**I do not own the rights to any Characters in this Fanfiction, those all solely belong to JK Rowling herself. I just claim the plunnie.
Can't Carry This Anymore
You can probably see right through me Oh, Mama said gonna be all right I can't carry this anymore I know I'll be fine it's just that I can't carry this anymore
'Cause I can promise if you knew me
You would probably walk away
No you wouldn't want to stay
But mama don't know what it's like in my mind
Mama said that the sun gon' shine
But mama don't know what it's like to want to die
Heavy from the hurt inside my veins
I can't carry this anymore
Wonder what it's like to be okay
Every time this comes back
Tell my maker up above that
I have had enough and
Heavy from the hurt inside my veins
I can't carry this anymore
Wonder what it's like to be okay
Draco landed them in an isolated ally, more than a few blocks away from the Leaky Cauldron. Far enough to avoid any potential passing wizards who would easily recognize them out and about. Still holding her hand clasped in his he led her towards the ally's entrance hardly giving her time to acclimate from her first side along apparition in years.
The moment Hermione stepped out she was met with a strong cool gust of wind that lifted her hair, spinning the errant strands about her face. As she looked around the scene before her, the smile on her face gradually began to falter. It was a remarkably dismal gray day, but for London this would not be particularly out of the ordinary, but everything else that Hermione did see made her feet stop in their tracks. The scene before her was eerily quiet, the hustle and bustle of city life entirely gone. Old parked and abandoned cars lined the street and boards covered many of the businesses' windows.
And the people, where were the people?
The few she saw kept their heads ducked down low as they hurried about trying to get to their destinations as quickly as possible, very few slipped in and out of business doors attending to usual everyday errands.
The streets were littered with paper, many blowing down the street caught in the wind, others were taped to lamp posts and stop signs, all saying the same thing 'Have you seen this person?' 'Missing'... 'Lost'. She stared at the pictures of the young and old alike, all the victims of Voldemort's world, turning she found so many, many more plastered along the sides and windows of the buildings. Faces of peoples' missing or dead loved ones stared back at her everywhere she turned.
Tears stung her eyes, but she fought them back. She had not known what she had expected, but it certainly had not been this. This city of death and decay.
"Draco, why didn't you tell me?" her voice was a whisper but sounded loud in the silence surrounding them. It shrouded them like a cloak, blocking out all hopes and dreams, suffocating any dregs of happiness it could find.
"What?" he turned to look at her then, a confused expression on his face.
"This… this Draco, is not London."
"Of course, it is. You said you wanted to go to muggle London and here we are." He spread his arm wide gesturing around them. "Like I wouldn't know how to get to London?"
He stepped closer to her then a smile still on his face at finally seeing Hermione out and free to do as she pleased. That was when he saw it, the look of complete shock on her face, the tears brimming in her eyes. Reaching out with one hand he caught one of the tiny droplets of moisture, brushing it away with his thumb as he cupped her face.
"Princess, what's wrong? I thought you would be happy."
"Draco, how? How can I be happy?" She pulled her face from his leaving his hand feeling cold and empty. "Look at this place, look at what has happened to it."
Turning ever so slightly he glanced around them. Sure, there had been some definite changes, but that was to be expected when there was a war and their side won.
"Would you like to go somewhere else?" he questioned, still unsure as to what was really going on. "We could go to Paris or even Italy. There are some amazing beaches in Croatia." Hell, he would take her anywhere she wanted to go if only she would smile again. It was as though all the enthusiasm she had held back at the forest at Wiltshire had been instantly sucked out of her the moment they landed in that little tucked away ally.
Nodding somberly, she wiped yet another errant tear from her face with the back of her hand.
"I want to go to Hampstead."
Hampstead? But Hampstead was here, in London, just maybe a ten minutes' walk from where they were. How was that even considered a change of scenery, if London hadn't pleased her, surely Hampstead would be no better.
"Are you sure? Again Hermione, you are out. We can go anywhere you please."
"Yes, I am aware Malfoy."
