The Weary Travellers
Love & Monsters
34-year old Elton Pope rushed through the London docklands. Pausing for breath, he saw a blue police box from the 1960's standing outside a disused warehouse. He went closer to get a better look at it. He'd just pressed his hand against the woodwork, when he heard a woman's voice shouting from somewhere inside the warehouse "Doctor! Doctor, look out!" Elton rushed inside to see what was happening. As he ran, he heard more voices.
"Where's 'e gone? Have you seen 'im?" a man's voice asked
"Over there." another woman's voice answered
Elton went to the source of the voices, to find a hallway with several doors on either side and one at the end. A strange growling noise was coming from behind the end door. Elton cautiously went closer, and pulled the door open to find a vicious monster on the other side. The monster turned and roared at the stunned Elton.
"That's what it did!" Elton recalled into a camera in his bedroom "It went Rrrrrrrrrr! And if you think that was the most exciting day of my life, wait till ya hear the rest. Oh, boy!" he paused for a moment, then resumed "So there I was, with that thing going..."
Elton stepped back from the roaring monster, which began to advance on him. Suddenly, a tall man in a brown suit and coat appeared behind it, dangling a slice of meet. "Here, boy." he said to it "Eat the food, come on." the monster turned to him "Look at the lovely food. Isn't it nice? Yes it is!" he turned to Elton "Get outta here, quickly!" Elton didn't move "That's a boy." the man said to the monster "Who would like a pork choppie, then?" he turned back to Elton "I said run!"
Elton began to run, when he heard screaming, and a young blonde woman in a denim jacket came charging past carrying a blue bucket. Elton turned and watched as the woman chucked the contents of her bucket at the monster. "Wrong one! Ya made it worse!" the man said to her
"You said blue!" the woman protested
"I said not blue!" the man retorted. The monster turned on the woman, and she ran off through one of the side doors. "Hold on!" the man called, and he disappeared back through his door. There was a moment of eerie calm, then suddenly the man came running out of one of the side doors, the monster in close pursuit. Next moment, the woman came running the other way, the monster now chasing her. Then came a very Scooby Doo-eques moment with the two people and the monster running in and out of various doors. Elton could only watch in confusion and bewilderment at what was going on.
Suddenly, another young woman, this one a brunette in a black leather jacket, squeezed past Elton carrying a red bucket. She stood in the middle of the hallway, then as the blonde woman and the monster came racing past, she hurled the contents of the bucket at the monster, which skulked off in pain. "Oh, nice shot!" the man said as he came out of the other door. Then he turned to Elton "Hold on, don't we know you?" he asked
"Oh yeah, we've met before, haven't we?" the brunette woman added. Elton didn't answer, he just turned on his heel and ran out of the warehouse. As he got outside, he heard a soulful wheezing noise. Elton slumped back against the wall in defeat.
"Ya can't imagine it." Elton sighed, continuing with his vlog "The Doctor's machine. The most beautiful sound in the world. That wasn't the first time I met the Doctor and Gazelle, and it certainly wasn't the last. Oh, no! I just put that bit at the beginning because it's a brilliant opening. "But, um, this is the story of me and my encounters with alien life-forms. But be warned. Because it is gonna get scarrryy!" he leaned towards the camera "I need a remote control zoom." he rambled "I'm having to do that with the lean, scarrryy. But look, don't worry, cos' it's not just me sitting and talking. Oh, no."
Elton was standing on a suburban street in front of a camera "That's Ursula on camera." he said
"Hello!" Ursula waved her hand in front of the camera
"My good friend Ursula Blake. On my brand new camera." Elton continued, then pointed to one of the houses on the street "That was my family home, down there. I did try, but these two woman live there now. They're a bit severe. So never mind. That's where it all started. Cos' that's where I met the Doctor and his girlfriend. What was it? I was, er, 3 or 4-years old. Middle of the night, I went downstairs, and there was this.. man and woman." his mind wandered back to that memory, of seeing the man in the suit and the brunette woman standing in the living room of his house, solemn looks on their faces.
"What happened?" Ursula asked, pulling him out of his thoughts "Elton? Tell me, why were they there?"
"I dunno." Elton murmured "I still don't know. All those years ago." he took a beat, then gestured for Ursula to cut.
"Ok, first things first." Elton said in his vlog "My name is Elton. Not to be confused with Elton John. Me mother's favourite song was Daniel by Elton John, though why she never called me Daniel, I'll never know. Anyway, Elton, born 1973. I left school, got a job; transport manager, retail logistics, modest little haulage company, perfectly normal life, and then it all went mad! Two years ago, I was in town. I was stocking up, nothing special, all the usual stuff. When all of a sudden.."
In 2005, Elton walked down a London street, minding his own business when suddenly Autons in the shop he'd just passed came to life and smashed their way out of the shop. A shocked Elton looked around as more Autons came to life.
"Shop window dummies come to life!" Elton recalled
The Autons began their killing spree, indiscriminately gunning down pedestrians. Elton ran for it.
"I survived, obviously." he gestured to himself "12 months late, I'm back in town, I'm up west, looking for a new suit, something nice and smart, when I hear this plane overhead.."
In 2006, Elton walked down a London street, when his attention was caught by the sound of engines. He looked up just in time to see the Slitheen spaceship collide with the Westminster clock tower. Elton and other pedestrians could only look on in shock.
