Monday
Wearing a flowing white gown edged in lace, Amy waded barefoot through a sea of blue and purple flowers holding the small hand of a little girl. Each step released a sweet, light scent that she inhaled deeply. A gentle breeze under the warm high sun caught a few strands of her honeyed hair causing them to rise and dance. Amy smiled down at the girl whose wavy hair was dark, bangs just above her green eyes laced with long eyelashes, cheeks kissed with the sun. Amy stopped, picked a few endowed stems, made a floral necklace, focusing solely on her endeavor. Finished, she smiled at her result, said "Look what I made you! Isn't it pretty?"
She looked around, the little girl was gone. Panicking, Amy started to run through the field, to screaming, "Where are you?"
Hearing a tiny cry, a small squeal, she dropped to her knees, crawling through the flowers, looking frantically.
The alarm startled Amy, she sat up, looked around, still in her slumber fog. Then she heard the tiny cry again, her head cleared. "Ruth. It's okay sweet puppy. Bet you are hungry." She said in reply.
She reached into the box, pulled the tiny pup to her, kissed her head, rubbed her ears. "Sweet Ruth, let's get you something to eat. Quiet your rumbling tummy. My sweet pea." She rubbed her pink belly with her thumb.
Without much coaxing, the puppy took to the minuscule nipple, hungrily fed until the syringe was empty. "Good girl!" Amy cooed as she used a tissue to encourage the expulsion of waste, just as Scott instructed her. She held the puppy to her bosom warming her until the furry creature fell asleep. The whole process took less than 15 minutes, then pup and mom nestled in their own beds, fast asleep again.
Ty was jolted awake. Confused, unsure where he was, he looked around at his surroundings, grasping at anything familiar to get his bearings. Slowly, his eyes focused in the dark, his memory returned. Mrs. Bell. Through a small gap in the curtain at the window, he could see the high crescent moon, dimly lighting the yard, casting a faint beam into the room. He heard a barred owl's lonely hooting call, "Who cooks for you? who cooks for you all?" carrying, echoing into the stillness of the night, with no response from a mate or friend.
His watch showed 1:00am, he had slept hard for almost 7 hours, without much movement as the bed covers were barely disturbed. Highlighted by the moon beam, the wedding picture of Mr. and Mrs. Bell, the happy beginnings of a lifetime together, sat on the nightstand. He smiled at the couple, then briefly thought of the afternoon with Amy, working side by side, talking, laughing, touching hands. The familiar Amy, the one that he knew and loved.
His pleasant thoughts dissipated, overtaken by her words, though he agreed with most everything she said. He even conceded that they were on separate paths now, since her return from Europe. Her high end lifestyle put an end to their plan, their shared dream of working together, running a horse business.
What blindsided him was that she felt that they were already broken, on separate trajectories, before she left for Europe. She didn't place much blame on Ahmed, she put the blame for their demise squarely on themselves. On his unilateral decision to purchase Charger. On her reactionary decision to work for Ahmed. Maybe seeded by their unrealistic desire to buy the ranch. Something beyond their means.
Ahmed, Caleb, Tim, Jack, Lou, Georgie, they only complicated things, were accomplices to their breakup.
He looked again at the Bell wedding picture. Their happiness seemed to mock his own life, the state of his affairs. He felt like he was on a perpetual roller coast, his stomach nauseous, his heart hurt.
He had told Jack that he didn't want to hold her back, that he wanted her to have the lifestyle she wanted, deserved.
But truth be told, it was more than that. She was beautiful, sexy, funny, talented, smart. She was above his station. Strangely Kerry Anne's long ago words, "things like that don't happen for people like us" rang in his head. Maybe she was right.
That, and that damn video. She looked so beautiful, so at ease in that ritzy environment, so eager, smiley as she chatted with Ahmed, so inviting to be kissed. If he were Ahmed, he would have assumed that she wanted to be kissed too. Any guy would. He didn't know if he believed her. She was always too trusting, easily swayed, enchanted with other men, Caleb, Chase, Ahmed. In that regard, she had not changed.
