TRIGGER WARNING- mentions/acts of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and talk of child death. You are not required to read this chapter if you don't want to. This just goes a little more into detail of Nik's dealing with her son's passing*
Bucky woke up to giggles. He pat the bed next to him but the sheets were cold. He cracked open an eye but it only confirmed that Nik really wasn't there. There was another giggle. He lifted his head just enough to look towards the foot of the bed to see a tiny head of brown hair peeking over the top.
"Shh Emi. He'll hear you!" He heard Tanner
"He's awake!" Emi popped up in all of her youthful exuberance. Tanner stood just a little slower but also smiling. "Daddy!"
"Hey guys." Bucky sat up. He ran his fingers through his short hair. He still wasn't used to it being this short again. "Where's your mom?"
"She's in the kitchen!" Emi stated excitedly.
"What's she doing in the kitchen?"
"Making bacon!!!" Emi shouted. Bucky lifted an eyebrow before throwing the little girl over his shoulder and then ruffling Tanner's hair.
"Well let's go steal some bacon!"
"Yes!" Tanner threw his fists into the air. Nik would never let him steal bacon! They only got away with it when Bucky was there because he would control just how much they stole. They walked into the kitchen and he saw Nik standing at the stove, flipping bacon with one hand and adding cheese to the scrambled eggs with the other. He loved to watch her cook. Loved to watch her do anything really. It was like a dance! He put Emi down at the bar and then stood behind his beautiful wife. 6 years ago, if you had told him that he'd meet the love of his life and have 4 children he would have thought you were crazy. But here he was! He put his hands on her hips and kissed the back of her neck. Her long hair was pulled up into a messy bun and the way his shirt hung on her was easily sexier than anything else in the world.
"Good morning beautiful." She leaned back into him.
"Morning. Breakfast is almost ready."
"Are you okay? You don't sound like your usual happy morning self." She turned around and gave him a small smile and a shrug of the shoulder.
"I'm okay. Just tired."
"Why don't you go back to bed?" She nodded before finishing up the food on the stove. She served the kids and, while she was pouring their juice, I filled our plates. She barely touched her food before pushing it away and leaving the kitchen.
"Is mom okay?" Tanner asked me as he washed off his dishes.
"I think so. She said she was just tired. Maybe she's getting sick? Did she say anything to you guys?" I got up to look at the calendar just to make sure I didn't miss an important date or something. I have been known to do that every once in a while, but she likes to fill out the calendar with all the important stuff! The only thing there was a time. "What's this?" I asked Tanner. He came over to look at it.
"I have no idea. But it's in mom's color pen." It was true! My pen was black. Nik's was red. Tanner's was green. Emi's was purple. And the twin's was pink and blue. I'll have to ask her later. But whatever it is is at 3:30 today. I found her later in a bubble bath. She only took a bubble bath when she was upset.
"Hey, you okay?" She gave me a small smile.
"I'm fine."
"Are you sure? You don't seem fine." She just shrugged.
"I'm fine Bucky."
"What's going on at 3:30?" She looked up at me.
"I just have an appointment."
"Are you sick?"
"No. I'm fine."
"Nik, you don't seem fine. Tell me what's wrong!" She groaned before standing up and wrapping a towel around her. She unplugged the tub with her toe before stepping out.
"Bucky, I said I'm fine. Please drop it!"
"I just want to know what's going on with you today! You don't seem fine and you have some mystery appointment you won't tell me about!" I was starting to get frustrated. We don't keep things from each other!
"Don't worry about it! Please!" She threw on some clothes before walking out of the apartment with her shoes in her hand.
*Nik*
I was working so hard to keep myself together today. Normally when I tell Bucky that I'm fine he drops it. He doesn't keep pushing usually. I just wanted today to be over! My appointment at 3:30 is at a bereavement meeting. They had asked me to talk about the last few years coping with losing my son. I had originally turned them down but they asked again and I finally agreed after thinking about it a little. I understood the need for people to hear from others how they managed to get through the loss of a loved one. Not many spoke on losing a child though. Most speakers were orphans or widows or widowers. Come to think of it, there isn't a name for a person who's lost a child! And no one ever wants to hear about it. I had someone tell me that I wasn't a mother of 2 boys because one of my boys was gone. I was also told that I shouldn't talk about him because telling people that he was gone would hurt that person! What about me? What about the pain I feel?