Malfoy? Draco racked his mind trying to remember the last time she had refused to use his given name, wondering possibly what he could have done in these few short moments to have earned this regression.
"And right now, it would please me to go to Hampstead." Her tone was hard and brittle, yet still spoken just barely above a whisper.
He let out a deep sigh and held out his hand for her to take again. "Fine, I will apparate us to Hampstead."
"No." she looked down at his offered hand, shoving her own deep into her back pockets. "I think I would prefer to walk, if that's quite alright?"
Baffled, he simply nodded, before following her down the street.
They walked along in silence, much like the very few passersby they passed. Every now and then Hermione would stop in front of a various building and tears would fill her eyes once again before she would shake them away and continue on their journey.
Draco walked silently, dutifully beside her. Every now and then she would catch him casting her worried glances out of the corner of her eye, but only when he thought she was not looking. Hermione had wanted to scream.
The world that she had known and loved growing up as a child had all but been destroyed, and here she was walking along with a man who could not even grasp why this would be problematic to her.
'Let's go to Paris.' He had said. She almost wanted to punch him again, just like that time in third year. How could he be so cold, unfeeling… so callous? Worst of all, how could he have not warned her of this?
Sorrow slowly began to simmer into rage as they continued on their journey to Hampstead. Every time Hermione passed a broken-down building that had once been flourishing and thriving. Every time she saw the piles of trash lining the sidewalks leaving the city smelling repugnant as the rats scurried about more than the people. Every time another face found hers from the flat black and white printouts, the lifeless eyes staring back at her from the motionless images, the messages left behind from those who held them dear once upon a time. Hermione simmered, something inside of her coming to life while simultaneously pulling her down into despair and hopelessness.
Draco did not try to touch her, for that she was grateful, she no longer knew how she would react or even if she had the control in her left to not lash out impulsively. She led him through the winding, desolate streets until she was in a place that was all too familiar, her breath catching in her throat. Her heart began to pound in anticipation as she drew nearer.
Draco had no idea as to where she was taking him, or why this place was deemed so important. All he knew was that the closer they got to Hampstead the more anxious the witch seemed to become. What he did know was that for some ungodly reason, his witch was in distress and he did not know how to fix it. His simple plan of taking her out to have some peace and freedom, to be away from their world for as long as the spell could last, had entirely backfired on him.
He shook his head, eyes downcast before him. It never seemed that he could do anything right as far as she was concerned. The witch was an absolute puzzle to him, and he was no closer to breaking the code than he had been the first day he met her back at Hogwarts. Surely, he'd thought by now he would have had some simple understanding, but the complexities of Hermione Granger ran long and deep. She was so much more than the world had given her credit for, she was more than Harry Potter's smart sidekick, hell now she was even beyond the title of the brightest witch of her age. With all they had accomplished in such a short time, most of it due to her superior intellect he was sure, she was a miraculous wonder. One that ran hot one day and cold the next, never seeming to really come to terms with their arrangement.
What baffled Draco the most was when had he really started caring. At what point had this witch, whom he'd very much abused and manipulated into going along with his scheme become more than just a pawn to him? More than just a means to the end… childhood feelings be damned, he had a bigger picture, and somehow Hermione Granger had painted herself firmly in it.
She stopped on a quiet neighborhood street, he could tell that once upon a time it would have been a beautiful place, he could easily imagine families walking down the sidewalk, kids playing in the nearby park and the life that would have flourished happily here. But now many of the houses were run down nearing dilapidation, the yards over-grown and unkept, lights peeking out between the boards of the windows hiding the life that was still moving inside.
With a strangled sound Hermione stared across the street. The house, once a lovely shade of blue now had the paint peeling and chipping away to reveal the worn boards underneath. The shutters that had been painted white were dingy, and in need of a good cleaning to clear away the grime, many of which hung haphazardly having come unhinged. Grass had practically taken over the walk to the front door and the garden her mother had planted, gardenias and rose bushes, was overrun with weeds.
