"Look, Harley's made a little landing target for me in the shape of my face!" exclaimed Joker, pointing down to the island where he saw the mosaic. "She's cleverer than I give her credit for sometimes – how did she know I'd be parachuting out of a plane and need a mark to aim for?"
"I am not aiming for your face," retorted Two-Face. "I am aiming for the water like a sane person."
"Agreed," said Bruce. "If something goes wrong with the parachute, I'd rather drop into the ocean where I might not die."
"Why would anything go wrong with the parachute?" asked Joker, turning to him suspiciously. "What have you done to the parachutes, Brucie?"
"Nothing, but manufacturing glitches can sometimes happen," replied Bruce.
"Yep, and that's half the fun of parachuting!" exclaimed Joker. "Playing Russian roulette with your life! Gee, I hope my parachute is defective – imagine me crashing face-first into my face! What a hilarious image!"
"Except not for you, because you'd be dead," retorted Two-Face.
"I'm betting I wouldn't," said Joker. "It's gonna take a lot more than a fall from a plane to kill me, trust me. Anyway, no one lives forever, except possibly me. So let's go!" he shouted, leaping out of the plane. "Geronimo!"
"Dammit, the parachute worked," muttered Two-Face, watching Joker fall.
"Sad news for us all," sighed Crane.
"Remember, keep this thing on autopilot," said Bruce, turning to him and Tetch in the pilots' chairs. "I don't want to have to replace another million dollar jet because you guys crash it. It's not that I can't afford to – it's just the insurance claims are so much boring paperwork," he sighed.
"We wouldn't want to risk our lives by not being careful, let alone your paperwork, Mr. Wayne," retorted Tetch. "But thank you. Good luck, and I certainly hope your parachute isn't defective," he said insincerely.
"Fingers crossed mine isn't too," said Two-Face. He gestured to the door. "After you, Bruce."
"Beauty before age, I guess," said Bruce, grinning at him and then jumping. Two-Face grinned too, following him.
Fortunately for them, both their parachutes worked, and they landed in the ocean not far from each other or the shore. Joker, however, had landed right where he was aiming – the center of his face. Which unfortunately for him was made of sharpened, serrated shells. His scream was heard all the way back in the plane, which made Crane smile.
"Puddin', are you ok?" cried Harley, racing over to help Joker out of the shells. "I'm sorry – I didn't know you were coming! The trap wasn't meant for you…"
"Then why did you make it in the shape of my face?!" exclaimed Joker. "You knew I couldn't resist that!"
"It was to piss off Red so she'd attack it!" retorted Harley. "Which worked, by the way."
"Where is she?" demanded Joker, shoving Harley aside and looking around for Ivy.
"I told her to run and hide while I tried to talk some sense into you, so maybe this could all still be resolved without violence…" began Harley.
"Ok, first of all, nothing is ever resolved without violence, and it's a horrible idea to think that anything can be!" interrupted Joker. "And second of all, I think she deserves to be roundly tortured and slowly murdered for kidnapping you, don't you?"
"Mr. J, you don't understand, we've talked everything out…" began Harley.
"Talked everything out?" repeated Joker, rounding on her. "You talked her outta kidnapping you, huh?!"
"Yeah," said Harley, nodding. "Using my shrink power. I got to the root of her problem with us, and we reached a kinda resolution. Turns out her overriding hatred of us stems from seeing me as her, and you as Jason Woodrue, the guy who abandoned her after turning her part-plant. All of her rage at us was actually directed at her and him, and now that she's realized this, I think she'll calm down a little. I mean, she'll always hate you, but I think she's come to accept that her problems are her own, and not to interfere in our life…"
"Or she's just said that to avoid being killed!" interrupted Joker. "People will say anything when their lives are on the line, trust me! I've made people say that Aquaman is their favorite superhero, and nobody would say something so obviously preposterous if the alternative weren't death! That pushy plant knows she's gone too far this time, and now she's trying to furiously backpedal! Well, that doesn't work with me – I don't forgive people for anything!"
"But if I have, puddin', why can't you?" asked Harley. "I'm the one who was actually kidnapped, don't forget."
"Yeah, you were kidnapped, and you're my property!" snapped Joker. "So your kidnapping is actually a crime against me! And you're carrying my baby, so that's a double kidnapping of my property, and a double crime! Plus I'm in a lotta pain right now, and I'm gonna take it out on someone, and since it can't be you because of the baby, it's gonna be the plant!" he shouted, racing off toward the jungle.
