CHAPTER 11

"Hello, I'm Dr. Evan Lawrence, Jackson Walker's therapist. You must be Madeleine Casey. We spoke on the phone," he said as he stepped into the entry hall of Rocking Horse. He extended his hand out to me, which I shook firmly. He was a tall, thin man with a balding head and wore little round glasses. He was dressed in khaki pants and a light blue polo shirt and had a relaxed air about him. I knew Jace would be comfortable with his casual look. He held a particular contempt for anyone in a lab coat. I hoped his approach with Jace would be just as casual as his appearance.

"It's nice to meet you, Dr. Lawrence. Please, call me Maddy," I said, closing the door behind him. "Jace is in his office. Shall we?" I asked, showing him the way around the back of the stairs.

"To be honest, I was a little surprised that you called me to set this up. The last time I spoke to Jackson, he had some choice words for me...something about shoving my pad and pen where the sun doesn't shine," he said, looking slightly amused.

"Yeah, that sounds like him, but he's agreed to start up your sessions again, so I'm taking that as a good sign."

"It's definitely a start. He was beginning to make some real progress up until a few weeks ago, then he suddenly stopped. It's like someone flipped a switch," he said.

"I only know as much as I told you on the phone, Dr. Lawrence. Like I told you, Jace and I have a history together and..."

"No need to explain, Maddy. Jackson and I have discussed you at length. I know the entire story between you two," he said. I gave him a conciliatory nod as we approached the door to Jace's office. I knocked lightly on the door.

"Jace? Dr. Lawrence is here. Can we come in?"

"Yeah, come on in," he said. I opened the door to see Jace seated at his desk with his hands folded in front of him. He rose when Dr. Lawrence came into the room behind me.

"Jackson, it's nice to see you again. How have you been?" asked Dr. Lawrence, extending his hand out to Jace. Jace gripped the doctor's hand tightly and shook it vigorously.

"Let's just say that I've been better and leave it at that," said Jace.

"OK, well the important thing is that you've agreed to start talking to me again. What made you change your mind?" asked Dr. Lawrence. Jace pointed a finger at me.

"She's what made me change my mind. She can get me to do just about anything."

"Good, good...perhaps we should get started then," said Dr. Lawrence, taking a seat in front of the desk.

"I'll leave you two alone now. Give me a shout if you need anything," I said, backing out of the room.

"Wait, Cookie. Can she stay, Doc? I'd kinda like her to be here, if it's okay with you," said Jace.

"I see no reason why she shouldn't stay. She's been integral in your therapy thus far. Please," he said, motioning with his hand to sit in the seat next to his. I sat down, feeling a little like a third wheel and a lot like a voyeur. I knew most of what Jackson's issues were, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to hear anything that would catch me off guard or make me feel uncomfortable.

"Catch me up, Jackson. It's been over a month since our last session. Madeleine filled me in a little, but I want to hear the bulk of the story from you," he said. He opened up a leather bound folder that held a pad of paper and pen. He pulled the pen out of its elastic holder and scribbled Jackson's name and the date on the top of the paper.

"So we're just gonna cut to the chase, is that it? Ok, well the short version is that I fell apart right after our last appointment," answered Jace. His face held a tentative look.

"In our last session, things were going quite well for you. You had just come back from Chicago and were in a pretty good place as I recall. You were spending a lot of time with your daughter and were starting to revive the horse ranch."

"That's right. I was in a good place, until I talked to Madeleine on the phone right after our last appointment," he said, making me squirm in my seat.

"May I ask what you discussed during this phone call?"

"Mostly about how things were going really well for me, until…" Jace's voice broke off and he pressed his thumb and forefinger against his eyes. I could feel myself getting choked up. I bit the inside of my bottom lip to keep myself from crying.

"Until what, Jackson?" asked Dr. Lawrence. I swallowed hard, waiting for him to answer.

"Until she told me she was pregnant," he said, without taking his hand away from his face.

"And what was it about that news that upset you?"

"Because it meant that she didn't belong to me anymore…" said Jace, pushing both his fists into his eyes. The tears I had been fighting rolled defiantly down my cheeks. I held onto the arms of the chair, gripping them like a vice, trying not to get up and run from the room. Dr. Lawrence glanced at me. He reached over and touched my hand, as if to reassure me of something. What it was exactly, I wasn't sure.

"But you knew she was married to someone else before you went to Chicago. We discussed it at length before you left."

"Yeah, I know we did, but...see, something happened between Madeleine and me while I was there. Something that made me think that maybe we had a chance."

"What was that?" asked Dr. Lawrence. His eyes went from Jace to me and back to Jace again, waiting for one of us to answer.

"My husband and I split up for a short time while Jace was in Chicago. My son and I stayed with Jace during that time," I said, wiping the tears away from my face.

"I see. How did that make you feel, Jackson?"

"Not as happy as you might think, doc. I was fucking raging at her husband for hurting her like the way he did. He has a history of breaking her heart. It's what happened while she was staying with me that gave me hope that we could be a couple again," said Jace, hanging his head down over the desk. I could tell that he was hurting at the memory of it all.

