AN: Does anyone else hate when New Dream is on the outs? Yeah, me too. I should really stop throwing curve balls at our favorite lovebirds, but writing the angsty stuff is just too much fun for me. Today's featured song is Miserable by Lit. It reminded me of the hard conversations Eugene and Rapunzel have in this chapter, and I just enjoy the song. This song inspired the chapter title, as well, as I'm a bit of a lyric junky.
Okay, enough rambling from me. Enjoy the new chapter! It's a long one, and also Rated M. Because, you know, making up can be fun, too.
Chapter 12: Give Up All of My Plans, but Who Needs Them? (When You Mean Everything)
Rapunzel isn't quite sure of anything anymore. She feels completely out of sorts, just as she had when her bare feet had touched the soft grass the first time she'd ever left her tower – the bold freedom of that day, and the intense guilt that had followed. Today, every emotion in the book is flooding rapidly through her body – emotions that tell her that she's the worst kind of person, because her actions have hurt someone she loves. This plethora of feelings forces Rapunzel to swing back and forth like an unhinged pendulum, from anger, to sadness, to guilt, and back again, making her feel dizzy and confused.
Despite all that she's learned in the last almost year and a half of living outside of her tower, Rapunzel feels like she doesn't know much about anything at all.
There are a few things that Rapunzel does know. She knows that she's a princess. She knows now that those lights in the sky had been meant for her, after they'd pulled upon her heart strings for her entire life. She knows that she'd been taken once, as baby, for the magical properties of her hair. She knows she'd been found by the most wonderful man in the world, returned to her rightful place with her parents – her real parents. She knows that her parents had felt little joy in her longwinded absence, and that they feel guilty for the way the joy she'd found was taken from her – guilty for not being able to do more to stop her marriage to Charles, and for the role they'd played in signing the marriage agreement with the Maddolineon council when she was only a baby, just before she'd been taken by Gothel. This guilt is rooted deep; she can see it on her parent's faces every time they look at her, even four months later.
They look at her like she's too fragile for this world, as though she may break at any moment, and she resents it.
Rapunzel knows that her parents love her, with a love that is true, and that she loves her parents. She knows that her mother doesn't lie to her, not in the way that the woman she'd thought was her mother had. She knows that her mother thinks she's beautiful, and that her admiration for Rapunzel goes beyond her hair, and that her father would protect her with his life. She knows that the marriage isn't their fault, at least not directly. She knows that it had been just as much of a surprise to them as it had been to her and Eugene. She knows that she shouldn't be angry with them, because her parents love her in a way that is pure and unquestionable, but a part of her still is. She can't help it. She simply tries to hide it the best she can, so as not to hurt their feelings or worry them.
Rapunzel knows that she'd lived a traumatic life. That word, traumatic; people had thrown it around a lot when she'd first arrived at the palace, but Rapunzel still isn't quite sure that she has a full grasp of what it really means. She knows that what Gothel had done – the way she'd treated and belittled her, the way she'd hidden her away, the way she'd stolen Rapunzel from her parents for her own selfish gain – had been deeply wrong. She knows that she's angry with Gothel for the way she'd hurt Eugene, the way she'd left him there on the tower floor to die. That had been a traumatic day, Rapunzel knows.
Regardless, life in the tower, pre-Eugene, pre-lanterns, had been utterly normal for her – she'd never known anything different. Sometimes, it's hard to hate Gothel completely, in the way she knows she should, in the way Eugene and her parents do. Because Rapunzel knows, even if Gothel had never truly loved her, she had truly loved Gothel. And for a long time, she'd believed every word the woman had fed to her. Sometimes, Rapunzel can still hear Gothel's condescending voice in her ear, telling her that she's too plain, too weak to handle herself, too naïve for the world, and that everyone may turn on her in any moment. 'Trust me, my dear, that's how fast he'll leave you.' But Eugene would never do that.
Right?
Though Rapunzel feels a deep-rooted anger towards her, resentment for her many years of lies and manipulation, some days, the princess still feels grief for losing the person she'd thought was her mother for eighteen years. She can't help it. Rapunzel had felt a strange twist of agony and relief when she'd watched Gothel fall from the tower window. She would never admit such a thing out loud, not even to Eugene, and especially not to her mother – her real mother, who she loves dearly, and who loves her back with a love that is genuine. But some days, Rapunzel feels the need to grieve Gothel, though she can't really explain why, and she usually winds up feeling ashamed for it. After all, the woman had almost killed the love of her life. Shouldn't she hate her, with a hate that's intense and deep?
Despite this fleeting grief that sometimes crosses her mind, Rapunzel doesn't regret putting the pieces of her identity as the lost princess together, or the way she'd fought for those pieces with everything she was worth. She doesn't regret the way she'd fought for Eugene – the way she'd fought for his life, too, and she doesn't regret the way he'd cut her hair clean off. She definitely doesn't regret that Gothel is gone because of Eugene's sacrificial decision. Yet, Rapunzel sometimes finds herself missing the lying woman. And she hates herself for it.
It's all very confusing.
Rapunzel knows that being a princess is an honor. She knows that it's a privilege to love her kingdom, to feel the love her people have for her in return. But she also knows that being a princess is tiring, exhausting even, and all around not what she'd expected it to be. This isn't always a bad thing. Rapunzel likes surprises, for the most part. But sometimes, like where jam-packed schedules and arranged marriages are concerned, she wishes she would've had a bit more of a heads up concerning the expectations of a royal family member.
Rapunzel knows that sex is good, or at the very least, normal, even though a lot of people like to say it's not. She knows that there are many good people in the world, and many bad people, but that not everything is so black and white. She knows that there are good people who have done bad things, like Eugene. She also knows that there are bad people who do good things in order to use you, like Gothel. She knows that dancing in the rain will give you a runny nose the next day, but it's worth it to feel so alive. She knows that noble people (stuffy, stuck up people, as Eugene would say), will stare at you for not wearing any shoes, but the feeling of your toes in the warm grass, is worth all the stares in the world. She knows that there are people you can trust, and people you can't trust; people who have your best interest at heart, like Eugene and her parents, and people who make you think you can trust them, like Gothel.
