Tilma handed Vilkas and me everything we needed—a bucket of water, a mop, some cloth, and a scrubber. Moping in a tavern would be better, I complained, watching Vilkas' grimace as she handed him his supplies.
"This place better be spotless when I get back, you hear?" Tilma said. We both nodded and set to work, not wanting to upset the older woman further.
The old woman left us to it, the disappointment on her face clear as the mess we made. She wasn't the only one who was disappointed. I wiped off the sticky remnants of food off the floor, remembering the Harbinger's reaction to my fight with Vilkas. Kodlak hadn't yelled or made a scene. He sighed, ordered us to clean it up so Tilma didn't have to, then told us to come see him when we finished. My gut tightened. Kodlak's calmness made it worse. He expected better from me, didn't he?That explained why the memory of his dismayed grey eyes hurt.
Vilkas and I spent our time cleaning in deafening silence. I watched as he mopped the remnants of food, wearing his perpetual scowl. If I weren't in the same position as he was, I would laugh at the sight of a mighty Companion with a mop. For all of my talk of being no one's errand girl, I demoted myself to a maid. It wasn't the first time since I started cleaning, I questioned if using my Thu'um was worth it.
For a moment, I felt the slightest shred of guilt. Maybe it was because I shouldn't have abused my Thu'um the way I did, or because I understood that no matter how shitty Vilkas was, I had to get along with him too.
"Do you want me to take over mopping so you can reset the table?" I asked him.
"No," he answered, focusing on his mopping.
"It'll go quicker that way."
"I don't need your help."
And with that, my short-lived regret vanished. I should have used the full extent of "Unrelenting Force" on him to send him flying across the mead hall when I had the chance. The image was enough to soothe over my annoyance.
But how long can we keep this up for?If I became part of the Companions, what happened then? Tiptoeing around Vilkas wasn't the answer; neither was using my Thu'um whenever he annoyed me, as tempting as it was. There was no way we could fight as shield-siblings if we were at each other's throats, our tempers threatening to explode without warning.
Once the hall was spotless, we made our way to Kodlak, who held a book in his hands. Before he set it down, I read the name off of the spine—Uncommon Curses: Myth and Medicine. Rumors floated around Jorrvaskr that the old man was unwell, but no one spoke about it. The book confirmed my experience, many people who were ill assumed they were cursed. Ill or not, I never took Kodlak for someone who was superstitious. Then again, I never thought it was my place to ask those questions. I should have. At least I would have done something good before I left.
"You're done dealing with the mess?" Kodlak asked.
"Aye," Vilkas answered, and I nodded in agreement.
"Good. Let's discuss how brashly you've both acted. You boy. I'm ashamed of you," Kodlak said, and I saw Vilkas blanch.
"Master…"
"Don't 'Master' me. You might be a member of the Circle, but you've been as reckless as a recruit. Snooping around, prying into others' business is not behavior fitting a Companion, and neither is your attitude towards the newest recruit."
"Wait, how do you know about…"
"Don't think that because I'm in my quarters, I don't know what you're up to, son. I still have eyes and ears in this place, and it'll be that way until Arkay takes me."
"I'm sorry," Vilkas said, a slight tremble in his voice. He wasn't sorry about his behavior towards me. That was too much to ask. I was grateful that Kodlak was setting him straight, but he cared more about disappointing Kodlak than apologizing to me.
"I'm not the one you owe an apology to."
"But I won't accept an apology just to appease the Harbinger. I'd rather you said nothing if you don't mean it," I said.
If he had any regret over his actions, it didn't show. When he turned his gaze upon me, he was as proud and arrogant as he ever was. It was the look that reminded me why I used my Thu'um.
"It's not like you're sorry about using your Thu'um on me," Vilkas said.
"And how do youknow that?"
"Are you sorry?" Kodlak asked. It wasn't an accusation or a mocking question, more like genuine curiosity.
"I'm not sure anymore," I said, throwing my hands up in defeat. "I'd love to tell you I'm guilty, Harbinger. It was a misuse of my Thu'um, but your shield-brother's behavior has been less than welcoming. He's distrusted me since the first day."
"You've been mistrustful too," Vilkas said.
I let out a harsh laugh and shook my head. "Are you this obsessed with the fact I neglected to mention I'm the Dragonborn? I didn't mention it because it's not important."