She sat on the graffitied bench. The one she had spent so many summers on just watch the people in her neighborhood and reading her books. The peace that she used to find in this place no longer in existence. A family moved about inside, every now and then she could catch glimpses of the people through the cracks in the curtains. She followed their forms as they moved about room to room, her eyes being drawn to the light up on the second level, vaguely she could see a small figure moving around in the room that had once offered her so much solace.
There were no tears. She had been preparing herself for this the entire walk from London proper. If she were to be honest it was in much better condition than she had feared.
A loud creak on the bench signifying the moment Draco decided to take a seat beside her and she stilled herself, waiting for the multitude of questions he must have for her… about why she had brought him to this spot in particular. But none came, even as she waited with bated breath, he continued to sit there silently beside her, letting her take all the time she needed.
As he sat there beside her in silence, Hermione never once tearing her eyes away from the house or them he began to get a sinking feeling that he might know exactly why they were here. He found his own eyes following the silhouettes of the figures as they flitted about room to room, his mind ever wandering and curious as to who exactly he wasn't seeing through his obstructed view. He knew this was not the time to ask, no matter how much it irked him to do so, he gave the witch her space as she stared vacantly in front of her, a wide array of emotions passing through her soft amber eyes the longer they sat there.
It must have been hours that they stayed in what turned to a companionable silence as the streetlights began to flicker on above the odd pair, sitting on an old bench in the middle of a neighborhood they clearly had no business being. The sun was beginning to disappear over the horizon, causing a chill to creep into his bones, but for her he ignored it all.
"This was my home once." A voice so soft he almost didn't hear her. Her voice was hollow and flat. "A lifetime ago my mother and I planted those roses by the window. My father taught me to ride my first bike on this very street."
Hermione's voice, so meek and tired, had finally broken the silence hanging in the air between them. All with the simple confirmation of his earlier suspicion.
He watched as she wiped away a tear with the back of her hand. Then he looked back to the house they had been watching for hours now. This had been her childhood home. He was sure once the home had been cute and cozy, perfect for what Hermione had just described.
"Is that who we are watching now? We could go and knock on their door…" he couldn't see the harm in letting her see her family once again for a while, rules of interaction be damned. Anything to make her quiet tears stop.
She sniffled and shook her head despondently. "No. I… I sent them away before the war to keep them safe. Even if they were in there, they wouldn't know who I was."
At that he shot a look at her curiously, unsure of what she meant.
How could they possibly not know who their daughter was? He knew she had been away for quite some time, but even for muggles that should not be long enough for them to forget their daughter.
At his confused look Hermione chuckled mirthlessly.
"During the war, back in the summer after sixth year, I wiped their memories of me before sending them away to Australia. For all intents and purposes Michael and Helen Granger do not have a daughter."
Draco didn't quite know what to say. That was something he could not fathom. During the war, the witch beside him had essentially orphaned herself, for their protection.
"That was most likely for the best."
He knew that that had to have caused her great pain to do, something he had not even considered as a possibility for anyone, yet alone himself. To perform such a wholly selfish act…
"I know." She nodded, wiping away yet another escaped bead of liquid at the memory. "I had no way of knowing how much danger they were going to be in because of me. I also didn't know if I would ever make it back to them. The thought of them having to deal with so much pain and heartache because of me, and the risks I had to take." She shoor her head again, turning her eyes to his, "It was just something I could not bear. It was a risk I couldn't take."
She was shivering, whether it was from the cold or simply the pain of her memories Draco could not be sure. But either way he did not care, not as his witch was clearly in pain. Reaching an arm across the space between them he pulled her body tightly to his, murmuring a warming charm just for good measure. At first, he worried she was going to fight him, but after a moment the tense muscles in her body relaxed and she curled into his side, letting her tears flow freely.
He could not bring himself to tell her that she had most likely saved her parents' lives.
Draco had a clear recollection of the day the Dark Lord realized the trio had gone missing rather than returning to school for their seventh year. Mad with rage, the wizard had ordered everyone to find them, and when that couldn't be done, he wanted everyone and anyone of importance of the trio to be found and brought to him. It had only furthered his rage more when he realized he had been too late in his order, aside from the Weasleys, everyone else's family had been nowhere to be found.
