Chapter 13: Barely Surviving
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Rosalie's POV
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Rosalie ran vampire speed into the living room and froze in the doorway.
"My lord," Esme clutched her chest, staring at what used to be her sofa table.
"Call Carlisle," Rosalie growled, barely recognising her own voice, before snapping into action. It was as if her body reacted before her mind could catch up, because the latter was having a hard time grasping what was going on. Bella lay completely naked in the fetal position on the remains of Esme's glass sofa table, her body bruised and bloody. Her left arm lay stretched out right above her head. What was uniquely unusual about the whole thing was the fact that there was a sword cutting through the arm, still somehow in an upright position. A voice at the back of Rosalie's mind wondered absently how it was even possible, gravity vice. The scene was absolutely heart wrenching, and Rosalie quickly dropped on her knees in front of her mate in a daze, wholly unprepared to address the situation.
"Bella," she whispered dismayed, reaching out to touch the girl. As soon as the vampire's fingers came into contact with one bare shoulder, Bella flinched hard and then howled in pain. Rosalie drew back, as if she had been burned.
"Carlisle is on his way home, he should be here in a few moments," Esme announced with tremor in her voice, but Rosalie didn't dare to look at her adoptive mother, afraid she might break down if she did and Bella needed her strength now.
"Bella," she whispered again, careful of not touching her mate. "Open your eyes beautiful," A quiet whimper escaped the time traveler, but her eyes remained shut. "Jasper?" Rosalie turned to her brother, who nodded and focused on Bella's profile. Rosalie almost sighed when Bella's scrunched up face smoothed as soon as Jasper's gift started working.
"Keep talking," Jasper instructed lowly.
"I need you to open your eyes for me Bella," Rosalie pleaded.
"Rose?" Bella mumbled in a voice that suggested she was delirious.
"I am here darling," Rosalie did her best to keep her voice steady. Cloudy dark brown eyes opened to meet worried topaz.
"Am I dead?" Bella blinked in confusion.
"No," the blonde shook her head gently, her heart clenching painfully in her chest at the thought of Bella dying.
"Huh," Bella's eyes closed. "Well that's a plot twist," was the last thing she uttered before she fell unconscious.
"Fuck," Rosalie's eyes roamed her mate's bruised and bloody figure, suddenly aware of the audience and quickly shed her shirt and gently laid it on top of Bella, trying to preserve some of her modesty. Luckily Esme seemed to be of the same mind and added a blanket on top of the jacket, careful of not touching the arm with the imbedded sword.
"What the fuck happened?" Emmett growled, thankfully low enough to not stir Bella, even though Rosalie doubted she would have awakened even if Emmett had shouted. Before anyone could even sum up a response, the front door opened and Carlisle came rushing in, still wearing his lab coat. Like Rosalie had done earlier, he froze momentarily in the doorway before jumping into action.
"She's out," Rosalie informed her adoptive father as soon as he crouched down beside her.
"She arrived conscious though?" Carlisle asked, inspecting the sword with clinical eye.
"Yes," Rosalie choked out, clearing her throat when the man shot her a worried look. Luckily Carlisle must have realised there was no time to be concerned and refocused on his task.
"Everyone out now," Carlisle instructed without looking up. Rosalie shot her siblings a stern look and they hurried outside, Jasper looking extremely thankful for the order. Emmett and Edward practically carried him out, but Rosalie was still impressed by her brother's restraint. Esme hesitated for a moment, before following the rest. Carlisle glanced up at Rosalie, who shook her head stubbornly.
"It doesn't bother me," she insisted.
"Rosalie," the doctor sighed heavily. "I know you want to be here but it's dangerous – "
"I am being literal. I do not experience any bloodlust around my mate," Rosalie interrupted in a clipped voice. Carlisle's eyebrow rose in surprise.
"Truly?" he seemed astonished.
"Yes, and we can have that discussion later, but can you save her first please?" it took a lot of effort to not sound rude, but Rosalie reckoned she pulled it off. Carlisle nodded and pulled out a gauze from his medical bag that lay at his feet.