She knows that there are people who love you, and people who just say they love you, and that sometimes, the lines between the two can be very blurred.
The world is beautiful, don't get Rapunzel wrong. She relishes daily in the feeling of the sun on her skin, the unconditional love of her parents, and the intricacy of every conversation, every relationship, every feeling that comes with being human. She awakes each day, thankful for the freedom in no longer being trapped in her tower. But Gothel was right, if only about one thing: the world is also selfish, and cruel, and will not falter in destroying even the smallest rays of sunlight.
Rapunzel would like to think of herself as a positive person. Lately, though, it's hard not to focus on all of the ways that the natural light inside of her has been snuffed out by her recent string of bad luck. She often recalls the night that Eugene had been tied to the boat by the Stabbington's and put in prison – the night Rapunzel had returned to the tower with Gothel, fully believing that Eugene had betrayed her for the crown. She'd been so heartbroken, so confused, still on a high from the day they'd shared in the kingdom together, and the night in the boat, watching the lanterns float around them. The way he'd almost kissed her. Rapunzel considers the way everything had been going so perfectly when her dream of seeing the lanterns had finally been fulfilled, the way it had ended just as quickly as it had begun. She considers how her new dream, her dream of staying outside the tower with Eugene, had been ripped away just as fast.
Rapunzel recalls the moment Gothel had told her that Eugene would be hanged for his crimes, and how, in that moment, she'd wanted to die, too.
This feels like a reoccurring storyline in the princess's life now: Eugene being taken from her, in which she has little to no power in stopping it. Rapunzel feels completely helpless and unsure of herself, for the first time since arriving at the palace. She feels as though there's nothing she can do aside from constantly question what's real and what isn't, just as she had that night she'd been forced to go back to the tower.
The princess often recalls the moment she'd realized her true identity, who she really was all that time, and the battle that had ensued with Gothel, which had left her begging and pleading on the floor. She remembers screaming for Eugene, her heart beating out of her chest as she'd watched Gothel stab him in the side. Traumatic. Maybe she does understand that word. She'd pleaded with Gothel to let her heal Eugene as he'd crawled toward her in utter agony, begging her not to do what she was about to – begging her not to go away with Gothel forever, for his sake.
She would've done it, gone away with Gothel, allow herself to be hidden away for the rest of her life, even after getting an intoxicating taste of what the world is really like. In a heartbeat, she would've given up her freedom for his, let herself be used forever, if only so he wouldn't have to die. Rapunzel often wonders – no, tortures herself with the idea – of what would have happened if she had healed Eugene with her hair in that moment, if he'd never cut it off. Would Eugene have found a way to pick the lock of the shackles that Gothel had put his wrist in, and chased after Rapunzel? Would he have starved to death, shackled to that beam, unable to get to her? Would she really have lived out the rest of her days with Gothel, knowing she isn't her mother, knowing she'd only been using her for her hair, all that time?
Rapunzel remembers the firm words she'd spoken to Gothel that horrible day: 'No! I won't stop! For every minute of the rest of my life, I will fight.'
I'll fight for him, even if he's not here anymore. Even if you take him from me.
Considering this memory, recalling the strength and courage of her past self, Rapunzel feels completely ashamed. She hasn't been fighting so much lately. Not for herself, not for him. Not like she would have a year ago. Now… now, she's just tired.
Well, that's not entirely true. She has been fighting, but not for Eugene, as she should be. She's been fighting with Eugene, and that hurts almost as badly as watching him die on the floor.
Almost.
For two days of Rapunzel's life, two days, she'd been truly free.
For two days, she'd experienced the world without Gothel's voice constantly in her ear saying: 'You can't do it. You're not strong enough, you're not smart enough, you're not pretty enough. You're not enough.' She'd experienced the world, not for what Gothel had told her it was, but she'd been able to see everything for herself, and had realized that the world really isn't so bad after all. She'd been terrified, admittedly, to leave her tower. But she'd had Eugene to guide her, to show her that, while the world is a little messed up and scary, and while people make mistakes in their lives, there is always room for redemption, and always room for love. The real kind, not the kind that makes you cling to lies and deceit, the kind that makes you afraid to trust yourself and your own judgement. But the kind that makes you cling to the truth of who you really are.
It had only taken two days. Two, measly days for Rapunzel to fall in love with the first man she'd ever met, and two days for him to cut her hair clean off – to eradicate the only thing she'd ever believed would provide her with a sense of self-worth, with a sense of purpose. It had taken him only two days to rid her of the power Gothel had over her, once and for all.
It was the ultimate sacrifice. The girl without the magic hair, still having a life to live, for the price of his life ceasing. And in that moment, she'd known that Eugene loved her back. Not even because he'd come for her – he could've done that out of sheer guilt – but because he'd been willing to die for her. He didn't have to cut her hair. He could've let her heal him, and be on his merry way, but he'd showcased their mutual love in the harshest way possible. They didn't have to say it. All he had to say was, 'You were my new dream.' And then, she knew. It was more powerful than any 'I love you' could have been. She'd known in that moment that this man was her fate, and that her fate had just been ripped violently from her hands by the woman she'd trusted, the woman she'd thought to be her mother.
Eugene had been just as much her fate as those lanterns in the sky. And just like those lanterns, he had eventually burned out, his body gone cold there on the tower floor. And she'd cried and cried, holding his lifeless body to her, wishing she could just die right there beside him, because what did she have to live for now, really?
Traumatic.
Now, over a year later, Rapunzel feels like she doesn't know anything at all. She knows that she's a princess, and she knows that her being a princess has her trapped all over again. Not in her tower, but this time, in a marriage that she would never be content with, not when she'd created this perfect image in her mind of a life with Eugene. She knows that her parents love her, but that sometimes, even parents can't fix things when they go horribly wrong. But that's about where Rapunzel's knowledge of the world ends.
She'd had two days of freedom from her tower, two days of adventure without the boundaries of the palace walls, two days to quench her curious spirit – two days of freedom with him. Two days.
Now, Rapunzel's not even entirely sure how Eugene feels about her anymore, what with that woman, Stalyan, being on his bed last night, her hands splayed across his chest, inching their way down.