Harley sighed. "Well, I tried," she said, shrugging as she headed after him.
"Harvey, c'mon!" called Bruce, as he trudged through the water toward shore. "We're gonna lose 'em!"
"Gimme a second – some of us aren't used to wading quickly through water!" snapped Two-Face. "Must be all those pool parties you go to, huh?"
"Yeah," said Bruce, nodding. "Gotta move fast if you wanna catch the pretty girl jumping in after you. Though sometimes it's better if you don't catch her, so she can get drenched."
"Better not let Pammie hear you talking about women like that," said Two-Face.
"I really think she has bigger problems right now," retorted Bruce, as they hurried over the beach and into the jungle.
"Planty!" called a familiar voice. "Planty! Come out, come out, wherever you are! Daddy J is in the mood for some slash and burn gardening, and he's brought the weed killer!"
"That's frightening, but not for the reasons it should be," commented Bruce.
They were suddenly seized around the waist by two large vines, which lifted them up and dragged them into the undergrowth. "Both of you shut up, and don't scream!" hissed Ivy, hastily applying some lipstick as they were dragged before her. "I'm gonna kiss you with my mind-control lipstick, and you are going to fight Joker to protect me!"
"Ok, but we were gonna do that anyway," said Two-Face. "Or at least, I was. Not that I object to being kissed by you, Pam, but it's just kinda redundant in my case."
"Harvey, just let me have this!" snapped Ivy. "If you come to rescue me, that gives you the power and makes me a damsel in distress. But if I mind-control you into helping me, that gives me the power! The result is the same, but one makes me feel better, so just shut up and let me kiss you!"
Two-Face shrugged. "Whatever you want, Pam."
"You don't see me objecting to being kissed by a pretty girl," said Bruce, even though he knew Ivy's mind-control lipstick didn't work on him – Batman had established an immunity to that a long time ago.
"Wait, is that Bruce Wayne?" asked Ivy, puzzled. "What is he even doing here?"
"It's kinda a long story," replied Two-Face. "But I'm betting you won't object to kissing him."
"No, and maybe I can mind-control him into respecting women more," agreed Ivy. "It's just really shocking the stuff you read in the papers, gallivanting about with women who are far too young for him."
"Pam, did you really learn nothing from this experience?" sighed Two-Face. "Leave people to mind their own romantic affairs, and concentrate on your own."
"I'm not taking advice from a man," retorted Ivy, kissing him. "But Harley did say the same thing," she added, kissing Bruce.
"Just promise me you'll mind-control Bruce to safety if things get outta hand," said Two-Face. "He's my best friend, and I don't want him dying because you forced him into trying to kill a guy he's hopelessly outmatched by."
"Don't talk back to me!" she snapped. "Just get out there and kill Joker!"
"Ok," sighed Two-Face. "Just try and follow my lead, Bruce, if your mind is still your own enough to hear me."
Bruce nodded, wondering how brainwashed he should act in the circumstances. Obviously he didn't want to put himself in real danger, but nor did he want Ivy to think her lipstick had no effect on him, which might get her to wonder why that was, which might lead to the Batman connection.
He didn't have much time to wonder, because a shot suddenly rang over his head. "You two losers – get out of my way! You're blocking my line of fire!" snapped Joker, emerging into the clearing.
"J, you're not killing Ivy!" shouted Two-Face, leaping in front of her.
"The hell I'm not!" retorted Joker. "She thinks she can just steal from me and get away with it?! Nobody steals from the Joker and gets away with it!"
"Of course this is about stealing for you!" snapped Ivy. "You only see Harley and the baby as objects you own, not as real people worthy of respect!"
"Says the woman who kidnapped 'em!" snapped Joker. "Where was your respect there?!"
"Yeah, see, you're both guilty of the same wrongs here," said Harley, who, due to her pregnancy weight, had just now caught up with Joker. "As I said, you're more alike than you think, but why don't you both just respect me for once and listen…"
"Shut up, Harley!" they both shouted simultaneously.
"Harvey, Bruce, get him!" commanded Ivy.
"I know you're both mind-controlled, but don't think I won't kill you anyway!" said Joker, raising his gun. "Trust me, you two are no loss to the world at large! Saving Gotham from a second-rate supervillain and a useless playboy parasite will actually be an act of heroism on my part!"
Bruce discreetly reached down for a rock, while Two-Face charged toward Joker. Before Joker could fire, Bruce threw the rock at his hand, knocking the gun from it.
