Regina squeezed Zelena's hand so much it surely had to hurt. But Zelena did not protest against it. She simply used her free hand to pat Regina's. "You're okay," she murmured. "You're doing so well."
Regina did not feel like she was doing well. She had already gagged four times during this, and she could do nothing to prevent the tears from falling. And she hated it. Because it made Zelena worry. And poor Doctor Anton too who was only doing this to help her and was not responsible for Regina's fear of men. Doctor Anton was a nice man. He was. But he was also very big and easily towered over her, and Regina felt so, so threatened by him even though she had absolutely no reason to. Rationally, she knew damn well that Doctor Anton never would hurt her. But no matter how many times she told herself that, her body refused to listen. Instead it continuously reminded her of what had happened the last time a man had touched her.
She should have taken another muscle relaxer. Or possibly just one of those mildly tranquilizing pills. She would most certainly do that the next time.
"There we are," Doctor Anton said kindly. "All done."
Regina opened her eyes and peered at him. Was it over now? Truly?
"I've checked the wound, and everything looks completely fine," Doctor Anton said and smiled at her. "You've done a masterful job at taking care of it. And you did very well today, Regina."
Regina mustered a smile. She did not do well. And they both knew it. She had gagged so many times while Doctor Anton examined her throat. Her breathing had been so elaborated when he started that he had to spend twenty minutes on going through some breathing exercises with her. And when he finally HAD started the examination, she had cried like some goddamn child. No, she had not done well.
"Just keep doing what you do," Doctor Anton said as he slipped off his gloves. Clean the wound every night before changing the plaster, and then it won't be long before the plaster can go permanently."
Regina shrugged lightly. It wouldn't make much of a difference, really. She would be covering her throat no matter what.
"Now, the bandage I've put on is a special one that can sit for two days instead of one. That way you won't have to change it as often. And you won't have to take it off before showering either. It'll puff up around the wound."
Regina nodded to show that she had heard him. Had he told her this a minute ago, she would not have heard him. She had been gone. Locked inside herself and unable to communicate.
"Plenty of rest," Doctor Anton continued. "That is the best cure for your current situation. Relaxation. Taking it easy on yourself. But be sure to get outside at least once again. It doesn't have to be for long, just so you get a bit of fresh air, and you used to do yoga regularly, isn't that correct?"
Regina nodded in confirmation. She did indeed use to do yoga regularly. Every morning.
"I can only recommend that you start doing that again," Doctor Anton said. "Yoga is an excellent way to relax muscle tensions and benefit your mental health. Ten minutes every morning is enough for now, but once you feel stronger, I recommend that you start prolonging the sessions with a minute until you are able to complete your old yoga program."
Regina nodded again.
"And last but not least," the bearded doctor said and now his voice was warm. "Be patient with yourself, Regina. That is the most important thing. Rome was not build in one day, and you have been through a terrible traumatic experience. Healing from this kind of ordeal WILL take time, but it will get better in time, and if you ask me, you're already well on your way. I understand that you have been driving regularly since you returned from Toronto?"
Regina nodded. Felt slightly proud.
"And furthermore you met up with a new friend for coffee in Steveston?"
Another nod. Another surge of pride.
"I do not have to tell you what excellent progress that is, do I?" Doctor Anton smiled. "A month ago, that kind of scenario would have been quite impossible for you, would it not?"
Regina smiled hesitantly as she nodded. It would.
"Meeting new people and striking up new friendships is an crucial part in your recovery," the doctor said. "You should be feeling very proud of yourself, Regina."
Regina supposed she was that. Proud.
"Alright," the doctor said, standing from his chair. "Everything looks just fine regarding the wound. I am not worried about anything, and the next time we meet, it will be, so you have the plaster removed permanently. Alright?"
Regina finally released her too tight grip on Zelena's hand and stood from her own chair. She carefully adjusted the collar in her blouse and then tied the grey silk scarf around her neck, so it once again was covering the newly applied plaster. She flashed Doctor Anton a meek smile, and rather than going for a handshake, he simply bowed his head in greeting, bless him. Bless him for not exposing her to more touching than he already had. Regina highly appreciated doctor Anton although her body and mind kept telling her that she should be afraid of him.
