Starbuck: Thanks! :D Azula and Sokka definitely need a good moment of being happy and fun. Even if it was really awkward at first. "To make her feel welcome like she has friends or someone she can trust and confide in." But yes, this is super, super important. Especially since there are still a lot of things that she is having trouble coming to terms with. "I love the build-up that's taken us to this point" And thank you so much. Pacing was never my strong suit so it's always really reassuring to hear that I've paced things well. Thanks so much for the review! *Insert heart emoticon here because fanfic won't let me*
It was really only a matter of time before he saw her for what she really was. A mess. A disaster. An unsettling freak. And thank Agni that Atsu wasn't home.
She supposes it was a day like any other. Really there was nothing different about it. Nothing even slightly different from the cozy routine that she has managed to fall into and yet here she is…
She supposes it has just all caught up with her...
It was a bright morning. She'd gone to the market-closed her eyes and savored the kaleidoscope of morning scents; the first batches of bread for the day, much less poignant Earth Kingdom spices, herbal teas wafting from restaurants, and the jasmines resting in window sills among others.
Just as she has every day for the past year, Azula made her way to the town library. It had become something of a passtime to consume scroll after scroll, text after text. She is fond of the debate events that the library holds every now and again; they assure her that her mind isn't growing dull. And when she can, she steals off and deep into the treeline to work on her bending. She won't let herself weaken, even if she has no particular reason to fight anymore.
And it was going smoothly as it ever had, more than smoothly, really. She thinks that her fire has more power these days, more control. She finds that without the pressures of war and high standards, that she has more energy to put forth. And without judgment she has no constraints. Nothing to keep her from experimenting with forms and stances of her own.
That afternoon was another spent mixing earthbending forms with firebending forms. The weeks prior had been about observation; watching them bend and imitating them without fire. It had drawn some looks and plenty of questions. Mostly from Atsu and mostly about why a firebender would want to practice earthbending katas.
Her studies had come to pay off that afternoon. She supposes that she'd felt accomplished but that sense of achievement...it was somehow skewed. Off and in a way she couldn't place.
And perhaps that should have been her first clue to tread carefully.
All in all, her day had come to pass in a half haze. Harvesting turnips was an absent-minded task, around turnip six she had drifted. She thinks that Seukhyun might have conversed with her for some time.
"Are you alright?" She remembered him asking. "I can ask my old man to let you have the rest of the evening off."
She hadn't taken him up on the offer. When she looked over her shoulder she saw a full wheelbarrow. "What time is it?"
"About an hour into sunset."
Azula had tensed. She had started several hours before sunset. She opened her mouth and closed it again.
She remembers Ojihara insisting that she went home with a few extra coins and an assurance that she'd done more than her share of work for the day anyhow. She doesn't remember walking home but she remembers Seukhyun telling Hajime to, "watch your fiance."
She doesn't hold it against him, he had only left her alone for perhaps five minutes or so. But that was plenty enough. She doesn't understand, it had been such a good day. Such a productive day.
Yet she is curled up on the floor weeping.
They are back.
It has been so very long since she'd seen any of them. But they stand around her; Zuko, Mai, TyLee and her mother, uncle, and father. All of them. And they all tell her that she doesn't deserve what she has.
"You ran away." Zuko points out.
"That isn't the same as making things right." TyLee elaborates with a frown.
Azula claws at her hairline. "I needed to leave." She mutters. "You didn't want me around anyways, I know that you didn't."
"Yeah. We wanted you to stay put in the asylum with the rest of the lunatics." Mai quirks a brow. "Do you really think that you should be talking to Hajime?"
"And the kid!" Zuko adds. "You're going to hurt them."
"Just like you hurt everyone you care about." TyLee nods.
Azula's stomach drops, she can't speak past the lump in her throat. And maybe that is a mercy, because she hears footsteps. She isn't sure if those are real either.
"He only offered to marry you because he's scared of you."
Azula shakes her head. She glares at her mother. The woman doesn't help. She never helps. Just as always she leaves. Vanishes right when she could use someone the most, right when she needs someone to help her save herself.
"He doesn't love you." Ozai sneers.
"Rikka?"
"You're a waste of his time."
"Rikka?"
"And he's a waste of yours."
She feels a hand on her shoulder.
"Get rid of him and make something of yourself." She sees the fire come to his palm and bunches in on herself.
"Rikka what's going on?" He carefully rolls her over to face him. He doesn't quite get her there. She lies on her back staring at the ceiling, at the things swirling around on the ceiling. Tears drip down her cheeks and make trails towards her ears.