"But if it wasn't important, why did you hide it?" Kodlak asked.
Old words came back to me, as did a familiar face. Those blue eyes were my own, rimmed with dark circles, always bloodshot, the light extinguished from them. This world will demand your attention. Its weight will break you, and you will have no choice but to comply. Do you understand, girl? We don't choose what we are.My father spoke those words a decade ago, and they still haunted me.
For a moment, I felt like a girl standing in front of my father, trying to justify my feelings. I struggled to find my voice, reminding myself that this was different. This had to be different.
"I…" I started, but my voice came out too soft, so I cleared my throat. "Like I told Farkas, I want my actions to speak for themselves."
I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to ignore the way my legs were shaking. My father wasn't a terrible man, yet he had a knack for saying the worst things. He called it honesty, and so did my mother. Something he told me as a girl shouldn't make the tears prickle behind my lids. It shouldn't make me come apart near two Companions.
"Anyhow," I breathed out, breaking the silence, "there are no dragons, so there is no need for the Dragonborn. I'm just me."
I tried to read Vilkas and Kodlak's expressions, but found no solace. I grimaced. So this was the end of my journey with the Companions. It stung, but my father was right—we didn't get to choose what we were. The Divines hadn't wanted me to take on this life. I could go back to being an adventurer, or a healer if the jobs were scarce.
Before I went, I admitted, "I've been reckless and dishonest. I didn't choose to be the Dragonborn, but I chose the Companions. I hoped that would mean something. If I'm no longer welcomed, I'll see myself out."
"I didn't ask you to go, my girl," Kodlak said, his voice firm but gentle. His grey eyes were kinder than I expected. "Now, you're free to go if you'd like, but that's not what you want."
"It isn't."
"Then listen to me. When Jarl Balgruuf told me of a woman who took down a dragon, it amazed me. When you came to Jorrvaskr, I expected you would continue to do great things. Instead, you allowed your future shield-siblings to order you around. You've seen to putting them in your place and I won't take that away from you. However, no matter how justified, I can't condone such actions. You understand that?"
"I do, Harbinger," I said, lowering my head. "Please forgive me."
"This isn't a question of forgiveness, girl. I expected better from you. I still expect it."
My head snapped up at these words. Did that mean I could stay at Jorrvaskr? Wait, worse. Why was I hoping for the outcome I wanted? Speak your case, a voice at the back of my mind urged.
"If you allow me to stay, I will be better," I promised.
"You both need to be better," Kodlak stressed. "Understand that if you keep up such behavior, there is no future with the Companions."
"But…" Vilkas interjected, and Kodlak raised his hand.
"Even you. We are all equal. I won't force you two to get along, but you will learn how to respect one another. That means offering her training instead of delegating it to your brother, Vilkas. And you, Anyaie. I've heard you've done excellent work since you've arrived, but that isn't enough. Keep your temper in check and learn how to work with the others. Are we clear?"
"We are," I said.
"Aye."
"Good, you're both dismissed."
The old man didn't waste time picking up his book again. My gaze lingered on him for a moment. What does he have that makes him spend so much time amongst books?A part of me wanted to ask if there was something I could do. I assumed the old man didn't want anyone prodding into his business, yet alone a disappointing whelp. I stopped myself from taking that step towards him, deciding to follow Vilkas up the stairs to the hall instead.
Soon enough, Kodlak's illness started mattering little—he was giving us another chance. He was giving meanother chance. The relief crashed over me. So I wouldn't have to pack my things and head back to Breezehome. I still had a chance at becoming a Companion. This time, I promised I wouldn't disappoint him. If he believed in me, I would make it so I merited that faith. Wait, did I even thank him?I wondered.
Thoughts of Kodlak left me when we made it into the banquet hall. When we made it to the banquet hall, Tilma awaited both of us, her arms crossed. Vilkas frowned at her, showing a rare glimmer of remorse.
"I'm sorry for the mess," Vilkas said.
"You should be! We haven't had a mess this bad since Torvar stumbled into the hearth and almost set the place on fire. Oblivion, Njada and Athis have never left this much destruction! What were you two thinking?"
"We weren't," I answered.
"Well, it's about time you two start thinking, or putting your differences aside.
"Tilma, not now," Vilkas implored.