Then he saw it, the leather bound journal. He had no desire to read it, no desire to wound his heart anymore than it already was.
There was something else there. He turned on the lamp, saw that Mrs. Bell left him a note.
Dearest Ty.
Mr. Bell is the greatest love and joy of my life. His early passing is my greatest sorrow. The time we wasted time being apart, petty, stubborn, angry, not talking is my biggest regret.
You love Amy. She loves you.
But, make no mistake. Love is complicated. Love requires hard work, loyalty, trust, honesty, communication, friendship. Maturity.
Read her journal as she asked. Reflect on it. Then decide whether or not you can live without her. Whether her love is worth your love. And whether you are willing to invest the hard work required to begin again.
Love.
Sally Bell
He sighed, Mrs. Bell, had a way of gently coaxing him in a different direction while fully supporting him. Amy was right, she was one of a kind and she loved them both.
Rearranging the pillows against the headboard, he leaned back, pulled the covers up, retrieved the journal. His fingers touched the soft tanned leather of bounded journal, traced the embossed galloping horse. Taking a slow inhale, exhale, he opened the cover. A picture of the two them, glowing with young love stared back at him. Taken the night of her high school dance, the same night he promised himself to her, a flood of memories came rushing back to him. Their own private dance in the bed of his truck. His heart beat hard, her sweet face, his nervousness, their shared innocence. On the back, she wrote in girly handwriting, Amy loves Ty. He smiled.
On the cover page were the words:
Amy Fleming's
World Equestrian Games and European Tour
with Prince Ahmed al Saeed and team
Amy's Journal Day One
Today I accepted the head trainer position for Prince Ahmed al Saeed's equestrian riders and horses to prepare them to participate in the World Equestrian Games. We leave for Europe in just four days. I can't hardly believe it. As Ty says, this is an opportunity of a lifetime. :) I agree.
"Great. Now you are going to quote me!" Ty said aloud.
Looking back, it's been an experience working with Ahmed, his horses, grooms and riders over the last few months as they prepared for the Olympic qualifiers here in Alberta. And, it almost did not happen.
My adventure started when Ahmed's horse, Emir was severely traumatized by a terrible storm during a transport flight to Calgary. Adrian, the head groom, called Scott Cardinal when their vet was unavailable. Ty and I accompanied him.
Emir is a beautiful brown stallion, champion jumper, and anchor horse for Ahmed's Olympic bound team. After the flight, he exhibited classic trauma symptoms, rearing, striking out, aggression, fear. I was able to calm him enough to trailer him to Hillhurst where the team had taken up residence.
My first interaction with Ahmed was not pleasant. When Adrian introduced him, as Crowned Prince Ahmed Al Saeed, he was quite deferential, submissive, maybe a little fearful of the prince. Ahmed was clearly privileged but also arrogant, rude, dismissive of everyone around him. Ahmed demanded that we leave the premises immediately.
Twice more and without consent, Adrian contacted me to work with Emir, once at Hillhurst and once at Heartland. He was concerned Emir was not recovering, not performing under Ahmed. Adrian had been Emir's groom when the horse was owned by Ahmed's father. According to him, Prince Mohammad al Saeed was a beloved leader, an accomplished competition jumper, formed their county's equestrian team, won many championship riding Emir. Adrian was obviously dedicated to Mohammad, respected him. Prior to his death, Mohammad bequeathed Emir to Ahmed wanting his son to carry on his legacy. Since then, Ahmed had taken the reins of the team and Emir, though not successfully.
Ahmed was furious that Emir had been trailered to Heartland, that I was working with him. He said I was a silly country girl spouting new age garbage. But in return, I called him a spoiled, condescending, sexist idiot. :(
Ty chuckled, muttered to himself. "Amy! You go girl."
