"You don't get to do this! You don't- Who do you think you are?" Adam hisses out the last part no matter how much he wants to shout at Dean now. His eyes flicker to Crowley who is sitting on one of the leather couches in his office with Juliet on his lap and Kevin, perched on the armrest next to the man with his phone still in his hand as if waiting for a cue to ring the security. No. He can't do this now. He shouldn't, not with them here. They don't have to keep dealing with Adam's personal businesses like this. At the thought, he gets even angrier at Dean.
"Tell you who I am? I am your brother, Adam. And you are coming fucking home with me! This place, these men-" He throws a disgusted glance pointedly at Benny who had run up the stairs to the office after Adam and who now has a hand clasped around his wrist in silent support. "-What the hell? What do you think you're doing!? What was that thing on the paper!? You will explain all-"
"I don't owe you any explanation! You're my brother? Don't make me laugh, Dean. Sam maybe but you? I'm coming with you? Not freaking happening! You are gonna leave now before you get your ass dragged out of here! And don't ever try to get in my life again! It's none of your business what I do! For years you pretended I don't exist. Now, you only care because you think Michael, who you cheated on, has something with me! It's your hero complex, your need to be always right and nothing more! You were the one who left Michael in the most vile way, mind your own damn business now! Tell you what, Dean!? I am not letting you into my life!" Having forgotten about his previous decision to restrain himself, Adam let's his voice steadily get higher and higher. In the background, Juliet is loudly barking at Dean and baring her teeth.
"Okay, fine! Keep whoring yourself out for all I care! You'll come crying when this all ends up bad! No one will love you here! They will all use you, Michael even more so! Since you apparently know everything, know this too. He is only seeing you because he wants to make me mad! You will see soon enough!"
Dean stomps out elbowing Benny in the process. For the first time ever, Adam sees a look so dark clouding Benny's eyes under his flat cap's shadow. Right now, the man sees as if he wants to catch Dean and tear his throat out like a vampire on bloodlust. Adam can do nothing more than squeezing the larger hand in his.
"Alright, boys. Take a seat.-" Crowley sighs. He hands the dog to Kevin then walks to his chair. "-Security will let us know if he tries anything. You two grab drinks and try to forget that nonsense for now." As soon as the older man finishes talking, Adam collapses on the leather couch letting Juliet crawl over him from her place in Kevin's arms and lick at his cheeks consolingly. He chuckles at her. After becoming mothers, animals tend to adopt human children, a friend working on zoology said to him once.
"Thanks girl, that's what mom would have done if she was here." His throat knots with the memory of the most beautiful woman ever in her white hospital scrubs and messy bun pinned with a pen. After that, Juliet becomes cheerful jumping around the room to make Adam smile at her antics even at the cost of her usual elegance and dignity. Benny sits next to him holding a glass of Crowley's fine scotch for them each. Kevin briefly explains how Dean entered the agency having called first as a client and gives Adam a hug. Crowley for his own part is silent but even his presence is reassuring. Funny how this man is almost fatherly to Adam with his support through everything that happened. Adam is sure the sole reasons for that are Kevin's friendship to him and Juliet treating him as one of her pups though. At the thought, he finds himself chuckling again. Finally, Benny's eyes get their light back. Kevin sits up a bit straighter. And he can swear, even if he can never prove, that Crowley's lips twitch in a smile that lasts less than a second before the man is back to his classy indifference. It could have been worse, he tells himself.
It could have been worse.
As promised, they stop at Adam's favorite diner a block away from the agency and get burgers on their way back. Benny drives silently with a Sinatra song from a random station filling the light grey Corolla. Adam holds the warm takeout bag on his lap and watches the road. He remembers the last time he ate his favorite burger. It was just before- Then Adam was downstairs with his favorite burger from the twenty-four-hours-open diner a block away and with all the other escorts by his side. Kevin went up to talk to Crowley once he heard Adam insisted to still go to his next client but came back empty handed.
All the bad memories from that time flood his mind. He remembers exactly how he felt. Used. Betrayed. Alone. He remembers how he wanted to feel something different. He remembers how he sought that in the worst place possible. He remembers the chapped lips and wrinkled hands roaming his body. The memory only makes him shudder in disgust. How he ever let himself be so foolish escapes him now. He remembers how he immediately took it once an offer to get him out of the life he knew presented itself. He didn't even care about the price he would pay. He lied to himself. He even managed to make himself believe it all for some time. He founded this false reality and allowed himself to be trapped. He did it to himself. And if it wasn't for Benny…
Adam doesn't even want to think where he would be now if it wasn't for Benny's efforts. Michael was trying to find him too to make the situation right but he wouldn't be able to reach Adam himself. Benny found him, brought him to Adam to have the two of them talk everything out, prevented a disaster and didn't even claim the spotlight for that. Adam stayed with Michael even if it was more logical for him to be with Benny where he also had some stuff and where no one would think to look for him. He never expected anything in return for what he did. Nothing emotional. Not gratitude, not love. Nothing physical. Not- Even when he was paying for Adam's time, Benny never made him feel that way. Now too. He held Zachariah back that day and let Michael be the hero. They left Benny at that church, driving off with the heat of the moment.
