A/N: Letter fic! Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I tried to make it as clear as possible. Please leave a review!
Title: Jelly Slugs and Onion Soup
Summary: There are jelly slugs in Albus' French onion soup, and he's determined to discover who put them there, though he is quite convinced his cousin, Rose, had something to do with it. Letter fic.
Word count: 1,443
Genres: Humour, Friendship
Characters: Albus P., Rose W., Scorpius M.
Dear Rose,
I saw you walk in all peppy and happy this afternoon and I just wanted to say hi.
That's a lie.
I did see you walk in this afternoon, looking all peppy and happy, but what I truly wanted to say is:
WHY THE HECK WERE THERE JELLY SLUGS IN MY ONION SOUP AT LUNCH?
Yes, this is an accusation. Yes, I know it was you. Yes, I am demanding retribution. Yes, you had better buy me a jelly-slug-free onion soup tomorrow.
Your loving and doting cousin,
Albus Potter.
Dear loving and doting cousin,
I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.
Why would I ever put jelly slugs in your onion soup? I know how much you love onion soup, and I know how much you hate jelly slugs. Surely such a wonderful cousin as I am would never dare combine the two for you.
Your confused cousin,
Rose Weasley.
Dear confused cousin,
I know it was you.
I literally saw you with a bag of jelly slugs this morning, strolling into the office as if you were prancing through a meadow.
Albus
My absolute dearest Albus,
That hardly consists of proof! I am shocked at your accusation.
As it so happens, I was bringing those jelly slugs to my dear and loving boyfriend, Scorpius Malfoy. You might know him, after all he is your best friend too.
Now, leave me alone, I have an important report to finish for Clearwater.
Much love, and condolences for your soup,
Rose
P.S. Also, did you just describe me as a pony? I am exceeding offended.
Rose,
I KNEW IT! IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH SCORPIUS!
Albus
Rose,
What's up with Albus. I can see you furiously air-planing him every other minute.
I don't think I'm the only one who's noticed. Clearwater seems to be prowling around, looking for the source of all the aerial ruckus.
Love,
Scorpius
SCORPIUS!
Whatever you do, deny all knowledge of jelly slugs in onion soup if Albus asks you.
He's onto us!
Love,
Rose
P.S. Do you think she knows it's me? I'm writing a report for her and the deadline is in an hour! If she thinks I didn't do it because I've been sending air planes, she'll behead me!
Dear Albus,
I never said it had anything to do with Scorpius!
Stop accusing me unjustly and start working! You've been staring at your paper for at least an hour now! It's a wonder you even graduated from Auror Academy at all.
Lots of love, hugs, and kisses,
Rose J. Granger-Weasley
Dearest,
Got the message. I know nothing of the prank war we are currently waging against each other.
Also, you mean to tell me that you still haven't completed that report? Clearwater isn't going to behead you, she going to have you hanged, drawn and quartered!
Love,
Scorpius
P.S. What IS the whole business with the jelly slugs?
P.P.S. The score is still 9-4 for me.
ROSE!
Just because you signed with your full name does NOT mean that this conversation is over.
My paper is not doing well, because, I, an Auror, am not qualified for paper work. I need to be out working in the field. But let's talk about YOUR REPORT shall we?
Albus
P.S. Can you stop highlighting my name in purple? It's making me awfully self-conscious.
Dear Scorpius,
I was just having a little chat with our dear Rose and I happened to hear about a certain issue with jelly slugs. More precisely: the jelly slugs in my French onion sop. More precisely: the jelly slugs YOU put in my French onion soup.
Please inform me on what all that is about,
Awaiting your reply,
Albus Potter
Dear Albus,
Jelly slugs? What jelly slugs? I have never heard of any jelly slugs?
You must be mistaken.
Confused,
Scorpius Malfoy (it always amuses me how you sign with your last name to your BEST FRIEND).
Scorpius.
You wouldn't know how to lie if it hit you in the face. I can SEE you lying through this paper.
You know exactly what slugs I am talking about. Rose expressively told me, well, wrote me, she was bringing them too me.
Quit lying.
Albus
Albus, darling,
Personally, I like to think of this particular shade as "lilac". It has a rather lovely ring to it and suits you so well.
And as a matter of fact, I cannot not highlight your name, and it is rather driving me crazy too.
See, I am currently losing my prank war with Scorpius, and therefore must suffer the curse of enchanted highlighters, which highlight people's names without my wishing to do so.
This sentence henceforth marks the end of our conversation.
