Chapter 11
A/N: So this chapter is about Mer, trying to get on the horse as what Callie said. She'll try to date for real. Or at least. I was out for the weekend so I uploaded this late. Sorry. I appreciate ever on of you for following and reviewing this! Hope to see more as those encourage me a lot. Enjoy this chapter!
When babies are born, they usually come out crying like there's no tomorrow. It's loud, it's jarring, and it's completely unfair. That adorable tiny baby was forced out of its mother's womb, and forced to breathe outside air into its brand new little lungs. It's human nature. No one wants to be left out in the cold, rejected and alone. Affection, acceptance, and unconditional love. We all want it. We all look for it. But when we find it, it's flat-out terrifying. Because just as quickly as we may have found it, it can disappear. And we're back out there in the cold, alone.
Meredith was walking with Cristina and Callie when Lexie joined them to enter the surgical floor.
"Did you see the scans?" Meredith asks Callie.
"Yeah, I just got off the phone from Bauer Medical. They said the patient is recovering will and incision site and flaps are doing great." Callie replied as she put her phone in her pocket. Cristina and Lexie just listening to them.
"That is great news." She replied.
"Yeah, Dr. Thorpe, thought so too." They prep for the surgery that are about to get in. They sat down as the are prepping.
"Who is Thorpe?" Cristina asks.
"He has the right number." Meredith replied.
"Oh, so you're just gonna what, ignore his calls?"
"What. Will someone please tell me what is going on and who "he" is?" Cristina asks again as she is being ignored by Meredith and Cristina.
"Meredith exchange numbers with a hot military surgeon over at Bauer. He said he called but radio silence." Callie replied as Meredith is ignoring the exchange look Cristina, Lexie and Callie is having.
"What? So you exchange number with a McArmy and didn't tell me?" Cristina exclaimed.
"Because it's nothing." Meredith replied. Callie just raised her eye brows with Meredith's reply.
Lexie sat down next to Cristina, listening to our conversations. "Well, I don't think it's nothing if you gave your number."
"Lexie, why are you following me?" Cristina asks.
"Dr. Sloan's surgery got cancelled, so I have nothing to do other than to be your service."
"Well, help four to prep the patient." Cristina said and turned around to Meredith. "So how hot is hot?"
Meredith shook her head. "We have surgery." And stood up from her seat and walks towards the OR room.
Cristina looked at Callie who answered "HOT"
When the three surgeons entered the OR, Lexie and four is already inside waiting for the two resident and one attending.
They were already in the middle when Cristina asks a question
"So, what kind of a surgeon is he?"
"Oncology." Callie replied.
"We can work with that." Cristina said.
"Guessing forties, Kind of tall. He is ranked in the military so he has an authoritative side."
"I can hear you." Meredith said smiling as she is listening to Callie and Cristina.
"But you can't hear the phone ringing."
"May her ringer is off."
"It's not."
"Sometimes you ringer is off, and it's been off for so long, that you forget that it's off, and you need someone to help you figure out on. But once it's on." Cristina said sarcastically.
"Oh. That's it. Your ringer needs to be turned on, you've been on vibrate for too long." Jokingly Callie said.
"Uuh, Shut up." Meredith groan, not looking at the two. "If I answer, then he'll ask me out. And then I have to say no and there will be a lot of back and forth, and I won't know when is okay to hang up, so why answer?"
"Didn't you tell me just a week ago that you need to date?" Cristina said again.
"Maybe, she's afraid?" Lexie finally butted in after listening to the conversation that is unfolding. "She's not ready, she just said she needs, but realize that she's not there yet."
"Or maybe her ringer just really need to be turned on loud and fast."
"My ringer is fine."
The surgery went successful, they all agreed to have lunch together, meeting with Izzie in the cafeteria. When they arrived the saw Izzie already with George and Alex.
"So Mer, have a McArmy and keeps it on vibrate." Cristina started as soon as she put down her tray.
"Cristina!"
"Is that the guy from Bauer?" Izzie asks.
"How did you know that?" She asks back.
"Mer, your story is what keep this hospital together."
"Still no update with your patient on the clinical trial Mer?" George trying to change the subject.
