So, here we go again! ... And I'm afraid we're still going down... (Sorry...)
- That means I'm barren… whispered Anna, hardly holding her tears back.
Dr Clarkson looked at Anna with a compassionate smile:
- Barren might be a harsh word for it, and we doctors will never say never, but yes, I believe it is very likely that you will have great difficulties being pregnant again. And should you be pregnant, there would be a very small chance of the pregnancy going on to its term.
- But isn't there something to be done about it? asked Bates hopefully. Some kind of treatment to reverse this?
- I'm afraid not Mr Bates. I'm sorry. You can always meet with a gynecologist to ask for a second opinion. If you wish, I can refer you to some very competent specialists.
- That won't be necessary Doctor, answered Anna, stone-faced.
There was no way she could tell her shameful story to another doctor.
- We've taken enough of your time already. Thank you so much. Goodbye.
She nodded to him, and started walking to the door. She got out without looking back. John made to follow her, alarmed, realizing they had not even discussed her going back to work as they had planned.
- I'm sorry Doctor, I… he started.
- Go Mr Bates. She needs you, said Dr Clarkson.
- Thank you, nodded Bates. Goodbye.
Dr Clarkson stood silent for a while behind his desk. He was sorry that Mrs Bates was made to pay the high price for the bad choice she had made out of desperation. He thought that a fair number of couples would break under those dire circumstances, and he hoped it wouldn't be the case for them. He liked them.
x x x x
The whole walk back to the cottage was spent in a heavy silence. Tears kept streaming down Anna's cheeks, that she didn't even bother to brush away. John had tried to take hold of her hand, but she had taken it away. They had stopped at the pharmacist to buy the sedative Dr Clarkson had prescribed. John had gone in while Anna stood outside, being unable to talk to anyone.
When they got home, Anna walked straight upstairs and closed herself in the bedroom. So there it was, she thought. She was totally worthless now. Not only was she stained forever, but now she was depriving John of the family he deserved, and wished for so dearly. Thoughts of disappearing assaulted her again. Anything to get away from all this pain. She held in her hand the sedative bottle. She wondered how long she would sleep, or even if she could die, if she drank it whole in one shot. The doctor had said five drops in some water before going to bed. Even if it was not time to go to bed, she counted ten drops and swallowed them. She so desperately needed to take a break from the suffering.
Downstairs, John stayed alone. He didn't follow her upstairs, but crumbled on the sofa and put his head in his hands. Sobs escaped his lips. As much as he tried to stay strong for Anna, the doctor's announcement was a hard blow to him too. Having a family with Anna was his dearest wish, and he had hoped for it for so many years. He didn't feel mad at her, because she had been through some pain that he, as a man, could only imagine, but once more, he felt anger and loathing for the man responsible for shattering their whole future. And once again, he thanked fate, as he didn't believe in God, for having killed him before he could do it himself. He stayed silent and shocked for a long while, and when he came back to reality, daylight had started to fade. He lit up the lamps and started to look for something to cook for dinner. He didn't feel hungry at all, but Anna needed to eat. She was still weak and missing several pounds. He went upstairs to tell her dinner was ready. He lightly knocked on the door, and when there was no answer, entered. He came around the bed to Anna's side, where she seemed to sleep. He gently rubbed her arm, softly calling to her:
- Anna? Darling, you should come eat something.
But she didn't react. He then saw the open sedative flacon, and his heart skipped a beat. He was reassured when he lifted it to his eyes and saw that only a very little part was missing. Well, he thought, she needed the sleep at least as much as the food, so he decided to let her sleep. He went back to the kitchen, forced himself to eat a little and put everything away, before settling on the sofa and trying to read. But he found that his dark thoughts did not allow him to focus on his novel, so he went upstairs and lay beside Anna. He wished he could take some drops for a dreamless sleep too.
x x x x
When Anna woke up a few hours later, it was the middle of the night, and John was softly snoring beside her. The drops had let her have a stone-heavy sleep, undisturbed by any nightmare. She felt her thoughts were much clearer now. She knew what she had to do. She was of no use to anyone now, and especially not to John. She silently got up, went down the stairs, being careful to avoid the creaky stair, put her shoes on and her coat on top of her nightgown, and walked out of the cottage.
Outside, the full moon was casting an eerie light over the Yorkshire late summer landscape. She walked fast and decidedly, holding the sedative flacon in her closed fist. After a short walk, she arrived to her goal, the pontoon walking over Downton's small lake. She walked to the end of it, and fell to her knees, at the exact same place where Mrs Hughes had made John throw out his limp corrector so many years before. There, she howled to the moon her pain and desperation. Every day she thought she had no more tears to shed, yet every day brought new ones. She felt doomed. Did this so-called "merciful" God really intend her to have accepted with good grace to bear that child she didn't want, forced upon her by a man she despised? Should there be no other way for a woman in her situation, but to endure this kind of suffering, or else risk her life and her future? How was this fair, she thought as she sobbed in her knees, still holding the flacon tightly in her hand. She straightened a bit, and looked at it. If she swallowed it whole, and let herself fall into the water, there would be no more pain. John would be a widower, he'd find another wife, one who would give him what he deserved. He could still be happy, without her.