Her body feels limp and heavy. Weighted and somehow distant.
And why now?
Why now, when everything is going alright?
The shadows on the wall twist. She doesn't feel real. For a moment she doesn't remember where she is. For a moment it doesn't matter because it isn't real anyways. That would explain it well-why she had been so happy. Because it wasn't real. None of it. Likely she has been alone this whole time and Hajime is exactly what she wants so he is exactly what her mind has conjured up for her...
"Can I hold you?"
She isn't sure why he would want to.
It is because he isn't real.
She makes some sort of attempt to put herself in his arms. He does the rest for her, scooping her into his grasp and propping her up against his body. He holds her head against his chest. His heartbeat is nice. It's steady. It's rhythmic. It isn't hectic and crazed like her own.
She feels his hand. It smooths over her hair and rubs up and down on her back. It is real. It is there. They-the hallucinations, she forces herself to admit-can't touch her. They can reach out but they never touch her. They never try and when she tries to touch them, friendly or otherwise, they disperse.
Hajime is real.
He has been real.
He kisses her forehead. "What's going on?" He asks again.
"I…" She swallows back a sob before it can come out again. "Where's Atsu?" Agni, she hopes he isn't home.
"Don't worry, he's spending the night with his friend Minko." He gives her a little squeeze. For a moment she can better hear his heartbeat. She closes her eyes and listens to it. He brushes her tears away with his thumbs. She tries to match her breathing up with the beat of his heart. Slow and steady. Even and level.
He is quiet.
Patient.
He waits for her to lift her head from his chest before saying anything more. And when he does speak it is much more light-hearted than she anticipated. He cupping her face in his hands and holds her formerly drooping head up. "That position looks terribly uncomfortable."
He isn't wrong. She has legs bent back in an awkward 'w' and her arms between them, just barely propping her up. She pulls her legs in and draws them up to her chest. Some of the tension loosens.
"Better?"
She nods. "A little."
"Do you want to sit on the deck, get some fresh air?"
She nods again.
"You don't have to tell me what that was, but you can if it will help."
She is still somewhat shaky when she gets to her feet. Her head still dizzy and foggy. She thinks that it might help. She is keeping enough secrets from the man as it is. She bites her lip. Maybe they are right. Maybe she doesn't deserve him if she can't even tell him the truth.
"I'm insane." She mumbles.
He brings her to a halt, stands before her, and firmly clasps his hands around her shoulders. She can feel her head dipping again but she is too tired to hold it upright. "You aren't…"
"I hear things that aren't there. Sometimes nothing feels real. Sometimes I feel like everyone is plotting against me. I'm insane."
Hajime inhales. "I've known you for a year now. I think that it's safe to say that this sort of thing isn't exactly character defining."
"This is the first time I wasn't able to ignore it well. I see them a lot. More often them you know. I can just block them out…"
"Come on." He hoists her into his arms and carries her outside. He finds his favorite porch bench and sits, cradling her in his lap. "You can tell me when you see them, you know that right? Even if it's something little."
"There's something wrong with me…"
If only she could be normal. If only she could have held out just a little longer. Held out until a day when he wasn't around to witness it.
"You don't have to be okay all the time. You're allowed to be hurt."
She bunches her hands up in the folds of his shirt.
"I can't imagine you're the only one who has some…" he furrows his brows. "Some damage. I've heard of soldiers with a lot of similar struggles. War does things to people, Rikka. Especially if you just keep it all inside." He lightly taps the side of her head. "That's not good for you. Even if you're happy, really happy, that stuff is still sitting there in the back of your head waiting for an excuse to come up."
"But nothing happened! Nothing brought it up!"
He nods, "yeah, sometimes if it sits for too long it just happens." He rubs his face. "I never talked about how my wife died. I saw it happen and I pretended like I didn't. I was always happy for Seukhyun and our crew because someone had to be. I didn't think about it...until I did." He pauses. "And then it just hits. I let it sit quiet for so long that it hit hard."
"My name isn't even Rikka! How am I supposed to talk about this when I can't even tell you my real name?" She feels the heat on her palms and, Agni, does she want to unleash it. Her mind. Agni, it is in such disarray that she can't even…
"You can try. You don't have to tell me your real name. You don't have to tell me anything about your past that you don't want to. Just tell me something so I can help you."
Maybe it is because her mind has betrayed her once more.
Maybe it is simply because he is Hajime.
Because he didn't push her.