"It's good that she's out, otherwise she would be in a great deal of pain right about now," the doctor grabbed ahold of the injured arm, holding it firmly in place. Next he gestured towards the sword, and despite increasing nerves, Rosalie nodded and took the handle. Second later she pulled the sword out in an impressive precise manner, even surprising herself. The metal made a clacking sound as it hit Esme's wooden floors. The smell of blood intensified as soon as wound was exposed, thick red liquid oozing out of the arm and dripping down to the floor. Carlisle wasted no time and pressed the gauze to the wound.
"She needs stitches. We need to move her to my office," he informed the blonde, who nodded tightly. "You carry her but be mindful of the wound. I'll go prep," then Carlisle disappeared into the hallway. Rosalie carefully picked up the unconscious girl and followed the doctor.
"What have you got yourself into this time my love?" she murmured tiredly.
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Bella finally woke up two days later and not in a quiet manner. She shot up in bed, eyes frantically scanning her surrounding, breath laboured and looking like the very definition of feeling cornered in. Rosalie had approached the bed with one hand reaching out to soothe her, but Bella flinched back violently. Carlisle arrived to check on his patient, only to stop in the doorway to survey the scene with sympathetic eyes. Rosalie was standing a few feet from her bed, staring at her mate with a helpless expression while Bella was attempting to make her body as small as possible, murmuring nonsense under her breath. The doctor told Rosalie that Bella was still in shock, and it took almost fifteen minutes for them to calm the distressed girl, until she fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion.
On the third day, Bella woke up with a coherent mind, although she still tensed up when Rosalie walked closer to the bed. Rosalie wasn't sure if it was for her benefit or not when Bella visibly forced herself to relax, but she appreciated it nonetheless. Still, Rosalie was patient and didn't push, even though she wanted nothing more but to hug the broken girl. The most painful part in Rosalie's opinion, however, was Bella's silence. She only gave clipped yes and no answers when Carlisle came to check on her bandages but other than that, she said nothing. Rosalie had begged her siblings and Esme to stay out of view, afraid of overwhelming Bella and sending her into another panic episode.
Esme called the school and informed the principle that the family had gone camping for the week and Bella went with them. Since Bella was over 18, she didn't need a parent's permission, so no question was asked. Rosalie was exceedingly glad for skipping school (since she would probably kill someone if she were to pretend to be a high school student instead of taking care of her mate) but a few times she wondered if even that preferable to spending time with a silent Bella.
On the fifth day, Bella finally broke her silence.
"I can't do this anymore," the words startled Rosalie, who was sitting by her desk and flipping through a poetry book. The blonde turned to face Bella, who was on the bed, staring down at her lap. "It's like being trapped in a nightmare and nothing I do ever makes a difference, I'm just there," her voice was scratchy from disuse but still carried the emotion of pure frustration.
"Bella…" Rosalie began but stopped when she realised she didn't know what to say.
"No! You don't understand," the brunette shook her head vehemently. "Do you know where I was?" Bella gave her no time to answer. "I woke up in a train," the brunette's tone was shaky and her eyes were cloudy, but Rosalie suspected in this moment it had less to do with the strong painkillers she was on and more with emotion she was feeling.
"On its way to Treblinka, 1943," Rosalie sucked in a sharp breath, absently noting her family's similar reaction from downstairs. The blonde forced herself to appear calm despite her urge to scream at the unfairness of it all. Her heart broke for her mate. Of all the places in the world Bella could have traveled to, that had to be it? Rosalie couldn't even imagine the horrors of the experience.
"I knew that they were all going to die and I just…couldn't change anything about it!" Bella squeezed her eyes shut, as if it would make it easier to say her piece in the darkness. "I have never felt as helpless in my entire life and those are some pretty big words," Rosalie longed to take her mate into her arms and shield her for all the pain the world ever inflicted on her and would continue doing so.
"I held his hand while he told me he was worried about his sister, who had also been taken, knowing she was most likely dead already and he was moments away from death too. And I just sat there and said nothing!" the despair in the tone almost made Rosalie start to tear up, much like Bella had begun. Rosalie didn't know who 'he' was and wasn't sure if asking was appropriate in this moment.
