The things I do for world domination…

Here I am, a strapping young villain in his prime, sitting up against a rusty cemetery gate at dick o'clock in the morning waiting for a washed-up goddess to finish her "pre-exorcism stretches". Yeah, apparently Aqua's become self-conscious about her Turn Undead skills after our recent boss fight with Beldia. So, she started a training regimen for herself where she needs to limber up before going toe-to-toe with any and all undead.

It's stupid, I know, and now she's forcing us to wait on her while she does it. Even tried to rope me into her little training montage, but I was having none of that. I'd rather sit in defiance.

Megumin and Darkness didn't seem to mind, though. If anything, they seemed intrigued with her new workout and were carefully studying her technique. I, however, didn't give a flying french fry. I just wanted to get this quest over with so I could go to bed for once. But before I go any further, lemme hit the rewind button and explain how we even got here. Context is important after all.

It started earlier today at the guild. My evil army and I were inspecting the quest board for something that was reasonable yet profitable. Since my team willingly gave away our entire fortune to pay back the town for property damage (I still cry at the memory), we were flat broke. And because we need to eat and make our landlord happy, we had to get serious with picking out a quest that pays in fat stacks.

Money: the root of all evil, and my best friend/worst enemy.

Aqua had called dibs on the next quest even though I tried to drill it through that thick skull of hers that she already got to pick the last quest and that it nearly scarred us. We argued and, to make a long and embarrassing story short, she won the right to pick another quest for a second time in a row. So unfair!

Anyway, I was mostly worried she was gonna pick something just as brutal as the Manticore-Griffin kill quest, but thankfully she didn't. Instead, she choose a flyer that requested a party with at least one Archpriest to exorcise a possible necromancer at a low-income cemetery outside of Axel. The cemetery was supposedly a hotspot for…ugh, ghost sightings…

Having spent three, long, excruciating years living with a ghost myself, I was not looking forward to this quest. But the pay was decent and Aqua, for all her stupidity, was an Archpriest, so we accepted the job.

While Luna was stamping away some papers for us, I got a number of adventurers come pat me on the back, saying how "noble" I was along with a bunch of other hero pep talk I didn't want. I'd much prefer it if nobody acknowledged my surface-level good deeds, they were purely a means to an end. It's not like I was doing any of this Samaritan work for fun. What am I to these losers, the Make-A-Wish Foundation? I'd rather take everybody's wishes.

So we waited till nightfall to head out to the neglected cemetery, and now that you're all officially caught up, you can see now why I'm in a sour mood. And because I'm in a sour mood, I'm gonna make sure Aqua knows it so she can HURRY THE HELL UP!

"Oh my god – wrap it up, Richard Simmons! My back hurts and I wanna go home!"

"Oh, quit your whining, Jack Whiner!" Aqua bit back, her calisthenics showing no signs of stopping. "I told you, I need to loosen my muscles before we go in there. I refuse to be shown up by anymore undead freaks from this moment forward. Besides, it's not my fault if your back hurts; you shouldn't be leaning it on those bars."

"Hey, there was nothing else around to lean on. So my back hurting is technically on you."

Megumin and Darkness decided now would be the perfect time to throw in their own remarks I didn't ask for.

"Y'know, if you need to sit down from doing nothing but standing, that kinda says something about what shape you're in, Jack..."

"She's right, it sounds like you don't work out nearly enough. Mayhap it would benefit your physical health if were to join Aqua in her exercise?"

"Hard pass."

"That's our leader for ya: a lazy, entitled, shut-in gamer nerd," Aqua said coldly. It was in that moment that a mischievous grin formed on her face, one that usually forms whenever she's about to tease me.

Aqua turned around so that her back was facing me and then she reached down for her toes – !

Her miniskirt, which already didn't leave much to the imagination, dangerously rode up her backside as she practically exposed herself right then and there! In a flustered flash of reflexes, I averted my gaze and shielded my peripheral vision with one hand. If man were to stare directly into the perfect ass of a goddess, I fear it would trigger the same madness invoked when gazing at the true form of Cthulhu.

"Or maybe he's only pretending to be lazy so he can enjoy the show I've been giving him. Am I right on the money, you naughty perv you~?"

"You call me a perv yet you're the one who's mooning me!"

"C'mon, Aqua, quit trying to get a rise out of him! We can all see he's clearly upset with you flashing him, so put your butt away!"

Bless Megumin for putting her foot down and coming to my aid.

"Please, listen to Megumin and do not degrade yourself for this man! For it is my own slutty body he has his lecherous eyes set upon when he thinks no one is watching!"

Darkness knows I've been rubbernecking!? I thought I was being stealthy about it! I mean, she never gave a reaction during those times I checked her out, so I assumed I was in the clear! It also doesn't help that her armor was in the smithy today, which left her wearing a tight, black tank top with a matching skirt and leggings. I tried to keep my eyes from wandering, I swear, officer!