Meredith just shrugged in response and continue eating. They were laughing about Alex joke when Mark and Derek sat down on our table.
"What are you guys laughing about?" Mark asks. Derek placed a granola bar in front of Meredith, which Meredith accepts to eat later as she knows this day will be a grind.
"Alex, said something stupid." Izzie replied to Mark.
"I heard from Bailey that you patient from Bauer is doing okay. That was nice." Derek said to Meredith in which Meredith nodded in reply. Callie and Mark cleated their throats.
"They just called Callie actually. Patient doing great." They all continued eating while talking, exchanging what happened for the first half of the day.
After eating, the group proceeded with their day. Izzie and George still have a few hours in the hospital so Meredith left first. She proceeded at the back of the hospital where residents are allowed to park their car. She sat on the bench pulled out her phone, contemplating if she should reply or call back Thorpe. Meredith has been thinking this the whole day, she knows she needs to date if she wanted to move on. Before she didn't understand Derek on why he is dating even though they are in the middle of S&M and now, she understands as she feels that she is now on the same shoes, the only difference is, they both now know in this situation that they are free to whatever is about to happen. Feelings are still there, but she knows, if she really wants to move on, she should start looking.
Meredith was tapping her phone while looking at Will Thorpe's name when someone started talking.
"Nice night." A voice to Meredith's left. She turned her head around and saw Will sitting on the other bench. "See, right about now, you're thinking I'm some kind of a stalker." Will, straightened up from his sit and stood up and started walking towards Meredith. "Yeah, I've called, and I've texted. Because I wanted to see you again. And I thought I'd asks you out but I can't do that if you don't call me back." Will stopped from walking, putting his both hands on each of pants pocket. Standing, waiting for Meredith to reply.
Meredith was just looking at him, listening, she put her phone in her bag and stood up also from her sit and met Will in the middle.
"And I thought, I thought I'd show up here, ask you. That way, if you want to turn me down you have to do it on person. Looking at my very nice face makes it hard to say no." Meredith giggled a bit as she heard Will say that. "So what do you say, Dr. Grey. Would you like to go out with me?"
"I have said "no" to nicer faces." Meredith quietly said.
"Great, then this should be easy." Will losing some confidence on his face as he said it.
"Yeah, it should." Meredith said as she lowers her voice.
She is about to answer when Cristina walks in and interrupted their conversation. "Mer, we have a transplant on deck, Dr. Bailey needs us, full hands on deck she said." Cristina didn't saw Will first, when she followed Mer's eyes, she saw a good looking man, looking back right as Meredith.
"Sorry." When Cristina realized that she interrupted something.
"It's fine." Meredith replied.
"Hi, I'm Thorpe." Offering his hand to Cristina which she took.
"You're Thorpe." Meredith look right back at Cristina as she just implemented that they were talking about him. "I mean uhm, hello. Cristina Yang, her ver best friend."
"I'll be right their Cristina." Meredith said still looking at Cristina.
Cristina looks right back at Meredith but quickly glance back to Will. "Okay, All right, I'll see you later." Still looking at Will.
"Bye"
"-Or not. Bye." She said and left them.
"So you've been talking about me."
"That's not necessarily a good thing."
"You haven't given me an anwer."
Meredith took a deep breath, still contemplating if she should say yes or no.
"Drinks. Tomorrow. Unless of course I changed my mind."
"I hear from Yang, that a certain man name Will Thorpe just ask you out and actually waiting for you at the lobby?" Nathan asks as we scrub.
"Sometimes, I feel like you and Cristina are more close than you and I."
"Well, you introduce me to her, she's Owen's girlfriend. And she's excellent at Cardio. So, back to Thorpe, are you gonna go out with him or are you just buying your time to reject him?"
"I don't know, I am thinking about it."
"I think she will. And it's good Mer." Cristina said as soon as she entered the scrub room to join us.
"I know Mer, and I think she's buying her time to blow him off."
"I know Mer too."
"Mer is here. Mer is me."
"Yeah yeah, we know." Cristina sheepishly said.
"Is it weird? For me to date?"
"You've been wanting to date for weeks now Mer."
