Chapter 10: September 18th
When Lexa woke up for school the next morning, she quickly got ready and ran downstairs for a quick breakfast. Anya and her dad were already eating so she grabbed a bowl and pour herself some cereal.
"I wanted to talk to you girls before you went off to school." Gustus said, pouring a cup a coffee in the process. "I know Friday is a hard day for all of us, so I want you girls to come to me if you need to talk about anything."
September 18th aka the worst day of Lexa's life, the day her mother died. She hated that a having a death anniversary was a thing, she didn't want to talk about how her mom's been gone for 3 years. She didn't want to look at pictures of her and reminisce on good times, they shouldn't have to do that she should be here. Whenever that date rolled around, she elected to stay in her room all day and think about not drinking so that's exactly what she would do.
"I was thinking we could eat dinner together that night."
"Sounds good dad." Anya said forcing a smile.
"Fine, can we go know?" Lexa sat her bowl in the sink and grabbed her bag before heading outside.
She knew she was being a bitch, but she didn't want to talk about the day anymore.
"You didn't have to react like that." Anya shouted, running to catch up with her. "Before you react you need to realize he lost her too."
"Don't you think I know that?" Lexa huffed.
"We're not going to argue over this Lexa, all I'm saying is when it comes to mom you always act like you're the only one who gets to miss her."
Lexa was silent.
"I'm not saying this to throw it your face, but you weren't there when he was crying himself to sleep every night or staring at her stuff in their room or staring at her photo like it would make her appear. I know you don't like the day, none of us do but if Dad needs this dinner then please just let him have it." Anya pleaded, getting a nod from Lexa in return. "Now come on before we're late.
"So, Clarke how are you feeling today?" Jackson asks.
It was the next day and Clarke was back at Jackson's office like he asked.
"I'm fine." Clarke answered.
"Your mom told me you decided to stay home from school this week."
"I got all my work; I just needed some space."
"Space is good, hopefully you can go back Monday morning with a clear head."
"I hope." For the last couple of days Clarke hasn't had much contact with her friends.
Octavia had been texting and calling her nonstop, but she just needed some time to sort out her issues, issues Octavia doesn't know about.
"Yesterday we kind of dove straight in but usually I like to ask some introductory questions just to get you comfortable and learn a little more about you."
"Ok."
"I know your parents have persuaded you to come here but in your own words what do you feel is your biggest problem? Like what do you struggle with the most?"
"I guess my anger."
"Ok, yesterday we discussed finding some methods to deal with your anger, is that something you want?"
"Yes."
"And what about your other feelings, when you're not feeling angry what's something else you have a hard time dealing with?"
"I guess there are times where I feel overwhelmingly sad and just exhausted."
"Can you think of situations where you feel contributes to those feelings?"
"My last relationship and just school stress I suppose."
"How is your school life? I know yesterday you mentioned running for class president, did you win?"
"Yes."
"Does that role carry a lot of responsibility?"
"Somewhat, most of it is simple stuff like organizing homecoming and different events for your class. Right now, we're about to start organizing the homecoming."
"That sounds like it could be fun."
This was going to be a long day.
School was starting to feel like too much of a routine for Lexa, it's not that she didn't like school but doing the same things everyday was starting to drive her crazy. She went to the same classes and saw the same people and it was getting too repetitive. Lucky for her today was the day she would start her new job.
"So, this will be your main setup." Sinclair, who was her new boss, was giving her a tour of the shop. It wasn't a big place, but it was nice.
She knew she wouldn't get to fix many cars which was fine, she was mostly excited just to work in a place that's not food or clothes related.
After showing her around Sinclair left Lexa to look over the price list and any information she would need to know. She had always been rather good at memorizing so remembering this stuff would be no problem.
"Hey new girl." Raven smiled. "What do you think so far?"
"I like it, I haven't done much but I did get to hand Sinclair a few tools."
"Sounds groundbreaking." Raven laughed.
"Very monumental stuff, but it's been pretty chill today."