Instead of voicing what he was sure the tiny bushy haired witch in his arms surely already knew, he held her tighter as she sobbed within his arms. An ache blooming in his chest just for her. All that she had done, all that she had endured, and somehow here she was still moving forward. Still fighting alongside him to right those wrongs. He owed her so much more than he realized. He could not fathom the type of strength she must have, making him realize he loved her all the more. Making him realize that even if he hadn't hated the way the war had turned out he would burn it all down just for her.
"Hermione." He murmured her name into the top of her head, the curls there tickling at his nose as her scent washed over him. "You are undoubtedly the strongest person I know."
She hiccupped and turned her large warm brown eyes, red from her tears, up to him. "It was all for naught though wasn't it." Again, she chuckled, thinking herself foolish and Draco wanted nothing more than dive into her mind to force her to understand.
For her he would be everything she needed, do anything she wanted, all she had to do was ask. He would gift her his life if she required it, that thought alone scared him shiteless.
"No. No it wasn't Hermione." He took her face into his hand and his gray eyes bore down into hers. "Nothing you have done or been through will go in vain. I swear it to you."
Silence filled the air between them as he held his world in his hands. The tears streaming down her face slowed as she gradually calmed, her eyes never leaving his as he watched the sorrow there slowly morph back to hope. Even if it was just a sliver, the tiniest shimmer hidden in her amber depths. It gave him all the hope he needed, as he brought his face down to hers, allowing his lips to brush against hers gently. She trembled in his arms, sighing ever so slightly. His tongue swept across her bottom lip, asking for entrance.
Eyes closed, she battled with herself to gain control over her emotions. She wasn't quite sure how the world worked anymore, or with what twisted humor the universe held that had landed her here crying in the arms of Draco Malfoy, childhood nemesis, owner, and death eater none the less. But here she was, parting her lips to allow him entrance as he attempted to kiss away her pain. And the more he held her, the more he pushed his emotions through to her in his kiss, the pain began to recede until it was small enough for her to manage once again, placing it back in it box, not be touched again.
Feeling him pull away she opened her eyes back up to find his sterling gray depths staring into hers, searching once again.
"I love you." The words ghosted across his lips, winding themselves around her like a spell of their own. She felt her heart lurch and stutter before returning to its normal rhythm.
The universe was funny.
"I love you too."
Their lips found each other once again, loving caresses as they poured their hearts out to each other. A gentle force strong enough to break the world.
Hermione sat across from him in their quiet booth at the equally quiet diner. It was one of the few places from her childhood that had weathered the ravages of the war. He had not known what to order so he had just told the petite blonde waitress to bring him the same thing that his witch had ordered.
Strange that, her being his witch all the sudden. How many nights had he wanted this? How many years? And finally, their paths had collided in such a way that the inevitable had been inescapable. In a strange way it was almost as though they were supposed to be here, together. As though the world had refused to give them a choice in the matter, seeing how there was no way she would have been with him on her own.
Those three little words had slipped from his mouth before he knew what he was saying. All he could see was the agonizing hope in her big doe eyes as she stared back up at him, he had never seen a more beautiful sight in his life. Those eyes, they were what had done him in, tethered him to her like a spell and pulled the words he had said to no other witch, except for his mother, laying him bare before her. Imagine his surprise, his elation when she had said the words back.
He watched as she nibbled on a chip in front of him. Her eyes clearly still lost in thought, worlds away. He now understood her shock at seeing the world she'd loved and held dear turned into a shell of its former self. Learning of the sacrifices she had made, had everything clicking into place. Almost like he was missing a last piece of the puzzle to Hermione Granger. Every word, all the pent-up aggression and rage, the weight of the sorrow she carried, it was a wonder to him how she hadn't broken and lost her mind through it all. Even after that, all the things he had put her through, the things she still had to endure because of her involvement with him. And still she had said it back: and meant it.
For her, he would right all those wrongs.
