If you thought the time apart had been skimmed over...here are the details of Edward's pain. Approach with caution. It might trigger personal memories from break-ups.

Chapter 11: Agony

It hurt like a bitch. It was stinging and to say the sensation was weird, was an understatement. Her hand was squeezing his neck and he couldn't breathe as her nails penetrated his skin.

Edward realized that something awful was about to happen and maybe, for the first time, he understood her worries. He should have listened to her and not to his seventeen year old hormonal body. She knew better. She knew her limits and he pushed them, and now…if he couldn't talk her out of it…he'd probably be drained of blood in seconds.

He could see the head titles: Teenage boy body found in abandoned cottage. Suspicious wounds on his neck.

"Bella, it's me." He tried to reason with her. He had never been so scared of her. "Umm, you don't want to do that."

Her red eyes were scorching and watching him wildly, frenzied, unsure where to bite probably. As the pressure on his neck doubled, he resolved to shouting.

"BELLA! Bella, please! I love you!"

And then, she told him to leave.

Edward had never thought it was possible to go from the top of the mountain to the bottom so fast. Seconds ago, he was experiencing the most surreal things of his life, touching Bella, tasting Bella, being inside Bella…and now, because he'd never listened to what he was told, he had to go in order to stay alive.

He dressed quickly, and with a final glance at her, he was out of her house. He had no idea how he made it home, but it was dusk when he opened the front door.

"Studying late, again?" His mom asked from the kitchen as he tried to subtly go up the stairs and clean his neck. "Edward?" She wanted an answer to her stupid question.

Edward groaned and looked up the stairs then to the kitchen. He had to hide his wounded neck somehow.

"Be right back," he promised, and sprinted up the stairs and locked himself in the bathroom.

He looked in the mirror and felt his stomach revolting. There were two punctures on the right side of his neck, one close to his jaw and another one under his left ear. He had dried blood on his neck and shirt and he could see it oozing from the two spots that were bigger. Edward could tell his mom he had cut myself while shaving, although he didn't have hair on his neck. Fuck! He was in trouble.

"Edward! What are you doing there? I need to talk to you!" His mom shouted from downstairs.

"HOLD ON!" He hollered back, still staring at his neck. He found some alcohol and put a little on a cotton ball then touched it to his neck. "HOLY FUCK!" He shouted, stuffing his fist in his mouth, hopping around, tears brimming in his eyes. That wasn't a good idea. It stung like hell. At least, it got the job done. He wasn't getting infected. It stopped the bleeding after he cleaned it with some water. He tiptoed to his room and stripped down his shirt, throwing it under the bed and picking a turtleneck shirt then finally going downstairs.

"Finally!"

"Sorry, Mom. Uhh, emergency," he mumbled, turning red. She could think whatever she wanted of that piece of information.

"Are you okay, now?" she asked, concerned.

"Yep."

"Good. I need you to make a trip to La Push and bring me the fish from Sue. She called me earlier, but I was at work. I came home and started dinner, but I still need to add it."

He nodded and left. All the way there, Edward kept wondering how Bella was. He hoped she wasn't blaming this on herself. He couldn't wait until later tonight when she came to visit.

He parked in front of the little yellow house and rushed to the door since he hadn't thought to grab a jacket and it was pretty cold this spring evening. The house was so close to the ocean, making it even colder.

The door opened and Leah gasped in surprise, looking at him shocked. He pushed inside past her.

"Hey, I'm here to get the fish."

"Oh, right," she said softly, somewhat disappointed. "Couldn't have showered before dropping by, could you?"

"Would you stop this? Everyone smells fine!"

"To you, I suppose," she giggled. "The cold ones smell sickeningly sweet. Like caramels, honey, candies, chocolate, sherbet and old grandma wearing a whole bottle of a fruity perfume – all in one."

Edward couldn't help but laugh at her little outburst. "Must be better than the wet dog smell," he said it before he realized it would hurt her. "Shit. I'm sorry, Leah."

"Yeah, it's okay." She shrugged then her eyes lit up. "Do I really smell that bad to her?"

"Yeah, you do. I have to scrub thoroughly after I'm near you or Jake."

"That's great news." She handed him the bag with the fish.

"It is?" he asked, confused.

"And you're meeting her now?" she asked, eagerly.

