Chapter 10: Dust, Settling

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"Levi, come look at this table. Wouldn't this be nice in the kitchen?"

"We can't buy a table before we build a house. And anyway, we can make one ourselves. We should save our money for things we can't make."

"Like…?"

"A mattress. A couch. Books. Cooking utensils."

"I guess you have a point." It isn't like their time in the military made them rich. While they aren't paid badly, the government seems to think that once you join the military, you never leave, and therefore don't need extra money to afford the luxuries in life.

The government also thinks that retired soldiers can't live in Survey Corps headquarters anymore, but Hange's been keeping their presence there under the radar while they begin putting together plans for their house. In truth, it's really Levi who's doing all the work—Sakura hums and haws and nods at the blueprints as though it makes any difference to her that he moved over the wall separating the kitchen and the living room by three meters.

Levi always said that he wasn't inclined towards paperwork, but Sakura doesn't think that's necessarily true. He just doesn't like it. But he does it anyway—he wrote reports and filled out forms by candlelight when she first met him, he documented recipes clearly and articulately once he accepted that he needed to hire some help in his teahouse, and now he is drawing up blueprints for their house. While he's never felt inclined to play nice with others, a solitary activity like paperwork works out just fine for him.

They continue their way through the Trost marketplace, admiring the ornate furniture pieces that they'll probably never own. Sakura doesn't mind though—a life with Levi will not be made better with masterfully crafted chairs.

She glances at him as he walks, always a step ahead of her. He hasn't been acting particularly different from usual, but he's been quieter, and he hasn't talked about Armin.

Sakura remembers when Levi told Hange he was dead on the Marley docks. She remembers Eren and Mikasa's shocked expressions—the way he fell to his knees and the way the blood drained from her face. Sakura is all too familiar with their pain. It's the kind of hurt that plasters itself to your insides, thick with every inhalation you take. It's the kind of hurt where you wish for any tragedy other than this. When she thinks about Armin and his eyes bright with curiosity, her heart twists and breaks all over again.

And yet, this is the outcome she prefers. She can't help that she feels this way and she hates that she does.

The reason they came into town today was to purchase tools. Levi has one heavy leather bag in his hand and Sakura has the other. The sun has yet to set, but she's already feeling hungry for dinner, and she tells him as such.

They stop by the tavern for some food and she tries beer again—it's still rancid. When she gags, she sees the ghost of a smile in the corner of Levi's eyes, although his lips don't betray him.

It's been about two weeks since the battle. From what Sakura understands, Paradis and Marley are back to leaving each other alone and pretending the other doesn't exist. Truthfully, she's not concerned about the politics of this world—all she cares about is the fact that she and Levi are alive and together. She thinks this ardently and repeatedly when they leave town after dinner to return to headquarters, pushing all other thoughts to the edges of her mind.

As they walk, she takes Levi's hand. The feeling is grounding and keeps her from thinking about things she'd rather not think about.

(Cannon fire. Wind, whipping around Levi. What Armin must have been thinking in his final moments, what he looked like after those moments—)

She grips Levi's fingers hard, and he squeezes back.

—

It's dark when they return to headquarters, the building tall and looming and casting a large shadow in the moonlight. The hallways are lit with torches as they make their way to the sleeping quarters.

When they pass the mess hall, they see Eren and Mikasa sitting at a table together, talking quietly over their shared candle. At the sound of Sakura and Levi's footsteps, they turn and look; Sakura gives them a small wave and weak smile, but Levi continues on without so much as a glance. The two in the kitchen don't return Sakura's greeting, but her heart wrenches for them. Their eyes are dull and their lips are set in deep frowns—it's like she's twelve all over again, sitting with Naruto in Ichiraku and nursing the agonizing void where Sasuke used to be.

She makes a sharp turn and enters the hall, inviting herself to a space where she isn't entirely sure she's welcome.

The tools in her leather bag clink loudly as she places it on the floor beside her feet sits down. "Hey, guys. How are you doing?"

