Chapter Thirteen
Nearly a week had passed, Rick sat in his office overlooking Shane's plans for the last training of the academy class. On his agenda as well, was finalizing the preparations for the upcoming graduation ceremony. But in between his moments of focus on work, his thoughts kept going to how he missed spending time with Michonne this past week. After their first weekend together, he imagined the next weekend would have gone completely different before Blake's imposition.
Rick had to settle for seeing Michonne in passing a couple times in the halls last week and also in PT training. Rick didn't shy away from taking peeks at her when she was in his presence. He wanted to go up to Michonne every day and profess to her. Explain how he really felt but instead he chose to remain professional while at work. The other recruits were always present and he wasn't quite sure what Michonne's reaction would be after that night in her bedroom. He also didn't want to be a distraction before she took her final exams so he kept in control.
But even when he had to observe her from a distance, he was still in awe of her. But last Friday, during physical training he was granted a rare opportunity to be in close proximity to her again. All of the instructors lead their last and longest run to date. One that would normally have damn near the whole class fall out unable to run for such a long distance.
Rick was relieved that he had maintained his regular workout even after physical therapy ended so he was able to participate in this activity. When the run first began all the instructors except Lt. Payton who would observe, were at the front to lead. They started the run with a slow pace that would gradually increase and decrease to simulate what may be required in the field.
After lap ten, they began to lose recruits by the handful. Lap fifteen caused Shane and Dianne to drop out of the run. Rick looked around to see how many recruits were still with him, Daryl and Glenn. That's when he spotted Michonne on the other side of the track looking to be encouraging Sasha. Michonne's movements were smooth, graceful, and relaxed. She looked to be on a leisurely jog unlike the people that surrounded her, who panted and looked to be on their last legs.
Rick decided to issue a challenge to regain his concentration, upping his speed. The gymnasium was now filled with groans and heavy breaths as the runners struggled to keep up with his accelerated pace. On lap twenty, Rick passed the bleachers to see most of the recruits along with Daryl, who had just fallen out trying to collect themselves, but he couldn't spot Michonne. At that point, Glenn began to lag after being right with him the whole time. But unexpectedly there was someone on his left.
Michonne.
Rick was still astonished even though he knew Michonne was a competitor. She sported a sheen of sweat but her movements were determined and powerful. A little bit of hope blossomed in Rick when he caught her covertly glancing at him. A smirk played at her lips, an answer to his test. Rick knew she must have missed interacting with him too from the brief look of yearning on her face. Being this close to her in public thrilled him.
Of course, Rick enjoyed when they snuck around but what he really missed was their connection. The initial eye contact between them in this very gym had awoken something in him and their looks conveyed so much besides lust. He enjoyed the way they knew what the other was thinking with just a few glances and maybe a head nod or small hand gesture.
As they ran in sync, Rick discerned that her plan was to throw herself into getting this job. She wasn't going to back down, that she was a fighter and he wanted her to know he was worthy of her efforts. He looked behind them to see there were about ten people still running, Glenn hadn't dropped out just fell behind a fraction.
Abruptly, the sound of a whistle pierced the air, blown by Zeke to signify the end of the grueling marathon. Everyone slowed to a stop, some bent over panting while others simply collapsed on the floor where they stopped. Rick sucked in much needed air to fill his lungs while he pushed back his sweat soaked hair. Once he gained his composure, he saw Michonne watching him, her breathing already slowed. The expression she wore made him think she would run over and catapult her body at him. But he instead watched her grow glum seemingly deciding against her desires. He watched her retreat and join Sasha on the benches.
They were so close to the end. He wanted to allow her her peace, even though it was killing him to be so close and yet so far from her. So he convinced himself that's what he was doing when he strolled down memory lane like this.
It was Monday, finals were over now and Michonne would be getting her score today along with the other recruits.
"Captain." someone was waving their hand in front of his face. He'd zoned out again. Rick focused his eyes to see Jessie standing to the side of his desk.
"Are you okay?" asked Jessie.
"I'm fine, just deep in thought."
Jessie smiled then whispered with hopeful eyes. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Uh…okay." Rick was reluctant but gave in.
He didn't want her here alone in the office with him so he gestured for them to step out into the hall. Jessie looked on edge but trying to calm herself at the same time as they walked to stand outside the office door.
Jessie appeared to be gathering her thoughts before looking up at Rick earnestly.
"I just wanted to say that everybody's been through it somehow… everyone and a lot of things disappeared, but a lot of bullshit went with it."
Rick was thrown off by this declaration but he nodded in agreement so she continued. "I think you can have an ordinary life like before, well… not like before."
"No." Rick didn't want a life like before.
"I-I mean better."
The word 'better' bringing Michonne straight to his mind. Her sable brown eyes, her skin smooth to his touch, her coconut scent, it made him smile.
"I get what you are telling me." he responded.
Jessie smiled back, encouraged. She stepped forward into Rick's personal space attempting to kiss him. He immediately backed away.
"Ahh, Jessie I think you misunderstood." He shook his head.
"I know I'm not enough but…I'm something." She said, trying to convince him.
