Equal Parts of a Whole
By: SheAlwaysDies
with MortisVenom as Story Consultant
The Final Chapter - A Thud
Anna
Elsa wouldn't look at her. It seemed impossible to get her big sister to tear away from the book in her hand, not even purposely dropping the metal saucepan lid on the floor caused her to flinch. Yet Anna hadn't seen her flip a single page. She was running her thumb along her bottom lip and her brows were pushed together. Her eyes bounced from margin to margin, still, she never moved forward in whatever her story was about as if she was stuck rereading a sentence.
Anna could tell her older sister was focused, just not on the novel. Elsa was trying to ignore Anna and putting all her energy into that. The words on the page didn't exist, just the blonde's need to advert her eyes. Anna cleared her throat. She'd just finished cleaning the kitchen. It was shining in a way that Iduna Werin's home never did. Anna had done it all with heavy sighs and clanking dishes in the hopes that Elsa would fail, that she would look at her sister and maybe, just maybe see Anna.
She was tired of being invisible. Iduna and Elsa had just blown up at each other. Before their mother stormed off, claiming a need to have a cigarette meaning a four-hour break from her eldest, Anna had been standing in the crossfire as if she was just a thin piece of ice easily looked through. Not a single word from Anna's mouth broke through the argument. Nothing she had to say mattered.
The redhead was not surprised but this had gone on long enough, the cold shoulder was killing her. It was Elsa's specialty. Anna wasn't at fault. She felt very strongly about that. She was just stuck between an impossible choice, there was nowhere to step. It didn't matter what she did or said, it always resulted in Elsa forcing herself away. How Anna wished she was the book in Elsa's hands. Even if she received the same slight scowl Elsa was sitting with, Anna would feel content just to have her attention.
Viciously scrubbing at the countertops that would never revert their original colour wasn't working. Maybe if Anna's time with Elsa wasn't so limited she'd pull out the vacuum and start sucking up around the sofa where Elsa was reclined, bumping into the blonde until she had no choice but to just give Anna the gift of her glance. But Elsa was leaving come morning. Anna didn't want it to be like this for much longer. It wasn't her fight to fix, but at the moment Anna wanted to smooth it over for herself and herself only. She was tired of feeling divided.
So she moved across the room of the apartment, over to the couch. Elsa's back was pressed against the armrest. Her knees were bent up and supporting her wrist that held a hardcover book with the sleeve removed so Anna had no easy way of knowing what Elsa was reading. The youngest sister sat on Elsa's toes and propped her elbow on the blonde's kneecap.
Anna couldn't tell if Elsa reacted. The solid coloured greyish blue book sat in between their faces. Elsa couldn't see the corner of Anna's top lip curl up as the redhead cursed the fact that her sister hadn't stirred. Anna reached over pinching the book's spine with her hand and slamming it shut. She pressed her chest into Elsa's legs and she reached over, pushing the novel in Elsa's hand to the side. Her sister was still wearing her scowl when Anna finally took what she wanted, Elsa's eyes on her.
They were practically grey in the dimly lit apartment, moist as if each eye was holding off a teardrop or two. The exchange between Elsa and their mother had been hot, topics Anna had heard all about but spat in inventive and more hurtful ways. Anna thought Elsa was ignoring her, not wanting to hear her sister's side or even the odd comfort she had to offer but without her book, she was left exposed. Just how much of a toll a row with Iduna could take on her big sister was evident.
Anna's glare morphed into a soft apologetic smile. She leaned further into her sister, she intended to wipe at the bottom of her lash, but the blonde's lips parted and sucked in a small breath. Anna seized as she took in the shift in her sister. Was it anticipation? Was Elsa expecting a kiss? Her sister's slight reaction and the question popping into Anna's mind all happened at the same moment Anna corrected course. If all the youngest wanted was her sister's eyes on her, then having her lips on Elsa was more than she could ever imagine. It only took a second of skin to skin to feed the need to kiss her angry sister.
Anna's lips fell wide over Elsa's unsuspecting mouth. She didn't know how to kiss. It barely felt like that was what she was accomplishing as her sudden hunger made her messy. Her mouth covered all of Elsa's. While it felt undeniably good there was nothing right about it. It didn't even pop into Anna's mind that she might be better off letting go. Instead, she intensified bringing her hands to her big sister's face and pulling her in closer as she pressed her tongue against the barrier of teeth.
Anna had no idea Elsa hadn't reacted until she did. It was the drop of her jaw that finally clicked them in place. Elsa's response was soft, slow, gentle. Anna only cared that it was permission to continue. She did so hotly, caring for contact more than finesse. She was sure she was an ugly sight, reaching over Elsa with a sloppy desperate touch, sisters no less, falling into their first kiss.
Even the sound Anna made was sort of disgruntled as Elsa unlocked her knees and Anna fell deeper into her. She lost contact for a moment but came back harder. A rumble escaped Elsa's throat. Anna was barely able to bask in the noise when a thud sounded throughout the small apartment. It rang in Anna's ears like a shockwave pushing her back. She sprung to the other side of the couch. Her heart that was beating in elation was suddenly in her mouth.
Anna's eyes were looking frantically around the apartment, dispelling the fear that someone had interrupted the sisters. They found Elsa after a thorough search. The blonde was reaching down to pick her book off the ground. Anna's chest was heaving, her breaths short.
"Sorry," the eldest said as she waved the book in the air, her demeanour nothing like Anna's.
