Major Trigger Warning: Suicide Attempt
That night, Maya took her new sleep medication, hoping it worked as well as the one Carina had given her.
Around two in the morning, she was woken up when Carina got up.
"Where are you going?" she asked as Carina started to get dressed.
"Sorry," Carina said, pulling on her pants before going to Maya, "There was a major accident, twenty -five care pile up, and they need all hands-on deck at the hospital. Are you going to be alright here alone?"
"Yeah," Maya said, "Go. Save lives. God knows it's more than what I'm doing."
"Maya," Carina said, leaning down and kissing her cheek, "You are doing what you need to do right now. I'll be back when I get off, although I have a shift this afternoon so I don't know when that will be. I love you."
"Love you too," Maya said as Carina left the bedroom to head to the hospital.
Maya was now wide awake. She still felt like absolute garbage, so she just stayed in bed, curled up under the covers, her mind running at about a hundred miles an hour.
All she kept thinking was that she was such a burden to everyone. Carina was taking off work because of her, Andy was having to step up and work harder because of her, her team was left with yet another interim captain because of her, she and Carina were in a fragile relationship because of her. Everything bad that was going on was her fault, something she caused. Everyone would probably be better off without her, despite them telling her otherwise, because they just didn't know how much better their lives would be without her in them.
It was nearing 8 am when Maya made the decision that she was going to do what was best for everyone and just take herself out of the equation. She knew her pain meds were gone but sitting on the table next to her was a bottle of emergency anti-anxiety medication that she had looked up and knew would work. She grabbed a piece of paper, scribbling a note to Carina and one to her team which she left on the dresser.
She shakily took the bottle of pills and went into the bathroom, swallowing the entire bottle before sitting down on the floor, waiting for it to work. Within five minutes, she was unconscious on the floor.
Vic came home about ten minutes after Maya had taken the pills, setting down her stuff before going to check on her roommate. Carina had texted her the night before and told her she had gotten pulled into work, asking if she would check on Maya when she got home.
"Maya," Vic called, knocking on her door.
When she didn't get an answer, she thought about just leaving her probably sleeping friend alone, but something made her open the door. She noticed the bathroom door was closed and knocked on that door.
"Mai," Vic called, "Hey, are you alright?"
After waiting for an answer that didn't come, she knocked again.
"Maya," Vic called, getting worried, "Hey, if you don't answer, I'm coming in."
When she still got no answer, she cracked the door, throwing it open when she saw Maya passed out on the floor. She checked to see if she was breathing, feeling a weak pulse and shallow breath. It was then that she saw the empty bottle of pills on the counter.
"Damn it, Maya," Vic said, grabbing her phone and calling 911.
She made sure Maya was still breathing, trying to keep herself together.
"Is that Captain Bishop?" Barnes asked as he and his partner came in.
"Yeah," Vic said, "Yeah, she swallowed a bottle of pills. She's still breathing, and her pulse is weak, but there. Can we just get her to Grey Sloan?"
"What did she take?" he asked as they loaded Maya onto the gurney, getting her hooked up to monitors that confirmed that Maya's heartrate was low but present.
Vic gave Barnes the bottle as they took Maya out to the aid car.
"I'm going to give her some flumazenil," Barnes said as they started, drawing up the meds, "Hopefully, this does the trick."
They drove the short distant to Grey Sloan, Maya remaining unconscious the whole time.
"30-year-old female," Vic said, jumping out to help, "Attempted suicide. Took approximately 300 mg diazepam. Unknown how long ago. Flumazenil has already been administered."
"Oh my God, Maya," Teddy said as she looked at who was in front of her, "Let's page Dr. Shepard and Dr. Carina Deluca stat."
Within a minute, Carina was running into the ER.
"What happened?" Carina asked as Vic grabbed her, keeping her from going into the trauma room where Maya was being treated.
"She took her entire bottle of diazepam," Vic said, "I don't know when, but I'm guessing not that long ago. I found her when I came home. She's going to be alright, Carina."
"Except she's not," Carina said, eyes filling with tears, "She just tried to take her own life. She is not ok."
"I know," Vic said, realizing that she herself was shaking.
Amelia ran past them into the trauma room and they both looked as the door opened, seeing that Maya was still on the table. "I should be in there," Carina said, moving toward the door.
