Guys. So this is basically one long Jily confessional, and I don't know if I'm supposed to admit this, but I cried so much writing it… ENJOY!

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter. Art work by the awesome Meg (tumblr: anxiouspineapples)

Answers

Christmas Holiday, 6th Year

The house-elves had put her stuff in the room right next to James' (Sirius' door was already directly opposite his) and Lily strongly suspected it was at his behest.

The first night there, they'd had a calm yet thoroughly wonderful dinner all together. Dumbledore had finally reappeared by the soup entrée and bid them a hasty adieu saying he didn't want to intrude on Fleamont's quality time with his children. He had pulled Lily aside for a moment and made her solemnly swear that she would not leave the grounds all break until she Flooed back to Hogwarts come January. She'd been desperate for answers, some sort of explanation for all the stealthy behavior, but as soon as she'd made to ask questions, he'd given her a hurried excuse of being late to a very, very important date (!) and fled immediately. She had no idea how someone so powerful could be so strange. She couldn't help but admire him.

When everyone was stuffed, Sirius insisted James hang with him in his room for some sort of annual tradition. James had given Lily an apologetic smile saying he'd visit her after they were done. So Lily found herself lounging on Marlene's queen bed, the pair hearing sporadic explosions coming from down the hall.

"Do you know what they do in there?"

"Nah," Marlene answered. "I stopped trying to find out after 2nd year. They singed off my pigtails when I tried sneaking into the room."

"Well, that's rude."

"Yeah, whatever, we know they can be arses," Marlene said flippantly as she rolled onto her belly, staring at her nails. "Lily, can I ask you something personal?"

Lily propped herself onto her palm. "Shoot."

Not daring to make eye contact, Marlene squeaked, "How did you know you were ready to have sex?"

"Oh," Lily coughed, caught off guard, "um… I'm not sure actually."

Marlene glanced at her. "So it was a spur of the moment sort of thing?"

Lily blushed, thinking about all the times James had ambushed her, in detention and the common room, before they'd finally done the deed. "Not exactly." How could Lily explain this? She wasn't even exactly sure how everything had happened herself. "I just, couldn't wait any longer not trying it, if that makes sense?" She shrugged. James just made me so horny that I was going to combust if I didn't shag him already. "And it turned out I really liked it. Why? Are you thinking about…?"

Marlene sighed, "Yeah." She bit her lip. "I think I really want to."

"Well, that's exciting!" Lily found it weird to be the one dispensing any sort of knowledge on this topic. Mary had always been the one who did stuff with boys first. "So you and Evan haven't yet?"

It was Marlene's turn to blush. "No. I mean, we've done other stuff… And it's all been really great."

Lily giggled. "Oh yes, the infamous, 'other stuff'."

Marlene got even redder. "I just really like him, you know?"

"Yeah." She did. But she also would feel like an absolute shite friend if she didn't bring something up, at least once more. "Look, Marlene, I know you don't want to hear it — but you're positively sure he's not part of Voldemort's gang?" She didn't want to come off as bigoted, but she didn't want them to be naive about things either.

Marlene looked her dead in the eye, all traces of mirth wiped clean from her face. "100 percent. I wouldn't be into him if he were. I know him, Lily. He's a good person. I'd bet my life on it. Hell, I'd bet my whole family's lives on it."

Lily jerked her head back. "Well, don't do that."

"I'm serious. Evan Rosier is a good man."

"Okay." Lily nodded her head. She had no hard evidence on the contrary, just a handful of rumors and the knowledge that he was a Slytherin. "I believe you. Besides, you'll find out before you sleep with him either way."

"Huh?" Marlene looked confused.

"I take it you haven't seen him shirtless yet then?" Lily asked.

"Um, no?"

Lily bit the inside of her cheek. It definitely wasn't the best sign, but who knew, maybe not everyone was as obsessed with abs as she was. Maybe it was less of a matter of Rosier avoiding taking his shirt off because he had something to hide and more of Marlene simply not demandingit yet. Maybe not everyone is banging James Potter with his perfect, fit, bod… "Well, once you do, you'll get to see if he's a Death Eater or not," Lily explained. "They all have an ugly-ass skull and snake tattoo on their forearms."