"Oh? Not now?" Tilma asked, putting her hands on her hips. "Then when? When you two are at each other's throats and one of you spills blood? I've been in this hall for many years, boy, and I've seen what happens when two shield-siblings don't get along."
"She isn't a shield-sibling, and there's no guarantee she'll ever become one."
"You damn well know she will! How many have given up at this point, or worse, gotten themselves killed? The sooner you admit that she's here to stay, the quicker you can get your head unstuck from up your prideful ass, boy!"
A smirk twitched at my lips. This was the wrong move. Tilma turned her anger at me, her dark eyes blazing with unrestrained rage.
"And you!" she snapped. "If you ever use your Thu'um and ruin my table again, Iwill haul you out of Jorrvaskr myself! Do you understand?"
"I do. Sorry," I said.
"Good. If you'll excuse me, I'm setting off to make dinner again."
She stormed to the kitchen, leaving Vilkas and I to ourselves. Kodlak and Tilma's words echoed in my mind. It was easy getting wrapped up in the Harbinger's reproach, but he directed those words at both of us. Tilma did too. They both saw something in Vilkas I never got to see. Perhaps it was time I did.
All that didn't justify his actions, or change how much I disliked him. He still owed me an apology, but I knew better than to hold my breath. Grudges would get us nowhere, and bad blood always spilled like wine from a goblet. We needed to learn how to move forward and tolerate each other. He wouldn't make the first move; he was too prideful for that. It fell on me.
"They're right," I said.
He turned to me, not scowling as he so often did. He looked weary. "We're not going through this, new blood. I'm not training you and I'm asking you to stay out of my path."
"Oh, for fuck's sake. You don't have to train me if you don't want to, but tell me what I've done to you." Just as he opened his mouth in, I cut in. "Apart from my Thu'um."
"I don't trust you. Satisfied?"
"Fine, but why? Because I didn't say I was Thane of Whiterun, or Dragonborn? Those aren't good enough reasons, Vilkas."
"No," he admitted, as if realizing it himself.
His answer made me want to bang my head against the wall. How did he not understand why he didn't trust me? He frustrated me to no end. The conversation wasn't going anywhere, not if he didn't understand himself well enough to give me a straight answer. Vilkas needed a reality check, and I was all too happy to deliver it.
"I will be your shield-sister one day. When that day comes, I have to be confident you have my back, as I will have yours."
"How can you say that when you hate me?" he asked, but there wasn't his characteristic bitter edge to his question. That same confusion I saw earlier with Kodlak resurfaced. Was he wavering?
His reaction spurred me to continue. "Because it's the right thing to do, for the Harbinger and for the Companions."
I waited for him to say something. In the two months that I knew him, he never got quiet when I spoke to him. I wasn't sure to take it as a sign that he was thinking about what I was saying, or that he didn't want to hear it.
"I should return to the yard. Ria is probably wondering what's taking me so long. But before I go, I don't hate you. I dislike you, but I'm willing to make peace, if you are. When you're ready, come find me," I said.
He nodded, and I went outside. Ria and Farkas sat down on the chairs. Ria clasped her hands, waiting for something, and so did Farkas. They must have been waiting for Vilkas and I to come out.They sprang up when they saw me, and the barrage of questions started.
"Are you okay? Where's Vilkas?" Farkas asked, his eyes full of concern.
"What happened with Kodlak? Are you still staying?" Ria added.
"He's inside. I'm okay," I answered, trying to flash them a reassuring grin. They looked no more reassured than before. "We're not going anywhere. We had to clean the hall for Tilma. Kodlak spoke to us and told us to stop acting like idiots."
"Whew. Glad to hear you're sticking around," Ria said.
"We got worried when it took a while," Farkas admitted, and nodded towards the door. "I should go check in on him. I'll catch up with you later."
Farkas left, and Ria asked, "Are you comfortable with a hug?"
I extended my arms. "Yes, but don't make me regret it."
She laughed and wrapped her arms around me. I grinned for a change. Sometimes a hug wasn't bad. Ria needed it, and I did too. The nerves eased away. There was still a lot of work to do, but this was a small victory.