"Good work, Bruce - now Harvey, kill him!" ordered Ivy.
Two-Face rushed to obey her, trying to grab the gun Joker had dropped, but Harley beat him to it, kicking him in the head. "I don't want anymore violence!" she shrieked. "I don't like anyone being violent toward Mr. J but me! We are going to resolve this without conflict, using our brains!"
"Brains are for nerds, and I ain't a nerd!" snapped Joker, grabbing the knife from his belt. He aimed the knife at Ivy and threw it, but Bruce instinctively leaped in front of her, catching it with his hands. Ordinarily, he would have been wearing thick gloves as Batman, so this would have been an impressive stunt. But catching a knife with his bare hands was a very different story. He cried out, dropping the blade and cradling his bleeding hands.
"See, what did I tell you, Pam?" demanded Two-Face, kneeling down next to Bruce. "He was bound to get hurt! He's not used to this kinda stuff like we are, although catching that knife was pretty impressive…"
"I don't care if some womanizing idiot gets hurt!" snapped Ivy.
"He's my friend, and if you respected me at all, you'd respect not hurting him!" snapped Two-Face.
"See, that's what I tried to tell her about me and Mr. J," said Harley. "Seriously, Red, this is all projection for your own issues, and if you don't learn to control that, you're going to lose all the good relationships you have in your life. Just give people the space to be human."
"I hate humans!" shouted Ivy.
"Because you hate that part of yourself," agreed Harley, nodding. "You want to stamp out that perceived weakness, but you can't, Red. We're all connected, and we need each other. Human beings need each other, as flawed and horrible as we all are. People need friends, lovers, children, and we need to be able to make our own decisions about those. You don't think Mr. J is a good father to my baby, or that Bruce is a good friend to Harvey, but these things aren't really your call. And worse, I think you're looking for perfection where perfection just isn't possible. Yeah, Mr. J ain't perfect…"
"Says who?" demanded Joker.
"Mr. J ain't perfect in your eyes," finished Harley. "But he is in mine. That's love. Not necessarily blinding ourselves to the flaws, but accepting them, and accepting that this person, with all their flaws, means more to you than anyone else ever could. You have to stop thinking you can force everyone into being perfect, and learn to forgive people for their mistakes. You too, Mr. J," she added.
"I am perfect, and I don't make mistakes!" Joker snapped, reaching into his pocket for a bag of marbles. "But this is the last one the weed will ever make!"
He tossed the marbles at Ivy, who jumped out of the way just in time to avoid being blown up as they exploded. Her plants, however, weren't so lucky.
"Babies!" shrieked Ivy. "I'll kill you!" she screamed, leaping at Joker. Bruce, despite the pain, managed to stick out a leg to trip her up, and she went flying.
"You're meant to be mind-controlled to help me!" she shrieked, rounding on him as she struggled to pick herself up.
"No, I'm mind-controlled to kill Joker," said Bruce. "Can't do that if you kill him, now can I? I'm only following orders."
"That's what you get for mind-controlling people!" snapped Joker, reaching into his jacket and pulling out some playing cards. "It's no fun, and it always blows up in your face. And speaking of things that blow up in your face…" he added, tossing the playing cards at Ivy. She dodged out of the way, but the cards exploded on impact, adding to the smoke, fire, and general chaos.
"J, you'll kill us all!" snapped Two-Face, who had helped Bruce to his feet. "Just stop it and calm down!"
"Never!" shouted Joker. "She's dying now, along with all her little plant babies! That'll teach her to mess with mine!"
He seized the dropped gun, and began firing at Ivy. Fortunately for her, the smoke was interfering with his aim, and everything else. Ivy fled toward the beach, and Joker followed, trying to get a clear shot at her in the clear air. Harley raced after them both, an idea forming in her head.
"C'mon," growled Two-Face, supporting Bruce on his arm as they hurried away from the blazing jungle. They reached the beach, where Joker was firing at Ivy, who was hiding behind some rocks. There were no plants surrounding her, and she was pinned down.
"I don't see how she's getting out of this one," muttered Two-Face.
Bruce hissed in pain as he reached for something in his pocket and pressed a button…
"How do you suppose it's going down there?" asked Crane, peering down on the island from the cockpit.
"Not very well, judging by the conflagration," commented Tetch, glancing up briefly and then returning his attention to the screen in front of him.
"Jervis, are you sure poking around the plane's computer system is such a good idea?" asked Crane. "It's a very long way down."