"It'll pick up over time, so do you have any plans this weekend?"
Clearly Anya hadn't mentioned what Friday was for them, which doesn't surprise her. She didn't like talking about it much, neither of them did.
"Probably not, what about you?"
"Everyone's being boring, Octavia's mad because Clarke won't talk to her, Anya's being weird, and I don't want to hangout with anyone else."
Clarke won't talk to Octavia? That's weird, she hadn't seen the girl in a few days but obviously something was up with her.
"What do you mean Anya's acting weird?" Lexa asks.
"She's just been really distant, I asked her what's wrong, but she said nothing. Obviously, I know that's not the case I just don't know what I did wrong." Raven sighed.
"Listen Raven, I'm sure you didn't do anything wrong."
"It feels like it though."
She should just tell her, even though it wasn't her place, but the girl was obviously worried. Anya will probably kill her but that's a problem for later.
"Raven I'm sure it's not you, Friday is kind of a hard day for us." Lexa sighed. "It's the day our mom died; it's probably why she's being distant."
"Oh, I didn't know." Raven frowned
"She doesn't talk about it, none of us really do honestly."
"What should I do?"
"Just let her know you'll be there for her, and if she wants to talk about it, she'll come to you."
"Right, well the same goes for you to Lexa. I'm not just dating your sister, me and you are friends too." Raven smiled.
Lexa just smiled, she liked Raven and she was happy Anya had her since she's never seen the girl date anyone.
It was Thursday night and Lexa was hauled up in her room doing some homework. They hadn't discussed Friday since her dad proposed they have dinner and Lexa was feeling more anxious about it than anything. She didn't want to go to this dinner because she knew what would happen. They would talk about all things her mom used to do and how amazing she was, but she wasn't there yet. She accepted that she was gone but she till couldn't even look at the women's picture without feeling like she wanted to cry.
"What the hell Lexa!" An incredibly angry Anya rushed into the girl's room holding up her phone.
"What?" Lexa asked confusingly.
"You told Raven about mom."
"She was worried about you I was just trying to help."
"Well I don't need your help, it's my choice to tell her not yours!"
"I'm sorry I didn't think you would be this mad."
"Of course you wouldn't." Anya rolled her eyes before storming off back towards her room.
She figured she be a little upset, but she never imagined this, after hearing the door slam she got up to close her own door. Trying to focus on homework was pointless, her mind wouldn't like her think about anything else. She just needed to get through tomorrow, and everything else will be fine.
The next morning, she woke up earlier so she could slip out of the house without talking to her dad and Anya. She wanted to skip the awkward breakfast since she would already have to do dinner.
When she got to school, she realized it was another day without Clarke. The girl hadn't been to school all week which seemed really strange. She missed talking to her especially now since she was the only one, she's even mentioned her mom to.
Lexa was walking to her next class when she felt someone walk up next to her, for a second, she thought it was Clarke but nope, it was just Anya.
"I don't even want to know what happened to you this morning, but you better be at dinner tonight."
"I never said I wasn't going Anya." Even though she really didn't want to.
"Let me rephrase, I hope you're at dinner tonight with a decent attitude."
"Whatever Anya." Lexa went into her classroom hoping the girl wouldn't follow and to her surprise she didn't.
She had gotten a text from her dad asking if she was ok and she told him she was, the last thing she wanted him to do was worry about her. She would be fine, at least that's what she keeps telling herself.
The day went by and Lexa felt like she was dragging herself form class to class without learning a thing. She zoned out most of it opting to listen to music instead, it's not that she didn't want to listen, but her brain wouldn't shut up long enough for her to learn anything.
When she got home, she hid in her room while her dad prepared their dinner. They hadn't exchanged many words just a how was your day and dinner will be ready soon.
Anya was still mad about her telling Raven, so they hadn't talked much either.
"Girl's dinner."
Here it was, the thing she's been dreading all day. It wasn't like they haven't ate dinner together since she died but the day made everything different.
