A/N: Sorry for the delay. Writer's block. Thanks everyone for the comments.

"We lose people and then we find new ones. It's how it works." - Alex Karev

Alex had lots to think about after his conversation with Jackson. He was encouraged to try. He hoped Meredith would say yes. Yes to a date, yes to their relationship, yes to a future. They had both gone through so much over the years. He knew she was lonely. And hormonal. When he got home, the lights were all off, so he peeked in on Lexie and his gaze settled on Mer. He turned and headed quickly downstairs, so that he didn't climb in and pull her tight til he was spooning her and they were touching along their whole length, have his hands roam over her body, place a kiss behind her ear, and whisper he loved her. But he couldn't do that yet. Right now he needed a cold shower or his own bed where he could relieve himself. He hadn't been this horny in years, and definitely not with thoughts of only one person. Jo had never made him this horny, sure they'd had an active sex life, but the thought of climbing into bed with her had never turned him on like this.

He quickly undressed, slipped into the cold shower, then dressed in pyjama pants and climbed into his bed. He hoped he could get a good nights sleep. He would talk to Mer tomorrow.

Meredith had finally relaxed and Amelia had sent her to bed while she got Lexie changed and ready for bed. Amelia watched Meredith nurse Lexie until both were asleep. She gently picked up Lexie and moved her to the bassinet before heading to her own room.

Meredith's dreams made her toss and turn. She felt lonely. She dreamed of everyone leaving and saying goodbye. Her dad waving goodbye before she was five, Richard saying goodbye to Ellis so long ago at the park before they moved to Boston, her mom saying goodbye as she headed back to the hospital, the various nannies, George, her step-mom Susan, her dad yelling at her during before Susan's funeral, Izzy running from Seattle, her sister Lexie, Mark, Cristina leaving for Europe, Derek... she was alone. She felt alone. Everyone left. She woke crying. Not to the crying of an infant or kid, but with tears streaming down her face. She was all alone. She didn't know how to not feel so lonely.

Taking a deep breath, she walked over to the window wrapping Derek's Columbia hoodie around her shoulders. It was still dark, very dark outside in the woods. The clouds hid the moon. The darkness was all around her, and in her. She didn't know how to find the light. She stood there crying, like she had so many nights since Derek had died. Why did she stay here? Why didn't she run?

She couldn't run. It wasn't right for Bailey and Zola. Bailey and Zola needed stability, she knew that. They needed the family that was here. She remembered being pulled from Seattle. Pulled from everything she knew. She understood why here mom ran. It was deeper than just a broken relationship. She needed to be anonymous. She'd been pregnant, with a baby that obviously wasn't her husbands. Her mom would have ruined both her own career and Richard's. But Lexie was Derek's, Meredith had support here. She was just worried about loosing more from her circle. She wanted to hold them all tight and not let them go.

Lexie, Bailey, Zola, Alex, Amelia and Maggie. She couldn't loose them. She needed them. They were here with her. She just needed to let them in. It was a battle. She felt she had to run. To hide her feelings. Ellis didn't do feelings, didn't do weakness, Ellis believed feelings were a weakness, Ellis pushed feelings away, and taught Meredith to do the same. But it hurt to bury her feelings. Hurt her, and others. She couldn't do that, but she didn't know how. But she did. Cristina, Derek and Alex all helped her talk about her feelings. And no matter how she pushed Lexie, Maggie and Amelia away they pushed back and broke into her shell. They made her stay, made her fight.

She loved her kids. She could she raise them. She could love them and have a career. Not be like Ellis, her mom. She couldn't be like her mom. She couldn't push people away. She'd been pushing Alex away recently. Her feelings scared her. She couldn't keep running. Meredith knew what she needed, she needed to be held. Held by Alex.

Grabbing the baby monitor, she headed to Alex's room hoping his was home. Like she had done so many times she crawled in beside him, wrapping her arms around him, she immediately relaxed as he wrapped his arm over her hips. She drifted off to sleep for a bit until she heard Lexie fuss. Feeling that it was feeding time, her breasts painfully full and knowing if she didn't head upstairs quickly the full blown screaming would start she reluctantly slid out from under Alex's arms and headed upstairs.

Meredith's Journal, Week of Dec 7th:

What's broken can be mended,
what's hurt can be healed.
No matter how dark it gets,
the sun's going to rise again.

My chat with Amy was good. She is right – we are strong. We can both move on. We have both lost babies. Both lost the love of our lives. We have both struggled with depression, and daemons from our youth. We both lost our father's at 5. We both lost Derek, her brother, her strength, my husband, my soulmate. We were so similar. She drank as a teen, and quickly ended up addicted to Oxy. I'd tried weed as a teen, but really settled quickly on Tequila as my "poison of choice". Thankfully I'd never gotten addicted, there were times in high-school that I'd nearly needed my stomach pumped... I never needed another drink to continue. I never needed stronger drugs. But some days, if they had been available during my darkest, loneliest times, I wonder, if I too would have followed Amy with the battle with drugs.

Amy has found love. She and Owen are working hard on their daemons. They are going to counselling.

Alex has his daemons too, his tough childhood. A drunk, drug using father, a schizophrenic mother, two younger siblings that he protected. He used alcohol like I did, to forget reality. But he's amazing with kids. He's an amazing best friend.

Anger, addiction and depression are continual battles, continual fights. We are fighting this beside one another. We can do this. We were strong.

I climbed into bed with Alex last night. After fighting daemons, I needed his arms around me. I slept so well beside him, wrapped in his arms. Lexie's crying woke me and sent me upstairs before he woke. I'm still not sure to do with Alex. Do I approach him? Or wait for him?

