This chapter is an odd sort of interlude. Steve isn't dealing well, and Danny is trying to move on..getting back to work. Both men are realizing you can only run so far.
The person he cared most about in the world.
Steve vomited into the toilet. Its cool porcelain a balm to his feverish frame. He shivered in the sticky heat. The bathroom foggy from his shower. He'd been swimming in the tempestuous ocean. The Atlantic waters so different than his Hawaiian home. He'd been tossed about just as his thoughts tumbled now. Dredging up memories that materialized and rippled through him as waves of nausea.
He needed to sleep. The distance to his bed stretched in a funhouse sort of way, adding to his queasiness. Dry heaves took over his body, and he was helpless as he retched nothing into the bowl. The last time he'd been this sick, it was a spell leftover from his radiation exposure. Somehow, Danny had found him on the bathroom floor. Helped him bathe and crawl into bed. Steve had little memory of that night. Except that when he woke, Danny was beside him in, holding his hand. Danny had fallen asleep sitting up, propped with a pile of pillows. They'd never spoken about it. Work had picked up, and time had stretched them to their limits. They each went their own ways. Looking over their shoulders. Steve flaunted his dates while hovering at a distance waiting for Danny to need him. The reverse had happened. Steve had needed Danny. He just didn't understand how much until he almost lost his best friend. Again.
Thoughts swirled again, and the dizziness returned. Steve sobbed and begged for it to stop. What had he done? Could he ever go back? Had he caused more damage by leaving?
Steve had never been seasick. He supposed now he was landsick. Homesick. And drowning in regret.
God, he missed his best friend. He hated his life.
Get up, you animal. You can do it.
Steve realized his Danny voice was right. He sat up and took a few breaths. No more puke. He shut the toilet lid and flushed before sitting on the seat. Leaning over, he filled a paper cup with water. Sipping and swishing before spitting into the sink. He took a hesitant drink and sighed with relief when the water tasted good and stayed down.
He could make it to bed. One step at a time, he trudged from the bathroom. No more quicksand. He felt steady. Thankful when his head hit the pillow and he blacked out.
/././
Danny stretched out on the couch. Eddie had disappeared an hour ago. Probably on Steve's bed. Somehow they'd switched places. The TV played an old football game, and the endless parade of infomercials made him rather misty. But he didn't regret a bit of what he felt. Ten long years. Where did the time go? He closed his eyes and let himself drift, listening to the waves. Sleeping wasn't difficult for him anymore, but it was all about location. Lately, he could only catch an adequate amount of sleep on this old couch.
His phone buzzed on the coffee table. "Williams. Hey Lou."
"I need you to come into the office. Be Jerry for me."
"Did you just call me Jerry?" Danny asked. He laughed as he scratched his chin. Lou was the best with the jokes.
Lou replied, feigning seriousness, "Hey, if the shoe fits. You know how to use the computer stuff."
"Really?" Danny giggled. "Me? I'm your computer geek?"
The noise brought Eddie to his side. Danny sat up, giving his new best friend room to join him on the couch. The sound of Lou laughing made him feel warm. He took few things for granted. He was still in the afterglow of being kidnapped and shot. Even months later. He waited for Lou's comeback.
"Better than me, man. I've barely mastered TV remotes, and you're still on desk duty."
"Ouch. Way to hit a man while he's down, Lou."
"Sorry."
"Stop," Danny sighed. His friends were still too careful around him. "Be right there. Not like I have big plans."
He ended the call before giving Eddie a good scratch behind the ears, "Guess you're on your own for a few hours, buddy."
I won't leave you forever. Danny caught himself thinking. He put his hand on the door after he turned the key and took a deep breath before heading for the truck.
/././
"Junior!"
Frantic, Tani's voice echoed in his ears. Danny leaned on the Smart Table, heart pounding. He felt helpless, impotent, standing there in the empty office. He listened and tracked their movements, offering any logistical help he could. Tethered by an earpiece and phone tracking apps. Their suspect had evaded their dragnet, stealing a car and ditching it just as fast.
"Tani, don't go in there!" Lou scolded.
Danny listened over the comms. He itched to be out there with his team. "Sit rep! Now!"
All he heard for a few seconds was crackling. The wind blowing.
"What's happening guys? Talk to me." Danny barked.
"Junior went into the canal." Lou's voice was steady. Like he was reading the news.
"Shit," Danny said and banged on the Smart table. "Is he okay?"
Lou replied, "He's fine."