Now, Rapunzel is questioning everything, just as she had that night she'd returned to the tower with Gothel, after Eugene's staged betrayal. She questions where she and Eugene stand after the fight they'd had last night, when he'd agreed that maybe, their love isn't worth fighting for anymore, what with her being married to Charles. She questions what sex really means, and whether it's something meant to be thrown around, and done with just anyone. Eugene had told her the opposite a long time ago, saying that sex, though it is thrown around often, for their purposes, is really intended to be beautiful – like the tangling of two souls, when those souls are meant to be together, as theirs were. And that's exactly what it had felt like to make love with him, as though her soul was eternally attached to his, forever tangled up in him.
But now, she isn't so sure. Rapunzel wonders if Eugene had ever really loved her at all. Or if, like Gothel, he'd only pretended to, because she had a palace, and a crown, and a new, lavish life.
No. That's not true, it can't be.
Eugene loves her, with a love that's real and unconditional. And Rapunzel knows it, even if she doesn't want to admit it right now. If this weren't true, he never would have stuck around for this long. He would have high-tailed it out of Corona the moment she'd gotten married to Charles. If he didn't truly love her, he never would've rocked her in his arms all those late nights she'd had horrific nightmares, in their first months living in the palace. If he didn't truly love her, he wouldn't have each micro-expression of hers memorized, able to translate every flicker in her eyes, every slight change in her tone of voice. If he didn't truly love her, he wouldn't be the only one not to scold her for not wearing shoes, or for getting a little too excited about the things no one else gets excited about. If he didn't truly love her, he wouldn't tuck her hair behind her ears when it falls into her eyes, he wouldn't let her steal the covers from him at night, and he wouldn't protect her so fiercely.
If Eugene didn't truly love her, he wouldn't have changed – he wouldn't have been so eager to leave the past, in the past, for her – abandoning Flynn Rider for good, and everything it had been for him.
But the past isn't quite so forgiving. The thought of Stalyan's hands on Eugene's chest makes Rapunzel feel sick. The thought of that woman's hands being anywhere beyond his chest, under his clothes, makes Rapunzel want to positively throw up.
The princess, lost in her thoughts, pads slowly down the hallway, bathed in early-morning sunlight, her nose shoved deep into the yellowed pages of a book. Rapunzel has loved to read since her youth in the tower, mostly because she'd been forced to find ways to entertain herself for eighteen years. In her tower, she'd only had a few books to choose from, books she'd read over and over again, to the point where she could eventually recite every line without cracking the book open itself.
Now, the princess is exposed to the endless palace library, in which there are more books than she could ever want; far more than she could read in a single lifetime. The thought makes Rapunzel feel a little anxious, knowing she'll never have the time to read each and every one, what with her busy schedule as the princess. Rapunzel enjoys reading and learning so much in fact, that she often gets so lost in an enthralling book that she can't help but let it consume her every free moment.
Like right now.
Cassandra has scolded the free-spirited princess about walking and reading enough times to know that she should probably stop doing it. But she hasn't fallen down a flight of stairs yet, so she can't find a good enough reason to end the potentially dangerous habit. Maybe it's just a silly coping mechanism, to get lost in a world that doesn't exist. Silly or not, successfully coping is the one thing Rapunzel knows for sure would feel good.
Well, that and a warm hug from Eugene, but that doesn't seem too likely right now.
Rapunzel had cried all night, after rushing to her bedroom after the fight with Eugene, the salty tears coating her pillowcase as Charles snored quietly at the other end of the overly-massive bed, completely oblivious to her pain. She'd rolled over and stared at the prince, her husband, for a while.
That word, husband – it still doesn't sit right with Rapunzel. She knows that she's married, that Charles is her husband now, but he doesn't feel like her husband, not the way she knows Eugene would have.
This is probably because nothing with Charles feels… natural. His hands are always cold, and his smile always tight, and there's something about him that just feels… wrong. It's not that Rapunzel thinks he'll hurt her, per say, it's just that there has never been a satisfying click between them, no spark. There isn't that funny, tingly feeling in the pits of her belly when she looks at him, the one she'd felt when she'd looked at Eugene's face for the first time, as he'd laid there on her tower floor, knocked out cold from her frying pan. With Charles, there's just blank stares, and guilt, and the knowledge that he probably deserves better – he deserves a wife that is actually capable of loving him, even a little. Rapunzel knows that she could try harder to get to know him, to make an effort with him. But the princess is just so tired of pretending, and she can't shake the feeling that something about Charles is positively off.
And maybe it's all just in Rapunzel's head, because being with anyone that's not Eugene would always feel wrong.
Watching him sleep, wiping the tears from her eyes, Rapunzel had considered how vastly different Charles is from Eugene. For starters, the prince's entire face is always freshly shaven. Eugene shaves too; Rapunzel had perched herself on his bathroom sink enough times to know, watching him drag a sharp blade across his face, with shaving cream lathered on his cheeks. This always made him look quite silly, like he had a big, white beard. She would giggle, and he'd point the blade at her jokingly, saying to her, 'You know, Blondie, I didn't get this handsome by just letting myself go.' She would watch closely as he'd shave carefully, always leaving just the hair on his chin, because 'Real men take pride in their facial hair.' But sometimes, Eugene wouldn't shave for a few days, and his face would grow quite prickly, and he'd rub the course hair against her soft cheeks, if only to hear the sound of her laughter.
She's never watched him do it, if only because something about it feels so intimate for some reason, but Rapunzel is sure that Charles has never missed a single day of shaving. He usually smells like aftershave, and typically dresses very formally, far more formally than Eugene, even when he's dressed in his guard uniform.
Sure, he's a prince, which means there is a higher air of expectation about Charles. But Rapunzel prefers Eugene's casual attire – a leather vest, boots, and a white, long sleeve shirt, which usually has a button or two loose at the top. His wardrobe is rather simple, but he always manages to look breathtakingly handsome. Charles's formality goes far beyond his clothes, melding into his personality. He's always so… stiff, so eager to impress, as if he's not comfortable with simply being himself. Rapunzel doesn't feel like she really knows anything about him, aside from the fact that he's a prince, and that he likes to brag about how 'Maddoline is a superiorly beautiful kingdom, in which the princess would fit in perfectly.'