"But it wasn't over yet. Cos' then, Christmas Day..."
On Christmas Day 2006, Elton was sleeping soundly in bed.
"I'm in bed, fast asleep, nice an' cosy, quarter to eight in the morning, when all of a sudden..."
The windows of Elton's flat exploded inwards, waking him with a start.
"I'm stuck in bed, cos' there's glass everywhere! An' I was barefoot! I had to invent this rudimentary pulley system just to reach my boots. And by the time I'd done that..."
Elton looked up through his shattered window just in time to see the Sycorax spaceship loom over London.
"And that's when it all started happening. That's how I met Ursula. That's how I met Victor Kennedy. That's how I met Jackie Tyler. And that's how I finally met the Doctor and Gazelle, and realised the truth." Elton tailed off, deep in thought at the memories.
Next morning, Elton resumed his vlog "Um, I should say this isn't, ya know, my whole life. It's not all spaceships and stuff. Cos' I'm into all sorts of things. Er, I like football, I like a drink, I like Spain. And if there's one thing I really, really love... Then it's Jeff Lynne and the Electric Light Orchestra. Cos' ya can't beat a bit of ELO!" he put Mr Blue Sky on then, dancing around the room to it, before resuming the vlog. "So! Great big spaceship hanging over London, imagine the theories!"
After Christmas, Elton was busy typing on his computer.
"The internet went into meltdown!"
Elton jumped back as his PC sparked out.
"But I kept on digging something was going on. Oh, yes! And then one day, on some obscure little blog by someone called Ursula Blake, it was like a chance in a million."
Elton was surfing the internet on his new PC, when he found a webpage entitled 'My invasion blog'. On the main page was a photo of the man and the brunette woman standing in the snow on Christmas Day, their arms around each other.
"It was them. It was that man and woman again, but the photo was new, it was taken on Christmas Day. But Christmas just gone and they looked exactly the same."
Elton was sat on a park bench with a bespectacled brunette woman, Ursula Blake. "His name is the Doctor." she told Elton "I don't know her name."
"Doctor what?" Elton asked
"That's all anybody knows." Ursula replied "But Christmas Day I was taking photos all over the place. I went mad with it all, spaceships and lasers, and everyfink. We all went to Trafalgar Square that night, cos' everyone was celebrating, just being alive. An' I snapped them in passing, that's all. They were just some bloke an' his girlfriend. I didn't realise they were significant, until Mr Skinner pointed it out."
"Who's Mr Skinner?"
"Oh, there's a few of us." Ursula smiled "The inner sanctum. All studying this Doctor and that woman."
Elton scooted closer to her "I've seen them, the Doctor and that woman, I swear to you. I saw 'em when I was a kid. They were in my house and they were downstairs."
"Don't tell me, they looked exactly the same then as they do now."
"Yes. Yes! Oh my God, you believe me!" Elton breathed
"I'm not the only one, ya know." Ursula smiled
"So that's how I met Ursula, all thanks to the Doctor and Gazelle. Turns out we all read the same sites and she only lived half a mile like she said, there was this little community, the select few, all with their stories of the Doctor and Gazelle."
Elton was sat at a table with Ursula, a middle-aged man, a middle-aged woman and a young black woman.
"This little band used to meet up, underneath the old library on Maccateer Street. Mr Skinner, first name Colin, but we all used to call him Mr Skinner. I dunno why, we just did"
The man was giving a presentation on a flipchart. "To me, the Doctor isn't a man." he said "He's more a collection of archetypes."
"Then there was Bridget." Elton continued "She lived way up north, but she travelled down without fail, just for the meetings."
The middle-aged woman was giving a slideshow presentation. "All these different Doctors and that woman come and go, but the single constant factor is this faux-police box." she said, bringing up a slide of a 1960's blue police box "It keeps cropping up throughout history."
"Then there was Bliss. She was ever so sweet, Bliss. Bless Bliss we used to say"
The black woman showed the group a modern art sculpture "What I'm tryin' to do is sum up the Doctor, what he means to us." she explained "What he could represent and what he should represent. And what he... Never won't represent, sort of thing."
The group were back sitting around the table. "We should have a name." Ursula suggested "Ya know, as a group."
"Names are very important." Bliss agreed
"What we need is a good, strong name, like a time." Elton said "Something like... London Investigation 'N' Detective Agency. LINDA for short."
Say it again?" Colin asked
"London Investigation 'N' Detective Agency."
"'N'?"
"Fish 'n' chips, Rock 'n' roll, Chackedemus 'n' pliers." Elton explained and they all laughed in recognition.
"LINDA. I like it." Bridget said "It's not too solemn."
"I like the 'n'!" Bliss added
"We're the men from LINDA!" Elton cheered
"And the women." Bridget reminded
"LINDA united." Colin smiled
"Did ya fink of that on the spot?" Ursula asked Elton quietly
"Nah, I've wanted to use it for years." Elton replied
"I give you, LINDA!" Colin held up his tea mug
"LINDA!" they all toasted, banging their mug together
"So we'd all meet up, every week, and we'd talk about the Doctor and Gazelle for a bit." Elton reminisced "But after a while, Bridget started cooking. Next thing ya know, Mr Skinner starts his readings, cos' he was writing his own novel. As time went on, we got know each other better and better."
