Kylo Ren hovered between a meditative state and wakefulness, anxiety pulling him away from the trance he was attempting to attain. He still hadn't heard from Snoke. This boded very, very ill for him. As soon as he returned from this place, he'd have a lot of investigating to do, to see just how far he'd fallen in Snoke's estimation and why. Fucking Phasma. She was part of it, for sure. But Kylo Ren had a sinking feeling that it hadn't been Phasma alone. He'd been distracted lately. And Hux was undercutting him, he was sure of it. Damage control. He had to reclaim his place at Snoke's side before it was lost forever. But first, he had to take advantage of the physical distance he currently had from the Supreme Leader.
Focus, he told himself firmly, trying to settle his jumpy thoughts. Sleep had become an increasing stranger to him, which made it even more difficult to enter an actual trance state. His body kept trying to fall asleep, which he couldn't afford to do at the moment. Of course, when he actually went to sleep, he might succeed for a bit, but a few hours later would inevitably awaken and then toss and turn until eventually giving up altogether.
When at last he managed a halfway decent state of meditation, he sent out the questing tendril of Force and settled in to a good, long wait. He didn't expect that it would be noticed for awhile, so he turned his thoughts to what he'd say and tactics to keep his energy tightly restrained. He was so focused on this that he almost missed the flitting shadow of a presence lurking near the connection to Rey's mind. Even as he noticed her, he felt her turn away.
Wait.
He listened to the problem she was having with her training and dedicated a certain amount of energy towards anger at Luke's inability to effectively teach a willing student. He helped her as best he could, but when he felt the tendril of Force he'd sent out finally snag the attention of the person he was seeking, he shut down his connection with Rey as tightly as he could. It wouldn't do to have it be known that he regularly spent time in her company.
He inhaled a long, centering breath, then opened up a connection hidden deep, deep in the back of his mind, releasing himself from the layers of thought-avoidance he'd arranged to protect this, the only secret he had worth keeping at any cost.
Leia was waiting for him, impatience seeping from her calm exterior. Since it was safer on her end of things, Kylo Ren joined her on the other side of the barrier between their minds.
General, he said, inclining his head. Leia snorted and shook her head slowly.
It's been awhile since you communicated directly with me, she noted.
And it's been longer since you reached out to me, Kylo Ren replied, stung. But she nodded, accepting that fact, and his hackles lowered once more.
What news do you have for me? she asked.
You have a spy in your ranks, he replied.
Yes, I've assumed that, she said. Kylo Ren fought the rise of irritation within him. It was likely a by-product of the persona he put on every day.
They gave me one piece of information, he said, watching her carefully. 'Ach-To.'"
Her expression flickered, and he took some satisfaction from her surprise. Apparently, this spy was fairly high up the food chain.
How interesting, she mused. I'll look into that. Do you have anything else?
Kylo Ren stifled a sigh. No matter what he brought to her, Leia always absorbed it with her usual disciplined restraint. It had made all of these years just a bit harder to bear, that no matter what piece of shocking intel he risked his own safety to obtain for her, she never reacted to it as he thought she should. Though of course, that was the trademark of a great leader, too: never show your hand.
Not even to your son.
Snoke is starting to put distance between us, Kylo Ren admitted, as much as it shamed him to admit to her. I'm on some mission right now, but I suspect it's more to keep me away than it is to accomplish anything for the First Order.
You must repair that gap, Leia gently admonished. Otherwise, all of this would have been for nothing.
Kylo Ren bristled, but caught himself. Of course she didn't mean that all of this subterfuge was worthless. There was something brewing on the horizon, and he needed to be at Snoke's right hand in order to fulfill his role as informant to prevent truly catastrophic fallout. However, he couldn't deny it hurt to hear his mother inadvertently dismiss his sacrifices thus far.
Not for nothing, he said. I've given you plenty of information that has helped your cause.
Our cause, she corrected sharply. Kylo Ren inclined his head.
Of course.
Her expression softened, and she stepped forward, closing the gap between them, and reached up to cup his chin in her hand. He'd forgotten how small she was. However, that core of strength within her burned just as brightly as it had decades ago. He thought back to the day she'd taken him from his Jedi training, Luke standing silently nearby, and suggested that perhaps the darkness Luke had sensed within him could be put to use for the Resistance.
You don't look good, Ben, Leia noted, her critical gaze sweeping over him. You're having nightmares again?
Nothing I can't handle, he said, taking a half-step back away from her touch. He wished for his mask again, to hide his expression away from her sharp eyes. But to don it now would be an admission of weakness.
