Michael in Arizona: Oh wow, I hadn't even realised that… thank you. Or she just never got the diary to Hogwarts… but the book/movie would have been so different then. Book Ginny fan only here, movie Ginny SUCKS! Haha thanks. Yeah, I like that scene in the movie too. No one likes Lockhart.
loveemmawatsonandhermione: Ugh no one likes Gilderoy Lockhart, but he's better than Umbridge…
TheNotA: Sorry mate.
{Pan over the castle, then into the greenhouse. Sprout walks out to the class}
"Wait…" Ron scrunched up his face. "Why are we having Herbology lesson already? Aren't I gonna have that howler I got at breakfast?"
"Good, you got that howler," Mrs Weasley nodded.
"Except for the fact that the entire school heard it and I pretty much died of embarrassment…" Ron muttered.
"That's the punishment of the howler," Molly said firmly.
Sprout: Good morning, everyone. {Everyone is just chatting, she taps on a pot} Good morning everyone!
"And Professor Sprout also came when we were outside lining up," said Hermione.
"Oh, and she was accompanied by Lockhart…" Harry muttered.
"Oh, that's right, Lockhart teaching Sprout to 'doctor a whomping willow'." Ron snorted.
"Probably explained the bandages on her arms, which are also absent," Hermione rolled her eyes.
Class: Good morning, Professor Sprout.
"I suppose this is going to skip the word you had with Lockhart, right?" Ron asked, and Harry nodded.
"Yeah, he said about how he'd given me the bug, the taste for publicity, and that's why we flew the car to Hogwarts," he snorted.
"Well, you now see why," Hermione said sharply to Lockhart. It was hard to believe she used to obsess over him.
Sprout: Welcome to Greenhouse Three, Second Years. Now gather round, everyone.
"I guess I didn't hear any of that because I was talking to Fraudhart," Harry said.
"Wow, that's actually a really good name for him!" Ron cried. Harry grinned.
"I can't even remember if Professor Sprout said that…" Hermione said.
Sprout: Today, we're going to re-pot Mandrakes.
"Oh, she actually said we'll be repotting mandrakes today," Neville said. "Wow! I remembered that!" He grabbed out his rememberall and threw it behind him.
"You still have that rememberall?" Hermione asked.
"Yeah, it's helped me for years and it still works!" Neville said happily.
Sprout: {Grabs a pot} Who here can tell me the properties of the Mandrake root?
"I actually only said of the Mandrake, not the root," Sprout told everyone.
"And here we go to see Hermione being a know-it-all…" Ron muttered, earning a glare from Hermione.
Sprout: {Hermione's hand goes up} Yes, Miss Granger.
"Now we're all gonna here the mudblood going on about some random stupid facts…" Draco sneered.
"Shut the heck up Malfoy unless you wanna fight," Ron snarled, getting teleported to Draco, and the two of them glared at each other with fire in their eyes, before Ron was teleported back to his own spot.
Hermione: Mandrake, or Mandragora, is used to return those who have been petrified to their original state.
"My problem with that is that I said the mandrake is a powerful restorative before I said that, and I actually didn't say about the petrified, although the mandrake does do that as well, I said about people being transfigured or cursed. Mandrakes, for anyone here who doesn't know, are these plants who shriek out, and the fully-grown ones cries are fatal if you hear them, while the seedlings cry can knock you out for several hours," said Hermione.
"You done?" Ron asked.
Hermione: It's also quite dangerous. The Mandrake's cry is fatal to anyone who hears it.
"See, Hermione, you literally could have just let us watch the movie to find all that out," Ron said. "You seriously just wasted a lot of breath for nothing."
"Professor Sprout said it was dangerous and asked if anyone knew why shortly after giving me ten points for Gryffindor," Hermione said, ignoring him.
Sprout: Excellent. Ten points to Gryffindor.
"Oh, this means Gryffindor won't get the total of twenty points I gave us that day!" Hermione said.
"Oh yeah, that's where you're really good, Hermione," said Ron, "you got us so many points for our house."
"Wow, Ron," she mumbled. "I feel so loved."
Ron grinned as Harry laughed.