For me, he wasn't my first client who doubted me or my methods, he was just more vocal, condescending, crass, cruel. It made me even more determined to prove him wrong. Somehow we were able to break through the name calling and to work together to resolve Emir issues.
With Emir, it was crucial to earn his trust, naturally with a join-up, but not indoors, but in the open, without confines.
But, just as important as my work with Emir, was my work with Ahmed. He needed to regain his confidence after the death of his father. Ahmed seemed to struggle with living up to his father's legacy including the acceptance by his team and his horse, Emir. After a successful join-up and a few sessions, horse and rider improved markedly.
When I was able to resolve Emir's fears and build stronger relationship between horse and rider, I felt really good. Success. I felt like I won Ahmed over to my methods, my mom's methods. I did my job, helped a horse live up to his potential.
Ahmed gave me with a beautifully carved western saddle with the inscription, Miracle Girl on a golden plaque. I was deeply touched. It had been a long time since anyone called me that, my business had been slow, I had begun to doubt myself and my abilities. Nice.
"The first of many gifts, huh Amy?" He said aloud, feeling bad almost immediately. Ty had forgotten how her business had dropped off, how she had begun to doubt herself.
After that the Saudi Arabian team and Ahmed were able to go on to win several competitions.
Not long after, Adrian texted me a couple of times that Ahmed requested to meet with me. When I did not respond, Ahmed showed up at Heartland to request assistance with his new horse Zeus, a beautiful but difficult gray and white stallion. Apparently, Adrian could not resolve his disruptive behaviors within the arena.
Ty and I discussed whether I should take the job. Ahmed was willing to pay A LOT. But I worried about the friction between Ahmed and Adrian. Together we decided that I should take the job.
He remembered their discussion on the front porch, how she worried, how he encouraged her to take the job anyhow. He frowned. "Ty. You are an idiot."
But looking back, when I said that we could use the Zeus money as a down payment on the ranch, Ty seemed off. After I took the job, starting working with Zeus,Ty admitted that he wanted to be the one to make the down payment. His words stung, like we weren't a team, his money, my money, not our money. He couldn't accept that I could contribute, earn money. That somehow my making a down payment was affront to him, his manhood.
"Affront to my manhood? Really Amy?" He grunted. "That's ridiculous." He knew he said that but had no idea how she interpreted it. He thought she understood. It wasn't about her, it was about him. He shook his head.
Soon after I started working with Zeus at Hillhurst, there was an accident. I got caught between Zeus and Emir fighting in the stable during a terrible storm. Zeus kicked me, knocked me unconscious, hospitalized me. I lost my eyesight temporarily. Adrian, who had been fired for drinking, was behind the entire horrible situation and had released the horses.
"Worst time of my life Amy. Seeing you hooked up to all those machines." He swallowed hard. "I was so afraid I'd lose you." He whispered. "But you are the Miracle Girl. Aren't you?"
Ty. My Ty. As always, my hero, my protector. Ty stepped in, loved me, nursed me back to health, stayed with me night and day at the hospital and at home. He helped me with my fears, helped me regain my confidence with horses.
"Oh Amy." He whispered. A twinge shot through his heart. The accident was such a dark time, but it brought them closer. He loved lying with her every night, taking care of her. He would do anything for her. Then he recalled that Ahmed wanted to take her away, to some special hospital, that he had to fight Tim to keep her at Heartland.
He arranged with Ahmed for me to work with Zeus. In the end, he helped me realize that Zeus is just a horse, a stallion, he bore no fault in the accident.
"Again. I brought Ahmed back into our lives, didn't I." He cursed himself.
So we started to dream of our ranch again, to look past the accident, to think about our future. But, we didn't resolve our issue about money, who would make a down payment. Instead, we buried it, moved on.