"I'm sorry, Dr. Deluca," Schmitt said, coming out of the room, "Dr. Altman asked that you wait out here. She's stabilizing though so you should be able to go in soon?"
"I am going in now," Carina said, pushing past the resident and walking into the trauma room before Vic or Schmitt could stop her.
"Carina," Teddy said, "You can't be in here."
"I need to be," Carina said, watching her friends work, "Is she alright?"
"She's stabilizing," Teddy said, nodding as she checked Maya's vitals, "Her heart rate is coming up, and I think we avoided a seizure."
"I'll do a neuro check when she wakes up," Amelia said, going to her friend's side, "But she doesn't appear to have hit her head. I'll get a CT to double check though. She's lucky Vic found her when she did."
Carina nodded, tears pricking her eyes as she slid down the wall, "I can't believe this happened."
"I know," Amelia said, sitting down next to her friend, wrapping her arms around the OB/GYN, "I know."
Teddy continued to work, checking a few different things before going over to Carina.
"Is there anyone we should call?" Teddy asked.
"No," Carina said, "No. I will call her mom at some point, but not yet. She and Maya have a strained relationship at best. And you know about her dad. Vic is outside though. Can she come in?"
"Of course," Teddy said, "We will probably move her to a room for a few hours of observation. I do have to call psych. You know how it goes."
"Before we have anyone else come in, I want to get a CT," Amelia said, getting up and pulling Carina with her, "Just to be safe."
Carina nodded as Amelia went to order the CT.
"Come on," Teddy said, wrapping an arm around her friend.
"I can't leave her," Carina said, shaking her head.
"I am going to take her up to CT," Schmitt said, coming in, "And Vic is out in the waiting room. I think she could use some company."
"But," Carina started.
"She will be fine," Teddy reassured, "I will come find you as soon as she is out of CT and in a room."
Carina nodded, going out to find Vic.
"How is she?" Vic asked, wringing her hands.
"She's still unconscious," Carina said, "Amelia wants a CT. I can't believe this happened."
"I know," Vic said, shaking her head, "I need to text Andy. She needs to know. Should I text the rest of our team? They need to know too right?"
"I don't know," Carina said, "Andy, yes. Everyone else, wait, if that is ok, just out of respect for Maya's privacy."
"Yeah," Vic said, nodding as she texted Andy.
Within two seconds, Vic's phone was ringing.
"Are you serious?" Andy asked, voice shaking.
"Yeah," Vic said, "I am. Can you come down to Grey Sloan?"
"Yeah," Andy said, "I'm already on my way. What the hell happened?"
"Our best friend tried to kill herself," Vic snapped, "What more is there to say?"
"Hey," Andy said, knowing Vic was lashing out in anger, "It's going to be ok. Are you alone?"
"No," Vic said, "Carina and I are here together. We are in the waiting room by the ER."
"I will be there soon," Andy said. Vic hung up, looking over at Carina.
"Andy's on her way," the younger woman said, putting her hand on Carina's.
The doctor just nodded, staring off.
"She's going to be alright Carina," Vic said, seeing the tears gathering in the corners of her friend's eyes.
Carina just nodded, not saying anything. Five minutes later, Andy ran in, immediately finding them.
"Hey," she said, "How is she?"
"She's getting a CT scan," Vic said, "We'll know more soon, but they think she's going to be ok."
"Carina," Andy said, sitting down next to her, "How are you?"
"I need some air," Carina said, getting up and walking out.
"Should we go after her?" Andy asked, looking at Vic.
"I've got her," Amelia said, approaching the women, "Maya is out of CT and in room 42. You guys are welcome to do sit with her. She's still not awake."
Vic and Andy nodded, getting up. Amelia then walked outside, finding Carina standing over a trash can, throwing up.
"Hey," Amelia said, jogging over to her, rubbing her back, "It's ok. Just breath."
Carina threw up one more time before she started sobbing, Amelia just holding her. Carina started having a panic attack and Amelia quickly guided them to a bench, helping her friend calm down.
"I'm right here Carina," Amelia said as the broken woman sobbed, "She's going to be ok. You are going to be ok."
"I shouldn't have left her," Carina said after a few more minutes of sobbing.