Rapunzel far prefers that Eugene mostly only cares about impressing her, and sometimes, her parents. But mostly just her.
The princess should be with her parents and Charles right now, enjoying Christmas morning breakfast, exchanging presents together. Last year, she'd woken Eugene up at the crack of dawn, jumping on his bed. He'd moaned and groaned that 5 a.m. was far too early to be woken up in such a manner, even on Christmas. She'd only giggled, dragging him out of bed after peppering his face with kisses in the dark, coaxing him from the warmth of the blankets, into the warmth of her ever-present wonder for the world. She'd raced up the stairs, her love in tow, so excited to experience Christmas morning in the palace for the first time. Eugene had groaned all the while, still half-asleep as she'd tugged him along, but he couldn't quite wipe the loving look off of his face, always enchanted by the princess's childlike excitement.
This year, everything is so starkly different. This Christmas morning, Rapunzel hadn't wanted to be with anyone – well, anyone excluding Eugene, but she's still angry with him. She's afraid to tiptoe down to his bedroom, in case he'd really meant what he'd said last night, about them not seeing one another anymore. She'd slept in late, well past nine o'clock, which is entirely unlike her. She'd always been an early riser, but today, the sun just didn't entice her out of bed like it usually does. Really, she just wants to be alone – not under the prying eyes of Charles and the worried looks of her parents, as they wonder why she isn't acting like her usual, happy-go-lucky self.
Rapunzel feels as though she's been slowly losing herself these past four months, becoming a shell of the young woman she'd once been, so carefree and bubbly, always finding the bright spot in any dark situation. Lately, it's been difficult to find a single thing that's going right.
Her parents would question her lack of cheer, and then she would have to pretend that she and Eugene hadn't gotten into an explosive fight last night, the kind that blows up, right in your face. She can't explain away her bad mood, which was brought about by finding another woman on Eugene's bed with him, her fingers inching their way to the buttons on his shirt. Doing so would give away the fact that she's still been seeing Eugene behind everyone's back in the first place. The last thing the stressed princess needs right now is Charles starting a fight with the former thief – or, more likely, Eugene punching Charles in the nose. Again.
But Rapunzel doesn't want to blatantly lie to her parents, and she doesn't want to pretend that she's in a good mood, either. At least for a few hours, the princess wants to comb through her thoughts, and prepare herself to spend the evening with Charles and her parents. She must mentally prepare to put on a happy front, when doing so feels nearly impossible. She would have to do enough pretending tonight at the Christmas evening dinner, and at the inevitable New Year's Eve celebration. She's been doing enough pretending lately, and frankly, she's tired of it. So, for now, Rapunzel will allow herself to drift away from reality, caught in a fairytale that appears preferable to the current climate of her own life.
Enchanted by her book, a story about a young queen who single-handedly saves her kingdom from ruin and despair, Rapunzel doesn't initially notice the hand that suddenly wraps around her upper arm. Not until she's being dragged away, and jostled into a small sitting room. She yelps, her heavy book dropping to her feet in the empty hallway with a loud THUNK.
The sitting room door shuts, and she's pressed against it firmly, a strong arm positioning itself above her head so she can't escape the room, even if she wants to.
"We need to talk."
"Eugene." She breathes, panting slightly from the surprise of being pulled into the room so suddenly, dragged from the fantasy she'd been enveloped in. "You scared me."
He's standing there, so close to her, and she can tell immediately that he looks sorry about last night. Really, really sorry.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to. I just didn't think you'd talk to me if I asked."
She cocks her head, jutting her chin, recalling the events of the previous night, the nails of the anger she'd felt digging themselves deep into her skin all over again. Rapunzel is determined to give him the cold shoulder today, even if it kills her to do so.
Eugene notices that Pascal is perched there on her shoulder, shooting him an equally irritated look.
Great, even the frog is mad at me.
"You look tired."
That's really all she has to say? Well, the bags under his eyes had been pretty prominent this morning.
"Merry Christmas to you, too, Blondie." Eugene sighs heavily, rubbing his face. "I sort of didn't sleep last night. Like, at all."
"Neither did I." She confesses quietly, looking away.
Because if she doesn't look away, she's going to focus on how handsome he is, and then all that anger she feels towards him will melt away in an instant, and any sense of control she has over the situation will be lost. And she's lost enough control over her own life recently.
In her mission not to look Eugene in the eye, Rapunzel gasps quietly, grabbing for his wrist.
"What did you do to your hand?"
Eugene yanks his arm away, not in the mood to be pitied.
"I might've punched the wall." He states blankly. "After you left."
"Oh… I'm sorry."
This is all my fault. I must've hurt him so much, what with the things I said to him last night. I was too harsh with him –
"Don't say sorry, Blondie. None of it was your fault."
There's an unspoken, mutual guilt lingering in the air between them, because they'd never gotten in such an explosive fight before. Sure, they'd argued here and there, but not often, and when they did, their words for one another weren't quite so fueled, or quite so harsh. For this reason, the pair isn't incredibly accustomed to this day-after, make-up thing.
Well, that's not entirely true. Eugene is accustomed to it, as he'd gone through the toxic make-up-break-up cycle with Stalyan plenty of times before. He's just never done it with Rapunzel, and he'd hoped to keep it that way.
"Whose fault is it, then?"
"I'm guessing you think it's mine?" Eugene cringes, praying she isn't hiding a frying pan under her dress, because his skull can't survive that again.
Rapunzel simply sighs, running a frustrated hand through her choppy hair.
"I don't really know what to think right now, Eugene."
"Well… you told me that I was acting like Flynn Rider." Eugene states, sure that his tone showcases how offensive the comment was for him. "Think we should talk about that?"
Eugene knows that she would only have said something so harsh if she was truly hurt. She'd had every right to be hurt, seeing him with Stalyan like that, without any context for the situation, before finding out he'd been engaged before he'd met her. He'd spent the entire night worrying about her, praying he hadn't pushed Rapunzel right into Charles's arms for comfort, in the midst of her anger towards him.
Rapunzel just shrugs, speaking matter-of-factly.
"Because you were. You were acting like him."