"I doubt there will be a command on it that crashes the jet – what sort of nonsensical option would that be?" asked Tetch. "I am merely trying to ascertain how deep this Batman fantasy goes. It really is just deceitful and wrong on so many levels, but it seems to be deeply embedded. Look at that," he said, pointing at a Bat symbol which suddenly appeared on the screen. "I've opened some sort of replica Batcomputer."
"It is an elaborate deception," agreed Crane. "I just can't imagine Mr. Wayne is actually that desperate to get women – he's always off with some floozy or other judging by the papers."
"Maybe pretending to be Batman is why he's so successful with the opposite sex – I can't see anything else attractive about him, besides money, of course," agreed Tetch. "But it is hard to believe women can be so superficial."
"Not really – it explains why we're never successful with them anyhow," sighed Crane.
"Look, he's actually gone through the effort of typing up fake dossiers on all of us, and they're surprisingly accurate…" said Tetch, skimming through his.
"Jervis, I'm really not comfortable with you prying like this," said Crane. "What if you accidentally set off something?"
"Like what?" asked Tetch.
At that moment, Bruce pressed the button down below, and a red light clicked on in the control panel. "Now what do you suppose that means?" asked Tetch.
He found out imminently – the plane suddenly dived bombed straight down. Both he and Crane screamed, clinging onto their chairs for dear life, as the plane suddenly straightened out in front of Joker, pointing a vast array of guns at him.
"Drop your weapon," demanded Bruce, glaring at him. "Or I'll blast you to pieces."
"Geez, that's a lotta guns on that thing," said Joker, looking at it. "I guess that's to impress the ladies too, huh? But it don't impress me, Brucie – you can go ahead and kill me, but I'm taking the plant down with me. And I don't think you have the guts to fire."
"I do," spoke up Crane.
"Well, you can't," snapped Bruce. "Only I can fire them. And I will. Last chance, Joker."
Joker shook his head and Bruce drew a deep breath. If he didn't shoot Joker, he would kill Ivy. But if he shot Joker, he would have killed, something he had vowed never to do, even to save a life. He just had to choose whose life was more important, Ivy or Joker's. It seemed like he agonized over the dilemma for hours, but it could only have been a few seconds, when Harley suddenly fell to the ground, screaming and clutching her stomach.
Joker's attention was instantly diverted. "Harley, what is it?" he asked, dropping the gun and rushing over to her. Ivy also raced out from behind the rocks, kneeling down beside Harley and Joker.
"What is it, baby?" she whispered. "You ok?"
"It's the baby," gasped Harley. "It's the baby, it's…"
She trailed off, screaming again. "No, no, no, it's gonna be ok!" gasped Joker. "You're gonna be ok! Just…just hang on…Brucie, nerds, land the plane!" he shouted. "We gotta get Harley on board! C'mon, you help me carry her," he snapped at Ivy. "This is all your fault, and if anything happens to my baby, you're dead!"
"I thought I was dead anyway!" snapped Ivy, as she grabbed Harley's legs and gently lifted her as Joker took her arms. They carefully carried her onto the plane, and Bruce headed over to a button in the wall. He pressed it, and a double bed flipped out.
"That's also for the ladies," he added.
"I really hope these are clean sheets," muttered Ivy, as she lay Harley down.
"Water, we need water and stuff," said Joker, racing back toward the kitchen.
"Don't worry, Harl, you're gonna be fine," murmured Ivy, stroking her hair back.
"Course I am, Red," retorted Harley, whose grimace of pain suddenly relaxed into an easy smile. She put a finger to her lips, winking.
"I don't understand…" began Ivy.
"It was all an act, Red," interrupted Harley. "But it was the only way to stop all the violence. Baby's fine, but see, you guys have stopped fighting and started working together when you thought it wasn't. Because you both care about me and the baby more than you hate each other. The only way to stop hate is with love, y'see. Shrink power," she added, grinning. "Now don't give the game away yet," she whispered, as Joker hurried back with water, and Harley began moaning again.
"Mr. J," she said, taking his hand. "Red said she had some plant stuff that'll protect the baby – can you forgive her enough to let her help me?"
"I don't trust her, Harl…" he began.
"Please," interrupted Harley. "If she saves me and the baby, you'll forgive her for what she's done, huh?"
Joker shrugged. "I'll think about it," he muttered, glaring at Ivy.
Harley risked a smile through the act. "Good enough for now," she murmured.