Eren and Mikasa's eyes are cast downwards at the table. The seconds pass slowly in the silence.

"Shitty," Eren finally answers. "We're doing shitty."

"What are you still doing here? I thought you guys would've returned to Shiganshina by now."

"We can't," Mikasa says, her voice sounding like something broken. "There are too many memories there. Everywhere we look—" She stops and weaves her fingers together, white-knuckled.

"I lost someone too, a long time ago," Sakura says quietly. "He didn't die, but it felt like the part of him that I loved did. He was never the same again after that."

"Don't equate your trivial experiences with Armin's death," Eren says, voice like a threat. The words feel sharp, and they successfully cut—Sakura tries not to be hurt by them. He is suffering. "He didn't change. It wasn't a part of him that died. All of him died. He's never coming back."

There are no words that can soothe the pain of loss, but that has never stopped her from trying. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," Mikasa says at the same time Eren spits out, "You should've known Levi would do that."

Silence hangs in the air, heavy.

"What?" Sakura sputters.

"You're his wife, aren't you?" Eren's eyes light up in a fiery green. "You should've known. You should've talked to him beforehand." (She did. She told him to survive.) "In the past, Levi wouldn't have thought twice about giving his life if it meant winning the battle. Some soldier he is now."

"Things are different now," Sakura says, half pleading, half defensive. "And we did win the battle."

"At what cost?"

Sakura wants to say that there weren't many deaths on their side compared to their opponents. That her genjutsu gave them a massive head start, and she and Levi played huge factors in their victory. That in the grand scheme of things, Armin's death is only one of the few and that in losing the Colossal Titan, they had gained the Armored Titan and the Jaw Titan. But she knows it's not about that. It's not about splitting hairs and counting the numbers. It's about how Eren and Mikasa lost one of their best friends.

It was never about how Konoha lost a genin when Sasuke left. It was never about the last of the Uchiha clan slipping from the village's fingers. It was about Naruto's best friend, the teammate they both held so dear looking her in the eye as she told him she loved him, and walking away anyway.

No. This isn't a matter of rationality.

"You're right," she says. "It was a huge loss, and I'm sorry."

"Like you care," Eren retorts in a snarl. "Levi's alive. That's all that matters to you."

Mikasa straightens up. "Eren." It's a warning, a call to return from his cruelty, although she doesn't seem surprised that he would say something like that. Truthfully, Sakura isn't surprised either. She hasn't forgotten all the devastation she saw the day she and Levi were snatched away from this world.

She stands up and grabs her leather bag from the floor in one motion, back rigid. Turning to Mikasa, Sakura bids her goodnight and swiftly leaves the mess hall.

When she returns to her and Levi's room, he's poring over some papers. Her vision is just clear enough to see that he's undone the top button of his shirt, but other than that he's still impeccable, contained, always held together better than she is.

When he looks at her, he immediately frowns and walks over to her, heels of his boots knocking on the floor. "What's wrong?"

Except she doesn't know what's wrong. Nothing's wrong, really, but it doesn't feel that way—it feels like the world is unfair and so much has happened and they have lost more than they will ever gain back. But when she opens her mouth to say this, the tears spill from her eyes and the only sound she makes is a choked sob.

Levi wordlessly pulls her into his arms and she drops her bag to the floor with a thud. She leans into his frame, shorter than her and still so sturdy, hands gripping bruises into his hips as she bends down and cries into his neck. One of his arms wraps around her upper back, and his other hand comes up to pet her hair.

"Did Eren and Mikasa say something to you?" he asks lowly in her ear. She shakes her head. "Then what's wrong?"

"I just—it's just—" Her fingers press tighter into his hips, and if it hurts him, he doesn't show it. Eventually, her sobbing calms down, and she is only quietly crying into his wet neck. "Thank you. For surviving."

Against her, Levi goes deathly still.

He's frozen for a long time. When he finally relaxes, noticeable only in his shoulders and the way his breaths slow down, she's finally stopped crying, but her face remains pressed to his skin, focusing on the feeling of him against her to keep herself grounded. He weaves his fingers through her hair and he pulls her in tighter, in a grip that would hurt if she didn't know it comes from an open wound deep inside him.