Sprout: Now, as our Mandrakes are only seedlings, their cries won't kill you yet.
"I just said they were only young…" Sprout said. "After that, I just told you all to get your earmuffs."
"Add for what they don't give," Harry muttered, rolling his eyes.
Sprout: But, they can knock you out for several hours, which is why I have given each of you with a pair of earmuffs for auditory protection.
"None of that was said…" Ron muttered. "She hadn't pre-given us earmuffs each, we all had to try and grab a pair from the pile and raced to not get a pink and fluffy pair."
"I honestly would've died of embarrassment if I'd got a pink and fluffy pair," said Seamus darkly. Dean shuddered.
Sprout: So could you please put them on, right away. Quickly! {They put on their earmuffs.}
"There was no pink and fluffy pairs!" Dean cried. "These people were so lucky, they didn't have to deal with the horribleness of pink and fluffy earmuffs…"
"Wow, you guys had to deal with pink and fluffy earmuffs?" Fred asked.
"Ours had unicorns on them," George snorted. "So quit complaining, children!"
"We're not children," Ron snapped. "These are children." He poked Rose and Hugo.
Sprout: Flaps tight down. Watch me closely. Grasp your mandrake firmly.
"Oh wow, she's gonna demonstrate now…" said Harry.
"Demonstration time! Yay!" Ron cried.
"Yay," said Hermione flatly.
"She did demonstrate, she's just added a lot of lines," said Harry.
Sprout: Pull it out of the pot {she pulls the mandrake and it lets out an annoying sound. Everyone covers their earmuffs}
Almost everyone in the room cringed at the noise.
"I… couldn't… here… it… when… I… did… my… mandrake…" Harry cringed. "So… we… wouldn't... have… our… ears… covered…"
Sprout: Got it, and now dump it in the other pot, and poor a little sprinkle of soil.
"Can't even understand what she's saying over the mandrake…" Ron yelled.
"She's explaining what to do, I think!" Hermione yelled back.
{The mandrake shrieks and Neville collapses}
"I didn't fall like that…" said Neville, rolling his eyes.
Sprout: Ugh. Longbottom's been neglecting his earmuffs.
"NO I HAVE NOT!" Neville bellowed. "Don't make me seem even dumber than I already am, movie…"
"You're not dumb, Neville!" Hermione said, smiling at him. Neville gave a weak smile to this.
Seamus: No, ma'am. He's just fainted.
"Seriously?" Neville complained. "I had not fainted!"
"Nah, you hadn't," said Seamus. "And I didn't say that…"
Sprout: Yes, well… just leave him there.
Professor Sprout scoffed at that. "May I say, I wouldn't do that to any student, but especially not Neville." She smiled at Neville, who beamed back.
Sprout: Right. On we go, plenty of pots to go around. Grasp your mandrake and pull it up!
"Shouldn't we have gotten into our groups of four by now?" Justin asked. "I remember I was with you three… I suppose that Lockhart's not something anymore."
"I still am exclusively handsome, and could still win the most dashing smile award," Lockhart grinned. Justin cringed.
{Everyone pulls up their mandrakes and there are many annoying cries. Draco puts his finger in a mandrake's mouth, which then bites him}
"Why is Malfoy there?" Harry asked. "It was just Gryffindors and the Hufflepuffs…"
"It's kinda funny how the mandrake bit him, though," Ron snorted, "even if it didn't happen…"
{Percy and Penelope walk through the halls}
"Percy and Penelope sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Fred and George chimed in a sing-song voice.
Penelope: There's Nearly Headless Nick.
"What is happening?" Harry asked. "Shouldn't we be going to transfiguration now?"
"It's probably just one of those pointless scenes that never happened," said Hermione, rolling her eyes.
Percy: Hello, Sir Nicolas.
"Yeah, hello sir Nicholas, I do not remember seeing you randomly with Penelope, but anyway…" said Percy.
Nick: Hello, Percy. Miss Clearwater.
"That was random," Penelope Clearwater shrugged.
"Really was," said Hermione, frowning.
{Ron wraps tape around his wand}
"This movie should be called 'Ron Weasley and the year my wand was broken and totally useless'," Ron grumbled, looking at his movie-self with sympathy.