"What?!" Marlene exclaimed. "You're joking."

"I wish I was."

"Why?! I mean, that's so stupid."

"Yup."

"So you're telling me," Marlene continued, waiting for Lily to yell 'just kidding!' at any moment, "that people involved in the one of the most hateful, violent, and illegal gangs in the world right now mark themselves as part of that gang?"

"Uh-huh."

"Are they idiots?"

"I mean, yeah, kinda," Lily mused.

"Merlin! Well, isn't it super easy to catch them all then? Like, we should be looking at everyone's arms in class, making sure there are no psychos lurking about the halls."

"Well, I'm already sure about Avery and Snape. But who knows how many more there are. Would help if the dress code didn't have us in long sleeves."

"How to catch a predator: enforce sluttier dress codes." Lily didn't stop laughing at Marlene's joke for a solid minute. After Lily had settled, it turned out Marlene had another question for her. "What about you? I mean, I know we're in James' house, and you guys are clearly having a ton of sex," Lily's eyes widened but it wasn't like she could refute it, "but… what's going on exactly? Because I see you also hanging out with Adam…? And he's really attractive and clearly smitten with you too. So, do you still not know?"

Lily took her pillow and brought it over her face, clearly hiding. "Mmyh Eh Nh."

Marlene tried to pull the pillow off of her mouth. "What was that?"

Lily lowered it so she was no longer muffled but only her eyes peeked out as she clung to the fluffy feathers desperately. She felt like such a girl — and she kind of dug it. "Yeah, I know."

Marlene shook her. "Well?!" she asked impatiently.

Lily knew she was probably as red as a fire engine. "It's always been James."

Marlene threw her head back with a bark of laughter. "What?! You still like him?"

"Shut up!" Lily tossed the pillow at the blonde's face. "He's right down the hall!" she whispered anxiously.

Marlene took the pillow and added it under her chest. "Like that matters. He's been crazy about you since the moment he first saw you."

"That's not true…" Lily brushed off.

Marlene rolled her eyes. "Merlin, come off it. Everyone knows that. You must know that. Even when Brianna was dating him, she knew that. Why do you think she wouldn't shut up about him every chance you were around? It was like she was pissing on her tree." Marlene shrugged. "I thought you were just stringing him along now to be honest. Like exclusively for sex." Lily must have made a face, because she continued, "I wasn't judging. He's treated you awfully for a while now, more power to you if you just wanted a good shag-buddy."

Lily took a deep breath. "Yeah. Do you think I'm stupid though? For falling for someone who treated me like that?"

Marlene studied her. "Honestly? No. I get it, he put on this whole sort of bad boy charm. It's an utter farce of course," Marlene said like it was obvious. "He's the biggest goof, how can he at all be a bad boy? An asshole, sure, but a bad boy?" She snorted. "But maybe I'm biased. Anyway, I could see how that would be sexy though."

Lily felt the overwhelming need to defend herself. "That's the thing though, I liked him before he started being a dick. It's like I still like him, despite whatever he's got going on now."

Marlene's face scrunched in contemplation. "Oh." She took a beat. "Does he know that?"

"Well, no—"

"Okay, Lily, well then you gotta tell him that!" Marlene was on a roll.

"You think?" Lily asked shyly, already nervous about the inevitable moment when she would.

"Yes! Come on, you know boys can be totally daft! For all we know, maybe he's keeping up the facade just because he thinks that's what you like." Marlene let out a scoff. "Wouldn't be a stretch, I mean, isn't that when you guys started… doing whatever it is that you're doing?"

Lily was torn between pulling the pillow out from under Marlene and hitting her with it again and kissing her for her insight.

There was a soft knocking on Lily's door that night as she sat in her bed, writing in her diary. "Come in!" Her hopes were immediately met when she saw a messy mop of hair poke in.

"Hey."

"Hey," Lily replied softly, smiling as James closed the door behind him.

"I swear this isn't a booty call. Sirius and I just got a little carried away." His eyes drifted. "Then again, I made that ridiculous claim before I saw you in this nightgown."

Lily grinned proudly. She'd totally packed the silky ocean blue number for him. When she'd picked it out at the end of the summer, she dared to dream she'd have a reason to wear it eventually. "That's good, because you practically bought it." She snapped her notebook closed.