He only says two words, quiet, like a promise, like a prayer:

"Thank you."

—

He doesn't know how she does it, but in his darkest moments, she always manages to say the exact thing he needs to hear and bring him back into the light.

—

Time passes, as it always does. The weather gets colder. New routines are set. Wounds scab over.

Eren and Mikasa leave headquarters. They do so silently and without a goodbye, and Sakura suspects that she'll probably never see them again, and if she does, it probably won't be under good circumstances. Hange is still the commander of the Survey Corps, but she's back to infrastructure work, and the soldiers who once knew the horrors of battle are tasked with work that is laughably menial in comparison.

Meanwhile, she and Levi live from day to day. Each morning is better than the last. And finally, they begin to talk about what comes next.

They haven't really discussed their future since they landed in this world, and it feels novel to Sakura, like electricity under her skin. For the first time in a long time, she's excited, and what she's looking forward to isn't clouded by the fear that all of it will come crashing down.

One night, in the darkness, as she's floating on the edge of sleep, Levi speaks.

"I thought about it. I thought about saving Armin."

She opens her eyes and waits for him to continue, breath suspended in her lungs.

"I was the only one who could. I was close enough and fast enough. For a second, I really thought I was going to do it." He inhales, pulling the air in like it's thick and resistant. "But then I thought of you. And I blinked. And then it was over."

There's nothing she can say that would comfort him. And maybe that's okay—because he's not telling her in search of comfort. Levi doesn't regret his decisions, however agonizing they may be—he's telling her because she knows the question has been in her eyes every day since the battle, but she just didn't know how to ask, didn't know if it'd be okay to ask.

"It must've been hard," she says quietly.

"It actually wasn't."

She strains to see him in the dark, but only barely makes out the lines of his face. "But everything after that," she says.

Levi exhales. "To not find the aftermath difficult would be a disservice to Armin."

"He was a good one," Sakura says, swallowing the lump in her throat.

"One of the best. Probably the most deserving. Definitely more deserving than me."

"You don't get to decide that."

"Neither do you."

His response makes her feel stuck, and she momentarily falls into silence before saying, "If I were the one in your situation, you wouldn't let me say these things about myself."

Levi rolls until he's on his back, laying as far away from her as he can on the tiny bed. "Some shitty husband I turned out to be." And even though his words are meant to attack himself, they're sharp against her instead, leaving stinging cuts in their wake.

"You're everything I could ever want," she says into the darkness.

"You should aim higher."

And just like that, it feels like all the progress they've made these past few weeks has crumbled, and they're back to square one.

But even then, she thinks, he told her. He didn't keep it inside where it would fester away. He told her. For Levi, that's something. He doesn't open his heart to anyone, but for her, he tries. And that's all she could ever ask of him.

When she moves closer to him again and lays her head on his chest, there isn't another scathing comment, and for tonight, that's good enough for her.

—

It dulls, but it still comes in waves.

Some days, Levi is fine. They will go about their day and it will almost feel like they're back in Sakura's world (but after so many years, it feels like his world too), engrossed in the comfort of routine and each other's company. Other days, he wakes up and he's only a veteran, the shadow of humanity's strongest, who lost an invaluable asset to society on that battlefield.

It's another weight to add onto the burden. There are so many faces, so many names. He could recite them all and never be finished.

Does a man like him really deserve all this? Does he really deserve not only to survive, but to actually be happy again?

Hange drops by with two small envelopes one day, one embossed with his name and the other with Sakura's. The red wax seals bear the royal family's emblem.

The contents of both envelopes are identical: they're invitations to a ceremony.

"For the success of the battle in Marley, as well as the lowest number of deaths in the history of large-scale conflict," Hange says proudly. "You and Sakura will receive honorary medals for your outstanding performances, and Armin will receive special recognition for his sacrifice and it'll be marked on his headstone."