She hoped that she one day would not be. She hoped that she once day would be able to shake his hand without fear.
"You did really well," Zelena praised once they were back in the car.
Regina nodded and tipped her head back, closing her eyes. She had not slept a wink last night because she had been so worried about today's appointment, and now she could feel the exhaustion in every single bone she had in her body. God, she was so tired. Good thing Zelena was behind the wheel for once.
"And the plaster can come off pretty soon," Zelena continued. "That is excellent news."
Instinctively, Regina adjusted the scarf around her neck. Was it? She supposed the plaster sometimes irritated her skin, and in that way it would be nice to be rid of it for good. But apart from that, it wouldn't make an enormous change. Her throat would still be covered. No matter what. She would strive to avoid having to look too much at her throat. She knew that it would be so much better if she just accepted it, but she could not. Looking at her throat made her feel disconnected, and she could not accept that it was a part of her. The horrible red lines that served as a reminder of what had been taken from her. The faded imprint of a belt buckle that had in fact saved her life.
She adjusted the scarf again. Was glad that the hospital visit was over and that it would be a good while before she had to go back.
"Can I ask you something?"
Regina opened her eyes and looked at her sister. She had started the car and was now maneuvering it away from the parking lot.
"Would you like to change to another doctor?" Zelena asked carefully and softly. "A female doctor?"
Regina shook her head at once. No. Not a female doctor.
"Are you sure?"
Yes. She was. But she felt like she had to elaborate. She lifted her hands and let them dance in the air as she explained: 'a female doctor would be an easy solution, but it wouldn't benefit me. It would only feed my fear. And I refuse to go around and be afraid of men for the rest of my life. I have been comfortable around Doctor Anton before. I can be that again.'
Zelena appeared to be swallowing something once Regina was done signing. "You're so strong, you know that, right?" she said quietly. "I know it's probably starting to sound a stupid cliché, but you are."
Regina shrugged. Was she strong? She wasn't so sure. Strength had not been a giving factor on the night Killian had attacked her. He was taller than her, and she had been easy to overpower. It had been a blitz attack and she hadn't gotten the chance to defend herself. Except for the knee she had slammed into his groin.
But she had not survived because of strength.
She had survived because the police had arrived in time. End of story.
Physically, she was not that strong.
But what about mentally, then?
What defined a strong person, Regina wondered. Was she automatically considered strong because she was walking around in the world instead of being curled up like a ball in her bed?
Was she deemed 'strong' because she refused to switch to a female doctor and hurt Doctor Anton who had always been so kind to her?
Was that really all it took to be considered 'strong'?
Or was she strong because she sometimes admitted that she felt weak?
If so, why couldn't she see it herself? Why did she always have the urge to scoff when someone told her that she was strong.
She wasn't just strong because she simply was alive, was she?
People who survived a disaster were strong. People who jumped from burning buildings were strong.
But how could a woman who had not left her abusive fiancé before said fiancé had threatened her son fall into the same category?
Was she strong for having chosen life over death when Zelena saw her half hang from the window?
Well... She supposed that was kind of strong. It would have been... very easy for her to simply give up and jump out of the window. But she had not. She had chosen to stay. She had chosen fight over flight. Pain over numbness.
She supposed that was kind of a strong decision to make. Choosing a completely changed life filled with fear and trauma.
Perhaps she was a bit strong after all. When it really came to it.
"Is everything okay?"
Regina quickly turned her head and willingly met her sister's gaze. Zelena flashed her a little smile. "You just looked sort of.. .far away."
Regina returned the smile, silently communicating that she was fine. Just pondering the biggest things in life. Like how mind-boggling it was that she happened to be alive. How grateful she was that the police had shown up when they did. And how grateful she was that she had chosen life over death that day in the hospital.
She was still here. She was still fighting.
Regina reached out and patted her sister's knee once. Just because.