"Look, I'm sorry, Sunshine." Rapunzel melts a little at the endearing nickname, but tries her best not to show it. "I truly am. For how I acted, for what you saw. But it wasn't what it looked like, and I didn't mean what I said about thinking we should end things. I didn't mean it at all."
Eugene's brown eyes are pleading, screaming, 'Trust me, please, just trust me. I haven't lied to you before, not even in our first days together, and I'm not going to start now.'
"I promise."
There's that word again: promise. One little word, which holds so much weight between them. 'When I promise something, I never, ever break that promise.'
She shouldn't have made him promise to take her to see the lanterns, to give his satchel back in return. She should've said, 'Promise that you won't fall in love with me, so you won't have to experience the agony of watching me marry another man.'
But Eugene knows he would've broken that promise, anyway.
"But you let her sit on your bed. You let her touch you." Rapunzel looks up at Eugene with a freshly simmering anger in her eyes, a deep-set frown dragging her lips downward. "I thought I was the only girl that could touch you. That's what you told me, a long time ago. Is that not true anymore, because I'm married now?" She asks a bit timidly, clearly afraid of his answer. "Do you want someone else to touch you?"
Eugene sighs deeply and brings a hand to his face, pinching the bridge of his nose between two fingers. He rarely loses his patience with her, but when he does, this is the telltale sign, and she knows it.
"No, no, no." He responds firmly, replacing his arm above her head, leaning into the door for support. He's towering over her, and if she wanted to, she could tuck her head right under his chin – a perfect fit.
Not that she wants to.
Eugene continues on, determined to explain himself properly this time, without coming off like a stonecold douchebag.
"Look, I know things looked bad when you walked in, okay? I get that. But her showing up here… that's not what I ever wanted! I don't want her, Blondie, I didn't want her to touch me. I made that clear with her, that you are the only woman I could ever want, but she's not the best listener, alright?" Rapunzel nods, and Eugene thanks the heavens that she's listening intently, giving him a chance to properly explain. "But you have to know, I want you, Rapunzel. And I told you that in the hallway, just before you showed up to my room. That's still true, whether she showed up unexpectedly or not. I want all of you, forever. Only you."
"But… you agreed that we should end things." Rapunzel states, only because she's been turning over this part of the argument again and again in her head all morning.
"Like I said, Rapunzel, I didn't mean it. I was just angry about Stalyan and –"
Her eyebrows push together in annoyed confusion.
"Why would you say something if you don't mean it?"
"Because I was frustrated, alright? I was angry that Stalyan showed up here. Because frankly, I never wanted to see her again! Things have been so…" Eugene shakes his head, struggling for the right words. "Fucked up lately as it is, without her around. But please know, I had no idea she would show up, and I would never want her here. Not when I have you."
"Well, if things are so… so…" Rapunzel had never taken to swearing casually in conversation. She only did so occasionally when they would make particularly passionate love. Eugene winces when his harsh vocabulary, vocabulary completely unfit for a princess, leaves her mouth. He really needs to start being a better influence for her. "Fucked up lately… why are you still here? I'm sure you'd be a lot happier if you left."
"No, Blondie. I wouldn't be happier." How is he going to dig himself out of this hole with her? "I'd be miserable anywhere without you."
"I feel like you're miserable now." Rapunzel's eyes are pointed at the floor as she bares her worst fear to him – the fear that he's going to get fed up enough with their current situation, to leave once and for all.
Eugene sighs, deeply.
"Okay, you want honesty from me? Yes, I hate the situation we're in. And yes, its miserable being forced to watch you be married to another man. And yes, I was miserable last night thinking about how hurt and confused you probably are right now. But I'm not miserable when I'm with you, Rapunzel. I'm actually very far from it. And that's plenty worth it, okay? It's worth this mess that we're in. You are worth everything to me."
"You're worth everything to me, too, Eugene." She states simply. "But I'm still mad at you for lying."
"I didn't lie –"
"Fine, for hiding things. Which is just as bad as lying." The princess points out, crossing her arms across her chest defiantly, her spunky side coming out to play.
Usually, he'd find her spunky side incredibly cute. Just not right now, when its powers are being used against him, to gain the upper hand. Eugene finds himself growing rather frustrated once more. He wills himself not to be frustrated at her, but frustrated with the situation they're in.
She's suspicious and confused, and with good reason. But it's difficult not to grow irritated, because it's not like he'd asked Stalyan to come here to the palace. He just wants Rapunzel to believe in him, in the same way that he still believes in her – the way that he still believes in them, in the small shred of hope that they'll be together someday, despite the many growing reasons not to.
"Rapunzel… I trust that you're not letting Charles, your husband, fuck you every night that you're not with me. That requires a lot of trust! I turned around my entire life to stay here, pushed aside everything I've ever known, to be here with you! I became a different person, a better person, for your sake! And you can't trust me enough to believe that I would never do anything with another woman?"
Rapunzel recoils, pushing her back firmly against the door. That same fire from last night ignites brightly in her eyes once more, at Eugene's mention of Charles.
Okay, so he's going to dig himself deeper then, instead of dig himself out.
"First of all, no one is holding a gun to your head, forcing you to stay here, Eugene. Second of all… I would never do that to you, I would never let him touch me like that. And I really can't believe you just said that." She shakes her head in disbelief, green eyes narrowed fiercely. "When are you going to stop holding it over my head that you had to leave your amazing life of adventure, for a miserable, boring life here in the palace with me?" Her voice is rising now, and Eugene knows she's about to abandon ship, storm away like she had last night, running like water through his hands. "When will I ever stop feeling like such a burden to everyone?"
Eugene immediately backpedals. He hadn't known she feels like a burden. Eugene's face softens at that, never wanting his sweet princess to feel that way, because it's completely untrue. He lifts a hand to gently caress her cheek, but she just pushes it away.
"Rapunzel, I didn't mean it like that. I would never hold that over your head. I'm still here because I want –"
She stares up at him, her jaw clenching and unclenching, before reaching for the door handle behind her.
"I know what you meant."
The princess slips from the door before he has the chance to grab her, slamming it roughly behind her. All Eugene can do is rest his forehead against the closed door, groaning in utter defeat, knowing that if he hadn't fucked things up worse last night, he surely has now.