"What happened?" asked Dr. Lawrence.

"We slept together," I said, answering before Jace had even looked up. "It wasn't planned. It happened because I think we both needed to know that there was someone out there that loved us unconditionally. We just wanted to shut the world out for a while," I said.

"How are either of you feeling about it now? In hindsight, do you think it was a mistake?"

"No, Doc...two people don't touch each other like that and call it a mistake. She made me feel like a man again, something I had been missing since I left for Iraq the second time." Dr. Lawrence turned in his chair to face me.

"And you, Maddy?"

"I don't regret it, if that's what you're asking. It was something we both needed and wanted. My husband's infidelity made me feel undesirable, like I wasn't enough of a woman for him. Jace gave that back to me and I will always be grateful for that," I said, looking at Jace with tears in my eyes. His steely blue eyes locked on mine and for a moment, Dr. Lawrence and the surroundings of the office disappeared. It was as if Jace and I were the only two people in the world and the feeling it gave me was one of inner peace, something I hadn't felt in several months. For a fleeting moment, I was whisked back to my old life with him. All of the things we were both struggling with didn't exist. It was a much simpler time with no uncertainties, no separations, no unfaithfulness and no test of how much we loved each other.

"I'm sure you know that Jackson is still in love with you, but given the circumstances between you two, I have to ask... what are your feelings towards him?"

"I love him, too," I said.

"Like you love your husband?"

"No, it's different than that," I said, suddenly feeling uncomfortable with his line of questioning. "You love this man more, Maddy...admit it…" said my inner voice.

"Does your husband know anything about what happened between you and Jackson?"

"No, he doesn't."

"Does he know you love Jackson?"

He knows I care about him, but that's where it ends. He understands that Jace and I will always have a connection to each other because of Harper."

"After all that's happened, have you accepted the fact that Maddy is with someone else now, Jackson?"

"No, I'll never accept it. All I can do is to try like hell to learn to live with it," said Jace, never taking his eyes off me.

"I've told Jace that the relationship he envisions between us can never happen. He needs to move on from me and what we had."

"Can you do that, Jackson?" asked Dr. Lawrence, turning back in his chair.

"Right now, I can't picture myself loving anyone but Madeleine, but that's part of why you're here, Doc. I just don't think other women would want me. I'm damaged goods."

"Are you referring to your leg?" asked the doctor.

"That and the fact that I can't father any more children." A sob caught in my throat. I wanted to open my mouth and spill my guts, but I knew that would only complicate things further.

"Have you ever considered getting yourself retested, Jackson? Sometimes, these things can be a temporary side effect of trauma. It may have corrected itself over time. Would it make you feel better to know if you were no longer sterile?"

"Maybe, but I still can't see myself with anybody else besides her."

"That's what we have to focus on, Jackson. You're already aware that you can't be with Maddy, so we have to work on getting you past that to a place in your life where you can have a new relationship."

"I'm not sure that's what I want," said Jace, looking directly at me. "I'm not sure that's what Maddy wants either," said my inner voice. In my heart, I knew that him moving on would be the best thing for both of us, but the thought of Jace being with another woman filled me with an emptiness and an unbearable ache. "You can't have it both ways, Maddy…

"I know that letting go of what you and Maddy had is going to be difficult for you, but it'll be a good thing, Jackson. You need to get to a place where you're free to love someone else besides her."

"I'll never be free from loving her, Doc...at least not entirely...she's a part of me...in my blood, my heart and my soul...that's where she'll always be," said Jace. A few tears rolled down his cheeks as he spoke. The way he loved me was overwhelming to me and unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Matt, as much as he loved me, could never be this devoted to me and the stark reality of that hit me like a freight train. I felt as if someone had sucked all the air out of my lungs.

"Excuse me, but I think it's best if I leave to start dinner now," I said just before I bolted from my chair and out of the room. Dr. Lawrence caught up with me at the bottom of the staircase.

"Maddy, wait…"

"I can't do this, Dr. Lawrence. It's not fair to Jace. I knew it would be a mistake to come here, but his family was desperate for help. They couldn't seem to reach him and felt that I could. I was relieved that he let me in, but I think it'll only make things worse in the long run. I can't be the only thing in his life that gives him the strength to get better. I've even told him that," I said, my body shaking with sobs.

"I've been working with him for over a year now. I am very aware of just how much Jackson loves you. Every session I've ever had with him has been full of you, even more than the time he spent with his captors in Iraq. You may think your coming here to help him was a bad idea, but it wasn't. He needs to know you care about him and aren't just going to abandon him again."

"Is that what he thinks? That I abandoned him?" I shouted, feeling angry at the assumption.

"He knows the circumstances, but in his mind, yes...you abandoned your life together."

"But I was told he was dead and that our daughter had died at birth! I tried to kill myself, for Christ's sake! I didn't have the choice to stay in Texas because my parents dragged me back to Chicago where I spent the next six months in a mental hospital, getting the memories of him burned out of my head! It was the only way I could move on with my life!"