"Junior?" Tani's voice was still uncertain.
"I'm okay." Junior's voice broke up but it was there. "I've got him."
"I don't care about that asshole." Tani's voice cut through the comms.
Danny and Lou both read her mind. Danny spoke first.
"Stay outta that water, Tani." Danny growled. "That's an order."
Lou added, "That's right, Tani. I second that order. Don't go in there."
"I'm fine. Coming out." Junior said. "I'm good."
"We'll see about that." Tani answered. Her earwig cut out. Danny cringed at her anger.
"We got him, Danny." Lou reassured. "Junior's making the hand off to HPD. We'll be back to headquarters soon."
Danny closed his eyes. He'd been here before. "Make sure Junior's shots are up to date. No telling what's in that water."
"On it, boss," Junior said, ever the trooper.
Boss. Not sir. Danny laughed and closed down the comms.
/././
Frozen, Tani sat in the chair by the water. The breeze tossed her hair, blowing it into her eyes and then lifting it away. On a loop. All she noticed was her steady breath. In. Out. Counting slowly. Deliberately. Her vision had tunneled so much that she really wasn't seeing at all. She'd spent the evening crying next to a dead to the world Junior. Now filled with antibiotics, a tetanus shot and pain meds, he slept. She was jealous of his oblivion.
The back door slapped softly.
Danny.
She waited. They'd sat out here together in silence every night this week.
"It's too much." She whispered as he settled into the chair next to her. His movements still awkward and slow. Layers of injuries plagued him. She winced before he did.
"I know." He leaned forward, hands sliding to his knees.
"I don't want to do anything else, but-" Her voice trailed off. Shaking her head, she sighed. "This job takes everything."
"Hey." Danny reached out and put his hand over hers. Tani had moved the chairs closer together. "Junior's tough. He'll be fine."
"I know. But will I be fine?"
"That's something you have to decide."
"How did you do it all these years?"
"Me?" Danny stalled.
Tani gave him half a smile. Mentioning Steve hurt everyone. "You and Steve."
She said it like it was an everyday thing. The two of them were a couple even if they'd never named it. Everyone felt it.
"Me and Steve?" He deflected out of habit.
"All the stunts he pulled?"
Past tense, like there'd be no more stunts. No more Steve in their present or future.
He chuckled. "Therapy."
She raised her eyebrows, considering his answer. "Therapy?"
"I can get you a Flat Junior."
She fought her giggle. Not ready to change her mood. But Danny was contagious. "That is so wrong. On so many levels."
"Hey, you got Flat Steve for me."
"He's scared me twice now. I thought someone was in the office."
"What were you doing there alone?"
The fond concern in Danny's voice made her chest hurt. He was such a good guy.
"While Junes runs or goes to class. Sometimes I work on paperwork." She shrugged.
"I didn't know. You should have asked me to help." He squeezed her hand. "I've been told I'm good company."
Tani nodded, "Uh huh. Sure."
They were quiet for a minute. Then Danny said. "Steve did the same thing as Junior once. I had flashbacks listening over the comms."
"He jumped into the canal?"
"Yup. Gave himself a tetanus shot in the middle of the office."
She raised her eyebrows. "Did you offer to help?"
Danny ducked his head. Even in the dim light from the house, she could tell he was blushing.
Tani saved him. "I mean, he's an idiot. I'm sure you've wanted to torture him plenty over the years."
"More than you know, babe. More than you know." Grateful for the dodge, Danny smiled. Then he kept talking. "I never wanted this life. I wanted to be a detective. Solve crimes. Help people. Dodging bullets and jumping off buildings, no."
"Jumping off buildings?"
"And outta perfectly good airplanes strapped to the nutjob." Danny picked at the peeling paint on the chair. Steve would kill him if he caught him.
"Jerry told me about that one. You guys defused a dirty bomb?"
"Steve almost ruined my liver."
"He loves you, Danny." Tani held her breath for a few seconds, cringing at her boldness. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to overstep."
"You're right." Danny cleared his throat. "I love him, too."
"Does he know that?"
"We say it all the time."
"I mean really know." She pushed.
Danny shook his head.
"Tell him." Tani urged.
"It's not the kind of thing you say over video chat or text."
"No, but right now, it's all you got."
/././
Danny's head spun. He had to sit down. Almost slipped off the corner of the bed. He'd come upstairs to hide. Talking to Tani had opened some wounds.
