Chapter 24.
Sam decided to have breakfast with his mother. She smiled at his offer to cook and said, "You're so much better at that than I am."
"You have other skills." he said, gathering eggs and bacon. The bacon seemed necessary, because of what Dean had said about his healthy eating. He knew it was true, but he had no plans to tell Dean how right he had been. "Dean says you guys talked last night."
"Hmm." she said, "How is he this morning?"
"Not good. I'd hoped some time away from the bunker and a chat with Jules might help, but he seems worse today."
"He was having trouble sleeping. I gave him warm milk, but chloroform might have been better. His mind just keeps recycling the same fear and guilt. He won't give himself a moment to recover. Jules was a good idea. We talked a lot when I was in their world. She's a good listener."
"So is Dean. They both listen to avoid talking. I kinda hoped that they might say things to each other they can't say to us."
Mary looked at him closely. "You didn't sleep either, did you?"
"I slept. A little." he said, "It's amazing how little sleep I need. How about you?"
"I never could sleep when one of my boys was in pain. Maybe, if we got him to stay at the farm with Sarah for a few days ... "
"He already worries that he can't be trusted. I even suggest that and he'll think I don't trust him around the bunker."
"The paranoia is frightening." she said.
"But understandable. It's just a pity it mostly focuses on Cas and Jack, two of the people he loves most."
"At least he trusts you and me." she said.
"It's Cas he needs most. One meeting in their heads and he could feel a lot better. I know he misses that connection, but now its all wrapped up in this fear of angels. When the link started, it scared them both, but they came to love it and to use it as a place to talk without distractions and with a degree of honesty. Now, when he needs it most, he doesn't have it."
"He still has you." she said.
He focused on the frying food. He was tired and his heart ached to help Dean, but it seemed to get harder every day. The more Dean needed him, the more he would back away, afraid to ask for support when he should know he never needed to ask.
When he glanced at his mother, she was looking at him, worried. He smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring way. ""He still has me." he said.
"And you both have me. I hope you remember that."
"I think you helped him last night."
"You said he was worse this morning."
"Yes, but I think he was always going to be. Sleepless nights are never a good thing for him. You're right, his mind just never slows down or turns off."
"He came to talk to me last night. I have to say, that felt like a step forward."
"And he told me that he'd talked to you, which also feels good." he said, "I'm not saying it's all bad. Sometimes I wish I'd been born first, because then he wouldn't feel he has to protect his little brother."
"He tries to protect me."
Sam served up the food. He didn't have much of an appetite, but she needed to see him eat, so he put on a good perfomance. "To be honest, he tried to protect Dad, too. He tries to protect everyone but himself. He's still trying to protect Cas and he thinks he hates him. He gave me these." He showed her the angel killing bullets.
"That proves he is in control. He's afraid Michael still has some hold on him."
"All I see is Dean, scarred and suffering, but Dean." He hesitated, not wanting to discuss his own experiences, but those connected with Dean needed to know. "Having an archangel in control ... it makes you feel helpless, powerless and defeated. Those feelings linger for a long time afterwards."
"How long?" she said.
"A decade and counting." he said. He looked into her eyes and flinched from the pain he saw there, the reflection of his own. She would never know the details, he would never speak them aloud to Dean, let alone to her, but she could see how deep the pain went and how permanent it was.
"Sam, I am so sorry." she said.
"Don't be." he said, "It's good that I went through it, because now I can help him, if he'll let me." He tried to be more positive. "I think he's trying. Yesterday, out on the road, it was like there were two Deans, one trying so hard to talk to me and the other trying desperately to shut him up."
"Who was winning?" she said.
"Probably too early to tell, but I'm not giving up on him, not ever."
"Good. Neither am I." she said.
Cas appeared in the doorway. "Where's Dean?" he said.
"In his room." said Sam, "Probably best to give him some space today. He had a rough night and he's even less angel-friendly this morning."
Cas nodded. "How specific is it?"
"All celestials, including Jack," said Sam, "But he got especially angry when I mentioned Lucifer."
"Well, at least that comes from Dean, not Michael. He'll never stop hating what Lucifer did to you."
"He doesn't know most of it." said Sam.
"You think that makes it easier for him to forgive?"
"Michael hated Lucifer too."
"Not so much. Not so deeply. Nobody loves or hates as deeply as Dean. Trust me, I have been on the receiving end of both."
"He doesn't hate you. He's confused."
"He hates me." said Cas, "It's not his choice or his fault, but he does. Perhaps we could do some combat training and he could channel some of that aggression."
"Into beating you to a pulp?" said Sam.
"He can hit me as hard as he likes. I can take it. It won't even hurt."
"Maybe not physically," said Sam, "But it would hurt both of you in other ways."
Cas gave him a look. "You're forgetting. I'm not the one falling apart."
"Yeah, you're the pinnacle of stability and calm." said Sam.
"Whatever else I am or have tried to be, I am still an angel."
"And still not getting it. This isn't gonna be fixed by you sacrificing yourself, okay? Not even a little bit. Dean will snap out of this eventually and when he does, he'll feel bad for every little way he hurt you, every cruel or unkind thing he said or thought. And if violence is involved, it'll be worse for him. Is that what you want, Cas?"
He knew he had spoken too harshly. The look in Castiel's eyes turned to the usual one of guilt and doubt.
"No," he said quietly, "That's not what I want."
"I'm sorry." said Sam, "Too little sleep, too many problems. Look, let's meet at the Krak in an hour and talk this through properly."
"No. I can't." said Cas.
"Why not, Castiel?" said Mary.
"I just can't." said Cas, "You wouldn't understand. I don't understand." He looked around anxiously and then said, "I need to ... not be here." and hurried out of the room.
"You should talk to Sarah." said Mary.
Sam nodded. "About both of them. Can I take your wheels? Dean will freak out if his car is missing."
"Of course." she said, "Are you okay to drive?"
"Believe me, I've driven on less sleep."
"That somehow doesn't give me confidence. Maybe we should go together."
"Someone needs to keep an eye on Dean."
"I'll ask Jules. Maybe it will be good for him to find we both went out. He'll feel we trust him."