"What?" Amelia asked, confused.
"I shouldn't have left her last night," Carina said, shaking her head, "I knew she wasn't ok, and I left her and then this happened. I should have stayed."
"No," Amelia said, "Absolutely not. You are not going to blame yourself for this. This was something that happened because Maya is mentally not ok, not because of anything you did. This is a terrible thing that happened, but nor because you aren't enough for her or because you weren't there enough. This happened because her mind was too much for her and her illness was too much for her, but not because you are too little."
"I just hate that she thought that this was the best thing for her," Carina said, taking a tissue from Amelia, "That she thought that anything would be better without her."
"Maya doesn't think that," Amelia said, "Maya's illness made her think that because her brain isn't working right right now."
Carina nodded, leaning on Amelia's shoulder. Just then, the neurosurgeon's pager went off.
"Maya's starting to come around," Amelia said, "I need to do a check once she's awake. Do you want to come?"
"Si," Carina said, nodding as she wiped her eyes again.
They walked into the hospital, going straight to Maya's room. They walked in, Maya still not completely awake.
"Vic and Andy went to grab some coffee," Teddy said.
"Carina?" Maya said sleepily, "Where am I?"
"Bella," Carina said, going over to her girlfriend, "Something happened, and you are in the hospital, at Grey Sloan."
"Oh," Maya said, remembering what happened, "Oh, what did I do? Why…I'm so sorry."
"It's ok," Carina said, brushing a piece of hair off Maya's forehead, "You're ok now."
Maya started crying and Carina climbed into the bed, holding her close.
"I'm here," Carina said as Maya sobbed, "It's going to be ok."
Carina just held Maya for a while until Vic and Andy walked back in.
"Hey," Vic said, offering a half smile, "You're awake. How are you feeling?"
Maya just shrugged, not really looking at them. Before they could say anything, there was a knock on the door.
"Hello, I'm Julia from Psych. I'm here to talk to Maya Bishop."
"Can't I just talk to Diane?" Maya asked.
"Who's Diane?" Julia asked.
"My therapist," Maya said, rubbing her eyes.
"Well, we can call her if you want," Julia said, "But I need to talk to you too, if that's ok?"
Maya sighed and nodded.
"We can go, if you want," Andy said.
"If you don't mind," Maya said, voice shaky.
"Of course," Vic said, nodding as she and Andy left.
"Do you want me to go or stay?" Carina asked, rubbing Maya's arm.
"Can you stay?" Maya asked, "Or you can go I guess."
"I can stay," Carina said, pressing a kiss to Maya's cheek, "As long as it's ok with Julia."
"It's fine with me," Julia said, sitting down in a chair next to Maya, "Now, can you tell me what happened today?"
"I swallowed all of my diazepam," Maya said, not looking at anyone.
"Why did you do that?" Julia asked, scribbling down what Maya said.
"Because I didn't want to be alive anymore," Maya said quietly, Carina taking her hand.
"And why is that?" Julia asked.
"Because everyone's life would be easier without me in it," Maya said, voice cracking.
"Did someone tell you that?" Julia asked.
"No," Maya said, shaking her head.
"Why do you feel like that?" Julia asked, grateful that her patient's girlfriend was not interrupting what often happened with significant others.
"Because it's true," Maya said, Carina gently squeezing her hand.
"Why do you say that?" Julia asked.
"Because I make everyone's life harder," Maya said, tears filling her eyes.
"How so?" Julia asked.
"Well, because of me, my best friend has to work harder because I'm too depressed to work and my team is in limbo again because of the same thing and my girlfriend is always worried about me and my brother is addicted to drugs and living on the streets because I couldn't protect him and my family fell apart because I didn't stand up to my dad and I can't do anything right so what's the point?"
Maya was crying by the end, and Carina wrapped her arms around Maya, still not speaking, but just being the comfort her girlfriend needed.
"Maya," Julia said, "I don't know you very well, but when I walked in here, there were three people who all seemed very concerned about you. Would you agree?"
Maya nodded, rubbing her eyes.
"And do you think their lives would be better, happier, if you weren't in them?" Julia questioned gently.
"I don't know," Maya said quietly.
"May I?" Carina asked, knowing she should be quiet, but this seemed like a place she should step in.