"I love you too, sis," Zelena smiled, knowing all too well what Regina just silently had communicated.
Regina returned the smile. Then tipped her head back and rested her eyes while Zelena drove. She had done fairly decent today. She was allowed to take a quick powernap. The doctor had said so himself...
She did not wake before Zelena gently put a hand on her shoulder and told her that they were home.
And they were.
Regina blinked. Goodness. She had slept longer than what she had assumed. Oh well. The nap did her good. She felt fairly well rested. Meaning that she would have enough energy to pick Henry up from school. She was trying to do that as much as she could. It was still daunting, meeting Henry's classmates and teachers and the other parents. The teachers were nice, and honestly, so was the parents, but they still gave her a certain look of pity. And the children.. well, they were curious. She could see that. Rumors travelled fast, and some of the younger students knew about her 'accident' too. Regina had heard them whispering about her and how she couldn't talk anymore. She was sure that Henry had heard the younger students whisper too, but he never reacted to it.
"Home sweet home," Zelena said softly as she unbuckled her seatbelt and opened the door. "Coming?"
Regina nodded as she unbuckled her own seatbelt. She was looking forward to head back inside. And she was getting a bit hungry too. Perhaps she would treat herself to a snack before picking up Henry. They could have lunch together and he could tell her about his day. She loved hearing about his day, and he loved filling her in. Sometimes so thoroughly that he ended up all breathless, and that did concern Regina from time to time. The way he was rushing to tell her everything. As though he feared that his time with her was limited. It was not. She was not going anywhere, and he had to understand that. It was so important that he didn't go around fearing loosing her. Because he never would. Not ever. She was here. She was alive. And her presence in his world would not change like it had that completely ordinary day when she fell into a coma.
Regina followed her sister through the gravel in the driveway, and soon they were standing in the hallway. She took off her shoes and coat and rolled her shoulders slightly. They felt a bit stiff. Perhaps she would in fact start doing some yoga again. It would be good for her. Body and mind all that. She needed to build up her old stamina. Get back in the game. Yes. She had a solid hour at hand before she had to pick up Henry from school, and instead of slumping down on the couch with either a series or a book, she would go upstairs and do some yoga. Exactly like the doctor had told her.
Satisfied with that decision, Regina strode into the kitchen and opened the fridge to grab the bottle of water she always filled in the morning. She heard Zelena follow her and then cuss softly under her breath. Regina turned her head to find out what that cuss meant.
"I have to do some work," Zelena grumbled. "Damnit. I was hoping we could have hung out for a while and talked."
Regina shrugged and wiggled her fingers. 'I have plans about doing some yoga.'
"Really?" Zelena smiled. "That sounds great. But don't strain yourself, okay?"
Regina returned the smile in assurance that of course she would not strain herself. Honestly, she wasn't even sure she could remember to do yoga, but she would give it a shot. She had actually missed doing a bit of yoga. It had been such a huge part of her old routine, and there was no reason why she shouldn't incorporate it in this new life she was leading now.
Hopefully, her muscles wouldn't be too sore.
Hopefully, she was at least still a little flexible.
The more she thought about it, the more worried she got. Before Killian's abuse had worsened, she had been in great shape. Before she had started to skip meals to become thinner, her body had been healthy. Months and months in the hospital combined with liquid diet and lots of laying down did not make her body any healthier. And now it was her job to make it healthy again.
She almost felt eager to get started, so she bid Zelena her goodbye and went upstairs in the guest room that now functioned as her room. It wasn't huge, but it contained everything she needed.
And right now, she needed her yoga pants and a tanktop. She reached inside her closet and found both items. Then she stripped out of her clothes and avoided looking too much at her body. That would only make her think dark thoughts, and she did not have time for that right now. She wished to be focused on the task at hand.
When she was dressed appropriately, Regina grabbed her laptop and opened YouTube. Found a beginner's guide to yoga. She figured that would be best. In many ways, she WAS a beginner. It had been so long since she last did yoga.