Adam knows. He has known for quite some time now. Yet it doesn't mean he understands. Benny loves him. Just two hours ago, he agreed to come with Adam to the agency in the middle of the night when he has work tomorrow. They went. They saw Dean. Benny never interrupted them. He let Adam speak his own mind and defend himself. He held his hand, made him feel that he wasn't standing all alone against Dean but never tried to get in between them. Back there, Adam was his own person, deciding on his own life himself. He wasn't alone. He wasn't scared. It could have been worse. It would be worse if Benny wasn't there holding Adam's back. He didn't even give in to the bitter tears stinging his eyes tonight. Benny was there with him. Benny is here with him. He is doing all this. He is giving Adam everything. And he isn't asking for anything.
Adam doesn't doubt Benny. Not even a little. This man might be the only person alive that he would trust fully and immediately. Still… It isn't easy to comprehend. Benny is doing everything for love. As far as Adam knows and as everything else, love too runs out at some point.
Adam thinks of all the men who told him their pathetic stories. He never wanted to hear any of those but they were paying. Clients came first. They chose what to do with the time they bought. Often, Adam would suffer through hours spent lying in the arms of a stranger listening to their most vile secrets and occasionally helping them through slight hysterias caused by guilt. They all had wives, husbands, someone they loved at one point. They all betrayed someone with Adam. There were ones who didn't want their spouses anymore. There were ones drowning themselves in alcohol because of their mistakes but still betraying their loved ones again and again each day. There were the kind Crowley didn't want to work with and blacklisted immediately. Those were the abusers, the ones hurting the people they loved 'too much' as they all tended to say.
In all his life, Adam has never seen love ending pretty.
He thinks of his father. He thinks of his mother. She kept pictures of John Winchester. Even though Adam never saw her crying after the man, he knew she did secretly and in the safety of her bedroom at night. He thinks of Mary Winchester. The woman was betrayed. John chose her in the end but what was done could never be reversed. They had been childhood sweethearts, Adam heard from a guest in the funeral. John cheated on her. They had two beautiful sons. John went and had another. As if Mary wasn't enough. As if her children weren't enough. Adam kind of understands Dean only about that matter. Who knows? Maybe he would have hated that illegitimate child too if he was Dean.
Yet, the thought of Dean brings forth other things. Adam knows his and Michael's story. They were in love too. They grew up together. They raised Michael's brothers together. They were getting ready to unite their lives forever. Then Michael lived through something terrible. He got his phobia. Instead of owning up his love and standing by Michael, Dean chose to dump him. Michael made it sound like a fairytale when he was telling Adam about this mysterious fiancé he loved so much and who loved him in their earliest evenings together. They saw how it ended.
Adam glances at Benny. His hand curls into a fist around the paper bag. Indeed, love is bound to run out. What will happen to them then?
They put on the first movie of the Insidious series and sit on the couch side by side with a fluffy blanket. Adam remembers choosing this one at a random home store just before Christmas last year. Benny had a cold then. He was constantly complaining of the chilly house and refusing Adam's every attempt to go and take care of him a little lest Adam too got sick. Adam went anyway. He bought this warm blanket, made vegetable soup and picked up vitamins from the pharmacy on his way. They had a great time together watching Frozen and laughing at Benny's shivering every time Elsa did some snow magic on the screen.
Their take out quickly reduces to empty cardboard cups and greasy wrappers on the coffee table in front of them. By the end of the movie, they are in the middle of the couch with Adam's head resting on Benny's shoulder. In a strange way, his chest feels tight. Benny isn't talking to him about the movie or trying to cheer him up too. He knows to leave Adam to his own devices on matters like this until Adam wants to talk it out and asks for help. Respecting his boundaries as always, he is keeping Adam company and being here for him even though he can't actively do more. This is what Adam likes about him the most. Benny believes that Adam can be his own hero. He simply takes the sidelines, always finding a way to let Adam know that he is there with him. So Adam shuffles a little closer and decides to enjoy the warmth as the second movie of the series plays on the screen.
"Parker just wanted to be happy. He wanted a family, a life. I think I kind of understand where he's coming from.-" Adam mumbles more to himself. He feels Benny's chest rising with the slow intake of breath. "-What he did wasn't right in the end. But, his family, that psychotic woman was the one who ruined him. And of course Josh somehow needed to get back with his family too so…" He trails off there. He can't complete the thought even in his head. The movie is the last thing on his mind now. As if sensing his mood, Benny starts to rake his fingers through Adam's light strands. So Adam closes his eyes giving up on the movie altogether instead to focus on the warm hand comforting him.