When she got downstairs, she noticed Chicken Alfredo on the table, her mothers favorite. They used to eat it all the time but that stopped when she died and now here it was again.
"I thought I would make her favorite." Gustus smiled.
"Looks good." Anya says taking her seat.
Lexa sat in her chair reluctantly not sure if she could do this. Her dad passed around their plates, but Lexa just stared at hers.
"Is there anything you guys want to share, any memories you've been thinking of today?" Gustus suggested.
"Sure."
"No." Lexa says earning a glare from Anya.
"Lexa."
"No, it's fine, I just thought you girls would want to talk about her."
"We can if you want dad." Anya said. "I'll start, I remember how she used to always cook this for us because it was the only thing, she was good at making." Anya laughed.
"She wasn't the best cook." Gustus smiled.
"She did make Chicken Parm once that wasn't to terrible." Anya smiled. "Except for the burnt pieces."
This is what she wanted to avoid; she didn't want to talk about the memories they have. She didn't want to laugh at something she used to do or talk about how she couldn't cook; she didn't want to do it.
"Oh I almost forgot, I thought it would be nice to have her picture out here while we ate." Gustus got up and grabbed a frame from the kitchen
When Lexa looked up, she saw her, her long brown hair, her tanned skin and those big green eyes that looked so much like her own. She's spent the last three years avoiding those eyes, but here they were staring holes into her skin.
"No." Lexa whispered.
"Lexa." Anya glared.
"No, no why would you do that? Why would you put her picture on the table?" She was hyperventilating, all the air in the room was gone and she couldn't breathe.
"Lexa, calm down I can put it away." Gustus tried to comfort his daughter but the closer he got, the farther she backed away.
"No, I can't do this." Lexa cried. "I can't sit here like this I can't."
"Lexa please just take a deep breathe."
"I can't do it." She repeated. "I have to get out of here." She quickly grabbed her bag before running out the front door.
She kept running until she couldn't hear her dad yelling her name and she finally felt like she could breathe. She was only a couple of blocks from her house, but she didn't want to go back, she couldn't. Instead she walked further until she reached the nearest convenient store. When she went inside, she went straight for the waters, she opened the door and got one out. As she was turning away, she noticed the section of the store she feared the most.
'Turn away.' She whispered to herself, but her feet wouldn't listen. The closer she got to the isle the more desperate she felt. She stopped for a second checking her wallet for something she should've thrown out a long time ago, her fake ID.
She turned into the section looking over all the alcohol they had to offer and most of its Lexa has drank before. She picked up a cheap bottle of liquor before taking It up to the counter.
The lady working was an older woman who looked like she should be retired and at home in bed. Lexa handed her the ID watching her closely to see if she can tell it's a fake. A part of her wants the women to realize it is.
The women skims over it handing back to Lexa before ringing her drink up.
"That'll be $10.75."
Lexa hands over her money, grabbing the bag before leaving the store as fast as she could. Her phone was ringing nonstop, but she ignored it, she couldn't talk to them. Not now, not after she just bought the one thing, she told herself she would never buy again.
It was Friday night and Clarke was in her room cleaning the mess she made the other day. The glass was everywhere no matter how many times she swept it up there would still be small pieces on the floor.
She hadn't been to school all week and Octavia was calling her constantly wondering what's going on with her. She wanted to tell her friends everything, but she had to deal with it first and to her surprise the therapy was helping.
As she was picking up stuff off her floor, she heard her phone ringing again. Thinking it was O she went to silence it, but it wasn't O calling this time.
"Lexa?" Clarke answered, they hadn't talked in a while, so her calling was very random. "Wait… are you ok? ok stay there I'm coming to get you."
Clarke hung up the phone quickly grabbing some shoes before running outside to her car.
"Hey." Clarke turned quickly to find Octavia running towards her car.
"O, I really can't talk right now." Clarke tried to shut her car door, but the girl stooped it.