Not to bother Zelena, she slipped on her wireless headphones and then closed her eyes as the yoga instructor (who had a very soothing voice!) took her through the first yoga pose. It was the Mountain. You had to straighten your legs, tug in your tailbone, elongate through your torso as you gracefully stretched your arms up above your head. Engage your thigh muscles. Exhale. Release your shoulder blades away from your head.
She did better than she had expected. And it FELT better than she had expected too. After the Mountain came Child's Pose, and for once, Regina actually felt connected with her body as she laid on her yoga mat with her forehead resting against and breathing in and out slowly. That felt pretty wonderful. She was in control over her breathing. In control over her body.
The next exercise was Cat Pose, and Regina immediately became aware of some tension in her hips and lower back as she arched it up. She had to work on that. And she had to remember not to bring her neck too far back. That would only pull at the stiches in her throat.
Downward Facing Dog. One of the poses she had feared. It turned out that fearing it had not been necessary. Despite the very slight tension in her hips, she was still incredible flexible. And in control. Wonderfully in control. For a moment, no matter how brief, her body felt like hers again. God, she should have started doing yoga earlier. Perhaps her movements were not as fluid as they once had been as she did the exercises, but doing yoga was like riding a bicycle. You never forgot how to do it.
Next was the warrior pose, and Regina strangely enough felt a bit like just that as she stood with one leg bend and the other stretched out behind her. Arms stretched out above her and chest expanded.
She continued to twist and turn her body in the directions she was supposed to. She was actually really enjoying this. It almost felt like a very small part of the person she used to be had come back. This was a proof that she was still in here somewhere. Regina found herself smiling as she listened to the soft-voiced yoga instructor guiding her through the different poses. This would indeed become a regular part of her routine. Perhaps she could incorporate it into her morning schedule. Or even let it be the first thing she did in the morning. Yoga before anything else. To unwind her mind and make her feel calm for the rest of the day. Yes. That was a great idea.
When she had completed the ten minutes exercises, she laid on the yoga mat for a moment and felt fairly satisfied with herself. She had done a good job. Yoga for the first time in six months. That was a big deal. She felt tempted to keep going, but she had promised Doctor Anton that she would not overdo it. She was supposed to take it easy still, and ten minutes seemed like a good place to start. Her doctor would be proud of her.
She inhaled and filled her lungs with air. Held her breath for a moment, and then exhaled, drawing out the breath for as long as she could. Inhaled, filled her lungs with air, held her breath for a moment and then breathed out the air. That felt really good. Breathing exercises was not something she ever should underestimate.
She should get up from the yoga mat, but she was just so comfortable. She closed her eyes for a moment and only focused on her breathing. Her body was starting to feel heavy. Very heavy. She knew that her bed was right there and that she should be getting up from the floor if she intended to take a nap. But she was just so comfortable laying on the floor. So warm. Regina couldn't help herself. She rolled onto her side, pressed her cheek against the yoga mat and allowed herself to just drift off...
When she woke up again, she was still very much laying on the yoga mat. Her back was a bit stiff and she was certain that she had an imprint after the yoga mat on her cheek.
Regina winced a bit as she sat up and ran her fingers through her hair. It had been a bad idea to fall asleep on the yoga mat. But at least she had only been out for thirty minutes. Still plenty of time to shower and re-dress before she had to pick up Henry from school.
She rose from the yoga mat. Rolled it into a tube and tugged it back under her bed where it belonged. Then she grabbed a fresh set of clothes and headed down the hallway so she could go into the bathroom.
Her shower was over with fairly quickly. There were certain perks in having shorter hair. You spent less time in washing it. And less shampoo and conditioner. In many ways, it was easier to have short hair, she had to admit that. Even if she still was trying to get used to it.
She had chosen to wear slacks this time. Light cream colored slacks and a dove grey cable knitted sweater. She only applied a hint of mascara. She wasn't going out as such. She was just going to pick her son up from school.
Once she had tied a cream colored scarf around her neck, she proceeded to brush her hair. Looked at her face in the mirror as she did so. Was it merely her imagination, or did she look... better? Were the pink cheeks because of the shower, or was it in fact because of the yoga?