"I know, but I feel weird."
"Maybe because this is the first time for almost two years that you go on a date. I mean after Derek right?"
"Uhuh."
"So maybe, you just need to rip of the band aid and try."
For the rest of the surgery, Meredith was thinking if she should really go to the date or not. After the surgery, she went straight to the ladies room to think about it. Looking right at the mirror. She know that the woman she is looking is not over Derek, even though it has been five months since the broke up. Three months since they stop the S&M. She did some jump and jocks thinking it might help her to convince herself that this might be a good idea to totally get over Derek when Callie entered.
"Why?" Callie asks Meredith.
"I just finished an organ transplant and have to head to update the patient's family now."
"Woah, long night." She said and entered one of the stalls.
Meredith stop with what she is doing and pulled some tissue, she didn't notice that while trying to convince herself that what agreeing to a date is good, is she feels guilty at the back of her mind which is ridiculous 'cause she feels like she is cheating with Derek. She wipes some of the tears that has been falling down and looked at herself at the mirror while whipping those.
"Callie?"
"MMmm?"
"I have thing… tomorrow night."
"Uh, more please."
"Drinks with a guy."
"Oh, you're getting back on the horse? Ooh, is it the Thorpe horse? Please tell me it's the Thorpe horse, because that is a hot horse. Because that is Secretariat." Callie giggled as she was saying that.
"No one's getting on a horse. It's going to be weird."
"Well, at first it'll be a little weird, but not bad weird, and, Mer, it's good. Just getting back out there. It will be good."
"Thanks." Meredith said and throw that tissue on the trashcan and left the room.
"I thought by now you'll be getting ready for your date?" Cristina said as she saw Meredith, doing some charts at the Nurse station.
"I'm just updating some charts."
"Come one Mer, you just need to try and get back there."
"You still have plenty of time before the rounds, go take a shower and shave or whatever. I'll cover our interns."
"Do you think this is a good idea?"
"Just try, if it gone badly, at least you tried? You'll know the feeling." Cristina trying to convince her. "Or sex. You've been craving or one. Did you groom?"
"This is not that."
"Try."
Meredith left the nurse station and was about to head on residents lounge when she bumped into Lexie. She grab Lexie's arm and pulled her on the side of the hallway.
"Lex, do you know where we put the razor?"
"Yeah, they are in the left surgical wing rom 2503 supply closet, why? Is this about Thorpe?" Looking at her quizzically.
"It's not a big deal." Meredith left and went to the directions Lexie just said.
After picking up the razor kit, Meredith went straight to the residents lounge bathroom and took the razor kit to shave her legs when Izzie walks in.
"Oh, Mer, what's happening?" Looking at Meredith who is shaving her leg, a towel on her left shoulder.
"Nothing."
"Is this about the Thorpe guy, Cristina has been talking about?"
"I'm on a clock Izz."
"So this is an emergency leg shave."
"It's not a big deal. It's just drinks."
"What are you gonna wear?"
"Uh, sports bra, and granny panties, apparently, or whatever is in my locker from yesterday." Meredith groaned and throw the razor in the sink. "Why am I even doing this? This is just – it's stupid."
"You know, I have a top on my cubby. It's the one that you like. It's kind of see through, and some heels. Actually, they're your heels that I stole from you. Sorry." Meredith was wiping of the shaving cream as she was listening to Izz and sat on the toilet cover.
"You stole my shoes?" Meredith said looking up at Izzie.
"The black ones you said were too slutty for an intern. "
"-So that's where it is. In you room."
"—Plus they pinch a little, but they are so worth it."
"-So worth it." They ended simultaneously.
"I'll leave everything up for you."
Izzie was about to leave the room when Meredith spoke again.
"Is this stupid Izz?" Izzie turned around and sighed as she looked at the state of Meredith, looking all confuse and frightened.
"Mer, this is good. Don't overthink it." Meredith nodded. All the people around her have been telling her all day that this is a good step up.
"Thank you Izz."
Few minutes after, Meredith staring at her reflecting, wearing a see through black top, black pants, and black heels. When the last minute before leaving the room changes her mind and went back to change into her scrubs.