"What the hell Clarke? You've been avoiding me all week; I just want to know what's going on. Abby won't tell me anything and you… Did I do something?" Clarke could see how stressed the girl was about the situation.
"Look O I will tell you everything tomorrow but right now I have to go... I promise we'll talk."
"Fine." Octavia removed her hand from the door allowing the blonde to close it.
She pulled out of her driveway and tried her hardest not to speed to the girl, but she had no idea what was going on, Lexa didn't sound like her usual self.
When she got to the lot, she parked her jeep before heading towards the beach where the girl said she would be.
It was dark out but the farther she walked the easier she could make out a small figure sprawled out in the sand.
"Lexa?" Clarke took off her shoes so she could walk faster toward the girl.
"Clarke! Oh you have short pink hair now." Lexa scrunched her nose examining the girl. "I love it."
"Lexa, what's going on? Why are you hear?" Clarke looked around confused, it was almost 11 pm and the girl was at the beach alone.
"To enjoy the beach silly."
Clarke walked closer the girl and that's when she noticed the empty bottle and it made sense, she was drunk.
"Ok, come on we have to get you off of the beach." Clarke bent down attempting to grab the girl, but it quickly backfired when she yanked the blonde's arms pulling her down with her. "Lexa!"
"Oops." Lexa laughed, pulling Clarke into her lap. "You're really pretty you know."
Clarke couldn't stop the blush forming on her cheeks, the girl was clearly drunk, but she enjoyed the compliment.
"Lexa you're drunk and it's late and I really need to get off the beach."
"Drunk? Who said I was drunk!"
"Well it's very obvious but the empty bottle right beside you is proof enough, but we'll talk about why your drunk later. Now get up." Clarke tried to be her serious face on, but Lexa's pout was so cute, and she was struggling to even get the girl to stand up.
"Yes ma'am." Lexa said sarcastically trying to pull herself up from the sand.
After struggling for at least five minutes Clarke finally got Lexa to her car, a part of her thought she should call Anya, but she know how Lexa would react.
"Your jeep reminds me of Stiles from teen wolf." Lexa pushed the seat all the way back, trying to find a comfortable way to lay.
"I didn't peg you for a teen wolf fan." Clarke laughed, poking the girl making sure she doesn't go to sleep.
"Dylan O'Brien is amazing." Lexa yawned.
"If you go to sleep, I will kill you Lexa!" Clarke pressed on the gas.
"Please don't take me home, my dad will kill me first." Lexa wined.
"You're coming home with me."
"Oh, sounds intriguing!" Lexa replied, sporting the biggest grin.
"Alright stop flirting and tell me why you're drunk."
"Maybe I just wanted a drink."
"After a year of being sober you just wanted a drink for no reason? Nothing happened?"
There was a long pause, Clarke focused on driving but ever so often she could see Lexa wiping a few tears from her face. She didn't want to force her to tell her anything, so she just drove in silence.
When they got back to Clarke house, she thanked god her mom already left for the hospital her dad was home, but he was fast sleep when she left. She had no idea how she would explain her new drunk friend to her parents.
Clarke quietly opened her door allowing Lexa to walk in and leading her upstairs towards her room. Clearly Lexa left all of her flirty drunk banter at the beach because now she was silent. Clarke quickly texted Raven telling the girl to let Anya know Lexa was safe with her, then helped the brunette into her bed.
"Today's the day my mom died." Lexa said quietly.
It made sense; Clarke knew that was the reason the girl started drinking in there first place. Seeing the girl like this broke her heart.
"I'm so sorry Lexa." Clarke said sitting on the bed beside the girl.
"I was fine, until my dad pulled out a picture of her and I freaked out. I haven't..." Lexa stopped a minute trying to prevent the tears from spilling her eyes. "I can't… see her face without feeling like I want to die. I miss her and she's gone forever, I don't know how I'm supposed to live with that."
