12

Sirius and Remus were walking from one class to the next one.

"I think we really nailed it last night!" said Sirius.

"Then we must have been very hammered."

"We were totally hammered, and we nailed it!"

"Waywaywait."

"What?"

"Who nailed who?"

"Who nailed who?"

"You said there was screwing!"

"Screwing? I've said no such thing you twisted, little beast! We NAILED it!"

"Well what's the difference?"

"What's the difference? We nailed it. We scared Prongs shitless, I am sure of it!"

"You mean he nailed it."

"We nailed it. We got rid of Casilda just in the nick of time. That was a very bright idea you had, about putting a ghost warding tamulet in his pants."

"That was nearly as bright as what you put in his pants."

"I needed a torch to see, because it was hard to find."

"What was hard to find?"

"The thing, I was trying to find. You know, I bet Bigfoot is actually Smallfoot, if he exists at all."

"The second thing you put in his pants, that was possibly the opposite of bright."

"At the time you said it was genius. We did it! We must have cured his hiccups! Why hasn't he showed up today?"

"Or, maybe we actually screwed."

"Well so what?"

"Screwed it. Screwed it? Screwed up! What if we screwed up? Maybe there was something wrong with with the tamulet I put in his pants?"

"We didn't screw up! We sent Casilda back where she came from! And by that I mean the ghost realm!"

"Maybe we only thought we saw that. What if we were too late and she actually... achieved her end..."

"Maybe he achieved her end!"

"She could be achieving your end next!"
"Your tamulet weakened her! Prongs was sleeping when we turned up. There she was. We gave her a healthy dose of Whoyagonnacall? The rift to limbo swallowed her. But I've known you for so long now, that I understand, that delusional neurotic paranoia is what helps you sleep at night."

"And dirty innuendo and jokes is how you cope with dangerous things."

"I bet you would have liked to cope with her dangerous thing."

x

x

x

James had been crying in front of the tv all day. He was crushed, broken. Life, meaningless. He was but a mere shadow of himself. And to make matters worse, he couldn't find his invisible cloth anywhere. His life was over.

It was at this state, that Sirius and Remus found him. With puffy red eyes and a mouth full of Tim & Larry's ice cream.

"Hey MASH is on!" said Sirius.

James saw them both.

"Oh no!"

"Why do you say that?"

"I don't want you to see me like this!"

He spooned some ice cream into his mout.

"Are you eating Life on Mars Bar?"

"I can't even tell you what happened, because you'll just laugh!"

"Look, if you think you're willy is gone-"

"My willy, my invisible cloth and it feels like I have ten silky pillow cases in my pants. That is not how I imagined it would feel like, to have one's willy chomped off."

He put his hand down his pants, found a bracelet of wooden beads with strange symbols, and tossed it aside.

"You warned me. But I didn't listen. At least I got it, while I still could. On the bright side, it doesn't hurt one bit. It's like, there's this hole, where my willy used to be. And if I look between my legs..," He began to shake and cry, "I can't see any ass wang!"
"Casilda didn't take your ass wang! You just have invisible cloth in your pants!"

"Ohh if ONLY I could believe that! You know how people who lose an arm or whatever, still feel like they still have that arm? That's how I feel. I was watching Charlie's Angels before and for a moment it really felt like, it was still there."

James put his hand down his pants again, took out a silky nothing to dry his tears with.

"Wait a tick."

He pulled out more nothing, to blow his nose in. When he thought he had pulled out everything there was to be pulled out, he pulled it out, and saw that it wasn't gone after all.

"Wahey! It's a miracle!" He glared sourly at Sirius and Remus. "You put me up to this!"
"We were trying to scare you," said Remus. "How's your hiccups now?"

Hiccup. "Never better."

"Oh you can't be serious!"
"Look, guys. I appreciate you care and want to help me. But I just can not be frightened. I am simply fearless."

"You were frightened!" said Sirius.

Hiccup. "Well why don't you tell that to my hiccups?" Hiccup.

"Maybe it's just another old wives tale," said Remus.

"How can it have gone on for this long?" Sirius asked.

It probably was time to let Pomfrey take a look at it.

x

x

x

So James agreed to let Pomfrey take a look at it.

"I don't see anything," said Pomfrey.

"Me neither," said Sirius.

"So it looks fine, then?" James asked.

"Yes," said Pomfrey. "However, you've had the hiccups for a while now, haven't you?"

"Yeah for ages."

"Hm. I better put you through some other tests. You can pull your pants back up."
Pomfrey ran her beep-beep-beep wand over James's body.

"Well there doesn't appear to be anything medically wrong with you."

"Doctor Pomfrey?"

"What?"

"Can you catch... things... from ghosts?"

Pomfrey's face darkened.

"You certainly can!"
"What, even with protection?"

"There is only one type of protection, that can protect you, from catching someting from a ghost!"

"What's that?"

"NOT GETTING WITH A GHOST! Bloody boomers don't know what responsibility is! Ok I'm going to prescribe you some anti-hiccups potion. If that doesn't work you better ask yourself if you have enemies."

"Why?"

"Because before we put you through a more expensive examination procedure we have to rule out that somebody isn't playing some practical joke on you with a voody doll! Take this potion. Now good day."

She ushered them out of her examination room. James pulled his pants back up.

It was a Saturday and the chaps decided to go to the games room to play snooker.

"I wonder which one of your many enemies is playing this trick on you," said Sirius.

"Is it you, Padfoot?"

"I'm not your enemy!"

"Is it you?"

"It's not me."

"I ask you because I don't know who else would think to play this trick on me. I don't really have enemies."

"You don't have enemies?"

"Well, except for, you know!"
"Yes. Mortdecai Moran, right?"

"Mortdecai Moran, Slytherin quidditch half-wit. But apart from him, I just don't have any enemies. Well, except for the obvious one, of course."

"Yes. Who's the obvious one?"

"Every other Slytherin quidditch half-wit, 'course! But apart from all of them..."

"I THINK you are forgetting someone."

"Who?"

"Every Slytherin ever. I think every single one of them is probably your mortal enemy."
"I wouldn't call them my mortal enemies. I just find them all icky. I feel the same way about spiders. I thought we were looking for somebody with an intellectual capacity above that of an insect."

"A spider isn't an insect, phnegh, phnegh,"

"Don't be like one of them, please."

"Sorry I just thought you'd find it interesting."

"You bloody did not think that."

"Ok I didn't."

"It really could be any one of them where I'm concerned. They are all so jealous of my triumphs and good physique and way with the ladies. The only one I could rule out is your little brother. I just don't think he has it in him."

"The intellectual capacity of an insect?"

"No, malice."

"He probably has the intellectual capacity of a blue tit."
"Oh I just don't know. Finding a Slytherin with higher intelligence than an insect, it's like looking for a drop of water in a hot sandy desert.

"Don't say that, you'll only attract Fletcher."

"Hey guys!" said Fletcher.

"Fork off."

"Bye guys!"

So Pomfrey was of the belief, that somebody was using a voody doll to humiliate James. But just WHO would want to do such a thing to him?