She entered the skills lab and sat beside Cristina, who is practicing running whip stitch.
"What are you doing?"
"Drop it."
"Okay."
"Mer! You just have to jump on it."
Nathan entered the room as he talks to Cristina ad saw Meredith on the side.
"Hey, not going?"
"Yeah, texted him already."
"Well, I need a resident for this surgery, want to jump in?"
"Me, I'm free." Cristina said raising her hand."
"Didn't I just told you Webber needs you?"
Cristina huffed at what Nathan said and left the room.
"So what's wrong with the guy?" Nathan asks.
"Nothing, he's fine."
"Callie said he was a jerk that night at Bauer."
"That's not true."
"Said he almost killed the surgery."
"He was just trying to protect his patient."
"Oh. So he was throwing a tantrum like a toddler."
"Shut up." Meredith laughed a little. "He's nice, and he's funny."
"Mm, so he's just butt-ugly."
"Yes. He is butt-ugly."
"Yeah, well. It's hard first time out after somebody important. There was a time, I gave up finding Megan. First girl with that? It was pretty messy. You feel like you belong to somebody else, like you are cheating, you know? I mean, you're not, but man, sure feels that way." Meredith looking at Nathan, listening.
"But that's the thing, I am not and it feels like it. He did it, and he looks okay. Why can't I?"
"Well, it's okay to feel that way. But remember, you are not. We loose people then we find new ones. It's how it works. "
"I guess."
"Oh I know. Look, if you are not into him, who cares? But if you are, it's okay. Okay?"
"Okay." Meredith said smiling through her mask.
"And it's gonna be weird no matter what so you might as well get it over with."
After surgery, Meredith volunteer to talk the patients family about the successful surgery they had, she was singing some charts when she saw Will still waiting for her even though she texted him that plans has been cancelled. He was sitting at the lounge reading some papers.
Meredith stopped with what she was doing contemplating either should she talk to him or not. She sighed and walks over to him and removed her scrub cap and tried fixing her tired hair from the surgeries she had. Wiping off some sweats and walks towards him.
"Hey." Meredith greeted him.
Will looked up and saw Meredith, he put down the magazine he was reading and stand up from his seat and met her in the middle of the lobby.
"Uh, I'm glad I didn't left. That's a lie, and then came back, trying to take a chance."
"You shouldn't have, I'm way too tired for drinks." Meredith said playing with her nails which seems to be her habit when she's nervous. "I just got out of 8 hours surgery. I still haven't slept from last night, I probably shouldn't even drive home, until I've crashed here for a while, so… "
"So, how about I take you home?"
"Um.. you are skipping a bunch of steps, don't you think?" Raising her eyebrow.
Will scratch his head, realizing the wrong words with different intensions. "Yeah, I mean… How about I give you a ride home so that you can crash on your own bed? I don't mind." Will looking straight at Meredith's eyes, giving her the purest intention wit ever word he said. "Look, I know what 8 straight feels like. I'm not worried about the drinks. I'll take you out some other time."
Thinking of should she agree or not. "Yeah, I mean…. Yes. I'll just change, I'll be quick." Meredith said and went straight to the nurse station to give back the chart when she saw Derek, watching her from the opposite side. Her heart started beating fast. His eyes have gone read within seconds, Meredith ignoring it just smiled and took a deep breath. She needs to ignore this feelings if she wants to move one. Holding on to something where she knows where it's gonna end up is toxic. She smiled a bit to him and did not look back as she went ahead to the residents lounge to change her clothes. She knows it hurts to tear that bandage off, or rather see it. She felt it, she still feels it every now and then, knowing the one you love is not with you, but that bandage will be tear off eventually, what sucks is, for him to see. No one's want to see what's underneath that bandage. Or maybe, afraid to see if that bandage is still open and fresh.
Meredith and Will were on a car, they decided to have a quick drive thru to a fast food as they both haven't had dinner yet. Will parked his car at the back of Meredith's house, eating the take outs.
"I was worried about the duodenal segment getting ischemic" Meredith said as she is munching her fries.
"Mm. Yeah, what'd you do?"
