Author's Note: This is a tough chapter, folks. Take care of yourselves! TW: NSFW brief sex, depression, suicidal ideation

-two years ago, at the guild-

The hot shower is a beautiful respite from the godawful day Kirishima had. All he could think about since he returned to base that morning was retiring to his own room and having a night to himself. Training the new guild members all week was brutal. He almost can't remember if hero training was worse. On top of that, he was technically still on probation as the director of the security team, so the additional eyes on him made it even more exhausting.

The absolute worst part about training, however, was how close he was to blowing his cover. During a mock battle, he almost used his quirk to save a new recruit from an incoming attack. He didn't end up activating it and his decision resulted in the new recruit crashing into a cannonball and fracturing his ribs.

Kirishima turns the water off and spends a couple of minutes bathing in the blanket of steam, his taut muscles relaxing in the heat. God, that feels good, he thinks. He grabs a nearby towel, wraps it around his waist, and steps out of the tub. He runs his fingers through his wet hair and feels a long cut on the crown of his head. Great. When did that happen?

He decides to ignore it, hoping it'll heal on its own. He exits the bathroom to find an uninvited guest on his bed, her platinum blonde hair in a long french braid. Her faded turquoise-colored babydoll gently hugs the curves of her body.

"What are you doing here?" Kirishima crosses his arms over his bare chest.

"Isami," Seo whines. "You're gone an entire week and I don't even get a proper greeting?"

Kirishima rolls his eyes before giving her a smile. As much as he wants to be alone, Seo is different. He first met her during initiation and he wouldn't have survived without her. Since, she's been the only thing keeping him moving forward.

He walks over to her and plants a quick peck on her lips. "Hey beautiful," he says, looking into her eyes. They're an ocean blue, easy to drown in. "Now, can you tell me what you're doing here?"

"I heard training was a bit rough," Seo says. She grabs his hand suddenly and pulls him onto the bed next to her. "I thought maybe I could help you feel better." She tugs at the towel and it starts to slip off him before he could react fast enough.

"Seo," Kirishima warns, snatching the towel and covering himself. "I'm worn out, I really just want to…" his voice trails off as she sinks to the floor, onto her knees, and positions herself in front of his slightly parted legs.

Excitement stirs deep in his belly in spite of himself. They've done this before, so Kirishima is more or less used to it, but the shame that follows is what he loathes. The first few times it happened it was because he needed an alibi and he trusted that Seo would cover for him if needed. All the times after that...Kirishima wants to tell himself it was to maintain his cover. That is the truth after all, right?

He isn't sure. All he knows now is that he doesn't protest when she seizes the towel and tosses it aside; nor does he resist when she spreads his legs and lowers her lips in front of his hardened length.

Seo's expression is full of mischief and hunger. She opens her mouth and Kirishima closes his eyes, never able to watch. To stave off the guilt, he imagines someone else in Seo's place. In his mind, Bakugou's wet tongue glides along his erection, swirling at the base and sending shivers down his spine. The warmth of Bakugou's mouth feels unbelievably good as he takes Kirishima's entire cock. He knows exactly what Kirishima likes. Bakugou's mouth bobs up and down, his speed increasing. Kirishima clutches the edge of the mattress, pure arousal extending to his limbs as he's sucked off. He moans in pleasure, feeling his cock hitting the back of Bakugou's throat. The sounds that escape his lips are breathy and desperate.

"Fuck," he whispers, leaning his head back. "Katsuki…"

Kirishima's heart stops as soon as he realizes his misstep. He opens his eyes as Seo's mouth slides off with a soft pop. She sits on her knees and narrows her eyes. "Really?" she asks.

Kirishima scratches his head, frantically trying to figure out how he can save himself. "Seo -"

"Who's Katsuki?" she asks, her voice void of anger, but wavering with hurt.

Kirishima is instantly hit with a pang of guilt. He comes down and kneels in front of her, cupping her face with his hands. He presses his forehead against hers. "No one," he says. "An old flame. Someone I'm trying to forget. I'm sorry."

To his relief, Seo slowly wraps her arms around his neck, a tiny smile creeping on her lips. "I can help you forget?" It's almost hard to believe she's a guild member. She's so forgiving, genuine, sweet. Full of love.