"I know that and so does he, but the love that that man in there has for you is like nothing I've ever witnessed before. He's broken without you. You are vital to his very existence, at least right now!"

"But I don't want that kind of responsibility, Dr. Lawrence. I'm married to someone else now and have another life. My feelings for Jace and his feelings for me will never change that," I said.

"You said in there that you love Jackson. Can you tell me more about that, because the way you were looking at him just now tells me that you…"

"He's the one in therapy, Dr. Lawrence...not me!" I shouted, interrupting him on purpose. "You should be talking to him about why he can't let me go instead of what you think I want." He let go of my arms and placed his hands on his hips. He took a deep breath in and let it out in one long exasperated sigh.

"You're right, of course...but every road I've ever taken with Jackson always leads back to you, so I have to ask you...is your relationship with your husband back to normal now?"

"No and it may never be normal again. At least not until I can get the images of him and the woman he had the affair with out of my head. It's tentative at best, but Matt is trying his hardest to make it up to me, which makes me feel incredibly guilty."

"Because you and Jackson were also intimate and your husband doesn't know," he said, matter of factly. I nodded my head.

"Matt thought Jace and I were having an affair, which led him to his indiscretion. I found him in bed with his ex-wife. I ran straight to Jace, which in hindsight, was a stupid thing to do. I didn't know where else to go and Jace was there for me the first time that Matt hurt me."

"That was a few years before you first met Jackson in Mexico, wasn't it?" I nodded my head. "Well, this has definitely gotten more complicated than it was before he left for Chicago. I warned him not to go."

"Which is why you need to get back in there and talk to him. Otherwise, he's liable to bumrush the both of us any minute."

"Right...and no one wants to give that big cowboy in there any reason to get riled up...least of all me."

"Thank you for allowing me to be in there with the two of you. It meant a lot to him, I'm sure."

"No need to thank me, Maddy. As I've already said, you're vital to him. It only makes good sense for you to be a part of his recovery process." With that, he turned on his heels and walked back towards Jace's office. I told myself there and then that this would be the last time I was in a session with them. If Jace ever picked up on Dr. Lawrence's instincts about me and what I really wanted, he'd pull out all the stops in order to achieve it and I'd be powerless to stop it.

While Jace and Dr. Lawrence continued their session, I busied myself with getting dinner ready. I was relaxing on the back porch with my feet up, sipping a glass of sweet tea and looking out at the expansive meadow behind the house. It seemed as though everything here ran at half speed. The horses grazed in a slow, unrushed way. Even the birds seemed to fly languidly from tree top to fence posts or wherever they chose to land. It was a stark contrast to the hustle and bustle of Chicago. Everyone there was always in a big hurry. The pace of a big city had attracted me when I was younger, but now that I was a mother, I saw the value in a much simpler life and a slower way of living it. Raising children was a responsibility that I would never take lightly. I vowed that I would always do what was best for them regardless of what it meant I would have to give up. Most importantly, I would show them unconditional love every minute of every day, the way my father had shown me. I suddenly heard Jace's voice call out to me, breaking the reverie I was in.

"Baby, where are you?"

"Out here," I yelled back. He stepped down out of the kitchen and onto the porch. He stepped over my legs and sat down next to me on the couch.

"Are you okay, Cook? You looked a little pale when you ran out of the office," he asked. His blue eyes seemed even more intimidating than usual. He took my hand in his and held it gently in his lap. Even the simplest touch from him sent a shockwave through me.

"Yeah, I'm okay. I just got a little overheated. I'm fine now," I said. He lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed the back of it, sending another shockwave throughout my body. "How do you think it went?" I said, referring to his talk with Dr. Lawrence.

"I think it went well. It felt good to talk about things...get them out in the open again," he said.

"He seems like a good doctor. My instincts tell me you should trust him."

"I do, Cook...it's just hard for me to hear certain things he says to me." I knew he was referring to us and the future of our relationship.

"Are you hungry? Dinner is ready anytime you are," I said, changing the subject. I swung my legs off of the coffee table and got up from the couch. Jace grabbed my hand.

"Did it make you uncomfortable being in there with me today? Tell me the truth, Cook," he asked.

"A little, I guess."

"Why, baby?" I shrugged my shoulders, unwilling to pinpoint exactly why it was difficult for me to be there.

"Give me just one reason." His blue eyes were burning like distant headlights cutting through the dusk of the evening, driving deep into my soul. I wanted to tell him it was because I loved him deeply and had the power to stop all of his emotional pain. I wanted so badly to straddle his long legs, sit on his lap and have him kiss me until I could no longer breathe. I wanted to feel his lips on mine and his hands caressing my body. I wanted to feel him inside me, possessing me, loving me like no one else ever had or ever would.

"I don't like to see you in pain, cowboy...especially pain that I'm at the root of," I said, stroking his face with my fingertips. He clasped my hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing the palm of it again. "Come on...let's eat.," I said, pulling my hand away. The less he touched me, the safer I was from drifting back to him and the life we had. I had to resist it for Matt and for Finn...but mostly for myself. I couldn't afford to romanticize Jace anymore than I already had or I would lose myself in him for good.