We pulled away from each other, still grinning. Though Ria was the newest recruit before I came, she saw her fair share of faces that passed through Jorrvaskr too. That she stayed so kind and warm was something I admired about her. She didn't hesitate to treat me as an equal, and I determined that one day, I would have the honor of calling her my shield-sister. And speaking of shield-sister…
"I should go apologize to Njada."
Ria's brows shot up. "For what? You put her in her place!"
"And I don't regret that, but I still have to make things right if I'm going to stay." Ria flashed me an incredulous look, to which I held a hand. "I promised the old man I'd make the effort. I've got to do that, even if that means swallowing my pride."
"Are you sure you don't want to use your shout on oneother person before you go take the moral high ground? You're… what's the fancy word for 'Dragonborn?'"
I laughed and gave her a playful shove. "The word you're looking for is dovahdone with your shit."
"So you don't want me to teach you a few tips and tricks after you're done being goody two-shoes?"
"Fine, I'm in, but don't you dare call me a goody two-shoes or else I'll shout you into tomorrow."
"You can't do that… can you?"
I grinned and walked away, finding Njada throwing daggers at the training dummy. She sliced the blade through the dummy's throat. The seams tore apart, the fluff poking out of the gash. The sight made me rethink my apology. If she can do that to a dummy, what will she do to me? Like the masochist I was, I called out to alert her to my presence. She glared at me with her broken nose, which was a painful shade of purple.
"What do you want? Another swing?" she snarled, never letting go of the dagger.
"I come in peace," I answered.
"Peace or pieces?"
"Peace," I answered, allowing a golden light to flicker in my palms. "This is a peace offering. I suppose you never heard, but I am a decent healer. I can restore you in no time."
"And why would you do that after punching me?"
"Although you're a complete bitch, it was wrong to punch you—mostly. If it would please you, Companion, I would like the chance to start over."
She glared at me for a moment, unsure of whether this was a trick. I wanted to remind her I wasn't a conniving bitch like she was, but decided against it.
"The old man got to you, huh?" she asked.
I nodded.
"He's got a knack for that. Go for it, I guess," she said, sheathing her dagger.
I approached her as the magicka built in my palm.
"Ah yes. Look at that nasty bruise. I must say, I haven't punched anyone that hard since Mikael at the Bannered Mare."
"Are you going to stare at your handiwork all day or heal me?" she demanded.
"Right. I'm warning you, this is going to hurt."
"Just do it."
Once my hand was warm, I pressed one of my fingers against her nose. I pushed at the bone, hearing it make a crunch as it snapped back into place. Njada flinched, but said nothing. With the bone set back into place, the restoration magic did the rest of its work, the bruise vanishing in mere seconds.
"Your little scheme to get me kicked out almost worked," I told her, still keeping my magicka steady. "From this point forward, I won't tolerate being treated like shit."
"You did act like a glorified errand girl for the first couple of weeks."
"A mistake I'll never repeat. You might enjoy your little power trips, but I'm never going to be on the receiving end of them ever again," I said, and dropped my palm. Her nose was as good as new.
Njada brought a hand to her nose, tapping it. "Huh. No pain. You're not bad at this healing stuff. I mean, I'm still trying to figure out why Skjor let you in in the first place, but this… urgh. This is kind of impressive. Fuck you."
"You're welcome, I think. No more brawls for a while. I don't like my healing work getting ruined."
"Fine. Now shoo. I'll go to the old man before he guilts me into it later."
I rolled my eyes and sought Ria before I jeopardized our peace. Kind of impressive. Fuck you. Who says those two sentences within the same breath?I grumbled. I didn't have to heal her—the old man encouraged me to work with the others, not become Mara herself. This was as close as Njada and I would get to friendliness. If it meant peace, I'd take it.
Ria waited for me by the dummy with a warhammer in hand, watching as Njada passed by.
"She got a new nose without having to see that face sculptor in Riften," she joked.
I snorted, and we exchanged weapons. Ria looked at the bow in her hands, excited to try her hand at archery. My arms wobbled at the weight of the warhammer. It wasn't only that it was heavier than my battleaxe. I trained earlier with Aela, and between fighting Vilkas and cleaning… I'm fucked.
It got worse. Ria got into position, her stance too open. She was holding the bow wrong too. I wasn't faring any better. I tried to find my grip on the warhammer. This… this was a terrible idea.
"What in the name of Talos are you doing?"