Sincerely,
Rose J Granger-Weasey
Junior Auror
Ministry of Magical Law Enforcement
Scorpius, darling (please note the fact that I tried to write that in italics. It's supposed to be ironic),
You know VERY WELL why it is taking so damn long to complete this report.
It's because of your stupid highlighters! You try writing a factual report with every victims' name being highlighted in fuchsia, FUCHSIA, SCORPIUS.
Sincerely frustrated,
Rose
P.S. The score is 9-5 (yes, that is in bold, too, your damn highlighters wouldn't even colour that so I had to resort to BOLD). Don't think I'm not counting quite as closely as you are.
Dear Albus,
I wish you would stop accusing me of something I didn't do. I am still thoroughly discombobulated about the whole jelly slug incident you refuse to explain.
Don't you have better things to do than bother me? It is rather immature
Much love,
Scorpius
Rose,
Stop pretending to write that report.
A sentence, your full name, and work place ALSO doesn't count as the end of a conversation.
Are you aware that your boyfriend (yes, that blond twat named Scorpius Malfoy) just had the GALL to accuse me of being immature, when I've just learned that you are WAGING A PRANK WAR ON ONE ANOTHER? Excuse me?
How old are you? Twenty-four or FOUR?
You had better explain this jelly slug incident RIGHT NOW, which I know is a result of said "prank war" and which I RIGHTLY accused you of or I will be telling Grandma Weasley.
Rightly yours,
Albus
Scorpie,
I might have made a grave mistake. Or maybe not. After all, my cousin is an idiot. Tell you more soon.
Rose.
Rose,
What have you done. Also, you only call me Scorpie when you've done something really bad.
Love,
Scorpius
Rose,
So?
Scorpius
Rose,
Rose?
Scorpius
Scorpius.
Rose has just informed me of EXACTLY what is going on between the tow of you at the moment. I must say I am MOST disappointed in you. And you dare call me immature. Let it be noted that I am positively outraged. You had better be buying me French onion soup for AT LEAST all of this month.
Albus
P.S; Enchanted highlighters? Really? That's the best you could come up with. You disappoint me.
P.P.S. I'm just going to scream. Excuse me.
Rose,
Oh, no. You didn't.
Scorpius
Dear Albus,
Let me just clear this first: those slugs were never meant for you.
They were meant for Scorpius. I was going to slip them into his own soup, spinach soup I'll have you know. I am sincerely sorry and deeply regret the fact that they ended up in your soup. I solemnly promise to buy you soup for the rest of the week.
I hope this will not happen again.
Much love, much regret, many apologies,
Your loving cousin,
Rose
P.S. I just wanted to say, it was all Scorpius' idea, of course.
Albus,
Of course. Anything you want.
See you,
Scorpius
Rose.
Indeed. You had better. Or no more Christmas presents for you. Ever. You immature child.
Albus
My absolute darling Scorpius!
Albus is officially an idiot! He thinks we are waging a war on each other, not waging a war to see how much we can prank him. He seems to have stopped glaring at me, so that's good. You might have to wait a couple of days before you try your own prank.
Those jelly slugs in his soup was a pretty fabulous prank, no? I think it deserves AT LEAST five points. I am sick of these highlighters.
Yours victoriously,
Rose
Rose, darling,
5 POINTS! Absolutely not. 4 at most.
Much love,
Scorpius
P.S. Isn't it crazy that he only realised we are pranking him now? I mean, I had the time to earn 9 points for a variety of pranks. He is a bit slow sometimes, isn't he…
FOR HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY
House: Ravenclaw
Assignment #8: Criminology: Task 3: Prosecution: Write about accusing someone of something (with proof or without).
All aboard: 3) regret
Gobstones: Green stone – maturity – 18) no dialogue – 10) jelly slugs – 10) variety
Founder says: Gryffindor says: 3) "I just wanted to say, it was all [name]'s idea."
Fortnightlies: Folding fun: Design: 9) "I'm just going to scream. Excuse me."
Writing club:
Eras: 5) Letter fic
Amber's Attic: 8) suspicious
Bex's basement: 1) someone being sneaky
Lizzy's loft: 15) French onion soup
Scamander's case: 14) Glaring
Film festival: 13) letter
Marvel Appreciation: J) Jelly slugs
Autumn Seasonal:
7th Dec: Letter writing day: Letter fic!
Get organised week: 4) Highlighters
Pet peeves: 17) playing a game
UN: 101) Ministry of magic
Princess: 2) deadline
Colour: 12) lilac
Flowers: 2) "don't you have better things to do than bother me?"
Ravenclaw characters: 4) Penelope Clearwater