"And all the children Rose!" Bella wasn't nearly done but a selfish part of Rosalie wished she was, not wanting to hear more. But Bella needed this, so Rosalie stayed silent. "All the mothers trying to calm their children down, even though they themselves most definitely knew what was going to happen next…Just…fuck!" Bella's frame trembled; eyes firmly shut while her lower lip was caught between her teeth. It was clear she was trying to hold herself together, albeit by a thin thread. Rosalie knew Bella had to let go, she was carrying too much by herself. She waited for more, but it seemed like the brunette was done for now.
"I have no idea how it feels like going through what you just did," Rosalie kept her tone low. "So I'm not going to say that I understand, because I don't," she paused, taking a breath to search for the right words. "What I can do however is empathise and listen without judgement and try to help in any way I can. I can also just sit here with you in silence if that's what you need," Bella let out a shuddering breath.
"May I point out one thing though?" she waited patiently until Bella hesitantly nodded. "While your last travel was…horrifying for the lack of better word, no one in your position could have done anything differently. You had no means to change anything, no weapons and so grossly overmatch that even though you had tried to attack the guards or shout out a warning to all of those poor people, there would have not been a different outcome for them, but it had most assuredly resulted in your own death," Bella shoulders relaxed a fraction. "But please don't think you are helpless in any situation. After all you saved me," the time traveler cracked one eye open and met Rosalie's earnest ones.
"You haven't told me much about your travels," Bar to nothing, really. "But I imagine you have changed more things than you realise. One of the first things you said to me was that 'just because you are not in position of power, doesn't mean you're powerless," Rosalie hesitated. "You may have been powerless in your last travel, but please don't think you are powerless in every situation," she desperately hoped something in her words resonated to her hurting mate.
"I said that?" Bella croaked out and the blonde nodded. "I don't remember saying that," her bottom lip wobbled. "God I'm smart sometimes, aren't I?" the joke was weak and the tone even weaker. The deflection was transparent but Rosalie allowed a small smile at the attempt of humour.
"Modest too," the vampire quipped, which made Bella chuckle.
"Thank you," the brunette said after a moment and Rosalie knew she wasn't thanking her for the comment.
"What can I do?" she hoped the desperation she felt didn't travel to her voice.
"Will you hold me?" Bella wondered with a vulnerable expression.
"Of course," Rosalie gently gathered her mate into her arms. 'I'd like nothing more,' she added silently in her mind. They spent the entire afternoon like that, Rosalie cradling Bella in a gentle but firm embrace. No one bothered them.
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Two weeks passed and Rosalie kept a careful eye over her increasingly depressed mate. A light in Bella's eyes had dimmed considerably since she returned to present time and Rosalie and her family didn't know what to do. Bella had shared more about her last travel, which both devastated and elated Rosalie. Devastated her because she was beyond horrified and outraged over what Bella had gone through, and elated that Bella was beginning to share her experiences; she was beginning to let Rosalie in. Rosalie had ordered her family to not offer Bella pity or treat her any differently, she reckoned Bella would hate that. It had been hard for them to accept, especially Esme, but they did remarkably well consider everything.
Rosalie eyed at her mate, who was currently watching Emmett play a video game, although the blonde could tell that her heart wasn't really in it. She kept glancing down at her arm with clear irritation. Carlisle had taken the stitches out the day before, but the bandages remained, since the wound had been so deep. The doctor prescribed Bella some strong painkillers, although extremely careful of the dosage considering her history of abusing substances, but still the wound bothered her. Carlisle had also called the school and informed them that Bella had gotten into an 'accident' during their camping trip. Carlisle was a respected member of the community and had a pristine record from the hospital, so the doctor's words were practically a 'get out of jail free' card, as Emmett aptly put it. The others were still forced to attend, much to Rosalie's frustration. Bella however stayed at the Cullen's house with Esme, who loved to spoil her with baked goods and experiment with foreign dishes. Bella never complained once about her injury or situation and even smiled at Emmett's jokes, but Rosalie could see that she was disassociating with the real word. That worried her a lot.
"Oh I almost forgot," Alice entered the room, pulling Rosalie out of her thoughts. "This came to us just before you…arrived back," she handed Bella the watch Rosalie had discovered on their doorstep. No one had forgotten about it, in fact Rosalie was constantly wondering about it, but they refrained from mentioning it to Bella up to now. Initially Rosalie wanted to wait a bit more but Alice's impatience was stretched thin.