"Sure," Julia said, nodding.
"Maya, we all love you," Carina started, "And my life has only gotten better since I met you. You make me smile more than anyone I've ever met, and I love you more than I thought I was capable of. And your team, they love you too. Maya, everyone who knows you is glad you are in their lives. No one thinks it would be better if you weren't here."
There were tears running down both of their faces as Carina talked, the blonde embracing her girlfriend when she finished.
"Maya, you have people who are here for you," Julia said when they broke apart, "People who care about you who want you here with them."
"Sometimes it's just so hard to believe that," Maya said, rubbing her eyes as she pulled away from Carina.
"I understand that," Julia said sympathetically, "But do you think you can believe them, at least a little?"
Maya nodded a little.
"Now, are you still thinking about ending your life?" Julia asked, "And please be honest."
"Not really," Maya said, shaking her head, "I mean, everything sucks, but I don't think I'll do anything like this again. I just couldn't get out of my head this morning and everything just seemed so bad and I just wanted to stop hurting everyone and stop feeling all this pain, but it didn't work, and it didn't make me feel better and I don't know. I don't think I'll try it again."
"Was this the first time you ever tried to end your own life?" Julia asked.
"The first time I ever did anything, yeah," Maya said, nodding, "But not the first time I thought about it."
"Ok," Julia said, nodding, "And have you told people about your thoughts?"
"Yeah," Maya said, "My friends, and Carina, and my therapist."
"Good," Julia said, "And your therapist, you are still seeing her regularly?"
"Yeah," Maya said, nodding, "I just saw her yesterday."
"Good," Julia said, "I want to get her information so I can call her and talk to her about what we talked about, if that is ok with you?"
"Yeah," Maya said, nodding. "
Now, have you been diagnosed with any mental health disorders?" Julia asked.
"Yeah," Maya said, "Anxiety and depression."
"And are you on any medications?" Julia asked.
"I just started yesterday," Maya said, nodding, "So they haven't done anything."
"Well, stick with them," Julia said, "And do you live with anyone?"
"I have a roommate," Maya said, "Vic, she was in here earlier."
"Ok," Julia said, "I don't want you to be alone tonight."
"I'm going to stay with her tonight," Carina said.
"Good," Julia said, "Well, I am comfortable letting you go home as long as you make an appointment to see your therapist within the next few days, and if you have any thoughts of trying to end your life, please, come back to the ER."
Maya nodded, leaning back into Carina's arms.
"Can you tell my friends they can come back in?" Maya asked.
"Of course," Julia said, nodding as she left, "And Maya, remember, there are people who care about you."
Andy and Vic came back in a minute later.
"How are you doing Mai?" Vic asked, looking at her friend.
"I feel terrible," Maya said, "But as soon as Teddy releases me, I can go home."
"She's letting you go?" Vic said, a little concerned.
"As long as I'm not alone tonight," Maya said, nodding, "And Carina said she would stay."
"I'll be home too," Vic said.
"And I want to stay over too, if that's ok," Andy said.
"Does our whole team know I'm here?" Maya asked, suddenly extremely worried.
"No," Vic said, "We decided not to tell them, but I needed someone here, so I texted Andy. I hope that's ok."
Maya nodded, relaxing a little. Teddy came back in a few minutes later, checking a few things before agreeing to let Maya leave.
"Amelia and I are going to drop by later," Teddy said quietly to Carina, "If that's ok."
"Could you guys wait?" Carina asked, "I don't want to overwhelm her tonight, but tomorrow?"
"Of course," Teddy said, "Whatever you need."
"Thank you," Carina said, giving her friend a hug, "For everything."
"Of course," Teddy said, "Make sure you're taking care of yourself too. Today was a lot."
"I know," Carina said, "I already set up an emergency therapy appointment tomorrow."
"Good," Teddy said, "Now, get your girl home."
"Will do," Carina said, taking a deep breath before turning back to Maya, taking her girlfriend's hand and guiding her out of the hospital.
This one was hard to write. Also, just a disclaimer, I have no experience with actually attempting suicide and what the hospital visit after that would look like. I did some googling, but I apologize for any mistakes I made. I promise I will be nicer to Maya and Carina soon.