Still Ty was determined to make the down payment. He worked crazy, extra hours at the clinic, took on other side jobs. Then Ty gambled, risked the money Mrs. Bell gave him for tuition, bet it all on a horse named Charger, certain he would win big in the Futurity Race.
He didn't tell me. He kept it a secret. I found out the truth from Caleb. I couldn't help but wonder if this was how married life was going to be. Ty, being the man of the household, making decisions without me, his little woman.
He frowned. He should not have kept it from her. "It was Stupid with a capital S. Amy I wish I had told you." He lamented. Then he said "But, at least, Charger won. I was right." Justifying his omission.
So I accepted a job with Ahmed, partly for the challenge, partly so Ty could have his tuition money in case Charger lost, and admittedly, partly because I was upset with Ty. Like Ty, I made the decision on my own.
"See Amy. I'm not the only one keeping secrets." He retorted.
But I told Ty myself. He didn't have to hear it from someone else.
"True." He agreed as though they were having a discussion. Then he put his hands over his eyes, realizing the continuing role he played, pushing her to Ahmed. He didn't want to read anymore but knew he didn't have a choice.
Despite everything, I didn't want to see Ty fail, I wanted to support him. So I agreed to work with Charger to see if I could resolve his issue.
"Amy. Thank god you helped us."
Ahmed was not happy.
"Of course Ahmed wasn't happy." He said sarcastically.
Ty was not happy. So I just tried to balance between my fiancé and work.
Charger was lightening fast, so much so that he was missing the first barrel in the race. I tried lots of different approaches but it wasn't until we viewed the video that I realized that he held his head too high to see the barrel. So I pivoted my approach.
Ahmed came to the arena, watched me while I was working with Charger. Afterward, he invited me to be his team's head trainer during the European tour.
He inhaled, exhaled deeply, not sure what to think. "Another secret Amy?"
Well, Charger won the race, with me riding him! Imagine that, me a barrel racer. Very exciting! Caleb and Ty won 100k. Both were so happy, crazy happy. I was happy for them.
"That was crazy. Turned out to be a good bet. Huh Amy?" He said.
They were very appreciative of my help but neither suggested that I be paid for my work. That stung a bit.
"Amy. You knew the prize money was for the ranch." He muttered. But he also knew that if they had hired that professional rider, she would have been paid a percent. Amy was right, they never even considered paying her. "I'm sorry Amy."
After the race, I told Ty about the opportunity to join Ahmed's team on the European Tour. He encouraged me to go, said it was an opportunity of a lifetime. So we made the decision together that I would go.
"Amy. There was nothing else I could do. I had no choice, I had to let you go." He explained. He remembered that night so well. He wanted to put the winnings down on the ranch. He wanted to tell her but her news went first. He didn't want to hold her back. She was so excited. He sighed.
He continued to read the journal entries leading up to the day she left.
Amy's Journal Day 4
As I write this entry, it's 10pm and I am in a private jet owned by Prince Ahmed al Saeed flying to Europe.
I still pinch myself. I am so excited. So many firsts, first helicopter flight, first airplane flight, first time out of Canada, first time to Europe, first time on my own, so many other firsts to come that I can't even fathom just yet. :)
"Amy? You've never been out of the country or in a plane? I didn't know." He remarked.
The day started at Heartland. Morning chores, riding with Ty to the old jumping course, breakfast, the usual, but weirdly different. Lou gave me a pretty new winter coat as a going away present. :) She also lent me fancy clothes to take with me, she didn't think my ranch clothes would be appropriate. I packed my favorite clothes anyhow. LOL.
"Ha!" Ty smiled. "My horsey girl!"
Everybody has a different opinion of my leaving and didn't hesitate to tell me. :(
But, Ty was so loving, supportive, encouraging. I am going to miss him so much.
It was surreal seeing the helicopter land on the Heartland yard! Goodbyes were hard, especially with Ty but I was excited to start this adventure.
Boy! The helicopter was loud! When I looked out the window, I saw Ty looking back. I tried not to cry.