"Not now, now…" He trailed off, unsure if he should tell her about the nightly routine. "But I'll see her soon."

"Amazing!" She flung herself at him and hugged him tightly, rubbing her cheek on his chest. "There." She beamed after taking a few steps back. "Now, you smell better."

Edward rolled his eyes and turned to go. His hand didn't reach the door handle as she grasped it. One hand on his arm, one tugging at his turtleneck down, her eyes and mouth open in horror.

"It's not…" He whimpered, trying to shake free from her grip.

Leah was shaking so much he was sure she'd phase in front of him. He'd had enough adrenaline for one day.

"You're not leaving," she hissed, her voice trembling. "How are you feeling? How could she do it? She promised!"

"It's not what you think!" He yelled over her growls.

"Edward, I know a bite when I see it!"

"Based on what? She doesn't have fangs!" He was aware of his loud voice and that it sounded hysteric.

She blinked. "No?"

"NO!" Edward snatched his arm from hers and pulled his turtleneck in place. "And don't tell anyone about this."

"Then what the hell is it?" Her eyes narrowed to slits.

"Could you two keep your voices down? I have a pape… She bit him?" Seth asked from the doorway of his room, his eyes bugging out.

What was wrong with them? Then Edward looked at his hand and saw the blood. The wounds had reopened and they were bleeding.

"What was in her stinky head?" Leah snapped and pulled him to the bathroom. "Seth, come here, I need help," she order to her little brother. "Take it off," Leah told Edward harshly.

"Sorry?" he asked, confused.

"Your shirt. Off."

He obliged, praying she wouldn't see other marks he hadn't noticed yet. He stayed quiet as she used some sort of rough stone on his wounds, it burnt, but it stopped the bleeding. She told him it was called Alum. As he held the stone to the spots on his throat, she put some kind of miraculous detergent on his shirt. They used the blow dryer to dry his shirt.

When Edward returned home, he had been gone for about an hour. He gave his mom the fish.

"I thought you went to catch it!" She chuckled.

"Ehh, no…I talked with Leah and Seth."

She nodded, smirking. Edward didn't want to read too much into that. After his dad came home and they ate dinner, he went to his room half expecting to find Bella in there. He checked his phone, but there was nothing so he showered, hoping to take the Leah-smell off his body. It was close to eleven when he called Bella for the first time, getting no answer from her. It wasn't until the first rays of daylight that he realized she had blamed herself and was probably long gone by now.

He thought of going to her house, but the image of the empty house made his head spin. Or maybe, there was no house at all and he had lived a dream for the past four months. Edward turned the lock of his door and put the blanket over his head, remembering everything, playing it scene by scene in his head – from the first time he'd seen her, last year, until mere hours ago.

His mother didn't check on him before leaving for work and he was okay with that. Actually, he didn't really care about anything else. He felt like suffocating which was a sure sign of a panic attack. He couldn't live without Bella. He needed her more than the air he breathed. Edward couldn't conceive a day without her, let alone forever? That's when the panic settled in and he started gasping for air, clawing at his sheets and thumping his feet on the bed like a stubborn little girl. He couldn't accept this. She was going to call. She was going to be at school. That thought made him smile and he rushed through his morning routine, grabbing some food then driving to school, ready to apologize for his insistence. She had known better and he had pushed her limits.

He didn't see her car, so he waited, leaning against his. The bell rang and he never made it inside the building. When he heard the bell again, signaling the end of the first class, Edward felt burning around his eyes and ducked inside the car, driving home. He had no idea how he made it back in one piece, because when he was close to the road that led to her house in the forest, he broke down, his vision blurry. Once home, he went back to his room, locking the door once again and curling in the corner and allowing the news to settle in while he sobbed.

He hadn't cried like this since he was five years old and his parakeet died. It had been his fault, once again because he had used the slingshot inside the house while playing with Jacob.

Another sob ripped through him and he wasn't sure why he was crying anymore. It always happened like this: he started to cry because of something and then he remembered all the things that ever made him cry and he let it go.