You know you can always come home, she said. Kylo Ren knew it was a lie. If he came home, everything he'd worked towards for years really would have been for nothing. He had been given a mission, and he would complete it. He'd given up too much—and had sunk too far into his adopted persona, farther than even Leia knew—to turn back now.
I know, he said. He felt her hesitate.
Ben, I have to ask you…what is your connection to Rey?
Distantly, back in his physical body, Kylo Ren felt his pulse speed up.
She helped me survive when I crashed into Jakku, he said. Could she sense that he'd just spoken to Rey? What did Rey tell her, exactly? He knew that he should have tried to get more information about Rey's conversations with the general, but he also knew that to pry too much would be to raise Rey's suspicions about Kylo Ren's true role within the Resistance. He couldn't risk that, no matter how oddly tempting the thought had become.
There's more, isn't there? Leia prodded. Kylo Ren shook his head, filling his mind with only mildly positive regard towards Rey. It was a tactic that he'd used to great effect on Snoke.
Not really. We had a falling-out when she realized who I was within the First Order. It's for the best, of course. Your shiny new Jedi can't be fraternizing with the evil Kylo Ren, after all. He didn't mean for the bitterness to imbue his tone, but he could tell by Leia's frown that she'd heard it plainly.
You need to stay away from her, Leia said. Rey is undergoing her training now with Luke. She is an extremely important part of my plans. Leia closed the gap between them once more, taking his hand. Kylo Ren resisted the powerful wave of longing that assailed him at his mother's gentle touch. This was the weak part of him—the part that wished he could shed his persona and fill a role that required no mental anguish, no constant danger, no rejection of the things he had begun to want with increasing intensity. He was so deeply tired of fighting this fight. But he was equally determined to see this through to the end. Leia was right; if he gave up now, it truly would have been for nothing.
I will stay away from her, he said. A lie. He didn't think he had that kind of willpower any longer. Not when all other human connections had been carved away from him, one by one. But he could at least try to limit those interactions. Maybe she'd lose interest and make it easier for him.
Leia didn't seem to notice that he'd lied, which told him he'd gotten very good at it.
Excellent. Do you have anything else to report?
Kylo Ren hesitated.
Yes, actually. When I was meditating, I saw…something.
How specific, Leia replied dryly.
It was something that frightened me, Kylo Ren said, cutting through his mother's amusement. It was a spot of…of nothingness.
Leia's expression changed.
Show me, she said. Kylo Ren shared the image of the patch of nothing among the stars, a blot that couldn't even be described as darkness. Leia blinked, frowning.
Strange…I'll talk to Luke about it. But you shouldn't worry about that. Keep your focus on your mission. You're doing important work.
Kylo Ren felt as though that piece of news deserved more of a reaction, but then again, his mother was never one to show what she was truly feeling. Not since the leadership of the Resistance had fallen upon her shoulders.
Thank you, he replied.
Leia released his hand and reached up to his face. He begrudgingly dipped forward, and she kissed his forehead.
Stay safe, Ben, she said. And take care of yourself.
Kylo Ren felt another flare of irritation. How was he supposed to take care of himself while serving the Supreme Leader? But he knew the order was lovingly meant. He nodded.
You too, he said, and returned to his own mind. He took some time disguising the connection so that it would be very difficult for even Snoke to see, then returned to his meditation.
But the exchange had unsettled him. He emerged to full wakefulness, restlessness filling his body, even as he suppressed the usual heart-sickness that followed these exchanges with his mother. He'd spent many hours raging at her, particularly during the worst times in the very beginning. But he'd always stayed true to his orders, and as he'd grown older, he'd also gained a different perspective on his agreement to serve the Resistance. He'd made his peace with the fact that his service would make him a significant part of the intelligence efforts but would also make him possibly the most hated person among those he fought beside. No one could know the secret. He suspected that even his father didn't understand what he was doing, though he'd strangely never asked his mother about that. Part of him couldn't bear the thought that Han might know what his son had been truly working towards all of these years and yet had never reached out to him in any way. Luke, of course, knew full well of Kylo Ren's mission. It had, after all, been his idea. But that connection had remained tightly sealed all of these years, and Kylo Ren could say with complete certainty that he had never been tempted to utilize it.
Well. He'd given Leia all of the truly valuable information he had. What she chose to do with it was out of his hands. He reached for his helmet and settled it firmly over his head, lessening the feeling of exposure to Leia's judgement that still lingered from the Force-meeting. But as he strode through the door, he tried and failed to extinguish the tiny, perplexing spark of anger that always burned most brightly after his meetings with the General.