VIII

Audrey never knew what a mother was.

She knew, of course, of what they're supposed to be. She had seen it in her friends houses and in her beloved movies, how mothers are meant to cherish their daughters, brush their hair and kiss-it-better when they get hurt; she knew a mother was meant to be safety, comfort and undying love.

But she never knew what all those things were.

Maybe they're just pretty words for soft-spoken woman who wanted children, or maybe they're some secret kept by mothers and their daughters – either way, Audrey had never known what was to be held by someone who shared traits, blood and history with you. She never knew what was look in a mirror and see someone else, in the shape of your nose and the colour of your hair.

Because she never knew her mother – only the dizzy histories of her dad, about a half hell, half goddess woman who had moonlight in her fingertips and a galaxy in her eyes, and how he had loved her so much it made him forget wars and bloodsheds – and how she had left him after a year of pure bliss, when Audrey was just a crying baby.

She said she couldn't stay, he said, I think she never wanted to stay.

Audrey never paid much thought to those ifs and whys, because it was easier that way. Accepting always had been easier than fighting; and her dad always had so much sorrow and sadness that she couldn't bear to make him have more just for the sake of hers. Haunted grey eyes were in all of her nightmares.

Because her mother shattered his heart once again, and Audrey promised to never turn herself into her mother. To never broke someone, to never leave someone behind, like a forgotten music you used to know by heart but had left it in another life.

Audrey had endured all those little things she missed so dearly. She had kept this missing feeling in the pit of her chest, curling like a sleepy snake, forgotten and forbidden – she had ignored how her eyes would sting in Mother's days and how she would have to change conversation when people asked about her mother. She ignored all of those things for the sake of her dad and by hers – Audrey had never been a fighter, after all.

Until the summer of 1992 – weeks of sleazy afternoons painted golden and spent at her grandparent's house, longing in the back garden and exploring London with Sophie and Daphne, spending all their money with ice-cream – until they get sickly and their teeth hurt. The sun would make her cheeks reddish and her eyes hurt until she put some sunglasses, and Daphne would sneak them into a makeup store to look at all the red lipstick they would use when older and Sophie would steal one just for the fun.

Audrey never felt freer, and even if London wasn't her home, she never felt less lonely.

Till she met Amabel Roper. Sophie's mother was a hurricane turned flesh, as beautiful as her daughter, with a sharpness around her that promised anything but fierceness – she was all dark colours and flesh-cutting smiles, a pureblood witch who had run away from home at sixteen out of spite, carrying a baby in her – Sophie's older brother, Samuel.

She would pick up Audrey in the morning and cook them lunch, all while telling them anecdotes of when she had been a lively teenager, with winks and sassy remarks. Sometimes, she would braid Sophie's hair and just out of goodness, would do the same for Audrey – without the pragmatism of nannies, but with soft, warm hands, humming lullabies and laughing louder than what was polite.

Audrey had never found reason to be jealous of someone, but in that little moments in the kitchen of the Roper's family, she felt terrible empty.

There's nothing she wanted more than family.

"We should make a list", Daphne half-whispered to them in an afternoon in Blanchard's house, while Audrey, Sophie and Daphne's young sister – Astoria, who would always beg to tag along – stuffed themselves with the chocolate cake that the house-elves had made. Sophie sucked a finger full of chocolate and gulped, looking a bit confuse.

"A list of what?", she asked, narrowing her eyes. By her side, Astoria – who could pass as Audrey's sister as much as Daphne could, with ice-blonde air and upturned nose – looked like nothing in the world could matter more than sweets and the fact that her older sister had taken her to Audrey's house.

"Of boys, of course", Daphne said, as if saying the sky was blue. Audrey sighed, moving away her plat. "The cutest boys in Hogwarts. We make a list of all of them, and then we make a bet. By the time we finish Hogwarts, who had kissed most of the names on the list wins".

"Daddy said you can't kiss boys until you are twenty", said Astoria, blinking her greyish blue eyes.

"Shut up, Tori", Daphne dismissed.

"I think kissing boys is disgusting", Sophie replied, "Also, Audrey's got a lead".

Audrey's eyes grew up as a deer caught in headlights.

Daphne's narrowed her eyes, suspicious. "Why? Had you kissed anyone, Audrey?"

"No!", Audrey had to answer quickly, because it was true. Except, of course, if an accidental peck in the lips of Helen Carter in the second grade counted, which she doubted. The fact was that Audrey always had avoided, with all she had, thinking about boys and kissing them. She knew they would want to kiss her at some point – part of being a half-veela was attracting boys as flies to honey, but that scared Audrey so much it physically hurt.