I spun around to see Vilkas, eying Ria and I with a puzzled look.
"No. Wait. Tell me you're not trying to teach each other," he asked, not bothering to hide the exasperation in his voice.
"Why not?" Ria asked.
He groaned and rubbed his forehead. "Your feet are too far apart and you're going to twist your elbow. You need the proper form if you're going to shoot that thing. I'd show you, but it's getting late. Call it a day. I'll ask Aela to train you tomorrow."
Ria gave him a brilliant smile, thanked him, and headed back into the mead hall.
Vilkas took the warhammer away from me. I wanted to protest, but he said, "Your arms are shaking. It won't do you any good to train today either. Tomorrow's another day."
It was the least hostile thing he said since he met me. I didn't think I got through to him, but perhaps I hadn't given him enough credit.
"Are you saying you'll train me?" I asked.
"I am," he said, and shot me a sharp glance. "But I won't take it easy on you."
Now that was a surprise. I looked at him, trying to figure out what made him change his mind. Like I told him with Kodlak, I didn't want a meaningless apology, the same way I didn't want him to train me if he didn't want to.
"Shouldn't we discuss what we spoke about earlier?" I asked.
"Let's start with this. Then we can talk."
I wasn't convinced, and the look on my face must have told him so.
He frowned. "We will talk soon, but for now, let's keep it simple. Please."
The finality in his tone told me not to push my luck.
"Tomorrow," I said, making sure that I understood him.
"Tomorrow," he confirmed.
Vilkas left me alone in the yard, confused more than pleased. The offer should have made me happy, but it was a hollow victory. No matter how much I wanted to believe that everything Kodlak, Tilma, and I said registered with him, but it was far from the truth. He was doing it to appease Kodlak more than any sense of remorse. I don't know why it hurt me. No motivation was a wrong motivation in this case, but I wanted better from him too.
...
"So lemme get this straight. You used your shout on Vilkas from there and he crashed here?" Torvar asked at supper, almost spilling his ale on Athis as he pointed to the table. "And you knocked Njada out with a punch? Why is it the one day I stay in bed all the exciting shit happens?"
"Because you're always hungover," Athis remarked, his voice dry.
"And you're the Dragonborn. Damn woman. You're Tamriel's most eligible bachelorette after Jarl Elisif—ow! Hey! That hurt!" Torvar whined as Ria jabbed him in the ribs. The sight made me chuckle.
"The burden of being Dragonborn is immense," Athis reminded him, and he flashed me a sympathetic look. "I see why you hid it. Coming to a strange place and being marked as an outsider isn't easy. I felt the same after I moved from Morrowind. Not that there's any comparison with being Dragonborn, but you understand what I mean, I hope."
"I do. Thanks for the kind words," I said, a small grin coming on my face.
I half-expected Torvar and Athis to gawk or ask a thousand questions. The teasing and the compassion were welcome. So, this was what life at Jorrvaskr and what the Companions was like. This could be home too. All it took for that realization was ramming Vilkas into the table.
Everyone gathered to listen to one of Vignar's stories. This one was about a dishonored Thane of Whiterun. The story goes that there was a prideful man who upset one of the Divines. He cheated his way to Thaneship, tricking the Jarl that he performed some great deed. Stendarr cursed the Thane and all of his kin—they would never achieve their heart's desires and lead miserable lives. The most common version of the tale claimed that his terrible deeds came to light and the people of Whiterun threatened to run him out of town, but Stendarr remained merciful. He created an escape route that connected from the Thane's home to the house of their most loyal friend, giving the dishonored Thane a chance to flee. No one knows what happened to the Thane or their kin.
It was a fine story, but I heard it hundreds of times before. Farkas noticed that I didn't seem invested and motioned me to come sit next to him.
"You doing alright?" he asked, handing me a mug of ale.
"I am. Long day, but not all bad," I answered. I turned to him, noticing he didn't look like himself. "Are you okay?"
"You and Vilkas worried me," he said, sounding tired.
"Did you think Kodlak was going to kick us both out?" I asked, surprised over his concern.
He shook his head. "It isn't that. I know what it's like when things are tense around here. I didn't want that for either of you."
