Chapter Twenty-Two - Tobi is a Good Boy
Deidara rolled his wrist, flexing his fingers as he opened and closed them to test out the capabilities of his freshly attached limb.
"As good as new, un," he declared, looking past Konan, who was inspecting the arm with diagnostic jutsu after Kakuzu had sown it back on for him. "I told you we didn't need to kidnap that medic-nin."
"I didn't suggest it so that she could reattach your arm," Aiko snapped, her eyes shadowed in darkness as she glared at the ground from where she sulked against the far wall.
"You're sure there is no hope of retrieving the other one?" Konan cut in. "Perhaps if we asked Itachi-"
"I'd rather have one arm than ask that bastard for anything," Deidara protested.
In response, Konan scowled, mentally chastising men for their pride as paper began to peel from her arm, wrapping itself around the appendage that now ended in a stump at the elbow. Her brow furrowed as she reached the wrist before sighing at the complexity of joints before giving up her attempt.
"He's better off making himself a clay limb," Aiko suggested from her dark corner. "At least if someone pulls it off again, he can blow them up with it."
"That's not a bad idea, un," Deidara blinked. "I would become my artwork, just like Danna."
The room descended into an eerie silence, Deidara staring at the mouth on his hand pensively before Konan's head snapped up to witness a figure clothed in black standing in the middle of the room, the faint evidence of a distortion at his centre.
"SURPRISE!" the figure cried gleefully, a swirling orange mask obscuring his face as he clutched a brown paper-wrapped package, decorated in a bright orange bow in his arms. "Tobi brought you a present!"
Aiko descended into a mass of paper, reforming in front of Deidara with her Kirie pointed towards Tobi as a growl of warning escaped her lips.
"Ahh, scary!" Tobi cried, clutching the material of Deidara's Akatsuki cloak that was currently hanging up on the wall in a poor attempt to hide himself.
"You again?" Deidara scowled.
"Who is this, Deidara?" Konan demanded of him, causing him to open his mouth before scrunching up his eyes upon realising his mistake.
"This is Tobi," Aiko introduced them on his behalf, prompting Tobi to wave enthusiastically from his hiding place.
"Tobi is a big fan of Akatsuki! Tobi wants to join!" Tobi beamed, coming forward to bow before them and offer the paper-wrapped gift. "Pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top!"
"Don't touch that," Konan commanded Aiko as she stepped forward to take the gift, "it could contain a trap."
"I'm pretty sure if he wanted to blow us up, he would have done it the last time he was here," Aiko stated to Konan's shock.
Stepping forward, Aiko took the offered gift from Tobi's outstretched hands, frowning at its long cylinder-like shape which made her wonder if it was a scroll. Ripping it open, she blinked at its contents.
"What is it, un?" Deidara wondered aloud, stretching his neck to view the gift.
"It's your arm," Aiko frowned, holding up what was indeed Deidara's left forearm and hand before turning back to Tobi. "Where did you get this?"
"Tobi was on a stroll through the desert, looking for the piece of sand he had lost when he came across it!" Tobi explained, making Aiko and Deidara adorn white-slanted eyes. "Tobi recognised the cloak's material was that of his friends from Akatsuki and had to wrestle some scary looking birds for it. But Tobi won!"
Tobi began clapping his hands together in celebration of his victory.
"Aiko, how do you know this man?" Konan demanded.
"He has a habit of breaking into the base," Aiko shrugged.
"Why didn't you tell me? He could reveal our location to anyone."
"It's been half a year and we haven't seen any other intruders."
"What do you want from Akatsuki?" Konan frowned towards the man, eyes narrowed.
"Tobi wants to join you! Oh, please let Tobi join," Tobi begged, his single eye shining like a puppy as he got down on his knees and clasped his hands together before them, "Tobi will be a good boy!"
"I think we should let him," Aiko stated, looking down on the man as he sparkled at her approval. "With his skills, he could be useful."
"Fine, he can join," Konan agreed, causing her daughter's blue eyes to narrow in suspicion, "but if he really wants to, he'll be needing a ring. Are you going to give him yours, Aiko?"
"Tobi has his own ring!" Tobi jumped up, showing them the ring that sat on his left thumb. "Isn't it pretty? Now Tobi is engaged!"
Aiko grinned, her face dropping as she took in the murderous rage on her mother's face as the newest member of Akatsuki continued to babble.
"Tobi is going to be the best husband ever and Aiko will wear a wedding dress, and a veil!"
"Woah, woah, woah, I don't play dress up," Aiko huffed, waving her hand in front of Tobi's mask in rejection as he visibly deflated.