"Oh good, it was delivered," Bella smiled faintly down at the watch, a fond twinkle in her eye. "It was my fathers," she informed them as she carefully strapped it to her bandage free arm.
"There was a note attached to it," Rosalie began carefully, gauging her reaction.
"That's nice," the brunette seemed pleasantly surprised.
"Written in blood," Jasper added warily, trailing into the room with Edward in tow.
"Maybe they didn't have a pen on their person," Bella shrugged.
"It read, Tic Toc, time is up. Now you will pay," Rosalie recited.
"Maybe I should have been more specific with my instructions," the time traveler mumbled to herself.
"Instructions? Whom did you give instruction to, and why?" Rosalie asked.
"The Nazi Vampires. I wanted them to send my watch to you, to let you know I was dead," Bella explained easily, like it wasn't a strange thing to say.
"Nazi Vampires!?" Rosalie's eyes bulged out.
"Okay technically they weren't Nazi Vampires, just Nazi tourist Vampires," Bella amended as an afterthought, oblivious to the jaws dropping around her.
"What the actual fuck?" Rosalie blurted. Bella had definitely left that part out if her story.
"Language!" Esme scolded, albeit weaker than her usual.
"Nazi tourist Vampires," Alice said slowly, as if the pace would help her understand.
"Yeah they were pretty fucked up," Bella shuddered, and this time Esme didn't reprimand her language. "Apparently they wanted to see the camps," she paused. "Well James wanted to; I think Victoria only came because of him. They were even going to a different one when they left me to die,"
"Okay, let's put this on a pause for a moment," Edward held his hands up, making Bella look at him. "Could you please start over,"
Rosalie listened intently as Bella explain her meeting with the two vampires, which evoked many different emotions. First, she felt completely repulsive by the idea of vampires visiting Nazi camps as some sort of a sport. Second, she was furious over James' idea of changing Bella, let alone in the middle of the camp. If Bella would have survived as a newborn, she would have lost herself completely after accidentally killing all the innocent souls in there. Third, disgust that they simply didn't care that Bella was about to die, nor all the other people in there with her. Four, reluctantly grateful that Victoria promised to deliver the watch, albeit in a very dramatic and puzzling fashion. Rosalie had a feeling there was something more to this message. Judging by her family's reaction, so did they. Bella seemed blissfully oblivious, or perhaps wilfully oblivious. Whatever it was, Rosalie had a bad feeling.
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Bella's POV
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She knew she was worrying Rosalie and the others, but Bella had no idea how to behave differently. The last travel put a huge dent in her soul, and she had no means to fix it. She did her best to distract herself, but the memories kept haunting her. Even Emmett seemed to have given up on getting her to play with him. She was also immensely thankful for despite Rosalie was clearly worried, she never pushed or forced her to talk. Instead she was simply there, respecting Bella's boundaries but still making clear that she would offer help if Bella would ask. Bella had yet done so, unsure what she even needed. She wondered why she was even bothering continuing this delusion that her life could ever be somewhat bearable. Maybe it was time to revisit her old plans?
"Bella?" She was so deep in thought that Jasper's voice came without warning, making her drop the book she was pretending to read. The quiet man shot her an apologetic look, which Bella waved off dismissively.
"My fault, don't worry," the brunette assured him sheepishly. "What can I do for you?"
"I was wondering if we could talk?" Jasper asked hopefully. Bella frowned but nodded regardless, too polite to say no.
"What's up?" she wondered as he took a seat on the bench beside her. Bella had gone outside to the porch with the pretence of reading in silence, although it was more of that she needed a place to escape concerned topaz eyes.
"You tell me?" the ex-soldier raised one eyebrow, almost smiling when a spark of irritation shot through Bella. Sometimes the time traveler hated that her feelings were not private at the Cullen household. It helped a lot that Jasper rarely, if ever, confronted her about it so she felt conflicted about why he was doing so now. She absently wondered if her emotions made it hard for him to be around her. Something must have triggered this conversation, since Jasper was hardly the one to instigate a heart-to-heart session.
"Wouldn't it be easier for you to just send a wave of calm my way?" it was meant as a joke but came out flat.