She knew she already got stares. It was hard to ignore how, sometimes, older boys would look a little longer in her direction, or she would wear her skirts a bit longer to hide her legs, or how her dad would never let her be very far for him just out of concern. She was a kid and appreciated being one, without anyone actively looking at her.

"Audrey's the prettiest of us", Sophie said. "I've heard Zabini talking about her once. It's unfair".

"When had Zabini talked about me?", Audrey asked. "He spent half the term making fun of my braids. Why would he talk about me?"

"Well, isn't that what boys do when they like us? They annoy us until we pay attention to them", Astoria pipped, leaning on hers elbows to look better at Audrey. "Is he a pureblood? Mum says we can only date purebloods. I think your mum would get angry if you got a non-pureblood boyfriend".

"I'm not getting a boyfriend", Audrey said, feeling her cheeks burning hot under the stare of the other girls. "Anyway, why would I want Zabini to be my boyfriend? He is annoying. Actually, half of the Slytherin is terrible annoying".

"I agree with her", Sophie raised her hand. "I think boys are gross. Why would we want to stick our tongues in their throats?"

All the girls released a collective "ew", suddenly a bit horrified by the prospects. "Isn't like that!", Daphne defended. "Besides, we don't want to kiss them now, because we are only in the second year, but just wait until we get older. Also, Zabini is half Audrey's height. It would be weird".

"Anyone in our year is half my height", Audrey defended herself. "Evelyn says I will stop growing up soon, then the boys will catch up. I hope".

"Yeah, you hope", Daphne said, looking a bit confused. But she refocused quickly, fussing with the bag she had packed to spend the night at Blanchard's house. Her pale hands quickly found a piece of parchment and a quill, and she wrote in perfectly neat calligraphy.

THE CUTEST BOYS IN HOGWARTS
A compilation Daphne Greengrass, Sophie Roper & Audrey Blanchard.

"Why are we doing this?", Sophie groaned. Her hair had grown a bit since Audrey had bid her goodbye by the end of their first year in Hogwarts, and now her fringe half hid her greenish eyes. Audrey thought it was a pity because Sophie had nice eyes.

Audrey liked green eyes.

"Because its fun", Daphne dismissed. "Anyway, I think we could make a revision every year, cut off the ones who aren't that cute any more and the ones who graduated. And this is a secret! Pansy will want to get into the mix and since she is a cow half of the time, I don't want to play with her".

"The little, cute cows are scandalized now", Sophie pipped. "Anyway, I'm out. I don't care, I'm not kissing anyone, ever".

"Of course", Daphne sighed, and grudgingly risked Sophie's name of it. "You aren't disappointing me too, are you, Rey?"

Audrey had been ready to say no, to back off Sophie as the loyal friend she was – but her heart stopped a bit. She had never had a friend calling her a nickname before.

That was what Daphne finally was – a friend. Not a girl who she shared a dorm and liked to spent time with, but a friend who deserved as much loyalty as Sophie, even if their friendship were built by gossip, boys and pyjamas parties.

Audrey smiled.

"Never".

"What is the deal with that Lockhart fellow?", Audrey asked, while Sophie was messing up with her new enchanted school bag – it had an extensive charm on it, and Audrey was honestly a bit scared of what her friend would be doing with that. The Diagonal Alley was as much crowded as it had been all the times she had been there, the buzzing of chatting dancing in the air and mixing up with the screams of sellers announcing their products. "Why your mum said he is a charlatan?"

Sophie took her time, putting all the little things she had bought in the Diagonal Alley in her bag, before replying. "He is this really famous wizard, who allegedly did a lot of wonderful stuff. But mum's say he is just a lie tied with a nice smile".

Audrey shuffled her feet, while they slowly made their way in the crowded streets. Audrey and Daphne had been both invited to tag along with Sophie and buy their new books, but Daphne had all of her things ready since the first week after Astoria had annoyed their parents to buy her school stuff as soon as she could.

Audrey had happily accepted – she discovered that going shopping under Mrs. Roper supervision was a very fun thing to do; she would mostly let the girls do whatever they wanted, as long as they stayed in the Diagonal Alley. They could wander alone as much as they can, buy ice-cream and whatever they decided it was fund.

"And why is Hogwarts asking for all of his books?"

"I dunno", Sophie shrugged. "Maybe the new teacher is a fangirl? Sam says Dumbledore can't find a decent teacher even if his life depends on it. Merlin knows what we are getting this year".

"Can't be that bad", Audrey blinked. "Who they had before Quirrel?"

"Mr. Allen, who blow up the whole third floor with a wrong spelled jinx", Sophie closed her bag. "I honestly just want to finish the year alive. Anything else is a bonus".