He was watching a repeat of himself and Steve play out in slow motion with Tani and Junior. Same dance. Except – and this was what gave Danny the most pause – except he and Steve weren't having sex. And this bothered him. Which confused him and - it was just too much to process.
A roar of laughter and catcalls reminded him the team was downstairs watching a game. Junior was with them. The kid got his second wind faster than Steve ever did. This frightened Danny. He didn't want to be responsible for something happening to Junior because he couldn't wrangle him. He didn't know if he had it in him anymore. He couldn't imagine how Tani felt.
Yet he could.
He'd watched Steve throw himself around like it meant nothing for 10 years. It tore him apart every time. Even when he pretended it didn't matter.
And what had Steve done? He'd run when he come close to losing Danny.
This pissed Danny off. Making him angry all over again.
He stuck his fist in his mouth and bit down. He wanted to scream and punch something. This bullshit came in waves and he wanted to be done with it.
"Yo Danny." Lou called from the stairs. "You coming back down? Don't make me come up there. Cause these old legs will make me pay for climbing the steps."
Rolling his eyes, Danny regrouped. Lou had a bottle of Scotch. 6 years old. A bittersweet anniversary. Lou joining Five-0. They'd missed the official date because of Danny's kidnapping and Steve leaving. Now, Lou was hellbent on celebrating with Danny here in this house with the ghost of Steve. The man who brought them all together. He laughed and thought it was too bad Flat Steve was still at the office.
/././
"Have you thought about why you're not video calling Steve?"
"What?" Danny replied, a twinge of annoyance in his voice to cover his shock. He'd swear the team was conspiring against him where Steve was concerned.
"He said he hadn't seen you."
"You're talking to Steve?" Again an abrupt retort and a stall.
Lou laughed. Danny frowned and crossed his arms over his chest and then changed position when pain flared on his left side. His range of motion was not 100%.
"No, to answer your question." Danny replied after a few seconds. "We text or talk on the phone. Nothing fancy."
"You don't want to see him?"
"Why would I need to see him? It's not like we're dating."
"You just said need instead of want, and yes, you two are dating. Or you were."
"What are you talking about?" Danny grabbed the bottle of Scotch. "I'm cutting you off."
"No, you won't." Lou said with a broad smile, as he leaned back against the couch, arms spread across the back. "I'm a grown man. I can call an Uber, and that's my booze we're drinking."
/././
Steve stroked himself. He'd awakened rock hard from the wisp of a dream, comforter tossed off the bed, sheet entangled around his legs. So hard it hurt, and he squeezed his dick to counter the intense sensation. He craved a warmth so slick and wet. Solid muscle under his fingertips. Pulsing heat inside him. He held his breath. It wasn't Catherine he'd been dreaming about. He quickened his pace to cloud the subject with immediate pleasure. Milking himself dry as the orgasm hit, cresting like a wave and pulling him under. Any cares in his world were erased as he sank back into blessed darkness.
An hour later, a beam of sunlight cut through his sleep like a laser. Frowning, he covered his eyes and pulled the sheet up. Only to find a sticky mess on his belly and a cool slick on the mattress.
The dream and its aftermath came crashing back.
Shit.
He didn't want to think about Danny. Especially not that way.
They'd become so close over the years. Feelings of friendship often intermingled with something else. Steve dared call it love. And not the kind of platonic love that felt safe and accepted.
It happened sometimes. Familiarity didn't breed contempt. It created something scarier and more volatile. A closeness so difficult to explain it took on a life of its own. Missions and partnerships led to relationships that looked so foreign to outsiders. People they worked with labeled behavior in ways they could understand. Making jokes about marriage and lover's spats, never knowing just how much those things might be achingly out of reach.
Memories made Steve twitch. He didn't appreciate the assumptions. Not because he was embarrassed, but because he'd pushed his feelings into compartments, and with each dig at him and Danny, he longed to be honest. To be free.
Mornings like this he fooled himself. It was lust. Deep, juicy and maddening. It couldn't be anything more than that. He couldn't allow the truth to get out. Even though deep down he knew it was useless to pretend. Daiyu Mei had taken the person he cared about most in the world. Steve struggled with what that truly meant.
Gathering the sheet around his waist, Steve tore it from the bed and shuffled to the bathroom. He needed a cold shower.
First, he picked up his phone and studied the photos Tani'd sent. He pictured himself there, laughing and grabbing some beers to go with the garlic shrimp he knew Danny had ordered. It was a cop out, but the distance did give him an appreciation for daydreaming. Fantasies didn't come with bullet wounds and blood.