"I'm not here to change your emotions," Jasper barely flinched at the sardonic tone.
"Why are you here then?" Bella knew she was being rude, but her energy was already spent with all of the self-loathing she was doing.
"To talk," he shrugged.
"I don't want to talk," Bella shot that idea down.
"With all due respect, I disagree," Jasper said calmly. "I do however think you don't want to talk to someone who doesn't understand and only offers pity," the insightful comment flabbergasted her.
"And you think you understand?" Bella raised one unimpressed eyebrow.
"More than anyone you know in this time period," the man replied with a nod. "I too have survived wars," Bella blinked at that, realising she had quite forgotten Jasper's past.
"Oh, right," she offered lamely. Luckily Jasper took no offence and only gave her a small smile.
"Are you familiar with the term Survivors Guilt?" he asked casually, his eyes fixated on a flock of birds flying over one of Esme's hedges. Bella was irrationally glad that he wasn't looking at her in that moment. Sometimes it felt like Jasper was staring into her soul. Bella took a moment to think about his question, vaguely recalling reading the term from a psychology book she once thought had the answers to all of her problems.
"I've heard of it," she replied after a long pause.
"It's a bit complicated but in essence; it's about feeling guilty about surviving a traumatic event when others didn't. Guilt over what you should have done or guilt over what you did," Jasper explained in that calm ways of his, mercifully not reacting when Bella flinched at the words.
"I…see," Bella said haltingly, feeling under scrutiny even though Jasper wasn't looking at her.
"I imagine you have been struggling with a lot of Survivors Guilt from your time travels," Bella opened her mouth to deny the claim, but Jasper beat her to it. "God knows I have a lot of my own,"
"You have?" she asked instead, somehow relieved with the admission.
"Yes," the ex-soldier confirmed.
"How do… did you…" Bella faltered, unsure how to phrase the question.
"How did I overcome it?" Jasper offered kindly, seeing her struggle. Bella merely nodded.
"It's a tricky thing," he sighed tiredly, and Bella deflated. "It is doable though," Bella perked up again. "It takes time and effort but it's possible,"
"Not all of us are supernatural creatures with endless time," the brunette rolled her eyes.
"Are you sure about that?" Jasper quirked an eyebrow. "You seem supernatural to me with all that travel you got going on," that shut Bella up. What about the 'endless time' part? Surely she wasn't meant to live forever? She tucked those thoughts away for later inspection.
"How did you do it?" she asked instead.
"Well… first I needed to understand and recognise what I was feeling guilty for," Jasper met her eyes briefly, before shifting his gaze back to the birds. "I didn't realise it right away, why I felt the way I did, but eventually I connected the dots to when I was turned into a vampire. As you know I was in the army when I was still human. I lost a lot of men under my command and in way I felt responsible for that. Then when I was turned, I felt guilty for surviving when all the others did not," Jasper paused for a moment or two. "I thought I should have tried harder, been a better Major, should have avoided or fought back when I was turned," although Bella didn't relate to his experience, she related to his feelings. That was exactly what was repeatedly on her mind. She hadn't done enough.
"Then later on in the vampire wars I felt guilty for taking all those lives, even though I didn't know any better. I didn't know any other diet was even possible. I didn't know there was another way to live," he chuckled ruefully. "Anyway, I avoided thinking about it and pushed it away whenever those thoughts emerged. Even long after I joined the family, I refused to talk about it," that hit closer to home than Bella was prepared for. She thought of all of her avoidance methods; how she always resorted to alcohol and substances to numb the pain. She had a nasty suspicion that this survival guilt covered more than just her recent time travel. Bella pushed that thought away. Jasper shot her a knowing look, undoubtably recognising what she was doing and she scowled at him.
"How did you do it?" she repeated the question.
"Well… first I asked myself who was truly responsible for the situation? For example, in my case, it wasn't me who started the war. I was merely a soldier," Jasper began thoughtfully. "It gave me a false sense of control, the guilt was only a cover for the overwhelming feeling of helplessness and powerlessness," Bella frowned as she mulled things over. Who was to blame in her case? Well, Nazis for one. She hesitated. The witch-hunting villagers. A deep breath. The Roman Empire and their bloodthirsty sports. Bella exhaled shakily. Her father's murderer. Her mother's -.
