Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction using characters created by L.M. Montgomery and Moira Walley-Beckett. I do not claim any ownership over them and offer my writing to the world as a homage of appreciation to their creations as well as an outlet of imagination to imagine an infinity of alternate storylines. This is just one of them!
Author's Note: I apologize for the long wait, but the next chapter should be posted within a week or so. Life and a lot of rewrites just got in the way! Thank you for your encouragement and support, and hope you enjoy this latest installment!
XIII.
Gilbert's eyes connected with Anne's as soon as he entered the room. Her happy expression at his arrival made him smile and a warm feeling grew in his chest as his heartbeat quickened. He thought he heard Anne say something to the doctor about his plan to study medicine, and he nodded in agreement. But Gilbert's mind was barely present. It persisted in wandering despite his efforts to try and focus on what was happening in the room. He thought back to that morning and it already felt like ages ago; he almost felt like a different person then just before Cole told him of Anne's accident. His morning self had been focused on seeing Winifred and letting her know he couldn't commit to a future with her because his heart belonged to someone else.
Seeing Anne not only awake once more but speaking so animatedly to the doctor stunned and thrilled Gilbert. He was so tired of losing people he loved, and every fiber of his being was determined to help Anne get well, no matter what. Even if she did not feel the same way
When Gilbert first saw Anne unconscious, appearing so unlike her usual exuberant self, he couldn't help but think of his father and Mary. The thought of facing yet another unbearable loss, the possibility of losing Anne weighed heavily on his heart. He would have given anything to have traded places with her, to be the one who was injured instead. Soon after that thought, he reproached himself at having wasted so much time.
So when Anne awoke, Gilbert felt his heart swell with hope. Hope that she would recover from this terrible injury. Hope that there was still time. Hope that there was still a chance for him to confess his feelings to her, let her know that he had been so blind but now he understood. Hope that she returned his feelings...
Then came the shocking news: Anne thought it was April, not August. Her memories of the last four months were nonexistent, so it was understandable why she went into shock when learning this. And while Gilbert did help her initially calm down, she lost consciousness again. Gilbert blamed himself and confessed as much to Cole. He wished he hadn't just blurted out to Anne about how much time had actually passed.
Gilbert had been surprised when Cole came to him to see how he was doing. He was even more surprised to have confided so quickly in him, and that Cole had confided in him. Cole had just always been one of the boys in Avonlea, one of many children from the Mackenzie farm. While they had known each other for years, they'd never really had a full conversation. Gilbert had always been one of the most popular boys at school while Cole had always been quiet and kept to himself. It wasn't until recently that Gilbert got to know him better.
Anne told Gilbert the story about how Cole came to live with Miss Barry, and how she supported Cole's ambition to become an artist. Gilbert had wrongly assumed that Anne's heart belonged to Cole, given her closeness with both Cole and Miss Barry. Gilbert also observed how Anne and Cole shared an artistic perspective and sensitivity that none of their schoolmates had. So once Cole corrected Gilbert, Gilbert heard his words repeat themselves over and over in his mind:
"Yes, we are friends, but that is all, I assure you."
"Gilbert. Allow me to speak more plainly. I have never felt anything other than sisterly affection for Anne."
Gilbert had convinced himself so well that Anne had feelings for Cole, that it was a shock to have it all so resolutely and soundly refuted.
"Besides, there's no doubt in my mind who Anne favors. She—"
Gilbert thought about the way that Cole was looking at him with those words before they were interrupted. He couldn't stop himself from reviewing that moment as it forced him to examine his own feelings in a different light. He took a deep breath as he felt his heart beat faster at the possibility that Anne loved him back. All of the thoughts he had forbidden himself to entertain suddenly flooded his thoughts. Was there a future for them after all?
Gilbert often recalled his very first encounter with Anne on the way to school, reading more significance into it each time. Billy Andrews had been teasing her, and Gilbert thought he had been doing Anne a favor by distracting Billy from his quarry. Once he managed to chase Billy away, Gilbert had expected her to act like all the other Avonlea schoolgirls by thanking him and showering him with flattery. Instead, she ran away without so much as a thank you or introduction. To top it all off, not only did she reject his gift of an apple, she broke a slate over his head. Everyone, especially Mr. Phillips, had been horrified, except for Gilbert. He realized right away he had provoked Anne and got what he deserved. From that moment, he was captivated, not just by her formidable intelligence but her unyielding honesty. And he couldn't help but be drawn in by her brilliant blue eyes and fiery hair.
Despite that inauspicious start, their friendship blossomed gradually over the years. Gilbert had always admired Anne's passion for learning and appreciated how she challenged him to be a better student and a better person. While aboard a steamship to the Indies, he remembered how touched he had been to receive her letter and receive any word from Avonlea. Upon his return, Anne was not just a friend; she and the Cuthberts had become like family to him, Bash, Mary, and Delphine.