"I cried like a baby. Ames. Not there but back at the trailer." His heart hurt remembering that day.
Glad it was too loud to talk to Ahmed.
Not long after take-off, the helicopter landed at the Calgary airport tarmac next to Ahmed's private jet, a Gulfstream. The jet is incredible inside, sleek, leather and modern. There is a conference table, living room with wide screen TV, individual seats and four seats in sets of two facing each other. Ahmed has a private room in the back of the plane.
Aside from the jet crew, there are 19 of us, Ahmed, the vet Dr. Cairo Antar, the four riders, Hassan, Omar, Jamal and Malik, the eight grooms (one for each horse), two personal assistants for Ahmed, two security men. And me. I am the only woman. Even the flight attendants are men.
"I didn't think about you being the only woman Ames. That must have been weird."
The four riders sit together, as do the grooms, play a card game called Baloot, talk in Arabic. The security detail sits upfront glued to their various devices with Ahmed's assistants. The vet sits mostly by himself watching Tv.
Ahmed sat with me for a bit when we first boarded. We talked about the Games, tour schedule, cities, accommodations, horses. He made it all sound so exciting, the Games, the tour, me being a part of the team. I am excited too.
Throughout rest of the flight, I sat by myself and read through a binder full of information about the World Games, its rules, point system, the arena, our competition. Then it hit me, I am responsible to develop and manage a training plan aligned with this complex schedule of locations leading up to the Games for 8 horses and 5 riders. Thus far, I have only worked with Ahmed, Emir and Zeus.
Oh my god. There is so much to learn, manage. So much responsibility that I didn't even consider. I am feeling overwhelmed, panicky. I mean why did I get on this jet speeding to Europe? Why did I say yes? Why did I think that I could do this?
I just heard someone say Aymi, then laugh. Amy in Arabic. I don't speak Arabic, I have no idea what they are saying.
Mom. I wish you were here with me. Tell me what to do. Tell me how you did it it. Tell me how you did it without dad. Tell me how to do it without Ty. Please.
A flight attendant just came by to tell me that it was time for sleep and that the lights would be turned off. He converted my chair into a makeshift bed with a blanket and pillow. I am glad. I don't want anyone to see me cry.
"Oh Amy." He whispered. "I had no idea. You never said."
Amy's Journal Day Five
As I write this journal, it's 11:30 pm and I am in my apartment just outside of Paris looking at the twinkling lights of the most romantic city in the world. If I squint, I can see the Eiffel Tower. The view is breath taking. But a little empty.
Wish Ty was here. It's 3:30 Hudson time, Ty is in class so I can't call. So I texted him instead.
"I wish I was there too. Ames." He whispered.
The day started as we landed at Charles de Gaulle Airport, Paris's main international airport at 9am or 1am Hudson time. Too early to call home to let them know I arrived.
From the air, the city was incredible, sprawling. Ahmed pointed out the network of avenues branching from Arc de Triomphe in a star like pattern. And, of course the Eiffel Tower.
Ty looked closely at the two pictures tucked into the page. One was a selfie, Amy smiling with Paris in miniature peeking through the jet window behind her. He smiled back at her. The other, he guessed, was the Arc de Triomphe from the air based upon her description.
Once we deplaned, a private car whisked Dr. Antar and me to Equiline,the equine transport company, holding facility just outside of Paris. The horses will remain here for two weeks to recuperate after the long flight, adjust to the time change, air and water quality. It's similar to quarantine but not as rigid with the advancements in equine transport especially for the olympic equine athletes.
All horses arrived in good health, seemingly unaffected by the ten hour flight. Emir was understandably skittish, but calmed down after T-Touch, gentle massage, and just talking with him. I blended some camomile that I brought from Heartland into his diet to help with his stress level.
"Amy, you brought herbs?" He laughed.
