Epilogue
After a crazy ceremony, The Boys were all now kicking back at Moe's Femboy Hooters, where it all began. They were just shooting' the shit and havin' a nice time. Thanos raised his glass. "ALRIGHT! TO THE BOYS, TO BLACK LIVES MATTER, AND TO COMING TOGETHER AS ONE COUNTRY UNDER GOD INDIVISIBLE! MAY IT NEVER DIE!" The lads then all raised their glasses and clinked them together. "HELL YEAH," Negan exclaimed. Ser Davos smiled eagerly. "I'll drink to that laddies." Just as The Boys were all about to get out their iPads out and play Among Us, their waiter awkwardly stepped forward to their table. He was a teenager with zits all over his face. He probably was picked on at school. The last thing he wanted to do was confront an 8'3 ft purple monster and his insane clown posse.
"Oh geez," he muttered as he approached Thanos. Despite being muttered, these words were audible enough to alert the titan. "What is it little one, can't you see I'm out drinking with The Boys right now." The waiter timidly continued, the scent of piss in his pants was the only thing keeping him grounded at that moment. "Ummm, well…..that's the problem sir. We're in a global pandemic right now, facing a viral outbreak…and…and...you're out here in a large group, not social distancing…and…and…no one's wearing a mask." Thanos gave a 'bitch please' look to the waiter. "Um….um…."he tried to say. Just then, Thanos erupted into laughter, igniting everyone else in the group to do the same. "A global what now?" Emo Peter laughed. "The fuck is cunt going on about," Karl Urban's character from Amazon Prime's The Boys chimed in. "This is some shit I gotta see to believe," Stevie Wonder cackled. Thanos looked at the puberty stricken waiter. "Listen little one, do you think anything could take down a titan like me?! I've literally fought Gods and Ultron and won every time!" The waiter walked away with even less hope for the human race than he had before.
Wilson Fisk began to tear up. "Listen guys…I've...I've never had a family or nothing like that...but you guys...BOYS...this is my family, this is where I belong. I'LL LOVE YOU GUYS UNTIL MY DYING BREA.." Just then, Wilson Fisk broke out into a coughing fit. Goofy seemed concerned. "Fisk? You okay there buddy?" Fisk could not answer Goofy. His face turned bright red, then democrat blue, and then he fell to the floor gasping for air. Hershel got up and attempted to help Fisk. "It's okay everyone, I'm a doctor!" Thanos pouted. "You're a veterinarian, you can help Wilson!" Hershel was kinda pissed. "SHUT THE FUCK UP! IT'S THE BEST WE GOT RIGHT NOW!" But even the best they had was not enough. Wilson Fisk died right there…of coronavirus.
Goofy was very sad. "He told me he tested positive earlier, but I thought he meant a math test!" Everyone gasped. The waiter chimed in. "YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T WEAR A MASK?! NOW WE'RE ALL GONNA GET INFECTED AND DIE!" The waiter ran off crying. He would later text his school crush, the popular girl, and confess his feelings before the inevitable end happened. Nothing would ever come from this. She would just scroll past his message and make twerk videos on TikTok as he suffocated in a hospital bed.
The next few days were a literal hell for The Boys. They thought they could just ignore what was happening and go on with their normal lives. But one by one they all fell down. It started with Stevie. After the funeral, Stevie Wonder decided to throw the biggest fucking concert every person (besides him of course) had yet to see.
"Hey motherfuckers," he called out to his thousands of adoring fans, "Who likes piano music from the 1970s?!" Everyone cheered with anticipation for the legend's next song. He grabbed his keytar and played the first notes of his hit song "Isn't She Lovely." He then began to sing. "Isn't she..." He dropped his keytar and fell to the ground. What "she" was in the song, the concert goers would never find out, because Stevie Wonder died on stage that night….The rest of The Boys only wished their fate was as quick as Stevie Wonder's. Trigger warning for those that truly love these characters. This will not be easy to read, and this was not easy to write.
Two weeks had passed and all of the remaining characters were now in the hospital. Negan and Emo Peter were the only two not in beds. Negan was frantically running back and forth between rooms to check up on his friends. Emo Peter had other plans. He dressed up in his spidey suit and swung into Gandalf's room.
"Oh thank heavens! Spider-Man! You've come to see me pass on!",Gandalf professed as he hacked up a lung. Emo Peter was smiling, but there was no way to tell that he was. "Thanks Gandalf, I'm a fan of you too! That Lord of the Rings trilogy got me through some hard times man!" Gandalf chucked a little. "Haha, that means so much to me! I can die at peace now and enter the undying lands of Valinor." Gandalf's heart monitor then flatlined. Doctors and nurses tried to revive him but to no avail. He was pronounced dead.
Negan rushed into Goofy's room. "Goof! How ya holdin' up buddy? Need anything?" Goofy's fever was through the roof. His head could boil a tea kettle."ICE! SOME ICE WOULD BE NICE!" Negan breathed heavily through his N95 mask and face shield. "Ice? You got it amigo!" He rushed outta the room to get ice before Goofy's body heat set the hospital on fire.