Eugene wanders the palace for a while, with no real destination. The halls are positively sullen, as much of the palace staff has the day off, aside from the kitchen. He walks through the gardens for a bit, hoping to clear his head, but without any luck. Once he starts shivering, Eugene returns inside, making his way to his bedroom. He passes Lance in the hall, who's just gotten off of work, suggesting they take a gander to one of the pubs in the village, but Eugene promptly refuses. He doesn't want to spend Christmas in a bar. Even though drowning his sorrows, forgetting how angry Rapunzel is with him, does sound a little enticing right now.
But he decides against it, just in case Rapunzel decides to forgive him, and wanders her way down to his bedroom. She'd already seen him drunk once, and that was enough.
After about a half hour of sitting on the edge of his bed, contemplating the entirety of his life decisions, Eugene perks up at a soft knock on the door. He knows that it could be one of two people: Rapunzel or Stalyan, and he hopes for the first.
Thankfully, it's his princess at the door. She looks so pretty, as usual, standing there in the lowly lit hallway, that he almost forgets they'd ever fought at all.
"Hi, Sunshine. Nice to see you here, at my door, looking completely displeased with me."
"Hey." She responds quietly, ignoring his sorry attempt at a joke, her bare feet padding forward tentatively. Her eyebrows are pushed tightly together, in a slightly amusing fashion.
Eugene leans against the door jam, casually crossing his arms over his chest. He knows he shouldn't smile at her scrunched expression, but she's just so… cute, even when she's angry, and even when that anger is directed at him.
"I thought you were still mad at me."
"I was." Rapunzel pauses, correcting herself. "I am."
Her eyes narrow at him, and he holds his hands up in defense. She may be little, but she is fierce when threatened. Eugene had quickly learned that fact when she'd given him about seven concussions with a frying pan upon meeting him for the first time.
And people say there's no such thing as love at first sight.
"Hey, I understand why you're pissed. I'm not saying you don't have every right to be."
"Good. Because I am."
"Noted."
Regardless of her displeased tone and expression, the princess pushes past him anyway, into the bedroom, and Eugene takes this as a cue to shut the door behind her. She stands there at the end of the bed, her arms crossed over her chest, as she looks up at him with a fixed, hyper-serious expression.
"Do you love me, Eugene?"
Eugene's face softens, and he steps toward her, taking both of her hands into his.
"What kind of a question is that, Blondie? You know I do, more than anything."
"Good."
"Why do you ask?"
"Because, I'm... ugh! I'm losing my mind, Eugene!" She retracts her hands from his, pacing up and down the length of the small room. "I'm feeling things I've never felt before, this deep... jealousy inside of me that I can't stop. I'm not a jealous person, Eugene!" She whirs, facing him again. "What did you do to me?"
Well, at least now she knows the agony he's felt all this time she's been married to Charles, if only a small fraction of it. Eugene stops her pacing, holding her face in his hands. He's trying to hold back an amused chuckle at her exclamation, even though he knows it's not funny. She's pissed off, and worried, because he'd almost gotten married, and hadn't told her about it. And now, his ex-fiancé is here, working in the palace, trying really damn hard (without success) to seduce him.
In hindsight, Eugene knows he should've told her, but he'd honestly thought he'd shaken Stalyan once and for all.
But, per usual, his past continues to haunt him. Honestly, Eugene knows he'd been stupid, a little naïve even, to believe that woman wouldn't slither her way back to him at some point, like she always does.
"Okay, okay. Slow down." Eugene rests gentle hands on each of her shoulders, determined to take a more patient approach this time. He's lucky that Rapunzel's simmered down enough from their conversation earlier, to come down here and talk to him at all, because he knows he doesn't deserve it. "What can I do to help, Sunshine?"
"I don't know!" The typically gentle-tempered princess throws her hands in the air with a defeated groan. "Kiss me, take me away from this palace, do something! I don't care what. But I swear, if I have to think about that... that woman touching you one more time —"
But Rapunzel doesn't have to finish her ranting, because he's already kissing her, lifting her off the ground to wrap her legs hastily around his waist. She's taken a bit by surprise, but immediately melts into the kiss, digging a hand into the hair at his neck.
Suddenly, her slightly amusing, and somewhat flattering, showcase of jealousy is something that he can't laugh at, not even a little — suddenly, it's something Eugene realizes he needs to take care of — if not, blunt as it is, fuck right out of her.
He needs to show his princess that there's no one but her, no one else he could ever possibly want.
"Hey." He pulls back from the passionate kiss, holding the base of her skull in a firm hand, so she has to look him in the eyes – eyes that are beginning to darken, and quick. "I'm yours. I'm yours, and I'm only yours, and you don't have to worry about her."
"Do you promise?" She whispers, wrapping her legs tighter around his hips, arms around his neck, drawing herself as close to his lips as she can without kissing them.
It's a silly question, really, because she's married to someone else. But there's been this unspoken conclusion between them since she lost her virginity, in which they still belong to one another, and always will.
Because there's just no use in pretending they could ever belong to anyone else.
"I promise. Stay with me, Rapunzel, please. Let me show you that I'm yours, just for tonight."
Rapunzel shakes her head, pressing her forehead to his. Her eyes close, and Eugene's heart breaks a little, at how defeated she looks, how tired he can tell she is.
"It's not just for tonight, Eugene. It never will be. I'll always be yours, forever," She reaches down to finger the buttons on his shirt, beginning to unbutton them. Her eyes open, staring right at him, and his legs start to go weak. "No matter what happens."
"Kiss me." Eugene begs in return, eating up her pretty little words. Eugene delights in the way they reassure his own jealousy, and the deep, daily fear that he's slowly losing her to someone else — to a man who can give her a lot more than he ever could.
But he can give her his love, he can give her all of himself. And that's just going to have to be enough.
Eugene walks to the bed, gently laying her down onto the mattress. She whimpers when the kiss breaks, her neediness for him taking leaps and bounds, growing rapidly by the moment. Reaching down, Rapunzel undoes the front of his pants, pulling them down just enough to provide some momentary relief from their restriction. Eugene remains standing before her, like a steady oak, and she the house of cards, waiting to be blown over by the slightest gust of wind.