James' eyebrows shot up his forehead. "Me?" He walked to her and scooted up the bed, settling beside her. His fingers confidently trailed along one of the delicate straps. "Hogwash. I think I'd remember purchasing this for you, Evans."

Goosebumps made their way over her skin. "Fine, your aversion to doing maths when buying beer this summer bought it for me."

He smiled wickedly. "What can I say? I'm bad with numbers."

"Uh huh." Lily eyed him skeptically. She happened to know he was actually great with numbers. "Want to play a game?"

James smirked. "Always. But can I show you something first?"

Lily shrugged. "Okay."

James bit his tongue between his teeth as he pulled out his wand. "Relax, you'll like this one." He said a fancy incantation towards the wall in front of them, making the surface glow bright purple before returning back to its previous pale green. "Go touch it," he encouraged.

Lily looked at him extremely warily. "What?"

"Go on," he said, pushing her forward by the butt. Lily had no doubt he was just using this as an excuse to touch her. "Don't be a chicken."

"I'm not a chicken, Potter. I just don't want to be trapped in some alternate reality for the rest of my life."

James rolled his eyes. "Why would I send you to an alternative reality if I wasn't already there? Just go touch it." She tiptoed to directly in front of the wall then shot him one last look over her shoulder. "Merlin, Lily, I didn't have to try to convince you this hard to touch my—"

Lily took a bold step forward towards the wall, but instead of hitting it as she assumed she would, she felt her body being sucked through it like it was warm butter. When she opened her eyes, she was very much standing in James' room. Oh my god… She laughed to herself, shaking her head. Oh, he absolutely would do this. Her eyes roamed the deep red room curiously. It was almost exactly how she remembered it in 4th year: family portraits, Marauder selfies, Quidditch posters… She wasn't sure why, but the discovery completely threw her. He'd changed so much in two years, she was so sure his room would have reflected that somehow.

Before she turned back, a silver frame on his nightstand caught her eye. The closer she got, the louder her heartbeat thudded in her ears. It was a picture of her, laughing shyly before covering her face with her hands in an endless loop. She vaguely remembered that day: it had been the end of 4th year, and James had stolen his dad's Wizard's camera to take a bunch of pictures 'to get him through the summer.' He'd acted like it was all about taking good shots of Hogwarts — his 'home' — but then while they were by the Great Lake he had unexpectedly turned the camera on her. She'd thought he was just goofing around, capturing a final throwaway shot at the end of his roll, not that he'd ever get her photo developed. And framed.

She returned through the wall, her heart all but bursting.

"Oh, thank Merlin," James rushed out in one breath, slouching onto his palms while he was perched on the edge of her mattress. "I thought maybe I had sent you to another dimension. Was about to write Padfoot a sappy goodbye letter and everything."

Lily smirked walking back to him. "Please. Like you'd abandon your boyfriend like that."

James reached for her, pulling Lily between his knees as he grinned up at her. "Well, I know you couldn't possibly live in a world without me, so I think I'd have to."

Lily swatted at his chest, but James caught her wrist and held it there, right against his brilliantly beating heart.

His eyes shone brightly. "So, what do you think?" he asked genuinely.

"About?" The word nearly got stuck in her throat.

James shook his head like he was ready to admonish her pitiful attention span, but the pleased curve of his lips told a different story. He brought her caught hand to his mouth and kissed the inside of her wrist. "About that magic wall I just spent far too long researching to give us an easy, foolproof way to sneak around with each other this Christmas."

His lips moved sensually up her forearm.

Lily tried to ignore them. "This is what you were doing when you were supposed to be studying for exams?" she asked breathlessly.

He gave her a wink. "This and you of course."

Lily would never get over the unfairness of how smart he was without even trying. However, the sexy look he was giving her was making it easier to forget in this current moment.

"Besides," he wrapped his arms around her hips, "you know I've always been more into practical magic than theory. Not all of us can over-analyze everything like you."

Lily snorted. "Well… how does it work?"

James laughed. "You just can't help yourself, can you? The spell has the same origin as the one they used on Platform 9 3/4. I can show you later if you'd like."

Lily cocked an eyebrow as she rested her forearms onto his broad shoulders. "You know I'm not going to let you keep this up right?"