Clarke pulled Lexa into her lap, comforting her the best she could, she'd never seen this side of Lexa and it was heartbreaking. The girl she's talked to has always seemed happy or as happy as she could be. Lexa obviously has her own demons to fight and she wanted to say something encouraging, but what? To have faith, or everything will be ok with time? She couldn't say those things because the truth is, they've made anyone feel better.
"I can't believe I did this." Lexa mumbled, realizing the gravity of taking her first drink in a year. "After a whole year and i… I fucked it up. I'm such a fuck up, I'm always going to be a fuck up. I'm never be ok…I'm."
"Lexa listen to me." Clarke grabbed the girls hand wrapping them in her own. "You're not a fuck up, I know I haven't known you long, but I know you're stronger than this. I know losing your mom is something you can never un-feel, but it won't always be like this. As hard as it is you have to live it, I know it hurts but there will be a day when it won't hurt so much. I promise."
Lexa didn't say anything she just cried silently in Clarke's lap while the girl stroked her hair. She could feel the alcohol in her veins, and she hated it, she hated that she did this. All she could hear was Anya telling her she's acting like the only one that lost their mom and she hated herself more. She was selfish when it came to this and she couldn't be anymore, she had to deal with her shit so her family could deal with theirs.
"Thank you for picking up tonight." Lexa whispered.
"Thank you for calling me." Clarke smiled slightly still running her fingers through Lexa's hair. It wasn't long before the girl was fast asleep snoring slightly every few seconds.
Clarke gently moved the girl from her lap to a pillow and laid the comforter over her. She quickly got some Advil and water sitting beside the girl for when she wakes up
Although her bed was huge, but she didn't want to make Lexa uncomfortable, so she got an extra bedspread from her closet and spread it over her floor. She didn't mind sleeping down there as long as Lexa was comfortable it didn't matter. Not long after laying down she felt herself slowing falling asleep wrapped in her blankets.
Lexa woke up the next morning embarrassed and hungover when she recalled last nights event. As if getting drunk wasn't bad enough she had a full breakdown in front of Clarke, someone she barely knows and probably never will get to know now.
She sat up in the bed trying to get her head to stop spinning so she could get up. When she was finally stable enough, she turned over noticing Clarke wasn't in the bed with her. After standing up fully she saw the girl cuddled up with blankets on the floor and she felt terrible.
"Do you usually stare at people when you first wake up?" Clarke asks, eyes still closed but a smile on her face.
"Not usually." Lexa said, "You didn't have to sleep on the floor."
"I just wanted to make sure you were fine." Clarke said eyes fully open now. Her short blonde and pink hair was everywhere, and her eyes were tired, but she still looked beautiful.
"I'm really sorry for last night."
"Don't be, I didn't mind."
"Still, it's a little embarrassing." Lexa said, clutching her head trying to make it stop throbbing.
"Here take these." Clarke went to the nightstand grabbing the water and Advil she sat out last night.
"Thank you." Lexa took the pills and drank the water before sitting back on the bed. "Please tell me I didn't say anything stupid to you last night."
"Nope, you're in the clear. Although I did find out you're a Dylan Obrien fan." Clarke laughed.
"He pretty great so I'm not too embarrassed about that one." Lexa smiled. "I am rather embarrassed of my breakdown though."
"We all breakdown sometimes Lexa." Clarke said, quickly glancing to her mirror before sitting next to the girl. "Every day can't be a good day."
"I guess that's true." Lexa sighed. "Where have you been this week?"
Clarke thought about the question, physically she's been at home, mentally she's been all over the damn place.
"It's sort of a long story…. Do you like pancakes?" Clarke asks changing the subject.
"Of course." Lexa answered uncertainly.
"I know a place that has the best pancakes, meet me downstairs in 10." Clarke said, grabbing some clothes and exiting the room.
Lexa just decided to go with it, she went to the bathroom and tried to make herself look not hungover. She wanted to have Clarke take her home first so she could change but she didn't want to face her dad and Anya until she had to.
After achieving basically nothing in the bathroom Lexa went downstairs where Clarke was waiting for her.