After a while, his throat raw and face blotchy, Edward wiped his nose with the back of his hand, trying to breathe, which proved difficult; his nostrils were blocked. He kept inhaling until he ended up swallowing the snot, which seemed incredibly funny at that moment. He couldn't stop laughing until all the crying, not eating much, and the snot tried to crawl back out. He made it to the bathroom in time. Of course, when you throw up, tears spring to your eyes. That resulted in another round of crying on the cold tile of the bathroom, and this round didn't seem to end. There were so many memories from when he was sick and how Bella had taken care of him. Even the tile reminded him of her – being a warm brown – and to the touch, it was freezing cold.

After throwing up again, Edward managed to cleanse his mouth and crawl back to his room, sitting in the corner. He felt like this was punishment for forcing Bella to do something she was sure she couldn't. It wasn't long before he felt the tears rolling down his cheeks again.

A knock on his door, startled him and he realized he hadn't locked the door after returning from the bathroom trip.

"Edward, honey? I got a call from school," his mom whispered stepping inside the room. "Are you in here?"

Oh right, she couldn't see him since he was behind the door. Maybe, if he was quiet, she'd go away.

"I swear, you've been so reckless since you met Bella," she grumbled and the door started closing.

A scream of agony, probably, escaped him and the sobs erupted more violently than earlier. Suddenly, his mom was next to him, raising his chin and looking concerned.

"Edward!" She exclaimed and hugged him to her chest. Edward clutched at her shirt, bawling like a little kid, welcoming her warm scent and everything that was her – mom. He needed her more than ever. "What happened, my baby?" She stroked his hair, his face, wiped his tears.

He squeezed his eyes, wondering if he could tell her that Bella broke up with him. He hadn't thought those exact words until then, and the reality behind them resulted in him crying harder. He knew he wasn't going to talk any time soon. His mom seemed to understand and wrapped her arms around him, rocking them softly. Edward pressed his face to her chest, willing the tears to stop falling. He hated being so weak.

As he calmed down, he became aware of footsteps coming closer, hushed words spoken and a door gently closing. Yeah, his dad didn't like to see his girl crying. Edward raised a hand to wipe his nose as he lay there quietly, listening to his mom's breathing and heartbeat.

And because she had a sadistic side, she started singing softly and he burst in a new round of tears. He didn't deserve anyone.

Edward woke up on his bed and wondered how he had gotten there. He rubbed at his eyes, trying to unfasten his crusted lids. He tried not to think of the previous day, but kept having flashes of him bawling in the corner of the room. There was a note on the nightstand and he reached for it, feeling incredibly weak. He hadn't eaten much, thrown up twice, then there was the crying. Who thought crying could be exhausting? They say it brings relief. Yeah, right. It brings relief, my ass. Edward wanted nothing more than to put the pillow over his head and continue where he'd left off last night.

I talked with the Principal and you can stay home this week. Mom took some free time to stay with you.

I hope you are better.

Dad

Mom was home? For him? Edward really didn't deserve them. When he looked again at the nightstand, he noticed a glass of milk and two muffins under a napkin. He wasn't going to let the tears fall for something so little.

When he heard movement from the rocking chair near the window, he shot up with the stupidest smile on him face, which fell the second he saw it was only his mother, sleeping in the most painful position ever.

The sob caught in his throat and he wasn't sure why he was crying – because Bella wasn't there or because his mom loved him so much that she stayed so close the whole night. He had probably freaked her out yesterday.

Edward wondered if he could get her in bed. She couldn't possibly be that heavy. Although, with his two left feet and clumsy hands, he managed to wake her up before he could try to move her.

"Edward, honey, what are you doing?" She asked, surprised to see him hovering over her. His arms were still outstretched, as if to pick her up.

"I…wanted to move you to the bed." His voice was husky for not being used in so long and crying for hours.

She cupped his cheek and smiled weakly. Then she reached for his hand and tugged him to sit on her lap.

"Remember when I used to come here when you were little and you had a nightmare? I'd rock you the whole night," she whispered gently in his hair.

Edward put his head on her shoulder and watched a tear traveling down his nose and falling between them.

"What happened?" she whispered.

He knew this was coming. He gave her an honest answer. "I messed up."

"You hurt her?" She questioned softly, never accusing.

Define hurt, he thought to myself. "Not physically."

"Edward, Bella is a sweetheart and she would forgive you. I'm sure of that."

"Mo-om." He hiccupped and hugged her tighter. "I think…she left."

"Where would she go? Don't be silly, now. Don't worry if she won't answer the phone for a few days – that's how girls are. You'll be back together in no time."