"What else?" the brunette blurted before she could finish her trail of thought.
"It sounds simple when you voice it out loud, but I had to constantly remind myself that I can handle loss and sadness," Jasper thankfully ignored her panicked tone. "Focusing on guilt can be avoidance of feeling sadness or sorrow. However, that stands in the way of healing," he looked at her. "Standing in front of intense emotions might feel unsafe – but it's not. I had to allow myself to feel, in any way without constantly trying to change them when they arrived," Bella almost snorted. Like Jasper pointed out, it sounded easy but she knew it was anything but.
"That's it?"
"No," the man shook his head gently. "Third, I thought about how the people I love felt about my survival. How they must feel relieved that I am okay," it was evident by his smile that he was thinking of Alice in that moment. "Rather than rejecting that gift of survival, I tried to share it. Even when I felt underserving of having survived, doesn't the people close to me deserve it?" it was posed as a rhetorical question, but still Bella nodded. Alice and the Cullen's definitely deserved the happiness that Jasper brought into their lives. She thought of her own. She wasn't sure if she could compare her situation to Jasper's when she had no idea why people even wanted her in their lives to begin with.
"Okay," she averted her gaze from Jasper.
"Fourth," Jasper started again, recognising Bella needed to move on. "Luck is random. Just because I benefited from luck, doesn't mean I deprived it of someone else," Bella frowned at that, unsure if she could believe it; not right away at least.
"Fifth, I started doing something meaningful to others. Guilt, at its best, is a meaningful and purposeful motivation for good action. I honoured those who are lost. I started donating to various charities for veterans. To pay my luck and survival forward," Jasper shrugged. "Whenever I can do some good, I try my best to do so," Bella thought that was a nice gesture. Maybe she could do something for holocaust survivors? Pay her respect in some way.
"Then the sixth and most important part," the vampire paused dramatically until Bella looked at him. "I take care of myself. It's essential for healing," the first time for the length of the conversation, he spoke directly to her situation. "Eat well, sleep well, recruit support. Grieve your losses but remember, it's not your fault," Bella felt as if breath had been knocked out of her.
"I…" Bella fell silent when she realised she had no idea what she even wanted to say. Needless to say, Jasper said enough to stir up deep emotions within her.
"You don't have to say anything," the ex-soldier solved her dilemma. "I just wanted to share my experience, to let you know that you are not alone and what you are currently feeling, hasn't come to stay indefinitely. I can help you," Bella felt a rush of gratitude towards the man, unable to express it even if she had the right words; wasn't even sure if there were any in her vocabulary. This was one of those rare moments that Jasper's gift felt like a blessing to her. He only smiled and inclined his head slightly, recognising her nonverbal response.
"I'll leave you to it," he patted her carefully on the shoulder, which oddly enough did not make her flinch. Bella wasn't sure if it was because she was too lost in thought to even register it properly, or because who he was. She filed that away for later inspection too.
Jasper quietly stood up and went back inside, leaving Bella alone with her thoughts. The ex-soldier had given her a lot to think about, more than she was capable of at the moment, but left a deep mark, nonetheless. It would take her some time to sort through the information and she would need his help to apply them to her own situation, but it was a start. Her gaze wandered over to the birds, that obviously decided Esme's hedges weren't that interesting, and flew away. Bella wondered if she was witnessing a cliché metaphor for her situation, that she too could fly away one day, free of her burdened past and difficult emotions.
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Bella suppressed a sigh as she sat down on the couch next to Rosalie. Carlisle was sitting on a chair opposite them, a notebook in his hands. Bella had reluctantly promised to talk to Carlisle about her time travelling experiences. Rosalie was hopeful that the man could help her make sense of how to control it. Bella of course would love that, but she didn't dare to hope. Hope was always a dangerous thing in her experience. Still, she didn't want to disappoint Rosalie so she agreed to talk.
"How did you feel when you traveled last time?" Carlisle asked curiously.
"Immensely happy," Bella replied sarcastically.
"Bella," Rosalie sighed tiredly, which made Bella feel guilty. Maybe she should make some effort, despite the uncomfortableness of the situation.