"Mmmm," Yoda moaned. He cradled his aching body in his hospital gown and awaited Spider-Man to come into his room, like he requested. Two minutes, that seemed like two eternities, passed by before Spider-Man finally swung through his window. "Hey there jolly green," how yah holding up?" Yoda coughed. "AAK, not to jolly I'm feeling." Tears began falling down Peter's cheek's. "Not Yoda," he pleaded in his mind, "Please God, anyone but him."
"Well then, let's turn that sith frown upside down, what can I do for yah?" Yoda's face was flushed and the alien could barely speak. "Rrrrresquesting my last meal I am." Spider-Man began shaking. "Sure, your last meal of the day Yoda. And then you'll wake up fine in the morning and have a hearty breakfast with your old pal, Spider-Man." Yoda gagged. "Enough with the bullshit already you must," Yoda stammered, "Give me my last cheeseburger, I beg of you." Pete had no idea how to respond. He stood there looking at his friend in silence. The only sounds came from outside of the room. "Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk," someone in another room coughed. "HYUK HYUK HYUK!" The coughing fit was now out of control. "HYuk.." One final 'hyuk' was heard, and Emo Peter listened as Negan cried out in the other room. "HELP! NURSE!?SOMEBODY!? SOMEBODY FUCKING HELP MY DYING FRIEND!", the Walking Dead villain screamed. Emo Pete was not there for Goofy in his last moments, but at least he could be that person for Yoda. He brought his cell phone out and ordered a Big Mac on UberEats. Unfortunately, he accidentally selected a McDonald's location that was in another town. It would be too late. Yoda died painfully and hungry…
Negan, still traumatized by the death of Goofy, stumbled into Ser Davos' room. He was on a ventilator and the nurses said his chances of survival were slim to none. Negan wasn't prepared for this shit. He lost his wife, his Walking Dead buddies, and now, he was about to lose all of his friends. Negan got up close to Ser Davos. "Davos man, ya gotta pull through! For me! For The Boys! Ya gotta fight this shit man!" A few days later, Ser Davos thankfully woke up.
Emo Peter took off his mask and cried like the little Tobey Maguire, Spider-Man bitch that he was. He staggered into the waiting room, ready to forget everything that had transpired. "Maybe a purple flurp will calm my nerves,"he suggested. He walked over to the vending machine and noticed a swole man in a hospital gown standing uncomfortably close to a nearby window ledge. "Evening, yah fucking cunt," the man said. It was Karl Urban's character from Amazon Prime's The Boys (if you couldn't already tell by the word 'cunt'.) "Karl Urban's character from Amazon Prime's The Boys what are you doing?!",the superhero exclaimed. The Billy Butcher laughed. "What the fuck does it look like I'm doing mate, I'm gonna jump out of this hospital and die like a man, not like these other cunts." Emo Peter brushed his hair back and sobbed. Karl Urban's character from Amazon Prime's The Boys raised his hand on comfort. "Now now lad, don't go off doin' that crying cunty shit. I know you're Spider-Man and you could save me from this fall. But do us both a favor and just don't." Spider-Man wiped the tears from his eyes and nodded. Karl Urban's character from Amazon Prime's The Boys closed his eyes, lifted his arms in a Jesus position and fell backwards. The word 'splat' could not do him justice.
All the way on the other side of the hospital, Hershel was laying in bed with a medically induced coma. They liked to separate the REALLY high risk patients from the other covid patients. Thanos, who believed he was not sick, was pleading with Hershel's doctor. "YOU'RE TELLING ME HE'S GOING TO DIE AND THERES NOTHING WE CAN DO!?" The doctor looked WAAYYYY up at Thanos and signed. "I'm sorry, I'm afraid there's nothing we can do! His lungs are completely infected with the virus." Thanos had an idea. "WHAT IF YOU GIVE HIM MY LUNGS!? I'M HEALTHY!" The doctor was confused as shit. "Well...if we did that, you'd die. It's not like we have any titan lungs just lying around here to replace yours!" Thanos knew what he had to do. In his heart, he knew that it was the right decision. "Doctor," Thanos spoke up, "Put me under the knife."
About six hours later, Hershel woke up. He felt fucking great. "What's goin' on? I feel amazing! I can breathe!" He took a big inhale. "Ahhh… sweet, sweet air! Where's my husband? Now that I beat the virus I want to slobber all over his mouth!" Hershel attempted to leave his bed, but when he looked down at the ground…he saw the body of his lover, Thanos. "AHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL! THANOSSS!" Just then, the doctor and a nurse ran into the room. "Hershel, you must understand! He demanded that we do it!" Hershel was mortified. "DO WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED?!" Hershel then looked down at his stomach and saw a massive stitched up wound. He realized what Thanos had done. "No! NOOOOOOO! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!" The doctor reluctantly spoke up. "You're right, this IS a nightmare. Because what we didn't know… was that Thanos had the coronavirus too! The procedure was all for naught! You're gonna die Hershel, just like your husband."
The old man laid back and choked up on some tears. "Just kill me now Doc." The doctor nodded. "Okay Hershel, I understand. I just want you to know that I voted for you. I hope I can do you proud." He snatched the pillow from under Thanos's cold, dead body and pressed it onto Hershel's face. There was no struggle. Hershel just let it happen. And within seconds, Hershel Greene was dead.