The day after Roku's departure from the Fire Nation felt so strange and wrong to Sozin. His friend hadn't been really present in the last weeks, but the fact that he wasn't actually here now was jarring to think about. He was on his way to the Air Temples, and everything had happened so fast.
He felt as if a part of him was lost, which sounded like an extremely stupid thing even to his own ears, but still he couldn't shake off the feeling that he was lost without his best friend.
He just wanted to sit in his room and sulk all day, but of course a Prince had duties.
He had no choice but to go on with his life, and to hope that Roku would actually be able to manage that as well.
...
It had been a week. And Roku's absence was more present than ever. Sozin had actually forgotten how boring it would get in the palace all in his own, and it was so incredibly dull.
Everything in his life seemed to be continuing as usual, only with no fun at all. Even practicing his bending had become a chore without a friend to do it with.
"Focus, Prince Sozin." His firebending master instructed firmly, jerking him away from his thoughts, as he missed the target.
"I am focused." Sozin lied, his voice annoyed. But he groaned in anger as his second ball off fire also missed. "I need a break."
"But we've been practicing only for fifteen minutes. Your father had instructed me tha-"
"Fuck my father!" Sozin snapped, shutting the man up. "I said I need a break!"
His master didn't dare open his mouth once more, averting his eyes from the fuming Prince.
Sozin sighed, walking up and down in the training room, trying to calm himself down. He knew it wasn't the poor man's fault, he was merely following orders that had come from a higher place. Besides, he had no particular problem with his firebending master. He was actually good at his job, only a little boring. He had done nothing to deserve an outburst from Sozin. He was becoming irritable like his father, and he didn't want that.
Maybe he just needed to focus on his training and studies more. That would both take his mind off of Roku's absence, and please his father. Not that the Fire Lord even came to see his son nowadays.
He took a deep breath as he turned to face the target once more, summoning the familiar warmth back to his palms. The flame flickered as he aimed, another deep breath, and throw. He actually hit it this time.
…
A month had passed. The time had started to go by much faster ever since he had figured out what to do. It hadn't even actually felt like a month. He was always busy now, burying himself in history scrolls even after his lessons were over, whenever he was not firebending.
When he would go to bed at night, he would immedietly fall asleep, not having any time to even think about anything. Keeping himself busy kept him away from feeling both his boredom and loneliness.
And he was on top of his every lesson. In fact, he had never been better. His teachers were proud of his progress, even that stupid Shuso, and he had to admit that history was tolarable when he knew what the fuck was going on. Extra reading hours had helped with that.
"And who founded the Dai Li, Prince Sozin, and why?"
"Avatar Kyoshi did. To be able to better protect the heritage of the Earth Kingdom." A nod of approval from the man that rarely approved anything he would say. Earth Kingdom history, boring as it might be, was still something he was ordered to learn, and he was trying harder than he had before.
"What is the Air Nomads' most important philosophy in life?"
"They believe that all life is sacred, and they actively try to refrain from harming any living being. That is why they don't have an official military." Stupid really, how could they possibly defend themselves from their enemies that way? Philosophy lessons were generally the hardest to grasp.
"Very good, Prince Sozin. Seems like you've been studying."
"How was the government of the Fire Nation before the reign of the first Fire Lord?"
"It was called the Fire Islands back then, and they were under the control of the Fire Sages, before the Fire Lord united them under the name of the Fire Nation, and the Fire Sages continued to rule alongside him for some time." The history of his own nation was his favorite out of the four.
"What ancient spirits do waterbenders get their bending from?
"Tui and La, the sun and the moon spirits. They appear in the form of koi fish, and they keep circling each other in balance." The culture of the Water Tribes was not particularly interesting, but he had memorized it anyway.
He would memorize almost anything.
...
A year and Roku was merely a thought in the back of his mind. His not so new routine of studying, training, and then studying again, then finally reading until he fell asleep was comforting. He didn't have to think about how lonely he was.
Such a huge palace, and there was only his father, only barely. He didn't even remember the last time his father was interested in him. The slightest glimpse of pride when he would perform one of the new forms he had learnt in front of him, was as close as it would get.
There had been a great progress in his firebending as well. He had learnt fifteen new forms in the span of a year. He was doing great, excelling at everything he would do.
Nobody realized he had been overstraining himself, not even him. Or maybe he did, but he didn't want to admit it.
He was looking more and more tired each day, there was bags under his eyes, he wasn't as enthusiastic about this whole ordeal as he had been in the beginning. He was so easy to anger, everyday he would snap at more than a handful of maids.
But he had to be perfect. Perfection was addicting, and anything less than that now would only be seen as a disappointment.