"It's okay," Carlisle smiled patiently. "Let me clarify. What emotion did you feel right before you traveled? Before you realised you were about to travel?" Bella's mind flashed back to her mini break-down in her living room.
"I was upset," she carefully averted her eyes from Rosalie and focused her attention on the doctor.
"Just upset?" Carlisle prodded.
"No," Bella blew out a frustrated breath. "I was in a middle of a melt-down," she felt more than saw Rosalie's worried expression.
"I see," the doctor jotted something down in his notebook. "What about the moment just before you arrived back to the present?" Bella frowned, wondering why this was relevant. Remembering her promise, she sighed and tried to recall. She remembered feeling pain and terror when Ivan stabbed her but before that?
"Terror and…Is this really necessary?" she asked with a frown.
"Humour me please," Carlisle pleaded. Bella almost rolled her eyes but stopped herself at the last moment. It wasn't Carlisle's fault that she felt uneasy addressing this. She focused again on the request. She vaguely remembered thinking about Rosalie. Bella awkwardly shifted in her seat, wondering if she should share that with Rosalie's father, adoptive or not. Somehow the doctor must have followed her train of thought for his eyes glanced at Rosalie briefly, before he nodded to himself with a smile. Bella almost facepalmed. Could he have been more obvious?
Rosalie's hand came to rest on top of Bella's, which made the brunette look up and meet warm topaz eyes. The time travellers' cheeks reddened as soon as she realised Rosalie caught on to Carlisle's unsubtle movement. The blonde's adoring smile was almost worth the embarrassment Bella felt.
"What about the other times you've travelled?" Carlisle recaptured her attention.
"I don't really remember," Bella shrugged.
"Please try," the doctor insisted. Once again Bella sighed but did as told. Faces of the twins flashed before her eyes, their pale cheeks stained with tears. Bella squeezed her eyes shut, relaxing a fraction when Rosalie's hand squeezed hers gently. She remembered feeling relieved and hopeful when she got the twins away from the crowd but then terrified when she realised the vampire was still lurking in the shadows.
"I don't remember where I was before I traveled," she murmured honestly. "But I remember feeling relieved and hopeful for one moment, and afraid the next. Just before I traveled back to the present," Carlisle nodded thoughtfully and wrote in his notebook.
"What about when you met me?" Rosalie wondered. Bella frowned in thought.
"I was…upset before I traveled," seems to be a pattern there, she idly noted. "And I felt…admiration and horror I guess, before I returned to the present,"
"Admiration?" Rosalie repeated with a confused expression, which was illegally cute in Bella's opinion.
"Yeah," Bella cleared her throat awkwardly. "I mean…you just went through this horrible ordeal and in such excruciating pain, minutes away from death, but when you realised I was hurt, you felt worried for me; a literal stranger. That struck me as amazing. You are just so purely and genuinely kindhearted, even when the world did its best to break you," she couldn't even fake the admiration in her voice now. That thought had always stayed with her.
"Oh," Rosalie's expression melted into something soft, something Bella didn't know what to put a name on. Or if she could, she didn't dare to name it.
"And what about the times before that?" Carlisle interrupted their little moment.
"Dr. Cullen, with all due respect. Why on earth are you asking me this?" Bella tore her eyes from Rosalie.
"I have a theory," the doctor informed them seriously.
"Which is?" Rosalie perked up in her seat.
"Strong emotions trigger your travels," Carlisle answered promptly.
"That's not much of a theory," Bella retorted before she could hold the snappy comment in.
"Let me finish," Carlisle requested and Bella gave him an apologetic look. "You once said something that captured my attention. You said you only travel to bad times in history," Bella nodded hesitantly in conformation. "If I may speak bluntly?" another nod. "You've lived a difficult life Bella. One traumatic event after the other," the brunette winced but couldn't really dispute that. "I believe your travels are connected to your emotions, both when and where,"
"That…oddly enough makes sense," Rosalie murmured to herself.
"No it doesn't?" Bella looked between them puzzled.