What made Anne stand out most to Gilbert was that she saw him for who he was. She didn't flirt or toy with his affections like the other girls who fawned upon his looks; Anne treated him as an equal and expected the same from him. She was the only girl in Avonlea who didn't seem to express any romantic interest in him. This didn't really bother him until they danced together at the schoolhouse.
Gilbert thought of that dance practice as the catalyst, the spark of an attachment that lay beyond friendship. Certainly he loved her as a friend for some time, but he hadn't allowed himself to consider her romantically. Yet when Gilbert and Anne first danced to "Dashing White Sergeant," they communed in a language of looks and touches and turns that felt like mischief and intimacy all wrapped into one. They found each other irresistible, having eyes for no one else. Indeed, it was as if they were the only people in the room; they were the last to go when the dance was over. Gilbert remembered not being able to properly speak or think immediately afterwards. From the glazed look in Anne's eyes, he suspected she might have felt the same. So he remembered the crushing disappointment when she left the school so quickly and without another word to him.
Gilbert wouldn't let himself believe that Anne Shirley Cuthbert could ever see him as more than a friend. Indeed, Anne appeared to be uninterested in anything but being schoolmates and friends. One day, she even seemed insistent on having him consider Ruby as a romantic prospect despite the fact that everyone knew that Ruby had long had a crush on him. Gilbert certainly didn't want to encourage Ruby's attentions or disappoint her with not being able to return her affections. He just saw this as further evidence that Anne saw him as a friend and nothing more.
When the Cuthberts had asked him to escort Anne to Charlottetown on the train earlier that year, Anne kept repeating how she didn't need him and could take care of herself. Her dismissive and unappreciative tone annoyed him so much that he barely spoke to her the whole trip. And Anne didn't exactly try to engage him in conversation too, as she was unwilling to share many details about her personal quest.
That happened to be the same day that Gilbert asked Winifred for tea for the first time. He became infatuated with Winifred not only because she was so beautiful and elegant, but also because she was also intelligent, witty, and far more worldly than any other Avonlea girl, including Anne. Winifred appreciated him and made him feel special. So when her father came to the point so quickly about marriage and his future, it forced him to make a choice. It initially seemed like an easy decision to make, until Gilbert saw Anne at the bonfire.
Anne looked magnificent with her flowing red hair as she danced in front of the firelight. The sparks and crackles from the fire seemed to emanate from her. Gilbert felt as if he were in a trance. He didn't know that seeing Anne that night would be even more momentous than Mr. Rose's talk with him.
When Gilbert beheld her, standing above their schoolmates and mesmerizing them all with her movements and words, he found himself confronted with the truth. There was only one person in the world who could both challenge and inspire him. One person who wasn't afraid of telling him the truth. One person who would make each shared day an adventure.
Gilbert was in love with Anne, had always been in love with her. But when he tried to tell her that night, he couldn't find the right words. All he could say was that one thing made him hesitate, and he looked directly at her. He didn't think he could be more clearer about his meaning. And her reaction seemed even clearer: she actually encouraged him to marry Winifred. Then it was clear that she preferred the company of their schoolmates to him.
Gilbert recalled walking back home from the bonfire in such melancholy. The chance of a lifetime was before him with marriage to Winifred, admission to the Sorbonne, and the financial support of her family. But when faced with the prospect of losing Anne forever, Gilbert finally understood his feelings for her. Unfortunately, his confession was met with rejection.
"Besides, there's no doubt in my mind who Anne favors. She—"
Cole's words reverberated in his mind again and again. Words that gave him hope...
"Doctor, will I ever be able to recover my memories?" Anne's question quickly brought Gilbert back to the present. It also reminded him that it was pointless to even ruminate on the possibility of Anne's regard. Anne believed it was April, and so the bonfire, her takeover of the school paper, the demonstration, dance practice, the county fair...for Anne, all of it had never even happened. The thought of so many lost moments—especially dance practice and the bonfire—it broke Gilbert's heart.
"I know this must be a frustrating response for you to hear, but I honestly do not know," said Dr. Holmes to Anne.
Gilbert noted that the doctor was clearly making an effort to choose his words carefully and not cause undue distress to Anne. Something he wished he had known how to do earlier.
The doctor continued speaking to Anne. "There is still so much we don't yet know about how memories work within the brain and how head injuries like yours affect them. And while there is always the possibility you could recover your memories, there is also the possibility that you might not. What makes me hopeful is that you are otherwise well and in good spirits."
"I do feel so much better than before!" Anne beamed. Gilbert felt lighter and energized; he had not truly noticed until that moment how much her smile had a profoundly positive effect on his mood. He looked at her eyes and was struck at how intensely blue they were, and how easy it would be to get lost in...
Gilbert shook his head to try to snap out of his trance as he watched Dr. Holmes examine Anne. After all, this was yet another opportunity to learn from another doctor. It was also a chance for him to help Anne in any way he could.
