When Lauren came back from a trip to her parents, we ordered take out and did four loads of laundry back to back. It wasn't particularly fun but still better than doing it by ourselves. "So. Are you going to tell me about it?" I sighed, then nodded. "Yeah. Okay. It happened." Lauren did a slow clap that made me grin while I folded some towels. "Details?" "Uhm... it was really nice. He... knows what he is doing and uhm... he took care of me?" "Good boy." "I think we maybe shouldn't have rushed it..." "God, don't you think you waited long enough?" "No, I mean. We rushed it a little but that is probably because we were both a bit nervous. Thinking about it now I should have... used my brain a bit more." "Whaa?" "Don't yell at me, okay? I basically told him he doesn't need a condom because I am on the pill." Lauren rolled her eyes, as expected. "I know. It was dumb. I got tested a few weeks back, but I actually wasn't thinking about it at all at that point. When I finally thought of it later and talked to him about it he said he hadn't been intimate with anyone in a while..." "That doesn't mean shit, Ollie. First, these things don't just go away. And second, he could be lying." I nodded. I did trust Namjoon, but I shouldn't have. "I'm going to get tested again and..." "Next time..." "Next time I will talk to him about it beforehand." "Good." She took a sip of beer, before emptying another laundry bin on the table in front of us. " Look at us talking about guys while doing laundry. We have become such good housewives." I threw a sock at her. "And Jin?" "What do you want to know?" "I am not sure exactly, I am bit scared to ask actually." But I was curious. "That guy... is crazy." "Well, we knew that." "No, I mean in bed." I pressed my lips together, before taking a deep breath. "Good crazy?" "Yes! Very Good. But that is about it. Don't get me wrong, next time they are here he better call me, but I won't pine over him until then..." I nodded and after a moment of silence, she patted my head. She must have seen that I was a bit sad because that was exactly what I was scared of. "So, the birthday trip..." "Oh, you heard about that?" "Probably before you. But see, that is the difference. Jin can rock my world aka my bed for a night or two. But that is it. You like Namjoon. And he likes you. And it's not the easiest situation, but at least you know he is invested as well, right? That is not a given when you can hardly see someone. He is at least confident enough to speak his mind and considerate enough to ask how you are feeling." I swallowed and nodded, that was true. "But the thing is... Look, I am really happy when I am with him, I am not worried about that at all. And I know he likes me, but that actually doesn't change anything. I just don't know how I can go forward with this... without becoming hardened. Or being a clingy mess all the time. Not if it turns out to be something more serious. I feel too god damn old for the whole long-distance - staying up until the middle of the night because of time difference - feeling like shit every time the other person leaves again - thing. Remember that guy Josh I was dating in my Freshman year? Remember when he went to LA for four months? I almost lost my mind! I annoyed you so much. I don't want to turn into that girl again. And that doesn't even consider how this could affect his career. Or mine for that matter. I don't know if I want to sacrifice all that. And I don't even want to think about asking him the same." Lauren listened. She could be savage, she could be loud, but she usually was a good listener when I needed it. There was no well-meant but not helpful advice, just listening and then a hug. And then some more laundry folding.
Over the following weeks, I put so much pressure on myself to not be who I described to Lauren that I basically was constantly pissed about myself. Whenever I thought about Namjoon, especially at work, I got mad, even though it should have been okay. Good god, people who liked each other thought of each other, what was my problem? I did a mini-doc on tour life and travelled with an Indie band from Seattle for most of their tour stops on the East Coast. It was fun and exhausting, but I felt like I learned a lot and made some new friends. When people saw me with them, nobody said anything. There were no memes, no talk show hosts inviting me because of it and we could eat wherever the hell we wanted. When the drummer hit on me at some point I felt bad, even though - on paper - I was still single, but even though I made clear immediately that I wasn't interested and he accepted that without being an asshole, I couldn't help myself, comparing how much easier this relationship would have been.
Live music was my saviour. It had always been. As a teenager, in college, it had always been what lifted my spirit, gave me motivation and made me want to do better. After two weeks of touring my body was a wreck, but my soul felt healed and sometimes I couldn't help but stay up late on the tour bus, typing away, planning projects, reaching out to people, feeling more like myself again. Namjoon and I didn't talk every day anymore, we had both realized that it was sometimes more hurtful than we had first realized. But when we talked it was all the nicer. He made time for me in the mornings, when I was lying in a bunk bed on the bus, whispering into my phone to not wake the others up, seeing endless fields fly past me outside of the window.