Wait, what am I saying? She's eighteen, I have nothing to be scared of. Well, that is except for Megumin and Aqua currently gazing down at me with disappointed contempt (as if I didn't get enough of that back home).

"Is this true, Ghoul Boy?" they both said in freaky unison.

Far too embarrassed to get my words out, I resigned to just sighing in defeat, standing up with my head down so they couldn't see my burning face.

"…can we…?"

"What was that?" harshly interrogated Megumin. "You're gonna have to speak up, mister."

"CAN WE PLEASE JUST GO!? Look, I don't know about you, but I just wanna get this over with, okay…?"

I had to double dog dare myself to look up at the royally pissed off women. Megumin's glare softened and she let out a tired sigh, muttering something about how it was, "only natural". Aqua's glare didn't really lose its edge, but it's Aqua, I can learn to deal with it. As for the one who started this mess, her eyes were looking in every direction except mine while she covered her mouth with her hand.

Did she regret blurting my secret out like that? I don't know, and I don't care as I only wanted to finish this quest so I can go home and sleep in my bots' stables away from all human contact.

Eventually, Aqua dropped her glare and went into a more neutral expression. Idly swinging her arms by her sides, she said, "Well, I think I'm all limbered up by now. So, yeah, let's get this done and over with."

Smartest thing she's ever said.

Without making a big deal about it, I opened the squeaky gates and led my team into the bowels of the cemetery. Everything about this place just screamed horror movie set: you got your dead oak trees, dilapidated gravestones, leaves that moved with the wind, and the full moon being the metaphorical cherry on top. It almost makes wish I had CameraBots to take some B-roll footage, the atmosphere was too perfect not to record. Oh well, maybe next time if I'm free and I want to direct a short horror film.

Heh, horror films…I have something of a love/hate relationship with them. Since I was on my own for like ninety percent of my childhood, no one was around to stop me from digging through my parents' stash of R-rated movies. Mom and Dad must've been into some fucked up shit behind closed doors, because there was like a ton of depraved stuff they kept hidden in there: psychological thrillers, "found" footage, slashers, and gore fests galore! Yet, I still can't say if watching them back to back was my best decision ever or worst mistake yet. Sure, it did inspire me to try my hand out at film-making, but, in hindsight, I'm pretty sure it also skyrocketed my general anxiety.

Although, ironically, I wasn't feeling overly paranoid tonight, even though I was currently walking through a literal graveyard. Probably has something to do with the fact that the only thing we need to watch out for is an old fart summoning vengeful spirits, and I've already explained why those don't scare me anymore.

Unfortunately, I had to explain it to the girls when Aqua bluntly asked, "Hey Jack, we're in a haunted old cemetery at night, so how come you're not wetting yourself in fear like usual?"

Without stopping or looking back, I sighed a half-assed response. "Let's just say I've hung out with a ghost before and they're not all they're cracked up to be. They're more naggy than they are scary."

I thought that would be the end of it, but no, of course it wasn't. A strong grip on my shoulder forced me to stop walking and look behind. Surprisingly, it wasn't Darkness like I originally thought, but rather Aqua who looked even more serious than she did three minutes ago.

"Jack…Did I hear you say you've hung out with a ghost before?" she questioned, slowly and meticulously, making sure I didn't miss a beat.

I don't think I like serious Aqua…Go back to the stupid, fun-loving Aqua!

"I, er, uhm- -"

"Did you, or did you not, say you've lived with a departed spirit before? Yes or no?"

"…Y-yes?"

Now I knew why the Greeks were so fearful of gods; they can be really intimidating when they want to be. I had no idea what to except coming next.

Well, what came next was rather anticlimactic given that random bout of tense buildup forced onto me. Aqua let go of my shoulder and pointed an accusing finger in my face, and while she still seemed crossed with me, her threatening aura had pretty much vanished once she got the answer she wanted. Now for some reason she came off more as a kid trying their hardest to be stern, but failing adorably at it.

"I knew it! Ever since we first met, you've always had this musk of malevolent undead lingering on you. It's faint, but my sharp goddess nose was just barely able to pick up on it. I never mentioned it because I couldn't tell if that was supposed to be normal teen body odor, but now I have proof!"

Between this and sniffing out exact change, I'm starting to wonder if this girl is secretly part dog. It'd be fitting considering she can be a bitch sometimes.

Also, I've been carrying Wuya's ghost B.O. for three solid years? And I was none the wiser!? Rank! I'm gonna need to bathe in holy water after this.

"So why were you all buddy-buddy with a smelly evil spirit, huh? Got some skeletons you're trying to hide or what?" questioned the suspicious goddess, hands locked onto her hips to assert authority. Or lack thereof.