"Now, Aiko," her mother drawled, a malicious glee filling her eyes to make Aiko gulp. "Is that any way to greet our newest member? Your oji-san would be most disappointed if you didn't accommodate him. In fact, I think I can help in locating all you would need to make Aiko the most beautiful of brides."
Deidara snorted, drawing the gaze of the grey-eyed woman.
"You too, Deidara. I expect you to cater to any whim our newest member has and make sure he is aware of his duties. You are his new partner after all."
Deidara turned to glare at the grown-ass man that was jumping up and down on the spot, clapping his hands together like a little girl.
"Yay, yay! First of all Tobi and Aiko are going to get married, and Deidara will be Tobi's maid of honour and wear a pretty dress. And everyone is invited and we'll make invites and have dango for dinner!"
Aiko and Deidara simultaneously sweat-dropped before exchanging panicked glances before turning back to Konan to make their objections.
"He's basically a dumb three year old, un. You can't expect us to be responsible-"
"I have some intelligence to gather, I can't look after him-"
"-he'll probably die, or something."
"-and you actually want me to marry this idiot? Fake or not, look at him!"
"Welcome to parenthood, children. Have fun," Konan smiled before exiting in a flurry of paper.
"Tobi - go to bed!" Aiko growled after the masked man phased through her door for the twelfth time that night.
"But Tobi had a nightmare that a giant lobster was going to steal away his bride!" Tobi chirped, clutching the paper doll she had crafted for him (Tobi number three - Tobi number two probably got tired of Tobi number one and committed seppuku, Aiko had thought - or maybe the idiot just couldn't count).
"Then go sleep with Deidara! Don't you know it's bad luck to see a bride before their wedding night," she grumbled, turning over to smother herself in her pillow.
Aiko started as a heavy bundle was deposited next to her, causing her to blink at the bomber now snoring soundly in her bed.
"Aiko has the best ideas! Now Deidara can help defend Tobi's bride when the lobster tries to steal her away with his giant claws!" Tobi beamed, snapping his hands in a claw-like imitation before choosing to curl himself into a small ball at the end of the bed.
Aiko's eyebrow twitched, readying her foot to kick the idiot off the bed before Deidara shifted to wrap his arm around her waist, making her face heat up as she froze like a statue at the contact. Even more so when he let out an inaudible mutter and snuggled into her side. Then, the snoring started, making Aiko grow slanted white-eyes as she lay awake, staring at the ceiling as Tobi began to kick like a rabbit in his sleep.
Deidara let out a blissful sigh at his satisfying slumber, shifting to lie on his back and frowning when his arm was grasped by someone that had decided to snuggle into his side. Opening his blue eyes, he met the ghoulish glare of Aiko who stared down at him like a Shinigami, arms folded. Then he remembered the snuggler, turning his head to see an orange mask nestling into his arm, drool pooling from somewhere.
"What the hell are you two doing in-"
Deidara cut off, suddenly realising he was not in his own bed.
"You're in my room - because that idiot brought you in here!" Aiko snapped, her eyelids drooping into the bags that lay beneath her eyes. "I haven't had a wink of sleep between the snoring, kicking, muttering and singing! Who the hell sings in their sleep?"
Aiko's eyes then undertook a series of involuntary twitches that made Deidara wince.
"How about you have a nap while I get Tobi some breakfast, un?" Deidara suggested, his blue eyes widening in shock as Aiko's head nodded, saliva beginning to dribble from her mouth as she dozed in an upright position. "Okay then."
Deidara removed himself from the bed, scooping up Aiko to settle her into his former position. Then, ever so delicately, he tugged at Tobi's ankles, making him shoot off the bed and face-plant the ground. Before the idiot could even make a sound, Deidara wrapped his legs around his neck and cut off the scream at its source.
"Don't make a sound, and maybe I'll get you breakfast, un."
"Deidara will get Tobi dango for breakfast?" Tobi whispered loudly, his eyes gleaming in excitement as Deidara tightened his grip on his throat.
"No sugar, un. You get rice," he growled back, holding back a comment about adding the strongest sleeping powder his Danna had left behind.
"Dango," Tobi retorted.
"Rice," Deidara spat back.
"Dango."
"Rice."
"Dango - or Tobi will tell his future-wife all about how mean you are!"
Deidara looked towards the sleeping Aiko, finding his will power as fleeting as his art.
Aiko rubbed at her tired eyes, removing them to blink at the assault to her senses as she entered the Akatsuki's main base. Tobi was running back and forth, attempting to squirt glue into his mouth, but failing due to the presence of his mask. Deidara followed, throwing small bombs at Tobi's feet to leave scorch marks on the floor. Meanwhile, the whole place sparkled from the integration of glitter, paper littering the place between upturned furniture, a broken sink that was spurting water and small fire in the corner of the room. As Tobi came zooming past, Aiko lazily held out her foot, making Tobi face-plant the ground with an 'oof'.