He nudges her legs open to stand between them, which she immediately wraps around his waist once more, drawing him down to her level on the bed. She wiggles beneath him impatiently, bunching around her waist the skirt of the thin night dress she's wearing. Strong, steady hands skate their way up both of her bare thighs, making her moan in unbearable anticipation. His lips drag themselves up and down her soft neck, before returning to her mouth, capturing her own lips in a heated kiss.
He blows through her like a tornado, hot and cold chasing one another in violent circles. Thankfully, Rapunzel has grown accustomed to the harsh winds of her desire, knowing he'll always help her rebuild each time the storm blows right through her, knocking the wind out of her.
Eugene reaches between her legs, pulling her underwear slowly, teasingly, down them. His breath hitches when he realizes how wet she already is, her need clear as day. He lowers himself between her thighs, kissing up and down each of them. Her legs clench around his head, and she cries out softly when his tongue escapes his mouth. The tension of her body starts to steadily build, but much to her chagrin, he pulls away from the place he knows she wants him most, gauging her reaction, drinking in the way her body deflates and falls back.
Rapunzel whines in frustration, looking to him with pleading eyes.
"No, please…" She barely breathes the words out, grabbing at his hair, fully intending to guide his mouth back to her center.
He smiles up at her knowingly, nuzzling the inside of her thigh softly with his nose.
"What was that, Princess?"
Before she can respond, though, he slips a finger inside her. Her back arches into both of his hands – the one between her thighs, and the one placed under her, supporting her, wedged between her body and the mattress. The princess pants for air, incapable of forming a coherent thought, her head falling against the bed in defeat, almost unable to look at him.
"You're so… you're just so… and I want…"
"Yeah?" He asks, completely calm, completely in control of the situation.
God, that smirk of his is going to kill me.
"Please, Eugene, don't tease me. Not tonight." She begs, still panting hard.
Because staying mad at you for even one day was too hard. I want you now, because I was supposed to have you last night, before Stalyan showed up and ruined everything.
"Okay, okay." Eugene grins, pulling his finger slowly from her, eliciting a small moan from deep within her throat. He stands up straight again, taking each of her legs into his hands, wrapping her thighs firmly around his waist. He leans down to tap her nose gently with a finger, making her giggle. "I wouldn't want you to have to go without, Sunshine."
He pushes slowly inside of her, and they groan together, caught in the feeling of their burning need for the other finally being relieved. Eugene retracts himself, sliding out ever so slowly, lingering there, before returning inside of her. He finds the crook of her neck, kissing her there softly, indulging in the quiet little moans falling from her lips and into his ear.
"Eugene… I… I…"
He tightens his grip on her slightly, almost getting off from the simple desperation in her voice alone, cradling her head in his hands.
"What is it, Princess?"
"I need… God, Eugene, I need more."
She doesn't have to tell him twice.
It isn't long before lights are exploding behind her eyes, her muscles tightening and relaxing over and over again, the house of cards blown away completely. Soon after, he's tumbling over the edge with her, a few colorful words falling from his mouth. She laughs breathlessly at his dirty language; she can't help it.
Once they've laid there panting for a minute, catching their breath, Eugene suddenly leans over to the bedside table, pulling something from the drawer. Rapunzel sits up beside him, curious. She kisses his bare shoulder and he smiles, sitting upright beside her.
"I got you something. I was planning to give it to you last night, but… well, we both know how that went."
Eugene hands her the ring box, suddenly feeling a little shy, which is completely unlike him, especially around her.
"For me?" Rapunzel asks timidly, surprised by the presentation of a gift.
"For you." Eugene chuckles, knowing how excited she gets about surprises. Nervously biting his lip, he watches as she opens the ring box, her eyes growing wide at the piece of jewelry inside.
He can't tell if she's never seen anything so beautiful, or if she absolutely hates it.
"I know it's not the rock they gave you for marrying Charles." The wedding band she never wears, with that big diamond ring any typical girl would kill to have. Then again, Rapunzel is far from typical. "But... when I saw it, it just reminded me of you, because it looks so pretty and delicate. I mean, not that you're delicate. You're strong and independent… and… okay, you get it. I just wanted you to have it. I know I probably shouldn't have gotten you something, what with everything going on. But I just figured, you could say it's from Cass, or —"
She immediately slips the ring onto her ring finger, much to Eugene's content, inspecting the pink, intricately painted petals closely, her smile bright as the morning sun.
He never wants to stop basking in her light, even if he has to do so behind closed doors for the rest of his life.
"Oh, Eugene, it's beautiful! I like this so much better." Rapunzel leans in, kissing him tenderly, before holding her hand out in front of them to admire the ring further. She turns to him, and he swears tears are welling at the corners of her memorizing green eyes. It all feels a little bittersweet, because they both wish he was giving her a different ring; a wedding ring. "Thank you."
"Anything for you, Blondie."
Eugene pauses for a moment, feeling that weird sense of shyness wash over him again.
"Hey…" It's okay to be honest about your feelings, Eugene. It's just Rapunzel. You can get anything off your chest with her, and she's not going to judge you for what you have to say, because she loves you. "So, now that that's out of our systems…" He leans over to gently bite Rapunzel's neck, playfully, making her squeal quietly. "Do you think we could talk about what happened last night?"
He rubs her back softly, hoping she'll say yes. Rapunzel runs a loving hand through his hair in response, as she's secretly been hoping the same thing, wanting to clear the air between them once and for all.
Make-up sex is good, she decides. But sometimes, it's just as good, and just as cathartic, to talk things out.
"Sure."
Eugene takes a deep breath, preparing himself to bare his heart. He's done so with her a hundred times, but sometimes, it's still hard for him to be completely vulnerable, and to be so serious.
Honestly, he'd always been okay with masking his feelings with jokes, sarcasm, and a playboy charm. But he knows that won't cut it with the princess. And besides, he doesn't want that for their relationship, anyway. Especially after last night. After everything had blown up in their faces in an instant, he just wants nothing but honesty between them.
"Rapunzel, I need you to know something, okay? Are you listening?"
"I'm listening, Eugene." Rapunzel responds, slightly amused by his urgency.
"Are you sure?"