James pouted theatrically. "And why not?"

"Because: privacy, independence, this is your dad's house."

"Okay, ignoring that silly last one because I know you wouldn't last three weeks either, don't lie, I knew you'd say that, so hear me out. Pineapple," he said firmly, making the wall briefly glow purple again behind her. "All you have to do is say our safe word, and it seals itself back up! It won't become a passageway again until whoever said the safe word says it again. Pineapple."

"That sounds like a great way to desensitize us to our safe word. Pineapple."

James narrowed his eyes at her, reflecting the blazing purple. "Hm. Well, if you'd rather have me get mercilessly mocked every morning when Sirius catches me doing the walk of shame — because he will make it his mission to catch us, mark my words — that's on you." Morning. Every morning. Lily's mind raced at his words. They'd never actually had a sleepover… was she weird to be a little nervous about the prospect? Honestly Lily, he's taken you in nearly every position that you're aware exists, but sleeping together, actually sleeping, is what freaks you out? As if watching her minor freakout, James continued. "So, what's this game you wanted to play?"

Lily smiled innocently and jumped up onto the bed, resting her head on a pillow and motioning for him to do the same. "You ever played Twenty Questions?"

"No, but I think I catch the gist. Can I ask twenty too, or is it 50/50?"

"You can too."

"All right." James adjusted his head on a pillow. Their bodies were facing the ceiling, but their faces were turned to each other. "Ladies first."

"What were you and Sirius doing just now?" She figured she'd start with an easy one.

James chuckled. "I'm guessing I have to tell the truth to these questions?"

Lily snorted. "Naturally. And don't even try lying, I can always tell."

"What?" James asked, his brows twitching. "What do you mean?"

"You're a terrible liar. Always have been."

James jerked his head back. "That's not true! I'm an amazing liar! Ask any teacher."

"Bullshit. I can always tell. Your face gets weird."

James' lids went wide. "Does not! How does it get weird?"

Lily blushed a little. "I don't know, you look… different. I don't know how to describe it, but you just look off. And then I know you're lying."

His eyes flickered between hers. "Evans, that makes absolutely no sense. If you can tell when I'm lying, why do you never believe me?"

It was a great question. Lily deflected it. "Hey now, it's my turn. Wait for your own."

James chuckled and answered, "Every year, we start planning our pranks for the next semester our first day back to get the ball rolling. Believe it or not, they often require a lot of tinkering. And my dad's a lot more forgiving of a blown out wall than McGonagall is. We may or may not know that for a fact."

Lily's eyes twinkled merrily. "Do you know that for a fact?"

He smiled roguishly. "Yes. But you stole my turn."

"Oops."

"Okay… what to ask, what to ask…"

"Really, Potter? You got nothing?" she teased.

"No Evans, I have too many questions, and I don't want to waste a single one. You're down to seventeen by the way." Lily opened her mouth to protest, but James cut her off. "I got one: may I ask you hard questions?"

Huh. She hadn't expected that. "You're wasting a question asking what type of questions you can ask?"

"It's not a waste to me. Please answer."

Lily sighed. "Yes, you may."

"Is your favorite color still blue?"

Lily couldn't help but burst out laughing. "That was your tough question?"

James relished in her amusement. "No, but I can't just jump right in, can I? You know I like a little foreplay."

Lily stuck her tongue out. "Yes, Potter. It's still blue. How did you even know that?"

"I pay attention. Now," he grinned as Lily realized she had indeed spent her turn, "how do I get you to trust me again?"

Woof. If I only knew the answer to that. "U-um," she stuttered as his gaze never left her. She could hardly manage to speak; why was he so enthralled? "I'm not sure." She looked back at him; his gorgeous, otherworldly irises being all she could see. Suddenly she knew. "Just, keep doing what you're doing," she breathed. "Show me that I can."

He nodded, the ghost of a smile on his lips. "I can do that."

Oy. How was this game turning into the hardest thing she'd done all semester, that damn Transfiguration exam included? "What's your favorite color?"

His nose crinkled as he smiled widely. "Red."

"Like your room."

His gaze darted quickly to her hair and back. "Sure."

"Your turn."

"I'll give you another one, since that one was weak," James taunted.