"I only started all this because my daughter disappeared." Bridget said sadly "It wasn't aliens that took her away, it was just drugs. I come down to London every week and I just keep looking for her." she broke down crying, and Ursula comforted her, while the others looked on sympathetically.
On another meeting, Bliss brought a guitar and performing a folk song. Ursula grabbed a tambourine and joined in.
"Then it turned out that Bridget could play the piano, and I confessed my love of ELO. Next thing ya know, musical LINDA. Just for fun" Elton smiled, remembering the group performing a rousing rendition of ELO's Don't Bring Me Down. He had sung the lead vocals, Ursula was bass player, Bliss bass, Bridget piano, and Colin drums. "And that's when it all changed. That Tuesday night in March, that's when he arrived." Elton's smile faded at the memory.
The group were in full swing of their performance, when suddenly the power went out. As they tried to work out what had happened, the door opened and a shadowy figure walked in. "Lights." the figure called.
"That's when we met Victor Kennedy." Elton said coldly "And the golden age was gone."
The lights came on to reveal a portly man with a goatee standing there "So, we meet at last." he said "LINDIA." he used air quotes
Colin stepped forward "Pleased to meet you, sir." he held his hand out "I'm sorry, was the music too loud?"
"No, no, no, I don't shake hands." Victor said, motioning for them all to step back "Back, back. I suffer from a skin complaint. Ex-ee-ma."
"Oh, you mean eczema." Elton said
"Oh, this is worse, much worse." Victor replied "I blister to the touch. Back, back, al of you, further, further." the group all backed up "Thank you."
"Sorry, don't mind me asking, but who are you?" Elton asked
"I am your salvation." Victor replied cryptically
They were soon all gathered around Victor's laptop, watching footage of the Doctor, the brunette woman and the blonde woman all walking towards the blue box sometime in the 1980's. "That's the Doctor." Ursula breathed
"It's really them." Elton realised
"You've forgotten yer purpose in life." Victor sneered "You with your band, and your cakes and your blubbing, and all the while they still exist. The Doctor and Gazelle."
"Who's Gazelle?" Colin asked
"Her." Victor replied, pointing to the brunette, who was just going inside the box with the Doctor and the blonde.
"Ya mean, that's her name?" Bliss breathed, leaning forward to get a better look. "Look at 'em, just look!"
"Move back!" Victor said rudely "Move back all of you." and they all complied. The picture on his screen fuzzed up "Wait for this bit." he said "The picture cuts out but the sound continues." a soulful wheezing noise began to sound "Listen, just listen. Listen to the sound of the universe."
Elton dropped onto a chair, recognising the sound. "What is it? What's wrong?" Ursula asked, moving over to him
"Leave him!" Victor jumped to his feet "You've heard it before, haven't you?" he asked Elton "When? When was it? Where? Where were you?"
"I'd forgotten." Elton murmured "Til now. But it was that night."
"What night?" Victor asked
"I was just a kid." Elton remembered "That's why I went downstairs. It woke me up. That noise... But what is it? What does it mean?"
"That is the sound of their spaceship." Victor replied. He grabbed his briefcase and pulled out some papers. "Right then, homework. Using the Torchwood files, we are able to look at the old databases in a completely new light." he began handing out files to everyone "We are able to build more detailed profiles on the Doctor and Gazelle. I've allocated tasks to each of you. I'd like you to..." Colin got a bit too close for his comfort "Careful! Watch the ex-ee-ma!" Colin gave him an apologetic look and took the file. "I would like you to complete your targets. We'll meet back here this time next week, one step closer to catching the Doctor and Gazelle. Well, don't just sit there! Move!" he shooed them away, and they began to file out of the room "Um, Bliss? It is Bliss, isn't it?
"Yeah." she replied
"Yes. Could I have a word with you in private, please?"
"Course ya can, yeah."
"Thank you." Victor turned to the others "Goodbye, goodbye."
Once they were outside, the others discussed their tasks "Better get to work." Elton said "Lots to do."
"I never thought of it to work." Ursula frowned, a little put out at how Victor had just waltzed in and took over the group.
"It's what we've always wanted, though." Elton tried to lift the mood "To find the Doctor. And now we know the woman's name.
"Yeah, I suppose." Ursula shrugged, and they all went their separate ways.
"All of a sudden, without anyone saying so, we were working for Victor Kennedy." Elton recalled "And we had to admit, he was right, his methods were much more rigorous. It felt like we were getting closer and closer to the Doctor and Gazelle."
Elton, Ursula, Colin and Bridget were sat at desks sifting through various papers, while Victor sat on another desk supervising them. Elton put his hand up "Mr Kennedy?"
"Yes?" Victor grunted, rolling his eyes.
"We were wandering... No sign of Bliss. D'you know where she is?"
"Yes. Didn't she tell you? She's getting married." Victor replied "She left a message. It'll never last, stupid girl." he laughed "Come on, back to work!" he ordered, and the others did so.
"But we did get lucky once." Elton said into his vlog
Colin ran into the room brandishing a piece of paper "A police box, newly arrived!" he cried excitedly "It says newly arrived today in Woolwich."
Victor snatched the paper and looked it for a moment "Well, don't just stand there! Move! Move!" he barked, and the others scurried off.
"But don't get excited. That's where you came in." Elton explained "Woolwich, police box, red bucket, blue bucket, me so stupid, etc."