"Still no sign of your howler," Molly frowned.
Ron: Say it. I'm doomed.
"You didn't say that," Harry said, shrugging. "It skipped our entire Transfiguration class…"
Harry: You're doomed.
Harry snorted. "Wow, this makes me seem like such a supportive friend."
"Well I guess the dude there did tell the dude pretending to be you to say that I was doomed," Ron shrugged.
Colin: Hi, Harry. {Camera flashes}
"Oh here we go, Colin is here…" Harry muttered. "Yay!" He quickly added as Colin frowned at him.
"I actually said all right, Harry!" Colin said excitedly, and it seemed like he was the sweet first-year again, although he appeared to be seventeen years old.
Colin: I'm Colin Creevey. I'm in Gryffindor too.
"Well, that actor's doing an alright job at playing Colin, I guess…" Ron said. "Talking so breathlessly."
"Do I talk breathlessly?" Colin asked breathlessly.
Harry: Hi, Colin. Nice to meet you…
"I didn't say that, he just kept talking!" Harry cried. "Talking breathlessly."
"Sorry about that, Harry!" Colin said quickly.
Colin: Say, do you think your friend here could take a photo of me and you standing together?
"He just asked if he could have a picture," Harry muttered.
"I just realised this skipped when I'd seen that Hermione had put hearts around Lockhart's lessons…" Ron snorted, and Hermione blushed.
"You loved me that much?" Lockhart beamed, as Hermione blushed an even deeper shade of magenta.
Colin: You know, to prove I've met you.
"I said something before that…" said Harry. "And he said so he could prove."
"Oh well!" Colin grinned.
Colin: It's for my dad. He's a milkman, you know, a Muggle, like all our family's been until me.
"Didn't Colin say about how he knew all about you, Harry?" Ron asked. "And this entire scene happened out at the courtyard after we'd eaten our lunch."
"Oh yeah, and before Colin arrived Hermione was reading Fraudhart's book, and we were talking about Quidditch," Harry agreed.
"And he said his dad was a milkman, after saying he couldn't believe he had magic," Hermione added.
"You were listening?" Ron asked, bewildered. "I thought you were reading…"
"I have multiple talents, Ron," Hermione grinned.
Colin: No one knew all the odd stuff I could do was magic till we got my letter from Hogwarts. Everyone just thought I was mental.
"I didn't say that everyone thought I was mental," Colin said, his voice sounding like he was gasping in helium, just like always.
"So Colin should either be saying how he knows all about me or saying I could sign a photo of me and him," said Harry.
Ron: Imagine that.
Hermione scoffed. "Glad you didn't say that, Ron…"
"Well Colin didn't say everyone thought he was mental, and if he had, I dunno what I would've said…" said Ron.
Dean: Ron, is that your owl?
"Errol?" Ron said. "But… isn't it meant to be lunch time here? Owls only come in the morning!"
"Actually, owls only come out at night," Vernon snarled through gritted teeth.
{Errol comes down to the table and crashes into the food}
"Didn't he land in my milk jug, at breakfast…" Hermione asked.
"Yeah," said Ron, "and this must be the howler scene…"
"Ohh…" said Harry, as Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle sniggered.
Ron: Bloody bird's a menace – Oh no!
"You didn't say that, you just said his name before seeing the howler…" Harry mentioned.
Molly was grinning with delight. "Here we go…"
Seamus: Look everyone. Weasley's gotten himself a Howler.
"Who's that guy meant to be again… oh, wait that's me, I remember, from the first one, and jeez I'm still a dark-haired guy?" Seamus muttered.
"I don't think that's gonna change, Seamus…" Dean said.
"But Seamus didn't say that, Hermione thought I was scared because I thought Errol was dead," Ron snorted, "likely story, that. But then I realised my mum had sent me a — a howler…"
"It's what you deserved, Ronald!" Molly cried.
Neville: Go on, Ron. I ignored one from my Gran once... it was horrible.
"That was along the lines of what I said," Neville shrugged.
"What… what actually happened?" Ron asked.