"I literally asked the same one you did!" Lily argued. James opened his mouth, but Lily wasn't stubborn enough to miss this opportunity. "Do you think your dad liked me?"

James' eyes softened instantly. "Are you kidding me? He loved you. I haven't seen him light up like that in months."

Lily let out a sigh of relief. "Okay, I just wasn't sure, since he didn't remember me right afterwards."

A strange look overtook James' face. "Don't take that personally. He's been that way ever since my mum died."

Lily nodded. She felt like seeing his father had answered so many questions she had about him and Sirius. It turned out that they were two 16 year old boys (well, I guess Sirius is 17 now) with zero supervision. It made some sense that they were pushing boundaries left and right, trying to stir up some form of reaction. She silently wondered if this was how McGonagall had basically become their new, extremely respected, stepmom at school. It seemed as though she meant a hell of a lot more to them than your average teacher, even if they made it weird sometimes.

"Is there anything I can do to please you more?"

Lily almost died with that question. What on Merlin's green earth does he think? Does he think it's normal for a girl to come every single time, hell, MULTIPLE times each session?! "No!" Lily practically shouted.

James bit his lip and looked over her body presumptuously. She guessed he'd earned that look. "I love that you took that question sexually."

Holy shit, he didn't specify, did he? "How do you know I was answering it sexually?"

He snorted. "Please, Evans. You may know if I'm lying, apparently, but I know when you're horny. It's really not that hard to tell."

"How?"

"That an official question? You're already halfway through…"

"Am not!" Lily had definitely not been counting.

"Fine, ask another," he said casually.

Lily looked over his form, clad in a navy blue shirt and grey sweatpants. Why was seeing him in something so casual so erotic? The pants were baggy for Circe's sake! "How many people have you slept with?" She knew it was personal as shit — but she would be lying if the question hadn't been plaguing her for months.

James let out a nervous laugh, looking down at his own chest. "I was wondering when that one would come up."

"Sorry," Lily said half-heartedly. It was very much said in a, 'I apologize, but please answer as soon as possible,' sort of way.

His eyes snapped to her. "You're my third."

"What?! No, but everyone says—"

"They're just rumors, Lily. I'm pretty sure you know all about those."

"But—" Lily's mind was reeling. She'd heard so many girls talk… she'd heard stories. "What? Why didn't you stop them then, if they were all so wrong?"

"By doing what exactly? Should I have made an announcement in the Great Hall? 'Hi everyone! I know you've heard I'm a huge stud, but as it turns out, I am a stud, just not quite that much of one. Please revise your impressions accordingly'?"

Lily pushed both her eyeballs into her skull, fulling lying on her back. "I can't believe you."

"Sure you can." She didn't have to see him to know he was doing his cocky, slanted smile. "It's not like it was hurting my reputation. But I am glad to know you think I'm sexy enough to seduce the entire school."

"You're the worst."

"No I'm not Evans. Haven't you heard? Apparently I'm the best anyone's ever had."

"I know where you sleep Potter. And thanks to you, I have easy access in, so I could kill you quite easily."

"Again with the violence! Evans, you're starting to worry me over here!" he joked. "But yeah," he took a vulnerable inflection, "it turns out most girls aren't really down to sleep with a guy still actively asking out another woman all the time."

She didn't have to ask to know that she was said woman. By the time exams rolled around in 5th year, she couldn't go anywhere without one of his date propositions being thrown her way. And you thought they were all in jest…

"Who was the second? I obviously know about Brianna," she grumbled.

"You sure you want to use another question—?"

"Yes. Tell me."

James smirked. "Emmeline Vance."

"What?" Lily asked, honestly more impressed than jealous. "Last year's Head Girl? While you were a 5th year?"

James shrugged haughtily. "What can I say? Older women love me." Lily poked him in the ribs but it did little to deter him. "She was super stressed all the time and just wanted an outlet and I was more than happy to be her stress-ball."

Lily grimaced. "Ugh."

"She also didn't care if I wasn't interested in something romantic because she really wasn't either. It was awesome. Mutually respectful. Great witch."

"I'll be sure to let her know." Lily crossed her arms over her chest petulantly. The envy had snuck in with his high praise for someone who wasn't her. "And you said only I was attracted to titles…"

James slid closer to her, nudging her hip. "Come on now, don't get jealous. You asked!"