Regina chose to believe that it was the yoga that had caused her cheeks to glow slightly.
She fluffed up her already drying hair one more time and then she left the bathroom. She wanted to go downstairs and take a peek in the fridge. Not because she was overly hungry, but because she had plans about making dinner tonight. It had been ages since she last made dinner, and she was a fairly decent chef if she said so herself. It had been a long time since she made dinner because she wanted to and not because she HAD to. Killian had preferred a homecooked meal every night, and she had found it easier to simply do it instead of protesting.
Protesting had rarely ended well for her.
Her stomach instinctively lurched slightly when she started to walk down the staircase, and she took a deep breath. Reminded herself that this was not the same staircase as the one she had ran up the night Killian chased her. This was JUST a staircase. Nothing more. She refused to be afraid of a stupid staircase. She refused to let this become another thing that triggered her. She already had plenty of things that triggered her. She did not need another.
She firmly grabbed onto the railing as though she was trying to take control of the staircase as she walked downstairs.
Of course she made it safely downstairs (she had not expected anything else!) and she immediately went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. They had Italian sausage and onion and ground beef and noodles. But they needed garlic, crushed tomatoes, tomato paste, basil leaves, fennel seeds, ricotta cheese, mozzarella, parmesan, and eggs.
Well. That could easily be rectified. Regina settled down by the table with a pencil and paper. She frowned lightly in concentration as she carefully wrote down everything she needed in order to make the lasagna.
"Oh, hey there."
Regina turned her head and smiled when she spotted Zelena standing in the doorway.
"Did you get some yoga done?" her older sister asked lightly. "Or did you take a well-deserved nap instead?"
Regina let go of the pen to sign. 'Both'.
Zelena frowned. "Both?"
Regina smiled again as she elaborated: 'I fell asleep on the mat afterwards.'
"Oh," Zelena chuckled now. "Well, that's one way to relax after a yoga session. Was it... very hard for you?"
Regina absentmindedly shook her head and went back to her list. She was so busy scribbling down she barely noticed that Zelena had sat down next to her until she lifted her head from the list and spotted her older sister sitting at the table.
"Can I see?" Zelena asked, nodding towards the paper Regina had just written on.
Regina nodded and slipped the paper to Zelena.
"Garlic, crushed tomatoes, tomato paste, basil leaves, fennel seeds, ricotta cheese, mozzarella, parmesan and eggs," Zelena read aloud and looked at Regina with sparkling eyes. "If I didn't know any better, sis, I would say that you are planning on making lasagna?"
Regina nodded eagerly. That was exactly what she was planning on. How clever Zelena was. And how relieved Regina was that she didn't have to try and sign 'lasagna'. Because she had absolutely no idea how to do that.
"That sounds wonderful," Zelena beamed. "And you're absolutely sure you feel like cooking?"
Regina nodded again. Yes, she very much felt like cooking. For the first time in ages.
Zelena smiled, but then the smile faded, and she frowned. "Oh, damn!" she muttered.
Regina tilted her head at the profanity. Why was that necessary. She was not THAT bad of a cook. Was she? Could she even remember how to cook? Oh god, what if she couldn't? What if she had forgotten how to cook while in the hospital? What if the dinner would end in utter disaster?
"I just remembered that I'm supposed to go to Chad's place for dinner tonight," Zelena said and her mouth twisted. "You're invited too, obviously, and so is Henry, but if you wanna cook I can tell him that we're having dinner here instead?"
Regina shook her head. Not that she did not want Chad to come tonight, of course she did. He was a great guy, but it had been a long time since Zelena was at Chad's place, hadn't it? Regina searched her brain and figured that yes, it had been a long time since her sister had any time with her boyfriend. And that was not right. She let her fingers wiggle in the air. 'You should have dinner with him at his place.'
"He won't mind having dinner here instead," Zelena said swiftly. "You know that."
Yes, she did know that. But it wasn't what she was trying to say here. 'You should have dinner with him alone.'