To say Victor wasn't pleased at Elton's attempt to nab the Doctor and Gazelle had failed would be an understatement "Useless!" he fumed
"I just froze." Elton said meekly
"You met them, and you froze?! You stupid man!" Victor raised his hand, ready to strike Elton.
"Ya can't hit me, cos' ya can't touch, ya said so." Elton protested "Ya get a rash and an itch and.."
"I can use this"" Victor retorted, grabbing his cane.
"Use that cane on him, an' you'll get one HELL of a smack off ME!" Ursula snapped, coming forward to her friend's defence "An' then a good kick. Is that completely understood, Mr Kennedy?"
"Duly noted, Ursula Blake. Most likely to fight back." Victor backed down "Right then! We'll change tack, approach this sideways." he went back to his desk "If we're to discover the truth about the Doctor and Gazelle, then we need to try and find... HER."
They were soon looking at photos of the blonde woman they'd seen with the Doctor and Gazelle. "Now, when it comes to their companion, the Torchwood files are strangely lacking." Victor explained "It seems the evidence has been corrupted by something called Bad Wolf virus. At least we've got these photographs." he gestured to a photo of the blonde woman, Gazelle and a man with big ears in a leather jacket entering 10 Downing Street "They're evidence enough. Elton?"
"Oh, it was a London accent, definitely." Elton said "She's from London."
"So we hit the streets." Victor said "We take the photographs. Someone's gotta know who she is, somewhere."
"Yes, but London's a big place." Bridget pointed out "I mean, I should know, my own daughter's out there."
"Bridget, don't make this personal." Victor scoffed "I don't like to be touched literally or metaphorically, thank you very much. I haven't got the time. Bleeding hearts outside! Find me that girl, go! Now, move!"
"And so it began." Elton recalled "The impossible task. To scour the mean streets. To search a major capital city for an unknown girl. To hunt down that girl in a seething metropolis of lost souls, to find that one girl in ten million."
As it turned out, finding the woman's identity was easy, as the first person Elton asked knew who she was. "Oh, that's Rose Tyler." an old woman said "She leaves just down there." she pointed to a block of flats nearby "Bucknall House, number 48. Her mother's Jackie Tyler. Nice family. Bit odd." she walked off, while Elton headed off towards the flats she'd pointed out to him.
There was a row of shops by the flats, and when Elton reached them, he heard a woman shout "Oi, Jackie!" A woman outside a shop was calling to a blonde woman in her early forties, who was about to go inside a laundrette. Elton checked his photo. The blonde woman definitely bore a family resemblance to the woman who he's seen in the warehouse.
"'Ello, sweetheart!" Jackie called to the other woman "I'll see ya down the Spinnin' Wheel tonight, yeah? Pub quiz, get 'em in!" she went inside the laundrette.
Elton saw this as his chance. He took off his over shirt and went inside the laundrette himself. He'd been trained for this. Victor had given classed on basic surveillance and espionage. He walked past Jackie and put his shirt into one of the washing machines. Step one was to engage the target and find some excuse to start a conversation.
"S'cuse me, love?" Jackie asked him "Ya couldn't give us a quid for two fifties, could ya?"
"Yeah." Elton replied, searching through his pockets and handed Jackie a £1 coin.
"Lovely, cheers." Jackie took the coin and went back to her washing machine, while Elton turned to his.
Step two was to get on first name terms with the target without provoking suspicion.
"My name's Jackie, by the way." Jackie called to him
"Um, Elton." he replied
"Oh, ya don't meet many Eltons, do you?" Jackie remarked "Apart from the obvious." they shared a laugh for this
Step three was for Elton to ingratiate himself with a joke or a humorous device.
"Tell ya what, Elton." Jackie remarked "Here we are, complete strangers, an' I'm flashin' you me knickers!" they both shared another laugh
For step four, Elton would have to find a subtle way to integrate himself into the target's household.
"Mind you, I'm only down 'ere cos' my washing machine's knackered" Jackie said "I don't suppose you're any good at fixing things, are you?" she asked Elton.
Elton was soon in Jackie's flat fixing her washing machine. "There we are, it was the fuse." he told her "There's nothing wrong with the machine, that's fine. All working." he finished off and stood up.
"Oh, Elton, I should 'ave you on tap!" Jackie said "I used to 'ave this little mate called Mickey, he did all that stuff. He's gone now, bless him." she finished sadly
"Well, if you need me, give us a call." Elton said "I'll jot down my number."
"You do that." Jackie replied "An' I'll make us a cup of tea. Go on, go an' sit down. Put the telly on if ya want. Can't bear it silent."
Elton went into the living room and looked around. There were photos of Rose everywhere. "It's just me these days." Jackie said as they settled down to drink their cuppas "Rattling about. There's my daughter, but she's gone travelin'. I keep 'er bedroom all nice an' ready, though, just in case she comes back."
"And her name is?"
"Rose."
"That's a nice name, Rose." Elton remarked, looking at a photo of Rose "So, where's she traveling?"
"All over." Jackie replied "She's got 'er mobile, I get a call now an' then. Not as often as I'd like. Still, that age, who can be bothered phonin' home?"
"Yeah. Who's she with? Is it mates, or..."
"Just mates. Yeah"
They were silent for a moment, then Elton spoke up again "Well, if I had you, making a nice cuppa tea, I wouldn't stray from home."
"You're a charmer." Jackie laughed "Say it again!"