"Mm, I suggested to Dr. Bailey if she could place stents at the SMA and the celiac anastomoses, just to be on the safe side, she thought about it and agreed."
"Smart." Agreeing too with the suggestion. "Ketchup?" He asks Meredith, she gave him the paper bag that contains the ketchup.
"More ketchup?" She chuckled a bit.
"I love my ketchup." She giggled at his reply.
"I did a, uh portal reconstruction once, good guy, had no idea he drank a fifth a day until I tried to cut into his liver. " He stopped for a while as he eats his fries. "You know, shoe leather." Meredith groan as she gets what he means.
"Uhh"
"That makes it so hard."
"Yeah." Agreeing to what she said.
"Napkin." He handed her a napkin in which she accepted.
"I almost stopped drinking right then… Almost." He followed up. Meredith smiled with what he said.
"Yeah. I don't want to see my liver."
"Yeah, I don't want to see it either." He smartly replied back, Meredith had complete laughed at what he said. He looked at her laughing face and grinned back at her.
Meredith look at her house thinking if she should head out home or stay. "I should go up." Thinking out loud.
"Yeah. Okay." Will respecting what she said. She stopped for a minute to think and decided to stay.
Meredith just continued with her story which, Will smiled more. He encourage her to continue with her story, they were inside of his car, raining outside having late, late dinner enjoying the conversation.
Derek was doing some charts when Meredith walks in, it was the first time in hours since he saw her, at the cafeteria, he wanted to ask her for a cup of coffee but Cristina drag her out right after they eat, trying to take a chance by the afternoon, but he found out she was in a surgery with Riggs. He watched them from the gallery. Though he can't hear it, it seems that they are having a serious conversation. He was that gut for Mer before. The one she confides when she has a problem, he blew it. He wants to know everything about her, how much she have change in which he is witnessing day by day.
She became more loving with friends, and welcoming to her sister. The last time they had a decent talk about it was the morning before they broke up. She cooked Lexie a breakfast, trying to take a step, but he didn't see it. He only see what he want to see.
She didn't notice her when she asks for the patients chart. He was about to talk to her when she removed her scrub cap and tried to fixed her messy hair that she always look cute. She walks towards a guy that is sitting in the lobby, he saw how she plays with her nails, her habit when she is nervous or unsure.
Even though he didn't want to, he listens the exchange of words they are having. As he is processing those, he felt like he was punched by what he heard. Something he didn't expect to happen. Who is he kidding, when he saw her with Riggs, he felt like he got punched in the gut. But this is different, as he listens to them talk.
Meredith agreed to him. World feels like it was crashing down infront of him. He felt the heaviness of it. The heaviness of what he did to her when she sees him every day with Rose, like he just throw everything they had when he asks her out. Then dates her, then tried to sell the land, tried to ignore her presence even when she approaches her for a professional reason.
Meredith nodded at the guy and handed the chart to the nurse when she looked at my side, she stopped for a while and looks him in the eye. As much as he tried not to cry, he knows his eyes are red, from keeping himself not cry. She smiled a bit to him and turned around and walks past him.
Derek found himself at Joe's bar. Alone, drinking when Marks sat beside him
"Heard from Lexie. How you doing?"
"Stupid, jerk. I had her and I lost her. I'm losing her Mark" He sip on his drinks. "I asks her to let me in even though as friends only. Didn't think that she'll date as I am having m great time to try and woe her. But she is. And I don't have a right. Don't have claim on her."
"And you can't stop her from trying. You did, you guys were a thing when you did it."
"And I was stupid. I shouldn't have done it. I should've waited and I didn't" His voice broke from the last sentence he said. He laugh at the irony of the situation.
"I know."
"Until now, the thing I did to her is biting me. She deserves better that what I did. I should've been more understanding, more accepting and truer. She accepted me even when I didn't told her I have a wife, and I still chose Addison. She was trying to take a step with what I want, and I still…."
"I know."
"I'm losing her. And I don't know how to get her back."
"Just be there for her man." Mark put his hand on his friends shoulder and squeezed it a bit. Understanding the pain his friend is going through.
