J
"So how long are you going to let this little seduction scene play out?" I asked over dessert. Then I leaned over the table. "I've already decided we're going to fuck. Shall we get on with it?" I'm not sure what I expected. Okay, maybe I thought she'd immediately flag down our waiter and ask for the check. That would've been a nice boost to my ego.
Instead, I watched her lean back in her chair and study me a moment in silence. "Is that what this is?" she asked quietly.
Immediately, I knew I'd hurt her feelings. "We don't know each other well enough for us to be making love, if that's what you're asking." I tilted my head. "Don't tell me you want a relationship. I'd never believe something like that."
Lisa bristled. "Why not? Why would that be so hard to believe?"
I shook my head, enjoying the feel of my hair whipping around as I did so. "You're young," I began. I had much more explanation to provide, but she cut me off.
"Is that what this is about? You think I'm so much younger than you, I can't possibly want a relationship?" She frowned and picked at her lava cake.
"How old are you, Lisa?" I asked gently. If she didn't want to hear the truth straight out, I could bring her around using the Socratic method almost as easily.
Her brow furrowed. "I'm twenty-five. I'm not exactly a child, if that's what you're getting at." She scowled at me and I realized she was a few years older than I'd guessed.
"Do you have any idea how old I am?" I stared at her evenly, preparing myself for whatever outlandish guess she hurled my way.
She shrugged. "Actually, I never really thought about it. I saw you as a mature, beautiful, confident woman. I never stuck a number on it."
"Well, I'm Thirty-one." I blew out a breath. "It's a good age really. I like being in my thirties. I feel like I've found myself. I finally know what I want in life…"
"And you don't have time for a relationship, or you don't have room for one?" Lisa frowned. Her pain was nearly palpable. The disappointment in her eyes tore at my heart.
I sighed. "There's more to it than that." Guilt weighed on me. She'd stuck up for me. She'd been there through one of my roughest days in a ridiculously long time. And now I was wounding her more than I imagined was possible. "I rather thought you'd like knowing where you stood. I expected you'd be happy I didn't want any strings. And I guess I hoped a fling was maybe all you could handle with everything on your plate these days." I shrugged.
Her eyes narrowed at me. "That's what you thought, Jennie?" Lisa shook her head sadly. "I know that we both have our challenges. I'm working to take care of my family long distance and might be called away with no notice…"
"Whoa. I don't have any challenges. I'm living my life on my terms. I'm building a business…" I stiffened as she interrupted me.
"Yes. And you're struggling to get past the shoddy treatment by your ex-husband." She offered a half smile. "We both have our baggage. I guess I thought we could unpack together."
"We can," I assured her. "Casually. Like…a weekend getaway instead of moving in. There's no need to rush. It's like visiting a new country instead of up and moving there. Make sense?" I could feel my heart racing. None of this had gone the way it was supposed to, the way I pictured it. We should already be in her car, racing back to my place for some hot, passionate sex, not arguing over a relationship I was not ready to have.
"Oh, I get it, Jennie, but I need you to get me too." Lisa folded her hands on the table. "I'm not some hit it and quit it kind of girl. If I was, you shouldn't want anything to do with me."
I rubbed my temples and tried to process what gnawed at me. "You're a photographer. You're incredibly talented."
"Thank you. I love capturing snippets of life." Lisa smiled. "Ever since my mother's illness and subsequent diagnosis, my camera and my career have come in handier than I ever would've imagined. These moments, time, is more precious than I ever imagined. I refuse to waste a minute of it."
"I completely understand and respect that," I murmured. Then I swallowed hard. "I'm getting older, Lisa. By the time you're my age, I'll be pushing my forties. That beauty you treasure so much will be fading." I crossed my arms over my body. "I've accepted that. Beauty is fleeting. Then your interest will begin to wane, and next thing you know, I'll be old and alone." I bit my lip to keep it from trembling and averted my eyes. This was more honesty than I ever imagined for a first date.
Her eyes widened and she leaned forward. "Is that what you think?" Lisa vehemently shook her head. "I'm not that guy, Jennie. I see beauty everywhere, in everything. I'm sorry your first husband hurt you, but I'd never stop loving a person because looks changed over the years. I'm not that shallow and insecure."
I stiffened. "What was that last part?" I could see from her face she thought I was accusing her of those shortcomings. "I'm serious. I don't think that of you, but obviously you think that of Kris. And I need for you to explain."
Lisa moved her chair enough so she could reach out and hold my hand. She dragged her fingers up and down my skin, making me break out in goosebumps. "The problem with your first marriage was it was never about you. It was about him. Understand?"
With a shake of my head, I disagreed. "He dumped me because I was one year older than you are now."
"No, he dumped you because he felt old and ugly. He felt like nobody if he didn't have a shiny new toy. The man didn't know how to love himself; how could he ever love someone as incredible as you?" Lisa brought my hand to her lips.
I inhaled sharply and my eyes watered. "I don't know…" I wanted to believe her, but it was so hard after all the years I'd been stinging from the pain of being so quickly and easily discarded.
"It's true. A man who loves himself knows how to love others. He doesn't base his worth on money or on how others see him. His happiness comes from the inside." Lisa leaned in. "And I'm seriously one joyous bastard." She chuckled. "I thought I saw that in you too. I imagined you knew how to love yourself, and that everything I saw wasn't some practice in revenge."
I blinked back my tears. "I do love myself. And I suppose that's why I'm scared of loving others. It took me a long time to get back to this person you see, to build the life I have."
"Silly Jennie," Lisa murmured. "Don't you know that this life is meaningless without someone to share it with?"