When Elton told Victor of his progress, he was very pleased "Magnificent!" he said "Oh, I could kiss you. Except I can't, the ex-ee-ma." he finished lamely
"I've even got a picture of her on my phone." Elton said, pulling his phone out and showing everyone
"That's amazing." Colin remarked "You've achieved steps one through four in precise order. How'd you manage it?"
"Well, I had to work hard." Elton replied "She keeps everything close to her chest."
"That's a hell of a chest." Ursula muttered
"But how d'you move on?" Bridget asked Victor "Step five, that's the problem."
"Step five. That's this work's homework!" Victor announced "I want a full plan of attack from each of you. Now go on, vamoose! Avanti! There's work to do. And Elton, keep infiltrating! You'll do anything to get that information, boy, anything!"
"Yes sir!" Elton replied, and they all began to file out of the room.
"Oh, oh, Bridget? Bridget, oh yes. Could I have a word with you in private, please?"
"Er, Mr Skinner's giving me a lift." Bridget answered
"Oh, I can drop you at the station. I'm sure Mr Skinner won't mind, will you?"
"Not at all." Colin said and turned to Bridget "Um, Bridget, I'll see you next week."
"Alright, then." Bridget, and Colin gave her a small kiss, then he left with Elton and Ursula
"Now Mr Skinner, I don't mean to pry." Ursula said when they were outside "But did you give Bridget a little kiss back there?"
"I think I did." Colin replied
"And, if you get your way, might there be more little kisses between the two of you?"
"I think there might..."
"I knew it!" Ursula grinned
"That's brilliant!" Elton smiled
"Now let's not get excited, we'll see." Colin said modestly.
Infiltration went well, as Jackie kept phoning Elton needed things in her flat fixed. One day, he was working on a fuse in a plug socket behind the settee. "It's weird these fuses." he remarked "They keep on blowing. Must be near a sub-station, cos' then ya get the power surges. Still, there we go, fixed." he stood up to come face-to-face with Jackie, who was dressed in a revealing outfit and carrying two glasses of wine.
"There we are." she said, offering him one of the glasses "Little reward for my favourite handyman."
"I shouldn't really, I've got the car outside." Elton replied
"Well, ya could always splash out on a taxi, or whatever." Jackie said suggestively "See what 'appens."
"Right, yeah." Elton blustered and took a glass "Cheers."
"Cheers!" they clinked their glasses together
"Very nice." Elton remarked as he took a sip of the wine "What's that, French?"
"I s'pose so. They know 'ow to do things, the French."
"Is it from Rose? I mean, is she in France?"
"My daughter won't be comin' back tonight, just in case ya wanderin'. We've got the place to ourselves."
"Right. Nice music." Elton remarked, noting the operatic version of Unbreak my Heart that was playing.
"II Divo."
"Yeah."
Jackie began to advance on him "You were sayin', power surges."
"From the power station, yeah." Elton said nervously
"Is that why it gets so hot in 'ere?"
"Is it hot?"
"Oh, I fink so. Ya should take ya jacket off."
"Nah, I'm fine, I'm..."
"No, look at you, you must be boiling." and with that, Jackie accidentally-on-purpose spilled some wine on Elton's shirt. "Oh, look at ya shirt! Sorry."
"No, I'm fine, it's alright." Elton waved her off
"I've ruined it."
"No, honestly, it's fine."
"Take it off, I'll put it in the wash."
"Oh, come on, it's only a little drop."
Jackie promptly spilled more wine on his shirt. "There now. Ruined."
Elton conceded. He rushed into the bathroom, and ditched his jacket and shirt. He prepared himself for the ultimate step five. "You're right, it IS a bit hot." he said as he came out of the bathroom "But it's about to get hotter!" he stopped in his tracks when he saw Jackie on the phone.
"I'll see ya soon." she said into the phone "Alright, be careful. Bye." she put the phone down and sighed
"Everything alright?" Elton asked
"That was my daughter." Jackie replied, then she turned to look at him "Oh, look at you. I'm sorry. I was just being stupid."
"Is she ok?" Elton asked
"She's so far away." Jackie replied "I get left here sometimes an', urm... I don't know where she is. Anyfink could be 'appening to 'er, anyfink. An' I just go a bit mad. Put ya shirt back on."
"Where is she?" Elton asked sympathetically
"Doesn't matter." Jackie waved him off "I'm sorry. You'd better go."
Elton turned to go back to the bathroom when something struck him "Actually... Never mind about Rose." he said "I'm not even gonna ask. And I WILL put my shirt back on, because I'm gonna go out, and get us a pizza. Cos' I reckon you need cheering up. She goes swanning off, and who's left to care about you, eh? So I say nice bit of pizza, we'll put the telly on nice an' loud, we'll annoy that woman next door, just you and me, as proper mates. Yeah? Mates. Go on, say 'yes'!"
"Yes." Jackie smiled
Elton had realised something. He had been so lost in aliens, conspiracies and targets, that he'd been missing the obvious. He DID like Jackie, but there was someone he liked even more; Ursula.
15 minutes later, Elton returned to the Powell Estate with a pizza box, to find Jackie waiting for him outside with his jacket. "Right, let's get inside, then." he said cheerfully "Pizza's getting cold."
"I went in your coat." Jackie said bluntly "For once in my life, I fought I'll pay. I fought 'He's such a nice man, he won't accept anyfink so I'll slip a tenner in 'is pocket.' An' look what I found." She produced Elton's photo of Rose "A photograph of my daughter."