"Euuugeeene…"
"Alright, alright. Look, Blondie, I just… you mean the world to me, alright? Losing you…" He mindlessly reaches forward to finger a few lose strands of hair, tucking them behind her ear. "Losing you to Charles… that hurt worse than getting stabbed. And that shit hurt. Like, really bad."
"You didn't really lose me, clearly – " She motions to her still-naked body, wordlessly stating that if he'd lost her completely, she wouldn't be in his bed right now, her legs still a bit shaky, coming down from that familiar high they've frequented so often lately.
"I know, I know. Just… let me finish, please." Eugene sighs, searching for the right words, fingering the sheets to distract himself, so as to not get embarrassed and abandon ship before he gets out what he wants to say to her. "I was an orphan, you know? And when I met Stalyan… no one had ever really loved me before, no one had ever shown me love. I was just… so young when I met her. I didn't know what I wanted, I wasn't… I wasn't comfortable with who I was. Not the way I am with you. Back then, I didn't think I ever would've been okay with being Eugene Fitzherbert again, because no one had ever loved me for him. They only loved me for who I was as Flynn Rider. And Stalyan, she… she stroked my ego, she made me feel good about myself. About who I was when I was Flynn. But she never really loved me, for me."
"Hey," Rapunzel softly takes his face into her hands, a look of guilt etched across her face. "What you said last night… you were right. There's no point in rehashing what we can't change. You don't have to explain your past to me –"
"But I want to. I need you to know this. And you deserve the truth from me, Blondie. All of it."
She nods, sensing that something is tugging on him, deep inside, and he continues.
"With her, I think I just… I think I just liked feeling wanted. Someone actually wanted me, for the first time in my life. But here's the thing, Princess…" He leans down to kiss her nose lightly, and she giggles. "I know now that I was never in love with her. I thought I was… a long time ago. I thought I knew what love was. But I only learned what love is, true love, when I met you. My relationship with Stalyan… God, it was so toxic. That girl walked all over me. And I'll be the first to admit, I didn't always treat her so great, either. But with you… I finally feel like I'm being treated in the way that I always deserved, that I always yearned for. And I guess I'm just scared because… well, because with you, I finally have something, something real. Something that gives my life purpose beyond stealing shit, and passing that off as a legacy to be proud of. Something that I never felt with her. Or with anyone, for that matter. Stalyan just fed the bad parts of me. But you… you always believed there was good in me, until I believe it, too."
Eugene pauses, his breath shaky. He wills himself not to tear up, but it's too late, and he's grasping the side of her face in his hand. And his chest starts to hurt just looking at her, because she's so fucking perfect, and he just loves her so much.
"Rapunzel, you are the only person who has made me want to be better. You're the only person I was willing to stop being so damn selfish for, after living that way for so long. I genuinely think that I would be dead right now if it weren't for you. Maybe not literally speaking, but dead inside. You quite literally saved me from myself. And I'm terrified, because for the last four months, it's felt like we're just hanging by this thread that's bound to break. And it's like Charles, and now Stalyan showing up here, are the scissors ready to cut that thread right in half."
"Oh, Eugene…" Rapunzel wraps her arms around Eugene's neck, pulling him close, resting his head to her chest. She places her chin on the top of his head, trying her hardest not to cry, as well. "I'm so sorry. I hate that we're in this mess. I hate that we can't be together, like we were. I wish everything could just go back to the way it was."
Eugene sits up quickly, desperate to comfort her, not intending to shift the blame onto her.
"Hey, no. Don't apologize. This is my fault. Stalyan being here, the fight we got into… it's my fault. I mean, I didn't invite her here. I don't want her to be here, believe me. But I was a dick last night, and earlier today. Because I'm scared. I'm scared to lose you. But my past… I have to face it. I have to face the person that I used to be, the person that I was before I met you. Even if it sucks."
"Eugene… I don't hold it against you, the person you used to be. You know that, right?"
"I do know that, Blondie. That's why I ask myself everyday how I got so lucky to be with someone as sweet as you." He sighs deeply, his slight smile fading once more. "But with Stalyan being here, digging up all these memories… I can't help but think… I can't help but think that you would hate me, if you knew everything I've done. All the mistakes I've made."
His expression is so pained, so guilt-ridden, Rapunzel's heart breaks.
"Eugene, stop. I love you." Rapunzel takes his face in her hands. "More than you will ever know. And yes, you aren't the man that you used to be. But we all make mistakes." She shrugs. "Even me. I didn't trust you last night. I didn't take your word for it, that it wasn't what it looked like with Stalyan. I should have, because you've never given me a reason to not trust you before."
"No, Blondie, you had every right to question me and to be angry in that moment. I just don't want you to feel threatened by her, because there's absolutely no reason to. She is not you, which means she could never mean anything to me again. You got that, Princess?"
"Got it." She states with a mock salute, making him chuckle. He leans down to place a kiss on her forehead, smoothing her hair back.
"Are you tired yet?"
"A little." The sleepy princess admits, snuggling against his chest, realizing now just how heavy her eyelids have grown.
"Why don't you get some beauty rest?" Eugene suggests, kissing her gently on the lips, before reaching down to pull the covers over them. "Not that you need it. You always manage to look beautiful."
They each let out a longwinded yawn, situating themselves under the warm blankets together.
"I'll wake you up before the sun starts to come up."
"Okay." She yawns once more, slinging a leg around his waist, pulling him close. "I love you, Eugene."
"I love you, Blondie. More than anything."
AN: Aw. I so loved writing that conversation, and allowing Eugene to show his more vulnerable side. I hope you enjoyed the little bit of fluff to end the chapter, and to end the Stalyan drama. Well, that's kind of a lie – the Stalyan drama is far from over, but at least New Dream won't be fighting one another in her attempts to stir the pot. Speaking of stirring the pot… we haven't heard from our favorite prince (to hate) in a while, have we? I wonder what he's been up to…
This chapter was kind of hard to write, because my baby princess is having such a hard time. She's really struggling, and feels like no one sees it. I think we've all been there before. But I also really loved writing all the lovey dovey stuff, and getting into Rapunzel's head with how she compares Eugene to Charles.
See you in Chapter 13!