It was true. But she could still be somewhat jealous. "I'm not jealous."

"You know something I love about you?" Lily couldn't help but snap her face to him. He must be aware of how his words affected her so. "Your blush. It never lies to me."

Fucking traitorous pale skin.

"What's your favorite breakfast?" he asked out of nowhere.

"Crêpes with dark brown sugar. Why?" For a second, Lily truly had forgotten they were playing a game.

James gave her an odd look. "Really? Not with chocolate?"

"I don't always eat chocolate, James. That would hardly be a well-balanced breakfast, now would it?"

James rolled his eyes. "Better an unbalanced one than none at all. And please, you and Remus both use that stuff to self-medicate like crazy."

He did have a point. That shit is good. "Well, maybe I don't need as much of it anymore because I'm happy."

His face shifted to serious. "Are you?" he asked hopefully.

She smiled at him shyly, as if admitting to an enormous secret. "Yes. I think I am." They stared at each other for a long beat, perfectly content, until Lily had to giggle away. She felt so damn silly. "Okay, let's go back to that horny thing—"

"Evans! We were having a moment!"

"It's my question! How do you know?"

"Your eyes," he sighed exasperatedly. "You have the most expressive eyes of anyone I've ever met. Doesn't hurt that they're all bright and beautiful and doe-sized." They both blushed at this, and Lily felt herself melting. He continued as if to cover for his admission, "So yeah, you just start eye-fucking me."

"I should never have taught you that."

"I'm so glad you did. Shows some real trust."

"You're a prat." That earned her another half-smile and a wink.

"Okay, hard one," he warned. "What did you see when you encountered the Boggart? I couldn't tell."

Lily looked back up to the ceiling. She didn't think she'd be this acquainted with it on her first night at Potter manor. At least not like this… "Ah. Yeah." James' hand crept closer over the sheets, interlocking pinkies with her and soothing her worries. He made her feel safe. "It was nothingness. Just… complete blackness." She exhaled deeply. "Couldn't see, hear, or feel anything. It was fucking terrifying." He turned on his side to fully face her. "I think it was trying to represent my own depression. Showing me what I was scared it would do to me. You know, totally take over every facet of my life."

"I'm glad it didn't."

She rolled over to him, not breaking their pinkies. "Me too."

"I was scared," James whispered.

"What?"

His eyes were so true, roving over her face. "I was scared it would take you too. Fuck Lily, I was so scared." Lily's brows creased, but he reached out with his free hand and smoothed them out with his thumb. He looked like he wanted to say more, but held himself back.

"I'm sorry." And she was. She'd never been aware just how much pain her pain had caused him.

His hand migrated to cup her cheek, his thumb gently stroking away. "Don't be. I'm glad you're back."

She gave him a small smile. "My turn." Oh, she was going to work up the nerve, she was, she was, she just needed a couple more easier questions first. "Did you pay for my books this year?" James' whole body froze, except for his nose which scrunched awkwardly. "I'm not mad," Lily clarified, "if you did…"

"You're not?" James asked, still visibly scared for her possible oncoming reaction.

"No. I mean, it's embarrassing, but I really needed them. So thank you."

His body reanimated. "It shouldn't be embarrassing. No 16 year old should have been under as much pressure as you were. I just wanted to help."

Her eyes flickered to his lips. Oh how she wanted to kiss him, but she knew that would effectively end their game, and she wasn't done yet. "Thank you. You sneaky bastard."

"Of course. Thanks for not getting mad."

"Anytime," Lily laughed. She'd really done a number on him, hadn't she?

"How do you truly feel about me?"

"Pineapple," Lily spat out without thinking, and then was immediately overtaken with deep shame. Why are you like this? She mentally kicked herself. She could feel him tearing her walls down brick by brick, and he was doing so, so perfectly, but it was still just so much. And she felt like she had to cave in increments. "Sorry," her eyes implored him in anguish, "not yet."

Somehow he understood. "Okay," he said simply. Lily suddenly had the feeling that he already knew anyway; he just wanted to hear her say it. Maybe he wants me to embrace it like he has. "Can I ask how it was so easy for you to cut me out of your life last year instead?"