He picked up the greasy cheeseburger, eyeing it skeptically before he finally gave in and took a bite. He moaned as the flavors exploded on his tongue. She giggled. Her eyes were still red and puffy, but slowly she was coming back.
"I take that to mean you like it then?" she had yet to touch the burger on her own plate, having been too lost in her own thoughts of the day. The sight of Draco enjoying his so thoroughly had completely caught her off guard. She had never thought she'd see the day when he would willingly try muggle food.
"It's really good." He mumbled around the bite of food in his mouth. His cheeks were tinged with red from her laughter.
She nodded with a wide grin of her own. "This was one of our favorite places. My parents and I would come here all the time, more often during their lunch breaks from work. Their office was just a few blocks away, so it was an easy walk."
Nodding he swallowed and took a sip of the drink she had ordered them as well. His eyes lit up in surprise and she laughed again.
"Really good right?"
"Unbelievably so." He eyed the thick concoction with wonder. A milkshake she had called it, chocolate as it had been her favorite. "You said they worked near here?"
She nodded finally taking bites of her own food.
"What did they do?"
"They are dentists." At his confused expression at the term she felt the need to clarify, "Healers, but for your teeth."
"Teeth healers?" he asked skeptically, almost as though he couldn't believe there truly was such a thing. "Is there really such a thing?"
"Mmhmm." She swallowed her own bite before sipping her own glass as well. "Muggles don't have magic to fix everything, so there are all sorts of specialized healing fields. Dentists for your teeth. Optometrists for their eyes. Even podiatrists who solely focus on one's feet."
"Huh." Draco popped another chip into his mouth. He had no idea the muggle world of healing was so complex.
She nodded again enthusiastically. "Really muggle medicine is far more developed than in the magical world. Without the aid of magic to diagnose, there are all sorts of machines that have been invented to help them narrow down just about any disease. Every day they are discovering something new. With magic, it's not necessary, but for muggles, they are always learning and growing. Trying to make the world around them better for those who live in it."
Draco listened raptly, entirely intrigued by the concept. The idea that muggles were beneath him seeming less plausible by the moment. Why had no one ever shared this with them? He knew the obvious answer. How could wizarding society continue to hold their arrogance over those who didn't possess magic of their own if they acknowledged everything they had been able to accomplish in spite of it. Even now he sat in a room powered by electricity, glowing iridescent orbs casting light all around them, all with the simple flick of a switch. Even now, he was still having a hard time trying to wrap his head around the world she was so enthusiastically trying to describe. He had had mission after mission out amongst the muggles, in all different parts of the world, and never once had he bothered to pay attention to what he saw around him. He had been totally blind and ignorant to the feats that had surrounded him.
"Draco? Can I ask you a question?" he voice was quiet again, soft and unsure.
He paused, holding his cheeseburger halfway to his mouth.
"You can ask me anything Hermione."
He watched as her eyes shifted around the room nervously, obviously unsure about the question she wanted to ask. Or maybe that was the problem, she didn't really want to ask it all.
Steeling herself, she let out a slow breath. "The rest of the world, the other cities, countries… are they all like London?"
The burger rested back on his plate again as he considered her question and the best way to answer it. London had been hit first, for obvious reasons, it was right in Voldemort's proverbial backyard. That did not mean that the rest of the world had not been affected in quite a similar manner.
Slowly he gave a single nod. "More or less… some places were obviously hit harder than others. Places that the Dark Lord found to be more of a threat to his power he paid special attention to the destruction he caused there. It was…" he paused looking for the right words to explain, "essential to his reign to diminish any outside sources of power he could."
She closed her eyes in understanding. The world had been broken, all because of one selfish, power hungry egomaniac. And he hadn't stopped just with theirs, he would take as much as he could, and Hermione couldn't see an end.
The rest of her food forgotten she stood. "I think I'm ready to go back now."
Draco looked at her, not really wanting to go back at all and ruining their moment of peace, but he recognized the look in her eyes as she held her hand out to him. The hard look of sheer determination. It was time for them to continue to move forward again, to do their best to forget about this past.