Maybe Roku could have seen that coming, he certainly would. He was the only one that paid attention to Sozin's well-being. He would tell his friend to take it easy. But he wasn't there, was he? None of these would have happened if he wasn't the Avatar.
Sozin was practicing his firebending forms that day as usual, as his master watched carefully. They were outside because of the nice weather. But there was something off today, his movements were jerkier, his tone of voice more snappy than usual. He wasn't as precise and quick while performing his bending. The Fire Lord had said that he would come to watch, which was something he had never done on his own, and that was causing Sozin a lot more stress.
He hadn't been able to sleep very well the night before. For the first time in a year, he hadn't immedietly fallen asleep as soon as he closed his eyes, so he had stood awake until the sunrise, reading a scroll about the origins of firebending.
He was regretting that decision very much right now. His eyes were seeing blurry, he had a headache, he was feeling dizzy, and months of build up exhaustion didn't help.
His father stood in front of him, eyes squinted as he observed his son's sloppy movements. He was looking tired and weak as well, but he was better at hiding it than Sozin.
The world started to spin around, as the young Prince lifted one leg up to do a kick in the air, he was starting to see stars in front of him, the corners of his eyes growing black.
"Prince Sozin?!" A worried voice, that was not his father's, rang in his ears as the blackness closed in on him.
The hard ground underneath him being the last thing he felt as he lost conscioussness.
...
He woke up in a room that wasn't his, lying on a bed that didn't belong to him. It took him a few minutes to remember what had happened before, and that he was, in fact, in a room at the hospital wing of the palace. He had passed out, in front of his father.
He quickly closed his eyes again, as he heard the door opening, pretending to still be asleep.
"Tell me what happened to him." The Fire Lord's voice was demanding but quiet, with a hint of worry underneath.
"Nothing serious, my Lord, do not worry." The man, whose voice Sozin recognized as the healer, spoke calmly and soothingly.
"Nothing serious?!" The Fire Lord did so much as to shout without actually raising his voice. "He just fainted out of nowhere in the garden!"
"I-I didn't mean to displease you, my Lord. I just—"
"Look at me." His father cut him off. "Do I look like I could have any more heirs?! You know it better than anyone that I don't have more than few years! He is the only heir to the throne and you dare to be dismissive about his health?!"
Sozin couldn't help but actually feel hurt by the fact that this was the only reason why his father cared about him. He was the only heir to the throne, the only one that would continue his legacy. Not because he actually cared about his well-being...
"Forgive me, Fire Lord..." The man's voice was barely a whisper. "I will make sure that he is taken care of in the best way."
"You better do..." The Fire Lord muttered under his breath. "Tell me, then, what is wrong with him?"
"He is just too exhausted, overstrained from working, and probably from stress... He needs to rest, and just go easy on himself."
"That is all?" His father almost sounded disappointed. "Pathetic."
Sozin heard footsteps, as his father walked towards what he assumed to be the door.
"Should I let you know when he wakes up, my Lord?" The healer asked hesitantly.
"Not necessary." He shut the door behind his back, not caring about if he made too much noise.
The Prince wanted to get up and say something about it, but he knew he shouldn't blow up his cover, his father shouldn't know that he was listening in. His hands formed into fists at his sides as he gripped the sheets angrily. Thankfully, the healer didn't seem to notice, since he didn't hear any comment from him about Sozin being awake.
He forced himself to fall back asleep, if he were to open his eyes and go back to being awake right now, it would be difficult to act like he hadn't heard anything.
...
When he woke up again, there was no one in the room, he didn't know for how long he was asleep, but looking out of the window and seeing that it was getting dark, he assumed that it had been a good couple of hours.
He still felt tired and weak, but he was much better now. He didn't feel like he could pass out at any moment, for a start.
He took a few minutes to observe the room he was in. It was familiar but also stranger to him at the same time. He hadn't been to the hospital wing ever since he was a kid. There hadn't been much change in it over the last few years, the simple and clean looking room was still the same, with a single bed in the middle of it and two chairs next to it. It could have been the least decorated room of the palace, apart from the rooms of the servants and maids. He briefly wondered why they had brought him here, instead of taking him to his room.
But he didn't have much time to think about it as the door slowly opened once more, the healer entering.
"Prince Sozin, you are awake. Good. You had us worried for a moment."
"I am fine..." His voice came out hoarse and not strong as he would have liked, as he sat up un the bed.
"You shouldn't have tired yourself this much, Your Highness, it is not good for anyone."
Sozin didn't respond, he didn't have anything to say. The man was right, and Sozin didn't want to admit that.
"You should take a break from your training and classes for a few days, take some time to rest."
"It is not necessary. I am fine, I won't tire myself out that much." Sozin insisted, he had already seemed weak in front of his father, taking a break from his studies would only reinforce the idea.