Levi is familiar with these ceremonies. They're annoying and stuffy, and this time feels particularly undeserved.

"You can't not go," Hange tells him, as though reading his thoughts. "The queen will be there."

"Historia wouldn't give two shits about whether or not I show up."

"Still, you have to. For the people." She smiles and squeezes his shoulder. "You were incredible out there, Levi. Even if you can't see it yet."

He still doesn't want to go, but looking at her face, at how she so genuinely believes in him, in the words she tells him, makes him realize he's going to go anyway.

"Don't expect me to make nice with the stupid old men," he says.

"I don't expect you to make nice with anyone," she teases, a twinkle in her eye. Levi scowls. "Except Sakura. You're always nice to Sakura."

His heart twists. "Not always."

Hange's smile fades, and then she shrugs. "That's marriage, right? When you spend your entire life with someone, there are bound to be days when you're shitty to each other."

He wants to say that it's not true of Sakura—that she's always kind to him, even when she's hurting. But voicing it aloud makes that fact more real than he wants it to feel, so instead, he waves Sakura's unopened invitation in his hand and tells Hange he's going to deliver it to her. Sakura, at the very least, will enjoy the ceremony more than him.

He finds her in the mess hall, cleaning and sharpening her tools. They're laid out systematically on the table in front of her—kunai first, then shuriken, then senbon. To the side she has her explosive tags in a neat pile and her vials of poison in various shades of yellow and green safely strapped into their own holster to keep them from jostling around and shattering.

Sakura doesn't need to perform maintenance her tools; she's hardly used them since arriving in this world, but Levi will see her do this occasionally, and he thinks it's a sort of ritual that gives her comfort and reminds her of home. She senses his presence the moment he walks through the door and raises her head to meet his gaze, her eyes still the same shade of stunning green as when he first met her. Her smile is gentle and kind, and Levi feels so fucking guilty.

He slides into the seat across from her and holds out the embossed envelope. "For you," he says. Pauses, then continues: "And I've been an ass."

Sakura carefully peels the wax seal off so as to not break it, and her next words are just as careful. "You've been hurting," she says. "It's okay."

"It's not." The firmness of his voice makes her look up from the invitation. "I don't get to take things out on you. I've been selfish. You deserve better."

"You're not selfish, but I'm glad you think you are," she tells him, with so much forgiveness that he doesn't know how to look her in the eye. The words sound familiar, as if she's said them to him before, but he can't remember when. "If you didn't, you would've left me by now, and I never want that. I guess I'm selfish too." When Levi doesn't respond, she reaches over her tools to touch his hand. "Hey. I chose you, remember? I choose you every day, even when it's hard. Because a difficult life with you is still so much better than a life without you."

She is so resilient, and yet so soft and kind despite everything she's been through. She is sunlight streaming through parting rainclouds, she is the fresh breeze on a spring morning, she is the warmth and comfort of home. Levi will be spending the rest of his life trying to be worthy of her.

But he doesn't know how to say all of that, so instead, he nods towards the invitation in her hand. "You're deserving," he says.

"So are you. There's no way I got one and you didn't." Sakura's eyes are ablaze, fierce, as if the world could fall apart around them and she would still believe in him. His breath catches in his throat and he thinks, just for a moment—

(Maybe he is already worthy.)

To have clawed his way out of the darkness beneath, to have survived the nightmare of being Titan fodder, to have travelled to another universe, to have lost more than he had ever thought imaginable—

Levi blinks, his vision clears, and his face is wet.

Sakura squeezes his fingers tight, eyes wide. He clears his throat and sniffs.

"I'm fine."

She peers at him. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah." He pulls his hand from her grip and roughly swipes it across his cheeks.

"Okay, but just so you know, I was pretty convinced that your tear ducts weren't functional up until this point. I could block them off for you if you want, to keep you from crying ever again." Sakura cracks a smile at this, and Levi has to make a real effort to keep from snorting snot all over the place. "I love you," she tells him, voice gentler now.