She pouted and tried to step towards him again, but he put up a hand. "What are you doing, Rick?" she pleaded.
"You don't even know me." Rick murmured. "I'm confused, since I came here you've been making unprovoked passes at me." He tilted his head waiting for a response.
Her eyes start to well up with tears. "I really do like you Rick and I thought maybe you could save me from my situation. But I have to do this."
"What? What situation?" Rick stared at her questioningly as she hung her head.
"If I don't- he'll… he'll expose me." Rick looked around seeing recruits and staff in the halls. He ushered Jessie over to an alcove around the corner for privacy.
"Who? Who will expose you?"
She looked up at him. "Col. Blake."
"Expose you, how?"
Jessie contemplated. "We were having an affair while I was still married." She uttered. "I just wanted to get away from my abusive husband, Pete. He was hurting me and our sons. Philip said he'd get Pete to leave us alone and grant me a divorce. That he'd protect us and I believed him- fell for him."
Jessie wrapped her arms around herself and whispered. "I thought he'd just scare him into giving me what I wanted. But instead Philip set my husband up with a phony drug bust at his practice. It was staged by some dirty cop friends of his. Simon Ogg, Caesar Martinez, Travis Shumpert but there are others."
Rick remembered that drug bust, it was front page news in King County. A trusted plastic surgeon was selling addictive prescription drugs to depressed housewives from surrounding towns and counties. That bust was one of the reasons that Blake was promoted to Colonel.
Jessie continued. "He even has a city council member, Gregory Berkley under his thumb."
"Okay, so he helps you out with your predicament. Then what?"
"Philip changed or finally revealed who he really was. He became…. rough with me." Jessie wiped away a tear that rolled out of her eye. "So I threatened to expose him and he told me he had an 'insurance' policy on me."
"What does he have on you?"
Jessie hesitated then leaned in. "Illicit pictures he took of me."
Rick rubbed his forehead. "Okay but what does this have to do with me?"
"Ever since you got here he's been wanting me to get involved with you. Later, he wanted me to get you in a compromising position with me and Rct. Harrison. To record it, so he could blackmail you into silence." She tried to look repentant.
"Captain Grimes, I didn't want to but he's going to post the pictures of me to my kids' school website. I didn't know what to do."
Rick thought this over.
"Do you know where he keeps the pictures?"
"On a flash drive but there's a backup on his laptop."
"I can help you." Rick agreed. Jessie looked up expectantly, wiping her face. "Lucky for you, I know a guy."
"Alright, pretend that we are planning a date for this weekend and play along with his bullshit as long as it's safe for you and your boys. If Andrea asks, tell her you want to work your way in with me first and then add her in later." She shook her head.
"I'm really sorry, Rick." Jessie's eyes begging for forgiveness. "Would you do this for anyone?"
"No."
Rick wasn't even doing this for himself, it was all for Michonne.
Rick sent Jessie back to her office while he thought, tapping on his leg.
The wheels were in motion. He just had to make sure it went down correctly. This was his last shot at Blake and he had no intentions of missing.
'Aroma therapy is bullshit…'
Coconut was her go to scent when she was stressed, but she'd started using it more and more since Rick seemed to enjoy the smell of it. Now the fragrance reminded her of him so she showered with a bar of soap she borrowed from Rosita. Lavender.
'Ugh'
While Michonne dressed for the academy she thought of her new plan- which was just redeploying the original plan. To get back on track with her blueprint, before she let herself get side tracked.
Unfortunately, that was easier said than done. Seeing Rick on a nearly daily basis was difficult. She wanted to talk to him, hug him, touch him, feel Python…
'Nope, nope.'
She had to get it together. She would revert to her designs, physical fitness to exhaust herself so she was too worn-out to let her mind wander.
Although, last week in gym she couldn't help but to demonstrate her dexterity in the last run lead by the instructors. She maintained a casual running pace to help motivate Sasha. But once Rick picked up the pace and Sasha motioned that she was done, she kicked it into high gear making her way through the exhausted recruits that stood between them. Rick glimpsing her when she caught up and kept pace with him, amused her. She pushed herself faster, longer until she knocked almost everyone out of the run. She couldn't help but simper when Rick even starting to appear winded.
After Lt. Payton finally called the end of the run, the amazement on Rick's face made her want to run right up and kiss him.
Besides getting near Rick, she did have something else to be blissful about. Yesterday she'd gotten her results on the final exam, a perfect score! So she just had to make it through gun training and graduation was in site.
After she finished preparing for the academy that day, she headed for the kitchen to have some breakfast when she saw them all sitting on the couch waiting for her. Maggie, Sasha and Rosita.
'Damn it.'
"I don't have time for this." She tried to put a kibosh to their little intervention as she grabbed a cereal box from the cabinet.
"Michonne, we are having this conversation." Maggie stated and crossed her arms. The other two woman stared at her as well.
"Fine." Michonne relented just wanting to get this over with. She came to sit on the chair across from the couch they sat on. "Let's get this over, we still have academy today, Sasha."
She sat back in her chair and glaring at them, crossing her arms. They all looked at each other to see who would start.