"It's the one thing I can remember the clearest in my life…" Neville shuddered. "It followed me around all day long, until the very last class of the day, and then Professor McGonagall was explaining something before it flew up high and started cursing at me, swearing, before eventually setting fire to Professor McGonagall's cloak…"
"How come we can't remember this?" Hermione asked.
"I dunno, but it will never leave my mind…" Neville said, shaking his head darkly.
{Ron opens the envelope nervously, and drops it immediately}
"Oh… that skipped me telling him to open it, that it'd all be over in a few minutes," Neville said.
"And be being completely ignored when I asked what a howler was," Harry muttered.
"Be prepared for yell power everyone…" said Ron.
Mrs Weasley: RONALD WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT CAR! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED!
"Didn't she say she was disgusted after she said she was surprised you weren't expelled and…"
"No." Ron was trembling. "This version's better… just let it go, please…"
Mrs Weasley: YOUR FATHER'S NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK AND IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT!
"OK, that was basically right," said Harry. "She didn't say the 'now'."
"Just… let it go… Mum, you should've sent this version, it's shorter…" Ron gulped, and Molly gave him the devil eyes.
Mrs Weasley: IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT HOME!
"If you put another toe out of line, ohhh, such a good line!" Draco grinned. "Wow, are howlers expensive? I've never gotten one myself, but if they are, you must have really struggled, Weasleys."
"Malfoy, here's a challenge for you: you have to not insult everyone for the rest of all these movies, the rest of your life, actually!" Ginny said, raising her eyebrows.
Ginny: Oh, and Ginny dear. Congratulations on making Gryffindor. Your father and I are so proud.
"Oh my gosh, good thing Mum didn't put that into the letter…" Ginny said. "That would've just been… ugh…"
"I am so sorry, Ginny!" Molly cried. "I should have put that in there for you!"
"Really, Mum, it's fine, honestly…" Ginny said.
{The envelope spits at Ron then tears into shreds. Harry, Ron and Hermione are panting.}
Ron sunk lower into his seat.
"It didn't spit at you like that, or tear to shreds, it burst into flames," Hermione said.
"So… it seems like Transfiguration was skipped," said Harry. "And no signed photos."
"Yes, the signed photos were a little early in your career, Harry," Lockhart nodded. "But you're old enough now, of course."
"Shut up," Harry muttered. "Colin wanted me to sign his photo, I didn't want to sign it!"
"So how's your fame career going then, Harry?" Lockhart asked, ignoring him.
"No… I… I work in the law enforcement in the Ministry!" Harry cried.
"Rubbish!" Lockhart said.
{In a classroom, the glass is chatting, then Lockhart comes out}
"Oh no… we do have him!" Ron moaned.
"Couldn't get rid of me that easily, Mr Weasley," said Lockhart, grinning his overly white teeth to some middle-aged witches, who just turned away from him. "Huh?"
"No one likes you anymore," said Hermione. "You're no longer Gilderoy Lockhart, you're Gilderoy Fraudhart."
Lockhart: Let me introduce you to your new Defence Against the Dark Arts Teacher, me.
"He actually just said 'me'," Harry said in a bored tone.
"Ugh, now do we seriously have to watch an entire lesson of him?" Ron groaned.
"Well, of course that guy there isn't as handsome as the real me," Lockhart said, winking at Hermione, who just rolled her eyes. He frowned. "But you're welcome to admire the real me any time you want during this scene or any other scene. I'll be doing signed photos at the end."
Lockhart: Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League and five times winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award
"The smile award was literally the only thing there that he'd actually done…" Ron groaned.
Lockhart flashed his smile.
"Wow!" Mrs Granger was rushing over to him, closely followed by her husband. "What do you use to whiten your teeth?
"Where can we buy it? Oh, Jean, if we get this and we use it on our clients…" Mr Granger was grinning.
"It's called the magic dentist," Lockhart said, grinning.
"Mum, Dad… don't talk to him, honestly…" Hermione groaned.
"Alright, but if you ever have a teeth catastrophe, give us a call!" Mrs Granger said as Mr Granger handed Lockhart a card. They were rushing back to their seats and Harry could hear them saying about 'such beautiful teeth!'