Elton realised what she was thinking "No, no, no. It's not like THAT." he blustered "I can explain."
"I bet you can." Jackie glared
"I wasn't been pervy or anything, I wasn't after HER. I was looking for the Doctor."
"Oh, I know that." Jackie said coldly "I worked that out. Cos' it's never ME, is it?"
"But that's how it STARTED, but I've changed my mind." Elton tried to reason, but Jackie was having none of it.
"Let me tell you somefink about those who get left behind. Because it's hard, an' that's what you become; hard. But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that I will NEVER let her down. And I will protect all three of them until the end of my life. So whatever you want, I'm warning you, BACK OFF!"
"But Jackie, I only wanted to MEET them." Elton reasoned
"I fought you LIKED me." Jackie began to cry
"I do!"
"Just get outta here!" Jackie snapped, tossing him his coat and going full-blown EastEnders mode "I said GET OUT! An' leave me alone!" she stormed off back towards her flat, leaving Elton to realise that she was right.
Next day, Elton was back at LINDA HQ. He had had enough of what Victor had done to LINDA. "And she was right!" Elton fumed "It was shameful. We USED that woman!"
"I knew I couldn't trust you!" Victor sneered "You stupid little man, you failed step five!"
"I DON'T CARE ABOUT STEP FIVE!" Elton snapped "Cos' it's all gone wrong, Mr Kennedy, ever since YOU turned up! We used to come here every week, and we'd have a laugh." he said sadly "We were friends. No wonder they stopped coming. I mean, there's no Bliss anymore and even Bridget, she hasn't turned up."
"I've been phoning and phoning, there's no reply." Colin added, concerned
"And who can blame her?" Elton said, then turned back to Victor "I'm sorry Victor, but you're on ya own. Cos' I am leaving! And so are you, Mr Skinner." he turned to Ursula "And as for you, Ursula, you're coming with me. And we're going to the Golden Locust and we're gonna have a Chinese."
"What's that got to do wiv it?" Ursula asked
"I mean you and me, together." he said "Having a meal. If ya want."
"Oh, I'd love it!" Ursula smiled
"But you can't leave." Victor protested "You'll never know what they doing, the Doctor, Gazelle. You'll never know what they were doing in your house all those years ago."
"No, I'll never know." Elton replied. He'd decided he didn't want to know. He was just going to let the past be the past and live a normal life. "Ursula? Get ya stuff." Ursula got to her feet "Mr Skinner, are you coming? Not to the Chinese, if ya don't mind, just sorta walking out."
"I certainly am." Colin replied getting up as well.
"Victor, good luck. Goodbye." Elton said, and he turned on his heel and they all began to head for the door.
"Mr Skinner?" Victor called "Would you stay for a minute, please?"
"We're walking out." Colin told him
"I've got numbers for Bridget. I've kept records. I've got old numbers. We could track her down. Together you and I."
Colin turned to Elton and Ursula "That's more like the old team spirit." he shrugged "You two have a nice time."
"I hope you find her." Ursula said to him
"I'll email you." Elton added, then he and Ursula turned and went outside.
They were both soon walking down the street hand-in-hand. Mmm, prawns." Ursula remarked
"Yeah, I love prawns." Elton said
"Do you?"
"Crispy aeromatic, though."
Suddenly Ursula realised something "Oh, I left my phone!"
"Really?"
"Yeah." she checked her pockets "It's not in my pocket."
"So much for the big exit." Elton remarked, as they turned and went back to HQ.
"I'm not stopping." Ursula said as they went back into the cellar "I just left my... Phone" she finished as they saw that Colin was nowhere to be seen, and Victor was hidden behind a newspaper "Victor?"
"Take your phone and go." Victor hissed rudely
"Where's Mr Skinner?" Ursula asked, looking around
"He's gone to the toilet."
"We haven't got toilets." Elton pointed out as he and Ursula walked closer to Victor "We have to use the pub on the corner."
"Well, that's where he is, then." Victor said hastily
Then they heard Colin's voice "Help me!"
"What was that?" Ursula frowned
"Nothing, it was nothing! It was nothing!" Victor said hurriedly, his accent slipping into a Bolton one.
"Help me!" Colin's voice said again
"Get out!" Victor growled, his voice now sounding rather squelchy.
"That's Mr Skinner." Elton realised, recognising his voice.
Then, Ursula noticed that the hands holding the paper were large, green and clawed "Victor... Look at your hands."
"Look at the rest me!" Victor retorted, dropping the paper to reveal that he was actually an obese, green-skinned alien "Yer've dabbled with aliens. Now meet the genuine article!" he smirked in that squelchy, Bolton-accented voice.
"Oh my God!" Ursula stared
"You're a... Thing!" Elton blurted out
A THING?!" Alien-Victor glared indignantly "This thing is my true form. Better than that crude pink shape YOU call a body!"
"What happened? Where am I?" Colin's voice said again, and Elton and Ursula looked down to see Colin's face imbedded into Alien-Victor's stomach "Ursula, is that you?"
"That's Mr Skinner! What have you done to him?" Ursula glared
"I've absorbed him." Alien-Victor smirked
"Colin? Is that you? Colin?" Bridget's voice called out from Alien-Victor's back
"Bridget, my love?" Colin called back
"Oh my God, that's Bridget!" Ursula gasped
"Colin, where are you?" Bridget asked
"I'm here, Bridget." he answered "It's alright, I'm close."