"Think about it," Carlisle seemed to warm up to the topic. "Right before you travel, you are upset and feel down," Feel down? That's putting it mildly. "I can only imagine that in those moment when you travel back to present time, you are experiencing deep emotions as well?" Bella nodded. "I think that you will be able to control your powers if you learn to control your emotions,"
"Control my emotions?" Bella lifted one eyebrow. "So I should just have Jasper accompany me wherever I go?" she asked half-serious, half-jokingly.
"Of course not," Carlisle smiled patiently. "Perhaps it's more appropriate to say, sort through your emotions and learn to recognise them. Not suppress them but understand them. In that way you can control the manner in which you travel, or where to,"
"So basically, I travel to bad times because I feel depressed?" Bella blurted, understanding where he was going with this.
"Essentially yes," Carlisle seemed a bit apologetic.
"So if I fix my fucked up emotional state, I can travel to…more pleasant times?" Bella didn't bother to censor her description, anything less felt traitorous to her mentality.
"If my theory is correct," Carlisle answered hesitantly.
"Okay let's say you're correct," Bella began slowly. "How do you explain my arrival to the present?"
"What do you mean?" Rosalie seemed equally as perplexed as her father.
"How come I always return to my present time instead of just travelling from one horrible time straight to another horrible time ?" that was something that bothered and terrified her. "Why do I always return in between?"
"I've been wondering about that too," the doctor admitted. "It's as if you have some tether in this time period. Something that makes you 'bounce back',"
"A tether?" Bella wondered. "Like what?"
"I'm unsure," Carlisle seemed deeply upset by not knowing. "It must be something strong. Akin to a mating bond emotion. Mates have the most intense – " he abruptly fell silent.
"Yes?" Bella asked when the man didn't continue. She looked at Rosalie and noticed the blonde glaring at the doctor. What on earth was Bella missing?
"I have to think on this," Carlisle dipped his head apologetically and pocketed his notebook and left the room.
"We'll figure this out," Rosalie turned to Bella with a comforting smile, although it seemed a bit strained.
"Rose, what – "
"I heard Alice calling my name," Rosalie interrupted before Bella got the chance to ask about Carlisle odd behavior. "I better go see what she wants," and just like Carlisle, Rosalie sped out the door.
Bella's eyes narrowed as she watched the girl leave. Rosalie was keeping something from her and she intended to find out what. But first things first, she needed help how to sort out her emotions.
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"You were looking for me?" Jasper breezed into the room, breaking into a smile when Bella perked up.
"I was," the brunette nodded. "I take it you've heard Carlisle's theory?" of course she had, everyone in the house had super hearing, except her of course. Jasper nodded. "I need your help," Bella winced as the words left her lips. She wasn't used to ask for help, even though Jasper had already offered.
"I'm at your disposal," Jasper agreed readily.
"Good," Bella felt relief. "I mean… thank you," she amended sheepishly. Jasper seemed amused at her awkwardness and quirked a smile.
"So what can I do?" he sat down on the opposite couch.
"I was wondering if we could revisit our discussion on Survival Guilt?" Bella asked hesitantly, almost grinning when Jasper adopted a pleased expression. "Before we… go into all that. I have a question, which I am trusting you to give me an honest answer to,"
"Very well," Jasper sobered up. Bella eyed him for a long moment. Just before she opened her mouth to speak, Jasper tensed up, as if he was listening to something Bella couldn't hear. Then he merely looked tired. "Ask your question,"
"What are mates?"
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To be continued...
This chapter isn't exactly fun, but I feel it's necessary to address Bella's mental state. It has always bothered me when I read either time travel fics or stories, that the travel themselves seem to have no impact on the main characters' mental health. That's extremely unrealistic in my opinion, so I wanted to go on a different route. Survivor Guilt is very much a thing and with Bella's past, it would be idiotic to not assume she's experiencing that.
So Carlisle finally gave his input on Bella's powers, albeit his theory is half-finished. Still, thoughts so far?
It was also inevitable that the term 'mates' would reach Bella's ears. I'm excited to show you what I have planned for that conversation.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and as always I accept comments and thoughts with open arms! I know I haven't responded to any, but I assure you that I read them. Truthfully I'm a bit nervous about giving something away, because your theories are quite good and I'm prone to spoil things when I get too excited. Please don't take it personally, I genuinely am interested in your thoughts and I love it when you do comment.