The hypocrisy!

Intriguing development

I wonder, what if…

Logain had departed. The meeting had been tense, but that was always the case. It was not like they had pleasant matters to discuss.

Under the pretence of finishing his glass of wine, Natael stayed behind in Taim's study. M'Hael was brooding in silence, his dark eyes boring into the fire, likely replaying his latest argument with Logain and thinking of what he should have said.

Watching the two of them argue was highly entertaining. They were both intelligent, with a sharp wit and a an even sharper tongue, and it was a delectable spectacle, when one wasn't involved in their dispute. Logain, the hothead, usually ended up shouting, his face an angry red, and he tended to invade other people's personal spaces. This time, he had even smashed his glass of water against a wall. Taim, despite his icy façade, had a rather short temper, though he rarely exploded with it. It showed in different ways: his words became more hurtful, he interrupted his interlocutor, his arguments were less and less rational…and he smirked a lot. That had always infuriated Natael, but it utterly enraged Logain.

A glass of wine in hand, a crackling fire in the hearth…and a tragicomic play with two very attractive lead characters. What an enjoyable way to spend one's evening.

Today's debate, much like that of the previous evenings, pertained to the Aes Sedai who were encamped nearby. Logain wanted to warn them, to explain what would happen if they attacked the Black Tower. Taim insisted that they had to follow Demandred's orders…up to a certain point, at least.

"Have you ever wondered what it feels like?" Natael asked after a moment.

Taim rolled his eyes. "What is it that you want to whine about now?"

Natael bit back a scathing retort. "I'm not complaining, burn you, I'm just curious about the Warder bond."

"Can we really call it that? Canler's creation is not the same thing as the Warder bond. Not quite."

No apology for his unnecessary remark, but Natael had not expected one. "Well, what do you want to call it? The Compulsion bond?"

"That's essentially what it is…" Taim downed the remainder of his glass of wine. If Natael had counted correctly, this was his fourth of the evening – three more than usual. Logain had that effect on him.

"Do you think it works on men?" Natael asked out of the blue. Taim merely frowned at him. "Do you think a man can bond another man?" he clarified. "Or a woman another woman, for that matter. Has it ever been done, do you think?"

Taim scoffed. "The places your mind go to, honestly. What would be the point? A woman bonds a Warder for protection. Our men will bond the Aes Sedai to keep them under control. Why on earth would you bond another man? Have you forgotten about the secondary effects of the bond? The…emotion-reading, or whatever it is?"

That was precisely why Natael was curious to try it out, in truth. Ah, to delve into Taim's mind, to finally know what he was feeling, specifically for Natael…

If he was feeling anything at all. Irritation, certainly. Anger, on occasion. But then there were these rare moments when Taim didn't seem to hate him, these precious seconds when he let himself be vulnerable… When he was tipsy, for instance.

As he was now.

Unfortunately, when he had a drink too many, Taim tended to be hot-tempered and stubborn – much like a sober Logain. Natael had therefore two options: he could talk Taim into bonding him (just for a minute, as an experiment) or he could…surprise-bond him.

The pros: Taim was inebriated, which meant that his reflexes were slower. And once he was bonded to Natael, Taim couldn't do anything to harm him. The cons: knowing Taim's position on consent, bonding him against his will might get Natael executed. Would get him executed. He'd be hanged in the square like a petty thief the moment he released the bond.

The obvious solution was to never release the bond.

Natael concealed a smile behind his glass. A silly idea, of course. He may have had too much to drink himself. There was only one sip of wine left in his glass, and the carafe was empty. The moment he finished it, he would have no excuse to stay. He glanced at Taim, to gauge whether he should risk pursuing this conversation.

He had not noticed that Taim was holding saidin, and when he finally did, it was too late. His eyes widened, his mouth dropped open. He heard a glass shatter – was it his? He had no idea. He couldn't think. An alien entity had breached the sacred privacy of his mind.

"Well?" Taim prompted him. "What does it feel like?"

"I… What did you… You-!" Natael stammered.

"I did what you asked," M'Hael said innocently. "Now get up and jump on one foot."