Alex had the best dream of cuddling with Meredith, holding her in his arms, stroking her back gently. It felt so real.

Alex woke thinking he'd been sleeping with Meredith, but his bed was empty. He was tired and didn't want to get up. But he had to work, and there were 2 little kids upstairs that would love pancakes for breakfast. He shook off his dream and headed to the shower before getting dressed.

Upstairs he whipped up some pancakes and welcomed Bailey and Zola to the table when the came downstairs. "Morning Zo! Morning Bay!"

"Morning Uncle Alex," Zola said.

"Yummy! Pancakes!" Bailey yelled.

"Ssh you don't want to wake Lexie and you mom," Alex said.

Walking out of the nursery with the monitor, Meredith says, "I'm awake. Morning Alex, smells wonderful."

"Coffee?" he asked walking to the coffee machine.

Amelia walks in and says "Yes please."

"Thanks Alex," Meredith says as Alex fills 2 mugs and tops his up.

After breakfast Zola asked, "Aunt Amy, can you help us get dressed?"

"Definitely ZoZo. Come on Bailey," she said reaching her hand to him. They headed upstairs to get ready, leaving Alex and Meredith in the kitchen.

Alex figured this was as good a time as any. He was nervous. He felt like a 15yo asking a girl to the high school prom. "Mer, do you want to go out for dinner tonight?"

"Just us? What about Lexie?"

He could see she was nervous too. She hadn't left Lexie yet. She was still under 3 weeks old. "Lexie can come too. Jackson and April said they'd watch the kids."

"OK. But nothing too dressy." She relaxed knowing that Lexie could come with them. She was looking forward to a night without preschoolers. Taking an infant with them that basically slept and ate would be so nice. She hadn't been out without the kids in ages.

"Can you be ready for 6:30 tonight?"

"Yes."

"See you then. Have a good day with the kids."

"Thanks Alex."

Meredith had no clue what to wear. She texted Amelia in a panic. "Help! I don't have any clothes to wear."

Amelia was in surgery when the OR nurse read out the text from Meredith. She sighed. This wasn't the place for this conversation. Amelia asked the nurse to reply that she was in surgery, and she'd call back after.

After surgery, Amelia sent her resident off to talk to the family and headed to her office before calling Meredith.

Meredith: Amy, what do I wear?

Amelia: Jeans?

Meredith: Ug. They hurt.

Amelia: Skirt? Dress?

Meredith: No dress, I have to be able to nurse Lexie.

Amelia: You're taking Lexie? We will watch her.

Meredith: She nurses all evening. She can come with us. I'll just bring the sling.

Amelia: What about leggings, a tank and button up?

Meredith: Hmm... I don't have any tops that close.

Amelia: You could look in my closet.

Meredith: Thanks. I'm nervous.

Amelia: Remember you are going out with your best friend.

Meredith: But a date?

Amelia: Its Alex. You've gone out lots together. You can do this.

Arriving in the driveway they could see many of their friends were home. The house was built to take advantage of the view, so the front of the house was windows and patio doors, so no privacy if they wanted a kiss goodnight. Alex stopped the car in the shadows behind Meredith's car, and circled around to open her door. Instead of kissing her goodnight at the door, he pulled her into his arms right there.

He took Lexie out of the backseat holding her in his arms. She nestled right in. He grabbed Meredith's hand and they walked to the house. He separated from her reluctantly before opening the door. They weren't ready to share their new relationship with everyone. Owen, Amelia, Maggie, Jackson and April all sitting around the living room chatting. It was surprising with all of them there the kids were sleeping. "How did you get them down with all of you here?"

"We got home after they were asleep," said Owen.

"And I just got in," Maggie said. "Where were you two?"

"Out for dinner," Alex answered, not wanting to go further into it with her. Maggie would ask a million questions, and not leave things alone until it was dissected.

Amelia and Jackson quickly redirected the conversation and they all enjoyed a drink chatting about their research projects and how everything was going at work. Meredith didn't have much to add, as she wasn't working right now, but enjoyed hearing about surgeries and research projects. It wasn't long before Jackson and April headed home and everyone else headed to bed.

Meredith's Journal, Week of Dec 7th continued:

Wow! He asked me out. I feel like a teenager.

OK so I panicked trying to figure out what to wear. But found something that looked good. I did raid Amelia's closet. I had nothing nice that my bust fit into. Nursing boobs are great, but don't fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes.

How do you go on a date when you live at the same house? It felt weird just meeting in the living room. Alex came upstairs and was wearing a chocolate brown button up and black jeans. He looked so fit and hot as he walked in. Dinner was at a local diner for burgers and shakes. We took Lexie, she fell asleep on the drive, so we took her inside in her car seat, when she fussed I put her in the sling and nursed her. It was nice to get out and chat with Alex. He kept conversation light during dinner, but after we ate conversation turned to our relationship.

I admitted I missed cuddling with him. He pulled me closer. His arm around me. An exploratory kiss. Oh my that was hot. I am confused. I want more. He admitted he was confused but wanted a relationship. We are going to try. And the kiss at the car was amazing. If we didn't have a house full of friends... Oh and I haven't been cleared for sex... will need to talk birth control when I go for my next appointment.

I am glad that Amelia and Jackson were able to keep the conversation away from our date. Maggie asks way too many questions. I'm not ready to answer her questions.

After everyone was in bed, Alex snuck upstairs and joined me in my bed. I slept well. Loved that he was cuddling me again. Holding me. And helping with Lexie.