But she tells him about her mother and about her father. About Mai and TyLee. And something about Zuko, changing names where she sees fit. Thank Agni no one ever truly knew Azula.
He doesn't put the pieces together. Somehow she feels as though she has only secured her secret. Princess Azula is perfect. Nothing is wrong with Princess Azula. But Azula is unstable, hurt, and worn. Azula is lost. And Rikka is all of that. But Rikka is cared for.
Rikka is loved.
Hajime hugs her tighter. "You haven't told anyone else any of this, have you?"
She shakes her head. "You don't have to fix me Hajime. I need to…"
"That's why you wander, isn't it?"
She nods. "Something like that."
"I guess that you'll have some people to wander with you then."
"I want to stay here. I like it here. I think that…" She trails off. "I have a family?"
Hajime smiles. "You have family and friends and a pet mongoose-lizard."
"I'll tell you one day."
"Tell me what?"
"My real name."
He laughs, "I don't mind waiting." He reaches into her pocket and draws out the stone, a small betrothal gem now fixed upon its center. "We have quite a while, yes?"
Azula nods.
She may not have been able to tell him her name, but he knows who she is. He knows Azula better than anyone who does know her name.
That day she learns what it is to be loved. Accepted.
She learns to let her walls down, even if it is only to a single soul.
.oOo.
She is surprised to see him standing in her doorway again. She supposes that she shouldn't be, he has visited her at least once, usually twice, a day. Even still, she was certain that her impulsive antics would have driven him well away.
"You told Zuzu about the other night." She remarks.
He shakes his head. "Not me. There are kind of a lot of people talking about that."
Azula cringes.
"It's not all bad stuff." He grins. "They said that you inher...are a great actress."
"They said that I inherited my mother's acting abilities." She replies plainly. "Be forward with me, Sokka. I'm not delicate."
"I know that." He smiles. "It's just that Zuko mentioned that you don't like talking about that."
The man's face is fully flushed, she ought to show him at least a little mercy so she gives the discussion a dismissive wave. "What did you come here to tell me?"
"I was actually going to ask you if you, maybe wanted to go do another activity. But this time it won't be weird."
"Sure, Sokka. We can do another activity. What do you have in mind?"
"I thought that I'd let you pick this time."
"My idea of a good time is going to the library and…"
He perks up. "It just so happens that I enjoy a good library. As long as it remains above ground."
Azula quirks a brow. "And why wouldn't it?"
"Oh you know, because it's in the middle of a desert!" He gives a wide and exaggerated sweeping gesture. "And it's guarded by a crazy, angry owl spirit."
"Right. Well we don't have 'crazy' owl spirits in our libraries and we aren't in a desert so I'd wager that we'll be staying perfectly above ground." She rises and pushes her chair in. "I'll send for you when I am dressed."
.oOo.
By send for him, he didn't realize that she meant she'd send herself. "That was quick."
Azula shrugs. "I didn't bother with the spa this time around. I'm not in a pampering mood today."
"Then what kind of mood are you in?"
She is quiet for a moment. "I'm not sure exactly." There is something in her eyes, something distant. He doesn't think that she is lying but he isn't sure that she is being entirely truthful.
"You sure about that?"
Another silence. "I'll be fine, Sokka."
Curious word choice. He doesn't call her on it. "Alright, so let's go to this library." He follows her through the crowd. "What are you planning on reading about?"
"I haven't decided."
"I'm planning on trying to read about Fire Nation swords. Maybe learn a thing or two about the stuff like what Master Piandao taught me!"
"Okay."
"You're quiet today."
"I'm always quiet, Sokka."
"Not when you're talking about battle tactics and Zuko's newly implemented policies."
"We aren't talking politics or strategies right now. I like to think that I've learned to separate that talk from small talk."
He laughs. "Yeah, according to TyLee you've gotten a lot better at talking to people."
She nods.
"So why don't you show off your new social skills?"
"They aren't exactly new anymore." She replies. "And I'm not in a talking mood.
Sokka frowns. "Is this about the other night? You don't have to pretend like you had a good time if…"
"It's not about the other night. It's not about you at all."
.oOo.
As charming and semi-comforting as his concern is, she wishes that he would stop pushing. Spirits, the man is persistent in his badgering. Though she supposes that she understands his concern. "You didn't do anything wrong." She reiterates.
His expression doesn't lighten up any.
"Don't get so gloomy."
"Sorry." Sokka mumbles. "It's just hard for me to be happy when…"
When she's sucking the joy from the atmosphere around them. At this point even if she faked a smile he'd know that it's all bullshit. Though he did say that she is a perfectly capable actress. "I'll...try to enjoy myself. I won't make any promises though."