Around midday, when they arrived in Flourish and Blotts – one of Audrey's favourite shops – they discovered that Audrey would be getting her first glimpse of Gilderoy Lockhart sooner than expected. In front of a bunch of middle-aged witches, she had read in a huge banner across the upper windows, flickering in different colours: 'GILDEROY LOCKHART will be signing copies of his autobiography MAGICAL ME'.

The girls looked at each other. "C'mon, prom queen", Sophie said, "let's find who the guy is".

The interior of the bookshop was even more full than Audrey thought to be possible. She squeezed herself in the crowd, bringing Sophie as close to her as possible. The woman seemed a bit dazed by the prospect of knowing Lockhart, and Audrey found it a bit funny – a lot of moms and whatever acting like teenagers in a boyband's concert.

They grabbed their collection of books as quickly as they could, hands working quickly and trembling under the weight of it. Sophie was cursing like a sailor and Audrey was puffing when she heard a squeaky and a "Audrey! Hey, Sophie!".

Hermione Granger, her somewhat of Gryffindor friend, was in front of her with her signature bunny-smile and her bushy hair frizzy as always. Audrey smiled back, brightly, and supported the weight of her books in her hip. "Hi, Hermione".

Behind the girl, as always, was Ron Weasley – who now was slightly taller than Audrey – and Harry Potter – who was still a lot smaller than her and still looked a lot like a lost puppy.

"Blanchard, Roper", Ron grumbled, as he usually did when she was around. Audrey smiled at him, just because she always thought it to be funny, before turning to Harry.

She noticed he had half of his face dirty with something that reminded her of ashes; his skin, normally pale and all, was smudged and marked here and there with little spots of black and grey. Audrey blinked, before slipping a hand in the pocket of her dress and fishing one of her handkerchiefs – the one with the nice embroidery, a pretty A.E.B in golden letters and the black cat of the Blanchard' coat of arms, and offered it to him, while balancing her books in her hip as best as she could.

"What you did this time, Potter? Half your face is covered with… Ashes?", she asked, half amused because if Audrey knew anything about Harry was that despite being a complete sweetheart – always kind to anyone around him – he had the ability to get in trouble as much as she had to get people to do what she wanted.

"I had trouble with the floo powder", the boy said blushing and taking her handkerchief, trying to get as clean as he could with it.

"It can't be Harry Potter?"

All of them froze instantly, as the crowd parted whispering. Audrey turned around, only to see the man that all those witches wanted so badly to know. Gilderoy Lockhart was certainly handsome: tall and blonde-haired, with a strong jaw and a dazzling smile that could put Audrey's to shame. He looked straight from a twisted fairytale, as a prince-charming turned man – Audrey could almost believe he was another half-veela, if she had not known better.

Audrey had been raised amidst liars and cheaters, social climbers athirst for a glimpse of her dad's attention, seeking a minute of the glory of being a part of the inner circle of a famous heir. She could feel the same feeling radiating from Lockhart, of greedy and terrible craving for attention and adoration. She could see it in the way he put himself in the better position to the cameras and in the way his eyes were locked into Harry, as someone seeing a winning lottery ticket.

The man dived and seized Harry's arm, who still had her handkerchief tightly stuck into his hand, shoving Audrey in the way – she and Sophie almost went directly into the ground, if not by Hermione and Ron, who grabbed them quickly. The girls looked at each other, baffled by the situation.

"When young Harry here stepped into Flourish and Blotts today, he only wanted to buy my autobiography — which I shall be happy to present him now, free of charge he had no idea, " Lockhart continued, "that he would shortly be getting much, much more than my book, Magical Me. He and his schoolmates will, in fact, be getting the real magical me. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have great pleasure and pride in announcing that this September, I will be taking up the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!"

The four students groaned loudly. Audrey couldn't believe it – to a girl who thought of herself as overall lucky, things were going pretty sour. Couldn't Dumbledore find anyone better at all?

Harry made his way out of the spotlight with trembling limbs, with all the works of Gilderoy Lockhart, which he happily gave to a little red haired girl who Audrey thought to be another Weasley. She was pretty in a small, delicate way, holding her second-hand cauldron and looking starry-eyed to Harry.

"Rey", Sophie elbowed her, her voice a bit higher than usual. "Malfoy is here. Oh, this is going to be a shit-show".

Audrey groaned even louder. Overall lucky, eh?

"Bet you loved that, didn't you, Potter?", they heard him before even Audrey and Ron, who were the tallest, could see the boy. He still had the same slurred voice, pronouncing his words in the prim way that only a high-born wizard boy could. "Famous Harry Potter," said Malfoy. "Can't even go into a bookshop without making the front page.

But before Sophie or Ron, who shared the first place in the club of Malfoy's haters, could make things worst – Hermione was all tense by Audrey's side – little Weasley, whose name Audrey had no idea at all, opened her mouth with a courage that would mostly probably put her in Gryffindor. "Leave him alone, he didn't want all that!".