"Oh God, that was so terrifying." Anna levelled her breath only to see that her words didn't hit Elsa right. "The book dropping!" She quickly corrected. "The book falling was scary, the kiss, the kiss thing was not. That was- it was nothing to freak out about."
Anna noticed right then that she was starting to panic. Her words did not sound honest at all either. She was certainly ready to freak out. She had just leaned in and kissed her sister, something she'd been fighting herself over the entire summer. Anna had allowed herself to do a lot of things, to touch Elsa in ways that were bad enough that she only dared do when they were alone. But to kiss, that was the line, it went past sisters missing each other and into, well, into incest.
"Okay, it's sort of terrifying. Elsa, I'm so sorry. I shouldn-"
"Stop." Anna's hands obeyed and cupped themselves over her mouth. Her older sister did something unexpected then. She chuckled and pushed herself off the couch, climbed over the middle cushion, and with soft eyes commanded the rest of Anna's limbs to move away so she could lay in her kid sister's arms. She nestled her back against Anna, resting her head on her shoulder and once settled she opened her book.
"It's not," she told Anna as she licked her finger to turn a page, looking for where she left off. "It doesn't have to be. It's home."
That was one of Anna's triumphs, to have pushed aside the downward spiral of thought and been able to hold her sister then, not with just arms but as if she was brick and mortar, the foundation of their love. It was just a kiss, not a very good one, but it was their first. Mostly when Anna thought back at that moment, she thought about the actual act itself and less about Elsa's calm confidence or how when they both opened up they always fell into place.
But the days since Christmas had been long. Even though they'd been heavy, hard and at times lonely, Anna spent most of her time recalling little details within moments shared with her sister, morsels of proof they could still be good for one another. She was studying for her finals but she was also writing an essay in her mind, one she would try to present to Elsa whenever she got a chance to see her. Her thoughts were a garbled mess, resembling more of a tug-of-war. Had she been on the debate team, she'd have a pretty good argument for both sides.
Anna had expected to see Elsa on a few occasions already, but the first day of classes was undeniably Anna's chance to speak with her older sister. The bus trip was long now that she was officially living in the city. Elsa hadn't been present at court to throw her hat in the ring. Agnarr didn't show but did do all the needed paperwork to relinquish his custody of her. Anna's mother arrived with her sponsor to assure she got proper visitation. Anna changed hands rather smoothly, officially becoming a ward of Bulda and Pabbie Fjelstad.
It felt just as bitter as it did sweet. Anna didn't need Bulda to remind her that she had made this choice. Still, the woman's comforts eased her. Anna had spoken on her behalf, saying it in front of her own mother, she believed both Iduna and herself better off apart. Even though Elsa wasn't there, she felt like she was inadvertently making the same case for her sister.
Made at home at her grandparent's house, Anna felt comfortable. She had been greeted by a new photograph on the wall of Bulda and her making pastry together. A meal was made in her honour, her two best friends invited. Mulan came with Olaf in tow, who was allowed to stray out of his cage so long as he was in someone's arms, something the rodent would never complain about, and Merida brought a pile of textbooks and a trash bag of clothes straight from the Fjelstad home. Anna was thankful but also upset she'd lost her only excuse to see Elsa before school started up again.
The people Anna had made into family were telling her she was going to be okay. The redhead knew to believe Mualn's well-chosen words and Bulda tight squeezes. Anna couldn't help but hope someone was telling Elsa the same thing, and that her sister believed them. That was the point of this separation was it not, for Elsa to find level ground? It was hard to believe that was the case. Anna had received two text messages back the several dozen she'd sent her big sister.
The first being, stop, and only a moment later, you're hurting me.
Anna backed off. She focused on getting ready for her finals and rewarded herself for hours studying by lying in bed thinking of Elsa. In the dark, with the soft sounds of Olaf rummaging around reminding her she wasn't alone, Anna easily felt like she was back to just a few months ago when the sisters were divided by the incident and Anna would fall asleep hoping to dream about a moment when the sisters were better off.
The first Monday back from Christmas break, Mulan and Merida were waiting at Anna's bus stop, their knee-high socks doing nothing for them in the cold. Merida pulled Anna into a hug and held on for her own need of heat as well as in greeting.
"Are you going to survive that ride every morning?" Mulan questioned as three sets of legs fell into a rhythm towards the entrance of Arendelle Academy.
"It gives me a lot of alone time to study. I spend at least four hours at my desk on a school day anyways." Anna reasoned. She had looked over her notes for her first final on the near two hour trip in. Keeping the scholarship Astrid had won her when she first arrived was imperative to not only seeing her best friends more often but to see Elsa at least in passing.
Anna was on alert as they walked the two blocks from the public bus stop to the academy. If Elsa was around she was always easy to spot. Mulan seemed to be on the same mission and jabbed her elbow on Anna's side when she saw Megara, the only student walking campus without a bookbag or single text in hand, walking by.
"Hey!" Anna's leather flats slipped on the fresh powder on the sidewalk as she tried to catch up to her sister's friend.
"Meg, Hello!" Anna had to step in front of the senior classman to get her to stop. "Hi, sorry. But have you seen Elsa?"
The bother was evident. Anna felt it dig into her even though there was several feet between the two. Meg scoffed. Her look picked Anna apart, the stare running from her feet up to meet her square in her eyes.
"Yeah. I have." Megara spat through barred teeth before she kept walking her straight line, bumping into and pushing past the redhead.