He stood taking her hand, and together they walked to the back of the diner towards the loo. Hand in hand they released the bloodstones from their person and time yanked them forward again, roughly depositing them back in the glen.
Draco's head felt like it was splitting open as he looked around at the familiar setting. The fairies taking off to hide as soon as they returned. The magic surge causing them great alarm.
"Hermione." He squeezed his eyes shut as a particular onslaught of pain threatened to bring him to his knees. When she didn't answer he forced his eyes open only to see her passed out on the ground at his feet, a trickle of blood leaking from her nose. "Princess!"
He landed on his knees beside her and attempted to shake her awake to no avail.
"Fuck! Hermione wake up!" She didn't stir, in a panic he reached for his wand casting a detection charm on her body. Relief flooded him as soon as he realized she was still alive. He couldn't lose her, not yet, hell not ever!
Stuffing his wand back in it holster, his own headache all but forgotten, he scooped the tiny witch up in his arms and carried her out of the maze and back to his room. He ignored the confused looks from the house elves along the way. The only thing that mattered was the witch in his arms and making sure she was alright.
This reaction was worse than last times. Their alteration to the spell obviously having had no effect on their return. He cursed under his breath at what he had risked. What would have happened had they gone back even further, had they stayed longer? Would his witch even be breathing in his arms right now?
He called for Pod the moment he laid her unconscious body down on his bed.
Poderick popped in going from excited to concern the second his eyes found Hermione's body laying there with blood still running down her face. Not giving him time to ask questions Draco shot out a list of potions he needed, ordering the elf to go as fast as he could and return to him there. Something, anything, had to help. Surely, she would come back from this, she was too strong not to. Draco felt tears well in his eyes as his own sense of helplessness washed over him.
His eyes shifting back and forth between the clock on his mantle and the witch in his bed. His sense of dread growing with every passing hour that she wouldn't open her eyes.
If she were awake, she would know what to do.
"Please Hermione…" he begged her still frame, cupping her petite hand within his own and bringing her fingers to his lips. "Please don't leave me. Just wake up."
Hour after hour passed, Pod having long since returned and administered the potions, but still she never stirred. His only solace had been the steady rise and fall of her chest as air was pulled in and out of her lungs. He never took his eyes off of her, always worried that each breath would be the last.
The two of them, Draco and the scared little elf, stayed by her side the entire time it took for her to wake. The potions he had administered having a minimal effect or simply taking longer to take hold. He could not be completely sure, as every time he ran a diagnostic over her she showed minor increments of improvement. Somehow the spell back in time did something to their bodies that made healing a slow-going process. Even Draco's own headache had taken hours to recede after taking a healing potion of his own. What he could not figure out though was why it always seemed to take such an extreme toll on Hermione.
He spent the entire day laying by her side, willing her eyes to open before sleep finally claimed him.
At the feel of a small hand brush across his forehead he jolted awake. His wild eyes immediately locking onto the big brown orbs of the witch next to him. The sun peeked through the curtains. Two days, it had been almost two days since he'd seen that smile and it had been the scariest two days of his life. In that time, he decided they would not use that spell again. He could not bring himself to lose her, he didn't think that he could go on if something happened to her. The idea was unfathomable.
They would simply have to find another way.
Losing himself to relief at seeing her finally awake he decided then, that even if it meant he had to run away with her, he would do whatever it took to keep his witch alive.
**A/N: AS I stated in the previous note, this chapter was originally going to be part of the chapter before it, however, thanks to the literary genius of my wonderful Alpha you now have this unhurried piece before you. So on that note, this chapter is officially dedicated to realjane (aka thesuperjane).Without you I don't know what would have become of this chapter and it definitely deserved more than getting crammed at the end of another. Thank you for being my sounding board when I am lost. Thank you for the late-night chats as we build together. And thank you for just being you and taking up a random stranger on the offer to Alpha together. This stranger really loves and appreciates everything you do
p.s. As always guys let me know what you think, and if you haven't already don't forget to check out my Tumblr for extras, sneak peeks, and other goodies! blog/pink-wednesdays