For the next two weeks, the grooms will stay at the facility in the groom quarters, care, water, feed each horse. I will stay nearby location but spend my days with the horses. Dr. Antar instructed me to develop the week's care and exercise plan for each horse by tomorrow morning for his review by 7am.
When we finished at noon, a car took me to my apartment. The driver, Syed Kalb, is so friendly, says odd things that make me smile. He kind of reminds me of Mrs. Bell. :)
He told me that his wife, Bea, and four daughters are in Saudi Arabia. That he misses them terribly. I told him about Heartland, my family, Ty. That I already miss everyone. We decided to form a Misser Club.
When I arrived at my apartment, Adela Safar was already there. Apparently, she is my personal assistant and will reside next door. She reminds me a lot of Lou. She's beautiful, dark hair, light eyes, stylish, seems knowledgeable about everything...the team, competition, France. She's already unpacked my suitcases, filled the frig and cabinets with my favorite things to eat and drink and had my favorite flowers and lunch on the table, a French version of vegetarian chili. Not bad!
She said that I now represented the team and Saudi Arabia. So when working or representing the team, I am to wear the team's uniform, white breeches, brown leather boots, green polo shirt, no exceptions.
And, that because I am a woman, I would not live with the team but offsite in a separate location. She would be my escort, if needed.
Lastly, if I had any questions about anything, or needed anything that I was to ask her first. 24-7. No exceptions.
She told me her job was to take care of me. After lunch, she gave me her number and left so I could to take a nap. I am happy to have her help me navigate this strange world.
I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. The care and exercise plans weighed on my mind. So Syed drove me back to the transport facility. For each plan, I met with each horse, watched their ears, their eyes, their mannerisms, behaviors. Then I reviewed the horse's diet and exercise records. Lastly, I rode each one in the enclosed arena. Each plan took about an hour, so it was well past 11 when I called Syed to get me.
Apparently he waited outside in the car for me. I told him that wasn't necessary, but he insisted that it was his job.
On the way home, Syed said that it must have been hard for Ty to let me come to Europe by myself and for so long. Maybe I was tired or something but I said something like...Ty supports me fully but we also recognized that we needed some time apart.
"Time apart? No. I didn't want that!" He groused, talking to the journal. "Amy, why did you think that?"
After I said it, I wondered if it were true. Syed said... distance makes the heart grow fonder is the Misser Club motto. I hope so.
"Distance didn't help us, did it Amy?" Ty read the next two weeks of Amy's journal entries. They contained much of the same, early rise, at the transport facility by 6:30 am, work all day until 8. At noon, she ate the lunch that Adela packed for her, usually in the stable area with the horses,at night she ate a sandwich alone in her apartment. Every night she wrote in her journal, then go to bed. No touring of Paris, fancy dinners. No Ahmed.
"Amy. We should have tried harder. I should have tried harder." He whispered. He and Amy didn't talk much during those two weeks. Their schedules didn't match up with the time difference. They tried to stay in touch by texts, emails and an occasional call. But as time went on, the contacts became more infrequent and less newsworthy.
He closed his eyes, he needed a break from reading.
4am
Amy woke to Ruth's persistent, hungry wailing, exponentially louder than expected given the puniness the pup. Amy stretched, leaned into the cardboard box, extracted the puppy. "Hungry Ruthie?" She cooed in her ear, kissed her nose. Syringe filled with formula, once again the tiny pup nursed with enthusiasm, quickly draining it.
She held the puppy close, whispering to her, until she was asleep. Gently she placed her back in her box. But, as soon as she let go, Ruth started wailing. No matter what Amy did, she was inconsolable. Removing her tank top, still warm and scented from her body, Amy made a little nest in the box, nestled Ruth in the middle. Settled, they both sleep through to the next feeding.
Ty did too.
Sorry everyone this took so long to update. This chapter with the journal was so hard to write. Who knew? The next few will be hard too. Anyhow. Tell me what you think.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
Be safe, stay healthy.
SBR