Lockhart: But I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her! {He chuckles}
"That's really not even funny…" Ron muttered.
"This man's a joke." Harry shook his head at Lockhart, who was still grinning at random people, and he even randomly signed Lily jr's arm. "Don't do that!"
"Harry! I was just signing this random little girl's arm!" Lockhart grinned.
"That random little girl is my little girl!" Harry snarled. "Don't touch her!"
"Yeah, Fraudhart," Lily said. "Don't touch me!"
"Oh! Sorry, sorry… wow, you had a child, Harry! You've grown so much, I literally cannot remember what happened in my life since we were down at the chamber of secrets, and… aren't you twelve years old, Harry?" Lockhart asked.
"No!" Harry cried. "Just… don't talk to me, OK!"
Lockhart: Now! Be warned, it is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizardkind!
"Wait, that's what he said just before he let out the Cornish pixies," said Hermione. "That means we probably won't be doing the quiz I aced at."
"Oh, that stupid quiz with questions all about him?" Ron asked. "I hated that…"
Lockhart: {A rattling sound} You may find yourself facing your worst fears in this room.
"Yeah, we had to deal with the worst fear of being ditched by a teacher and putting stupid pixies in their cage…" Harry muttered.
"Hey, at least we had Hermione…" Ron added, and Hermione rolled her eyes.
Lockhart: Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here...
"He's so concerned about student's safety," Hermione snickered.
"Yeah, so concerned he refused to help me when I was moments away from death," Ginny snorted.
"Such a helpful teacher," said Harry.
Lockhart: I must ask you not to scream. It might provoke them!
"I asked you to remain calm before I said that," said Lockhart, who was now flashing grins at Aunt Petunia, who looked ready to throw up. "Call me," he whispered to her and winked, making a telephone sign with his fingers.
"Get away from my wife!" Uncle Vernon snarled.
"Right. Sorry, sorry sir," said Lockhart, moving onto the next people.
{He sweeps the cover of a cage and we see Cornish pixies}
"Ugh, he we go…" said Dean. "Cornish pixies time!"
"And stupid teacher who doesn't even teach time!" Ron cried.
"Oh, but imagine having a teacher who just makes you read and not practise when a dark wizard is roaming the world," Harry said.
"You're right Harry, that really would suck," said Hermione.
"Imagine that," Ron said, shrugging.
"Good thing we didn't have to deal with that," Ginny said.
"Oh, wait a minute…" said Harry. "That sounds awfully like our fifth year…"
Seamus: Cornish pixies?
"I don't remember saying that," said Seamus. He was laughing after Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny's jokes about Umbridge.
Lockhart: Freshly caught Cornish pixies.
"He just said that when he first took the thing off the cage, really dramatically," said Ron.
"I am good at being dramatic, aren't I?" Lockhart said, walking to Ron and signing his cheek.
"Will you stop randomly signing people!" Ron growled, rubbing his cheek. "Is it off?"
"Er, no…" said Hermione.
"This marker's permanent," Lockhart grinned. Ron's eyes widened with horror.
{Seamus laughs}
"Oh, I laughed harder than that," Seamus muttered. Ron was putting water on his cheek and rubbing furiously.
Hermione grabbed out her hand sanitiser (A/N: I just had to) and rubbed it on Ron's cheek. "It's not coming off…"
"Ew, don't put that on my cheek, it stinks!" Ron grumbled. "So does this marker thing…"
"It won't come off!" Hermione cried.
Lockhart: Laugh if you will, Mr. Finnagan, but pixies can be devilishly tricky little blighters. Let's see what you make of them now!
"Oh, here we go… fighting the pixies time," Harry laughed as his two best friends growled with anger. "And he asked what Seamus had to say, who then laughed that they're not very dangerous, then he said don't be so sure, then he said about the pixies."
"Oh gosh, it really is permanent…" said Ginny. She was trying to rub the marker off Lily's arm. She frowned at Harry, who groaned.
"Well, I'll be with you forever," Lockhart said, flashing a grin and lowering his marker down to Ginny's nose, but she snatched it off him angrily.