Farkas sipped at his ale, lost in some old memory. I wanted to reach out to him and ask what he meant. Was someone upset with him? If so, who could be upset at Farkas? The man was a sweet roll personified. I wouldn't prod, but I laid a hand on his shoulder. I wasn't good at comforting others, but I hoped that helped. Farkas gave me a slight smile, a hint of brightness peering through his otherwise somber expression. That's better.
"Don't worry about that. Things are… strained between Vilkas and I, but we're working on it. He's going to be training me."
"You don't seem too happy about it," he noted, and I frowned.
"I should be, but it's still tense. Will he be able to put his dislike for me aside?"
It was Farkas' turn to offer me reassurance. "I'll help you out with training too. But I think you got through to him. Give him time to come around."
"Wait, did you speak with him?" I asked, discovering yet another surprising thing throughout this conversation.
Farkas smiled at me and nodded.
"So you're not angry that I used my Thu'um on your brother?" I asked.
"Oh no, he had it coming. I'm surprised you didn't use it sooner."
We laughed, it was a pleasant sound after the stress from earlier. The tension on his face vanished, and a grin settled on my face too. He did that often, with gentle teasing.
"You're my friend. You and Vilkas don't get along, but that doesn't change how I feel about you. I've got your back," he assured me.
"I've got yours too," I said.
Farkas' grin reached his eyes. He knew I meant it. I stole a glance. His support made me feel warm, like a hearth in the middle of winter. It meant something that Farkas cared. Anyone would be lucky to have him by their side, I mused.
All warmth vanished when Njada appeared out of nowhere and sat next to me. Did she have to come now?I groaned.
"Hey big guy. Can you give the new whelp and me some time alone?" Njada asked.
"Depends. Are you two gonna fight?" he asked, all the friendliness in his voice gone.
"Nah. She healed me. She doesn't want me to fuck up her work, as fun as that would be," she answered, and I glared at her. If she broke her nose a second time, I would leave her to suffer.
"Alright. Fine. But you better not cause any trouble," he said.
"Don't worry about that. I already got my spiel from the Harbinger today."
Farkas clapped my shoulder as he gave us our space. No wait, come back, I wanted to shout, but he left. Great. Now I have to deal with her.
"Did you get the 'be better' speech too?" I asked, refilling my mug. Divines knew I was going to need it to get through this conversation.
"Nothing I haven't heard before," she said, shrugging, and poured more ale into her mug too. "The Harbinger has a lot of faith in us but I don't know why."
"It feels good when someone has that faith in you, no?"
She shrugged. "Eh. Sometimes I miss no one expecting much from me. Anyway, I have a lot of respect for the old man and he's right. I owe you an apology."
"For?"
"For being a complete bitch, as you put it."
I almost choked on my ale. An apology for being a complete bitch? By the Nine, what forbidden realm did I stumble into? Njada took my silent disbelief as an assent to move forward with her apology.
"It was fun bossing you around those first couple of weeks, watching you do everything you can to prove yourself. It was kind of funny too, having you, a Thane, do my every whim," she continued.
"We have two very different views of funny," I said, glowering at her. She was worse at apologies than I was.
She glared right back at me. "Hey. I never said youhad to find it funny. Then you used your … Well, that wasn't your shout. You used that on Vilkas today, didn't you?"
"I did."
"I would have never fucked around with you if I knew you could do that. Don't look at me like that. Fine, I shouldn't have done anything when I figured out you're Dragonborn. I wanted to get even for the yard and I wasn't thinking straight."
"And you should have never joked about the dragon attack," I said.
She frowned, looking ashamed. "I shouldn't have. I'm sorry. We don't have to be friends, but we don't have to slice each other's throats either."
I tried to gage her sincerity. This better not be another way to get me out of the Companions. Her amber eyes were devoid of ill intention, her smugness replaced with something closer to humility. If she took my peace offering in good faith, I had to do the same with her apology, especially if Kodlak admonished her. Only time would prove her earnestness.
"Apology accepted, but I meant everything in the yard. If you try something on me again, I won't hesitate to use my Thu'um," I warned.
"I'm petty, but I'm not a petty idiot. Mind you, I'm glad I didn't get the beating Vilkas did."
My lips quirked into a grin. "I think everyone is."
Njada snorted and raised her glass to that. I didn't trust her yet, but this was a start.
...