If anyone else had asked, she may have sensed tension, or acrimony, in these words. But with James, she didn't. She could tell he genuinely wanted to know. His unspoken message seemed to be, 'Because it hurt like hell for me.' "It wasn't easy," she admitted sadly. "It was so fucking hard."

"Then why'd you do it?"

"James," she sighed, "I already told you: you broke my heart. I was the girl you'd rejected. It would have been extra sad if I just stayed around and waited for you to change your mind." She let out a wretched laugh, trying not to cry. "I really thought you were playing me afterwards. I didn't get it…" she trailed off. She still didn't 'get it.' She knew what to ask: "What did your Boggart mean?" It all has to come down to fear… doesn't it?

James chewed on his lip for a beat, pulling his glasses off and placing them behind him on her nightstand, buying himself some time. They were close enough on the pillows that he could still see her perfectly. "I… my whole life, everyone's told me I'm just like my father, I'm just like my father. It's always seemed so silly to me, because he was always so serious and a Head Boy and what not… But then," he swallowed heavily, "when my mum got sick… I saw what they meant." His beautiful irises shied away from her to their clasped fingers. "You know she got cancer."

"Yes." She pulsed his pinky supportively.

"Well, I don't think I ever told you how it was treatable." He drew in a big, shaky breath. "Or, at least, it would have been. She'd been feeling 'under the weather' for months and months, but whenever my dad wanted to take her to Mungo's, to get it checked out, she'd insist she was fine. She must have told us 'I'm fine' like a hundred times." Lily got a queasy feeling in her stomach; she hated how well she knew that phrase. "But obviously she wasn't. By the time she collapsed, it had metastasized all over her body." Her pinky didn't feel comforting enough, so she brought her left hand over to rub his forearm. He let out a sad snort. "They could have still saved her too, or at least tried too. The magic was there, but it was going to be really grueling and painful. And she didn't want it." He ran his hand through his hair, still staring at a spot he couldn't actually see. "And my dad let her. My dad let her give up, knowing he couldn't live without her, and that I co— he let her—" James choked on the words, his eyes glistening with the tears he was trying desperately to hold back. Lily snuggled closer to kiss his shoulder, feeling completely hopeless to lessen his heartache. "So yeah. A little part of me blames him. Because he loved her too much, because he didn't insist she do everything." A lone tear slid down his cheek. "And… I know I am just like him. Same sappy sort of prat who would do anything for love, even if it kills me." James rubbed his face dry, forcing a chuckle. "So I guess that terrifies me."

What could she even say to that? How could she comfort him? What could she do?

James let out a long, jagged stream of air from his lungs, piercing the silence. "I guess that's why I step over boundaries sometimes. Just seeing you like… how you were earlier, it just sort of triggered me, you know? I couldn't lose anyone else."

The wobble of his voice was stabbing at her heart, making her crumble too. "You're not going to lose me, James."

"You didn't—" he tried. "You didn't see yourself, Lily." His brows creased as he fought his tears again. "It was like I already did. You weren't eating, you didn't look like you were sleeping. I felt like when you fought with me was the only time I knew you were even still there. I had to fight with you, I had to piss you off. Because at least when you were angry, I knew you hadn't given up yet. When you were yelling and screaming at me, I knew I hadn't lost you yet. You don't know how scared I was last year, Lily. You just walked around like a complete fucking zombie. I was afraid you were going to kill yourself." They both let the weight of his words hit them. Hard. "I didn't know how to help you, and… and you already hated me." He looked down, broken. "So I really didn't have that many options."

An icy fist was clenching around Lily's heart. "Please don't worry about me," she whispered, flush against him now. "Please."

He let out a pitiful laugh. "I'm always going to worry about you, Lily. Always." James reached out and buried his hand in her hair, pulling her forehead against his. "You're fucking stuck with me." Lily let out a little laugh, clutching his wrist at her face. "I missed you so much," he whispered. And then he kissed her, like it was literally the only possible thing he could do in that moment.

After the kiss, Lily pulled back slightly, gasping for air, fully crying herself now. "Christ," she muttered. She quickly brought his hand to her lips, trying to show him she wasn't pulling away from him. A girl just needs to breathe sometimes.