"Mom, it's my fault!" He tried to make her understand.

"You have to admit that to her and apologize. Maybe you should buy her flower-"

"MOM! Bella wasn't comfortable with…" Edward closed his mouth and opened it then closed it again. "I forced her, okay?" It was a horrible thing to say, but it was kinda true.

And there it came. Right in his poor left ear. "EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN!" And then the slap across his face came. After which came the lecture.

He took it all, with his head tucked in his chest. He enjoyed every slap and every tug at his hair. He deserved them. It wasn't right to lie like that to his mom, but he couldn't tell her that they both wanted it and Bella was scared of hurting him so he lied and he endured the consequences.

Once she stopped yelling and her chest was heaving as if she had run a marathon, her eyes narrowed. "You actually didn't do anything. I hope," she seethed. "Edward, you didn't!" His mom gasped, outraged, when he didn't answer. "What have I taught you?! I've raised you better than this!"

Edward raised a finger, trying to mollify his lie and deny that he actually had sex with Bella. His mom slapped his finger away. "Don't you try finding excuses! What you did is inexcusable! No wonder the poor girl left! And she had no one! Don't you have a heart? I can't believe you're my son! What happened to you Edward? It's like you've lost your mind since you started dating Bella!"

"Mom…"

"Don't you 'Mom' me!" She snapped and whirled around. In the doorway she stopped and turned to look at me. He had never seen her so angry. Never. "Tell me – and I mean, CONFIRM IT – that you used protection."

He gulped, his whole face caught fire. He hated sex talk. He didn't hear her words because they were too high for human ears to comprehend what she said next, but he heard the door slamming so hard that a picture fell from the wall.

Edward needed to pat himself on the back for what had happened. He fell on the rocking chair and sighed, putting his hands in his hair and pulling at it.

.

.

.

Time passed relatively quickly and extremely quietly after that. He went to school, hoping, wishing, Bella would appear. It never happened. His own mother was avoiding him at all costs while his dad was trying to pacify hem, always ending up sleeping on the couch. Edward told him to give it up before something else happened. He was sure he couldn't survive if one of them left the house. It was already tense around there, but with them fighting too, he couldn't take it.

Leah visited one day and she learned what had happened after his visit to her house. She dropped by every day after that. Until his mom found them in Edward's room, working over homework and had a hissy fit about him being alone with her. Leah didn't know the details of Bella's departure. After that, they moved their studying sessions to the living room where his mom could see them. That was a little extreme.

Like I was thinking of that! Edward couldn't even concentrate on school, he was always thinking of Bella, wondering where she was, how she was… He held a single ray of hope, knowing she couldn't feed from anyone else, she'd come back. Every morning, Edward checked his wrists, but they never hurt or had any sign of being injured. Every night, he stayed up for as long as he could keep his eyes open, crying in his pillow and wishing he could turn back time.

About three weeks after his meltdown, he was on the couch with Leah, helping her with Calculus. They were sitting next to each other and he was leaning against her, explaining the correct way to get the result. Edward saw it with the corner of his eye, how she kept glancing at him or, more accurately – his lips.

"Do you understand, now?" he asked, turning his head to her.

She leaned closer. "I guess." She smiled, but her black eyes locked on his lips like a blind man staring at the sun.

Edward knew what she wanted and he thought about what he was going to do before he acted. At least, one of them should be happy. He pecked her lips – just brushing them.

"You're welcome." He moved on his side of the couch and returned to his abandoned English essay.

"Edward, you-"

"I thought you wanted to," he said nonchalantly. He felt his heart hammering wildly in his chest. He had a burning feeling in his stomach. He felt like he was cheating on Bella.

"Why the sudden change of heart? I'm not your last resort!"

"I never said that. I realized you deserve to be happy."

"What about you?"

"What about me?" He countered, throwing his book to the floor.

"Do you even like me?" Leah asked softly.

"I wouldn't have kissed you if I found you repulsive." Girls were confusing.

"Let me get this straight, you'd kiss me because you know I want you to and you want me to be happy."

"A small correction," he quipped. "I'd do more than kiss you if you want. I really want you to be happy."

"More?" She squeaked.

Edward rolled his eyes. "Like…get you from school, help you with homework," he nodded to the papers on the coffee table, "take you out for ice cream…" He shrugged. "Kiss you." He put a grin on for effect.