"Okay, I know that was super cold but how come I never realized how hard that lass sways her hips?" Merida jested as she came up and wrapped her arm around Anna's neck. "I might be in love."
The redheads watched Megara walk into the school. Mer adjusted and pulled Anna into another embrace. Her best friend didn't let go as she and Mulan ushered Anna to the gymnasium where they would sit for their first final.
Mulan had explained how it worked, but seeing the large gym filled with desks was more intimidating than Anna had imagined. The week was scheduled for each student to take an exam a day. They all took them at the same time. The desks were all neatly lined up, each with a sealed manilla folder sitting on it, a student's name written in sharpie and arranged alphabetically.
Merida sat down first near where the Fjelstad siblings would end up. Anna sort of lingered around there knowing full well her folder, containing her Chemistry 20 final exam, was in the far end of the room. The gym was starting to fill up. Soon Anna would see the platinum blonde walking through the door. Mulan, however, was eager to sit. Anna would have loitered there indefinitely but she was shoved towards her seat as if Mulan was still her assigned student guide.
"Focus," Mulan advised sternly as she slapped her hand over the manila folder. It was needed advice. Her friend handed her a sharpened pencil before going off to her desk. Anna found herself wishing she was a Fjelstad as she stole another look towards the desks that would likely be filled by Sorren and Elsa.
The siblings entered together, they found their seats without having to scan names, so well-rehearsed that exam day looked like a ritual. Elsa's eyes weren't making the same desperate call Anna's were. If the redhead's body could speak it would be getting up, standing on top of her desk and begging for forgiveness. Anna's voice squeaked. She was too weak to even call her sister's attention.
She never really stood a chance, soon an instructor was going through the ins and outs of the procedures to follow and the time allowances. Anna wasn't hearing them. She was staring at the back of Elsa's head.
"You may open your folders now." The students all moved in one fluid motion. Anna lagged but eventually pushed her longing aside, knowing that doing well here meant more than just a grade.
The time limit was three hours. Students had to sit for a minimum of ninety minutes. The bell went off and the only person to pack up and stand was Elsa Fjelstad. Anna wasn't looking at her at the time, but the sounds of her movements alerted Anna that her sister was leaving the room. They hadn't shared the same air in days, even in this giant room being closer to Elsa was exactly what Anna needed. Yet the blonde was leaving. Anna watched her head to the front of the gym and hand in her folder.
Everyone else's heads were down. Only Anna and Elsa had eyes off of the page. Anna kept tracking her sister as her school-issued shoes dropped footsteps that to Anna was distinctively hers. The redhead sucked in a breath when her sister looked over at her. Their eyes met. Anna tried to smile but she could feel her face malfunction, giving Elsa a look that said more things than a smile ever could, and probably nothing good. Elsa's face was stone cold.
"Eyes down," Anna was reprimanded. She obeyed.
Anna was one of the last to finish her exam, with only two minutes to spare. She was lucky she did not crumble when Elsa left or she would have never been able to finish. She had noticed when Sorren handed in his final. It was easily twenty minutes before Anna was done. So as soon as she was out of the gym she rushed through the full halls looking for the blonds. Outside there was no car in the valedictorian spot, which for now still belonged to Elsa. She was gone.
It was almost comically identical the second day. On the third day, right off the bus, Anna rushed through the halls trying to figure out where Elsa and Sorren were right before coming into the gym. She ran out of time and took her seat after the siblings. She made a point of taking the long way and walking beside Elsa. She cleared her throat and Sorren waved. Elsa, however, did not.
It was Thursday when Anna camped outside of the gym door. Elsa was coming way down the hall next to her kid brother. Sorren was talking to her, she was looking down at her phone. Anna knew she'd have to choose her words wisely. She'd practiced them on the last leg of her bus trip.
Wait for me, she'd say. She even whispered it to herself as students made their way into their second last exam for the semester. Anna stumbled into the gymnasium as two forceful hands suddenly hit her shoulders. She fell clumsily more because of the surprise over the force. Megara had her head thrown back in laughter as Anna put together what had just happened.
"Stop blocking the door and go sit down Werin," Megara directed. She intentionally spoke loudly. Her voice carried and bounced off the walls.
"Find your seats," an instructor interjected. Anna collected herself and did as she was told. She was seated and chewing on her pencil when Elsa entered. Anna focused as hard as she could to get through her history final as quickly as possible but Elsa was the first done again and Sorren not too far after. As soon as he was out the door Anna knew she had no reason to push herself harder. She'd only have one more chance.
"I tried to stall them," Mulan said when Anna made it through the steel doors. Her two friends had waited for her throughout the week and went as far as to keep her company, killing time together until Anna's bus back to the city arrived. It had served as quite the pick me up as the girls speculated how well they had done on their exams. Anna had that going for her, a bit of confidence in herself academically since her only distraction from heartbreak had been to study.
They would wait inside the school until Anna had five more minutes before the bus arrived. She'd say goodbye to her friends at the front steps. They would head towards the parking lot and Anna would run to keep warm as she made her way to her stop. Mulan held on a little tighter when saying goodbye this last week as if she'd sensed her friend's dejection.
"Hey, isn't that Elsa's mom in that car?" Merida interrupted. Pulled up in the fire lane, Astrlds' car was on and running. The woman was sitting inside. She didn't have to wave Anna over, their eye contact told Anna she was being beckoned.
"Want us to wait?" Mulan asked as Anna tried to wave her friends off.