Mark for the rest of the night sat beside his friend. Drinking and not talking. By midnight Derek was completely wasted. Mark drove him to his trailer. Looking at Derek, he have not seen Derek like this in his entire years they were friends.
This was the worst Derek situation he had ever seen him aside when Meredith almost died from drowning. He shook his head and drove back to Meredith's house where is currently staying. He parked at the back of the house when he saw car beside the driveway. The light was on so he saw two people inside. He saw Meredith and the guy from the Bauer. They were laughing together.
Knowing that if Derek sees this he might break down. He shook his head and hop off his car.
Week went buy fast, people on the hospital can see how devastated Derek is as he have not shaved for days, his face is dull and dark. People are afraid to talk to him when it is not related to Medical jargon. For the past week, ever after work, Mark and Derek goes for a drink, as much as Derek does not want to know what Meredith has been doing, he has seen her for three times already with the same guy, with picking her up at the back of the hospital where he also usually parks his car. He does not see her in the mornings but when he is always about to go home, he sees her, either with the guy or her friends. He tried to avoid going to the cafeteria for lunch and just stays at his office and eats lunch there. Sometimes Mark joins him. Eats in silence.
He is in the back of the elevator which is now almost full, about to go home, he had not seen Meredith for the whole day now. Elevator stopped in the fourth floor.
"How many dates did you guys now have?" Derek heard Cristina. He sighed as he will now know the details as much as he don't want to as he knows it will hurt him.
"I think, third? The car, then the last two. Yeah third."
"So?"
"So what?"
"Just saying…." Cristina leaned towards Meredith ears and whispered something. Derek saw how Meredith's eyes grew wider by what Cristina just said.
"Cristina!" Meredith exclaimed.
"Thirds a lucky charm Mer. Just saying."
"Shut up." Meredith said hiding her face from her both hands. "But yes." She followed after a few people hop off the elevator.
Derek swallowed hard by what he heard. Aware by what they are talking about.
They were in the ground floor. Still not aware of Derek at the back listening to them. They hopped off from the elevator and leave the hospital premises. He watched the two doctors leave, Meredith being pick up again by the same guy. Helping her with her jacket and introducing him to Cristina.
He waited until they left the building.
Painfully aware that he has been standing there for a few minutes now, Meredith and the guy already left for several minutes now. Staring at the door they left.
He went straight to Joe's for the seventh time this week. Joe nodded at him and placed a glass and gave him is usual. Mark can't keep him company tonight as he will be having a date with Little Grey.
"How you doing Doc?" Joe asks him as he cleans off the glass he is holding.
"Barely living and keeping it together."
"It will pass." Joe trying to comfort Derek. Joe heard from the gossip pool that Meredith is dating a guy and ever since, the whole hospital is aware how devastated he is aside from Meredith as he had heard from Izzie and the group that Meredith have not seen him.
"I hope we get through with the mess that I have done Joe. I can't…." He sighed and just shook his head.
"I'm sure she still loves you doc. She's just trying out their maybe, to see what's in there. Then realized along the way."
"Karma, this is my karma. And I understand her. I understand why she wants to move on. I have been a completely ass."
"Can't argue with that."
"Very supportive Joe."
"Hey, I've witnessed her pain too. Believe me, she was barely keeping it together when you started dating other people, she put a brave face but if you actually look into her eyes and smile, you can see that she was struggling."
"And I ignored that 'cause I was hurting too. I was hurting cause she was not ready with what I want, I gaslight her when she said she can't trust me instead of trying to process that into her perspective. She's the love of life and I couldn't wait for her." He stopped for a while and continue after a few sips. Joe just listening to Derek. "The thing is, I have not talk to her for over a week now Joe, and I miss her so much, than I ever did. When I was with Rose, I still get to talk to her with Medical stuff, but now, I get to see her but don't get to talk to her, and it is killing me. How could I think that I could survive a life without her? I thought I could before, but now? It dawn me that, if I don't hear her voice, or be near her, or touch her with either of those for a day, it feels like I'm dying inside." He finished and asks for another glass of his drink.
By midnight, Derek was hammered. Joe asks for his keys he wouldn't drive and help him called a cab.