Rosita moved to the edge of her seat and sighed before she began.
"Mike, let you down. You opened yourself up to him. Trusted him. You just wanted to be protected when the time came and he didn't do that. You hated the way you felt so you took a shit ton of bricks and started building. You figured if you learned as much as you could and became the best parent you could be you'd never have to be vulnerable again."
Michonne looked at the wall behind them so they wouldn't know she was effected by tell sharing her truth. Sasha slid to the edge next, sadness in her eyes.
"Then Andre…died." Emotion in her voice but she continued and Michonne took in a shaky breath.
"We saw what you went through. It took you time to build another layer of wall to block off your broken heart. We all watched you come up with a new strategy. You figured if you made other noise, we wouldn't notice that you were closing yourself off." Sasha sighed. "It's our faults for not saying that we did. We are all accountable because we are family."
Michonne blinked a tear loose from her eye. All of the ladies were glassy eyed by then but it was Maggie's turn.
"When my Daddy lost my Momma, I was young and I was grieving for her too. I didn't know the pain my Daddy was in, he started to drink and he pushed everyone away. Sometime later, he sobered up for me… I think. Or just to survive somehow. Then he met Annette and he's told me now that I'm an adult that he was scared so he tried to push her away…I think that's what you're doing with Rick."
Sasha came over and crouched down in front of her. "You've gone through so much; we understand that you're scared. Scared to take a chance to tear down that wall because it's kept you safe and warm."
Sasha took Michonne's hand in hers. "But it'll be okay." Michonne openly weep.
"How can it be okay? Andre's gone." She sobbed.
Sasha wiped her own eyes and smiled lovingly at her best friend.
"Because somethings do end. But it's never the end of everything. And you are not lost." Sasha squeezed her hand. "You can break down that wall and start to build a life. A life that won't just even out- no I think it crosses over toward the good… toward the brave…toward love." Maggie and Rosita moved to stand on Michonne's sides.
"You felt it, the possibility of everything. So don't run from it." Rosita reiterated. "It wasn't nothing."
Michonne nodded and stood up. The four of them embraced providing each other with all the support they possessed.
"Congratulations Recruit Hawthorne, you will be this academy classes valedictorian!" Lt. Payton announced to the auditorium. The recruits clapped, hooted and whistled for her.
"Thank you, Sir."
"Aww no, this was all you. Be proud!"
Almost everyone in the six companies came over to praise and commend her. Except notably Spenser, Andrea and their friends.
Sasha came over to Michonne snickering after looking at the group that wasn't celebrating her friend.
"Haters!" Sasha shot them all the evil eye while Michonne chuckled.
"I didn't expect anything different ever since I was named her competition for valedictorian. When I caught the tailwind of her and Blake's conversation that day in the hall, she'd really begun upping her bitch factor."
"Not to mention she was all too happy to pass his message along." Sasha squinted her eyes.
"Yeah, but I'm going to ignore that and revel in my victory."
"You did it girl!" Sasha hugged her.
"Thank you for everything." Michonne pulled back and smiled.
"Of course."
When they released from their embrace, Sasha took the time to mean mug Spenser next.
"And he's still butt hurt about Rick cockblocking him."
"Really?" Michonne shook her head at her friend.
"Not to mention also beating his ass."
"Rick didn't beat his ass… just a simple head-butt." Michonne shrugged her shoulders.
"So you gonna talk to him?"
"Who, Spenser?"
Sasha stared at Michonne unmoved and Michonne cackled.
Michonne clear-headedly stated. "After our talk, I thought about something Dr. Monroe told me." Sasha listened more intensely.
"She told me I had to figure out what I want… for my whole life. So I'm working up to it."
They two women smiled at one another.
After the fanfare died down everyone took their seats in the auditorium while they awaited further instructions. Michonne's exuberance trickled over from not only her being named valedictorian, but also the conversation she'd only had with her best friends a few hours ago.
After Blake threatened her, she had withdrawn from Rick so abruptly, believing she was allowing him to have a second chance at making his family whole without her complicating his life. Michonne didn't want her inner turmoil to be one more thing Rick had to deal with.
Now, her revelation was that she didn't think she deserved another shot at happiness and therefore she used Blake's intimidation as an excuse to bolt.
All of her dreams of her future had Andre in them. How could she reconcile any positive outcome in her life since she had lost her son?
Michonne had stuffed all of those visions of having a child in her life away. So when Rick showed up at the park with Carl, she wanted to run. She knew he felt her skittishness so she relaxed and played it cool. This was just an accidental meeting and she could make it through.
Carl's presence petrified her and she could sense her friends observing her. Waiting for a crack to splinter but she just breathed and let herself feel.
Andre would've been younger than Carl. Michonne allowed an image of a future with Andre in her mind. It included silly games, parks and picnics. So she tapped into the joy of being in a child's delight. She felt jubilant running around with Carl. A touch of glee squeezed out of her soul, a part she thought would never resurface.
So she took that small step and maybe she'd be ready for more. Maybe she still had that part of her to offer. But it was there waiting for her to let it out.