Recently some renovation had been done to the Monroe house. Expansion of rooms, remodeled bathrooms, things like that. As the renovation had massively disrupted Grace's life, with random people she didn't know constantly running around and the sounds of construction everywhere while she tried to relax, as a present for being so patient her parents allowed her to choose a renovation for her own room. At first she thought she might remodel her bathroom or have a walk-in closet installed but ultimately it was Simon who gave her the idea she would use.
"I think you should add a balcony to your room." he'd said to her when she'd asked him over the phone. A balcony wasn't even something she'd considered and she was curious to hear Simon's thought process on the matter.
"Why a balcony?" Grace had asked.
"Because, I saw in this movie where these two friends always hung out on a balcony. Like, one would leave a ladder for the other and she'd come knock on the friends window and they'd sit on the balcony and talk and hang out. I thought it was cool." he explained. Grace always found Simon's thought process to be interesting the very least and while a balcony wasn't very practical she couldn't stop thinking about the idea. So when her parents asked her what renovation she wanted for her room Grace requested a balcony and they built it on.
When it was completed Grace had to thank Simon because she honestly did fall in love with it right away. Her room wasn't at the very top of the house but it was still high enough up that when Grace opened the big window and walked out onto it she could look out across the neighborhood and pretend that she was a princess about to belt out a song. Of course she'd been informed by her parents that if she tried she'd be in big trouble and she wouldn't have anyway because Grace couldn't stand doing things in front of people unless she was profficent.
She'd been playing the violin for three years and she'd still never performed in front of anyone besides her parents and her instructor. In a way she admired Simon for his complete and utter commitment to doing things even when he was bad at them. He worked on Esmoroth despite the fact that it had become even more bloated and over-written as time had passed and he shared it with whoever would listen. He played the piano even when he messed up notes and played things in the wrong order and he would play for anyone.
He did his best to speak in French even when it came out incomprehensible and he'd practice on anyone because he was not at all afraid of being bad at something in front of people. Grace liked looking like she was effortlessly great at everything even if it took years of secret effort. She wouldn't sing if she thought she couldn't hit the note or share a half-finished routine. To Grace that wasn't a flaw, it was a part of her character. There was nothing wrong with wanting to only present the best of yourself and she resented the idea that there was.
These were the things that Grace would sit and ponder while she relaxed on the balcony. She'd sit there, sometimes with Simon over the phone but most times alone, and she'd think about life.
She'd think about who she was and who she was going to be. She'd write down moves that she wanted to try or try and remember the dreams she'd had and sometimes if she went to bed early enough Grace could be up in time to watch the sunrise over the clouds and she'd feel both selfish and lucky that this was an experience that she was able to have.
Simon also loved the balcony which made sense considering the fact that it had been his idea. Whenever her parents said it was okay for Simon to come over his mother or father would drop him off and exchange words with her parents while Simon ran over to the side of the house and climbed the ladder she left out for him. He'd knock on the window and Grace would open it and either let him into her bedroom or join him out there. It was a routine for them that when Simon came over the first thing they'd do was sit on the balcony.
It was one of those times with the two on Grace's balcony with Simon talking about Esmoroth or something that Grace had completely zoned out of where Grace decided that maybe she was good enough at the violin to play for someone who wasn't her parents or her teacher. So she'd turned to Simon and cut off his long winded rant about how hard it was to write fight scenes when she'd asked him about something.
"Hey Simon, do you want to hear me play something on the violin?" she asked. Simon stopped his rant and responded.
"I forgot you played the violin. Yeah, of course I want to hear it." he said. Grace nodded and re-entered her bedroom to grab her instrument. In all honesty she was still a bit terrified to perform in case something went wrong and her carefully cultivated image of effortless perfection was shattered but this was a piece she'd practiced for a long time. When she returned to the balcony with her instrument Simon sat down in front of her as if she was about to put on the show of a lifetime and Grace carefully took her bow to the strings and played.
The reason Grace loved dance so thoroughly was the fact that all variables of her success rested on her alone. The strength of her performance was solely on her shoulders and that was how she liked it, only having to worry about herself to achieve perfection. Playing the violin was different, she had to work alongside an instrument, to lead and to be led by the sounds that were pulled from the strings. There was another variable, raw creative emotion channeled through a conductor rather than simply through herself.
And yet as she played on it felt less like the violin was a conductor for her emotion through music but more of an extension of herself. She was the notes and she was present in every movement of the bow along the strings. As she played Grace was in playing the violin as she was in dancing, she was abject perfection. She concluded the song, it being relatively short and Simon clapped like it was the best thing he'd ever felt proud that she'd worked up the courage to do it and that it had paid off.
"Rosemary's theme from the Giver." Simon said "Nice choice." he added complementing what she'd just played. Grace gave an earnest smile and explained her thought process.
"When you played the piano for me that was the song you played. So I figured I play it for you." she responded, Simon looked shocked and Grace considered it a fair reaction based upon the fact that he'd done that almost two years ago now and she remembered it. To Simon that had probably been a very mundane and insignificant memory but to Grace it had been monumental. Just as Simon crying in front of her on the first day they met had meant something to her that it hadn't to him so had this.