"I think it'll be fine. I can catch the next bus," Anna didn't mean to walk off, leaving her friends at the top of the stairs worrying. But she knew she needed to get into this car. She had to hear what Astrid had to say, her entire future with Elsa was likely to be revealed to her there.
Anna let herself into the passenger side of the car. She tossed her heavy bag into the back seat and forced a smile hello.
"I'm going to drive you Bulda's," Astrid said in greeting.
"Thank you."
Astrid put the car in drive. Anna watched Merida wave her goodbye and Mulan's face go pale. Anna raised a hand at them as she was pulled away.
"Happy New Year," Anna eventually said lamely. She was looking over at her sister's stepmother. The redhead didn't see the shake in her hands that had been prevalent in the last few weeks but a few jolts twitched here and there. "Thanks for the ride."
"You are aware we need to talk," Astrid said curtly. She was fixed on the road. Her fingers were well gripped on the steering wheel. Anna hadn't spoken to Astrid since Christmas morning, even then their conversation was short, she and Iduna had already made their own plans behind their daughters' backs. The only thing Astrid had needed from Anna then was the location the sisters were hiding out in.
"Okay," Anna stretched out the last syllable of the word.
"Feel free to interrupt me," Astrid offered. She seemed very much like herself. For an average Thursday afternoon, she was, as always, looking her best, wearing the perfect amount of makeup and a blue felt jacket that made her look both sophisticated and casual. Her posture was impeccable, her spine straight as if it was drawn by a ruler. Anna always thought it would be uncomfortable but she certainly didn't look it. She looked like she held power. Importance radiated off of her. Maybe a bystander would have to guess why she looked like she held up the balance of all things around her effortlessly, but Anna knew better. It was all for show, but one thing was not, she did have power, it was over Anna. She always had the final say about what her experience in this town was and currently, she was driving Anna out of it.
The woman sucked in a breath. Anna was shocked to see the tiny act of her collecting herself.
"I never let myself get a good look at you," she started. Anna already wanted to interject, the sentence was nothing like what she was expecting. But she kept quiet and allowed Astrid to lead. "Until that morning you came to live with us. There was something in the way you looked holding my daughter that reminded me how much she wasn't mine."
Astrid paused to shake her head. She spared Anna a glance. "I've never let myself look at you Anna but I've watched you. You'd come to visit, dirty and hungry and to see you side by side with Elsa was just too sad. It'd make you get really good and clean, and make Saturday night suppers bigger than any to fill your belly. On Sunday mornings while the house was in its usual chaos you would awake bright-eyed and eager. I'd take pictures of you with your sisters and brother. I would hide them away and wish I could love without conditions like I saw you love."
Anna was suddenly very unsure of what this conversation was supposed to be about. She was half expecting to get driven halfway to the city and then left in a ditch to freeze. She was certainly expecting rules in moving forward with her interactions with Elsa but not whatever this was.
The pictures. Bulda had bought a few frames and Anna put them all up in her new bedroom. Were they Astrid's photos? Was that box she'd found in the garage hers? Things she'd kept hidden away because, really, they were very much her secrets too.
A long silence fell between them. Astrid focused on getting them out of town, and Anna thought about the few things she had turned over in that box. Her mother's leather jacket was suddenly less a love token stowed away for safekeeping and more proof of an affair that lasted years. The admission chipped away at Astrid, she lost that stoic posture, her shake even intensified.
"You know, I've been sick for a long time. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis a few months before Elsa came to live with us. At the time, I had an adulterous addict husband and was busy dealing with my physical pain. I had no idea how to cope with the rest of the hurt." Anna had known there was something going on with Astrid, but she hadn't even been capable of taking guesses. Her knowledge of MS was limited, even hearing that it had been plaguing Astrid for years was surprising. She felt sad for Astrid, which was a new emotion.
"The pain, it's not constant and it varies in intensity. Sometimes I don't fight being sick because being sick is the only excuse I have to pull the wool over my eyes. It was never hard to focus on it over everything else."
Anna was a big part of that everything else. She knew that. She was nodding along as Astrid spoke.
"You understand then, why I pushed you out?" Before she found the picture in the garage, Anna was sure Astrid hated her because with Anna at her side Astrid couldn't keep up with appearances. Anna wasn't a fool, it was still part of it. But with everything Anna had learned, like how Sorren had confessed they moved to make it seem like Elsa was always part of the family, Astrid hiding her illness and Agnarr's for that matter, keeping up with appearances was more than trying to shove Anna aside.
"I was more pain."
"Yes," Astrid confirmed. Anna couldn't look at her anymore. On prairie roads, it was sometimes easy to feel like the car wasn't moving forward. The grey asphalt, the dotted yellow line, the snow, and the vast white sky just stayed solid as they moved down the highway. Only a random road sign or tree broke the view and snapped Anna out of the trance it put her in.
She wasn't thinking much.
"I made a deal with your mom. I'm going to help her back on her feet under one very strict condition." Anna braced herself for Astrid to get to the point where she told her she couldn't see Elsa anymore, that she was plaguing Elsa, and it was her fault Elsa was so unhinged. Iduna had not been clear about what she had shared with Astrid, Anna was prepared to hear the condemnation.
"That you continue to attend Saturday night dinners and mass the following morning." Anna flinched as the words hit her ears.
"My kids have always deserved their sister." Astrid's posture was back as if she was done. She'd said everything she needed to say. Anna hadn't asked her anything in fear that it would all come back to her relationship with Elsa. She hadn't stopped to think that it had nothing to do with her, but Anna's other siblings. It wasn't an apology but Anna understood the invitation was a step forward.