"Bath. Now," she grumbled.
"But Tobi doesn't like baths!" Tobi cried in horror, lifting the palms of his hands to his mask.
Aiko let out a grunt in response, grabbing the man by the ankle and dragging him into a nearby bathroom, kicking, screaming and twisting all the way. Aiko picked him up and threw him into the bath fully clothed, reaching out to the tap before finding it had disappeared. She blinked, rubbing her eyes before turning to the cowering Tobi who was using a shampoo bottle to shield himself.
"Tobi can't have a bath now if there's no water, right?" he chirped, peeking out from behind his shield.
Aiko blinked once, her fingers weaving through hand signs before a geyser of water shot from her mouth, hitting Tobi in the face as he gargled and flailed his arms around whilst flopping like a fish.
"Ahh, Tobi can't swim!" Tobi shrieked, supposedly drowning in the two inches of water Aiko had filled the bath with.
Aiko could only hope Tobi drowned, no matter how unlikely that scenario was.
Deidara had to wonder when life had gone so wrong. One minute he was an S-class shinobi who had succeeded in capturing the Kazekage, the next he was sporting a little blue number that Tobi had insisted he wear, despite the fact he had told him multiple times that a groom doesn't have a maid of honour who wears a dress, but a best man in a suit.
"Don't you look pretty?" the idiot had chirped.
Now here he was, watching his best friend have to suffer the torture of standing in a wedding dress, looking positively mortified with herself, as Hidan (Jashin damned Hidan) droned on about 'the union of two people that makes their sacrifice to Jashin all the more exciting' or 'the circle of life in which one enters a contract of eternal misery until they sacrifice their partner to the mighty Jashin'.
Deidara was about to blow himself up when Tobi chirped out a "Tobi does".
Their audience clapped, every single member of Akatsuki having shown up to enjoy such torture, just like the sadists they were. Konan looked positively smug with herself as she handed Pain a tissue, who dabbed at his dry and expressionless eyes. Kakuzu had attended as the ring bearer and mysteriously 'misplaced' the solid gold rings Tobi had pulled out of his ass. Zetsu beamed at their feet, having offered himself as some sort of cannibalistic bouquet. Meanwhile, Itachi clapped politely, doing his best to ignore Kisame who hadn't stopped laughing since he had arrived.
"Gold, god-damn, gold, every second of it," the shark cried, as Aiko attempted to strangle him with her veil.
"Why so down, bastard?" Hidan smirked, wrapping his arm around the bomber's shoulder. "Sad you lost your girl?"
"She's not 'my girl' and I haven't lost anything, un," Deidara huffed with a roll of his eyes. "I guess Tobi isn't the only idiot among us - this isn't real."
"Isn't real? I just married these two in the eyes of Jashin!" Hidan yelled, indicating the bride who was still attempting to kill Kisame and Tobi who was shoving cake into this mask. "Shit can't get any real-er!"
"You mean this was all legit?" Deidara growled, the palms of his hand chomping aggressively as they prepared to blow the immortal to smithereens.
"Send the paperwork off myself, I ain't no half-cut Jashinist!" Hidan grumbled.
"Tell me how to undo it!" Deidara yelled, clasping the misogynist by the damn bow tie, since he had opted for one of those instead of a shirt.
"Undo what, Deidara?" Pain inquired, blinking between the bomber and Hidan with his Rinnegan eyes.
"This bastard actually married her to that idiot, Leader-sama!" Deidara hissed, his face turning red in anger as their Leader blinked at Hidan.
"Answer his question, Hidan."
"Chuh, Jashin doesn't undo marriage! Weren't you fucking listening? The only way Jashin considers this marriage done is when one of them is sacrificed," Hidan scoffed, muttering about 'uncultured swines'.
Meanwhile in Amegakure, the second coming of the apocalypse began, sending even the strongest Jonin to their knees as they begged for mercy from their unseen God, and asked for his forgiveness.
"I see," their Leader murmured, swiftly turning on the spot and throwing Tobi over his shoulder as he went to leave the room.
"Oji-san likes Tobi, because Tobi is a good husband!" Tobi beamed from his new position, unnoticed by all except Deidara who glanced after his subordinate who waved at him, oblivious to his imminent death.
Deidara ran a hand down his face, his conflict of interest scattering his thoughts before he sighed, opting to race after his retarded half-wit of a partner and save his damned life.
A/N: Is this chapter completely mad? Yes, yes it is. Could this story get any weirder? Yes, yes it can. In the very next chapter, as a matter of fact, when Akatsuki gets a err... 'cat'.