Edward came to hate her super speed. He didn't even see her jumping on him and suddenly, she was straddling his lap and kissing him. There was something different and he knew it was the way they were kissing. French kissing. Something he had never experienced with Bella. He sniffed as softly as possible, hoping she wouldn't notice, but she did and took his head in her hands.

"Now, this is the part you tell me something got in your eyes or I suck at kissing or… that you still love her…" Leah told him, eyeing him concerned.

He dropped his eyes and blinked quickly, trying to get rid of the tears. It didn't work. More came.

"I feel like a pussy," he mumbled and wiped his eyes.

"Can you tell me what really happened?" she asked gently, sitting closer.

Edward told her everything, skipping as fast as he could over the sex part. There were wet splotches on his gray sweatpants by the time he finished with what his mom misunderstood.

"But you don't even know if she left!" Leah exclaimed.

"Why else wouldn't she call or come to school?"

"She's a freaking vampire! She doesn't have to socialize! She simply exists. Unfortunately."

He glared at her and she smiled weakly, shrugging an apology.

"As for your mother…you should tell her the truth. Does she even know about your neck? Or that you didn't rape Bella, just pressured her?"

"She hasn't looked at me since the argument! I doubt she'd notice if I died."

"Don't say such things! And you should talk to her, tell her the parts she can understand."

"I can see that conversation going very well. 'Hey, Mom, I have to tell what really happened with Bella.' She won't look at me and I'd start rambling, adding something like, 'Oh, yeah, by the way, Bella's a vampire. Cool, eh?' Is this what you want me to tell her?"

"Not in so many words, but yes. You could skip the vampire part."

"I may actually say it, loud and clear. I'd probably get her attention that way."

They stared at each other for a few minutes then doubled over in laughter. It felt good to laugh. He hadn't laughed in a long time.

After she left, Edward didn't get the courage to tell his mother anything. He stood in the doorway of the kitchen for at least half an hour, opening and closing his mouth, trying to find the best way to approach the subject. When he plucked up the courage, his mom brushed past him, up the stairs. He wondered how long she could keep this no talking thing up. She was his mother, after all!

He idly wondered if she'd talk with him if he got sick or accidentally cut his finger or something. Edward was desperate to hear her speak to him, to see her look at him, to have her make him muffins – to just have her back. His dad was making a personal effort to leave work at six and be home to eat dinner with his son. Edward appreciated it, but when he had cases to resolve, Edward ended up eating alone in his room or, more often lately, he found myself having dinner at Leah's house.

They hadn't really said the words, but everyone guessed what was going on. Everything seemed to proceed fairly normal between them, although he wasn't present one hundred percent. Until one day in late April, when Edward was working with Jake on his car.

Leah dropped by with food and Jake, as always, wriggled his eyebrows at his friend. Edward flipped him off and kissed her lips once, as it had become their 'hello'.

"What's for dinner?" he asked, taking the bag from her hand.

"Mac and cheese."

"Oh, man! I love it"! Jacob shouted and snatched the bag from Edward's hands.

There were only two containers, but he was used to sharing his with Leah. She always had an extra fork.

They took a seat inside the car and started eating. He was in the passenger's seat with her on his lap as Jake sat behind the wheel.

"It should be done soon," Jake contemplated, looking out the windscreen.

"Did you find the plugs?" Edward asked, taking a bite from the delicious food. Leah really could cook. He regretted doubting her skills.

"No, but Sam promised to look for them next time he goes to Seattle."

Edward kept asking him what parts he still needed until Leah groaned.

"Can you two talk about something else? Or at least, talk in English! I don't speak car language."

"We're speaking English, Lee," he whispered. She always liked when he called her like that, and now was no different; she sagged against his chest and sighed.

But he ruined the moment big time with his next words. "Bella knew cars." The words tumbled out of his mouth on their own accord, taking him and everyone else by surprise. The effect was immediate and painful. Leah left the car, nearly smashing her head to the ground when her leg caught on Edward's foot and he put a hand over his eyes, hoping Jacob wouldn't see the tears.

"Man, have you tired…going to her house?" he asked quietly.

"She told me to LEAVE! She doesn't want me!"