"You've absorbed them both!" Ursula glared
"What about Bliss? Where is she?" Elton asked. He heard a muffled noise that sounded like Bliss' voice "What?"
Alien-Victor leaned forward slightly. "I said you really don't want to know." Bliss' voice called up from his arse, then he sat back down again, causing Bliss to yelp.
"You've absorbed them." Elton frowned "Are you some sort of... Absorbathon? An Absorbaling?" then he found the right word "An Abzorbaloff!"
"Yes!" Alien-Victor nodded "I like that."
"Let them go." Ursula demanded "I'm ordering you. Let those people go!"
"Oh, but they taste so sweet!" the Abzorbaloff protested "Just think about the Doctor and Gazelle. Oh, how will they taste? All that experience, all that knowledge... An' if I've got to absorb Jackie Tyler to get to 'em, then so be it."
"Don't you dare!" Elton growled
Ursula grabbed the Abzorbaloff's cane and brandished it at him "You're gonna let them go, if I have to BEAT them out of you!" she snarled
"Oh, no, no!" the Abzorbaloff cowered "Please don't hit me! Look at me! I'm such a slow an' clumsy beast! Please don't 'it me."
Ursula lowered the cane "Well then, give them back."
"What? Yer mean like this?" the Abzorbaloff promptly lunged forward and grabbed Ursula's arm. "Just one touch! That's all it takes!" he crowed
Ursula began to be pulled into him. "NO!" Colin and Bridget cried
"LEAVE HER ALONE!" Elton roared, rushing forward
"Don't touch me." Ursula warned him "Oh, Elton. I'm so sorry. You can't touch me."
"Ursula..." tears formed in Elton's eyes
"Most likely to fight back indeed!" the Abzorbaloff mocked
"Leave her alone!" Elton demanded, but it was no good. With one last scream, Ursula disappeared into the Abzorbaloff.
"Yes!" the creature smirked, as Ursula's face began to appear on his chest.
"No! That's not fair!" Elton cried
"She tastes like chicken." the Abzorbaloff said callously
"Elton, where are you?" Ursula called out
"Please. Mr Kennedy, please. I'm begging you." Elton pleaded "I'm asking you. I'm BEGGING you. Give her back to me."
"I can't." the Abzorbaloff told him "Once they've been absorbed, the process is irreversible."
"Wait a minute." Ursula realised "Now I've been absorbed, I can read his thoughts." her eyes widened "Oh my God! Elton, you're next! Get out of here! Now you've seen him, he can't let ya go. Just run! Go on! Never mind me, get out!
"Isn't she the clever one?" the Abzorbaloff sneered
"Run, Elton! Run!" Ursula cried
"Save yourself, boy!" Colin urged
"Run for your life!" Bridget added
At moment, the Abzorbaloff lept to his feet and lunged over the desk at Elton. Elton promptly turned on his heel and legged out of the room. Once outside, Elton turned and ran down the street, the Abzorbaloff in close pursuit. Despite his lumbering size, the creature was very quick on his feet. Unfortunately, Elton ended up in a dead-end alley. Corned, he knelt down on the pavement in defeat. "Oh, whatsamatta?" the Abzorbaloff taunted "Have yer given up so soon?"
"There's no point." Elton sighed "Where would I go? Everything I ever wanted..."
"Has been absorbed." the Abzorbaloff gloated
"Oh, Elton. Don't say that." Ursula sniffled
"But it's true!" Elton said
"Then join us. Join us, little man." the Abzorbaloff extended his hand and began to advance on Elton "Come on. There's everlasting peace. Come on, join us. Dissolve into me."
Elton closed his eyes, ready to accept his fate when he heard that soulful wheezing sound. He opened his eyes just in time to see the blue police box appear behind the Abzorbaloff. The door opened and the Doctor stepped out "Someone wants a word wiv you." he said dryly
Rose stepped out of the box with a face like thunder "You upset my mom!" she accused Elton
Elton stared "A great big absorbing creature from outer space.. And you're having a go at ME?" he said in disbelief
"No one upsets my mum."
At that moment, Gazelle stepped out of the box "Actually, Rose, I think THAT is the true culprit here." she said, pointing to the Abzorbaloff.
"At last." the Abzorbaloff gloated "The greatest feast of all, the last two Time Lords."
The Doctor eyed the monster "Interesting. Some sort of Absorbatrix. Absorbaklon? Abzorbaloff?"
"Abzorbaloff, yes." the Abzorbaloff confirmed
"Is it me, or is 'e a bit Slitheen?" Rose said quietly to the other two
"Not from Raxicoricofallapatortius, are you?" the Doctor asked the Abzorbaloff
"No, I'm not!" he replied, insulted "They're swine! I spit on them! I was born on their twin planet."
"Really?" Gazelle frowned "I didn't know Raxicoricofallapatorius had a twin planet."
"Oh! I know it!" the Doctor said, sounding like an excited schoolboy "It's Clom, isn't it?" he asked the Abzorbaloff
"Clom, yes." he confirmed "An' I'll return there victorious once I possess your travelling machine."