Now Zelena was really frowning. She reached for Regina's hand. "Regina, I am not missing out on anything if I stay here with you. In fact that's what I want to do the most. Hang out with my sister."
Regina lightly patted her hand and then wiggled her other one out of Zelena's grasp so she could use it to communicate: 'I know, but I think you should have dinner with him at his place. Henry and I can have dinner here alone. Mother and son dinner. It has been a long time since we did that.'
"You're right, it has," Zelena said, mouth twisting slightly again as she carefully searched Regina's face. "If you're really sure..."
Regina nodded eagerly in confirmation. She was sure. She and Henry needed their mother-son-dinner back. Just the two of them for once. It would be nice. Like in the good old days before everything changed.
"Alright," Zelena said. She didn't look entirely happy about leaving Regina alone, but she did not protest. "That's what we'll do, then. But if you change your mind or need anything, I'm only a text away. You know that."
Regina smiled at her sister. She did know that. And she really appreciated all the things Zelena did for her. But she was also looking forward to it just being her and Henry tonight.
Henry. She had to get a move on if she wanted to arrive at his school on time. She had noticed that he grew uneasy if she was a bit late to show up, and she strived to be there early so he didn't have to wait for her to arrive. She didn't want to cause him more anxiety. He'd had plenty of that in his life already.
She stood from the chair, grabbed her list and quickly signed to Zelena that she would be leaving now. Zelena requested her to drive safely, and into the hallway Regina went to put on her coat and shoes. Then she took off in the Mercedes...
Henry was one big grin when he came trotting over to the Mercedes after having waved goodbye to Nick. "Hi, mom!" he said as he climbed onto the passenger's seat and stuffed his backpack away on the floor. Then he leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He always did so when she dropped him off and when she picked him up again.
Regina ruffled his hair and asked him in Sign Language if he'd had a good day in school. She was pretty sure she messed up some of the signs, but Henry still understood her and said: "yep. It was fine. Did you have a good day too?" there was a hint of concern in his voice, and Regina was happy to soothe his fears as she nodded and smiled to signalize that her day had been just fine.
"Was it... very bad at the doctor's?" he asked quietly. Because of course he had picked up on how uncomfortable she had been in the past week. How her face gradually had turned paler and paler the closer they got to the day where she was going to the doctor.
Of course Regina lied just a tiny bit as she shook her head. There was absolutely no reason to let him know how frightened and uncomfortable she had felt in Doctor Anton's consultation room.
"Good," Henry murmured and then his gaze fell on the grocery list in the glovebox. "What's that?" he asked as he picked it up and looked at it. Then he looked up at Regina and his voice radiated disbelief when he asked: "are we having lasagna? Are we... going grocery shopping?"
Why yes, they were! Feeling utterly proud, Regina nodded. In hindsight, it was probably silly to feel proud over something as 'basic' as going grocery shopping, but it was the little victories that counted. And when you hadn't been able to shop for groceries in months... Well, then it was something worth celebrating.
"Cool!" Henry beamed. "Can I go with you and help you?"
Regina's fingers wiggled as she signed a word she knew how to do. 'Absolutely.'
He grinned and the way he said 'lasagna' was positively dreamy.
'It will just be you and me for dinner tonight,' Regina signed. 'Zelena is having dinner at Chad's.'
"Really? Cool! Can we watch a movie afterwards?"
Regina gave his shoulders a squeeze. Of course they could watch a movie. It WAS Friday after all. But before she got carried away and gave him permission for everything, she had to act like a parent. 'Do you have any homework for Monday?'
"No, Mrs. Thompson was nice to us," Henry joked. "No homework."
Oh. 'Then we can watch a movie. You choose it.'
Henry positively beamed at her, and maybe just maybe, Regina was not failing as a mother. Perhaps she was doing a decent job...