Kirishima brings their lips together, the taste of her balm like honey. "Yeah," he whispers. "Help me forget."

\\\

-present day-

Kirishima studies the shears in his hands, refusing to look at himself in the mirror. Why? He bitterly swipes away the tears with his free hand. Why do I miss her so much?

He's been in the bathroom for about 45 minutes. After breakfast, Todoroki left for the agency to deal with the press. The news articles reported various sightings from eyewitnesses of Red Riot back at the raid as well as a blurry photo of the hero. Midoriya said the witnesses were likely hotel staff, as he spotted a few of them running away from the fight with the cannonball villain. Maybe some of them stayed behind to watch. Whatever the story, Todoroki urged Kirishima to stay inside. It would be best if no one knew where he was until they could prepare a proper statement.

But, staying inside is driving Kirishima crazy. He can't shake off the feeling of restlessness, almost like he doesn't belong here. The life he led as a guild member was a nightmare, but it wasn't all bad. The moments he spent with Seo are ones he'll cherish forever. Seo had been such a bright light in his life. She was compassionate, funny. He never saw her angry. She was his saving grace when he first joined the guild, when he was miserable about faking his death and leaving Bakugou behind. She offered him solace, a shoulder to cry on, a confidant - and she never asked questions. She put her faith and trust in him wholly and blindly.

Kirishima grips the shears, the blade digging into his skin. He wonders how confused she must be, how hurt. He hates the character he created, hates Isami with a passion, but Seo...she was hopelessly in love with him.

Isami is done, he repeats in his head. Isami isn't real. He lifts his head and looks in the mirror. He averts his eyes in disgust. As much as he tries to convince himself that Isami doesn't exist, he's right there looking back at him.

He closes his eyes, letting his warm tears wash away the throbbing pain in his heart. He forces himself to look in the mirror once more. His black hair is greasy, tied with a rubberband near the nape of his neck. There are scars along his jawline from jobs he took on at the guild. He sticks his tongue out, wondering if he should take out the tongue ring. He got the piercing when him and Seo started seeing each other. He sighs, deciding to leave it in for now.

"Let's get this over with," he tells his reflection. He takes the scissors, opens the blades, and starts clipping the hair right below the rubber band. When the ponytail is completely removed, he drops it into the trash can. His head feels lighter, which gives him some sense of hope. Maybe this is a new start.

When he looks into the mirror to see his work, he frowns. His hair ends fray below his ears, making his face appear longer than it is. Gratefully, he doesn't see Isami anymore. Gloomily, he doesn't see Kirishima either. He sees an empty shell, a man who's left two lives, and who isn't sure if he deserves a third one.

Seo hates me, Kirishima thinks. I know she does. And Bakugou… Kirishima is positive Bakugou hates him, too. He misses Bakugou more than anything. He wants to see him, but is petrified of confronting him. He wants to tell Bakugou that every night before bed he would fantasize about their lives together. He used to play this game in his head called "When this is all over."

When this is all over, I'm going to leave the undercover life behind and come home to you every night.

When this is all over, we're going to take a long overdue vacation somewhere tropical, just the two of us.

When this is all over, I'm going to get down on one knee and ask you to marry me.

A sob escapes him. Kirishima heaves, trying to withhold another sob. All those fantasies are impossible now. There's no way Bakugou will forgive him. Kirishima left him. He lied to him. Kirishima let someone else into his heart. He was so focused on the mission that he lost himself somewhere in the process. And now…

"I hate myself," Kirishima admits in a whisper. Maybe the feeling he doesn't belong is because he doesn't deserve to be here. And that maybe he did this to himself.

The shears are heavy like iron in his hand. A contemptible thought crosses his mind: he wonders how long it would take to lose consciousness if he slits his wrists, climbs into the tub, and fills it with water. And just waits for the pain to stop. Would it take five minutes? Ten? Longer? How long would it take until someone finds him?

His fingers tremble. The thought is tempting. It seems so easy, Kirishina thinks. And it makes so much sense. If he takes himself out of the equation, everyone can finally move on. Todoroki won't have to deal with the press. Seo can begin a new life. Bakugou can grieve properly. And Kirishima doesn't have to pretend anymore, put on the skin of someone he hates. He doesn't have to perform and try to appease people. He can end the pain. It's my life anyway, he thinks. Don't I get to decide what to do with it?