Our birthdays came and went and scheduling our little getaway turned out to be more complicated than expected. Fall hit me hard, it felt as if summer ended within a day and it was suddenly dark outside, rain and even a day of snow in late September. But then October came and for a while, the weather was as it usually was described in novels. Colourful leaves and moderate temperatures. It still was like that when I got on a plane to Asheville.
Namjoon had gotten all excited when he told me that he had "finally found the house". As if what we had imagined had been real the whole time and just needed to be found. He had given me the address with instructions because apparently, getting there wasn't as easy as telling a cab driver where to go. When I arrived at the airport I was going to look for an Uber, but to my surprise a driver was waiting for me in the small airport lobby, holding up a sign with my name on it. He looked familiar, definitely Korean and I wondered for a second whether that was a coincidence, before I realized that he had been with us in London at the airport. He was professional, but couldn't help himself to smile sometimes when he thought I wasn't looking. The car he was driving was so nice and smelt new, I was worried to spill my coffee when we drove out of the city centre and eventually when we moved towards the forest and the roads got bumpy. "If Miss gets dizzy let me know, we will take a break. Mister Kim Namjoon's plane has been delayed and he won't arrive until tonight." I almost laughed, the way he talked was like something out of Fifty Shades, the whole scenario was as well. But it was just his attempt at being polite in a foreign language and I told him not to worry about me.
We drove for a good hour, I had tried to keep myself from checking where the address was exactly, but at some point, I realized that I hadn't seen another house for 30 minutes and there were hardly any cars on the streets we used to make our windy path through the mountains. The scenery was mindblowing, I asked myself how I had never been here and how it took a Korean guy for me to see it. Finally, the car slowed down and took a private road off the main one, we parked in front of a little bridge that led to something I would have described as a treehouse if it hadn't been on stilts against the mountainside. Treehouse also didn't quite fit because it was a lot bigger than I had expected and I had the bad feeling Namjoon had spent a lot more than I had thought he would.
"Food is in fridge. I will stay in house down road." He handed me a card with his phone number on. "Mister Kim Namjoon said to leave you alone. But I scared of bears. Be careful. Bears dangerous." My eyes widened. Okay. I shouldn't have been surprised that there were bears and maybe the guy was just scared easily in general, but all of the sudden it felt weird to be dropped off in the middle of nowhere with that warning. He opened the door for me, insisted on carrying my luggage inside and then said his goodbye. As soon as I couldn't hear the car's engine anymore it was so incredibly quiet that it almost creeped me out until I took a few deep breathes and concentrated on looking around. The view. The. view! At first, I didn't spare a glance at the house, just walked towards the big window front that overlooked the valley beneath us. The forest was so thick, it seemed like there wasn't a single gap between the trees and there it was, a hammock at the corner of the deck. I smiled. "You actually found it!" I texted Namjoon, well aware that he wouldn't see the message for a few hours.
Quietly I walked around the house, looked into every corner. It tried to fool the eye through clever design that it was simple. But at the same time, it was somewhat luxurious. Laughing about myself I jumped on the bed for a while before unpacking some of my stuff. The fridge was stocked but the contents made me laugh again. There were some Western basics, but also a lot of things that had Hangul letters on it. I found some cake mix on the counter and wondered whether that was Namjoons understanding of baking something. I wondered where he had gotten that idea in the first place, from what I could gather he usually tried to stay as far away from any kitchen as possible. But I wouldn't dare to say anything, the thought alone of him freaking out with flower in his face was just too good. I showered, made some tea, opened the windows so I could hear the birds and realized that this was about the best birthday present I had ever gotten. Okay, so that new bike as a five-year-old was also pretty good. Still.