Saturday night dinner, Anna arrived in time to set the table. Sorren and Margo were manning the kitchen. It made for a few laughs and quite the mess. Anna tried to clean up after them, waiting for a chance to ask after the eldest Fjelstad child.
"Where's Elsa?" She prodded as she handed Sorren a wad of paper towel.
"Upstairs with her new girlfriend." He answered casually as his eyes tried to seek out any more tiny red splatters from the tomato sauce Margo had made. Anna went pale at the words. She had failed her last attempt to speak to Elsa during exam week. She'd spared her sister far fewer glances, needing to concrete on that final more than any other. Her future at the Academy sort of hinged on it.
"She's not Elsa's girlfriend. Anna's Elsa's girlfriend." Margo chimed in defensively. Anna wasn't sure if she wanted to cheer or just excuse herself and go have a panic attack in the pantry. Really, she hated both her siblings' sentences. Who was Elsa even with?
Sorren was laughing. "Yeah okay, keep dreaming," he said to the baby of the family as he pretended to wipe her off.
Anna hadn't been dreading seeing Elsa until just now. Of course, that meant her sister was now coming down for supper. Anna saw Elsa's first smile since laying next to her sister on the bare mattress of the basement, except it wasn't Anna that brought it out in her.
Megara had her fingers encircling Elsa's bicep. Anna caught her giving the blonde a reassuring squeeze before her arm and Elsa's smile both dropped. Elsa joined the siblings in the kitchen. Meg's hips did fucking sway, something green inside Anna said.
Elsa offered no greeting. She just grabbed the dish of spaghetti and meatballs and brought it to the dinner table. Everyone followed in tow setting the rest of the meal down in the centre of the table. Anna took her regular assigned seat first, and then noticed a change in spots. The head of the table was left empty and Sorren sat down opposite that, in what was normally Astrid's chair. Elsa took her seat next to Anna, which had always been Margo's chair and made it easy for Margo and Anna to pinch and poke at each other from under the table. Anna's regular seatmate took the spot to the left of the only empty chair, leaving Meg sitting straight across from Anna, shooting out an obvious glare.
The hierarchy was reestablished in the seating arrangement. Saturday night did feel strange now. The more casual meal, made by the youngest in the family, or the fact that there were guests allowed around the table, was something Anna had never experienced. But the heaviness was still thick as everyone sat quietly waiting for the head of the table.
Astrid could be heard descending the stairs. Her movements were slow as she used her cane to get down to the main level. No one made a move to aid her, so Anna started to get up. Elsa put a hand up.
"Let her," she spoke in a tone that made her sound very much like her stepmother.
Astrid took Agnarr's seat. As soon as she was seated everyone instinctively took each other's hands. Anna reached out for Elsa's. They normally wouldn't be beside each other. The connection flowed through Anna like a current. The redhead realized she was shaking, it was more intense coming from where her fingers cupped her sister's palm. Perhaps Elsa was trembling too. Everyone's eyes were down as the family bowed their heads. Anna couldn't tell if either Elsa or Sorren registered her distress as they together recited Grace.
"Bless us, O Lord, and these, Thy gifts, which we are about to receive from Thy bounty. Through Christ, our Lord. Amen."
The prayer ended. Sorren took back his hand, made the sign of the cross over his face and reached for his cloth napkin. Elsa, however, did not. She brought them both under the table and without sparing Anna a glance squeezed her sister before pulling away.
The quiet of Saturday night supper settled in. Anna's heart was pounding. She thought it might be heard by everyone around the table. Margo chirped. She was usually the only one to break the silence. "How's Olaf? Did he give Grandma a scare when you brought him over?" She asked Anna.
"After she got over wanting to cook him, yes. He's good. Old!" Anna tried to sound casual. She hadn't prepared herself to be so close to Elsa publicly. She certainly had not expected to be so thrown by it either.
"Like Pabbie!" Margo said, not noticing any strain in Anna.
"Pabbie's good too." Anna tried. She'd expected that to be a lull in conversation but Astrid cut in.
"Perhaps they'll join us for one of our family dinners?" Anna choked on a noodle she didn't manage to chew well enough before swallowing. Astrid was talking and to Anna no less.
"I'm sure Bulda would love that. I have my learner's license so I can drive them in the dark now." Astrid's eyes were on Anna. Anna had been averting her eyes from everyone on the table but when she met Astrid she noticed the woman wasn't as done up as normal. She looked softer.
"God, I trust old Pab driving over you." Sorren's remark disrupted Astrid's inspection of Anna.
"Sorren. Language!"
"Well, I know how to get a car out of the ditch now." Anna deflected as she attempted to make herself more comfortable in the conversation. Sorren laughed and from the corner of her eye, Anna saw Elsa's demeanour crack too.
"We had so many teaching moments that day." Sorren mocked.
"Yeah, like, make better friends." Anna countered. She saw Megara roll her eyes, bothered by Anna's existence. The rest of the table seemed to be enjoying her. Sorren mostly.
"I found my calling listening to Mulan and Mer bicker. I hope you pass your finals so you can help me deal with those two."
"I think I passed. I'm just not sure if I kept my scholarship." Anna was afraid to be too confident. The idea of hanging out with Sorren at school made Anna want to succeed even more so.