Natael spewed a dozen profanities, most of them in the Old Tongue, but he had no choice but to comply. Blood and ashes, it's even worse than Compulsion. He hopped on his left foot for nearly two minutes before Taim relented. Even with the bond, his emotions were difficult to read. There was no smugness, no amusement. Some casual curiosity, perhaps, but not much else. "Enough. Sit down."

"What…in the Pit of Doom…do you think you're doing?" Natael panted as he let himself fall back into his chair. He was out of breath. Any form of exercise had that effect on him.

"I have to admit, it never crossed my mind to experiment with the bond, but I should have thought of it. We should test its abilities and limitations. For instance, will it affect you as the Warder bond? Will you be more resilient?"

"I think we can cross that one off the list," Natael grumbled. He'd been tired before the meeting, but now he was exhausted. And hungry. He had not eaten since breakfast. It had been a long, busy day.

Taim nodded. "I can sense your fatigue. Your left ankle is sore from the hopping." Natael glowered at him. "And you need to eat."

"Yes, I do." He stood up again. "Release me, and I'll go get something from the kitchen. Then I'm going to bed."

Taim ignored all of that. "You're mildly annoyed, but not angry, which I find odd, considering what I just did, but perhaps you're too tired for such a taxing emotion. Can you tell how I'm feeling?"

"You're curious," Natael said briefly. This was a terrible idea. He should never have brought it up. Then again, he hadn't counted on being on the receiving end of the bond. "Now will you please release me?" No response. Taim was studying him, as if Natael was an entirely new species. "Taim?"

"Are you…sad?" he said in a low voice. "Why are you sad?"

"I'm not sad," he huffed. "Let me-"

"Disappointed, then. I command you to tell me why, and truthfully."

"Because…" A dozen lies came to mind, but he couldn't utter them. "Because I can't tell how you feel beyond the surface." The words were dragged out of his throat by the compulsive element of the weave that formed the bond.

"Why does that bother you?" Taim kept on prying.

"Because I need to know. I need to know that it's not…just me." Was he blushing? Oh, Light, he was, wasn't he? This was one of the most humiliating moments of his entire life, and there were plenty to choose from. What was worse, he had brought this upon himself. "Now release me," he growled, "or I'll have you hanged, Taim. I have the authority to-"

"You asked for this," Taim said, without a sign that he was willing to let Natael go.

"I only asked what you thought it felt like! You interpreted my question as an invitation to…violate me."

Taim scoffed. "Oh, please. I command you to answer me truthfully: did you not consider doing the exact same thing to me?"

"I…" This was almost painful, like trying to break an oath sworn on a Binding Rod. "…considered it, briefly. But I didn't do it, did I?"

"And what did you expect me to tell you, anyway?" Taim went on as if Natael had not spoken. "I couldn't possibly have a concrete answer for you unless I tried it out." He sounded like a drunk attempting to rationalise a completely irrational decision.

Natael breathe in and out, slowly, and again, and a third time. "Well, now you know, and I have an answer to my question. Which means that you can…no, you must release me."

There was a pause. Taim's eyes never left him but, after a few seconds, Natael felt a sort of inner snap. It was nothing like the severing of his connection to the Great Lord, but it left him equally stunned, as if a part of him had been ripped out of his body. Painlessly, but still.

"Don't ever do that again," he warned Taim as he stood. Not without my permission, anyway.

He didn't wait around for a reply or an apology. He couldn't risk Taim taking advantage of him again.

"It's not just you," Taim whispered, just as Natael opened a gateway that led to his bedroom.

Natael hesitated, but only for half a second. Taim was drunk. He didn't know what he was saying. Knowing the man, he would not remember any of this in the morning.

Or he would pretend not to remember, anyway.

Natael stepped inside the gateway without looking back.

Natael vainly attempted to catch a few hours of sleep, but eventually gave up and went for a walk instead. The frozen earth crinkled beneath his boots. He was glad that he'd remembered to wear his embroidered silk scarf, and happier still that his tailor had delivered his winter coat in time. The ermine fur was soft and warm and, according to his sources in the city, quite fashionable.