"Oh, that's OK," said Lockhart, continuing to grin. "I only have a hundred more."
Ginny swore out loud and tried to do a bat-bogey hex on Lockhart, only to remember magic didn't work in here and ended up with Lockhart's kind of signature, which turned out to be more of a scribble on her nose.
{He opens the cage and they fly out into the classroom. The students yell out and move out of the way.}
"And before, he'd said right then lets see what you make of them," said Harry, pretending Ginny wasn't totally raging at Lockhart and that Ron and Hermione were arguing over stinky hand sanitiser.
Lockhart walked over to Harry with his dashing grin and signed his neck.
"STOP IT FRAUDHART!" Harry screamed.
Lockhart: Come on now, round them up, round them up. They're only pixies.
"They're only pixies?" George repeated. "He'd literally said they're dangerous like, two minutes ago."
Fred snickered as Lockhart signed their clothes.
{The pixies destroy the classroom, and 2 of them lift Neville up and make him hang on a candelabra}
Neville: Please! Get me down!
"Oh, I remember this happening," said Neville.
There was a cold yell of absolute rage and the room buzzing with noise fell silent. Everyone turned around to see none other than Lord Voldemort, with a curly version of the words 'Gilderoy Lockhart' on his forehead. Lockhart was shrugging, standing right beside Voldemort, as the darkest wizard of all time stood up, his red eyes like fire.
Harry quickly turned around and played the movie.
{One pulls on Hermione's hair}
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Came an enraged voice. "Ugh, dang this no magic thing…"
Harry burst out laughing.
"The pixie didn't grab my hair," said Hermione, slapping Ron's cheek in frustration, causing him to let out a groan. "Oh, sorry Ron…"
Hermione: Get off me!
"Shouldn't Lockhart be doing his spell thing he tried?" Ron asked, rubbing his cheek where there was Lockhart's signature and now also a red hand mark from Hermione.
Harry: Stop, stop, hold still!
"This didn't happen…" Harry muttered. "Looks like I'm gonna be a hero."
{Harry whacks the pixie with a book}
Harry grinned. "Thank you, thank you, the hero of getting pixies off your friend's hair."
"Wowwww Harry, you're such a hero," Hermione said sarcastically.
Lockhart: Peskipiski Pesternomi!
"Here we go, Fraudhart's little spell thing that was seriously useless.." Ron muttered.
{A pixie steals his wand, and uses it to make a skeleton fall to the ground.}
"Oh, the pixie actually threw the wand out the window, didn't it?" asked Neville. "That was just before I fell…"
{Lockhart rushes up the stairs and fights a pixie for a photo of himself}
"This is just pure chaos…" Ginny said, her eyes wide.
"This is Fraudhart's classroom…" Harry laughed.
"Yeah, I remember it was chaos… but I don't think we did Cornish pixies. First year's sort of a blur for me, since the diary literally took over my life," Ginny said, shrugging.
Lockhart: I'll ask you three to just nip them back into their cage.
"Such a helpful teacher," said Hermione.
"Says the girl who literally defended him…" Ron snorted, earning a punch from Hermione.
{He rushes off, leaving Harry, Ron and Hermione to fight off the pixies.}
"Thanks for your help, Fraudhart," Hermione mumbled, as Lockhart signed the back of her hand.
"Your welcome, Miss Granger!" Lockhart beamed.
"I'm not Miss Granger anymore, oh my god…" Hermione facepalmed.
Ron: What do we do now?
"I didn't say that," Ron muttered. "I said, can you believe him…"
Hermione: Immobilus!
"Skipping some dialogue there…" muttered Harry, rolling his eyes.
{The pixies all freeze in midair}
"I only froze two…" Hermione mentioned. "But yeah, its skipping how you said he didn't know what he was doing."
"He didn't," Ron said. "All he can do is sign things and pose for photos, and smile that lame smile."
They all looked over at Lockhart, who had stolen Dudley's phone and was taking a million selfies.
Neville: Why is it always me?
"I'd already left…" said Neville. "I fell down then I left, so I didn't say that…"
Next chapter is Draco Malfoy being... well, being Draco Malfoy