"There are plenty of ways to keep you at Arendelle Anna. If the commute isn't too hard on you." Astrid added. It was Astrid pulling a favour that got Anna into the Academy to start with. Her words made it seem even if Anna's efforts in class weren't enough she might get that wish. Anna smiled thankfully at the new head of the household.
"You could stay more nights here. Or at Elsa's new place!" Margo's enthusiastic mention of Anna staying in the basement suite killed the conversation. The rest of the meal was more like any ordinary Saturday, Megara and Margo being the only ones adding any more disruptions.
Dinner ended and the rehearsed movements of clean up began. Margo pulled Anna to wash the dishes, as Elsa excused herself to drive Megara home. Elsa leaned into her stepmother, kissing her on the head before heading out. Anna received no farewell as she took on Elsa's role in the kitchen.
"I'm telling you, my dad leaving is like the best thing that ever happened to her," Sorren said once Astrid retired upstairs with her youngest daughter in tow. They were doing the last of the cleanup.
"How are you guys holding up?"
"Margo's sad but Margo's always sad," Sorren accessed rather lightly. It was pretty clear that he was more than happy to have his father out of the house. Anna had heard Agnarr was well enough from Pabbie. They were sort of estranged when Bulda refused their son to come to live with them, having chosen to have Anna there instead.
"She's not!" Anna defended, but it needed little thought. "Okay, she is a bit."
"It can only get better right?" Anna's brother seemed well. Anna couldn't help but feel thankful that she had a chance to be here with him. "I mean once you sort your shit out with Elsa."
"How's she?" Anna asked, trying not to sound too eager about the shift in subject.
"Elsa is Elsa. The same ice queen she always is when you're not around."
"I'm here," Anna said positively.
"So tell Els that. Put the rest of us out of our misery will yah little sis?" Anna glared at him as he shoved the cleaning spray into her hands and brushed his off.
"I'm your big sister!" Anna called out as Sorren walked away, wishing Anna a goodnight. The kitchen was clean but still not up to Fjelstad standards so Anna worked on it a while longer, enjoying the fact that her belly was warm and full and she felt comfortable in this space for once.
Anna was staying the night so that she could go to service the next morning. She had no idea if Elsa would be back. From what Margo said, she was still using the basement suite. There were a few packed up boxes inside Elsa's room. The twinkle lights aren't on the walls anymore, the closet was mostly empty. It seemed that Elsa's bookcase was the only thing that was left to box up. If Anna wasn't going to see Elsa again tonight, she would surely see her at church.
She didn't pace the room for very long. She jumped into her pyjamas. This was the first night since she started at the Academy that she didn't have any studying to do. The redhead decided to sleep in the top bunk. She laid there for a while, trying to get a smell of Elsa but Astrid cleaned the sheets too regularly. It just smelled like this home and childhood memories that didn't feel as bad as they used to anymore.
She was restless and didn't last long laying down. Without an open textbook, Elsa was all Anna could think about. There was nothing to do in the room but look through Elsa's books. She plucked out a few, reading their names and noticing a common theme.
She eventually thumbed through Alice in Wonderland again. The hardcover book was blue and Anna suddenly wondered if this was the book Elsa read in Anna's arms shortly after their first kiss. She remembered Elsa laughing to herself as she read. Anna hadn't even tried to read over Elsa's shoulder. She just ran her fingers along Elsa's bare arms and took in the feeling that somehow they had managed to push a boundary and nothing had blown up. She had felt very much like Elsa had said, at home. It was a refreshing thought, so much nicer than the ones that had been rearing her fear of losing Elsa. So Anna dove further into it, taking the book in her hands and dropping it from just above knee height, or approximately the height of her mother's old couch and dropping it into an empty box waiting to be packed up.
The thud was all wrong. There was no way it was the story Elsa had been both crying at and laughing with that day. Anna pulled another at random. It was the wrong colour but she still tested the sound. She repeated the action several times over with no luck.
"Could you be nicer to my things?" Elsa was suddenly in her ear. Her hand reached out to cover Anna's and pushed the next book back into place. Anna was amazed by how good it felt to be so close to Elsa again and how terrified she was too.
"Elsa? You're back. I was just-"
"Throwing my books on the ground?" Elsa questioned with a raised eyebrow. Her breath was falling on the nape of Anna's neck.
"Helping you pack. You really are staying in the basement suite from now on, eh?" Anna was using the practice she'd had around the dinner table to sound aloof. Her insides were not succeeding as her body realized that what Anna was waiting for had finally started up. Instead of being ready and well prepared, her body felt weak.
"Well, I did sign a lease." Noticing the coldness in her tone, Elsa corrected herself. But she took a small step back. "It's easier for me with work not to be driving on the roads at night."
Anna's mind was blank. Elsa was still touching her. During their few interactions, even those at a distance, Elsa had refused to give Anna any attention. The redhead understood immediately that her sister had only done so because there were eyes on them everywhere. Now that they were alone, it was clear that Elsa's squeeze from under the table was telling Anna that the blonde didn't want to be so cold.
"Do you put these away like this so no one knows they are all fairy tales?" Anna asked, treading lightly.
"They are fantasy novels," Elsa inserted. "I like to be the one to choose what people know about me."
"I don't think we have that much control over that," Anna sighed as she recalled the people at her mother's AA meetings that knew more about the sister's than people Anna wished she could tell.