It was early enough that the only people he encountered were serving maids and men sneaking out to return to their barracks after a brief sleepover with their sweethearts or mistresses. Or lovers, to be more inclusive – and more accurate. Whatever Taim believed this could do to one's reputation, it didn't seem to discourage some of the recruits.

He found himself wandering near the training grounds, the only place that wasn't eerily silent at this time of day. Clearly, Natael wasn't the only one who had trouble sleeping.

Logain was hacking and slashing at a wooden dummy with a practice sword. He was shirtless, his back slick with sweat despite the sub-zero temperature. Natael admired the view for a while, as Logain grunted and exerted himself. The man's stamina supply seemed endless. Had he been bonded by an Aes Sedai? Were those the effects of the original Warder bond? More likely, it was the boundless energy of a young and healthy man. After all, Logain had not yet reached his thirtieth nameday, though he seemed older (and occasionally more mature), thanks to his rough life experiences.

"Why don't you join me, instead of staring at me? It'll do you good, bard. You could use the exercise."

"I'm in excellent shape, thank you very much." He felt defensive, despite the validity of Logain's statement, mainly because he was exhausted. And disliked being criticised as a general rule.

"You couldn't catch your breath after going up the stairs to Taim's study last evening. I've seen aged grandfathers in better shape."

Natael sniffed in disdain. "What's the point? You'll whack me once and I'll be on my arse in two seconds flat. Hardly the sort of thing to build one's endurance."

"Suit yourself," Logain said. "What are you doing up so early, anyway? You usually sleep well past breakfast time."

The recruits' breakfast time, perhaps. As leader of the Black Tower, Natael wasn't tied to the men's strict schedule. He could wake up and eat whenever he bloody felt like it, no matter how many times Taim complained about it. After all, M'Hael had established himself as the role model around here. Natael often served as an example of the things the recruits were not to do. "I have a lot on my mind. Taim is being a pain in my…back."

He remonstrated himself half a second later. That was not the sort of things he should say to Logain.

"That's a euphemism, but you got the gist of it, I suppose." There was a pause as Logain put his shirt back on. It clung to his sweaty skin, outlining the hard muscles underneath as if he was wearing nothing. "I don't understand what you see in him." He laughed at his own words. "Then again, I don't understand what he sees in you, either. You two are such an odd couple."

Natael, who was still distracted by Logain's nearly see-through shirt, didn't process the other man's musings right away.

Wait, what?

His first instinct was to deny it unequivocally, but there was no judgement in Logain's voice, no reproach. He sounded vaguely amused, if anything, but not in a mocking way. Therefore, Natael's second instinct told him to investigate this most unexpected sentence until he knew exactly what Logain meant. "We…are?"

The man didn't notice Natael's surprise. He was busy rearranging the dummy for the recruits' sword practice in the morning. "Truly, you quibble and squabble more than my parents, and they've been married nearly thirty years. It's almost…charming. Well, it would be, if it didn't constantly get in the way of getting things done."

Did he really believe that Taim and he were a couple? As in, a romantically-involved couple? Natael didn't dare ask him outright, for fear of being ridiculed if he interpreted Logain's meaning the wrong way. "It doesn't…bother you, does it?"

"That your lovers' quarrels impede our business? Yeah, it does bother me. Argue in the privacy of your bedroom, for the sake of the Light. We have a lot of important matters to discuss, and it ought to be done seriously."

"No, I mean…that we're a couple. It doesn't bother you?"

"I'm not a hayseed from some Light-forsaken country town, bard. I lived in a castle. I led an army. I've seen stranger pairings, believe me. Besides, it's none of my business. As long as your private life doesn't interfere with the affairs of the Black Tower, or with the current…quagmire, I'll just pretend it's not happening. Like everyone else does."