"You don't deserve this, cher. You don't deserve any of it. But I promise you it will be alright. I will always be here for you." Hearing Benny's whisper that somehow lifts a weight from Adam's heart. He tilts his head up a little to see the kind eyes watching him and sits upright slowly.
For some time, they just look at each other's faces. Adam briefly makes out the end credits running in the background a few minutes later. They both don't care. They don't do anything when the TV switches back to some French channel nor when it turns itself off after fifteen minutes of inactivity. The living room becomes totally dark with only a small ray of moonlight managing to reach inside through the drawn curtains. Without seeing anything, without understanding how, Adam finds himself close to Benny again. He can feel the other man's hot breath on his cheek, smell the cologne he bought for Benny's birthday. He doesn't know how long he lingers there before the silent moment is broken.
Something Adam would never imagine happens.
Just before their lips touch each other, Benny puts one palm against Adam's chest and lightly pushes him away. Adam is too busy being stunned while the older man bolts up on his feet to turn on the lights. "You don't want-" He can't finish the question. Benny takes a seat on an armchair and with his eyes cast down to his lap. "-I thought. All you do for me… I thought- God I am such an idiot aren't I?" Adam talks to himself not even caring if Benny will listen or not.
"No-" Adam feels Benny's eyes on his face and turns his own gaze to the man as well. "-Adam you're anything but an idiot. You know, you are… not wrong. I have known that you were aware for a while now. Just- Listen, we can't do that. Not now, okay? No matter how much- We can't." Benny clears his throat at the end and leans back. Adam covers his face with his hands.
"Then why? We are- we are close already. And you make me happy, Benny. You make me feel special and wanted. You look at me as if I am something fascinating. Hell, you care about me more than my own freaking family does. I- I want to-" Why now of all times today do the tears come to his eyes, that Adam doesn't know himself. Benny takes another deep breath at the sight of Adam's pathetic state. Then he walks over to sit next to Adam again.
"Because this was what I was afraid of. I didn't want you to feel this way. Adam I know what you are feeling now. I do. But I can't. Not while all these things keep happening to you. Not while you are in this state. Please Adam, please don't finish that sentence. We can talk about this later. But not now, not today." Adam falls silent. He draws his legs up and wraps his arms around his knees. Benny doesn't say or do anything opting to sit with Adam and wait until they both are well enough to get up and go to bed.
Adam throws himself on the bed immediately after shutting the door. He doesn't even bother with the sheets. He simply sprawls on the mattress and closes his eyes. What a long day it has been. He doesn't even want to think back to it all. No actually, he doesn't want to think about anything in general. Still he can't help himself. First, he messed up telling what he saw to Michael without making him, a man prone to panic attacks, panic. Then he messed up with the whole thing with Zachariah. After that, he messed up with Dean and his impotence. Lastly, just now, he messed up with Benny.
Benny who loves him. Benny who literally didn't deny this just now. Yet the man still pushed him away. But then again, isn't his life like that? His half brothers love him too. They love Adam but they don't want Adam in their lives. His father was the same way. The man would come over a few times per year, take Adam to games and let him drive for a few minutes. He would hug Adam tightly but still leave at the end of the day. He too loved Adam but didn't really want him. His aunt. The woman babied Adam in front of the CPS officials and did everything to become his legal guardian once his mom passed away. She kept talking about how much she loved Adam. She got to keep him and shipped him to that highschool. Adam heard her arguing with her husband to send Adam away in the summers too when he stayed at their house and worked at their diner. And there are his friends. From the school, from the agency… They all love Adam, they always did. Yet now, Adam doesn't have a single one here to hold him and cheer him up. He thinks about Michael. They are friends. They are. Michael loves Adam. Still, he probably wishes they never met in the first place. Adam is the one who wrecked his life. Not Dean. Adam. Cheaters don't wreck lives. They don't get kicked out. They still get to live happily ever after. At least John Winchester did. Adam is sure Dean inherited some of that Winchester luck. So, it's true. Everyone in his life, they all love him. But no one wants him. Adam is still alone, still a mistake, still an orphan.
Now, even Benny who never let him feel like this turned him away too. Logically, Benny was probably trying to protect Adam again but it didn't work. It didn't stop him from feeling this miserable. At the end of the day, Benny still pushed him away. Adam doesn't know how he will feel about this in the morning. Right now, the poisonous thought does nothing more than to hurt him. He wishes he could distract himself somehow or at least pass out until he has to get out of bed for sure.
As if on cue, his phone rings once with the default notification tone.
A new message. Someone just texted him.