He nods, feeling both lighter than air yet grounded at the same time, endless and yet like nothing could exist beyond this moment, just him and Sakura and the world melting away and despite it all, still together.

—

The queen is a small thing, appearing so delicate that Sakura can't believe she was ever in the military, looking almost like a goddess as she walks, nearly floats into the grand hall. Her deep red cloak trails behind her and the jewels of her crown twinkle in the afternoon sunlight cutting through the tall windows of the hall. Her eyes are an icy shade of blue that reminds Sakura of Ino, her golden hair only a shade deeper.

Levi had said that the ceremony would be long and dull, and it technically is. The men of this world love the sound of their own voices; they'll talk off the ears of anyone unfortunate enough to have to listen just to feel important. It was like this when Sakura was interrogated the first time she arrived here, and it's like this now, even though it's different this time, because she's here to be celebrated rather than scrutinized and picked apart.

But still. It's nice, in a way. Shinobi never get recognized for their work back home—it's expected that they go above and beyond. The only time they're celebrated is when they die.

Armin is first. Hange delivers a speech about his contributions to Paradis. She only briefly mentions his Colossal Titan form, and spends the rest of the time showering him with praises of his intellect, loyalty, and selflessness; Sakura didn't get the chance to know him like everyone else does, but she knows all of the things Hange says are true. He was astute, curious, and kind. He was a good person.

She searches the crowd for Eren and Mikasa, even though she knows they won't be there.

After Armin is given his award, the queen stands from her throne and Sakura and Levi kneel down before her. The queen approaches Sakura first; when she extends her hand, Sakura takes it and kisses it like Levi had told her to. The queen then loops the medal, a cold and heavy thing, around Sakura's neck before she places a hand on her shoulder and utters quietly, "Thank you for your service."

Then she moves onto Levi, who for all the world looks like he belongs there, kissing her hand and accepting the medal like the loyal soldier he is. For how much he hates the title of humanity's strongest, he fulfills the role like it's his sole purpose, like it's an inevitability. Like good is all he knows how to be.

Sakura is so utterly, hopelessly in love with him.

"Thank you for your service," the queen tells him, and his eyes are half-lidded, pensive.

Later, when the crowd disperses and the military personnel realize that time hasn't made Levi any more of a conversationalist, Sakura asks him, "How do you feel?"

She expects a few answers from him. He could complain about the stuffiness of the event, or the annoying persistence of the people who want to get to know him, or how the medal around his neck is only a symbol and is meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Sakura expects Levi to be in a foul mood, but instead, he says only one word:

"Fine."

Her eyes flit to the slant of his shoulders, the slack of his jaw, his arms relaxed and folded across his chest. And she realizes he's being honest.

He's fine.

A smile blossoms across her face, so wide it hurts, and she steps forward to take his face between her hands and pull him up for a kiss. He makes an muffled sound against her lips, probably in protest because they're in a hall full of people, but she doesn't care because he said he's fine and for the first time in what feels like eternity, it's actually true.

Levi pulls away and drags the back of his hand across his mouth. "Don't do that in public," he says, although there's no edge to his voice. Sakura merely continues beaming.

Silence falls and she glances at the people around them, whose conversations have died. They're now standing with their backs straight and heads bowed, and it only takes her a moment to realize why: the queen is approaching them. Everything about her is regal, from the way her hands are clasped in front of her stomach to the way her eyes seem to pierce through glass. Sakura follows suit and bows her head, but Levi cocks his to the side.

"It seems like you've really grown into this cushy life, Historia."

Even though Sakura knows that these two have a history together, it's still surprising to see the queen laugh and talk to him like they're old friends. It warms Sakura's heart to know that not everyone that Levi once knew either hates him or is dead.

The two of them talk and she is content to listen, marvelling at Historia's easy smile, Levi's relaxed hand gestures, the way he doesn't have to pretend he's enjoying a conversation with her.

Not everything is gone. Not everything is lost.

Knowing that will keep Sakura going.

Notes: Here we go, my friends. The next chapter is the last, and then the epilogue. What will happen with these two?