In the cottage, John woke up in a startle, a strange feeling on emptiness creeping upon him. He turned around, and saw that Anna's side of the bed was empty. He noticed right away that the sedative bottle was missing too. Dread fell upon him. He got up quickly and called out as he went downstairs:
- Anna! Anna!
He searched the house until he noticed the front door left ajar. Oh Lord, how would he find her? Did she intend to do something radical? Fear was creeping into his soul. He wondered if he should go searching for her, or go to the Abbey and wake the others up to help him. But it was three o'clock in the morning, the back door would be locked… He started walking through the estate, holding back his tears, hoping she hadn't gone too far. He called out her name at regular intervals, only to be answered by silence. Then an intuition struck him. The pond. He started walking as fast as he could in its direction. When he came in sight, the bright moonlight let him distinguish a crumbled human form on the wooden pontoon. Relief flooded him as he called louder:
- Anna!
She had uncorked the sedative flacon and was preparing to drink it when she heard his voice in the distance:
- Anna!
The sound froze her and stopped her in her deadly tracks. She felt the impacts of his hurried steps on the wooden structure, and soon he was at her side.
- Anna… My darling, for heaven's sake, what are you doing here?!
She turned to look at him, and her tears-washed face, bathed in the moonlight looked like a desperate angel's to him. He noticed her fist closed around the small bottle. His first move was to take her hand, gently force her fingers open and take it away from her. He then took out a handkerchief and wiped the tears off her cheeks, but to no avail as they were right away replace by fresh ones.
- John… she said in a shaky voice. I'm so sorry. I've let you down. I'm spoiled and useless. I cannot be a wife to you any more, and I cannot give you the family you deserve. You should let me go. I won't fight you. I'll go away, and you'll find someone else, someone who can give all this to you.
John looked at her in disbelief. He took both her hands and looked deep into her eyes.
- Anna May Bates. (He insisted on her married name). You are my wife, and I have absolutely no intention of changing that. You've not let me down. There are no words less true than those. I didn't marry you for the children you might give me, although, yes, I would have loved it. I married you because I love you more than my own life, and I certainly don't want to build a family with anyone else! Look up Anna, he told her as he lifted her chin until she looked him back in the eyes. You are the apple of my eyes, and as I have told you already, I will love you however, whatever, whenever. We will find our way Anna. I promise you, we will.
She crumbled into his arms, sobbing her heart out, and repeating:
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- I know, he answered softly, as he rocked her gently while stroking her hair.
After a few minutes of silently shared tears, he got up and lifted her up.
- Now come on. Let's go back home, he whispered, leading her away, an arm around her shoulders.
x x x x
When they were back home, John made Anna sit in the sofa. He noticed that she was shaking harshly.
- Rest here, I'll make some tea, he said, gently squeezing her shoulders.
She didn't respond. She seemed utterly exhausted, and out of any willpower. A few minutes passed, and he brought her cup of tea, bitterly thinking that having tea in the dead of night was becoming a habit lately. He sat near her and said softly:
- Please, Anna, don't do this again. I thought I had lost you, and to be honest, I have thought this enough times recently. I need you, and I love you. I wish you would stop thinking such horrible things about yourself, because they are not true. You are worth everything to me. You are my whole world, my whole life.
She turned to him and answered with a sad smile:
- Thank you John. You are my world too.
He took her hand and asked gently:
- Might I kiss you?
Her smile widened a little bit, and she nodded. He cupped her cheek, and very slowly brought his lips to hers, trying to convey to her all she represented to him. The warmth of John's lips softly brushing on hers lit a little flame of living will into her. She rested her head on his shoulder and stayed there for a long while. At last, John whispered:
- We should go back to bed.
She quietly nodded. He took the sedative out of his pocket, and showed it to her:
- What are we to do with this? Can I trust you to use it wisely, or should I keep it stored safely?
She thought over his question for a while, and answered:
- Yes maybe it would be best if you kept it for a while. You can give me the drops at night.
- Alright.
She started going to the bedroom, while he went to the kitchen and stored the flacon in a box at the back of the highest shelf he could find. When he went upstairs, she was already in bed, facing his side. He crept into the bed and she came to snuggle into his embrace. She rested her head on his chest, and he kissed the top of her head, gently stroking her cheek. He whispered into her ear:
- She is the sunshine of my eyes, to live but her I cannot. Had I on Earth but wishes three, the first should be my Anna.
A discreet smile passed upon her lips for a split-second, then she took a deep sigh and closed her eyes.