"Ready?"
Lexa nodded and they went out to the car, it was almost noon, but no one was really outside yet except for them.
The drive was weirdly silent the only noise coming from the radio. Lexa didn't know if she made things weird by asking Clarke where she's been, but the blonde hadn't said a word. Even when they arrived at the diner, they looked at their menus for at least 10 minutes before Clarke finally spoke.
"I didn't mean to be ominous about anything I've just been trying to figure out how to word things."
"You don't have to tell me anything if you're not comfortable."
"No I am I just… I guess you could say I had my own little breakdown." Clarke said, putting her menu down. "After the party I had a lot of things to figure out, I thought all I needed sorted out was Luna but that wasn't really the case."
"Are you and Luna…" Lexa started to say.
"Done." Clarke sighed. "Ending things was a huge step for me but as it turns out I have other issues to deal with."
"Well I'm sorry you had to end things with her." Lexa was in fact not sorry the two ended things, but she did feel bad for the blonde.
"Don't be, it was long overdue."
"So is that why you weren't at school?"
"Not exactly, I never planned on missing school but as I said I kind of had a breakdown and…" Clarke has never told anyone about her depression, she didn't like people looking at her like she was broken but she knew Lexa wouldn't do that. "I guess this breakdown stemmed from me not dealing with my problems properly." Clarke looked at Lexa just to check if she was looking at her like she was broken but she wasn't. She was looking at the girl with caring eyes and open ears.
"A few months ago during the end of my sophomore year I was diagnosed with depression. I thought everything would fine because they gave me these pills that I figured would basically cure me. Obviously, that's not how it works but that's what I thought. Anyways I was on the pills for a couple of months and they started to make me feel…. Worse. I had a…. another breakdown of sorts and I decided to not take the pills anymore. Months past I figured I was managing fine but I wasn't, and my parents noticed. So last week they made me start Psychotherapy which has surprisingly helped a lot."
Lexa never thought this is what the blonde would say when she asked when she wasn't at school. She figured maybe she had the cold or was sick but no, that wasn't the case.
"Are you ok?" As soon as she said it, she regretted it, "Sorry I know that was stupid."
"It's not stupid." Clarke laughed. "I actually do feel ok, better than a week ago."
"I'm sorry I was avoiding you; I should've texted or something."
"I should be apologizing to you, I'm sorry about the party and the kiss. I should've reacted differently, so I don't blame you for avoiding me. I was sort of a mess."
"I'm sorry I kissed you." Lexa whispered, as amazing as that kiss was it wasn't what Clarke needed after the events of the party.
"I'm not." Clarke smiled. "It was a good kiss; I just wasn't ready for it
"Maybe we can forget it and start over?"
"We don't have to forget it." Clarke shook her head. "But I would really like to be your friend again."
"I would like that too." Lexa smiled.
Clarke smiled at the girl looking into the green eyes that she missed the past week, she thought about texting Lexa, but she figure she would talk to her in person and she was glad she did.
"These better be the best pancakes of my life." Lexa said smiling, looking at the menu again.
"They will be." Clarke smiled.
It was an hour and half later and the girls were sitting in Lexa's driveway after eating at the diner.
"I made sure Anya knew you were with me last night, if that helps any." Clarke said watching the girl stare at her front door.
"Thank you."
"Are you going to tell them you were drinking?"
"I have to." Lexa sighed. "It's time I fully deal with things."
"I can come in with you if you want." Clarke suggested.
"Thank you for offering but I have to do this on my own." Lexa took a deep breath and opened her door.
"Lexa." Clarke said, "I meant what I said at the party, the next time we kiss you I do want to fully enjoy it but until then I'm really happy we're friends again."
Lexa smiled and nodded. "Thank you for everything Clarke Griffin, I'll see you Monday."
"See you Monday Lexa Trikru." Clarke smiled.
Lexa stepped out of Clarkes car and slowly walked towards her front door, time to face the music.