"With all due respect, my Prince, it was not a suggestion."
Sozin closed his eyes again, sighing, as he tried to regain his calm. "Fine. I will take a break for the rest of the week." He gave up. Maybe he actually needed this.
"Now is there a reason why you are keeping me here, or can I go to my room?" The Prince's tone was sharp.
"Surely you can. I only kept you here since the guard that carried you decided to bring you here instead of your room." He turned away and walked back towards the door. "I will get someone to help you."
"I am perfectly capable of walking on my own!"
"Of course you are, Your Highness." He muttered, facing the floor. "I had just—"
"Enough! I don't want to hear it." Sozin cut him off once more, getting up angrily from the bed.
He must have stood up too quickly, because the world around him started to spin once again as he had to hold onto the side of the bed in order to not fall. Great.
The Prince lifted up a hand in the healer's general direction to shut him up before he had a chance to say anything at all, closing his eyes for a moment to regain his balance. When he finally thought he did, he opened them again hesitantly, letting go of the bed. He took a few tentative steps, he seemed to be more or less stable.
He reached the door finally, this room being the only place he allowed himself to display any weakness at all. He straightened his shoulders and lifted his head up before he put a hand on the cold handle, opening it determinedly. He left without saying anything at all.
A few guards he saw on the hallway bowed their heads in acknowledgement to their Prince, as he tried to take even and long steps. All he actually wanted to do was to lie down. Thankfully, he managed to reach his room without any further humiliation.
Once he closed the door behind him, he practically threw himself on the bed in a not so princely manner that he was sure his father wouldn't approve, but he couldn't care less at that moment. He couldn't even bother with changing out of his training clothes that he had been wearing.
As he lied there and stared blankly at the high ceiling of his chambers, he let himself think about Roku for the first time in months. Being exhausted had lowered down his defenses.
He wondered how his friend was holding up, did he overwork himself to the point of passing out as well, when he was trying to learn how to bend the other elements? No, Sozin was pretty sure he wouldn't. Roku knew he didn't have to be perfect. He knew his limits. He would much rather take his time and learn things slowly and steadily. And he would be learning a lot of things in his journey, wouldn't he?
It was then that realization hit Sozin. He had lied to himself all this time, saying that he was working so hard just because he didn't want to feel bored or lonely. The truth was, and he could only see it now, that he was feeling lacking. He was afraid that his knowledge and firebending prowess would be inferior to Roku's when he returned.
The logical side of him knew it was stupid, Roku would never taunt him with the new things he had learnt, or rub it in his face. But Sozin was used to being the best for all his life, he was getting the best education anyone in the Fire Nation could, he was the best firebender amongst his peers, he was the most admired person in the nation, aside from the Fire Lord himself. And the idea that someone he knew for almost his entire life taking all these titles no one but himself actually cared about was disturbing him. He needed to be better. He needed to match the skills and knowledge his friend would soon acquire.
What would Roku say if he heard Sozin saying these things? He wouldn't be mad, Sozin didn't think so. Possibly disappointed, but not mad.
"But I still don't know anything. I am as ignorant as I had been when I first left." His clearly wiser friend would say, actually believing that it was the truth, but Sozin would know that it wasn't. Roku had always been humble.
"I am the same Roku as I always had been." But he wouldn't be the same now, would he? Responsibility and duty tended to do that to people, it would change them. He realized he was also worried about his friend not being the same when he returned. Sozin certainly knew that he himself was not the same.
Roku would never stay friends with someone who envied his achievements and skills. In that case, Sozin would never let it show. He would change back again, when his friend came back. He would help Sozin change for the better, he always had.
But maybe it didn't have to come down to that. Sozin himself could change back into his better self on his own, or at least, prevent himself from getting worse.
He would take things easy, like the healer had said, he wouldn't slack off like he used to do, but maybe he could stop busying himself with something from the moment he woke up to the moment he closed his eyes. He could allow himself some free time, a few hours each day. That seemed like an appropriate thing to do.
Now that he was more at ease, and knew where the root of his motivation was, he was able to relax a little. He felt his eyes starting to close, despite having slept for hours.
He was just so tired, he thought that he had managed to hold on well for a year, but this wouldn't do anymore. Being tired and weak contradicted with his goal to be better.
That would have to wait anyway, for he had given himself a week to relax and take things easy.
...
Note: So... I am back after a whole month. I think I am starting to realize that I shouldn't give more promises I can't keep about when my next would be. But I am sincerely hoping to update more frequently.
I wanted this chapter to be about what Sozin was going through and his thoughts during Roku's time away. The next chapter will do the same, but it will be about Roku this time. And then, the chapters will most likely be centered around Sozin until Roku comes back.