I walked to the truck, fingering the scars on my left arm. 12. 12 scars along my forearm. Some of them were covered up with my tattoo. Some of the scars were larger from having pressed the blade a little too hard into my arm. Some were short and barely there anymore. Some were long. The pain I caused myself was better than the nothing I felt. It would also give me a different pain to focus on. Watching the blood dribble down my arm was also fascinating to watch. It didn't take long for the blood to coagulate on the smaller cuts. The larger cuts, however, left a small pool at my feet. I learned a long time ago how to clean up the mess I made. My mom told me she was going to have me institutionalized, thinking I was suicidal. While the thoughts of ending the pain I was in did seem appealing some days, I knew I could never do that to Tanner. I could never leave him like is father did. I'm glad I made it through the hardest days with only a new scar.
Before I knew it, the meeting was over. I managed to get through my talk and the questions I was asked. A lot of the questions were personal.
'How did you feel when you held your son for the last time?'
'How long did you hold him after?'
'How did you prepare yourself for the loss?'
'Did you have the funeral arrangements prepared before or did you do it after?'
'Did you know about is heart defect before he was born?'
'If you did know, would you have aborted him?'
I don't remember the drive, honestly. I don't remember coming into the apartment. Where did this blade come from? Oh my God! I just gave myself 3 new cuts without realizing what I was doing! I grab a towel to try to clean up a little bit of my mess and that was when the bathroom door got kicked open. Had I locked it? Bucky stood there, covered in sweat. I guess he'd been at the gym.
"WHAT THE FUCK? NIK! WHAT DID YOU DO?" He ran over and took the towel from me to look at my arm. "WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?" I couldn't answer him. I had no answers to give! He shook me by the shoulders. Did I take too long to say something? "ANSWER ME DAMN IT! WHY DID YOU DO THIS?"
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
"SORRY?! YOU'RE SORRY? THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID OR SOMETHING?"
"I'm not stupid!"
"Then why the hell would you do this Nik? Why would you cut yourself again? You promised you wouldn't!"
"I promised I would try not to. I don't remember doing this!"
"You don't remember? You just did it! FRIDAY announced to the entire gym what you were doing in here!"
"I DON'T REMEMBER COMING HOME AND I DON'T REMEMBER DOING THIS! I swear!"
"You're so fucking stupid Nik!"
"I'm stupid? Why? Because I cut myself again? I'm stupid for not remembering doing it? I'm stupid for what exactly?" I finally managed to pull out of his grasp. "My appointment today was with a bereavement group where I had to give a speech about what it felt like losing a child. I'm sorry that this is what I did when I got back. But I can't always control what I do when I fall so deep into darkness that I don't even remember a 45-minute drive home or the walk up to the room! I don't even know where I got that blade!" I wrapped a small hand towel around my arm and walked out of the room. I found Natalia in the living room waiting for me with a first aid kit. She didn't say anything or give me a judging look. She just took my left arm and wrapped it.
"Are you good now?" She asked softly, looking me right in the eye.
"I don't know." I whispered. She just nodded her head before turning to put everything away.
"And that's ok too. Do you want to stay here or go somewhere else?"
"I'm just going to go up to the roof for now."
"Do you want company?
"No. I'll be fine." With one last nod from her, I left the apartment and went to the roof. I needed space from Bucky. He didn't understand what I was going through right now. I feel horrible having just spaced out and waking up to finding out I cut myself again. It had been years since I did that! About an hour later, I heard the door open and saw Bucky standing there. "What?" I asked, turning back to the scene in front of me.
"I just wanted to check on you."
"Don't worry. I'm not fucking stupid enough to jump. Just cut myself."
"I didn't…"
"Don't. Don't tell me you didn't mean it. I don't want to hear it. You don't have to deal with the new scars Bucky. I do. I have to find a way to tell Tanner what I did when he sees them."
"Nik."
"Please. Please Bucky just leave me the fuck alone!" I didn't hear anything for a second. I almost turned around when I finally heard the door shut. I sighed. We hardly fought. We always talked things out! But he had never said I was stupid before. Or yelled at me. I swiped at my face to get rid of the tears. The wrap on my arm was already stained red in a couple spots. I guess I cut a little deeper than I thought it did. They didn't look like they'd need stitches though. I know I'm going to forgive Bucky. We both will talk it out later and say sorry for the things we need to. I'm so madly in love with him. I could never stay mad for long. I need him like I need air to breath! I guess this is true love!