I had sat down on the couch reading while I waited. Time passed so slowly but I tried to keep myself from checking my phone every five minutes, hoped I could just turn it off altogether once he had arrived. It was so quiet that hearing the car long before I could see it from a window was easy. I hid behind the front door, heard Namjoon talk to the driver in fast Korean before he made his way to the door. I wanted to surprise him and jump on his back, but instead, I almost jumped the driver. Who looked terrified and I tried to apologize, while Namjoon almost choked from laughing. The guy left, repeatedly bowing, and I waited until the door was closed behind him before I fell into Namjoons hug. "Brilliant." he just commented and dropped his luggage, hugging and kissing me. "The poor guy is terrified of the woods. And now also me." "He is terrified of really everything but he is good at his job. Jimin and JK used to scare the shit out of him all the time before I told them off. He probably hates this. He is staying in a little hotel down the road and said the owner is super confused why a middle-aged Korean guy is staying there, but it was the only way I could convince BigHit to let me go...oh shit." I looked up, but Namjoons eyes were on the view and I started grinning. "You were right. I did find it. It's..." "...exactly what we wanted." He didn't let go of me, I turned around and together we waddled towards the window. "Happy birthday to me!" I said after a while and he just nodded, kissing my cheek. "Happy birthday to both of us I would say, man, this is so pretty." We stood there for a while before Namjoon got some texts, already asking if he had arrived. "Go, tell them their precious idol is save." "No, it's actually my mum." "Oh." "She... says hi." I opened my mouth a little. "You told here? Wow..." "No, but she guessed. She actually bombarded me with questions pretty much until the second I got on the plane." "So you are about ready for a nap?" "No, actually slept almost through the whole flight! It's so much easier when you are alone. And... Jungkook and Tae and... Jimin..." "basically everybody isn't keeping you awake..." "Yeah, basically everybody but Yoongi." I smirked. "Well. I can only speak for myself, but as much I like him, I am really not too upset he isn't here either." Namjoon grinned, leaned down and kissed me until my fingertips were tingling.
While we waited for dinner to cook, we exchanged presents. And then - maybe to no ones surprise - ended up in bed before dinner was done, almost forgetting to turn the stove off. Only wearing his shirt I got back in the kitchen around 11 PM, so hungry we shared an apple even though the food was almost ready. Namjoon was wearing only sweat pants and I didn't even hide the fact that I was staring at his arms. His arms, good god. When he realized he flexed on purpose and I bit my lip. "Damn. this going to be one long week." "I sure hope so," he said with a cheeky grin and then made us some drinks. I had never been a good cook but it was blatantly obvious that I at least had mastered the basics, compared to Namjoon who almost made me angry when he tried to chop some peppers. To the point where I took the knife from him and while shaking my head did it myself.
Afterwards, we basically fell into bed. Even though we both had slept on the plane it had been a long day. Once the light was off it was pitch black around us. I was so used to New York never being completely dark that it freaked me out a little... As if I needed an excuse to cuddle into Namjoons side. "You locked the doors, right?" "No one is here..." "I know, still..." He was quiet for a little while. "Shit, now I am scared as well. Let me go check." He got up and disappeared, not that I could see him. A few minutes later he came back. "All locked up. No bears kidnapping you at night." I giggled, then stopped when I heard him bump into something. When I turned the light on again I saw him kneel next to the bed, in pain, but laughing. He must have stomped his foot against the frame or something. "Namjoon, you really are the clumsiest person I know." "Yeahh..." he huffed on the floor and hopped on one leg over to his side of the bed, got under the covers next to me, still a bit of pain visible in his expression. "Kiss it better?" he asked and I pouted. "You want me to kiss your toes?" "Face would be enough." Smiling I leaned over him and covered him in little kisses. His cheeks, his nose, his forehead. "Better?" "A little..." "You have to be careful. I have no experience with being a first responder. We are so far away from civilization, please don't get hurt...I don't think kisses can mend broken bones." "I'll try." he said with a sigh, moving his arms around my waist and pulling me down again. We were quiet for a second before I turned off the light again.
"Hey. You are free." I whispered into his ear. He only hummed in response at first. "Yeah. Finally. Seven days. By the end of it, I will have annoyed you so much that you won't be able to get back to New York fast enough." I laughed. "Really? We'll see. I can be quiet annoying as well. I hate it when people leave their stuff around and mess in general." "Oh." "Figured this information might be interesting to you." "Now I feel like I should get up because I am pretty sure I left my shirt and my socks on the bathroom floor." "Kim Namjoon, Don't you dare get up again!"