"That's because you took it that way!" Leah yelled. Edward thought she had left the garage. "You men are clueless sometimes! She told you to leave because she was afraid of hurting you further or that's what I hope," she mumbled the last part.

"Then why hasn't she come to me? Once she was calm and in control," he challenged, getting out of the car.

"I can't answer that," she spat in his face. "I'm not a vampire, Edward! I'm sorry for that! I truly am, but all I am is a wet dog."

"Leah…"

"DON'T! I should have known. I knew it would come to this. It didn't work. You tried to make me happy, but are you happy?"

"Doesn't matter. I don't matter," he hissed.

"You matter. A lot. Edward, I love you. That's why I am going to talk with your leech and make her see sense!" She whirled around, her tears splashing as she ran out of the garage.

Edward was gaping after her. She loved him? He felt awful for everything. He should have never tried to be with her. It wasn't even working. He knew what it was to be with someone and what he was doing with Leah was…what five year old kids do. Holding hands on the beach, eating ice cream and stealing an innocent kiss.

Edward needed Bella and her passionate love, the almost carnal feeling of having her in his arms, kissing her. He couldn't forget how she looked when they made love. That image haunted him. She was radiant.

"What happened to him?" Edward heard a vaguely familiar voice.

"He's been like this for a while," someone answered. He recognized the voice as Jacob's. "I think it's hysterics."

"What brought this on?" the first person asked. The voice was so warm and familiar, but he couldn't really focus on his surroundings.

"A talk about…Bella."

"Oh, for God's sake! Not again! Get him inside."

"Man, help me now. I can't carry you up the stairs. It would look weird."

They were home. How did they get here? Edward hiccupped violently and grasped the banister, lowering himself on the stairs. He heard Jacob mumbling something and then a door closing.

"It looks like you have more to tell me."

Edward raised his head and saw his mom through blurry eyes. She had been the familiar voice.

"I shouldn't have…It just came back…If I hadn't thought…"

"Edward! Take a breath, honey. Breathe."

He took a breath, but felt like suffocating. He shouldn't have let this built inside, but he relied on being with Leah and thought the bad thoughts were gone. He was mistaken.

"Now, can you talk?" He felt her hand on his and squeezed it with both of his.

"Mom," he whimpered. "I can't tell you."

"Don't be silly. I have to understand this. It looks like you were more hurt than I thought, in the process."

"It's not really the way you interpreted it. I can't tell you! Please, you won't understand."

"Try to stop crying. You'll be okay." She brushed his tears away and kissed his forehead. When she rose, Edward thought she'd leave so he held on her hand tightly.

"I'm going to bring you something good. Stay here." She returned quickly with a glass of water and two small pills. "Let's get you to bed, first."

"I don't need these!"

"Trust me, you need them. Everyone has been through a break up, Edward. You'll be fine. Time heals the wound."

She led him to his room and he slumped on the bed, taking the pills dutifully. He didn't want to believe her. He knew there would be no one else for him. He knew it because he had tried it with Leah and…it backfired on him.

In the morning, Edward woke up to loud pounding in the front door. He decided to ignore it, but the person was insistent as hell. Whatever his mom had given him, it made him groggy and barely able to walk. On the way to the door, he rubbed at his eyes violently, wishing he could see more than two feet in front of him. He should stop crying before going to bed.

When Edward opened the door, he couldn't help but close it immediately back. He was sure it was his brain playing games. Bella couldn't be there, but she was outside the door and after opening and closing it a few times, they started shouting and his silly joke about the living dead seemed to do the trick. She flung herself at him and hugged him tightly. Edward didn't have the heart to tell her it hurt, because honestly, he'd take any pain just to have her back.

When he realized Leah was behind this, he got angry, completely forgetting their shouting contest in the garage. He should have known she'd do something like this. He didn't quite get her analogy with the flower, but Bella seemed to understand it and like it enough to come into the sun and stop a few inches from Leah. For a second, Edward thought Bella would hug Leah, but they thought better of it and just smiled at each other. Seth was in awe at seeing Bella sparkling, Jake couldn't keep his eyes off her sparkling legs and the boyfriend in Edward reacted. He stripped down his shirt and wrapped it around her waist, making everyone laugh.

He shrugged in dismay. At least, everything was okay, and who would have guessed that a human's broken heart could bring vampires and werewolves together?

Still with me?