This is enough, the tribesman is smiling again. "Great, because I was planning on making sure that you had a good day."
She manages a small smile of her own. It has been some time since anyone has so deliberately tried to lift her mood.
He wiggles his brows. "I think that it's working."
"Don't push your luck." She rolls her eyes as she leans into the large door of the library. "The books on Fire Nation swordsmanship is in the military section. I can show you where that is, I've read most of those books already."
They wander past a grumbling man with frizzy, greying hair reading a scroll about mechanics and past a pregnant woman and her wailing daughter. The disheveled old man cuts mother a glare while one of several librarians bumps into a scrawny teenaged boy.
Sokka stops to help her pick up the scrolls.
"Oh! Princess!" She gives a slight bow. "Is everything to your liking? If I'd have known you'd be coming by I would have had your usual spot reserved. I can get it ready for you."
"That's fine Quin-Mei. I'll be showing Sokka around."
"Well if there's anything that I can do to make you comfortable, let me know."
"Of course."
"You don't have to be so formal…" Sokka says after the woman leaves.
"It's called politeness. Do you have that in the tribes?"
"We have so much politeness in the tribes!" He declares.
Azula cringes, her cheeks flashing a slight pink. "Quiet, Sokka, we're in a library." The man truly does have a habit of embarrassing the both of them.
His face goes red but not quite as red as the fizzy-haired man's. He picks up his scrolls with an agitated grumble and shuffles to the check out desk.
"Hey Azula, look what I found!" Sokka declares. "Someone hid this scroll in with the military ones."
He unfurls a children's tale. The Dragon & The Crane. Azula swallows, it is more than enough to deliver the final blow.
It just so happens that he has found the first Fire Nation children's tale that she had read to Atsu as she tucked the boy into bed.
She tries to keep the conversation going, but she can feel herself fading. Fading until she is only partially engaged in the conversation. She doesn't quite remember reading anything neither does she really recall walking home.
.oOo.
He has to admit to himself that he is nervous. He isn't even sure what he has done this time. But then, he gets the suspicion that he hasn't done anything at all. Earth Kingdom travels or none, she is still Azula. She still has her moods and her reservations. He stuffs his hands into his pockets, if all it takes to upset her is to get a little too loud in a library then maybe she hasn't changed as much as he had anticipated.
Or maybe it is that she can only handle so much secondhand embarrassment.
He ought to leave her to fume silently, but he can't bring himself to leave the situation so open. She can at least tell him why she went so abruptly cold and silent. He thinks that it will drive him mad if she doesn't.
He hears her before he even reaches her room. Her cries aren't muffled, not even slightly masked. His heart drops.
Why had he assumed that she was mad? Raava, he is dull minded. Why hadn't he even thought that she might simply be having an off day? He slaps his own forehead, she had told him that it had nothing to do with him. Thank the spirits that he hadn't just thrown her door open and prattled off his grievances.
He hesitates in the doorway, she has left it wide open. She is curled up on the bed clutching that stuffed badger-mole tighter than she has gripped anything. Her face is partially buried in the worn fabric. He wonders if he should turn around, he very clearly remembers Katara mentioning that the last time she was 'off' she blasted lightning at Zuko and breathed fire.
But that was then.
That was a long time ago.
Against his better judgement he clears his throat.
Azula looks up from the badger-mole. He expects her to chuck the thing at him, to tell him to leave. Instead she squeezes her eyes shut and grits her teeth.
"Can I sit down?"
She pats the mattress next to her.
"I didn't do anything, did I?"
She rolls onto her back and her shirt hikes up ever so slightly. Just enough for him to see the edge of another scar that runs across her belly. She drapes the badger-mole over her eyes and takes a sharp breath.
"It's alright, I'm not judging." He says. Though it is strange to see her so openly vulnerable. Even still he can see her trying to slow her tears. "I promise, I'm not. If you want to cry, just cry. I won't even tell Zuko."
And she does. He thinks that she might be crying harder still. He has an urge to reach out, he lifts his hand from the mattress but stops short, thinking better of it. She was never the touching, cuddling sort.
"They're dead, Sokka. They're all dead."
He cringes.
Clearly the wound has reopened. He doesn't think that had ever been stitched.
With a hard swallow he asks, "who are they and what happened?"
She squeezes the badger-mole, her lower lip quivers. "Hajime. They killed Hajime. And Atsu. And...they're all dead."