The redhead looked over her shoulder. Elsa was right there, her eyes trained on the spot of contact between the sisters, allowing for Anna to take her in. This late into winter Elsa was at her whitest having not seen the strength of the sun in months. She almost looked fake sometimes, like a picture waiting to be coloured in. Anna had done her fair share of colouring, she'd seen the different shades of red Elsa Fjelstad could turn. From her most volatile and angry down to the sweetest hue. That's why her eyes were so gorgeous. They stood out, a radiant contrast, without Elsa's blush they were the best way to read her.
Anna was afraid to have them on her now. So she used her other hand to grab another book. Elsa's attention stayed there. Anna was still unsure of who knew about their relationship, which included Astrid. So when the silence stretched out longer, Anna let the book in her hands drop into the box. That one was far too thin to be the one. Elsa pressed her eyes together glaring at Anna's fingers.
"Astrid seems like she's doing well? I don't know if that's the right word. She seems different." Anna was fishing for any information Elsa might have. A little smile crept on her sister's lip instead.
"Yeah well, I guess while you and I were busy trying to figure ourselves out she went through a lot. Margo knows she's sick now. She's been using that cute face of hers to get mom taking better care." Elsa looked down at the box of poorly packed books.
Anna sighed, feeling a bit safer in the space now. Even after her talk with Astrid earlier that week she couldn't help but feel like at any moment any mistake could take away this chance she had been given to keep the bonds of her family. Anna didn't want to outwardly ask what Elsa's stepmother knew, especially when currently there was nothing between them.
Elsa grabbed an armload of books in one swoop, deciding to make better use of her body. Instead of being pressed against Anna, she started to pile the books into the box Anna had been tossing them into. She knelt by Anna's feet, making order within the cardboard.
"I miss you." The words feel out of Anna's mouth without permission. Elsa's curled back went taut. Anna watched her react stiffly.
"We're still seeing each other way more than we used to." The blonde said as she reached for another load of books. But you aren't looking at me, Anna wanted to say but stopped as her fear started to better control what she had to say. And she did have something to say. She'd tried all week to put the right words together, but nothing ever made enough sense, nothing was kind enough or stern enough. It felt like there were no words to start rebuilding their future.
"What book were you reading that day?" Elsa didn't answer as she aligned her books, she was waiting for Anna to elaborate. "The one that fell?"
"Oh." Elsa inhaled and looked up at the bookcase. Anna saw where her eyes went but still, her sister brushed it off, "I don't remember."
Lair, Anna thought as she reached for the pages Elsa had shot a glance at. There were a few it could be, the first one Anna picked made such a weak sound there was no way it was the one. It landed by Elsa's foot and caused her to jump a bit.
"I'm not sure about that," Anna said teasingly. She got a cut of cold blue eyes as Elsa shot a glare over her shoulder.
"Anna." It was meant to silence. Anna couldn't blame her sister for avoiding her, for being angry or hurt. Anna was all those things about herself. She couldn't regret having to leave Elsa out in the snow as much as she did not regret doing the same with their mother. In the end, Anna had little choice. She needed Elsa to know that, if pissing her off would get her attention then she was willing to be glared at, it wasn't like she was throwing Teflon skillets around this time.
"Elsa," Anna said back with a new book in her hand, without its sleeve it was burgundy. Anna didn't even bother to get it down at couch height before dropping it. "Are you done ignoring me?"
"I'm not." She responded weakly as she looked back down at the box. Anna would talk to her back if needed.
"It's okay. I mean it's not, but I know it could be worse after what happened."
"I don't know how you can look at me." The venom in Elsa's tone was inward.
"It's because I'm not angry at you. I never was. I just hated how when mom told me you gave her those pills, I knew she wasn't lying. Suddenly, I felt the weight everything I was justifying come down. I never thought that us being together was wrong but a lot of wrongs were done." It was easier to put words together when talking to Elsa's back. But seeing Elsa's body quiver made Anna have to fight not to close her eyes and shut it all out.
"I know." Elsa dropped her head into the palms of her hands. She propped herself up with her elbows resting on the edges of the box. The curl in her back was always a shock to see, Elsa weak.
"I'm not holding it against you Elsa," Anna reassured. She dropped herself down behind the blonde. She knew not to touch her just yet but she got close to her big sister.
"The more I've learned about the different situations the people around us have been in, I've noticed we all reach these lows where there are no more right answers and there's no more way up. I believe it's possible to mess up so badly that no matter what you do moving forward it all comes out wrong."
Elsa huffed at this. She was in agreement.
"I was there, in that basement. I could have stayed and it would have been wrong. I left you and that was wrong. I know your mistakes were coming from the same place." Anna watched the muscles in Elsa's shoulders relax. The release followed down her body.
"I just wanted you." She admitted. Anna didn't need to be told.
"Me too Elsa." Anna braced herself. It was time to say what she'd felt was necessary. "You know you did something for me that I want to give back."
Anna let herself put a hand on her sister's shoulder. Elsa looked over at the point of contact.
"You asked me to examine things closely and choose the kind of life I wanted to have with or without you. I know you wanted me to pick you, in the end, and I thought I did, but I actually picked myself. The weeks we were living together I thought I was giving us all this thought but I looked at everything wondering how it was going to affect me. I did it with us and used it to see where I belonged in this family. It was all about me."
The youngest was very afraid of how her sister might react but Elsa remained stiff and unmoving.
"You get that Elsa? I picked me."
Elsa turned her body, she was nodding affirmatively but her brows were wrinkled. She took a glance at Anna but immediately snapped away. Her eyes landed back on the bookcase unable to look at Anna. The redhead wasn't given the chance to read her sister, so she kept on.