Hermione muttered something under her breath, and Audrey hugged her books tightly. Sophie was all tense as a cat ready to lunge, her greenish eyes fixed into Malfoy. Putting Potter and Malfoy in the space was a recipe for disaster, but if you add Sophie, it was the recipe of a nuclear bomb.

But before things could really go out of control, someone shouted "Ron!". The man came with the Weasley twins – Fred and George – and Audrey thought immediately that he was probably Mr. Weasley, Ron's dad. He shared the red hair of his children, but his eyes were hard, as if ready to jump and separate a fight.

"Well, well, well — Arthur Weasley."

Audrey had never meet Mr. Malfoy, but it was hard to not recognize him when Draco looked like his exactly miniature – pale complexion and all. He was taller than Mr. Weasley, built in a another completely different way – while Ron's dad had this look of kindness around him, Malfoy was all hard edges and expensive clothes.

She thought he looked what her dad would have been if the war hadn't happened.

"Lucius", said Mr. Weasley, suddenly tense and coldly. Audrey and Sophie looked at each other again, feeling like they shouldn't be there.

"The company you keep, Weasley . . . and I thought your family could sink no lower —"

Audrey heard the loud thud of metal as a cauldron went flying, and a scream that could've been hers or Sophie's. Mr. Weasley thrown himself at Mr. Malfoy precisely, and Sophie jumped out of surprise and wanting a better look. Audrey has horrified by all of that, her heart in her throat while someone yelled "Get him, dad!".

"We should get out of here", she said to Sophie.

"Are you kidding me? Malfoy's beating is my favourite pastime. Oh boy, I love those bloody Weasleys!"

Evelyn helped her board the train by the end of the summer vacation – this time, Audrey made sure to not be difficult, since she had long ago made peace with the fact that her life would be made on Hogwarts, and not in the once idealized Ilvermony.

She, Sophie, Daphne and Astoria sat together in the Hogwarts Express in a compartment in the middle of the train. Sophie was babbling excited about the new year – she was, apparently, in love with the fact that she was sure to make into the Slytherin team. Audrey never doubted it, if the try-outs were fair; she had seen Sophie flying in their class last year – while she was not a Harry Potter, who was probably born attached to a broom, she was still hauntingly good, flying with a grace that Audrey could only dream about having.

By midday, after Audrey had bought a bunch of sweets, Hermione arrived at their compartment, suddenly looking rather close to pulling her own hair out; she was agitated, her pretty face marked by furrowed brows. "Audrey, had you seen Harry or Ron at all?"

The slytherin' girls looked at each other. In the last year, Audrey never had seen the Hermione far away from the boys, except in their study sessions; the girl, since becoming friends with them, had been terribly loyal, following them wherever they went.

"I don't know, Granger", Sophie said. "Weasley wouldn't sat with Slytherins, would he?"

Hermione sat at the compartment, very distressed. "They aren't anywhere – Fred and George swore they were behind them by the platform. Why aren't they in the train?"

Audrey frowned. "Are you sure they aren't with, I don't know, Neville or someone else? I can help you look if you want".

"I had asked him. I had asked everyone. I thought that maybe they were in trouble with Malfoy. Can you see it for me, please? I don't think Malfoy is going to be thrilled by me barging into his compartment"

"He doesn't like me either, Hermione", Audrey shrugged, "but I can see what I find. Anyway, they must be fine – Fred and George are the twins, aren't they? Ron's older brothers? If Harry and Ron were behind them, they can't have vanished between the platform and the train. They will turn up sometime".

Audrey left a freaked out Hermione to talk with her housemates – but none of them had seen Potter or Weasley; Malfoy even had the audacity to reply, "with some lucky the train left them behind". Just to help her conscience, she walked the train twice, looking into every compartment, but Hermione was right.

They weren't anywhere.

Audrey wanted to be able to say that her concern towards her Gryffindor friends lasted long, but that would be a lie – as soon as the feast started, and Audrey happily eat the Hogwarts' food, all of her troubles fled her mind. She had missed the incessant chatting of the Great Hall, the feeling of having someone sat close by her side, the soft light of the surrounding candles; she missed Daphne vibrant laugh, and Sophie' rude remarks, and Dumbledore nonsensical quirks.

She had missed her life terrible – her life, at Hogwarts, she suddenly noted.

Because her life before it was no longer that meaningful, and it was okay.

Growing up wasn't that bad.

a/n: i know i'm late but i'm old and college is killing me. anyway, thanks to everyone who is reading and who left a nice review! i hope you like this chapter. what would you like to read in this story? and are you liking audrey this far?
love,
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