James summoned a blanket and wrapped it around them. Lily smiled at the Snitch patterns, zooming about lazily as he tucked it behind her back lovingly. "Sorry that was a lot," he mumbled.

"No," she answered right away, making him look at her. "It wasn't. I needed to hear all that."

"Want to ask your twenty-third question?" he asked innocently.

Lily snorted. "Of course you counted, Mr I'm-so-bad-with-numbers."

James shrugged. "Maybe I'm only good when I want to be."

A devilish grin overtook Lily's face. "Oh, I believe that."

"Naughty. Always making it sexual, Evans."

"You bring it out of me, Potter." Lily snuggled closer into him. "Okay, how'd you get your scars?"

"Which scars? I'm perfectly flawless."

Lily rolled her eyes, bringing her fingers up to the corner of his eye. "That one," she dragged her hand to the hem of his shirt and yanked it over to reveal his collarbone, "and that one."

James looked pleased she'd been paying this close attention to his physique. "The eyelid is from a spell we tried gone wrong—" he flinched in surprise when Lily perched up and gave him a light kiss on the spot, "— and this one is from Quidditch. I got hit by a Bludger, nasty break, but I refused to see the healer right away until we won. Hence by the time she fixed it, it left a scar." He was ready for Lily's lips brushing up against his sensitive skin this time.

"They're hot." Lily winked.

"Well, don't tell me that. Now I'm just going to go and try to get more—"

"No," Lily demanded. "Absolutely not. Please don't do that."

"Only because you asked nicely." They were wrapped around each other so tightly now that Lily wasn't sure where she ended and he began. How was this night one of holidays? She was so screwed. "Can I ask you a final question?" he breathed.

Lily kissed his chin. "I bet you're just as over the limit as I am, but sure."

He pushed some of her hair back, his fingers tracing the entire length of her ear delicately. "What's the question you've been trying to ask me this whole game?"

Fuck. Lily stared at him, warm and too good to be true right up against her. She was his and he was hers, just as they'd always been. Just as they'd always be. Maybe he was right: maybe he really did know her better than she knew herself. Clearly, he'd seen her struggle to ask him something she desperately needed an answer to. It felt so selfish to bring it up now though, after everything he'd just confessed. After all the tears they'd shed. She didn't want to ruin the moment, she didn't want—

"Please?" His voice cut through all her inner musings.

I can do this. It's just a question. It doesn't define my entire existence or anything. "Why did you pull away after our first date?"

Lily felt his whole body relax against hers. It was like she had finally given him the chance to explain himself after years of him trying. He kissed her forehead before he began, lips lingering there in anticipation. He pulled back, looking her dead in the eye so she wouldn't miss a word. "Lily, I was scared I was falling in love with you." Holy shit. "We were only 15, and I could see my whole life with you and it fucking scared the shit out of me. I knew it was too much too fast; I knew it was too intense." Lily knew she wasn't breathing anymore, but honestly, she no longer cared. Fuck oxygen. "But Lily, I'm not that boy any longer and I know what I want now. I'm not scared of it anymore. "

She leaned forward to kiss him, hoping her body could give him all the reassurance that she was on the same page as him that her words couldn't quite say yet. She hoped he could feel her soul, clambering to be with him, from the way she kissed him. She wanted this so badly. She wanted him. He told you he's falling in love with you…

When they finally broke free, James held her chin to him, this thumb tugging on her swollen lower lip. "We should play games more often, Lily. I sure like where they bring us."

She laughed. "These kind of games, sure," she whispered. She wasn't sure if she'd ever felt closer to another human being.

"Lily, can we please break rule four tonight?" Lily gave him the cutest dazed look, so he added, "It's the one about no cuddling."

Lily nodded, pretending like she was really giving him a win here. (She knew there was currently nothing she wanted more.) "Yeah. Yeah, okay, I guess just for one night."

James grinned pulling her under his chin and tangling his legs with hers under the blanket. It wasn't until James' breathing had fallen into a rhythmic, slow pace and she was convinced he was asleep that Lily uttered a barely audible, "I love you."

It wasn't until Lily gave him a small kick, and James was absolutely positive that she was asleep that he allowed himself a huge smile.

Next Chapter: Merry Fucking Christmas