"I can't believe you remembered that." he said and he sounded fairly impressed by that though Grace wasn't sure if he'd been impressed by the fact that she remembered what he played or remembered that it had happened at all. She began packing her instrument away when Simon added something to his statement. "You know, that would probably make a pretty awesome duet." he mused and Grace was reminded all that time ago of asking her instructor in the violin and piano went well together.
At the time Grace had taken it as a sign that she and Simon were cosmically intertwined to be friends. Grace didn't know if that cosmic destiny stuff was true but she wanted it to be and so when she saw a sign that her and Simon were supposed to meet she grasped onto it. Recalling that now it did make Grace want to duet that song with Simon and so she said so despite the fact she'd never performed a duet in her life and had no idea how to do so.
"That sounds great! Let's do that the next time I'm over at your house." she said as she opened the window and walked back inside. She put her violin away and because it was getting a bit cold outside Simon came in too. The rest of that day was uneventful. Eventually Simon was picked up, Grace was called to dinner and she didn't think about the duet for a while. On some day not long after that one she'd been on the phone with Simon and he'd off-handedly reminded her to bring her violin over to his house the next time so they could practice and Grace frowned.
She hated practicing in front of people. She practiced alongside her fellow dancers out of obligation and because of the fact that they were in the same boat. But when she was home, and when she worked on the violin, she limited the number of people who could see her to none save for an instructor. The concept of practicing required an inherent vulnerability that Grace did not like to share when she didn't have to. A performance was a highly cultivated collection of all the best parts of yourself, a practice was everything you had to cultivate out.
The existence of a practice necessarily shattered her goal of having to put on a front of perfection in all things. In other words, if she practiced alongside Simon he'd hear the sour notes, the forgotten entrances. He'd know the perfection that she presented wasn't effortless. He'd know she wasn't the best at everything like he often called her. And that terrified Grace not because she only wanted to be seen as flawless but because she'd spent so long presenting herself that way that the idea of anyone liking her as a non-perfect person was ludacris.
She pantomimed natural flawlessness for everyone including her parents even though she knew they would love her regardless because some deep down part of her feared that if she wasn't naturally good at things they would see her as a burden. If she couldn't fail in front of them how could she allow herself to fail in front of Simon who unlike her parents, had no natural obligation to her. If she stopped being the cool and awesome person who was good at everything Simon would have no reason to stick around.
And so Grace practiced the violin more than she'd ever practiced it before in the hopes of being good enough to not make any mistakes when she and Simon dueted that weekend. She worked hard because children aren't rational and to Grace if she wasn't the best at everything Simon wouldn't want to be her friend so she'd have to be the best at this. Even her instructor noticed a drastic improvement in their practice the day before she and Simon had agreed to duet. She took her violin and had a silent car ride with Pierce to the Laurent household.
"Hey Grace, great to see you." Mr Laurent had said when he opened the door.
"Hi Mr Laurent." she'd responded. Grace wasn't trying to be cold, but her mind was so thoroughly focused on the need to be perfect for this duet that she didn't have much brain space left for small talk.
"Simon told us you two are going to perform a song, I can't wait to hear it." he added as Grace stepped into the house. Upon hearing that Grace wanted to rush to the nearest bathroom and vomit. It was terrifying enough to have to perform a duet which she'd never done before, she'd also just had an audience sprung upon her. She tried not to be mad at Simon because there was no way he could know about how it would make her feel and he probably thought that she already knew which she probably should have.
Upon walking further into the house she found Simon reading over some printed out sheet music and tapping away on the keys seemingly practicing disparate parts in no particular order. How brave he had to be to play like that and be seemingly unaware of how it sounded. Or even more interestingly to be completely aware of how it sounded and to do it anyway. Grace took a deep breath and addressed him.
"Hey Simon, I'm here." she said. Simon looked up from the keys and gave her a smile.
"Awesome, do you want to warm up before we start playing or do you want to jump right in?" he asked. Grace considered this for a moment and looked over what she knew. Warming up was essential to sounding right before you played but on the other hand Grace knew what warm-ups sounded like. They did not fit with the perfectly cultivated image of herself that she was clinging onto for the sake of her friendship so despite her better judgement she would forego them. This was a test of her prowess and of her ability to achieve perfection.
"Let's just jump right in." she said. Simon nodded and turned back to his sheet music as his parents entered the room. Grace felt her throat tighten as he began a count and suddenly she felt as though she was being crushed under the weight of her own fears. She could imagine it so vividly, the awful screeching emitting from her violin as the faces of the Laurent family turned to disgust and Simon announced that he no longer wanted to be friends with her. It was all so painfully clear and Grace knew that she had to be perfect to avoid it.
It was almost time for her to begin playing and she wanted to run towards the bathroom and lock herself in as a measure to never have to do this again. Grace took a mental breath. She was Grace Kathrine Monroe. She had been perfect before and she could do it again. She was the best at everything and she'd proved it countless times. She could prove it this time too. No one would find out her imperfections because she wouldn't give them the chance to. She entered on time and played like her life was on line.
Maybe in her mind her life was on the line in a way and so she channeled it into every movement of her bow. When they'd concluded they received a standing ovation from Simon's parents and sure it was nothing compared to an audience full of recital goers but in a way it almost felt better. How odd to have a room full of people cheering for you be dwarfed by just your friend's parents. Grace made a mental note to ponder why the next time she sat alone on her balcony and looked over her small portion of the world.