There was one last thing that I wanted to do before I slept. I considered approaching Ria or Farkas, but I nixed the idea. False hope was worse than no hope. I knocked on the Harbinger's door.
"Come on in," he called out.
I found him still pouring over the same book from earlier. He hadn't shown up to eat supper, and there was still a plate of untouched food on his table. Does he not have an appetite or does he not care? That wasn't wise. Regardless of what his ailment was, he needed to remain nourished. That could worsen his condition, whatever it was.
Kodlak gave me a kind smile despite our situation from earlier. "Anyaie. This is a surprise. Is there something I can help you out with?"
"No, Harbinger, but I wanted to thank you for your graciousness. Many people wouldn't have given me another chance."
"There's no need to thank me. I trust our talk will guide you down the right path."
"You have my word, but there's something weighing on me. Can we talk?"
"Come take a seat."
The older man limped to the table and sat down, his breathing heavy. He was pallid and though his face wasn't hollowed the way most with serious illnesses were, his eyes were sunken in, murky. I was apprehensive, but I pushed forward. If it was possible to grant the old man another chance after he gave me one, I had to try.
"Tell me. What's on your mind?" he asked.
"There are rumors that you aren't well," I answered, and I could see him shutting down. A warrior like Kodlak was proud. These were the people who begrudged their condition for taking away their vitality and stripping them of their prowess. It was a battle, but a different one altogether.
"I am ill. I suppose you're offering help. Njada told me you healed her nose, but this isn't that simple," he cautioned.
"I've treated everything from ataxia to the rattles at least once. I can't promise you a cure, but there might be something else I can do to help."
The old man was skeptical, so I urged him again. "All I ask is for me to see what you have. I swear by my honor that I won't swindle you or raise your hopes."
"You are free to try, but I suspect it will be of no use."
I nodded and approached him. The warmth flooded to the center of my palm as I laid my hand on his head. It started from my feet, a slithering vine that weakened my muscles. My knees buckled, and I collapsed forward, but Kodlak propped me back up. That strange vine crawled up to my chest and squeezed my insides. It caught me in a stronghold, choking me. I yanked my hand away from his scalp, the sensation left after, but I still wheezed.
"Are you okay? Do you need water?" he asked.
"No… no… H-how… how long?" I panted.
"A year."
"Do they?" I asked pointing up to the ceiling, all the while still trying to catch my breath.
"Only the Circle knows the extent of it. I suspect I have a few more months left, if I'm lucky."
The tightness returned in my chest, different from earlier. If what I went through was even a fraction of what he experienced, I couldn't imagine the continual pain that came from living. For a moment, the man of Ria's stories flashed in my mind, a stark contrast with the somber reality of the man he became. Few people deserved such a terrible illness, least of them being Kodlak. I never got over how unfair the Divines were.
"I'm sorry. I can't cure you."
He offered me a weak smile. "I know, my girl. I've already made peace with this disease taking over my body."
"I can craft elixirs to ease the pain, if you'd like."
"Arcadia tried, but they didn't work."
"There are different strains of the rot, and there are a multitude of combinations to ease the symptoms. Arcadia's bright, and two alchemists are better than one. We'll figure something out for you."
"The effort means everything. I want to enjoy the last moments I have on the Mundus with my family.
Despite everything, he appeared at peace with his inevitable death. Flashes of my time assisting my father came back to me. He was taking it better than most. But, something else was bothering me.
"There is one thing that puzzles me. If you're aware you're ill, why are you looking at curses?" I asked.
Kodlak gave me a cryptic smile. "Another conversation for another day. Keep your focus on the elixirs.
I bowed my head. "I will. I've talked your ear off enough for one night. I'll leave you to rest. Goodnight, Harbinger."
"Goodnight."
On my way out, Kodlak added, "Don't tell the others I said this, but Vilkas deserved your Thu'um. Just don't make a habit of using it on him when he upsets you or else you'll end up with a sore throat."
We shared a grin, bringing some life back into the old man's eyes.
"And there's no need to thank me either," he added. "You chose this path, and I honored it. My predecessor did the same for me. It's only right I do it for someone as spirited as you."
The tears welled in my eyes. I mumbled out a thank you and returned to the whelp's quarters. You chose this path.His acknowledgment meant more to me than words could express.
Unfortunately, you don't get to choose everything that life throws in your direction.