"I need you to do that. I need you to pick yourself. I need you to pick yourself up. To look at what you need. We're so screwed that there are no more rights or wrongs. There's just you. I want you to do that knowing that by picking myself I still choose you." Anna found her mind reciting a prayer, asking all Gods to give Elsa this chance. Her sister stood up abruptly. She started to pace only to turn right around and go for the bookcase again. She grabbed at a novel in her previous sightline and clutched it to her chest.
"Elsa?" The blonde was standing still. Anna looked up at her. She had her eyes pushed together wrinkling the skin around them.
"The thing is, you called me a junkie. Addicts either get all or nothing." The only part of Elsa that moved was her lips. Anna tried not to get upset at the comment. She knew it was the harshest thing she had said to try to get away from Elsa but her sister was currently twisting her words.
"I'm not a drug. I'm not a thing. You don't get to call me an object." Anna hadn't expected any spite to rear but it struck a nerve to be compared to something that could be tossed around. It was far too common of an occurrence in her lifetime. However, she was not looking to fight, so she tried to dispel Elsa's interpretation.
"I can be good for you. I can balance you, challenge you and check you. The only all or nothing here is putting an end to me having all this power over you. That's what makes it seem like a drug. Kissing me never made you an addict. This hyper fixation you have of making everything fall into place, to take the blame off yourself or to find some sort of redemption. That's what needs to stop." She was still sitting on her feet looking up at her older sister. She sort of wished she could climb up Elsa's long legs and meet her up there.
Elsa dropped her head, the shame was still so prevalent.
"You aren't a monster. You didn't do this to us." Anna said as she got off her knees and stood to meet her big sister. She hooked her fingers in between Elsa's arms and the hardcover book she held there.
"We need to be sisters in this, together. Elsa, you fought the battle alone. I did the same thing. But we aren't alone. I'm here. You're here right?" The question opened Elsa's eyes. They were very confident as she answered.
"Yes. Always." Anna hadn't expected a different answer. The intensity was soothing but there was more to it, the side Elsa failed to see.
"Because you love me or because you feel like you have to protect me?"
"Both," came another steadfast response.
"I don't need your protection. I need you strong and healthy." Elsa's eyes dropped down to the book in her arms and Anna's touch. Anna didn't know what it would look like if Elsa accepted the challenge. The blonde had a lot to rebuild within herself, let alone her relationships. It was hard work that could either leave space for Anna or need to snuff out the more unconventional aspects of their relationship indefinitely.
Anna's own inward look at herself had involved falling into bed with Elsa. She'd worked on herself at her own pace and having Elsa willing to give Anna the lead had given her a lot of clarity. Anna wanted so badly to be that for Elsa now. She felt stable enough now to do so without hurting herself. Although she braced herself for pain either way.
"Elsa?" Anna interrupted her sister's thoughts after some time but only letting go of her hold of Elsa roused her.
"It's the Princess Bride," Elsa said as she began to caress the cover. "It ends and there's all sort of pain looming. The author didn't have to write the last paragraph, anyone paying any attention would know there was still so much that could go wrong. Still, they were all together." A hint of a smile crept on Elsa's lip. She was staring at the book as if she could see the words through its cover.
"I don't remember that part of the movie." Anna chimed. Elsa seemed lost in the binding of the book. She was focused, and Anna realized it had nothing to do with the story. She was off thinking about something else. Anna wanted to hope it was about their first kiss, when they got past a brutal summer with their mother so unwell by coming together, or maybe back too a few weeks ago when they fell into bed in this very room, wordlessly promising to put the pain of the incident behind them. They'd been here before and each time they came back together they did so with new pain but also closer.
"I think I'm already doing that a bit," Elsa finally started. "My mother had these crazy ideas of how I was supposed to fall in line after everything that happened Christmas morning. But I couldn't go back to that, not after one morning of even just pretending to feel what it was like to be free." Elsa's description of their time in the basement was honest. Anna, who had crumbled any time she allowed herself to reflect on those moments, was relieved to hear of it in almost a positive light.
"It's only been a few days and I might be working on the easiest stuff to fix, but things here feel like they might be getting better."
"I might still be in shock about tonight," Anna said encouragingly. Of course, she told herself, the shift at the Fjelstad household had a lot to do with Elsa. Anna's next comment was a lame understatement. "I'm really glad."
Elsa smiled, taking it as the hopeful compliment Anna had tried to convey.
"I mean to say that I want to try. I want to feel better. I want to try to pick me."
There was a slight bit of hesitation in her sister's voice but shy confidence too. Elsa was looking at Anna straight on. Anna was very aware that at this moment there wasn't anything she could do that was right, but the blues in Elsa's eyes were offering support. Anna hoped that her sister knew there was nothing they could do wrong either, not when they were each acting as their own protectors.
Elsa let go of the book in her hand then, it dropping between them was exactly the sound Anna remembered. The terrified excitement that bubbled inside of her matched that of that summer day too. Anna's big sister was really looking at her. Elsa's lips parted and sucked in a small breath.
-The End-
I want to say how much I appreciate everyone for being a part of this story. Your encouragement and comments have made this labour of love worthwhile. Please subscribe to the story and to me, I can't say if I'm done with these girls in this universe and I know I have a lot of different worlds in my mind to build up for them as well. I love you all to be a part of that too. I would really welcome any feedback on the story and ending, I haven't written THE END on many stories before so any commentary will be well received.
I hope you all well.
This has been SheAlwaysDies saying thank you once more.