Shopping for groceries was a bit daunting at first, she willingly admitted that. But Henry was wonderful. So sweet. He held the shopping list and trotted around between the shelves and helped her find all the things she needed. And he kept talking and talking, which could have been stressful, but it was not. Quite the reverse, it was reminding her to stay grounded and helped her focus on the task. Yes, Henry was a wonderful little helper.
"Here's the garlic, mom," he proudly announced as he dumped said item in the shopping cart. "We need mozzarella next. I'll go and find that while you find the tomato paste."
Regina nodded to confirm their agreement, and while he disappeared down the crowded hallways to find the mozzarella, she only needed to walk two shelves down to find the tomato paste. It had been a great decision to take Henry shopping with her instead of going alone. He was a wonderful 'buffer' between her and the other customers. When he was here, she had to stay focused on him. Meaning that her thoughts could not stray. She could not get the chance to become anxious about the many people in the store.
Perhaps she would bring Henry with her to the store every time from now on.
She was certain that he would not mind that one bit. He had always been a fan of grocery stores. Ever since he was a tiny toddler who could sit in a shopping cart.
Finding the tomato paste was a job that was easily dealt with, and while she was waiting for Henry to come back with the mozzarella, Regina found her phone in her pocket and snapped a quick picture of the filled shopping cart. She sent the picture to Zelena with the comment: 'Easy when you have a little helper with you.'
Zelena answered almost immediately and showered Regina in praise, and even though she had not climbed a mountain, but merely grocery shopped, Regina still felt proud and happy. This was progress. However small and ridiculous it seemed, it WAS. And that was worth celebrating. She was like a newborn baby who had to learn to move around in the world. Get used to loud sounds and people. The hospital had been her world for six months. Small and confined and safe. Being out and about in the real world was absolutely terrifying for someone who was not used to it. Who was not used to live.
It was hard, learning to live again when she was this changed. When she was this damaged.
But she was doing her best. Because she had to.
"Here's the tomato paste, mom!" Henry announced and startled her slightly when he came back. "What's next? Fennel seeds?"
Regina nodded in confirmation and took his little hand in hers so they could find the fennel seeds together. This was surprisingly nice. Better than she had expected. Right now, Regina could pretend that she was just an ordinary mother doing some grocery shopping with her son. And if you only settled for looking at her, she WAS. You could not tell what had happened to her if you only looked at her and didn't strike up a conversation.
Henry was striking up a conversation with her all the time. But that was different. He was more than welcome to keep talking to her. As much as he wanted. He knew that she could not answer her. And he did not mind. He had said so a million times already. The most important thing was that she was still here. That she was alive. It wasn't as important whether she could talk or not. As long as she never disappeared again. That was what he so solemnly had said to her in the hospital when it became evident that her voice would not come back, and Regina had cried. So had he. And then he had connected his fingertip with hers in an 'ET fashion' because he knew that hugs made her feel uncomfortable.
"Fennel seeds!" Henry announced and pulled her out of her thoughts. "Do we need anything else, mom?"
Regina shook her head. That was it. They had found everything on the list.
"Popcorn?" Henry asked hopefully and looked up at Regina with big brown eyes she couldn't possibly resist.
She easily gave in to his charms and nodded. Popcorn it was. They were gonna have a proper mother-son-movie-night with popcorn and everything. And it was going to be very nice.
Hand in hand, they walked over to the shelf full of snacks and junk food. Henry insisted upon grabbing the bag of popcorn, and Regina smiled when noticing that he had to stand on his tippy toes in order to be tall enough to reach the shelf. He was still her little boy. Thank god. It had looked like he had grown several inches taller when she reunited with him in Vancouver, but she was relieved to discover that it merely had been her mind playing tricks with her. He was exactly the same height as he had been when she left him in Toronto. Good. Let him stay a child for as long as he possibly could. Sometimes he got this look in his eyes that was far too mature for a boy who only recently had turned ten. He had already been through far too much.
"I got them," he said triumphantly and waved the bag of popcorn.
Regina smiled at him as she signed: 'good job'. Then she remembered that she was in public and she had to glance around discreetly to see if anyone had noticed her using Sign Language.