Ah. Now that was another issue entirely. "Does…does everyone think that…"

Logain was now putting back the various weapons he'd used during his training session, and he was still oblivious to the fact that this was all a revelation to Natael. "Well, it's hardly a secret, is it? You shared a tent at Dumai's Wells. And here, you may have separate lodgings to keep up appearances, but unless you have some chores to attend to, you're always together. You're in Taim's study, he's in yours… Always talking in low voices, unless you're bickering, and stealing longing glances when you're pretending to be mad at each other." Logain shrugged. "The men aren't blind, you know. Also, they already know you're a queer one. You had a fling with the dirty weasel when Mishraile first arrived, didn't you?"

Natael didn't know what to say. Not about the sordid Atal fling – he didn't give a fig about that, not anymore. But was Taim aware of these…rumours? Natael doubted it. He'd be furious if he knew. And he would have nipped it in the bud as soon as he found out, too.

On the plus side, everyone already thought they were a couple…and nobody seemed to mind. Had Taim lied to him about the Third-Agers' prejudice toward same-gender relationships? Logain made it sound like an almost mundane thing, even if it was usually discreet and not talked about.

Was Taim merely lying to himself? Was he ashamed of his…preferences? Or was he ashamed that he felt something for Natael, specifically? After all, he was who he was. Not everyone would be comfortable with dating a (former) member of the Great Lord's Chosen.

So many questions – even more than the ones he had when he left Taim's study the previous evening. If he could bond Taim and force him to admit…

No, not that. Never that. That was a horrible trick, something only one of the Chosen would do. It was Compulsion. It was evil.

Natael was still miffed that Taim had used it on him, but he knew Taim well enough to know that the man would regret it when he came out of his drunken stupor in the morning. He would pretend not to remember any of it, of course, but the shame would be there, for the ones who, like Natael, had learned to read the signs. Taim would avoid eye contact. He would change the subject if it came too close to a matter he didn't wish to discuss. He wouldn't give Natael grief for being late, but he would be harsher to the recruits in compensation. That was his way of apologising.

Maybe it was a Saldaean thing. They weren't the best communicators.

"You look a bit peaky, bard. You should try to get some sleep before roll call. Or, you know, before lunch." He grinned at that. He was more prone to smiling when Taim wasn't around, Natael had noticed.

"I…yes, I think I will." There was no way he would sleep now, with his head ready to burst with new information, but he needed to be alone. He had much pondering to do, before he would even consider bringing up the matter with Taim.

"If I may offer some advice, before you leave?" Logain said. Natael nodded wearily. What now? "You should put a stop to it while you still can. Honestly, I'm surprised that you, of all people, haven't yet learned this most essential lesson: don't get attached. Never fall in love, because it will destroy you."

Natael frowned; Logain had a dark past, that had been established, but it seemed that they'd only skimmed the surface.

But he was wrong. Natael had learned that lesson early on, the hard way and, as in many things, Elan had been the one to teach it to him.

He wasn't in love with Taim, anyway. He believed that Taim would make an adequate partner, in these troubled times. Taim was solid, down-to-earth, capable. He was also nice to look at. But it would be temporary. Natael wasn't looking to settle down or anything, and he was certain that Taim wasn't, either. He wasn't interested in love or even in a deeper commitment. He just wanted to survive. Everything would change after the Last Battle, no matter the outcome. Taim and he wouldn't have to work or live together afterwards, and they would likely choose not to. After all, they could barely stand each other's company.

Logain went on, unaware of Natael's inner analysis. "Unfortunately, given the circumstances, I'm afraid it will destroy more than that, should it not work out. A scorned lover, working hand in hand with the guilty party, both leading the most potentially dangerous place on earth? It will end not only in tears, but likely in flames, too, bard. Let him go now, before it's too late, before it can do irreparable damage to your professional relationship."

Natael almost laughed. Taim and he weren't even a couple yet and Logain was already suggesting an amicable break-up.

The odds were not in their favour, that was certain. But Natael had always followed the better odds, and that had led to his downfall. He'd lost everything. So why not go against what he believed to be the safest bet, for once? The consequences could be disastrous, but who cared, at this point? If he was going to die (and the odds, again, were not in his favour), he might as well enjoy himself while he was alive.