Kirishima curses. He's repulsed at himself. He drops the shears into the sink with a clank.

A knock comes at the door followed by Midoriya's voice. "Kirishima? You've been in there a while. Are you alright?"

Kirishima takes a deep breath. He needs to get a hold of himself. "I'll be out in two minutes," he calls out to him.

"Okay," says Midoriya from behind the door. "I'm in the living room when you're ready."

Kirishima listens to Midoriya's retreating footsteps. He turns on the faucet, splashing cold water onto his face and rubbing the ache around his eyes. He dries his fingers by running them through his hair and exits the bathroom to meet Midoriya.

The afternoon sun hits the windows and makes the living room a lot warmer than it is. Midoriya is sitting in front of his laptop, headphones on, scribbling in a notebook. He looks up as soon as Kirishima walks in, closes his laptop, and slips it underneath the recliner.

"Nice haircut," Midoriya compliments with a smile.

Kirishima rubs the back of his neck. "Thanks, but I should probably visit an actual barber soon." He takes a seat on the sofa across from Midoriya, astutely aware that the smile hasn't left his friend's face. Why am I questioning his smile? Has the guild jaded me that much? "Were you doing some work?"

"Yeah," Midoriya replies. "But, I really can't do much from here."

"I take that means you'll be going back to the States soon," says Kirishima, trying to hide his disappointment. He's lost so much already and he doesn't like the idea of losing Midoriya, one of the only people who can make him feel like he matters.

"My flight is on Friday, so I still have a few days left," Midoriya says, leaning back to stare at the ceiling. "Shoto wants me to square some things away with the press since I was at the raid and be there for moral support when you make your statement."

Kirishima notices the vacancy in Midoriya's eyes. He imagines his friend holding onto every last hope of reconciling with Todoroki. It doesn't seem like the pair has had a chance to really talk with all that's been going on. "You must miss him a lot," Kirishima states softly.

Midoriya glances at him and chuckles. "Is it that obvious?" His cheeks turn slightly red. "I'm, uh...still very much in love with him."

Kirishima is almost confident that Todoroki feels the same way. Almost. A tiny voice has been nagging him since this morning after he read the text about Todoroki picking Bakugou up from the hospital and spending the night. He dismissed the thought immediately. The thought of something happening between the two was ridiculous. He knows that the two have grown close, but it's only because Kirishima asked Todoroki to take care of Bakugou while he was gone.

However, it wouldn't be surprising. How many times has Kirishima called Todoroki or texted to discover he was staying with Bakugou? The more he obsesses over it, the more he starts accepting it as a real possibility. It tears his heart apart. If it ends up being true and something is going on between them, wouldn't it then be Kirishima's fault?

"How about you?" asks Midoriya after some silence. "Do you miss him?"

"Todoroki? Nah, I saw him constantly on the job," Kirishima says, waving his hand.

Midoriya rolls his eyes, obviously not falling for it. "You know who I mean."

Kirishima gives him a fake smile and blinks away the new tears forming in his eyes. Come on, Eijiro, he scolds himself. When did you become such a blubbering mess?

"You don't have to hold back, you know," Midoriya points out. He's leaning forward now, elbows on his knees. "The Kirishima I remember was always honest about his feelings."

The Kirishima you remember. I hate to break it to you, Izuku, but that Kirishima is long gone. "I do...miss him like crazy." The words that flee from his mouth feel awkward. It's weird to talk about after holding it in for so long.

"Why don't you go over there?" suggests Midoriya. "Everything is out in the open now and I bet he's dying to see you."

Kirishima shakes his head. "It's too soon." Part of him wants to ask Midoriya about his thoughts on Todoroki and Bakugou, but he doesn't want to cause more drama than necessary. "Besides, I'm on house arrest, remember?"

"I'll cover for you," says Midoriya. "You should go talk to him. You both have waited three years. Him especially. He deserves an explanation."

Gah. He's right. Kirishima has been focusing so much on the fear and the pain that he hasn't stopped to think about what Bakugou deserves. Bakugou suffered a lot through the choices Kirishima had made. Kirishima owes him an explanation.

"Alright. I'll head over tonight."