Nobody was looking at her, though. And even if they did, they probably would just assume that she was deaf.
Something unpleasant made her stomach twist, and she automatically adjusted her scarf slightly as she and Henry headed up to the counter to pay...
The lasagna was in the oven. Henry had sat the table and had headed upstairs to read for a moment before dinner. Regina had helped him with homework earlier when she just had popped the lasagna in the oven, and now she was waiting for it to be done. She felt fairly accomplished. And fairly normal too. She had done everything every normal mom did. Made a nice, homecooked dinner and helped her son with his homework. He was struggling a bit with math, and yes, it had been a bit difficult to help him when she couldn't speak, but they had made it work.
Regina was very satisfied with how her first night alone with her son was progressing. The lasagna smelled wonderful. Her previous concerns about not being able to 'remember' how to cook had proved to be in vain. Of course it had. Sometimes she was doubting herself a little too much.
Regina settled down at the table and found her phone in the pocket of her apron. She had not been very good at texting the previous week or this one. She had been entirely too nervous about the upcoming visit to the doctor. But now she wanted to rectify that. And she was going to do that by texting Emma Swan. Her new friend. 'How was your day?'. That was a normal friendship-thing to ask, was it not? Hopefully, Emma wouldn't be too offended that she had been so bad at texting this week.
Her phone vibrated against the table, and Regina smiled. That was quick. She checked the message. 'my workday was fine, Malena gave me a manuscript to proofread, so that's really great.'
Oh, that was great news! Malena was giving Emma more work and including her. That was good. Regina was certain that this job was right up Emma's street, and she was glad that Malena could see the potential in her. 'That's wonderful news. I'm very happy to hear that you're getting the chance to do something you really want.'
Scratch-scratch-scratch, against the table. Emma Swan was a quick texter. 'Yeah, I've just got home. What about you? What are you doing tonight?'
'Henry and I are about to have dinner, but apart from that, I don't think we have many plans,' Regina texted and sent the message. Actually, they were having plans. Plans that involved a large bowl of popcorn and Anastasia. But perhaps Emma Swan wouldn't find that all that interesting.
'Do you have any plans for next Saturday? I was wondering if you'd like to have coffee with me again?'
Oh. That was unexpected. Regina was surprised. But very happy about the invitation too. Her fingernails tapped slightly against the screen as she texted: 'coffee sounds good.' She sent it and hoped that she did not sound too bored with the suggestion. She wasn't. She really, truly wasn't. She just didn't want to seem too overly eager either. Nor did she want Emma Swan to know that she was the first friend she had gained in years.
'Awesome! I'll look forward to that.'
So would Regina. She really would. She let it be with that and rose from the chair. It was time to take the lasagna out of the oven.
When that was done, she slipped off the oven-mittens and sent two messages. One for Henry, alerting him that dinner was ready. And one for Zelena. A picture of the lasagna with the text: mission accomplished.
It did not take long before Zelena sent a picture in return. Of herself smiling widely while giving her a huge thumbs up.
And Regina felt like she had deserved that thumbs up. The first mother-son-dinner-post-hospital shaped up to be very good.
A second later, Henry came barreling downstairs and sniffed in. "Wow, that smells good, mom!" he said appreciatingly.
Regina beamed at him. It was sweet of him to compliment the meal she had made for him. He was such a considerate little boy, and she was very proud to be his mother. She gestured him to bring his plate over to the kitchen island so she could cut him a piece of lasagna, and she felt ridiculously normal as she landed a huge slice of lasagna on his plate.
"Awesome," he grinned.
Regina's chest made that odd rumbling sound as she let her amusement show. She ignored the slight throbbing in her throat and concentrated on being amused. Awesome. First Emma Swan and now her son. What was it about that word that fitted this night so nicely?
Lasagna and then popcorn and Anastasia with her son. It could not get any better than that. That was what she would focus on. How nice everything was. How she for once felt good and was something similar to happy and could be amused with her son.
For tonight, nothing else mattered.
For tonight, nothing else existed.
Not even her heartache...
To Be Continued...