"You are a very fortunate young lady," said Dr. Holmes, after examining her eyes and redressing her head bandage. "Your physical condition appears to be fine despite the concussion. I don't see any reason why you shouldn't be able to return home tomorrow. Familiar surroundings and faces will help and you never know, you could possibly recover some of your lost memories. I would like to see you one more time tomorrow morning before you go, to make certain there are no other symptoms that may yet present themselves."
Miss Barry then invited the Cuthberts to stay the night so that they could bring Anne home in the morning. As she spoke with Anne, Marilla, and Matthew, Dr. Holmes approached Gilbert.
"I understand from Miss Anne that you were quite helpful earlier and that you aspire to become a doctor."
Gilbert was surprised and moved at having been thus mentioned. "She is being too generous. I only saw that she was breathing far too quickly and I helped calm her down. But she ended up fainting not long afterward."
"Don't be so hard on yourself! Your instincts were sound, and you did your best under the circumstances." Dr. Holmes smiled and patted Gilbert on the shoulder. "The technical knowledge you will gain in school, not to worry. It appears your bedside manner is already quite good."
"Thank you, Dr. Holmes." Gilbert shook his hand but silently disagreed with him. "Very kind of you to say. I've been studying what I can with Dr. Ward. He's been so helpful after I shared with him my ambition to study medicine. Do you know him?"
"Indeed! He was a great help to me when I first came to Charlottetown. You're lucky to have such a mentor. Please send Lucius Ward my regards when next you see him."
"Of course. I'll do that." Gilbert intended to visit Dr. Ward before returning home on the last train to Bright River. He just remembered that one of his patients suffered from amnesia but eventually recovered. So he wanted to ask Dr. Ward about the patient, hoping to uncover some information that might help Anne.
"And I meant what I said. Your Anne is very fortunate that her concussion was not worse, and that she has you, her family, and friends to look after her." Dr. Holmes winked and smiled at Gilbert. "Very fortunate indeed."
Gilbert could only nod and smile; he felt his cheeks get warm at the doctor's words and did not trust himself to respond. Marilla then came over to express her thanks to the doctor. Gilbert stepped away from them, happy that he was saved from having to continue the conversation.
"Your Anne." Gilbert knew that the doctor's words along with Cole's words would echo in his head to torture him. He wondered if it was so obvious how he felt about Anne, that even the doctor assumed there was something between them. Gilbert knew he had no right to call Anne his; nevertheless, he liked how that sounded, as hopeless as he felt about it becoming true.
Gilbert looked over at Anne and saw her speaking with Diana, who was laughing at something Anne just said. He saw that all the Barrys were also listening to Anne and laughing as well. Gilbert suddenly felt out of place, as he tried to listen and figure out why they were laughing. He realized that this feeling was how he'd felt ever since arriving as he was half in the room and half in his head.
"So Gilbert, what do you think of Dr. Holmes?" Anne called out to Gilbert after Dr. Holmes took his leave after the Cuthberts thanked him.
Gilbert walked closer to her. "I think you're in very capable hands." He then thought of what Dr. Holmes had first said to him and wondered what exactly Anne had told the doctor. "But Anne, what did you say to him about me? He said you told him how I helped you. But I—"
"I only told him the truth about how you helped me calm down and how you want to become a doctor. Consider my case part of your medical education." Anne's response made Gilbert's stomach do a flip, but also reminded him of what he planned to do next.
"As a matter of fact, I am planning to pay Dr. Ward a visit before I take the train home today. He had a patient with amnesia who eventually recovered. Perhaps something in his patient notes might prove helpful for you."
Anne's smile grew wider. "Oh, thank you, Gilbert. I feel ever so fortunate to have such good friends like you helping me."
Gilbert felt his cheeks flush yet again as he smiled back at Anne and remembered Dr. Holmes' words about Anne. "It's the very least I could do, Anne. I'll need to go soon, but I promise to call on you at Green Gables. Bash will want to see you too."
"Oh yes, please do." Anne looked at him quietly and seriously for a moment before laughing. "I'm sorry, it's just that you look somehow different to me. Not in a bad way I assure you. But I suppose a lot could change in a few months. I just—oh, it will be difficult, knowing that all of you know all about the last four months while I—" She looked down and sighed.
"Anne, don't lose hope now. You heard what the doctor said, there's every chance you could remember—"
"And every chance I might not." Anne looked up at him. "But I must count my blessings. I'm so happy to go home to Green Gables tomorrow!"
"That is great news indeed." Gilbert admired how Anne went from despair to gratitude so easily. He wished suddenly he could stay and talk with her, and encourage her to stay positive.
Diana and her parents then came over to speak with Anne, and Gilbert took that opportunity to take his leave. After he said goodbye to Miss Barry and the Cuthberts, he looked back at Anne one last time before leaving the room. Her eyes then locked onto his as she smiled.
Gilbert smiled and waved goodbye as he closed the door and walked out of the mansion and toward Dr. Ward's office. He sighed as he despaired how he'd ever be able to act normally around Anne again when his heart was so full of her.