"Well, that's never gonna happen." the Doctor scoffed
"Oh, it will." the Abzorbaloff retorted "You'll surrender yerselves to me, or this one dies." he gestured to Elton "Yer see, I've read about you two. I've studied both of yer. So passionate, so sweet. Neither of yer would let an innocent man die. An' I'll absorb 'im, unless yer give yerselves to me."
The Doctor seemed completely unfazed by the threat "Sweet? Passionate? That's Gazelle alright." he slipped his arm around the brunette's waist "But don't ever mistake that for nice. Do what ya want." he said nonchalantly
"He'll die, Doctor." the Abzorbaloff pointed out
"Go on, then." the Doctor egged him on
"So be it." the Abzorbaloff snarled, and prepared to absorb Elton, when the Doctor spoke up again
"Mind you, the OTHERS might 'ave somefink to say."
"Others?"
"The other people you've absorbed." Gazelle told him "I bet they've got something to say about this."
"They're right!" Ursula realised "The Doctor and Gazelle are right. We can't let him! Oh, Mr Skinner, Bridget, pull!" they all started pulling, causing the Abzorbaloff pain "For God's sake, pull, if it's the last thing ever do! Bliss, all of us together, come on! Pull! LINDA united!" the Abzorbaloff dropped his cane "Elton, the cane, break it!" Ursula instructed
Elton grabbed the cane and snapped it in two. A glowing blue light came out of one end. "My cane!" the Abzorbaloff cried "Yer stupid man! Oh, no!" he roared in pain, before dissolving into liquid on the pavement.
"What did I do?" Elton asked
"The cane created a limitation field." the Doctor explained, looking at the liquid, which was now dissolving into the pavement "Now it's broken, he can't stop. The absorber is being absorbed."
"By what?"
"The Earth."
One of the paving slabs morphed into Ursula's face "Bye-bye, Elton." she said, before her face disappeared into the slab, and it became plain concrete again.
"Who was she?" Gazelle asked gently
"That was Ursula." Elton sobbed
Gazelle went over to him and gave him a comforting hug, letting him cry into her shoulder. Rose came over too and patted Elton's shoulder, her anger having gone now that the real mastermind behind Jackie's upset had been dealt with.
"And that's it." Elton said into his vlog "Almost. Because the Doctor and Gazelle still had more to say."
The Doctor, Gazelle, Rose and Elton were sat on some steps. "You don't remember, do you?" the Doctor asked Elton
"And then they explained. That night, all those years ago..."
"There was a shadow in your house." the Doctor explained "A living shadow in the darkness. An Elemental Shade had escaped from the Howling Halls."
"We managed to stop it." Gazelle added "But we were too late to save your mother, Elton. I'm truly sorry."
"Because that was the night my mother died." Elton sighed, remembering seeing his mother's dead body lying near the Doctor and Gazelle. "We forget because we must." he quoted.
On another day, Elton began recording the final part of his vlog "So, there ya go." he said "Turns out I've had the most terrible things happen, and the most brilliant things. And sometimes, well, I can't tell the difference, they're all the same thing, they're just... Me. Ya know, Stephen King said once, he said, 'Salvation and damnation are the same thing' and I never knew what he meant. But I do now." he paused in thought for a moment "Cos' the Doctor might be wonderful, but thinking back, I was having such a special time. Just for a bit, I had this nice little gang. And they were destroyed. It's not his fault, Gazelle's neither, but maybe that's what happens when you touch the Doctor. Even for a second. I keep thinking of Rose and Jackie, and how much longer before they pay the price."
At that moment, the sound of a door opening was heard, followed by Ursula's voice from off-camera "Oh, now don't get all miserable. Come on, Elton, you've still got me."
Elton smiled "Oh, yeah, cos' Gazelle said she and the Doctor could do one last thing with their magic wands."
The Doctor and Gazelle both crouched by the spot where the Abzorbaloff had been absorbed, both flashing a pair of silver and blue penlight things over the spot. "If we can key into the absorption matrix, we can separate the last victim." the Doctor said
"It's too late for the others, I'm afraid." Gazelle added sadly "But we can at least do this one last thing."
The pavement began to bubble and a hand appeared. "Elton!" the Doctor called "Quick!" he and Gazelle grabbed the hand and began to pull.
"Even then, after all that, they saved me one last time." Elton said "And here she is."
Ursula walked into shot and placed a cup of tea on the desk. "Hello!" she waved at the camera
"We're in a relationship now." Elton said "And I love her."
"And I love him too." Ursula said, giving Elton a small kiss before walking out of shot again.
"But the thing is.." Elton picked up a remote and zoomed the camera in closer to his face "There y'are. I've even bought a remote zoom. But what I wanted to say is... Ya know, when you're a kid, they tell you it's all grow up, get a job, get married, get a house, have a kid and that's it. No. But the truth is.. The world is so much stranger than that. And so much darker. And so much madder... And so much better."
Author's notes: Well, that's the infamous Love & Monsters done. Believe it or not, but I actually like this episode. I understand why other people dislike it, but I like it myself. I am aware that our regulars don't appear much in this chapter, but that's following the episode. In regards to Ursula being restored properly, Lizziexx did that in her Hearts of Time Saga, and I feel that it works, as being stuck in a paving slab is actually pretty horrible when you think about it, so I've done that too, although my means of making that happen is different. Here, I've had Ursula's restoration possible by the fact that both out resident Time Lords have sonic screwdrivers, and with two, they were able to restore her fully. Next time we get the worst episode of series 2, Fear Her. See ya there!