"Now, now, let us not jump to any hasty conclusions here," said Darkness trying to de-escalate the situation. "There has to be a reasonable explanation for this. We know Jack has unique habit of exaggerating for comedic effect, so perhaps what he is trying to say is that he was the unwilling victim of a haunting."

"Was your old home actually haunted by restless souls with unfinished business?" Megumin asked worriedly.

"I never planned, nor was I willing, to have a specter stink up my lair, that I can confirm. But it was more of a partnership than a haunting. We used to hatch evil schemes together until she somehow revived herself. Then she kinda bailed on me. But I say good riddance! She took all the fun out of world conquest."

Megumin, as well as the others, looked at me weirdly for a bit. Suddenly, her crimson eyes flashed red as she seemingly realized something before giving me an understanding smile.

"Ah, right, of course! Should've known it was all connected to taking over the world. My bad for thinking you were being haunted!"

Darkness and Aqua soon followed up on Megumin with similar remarks on their own.

"Feel free to reprimand me harshly for making such bold assumptions, future supreme ruler. Oohh please, I INSIST~!"

"I guess super evil geniuses and stinky evil spirits can find some common ground to work together. Isn't that right, Jack-Jack?"

I know they're faking it. It's likely they still think I was the victim of a haunting. In some ways, that is true, but it's the evil precedent that matters most here! They're just giving me empty compliments because they think I'm stupid enough to buy it.

Well you know what…I am gonna buy it! Not because I'm stupid, but because for once – for once in my life – I want to believe that they believe. I've already made my first steps to usurp the Devil King, so I'm going to treat myself tonight, damnit!

With my eyes closed and my head held high, I resumed the march forward, pretending that they weren't pretending.

"That's right, Aqua. The dark side is all about self-expression, and while it's usually a free-for-all, there's always room for cooperation. Evil tends to work in mysterious ways. Which is why we're gonna work together to take down this necromancer. Then, the rest of the Devil King's generals. Then, the big cheese himself. After that, the world is our oyster, baby! Nothing can stop Jack Spicer- -!"

In that moment, I felt something I never wanted to feel ever again so long as I could help it. Something that was worse than stubbing your toe. Worse than getting a creepy computer virus. Worse than choking back the suffocating sensation of anxiety clawing her way out of your throat like a rabid animal until you feel you can't hold it back any longer…

And that was walking into a spider web you couldn't see.

I justifiably shrieked as I did my best to tear off the invisible strings stuck to my face. But of course that wasn't enough – it never is! I had to be extra sure there were no eight-legged fuckers on my person before I could begin to feel safe, and even then I won't be spared from the after-willies!

So, I clumsily unlatched the strap for the HeliBot and threw off my trench coat, beating it against the ground senselessly as though I were cracking a whip. Hopefully it would be enough to shake off any lose strands of web that got on it, but I'll have to soak in water later just in case. No, scratch that, I'll take it with me in my holy water bath tonight. The blessed liquid should be enough to cleanse both me and my favorite coat at the same time. Brilliant, Jack!

Eventually, I stopped to take a breather, and, for a moment, I forgot I had company. I glanced at the girls. None of them looked like they knew what to make of my little freak-out back there.

"Jeez, and you tell me my screams are loud? I'm pretty sure there are dogs going ballistic on the other side of the kingdom thanks to you," snarked Aqua.

"Do we even want to know what that was about?" asked Megumin, rhetorically. But I was still upset, so I answered anyway.

"I ran into a spider web, okay!? I can't help it if I have arachnophobia."

The Archwizard raised her hands in mock surrender, the universal gesture of dropping a subject. As I dusted the dirt (and potential webs or spiders still remaining) off my coat, I heard Darkness ask me something which threw me for a loop.

"Say, Jack, what's that queer design on your shirt? I don't know why, but…I-I feel myself being looked down upon by its m-menacing eminence~"

"My shirt?"

Tilting my head down, I immediately realized what she was getting off at. I was wearing my red, Frankenstein's Monster graphic tee. My favorite shirt, and the one I died in coincidentally.

"Oh, that's just Frankenstein's Monster. Specifically the monster, not the mad scientist that created him. A lot people get them confused and it bugs me – eeewww, forget I said bugs!"

Megumin waved a hand in front of her as she attempted to unravel my words. "Wait, so a guy named Frankenstein made a green monster-man that kinda looks like a zombie? Is he a necromancer like the one we're hunting?"

Being one of my favorite mad scientists that created one of my favorite monsters, I took the opportunity to recap the story of Frankenstein and his infamous creation. After all the crap that's been happening to me since coming to this stinkin' cemetery, discussing one of my interests with other people was honestly a nice way to distract everyone from that. The girls even seemed to be somewhat interested in it too (especially Darkness for certain "reasons" I'll bet).

But given my lot in life, all decent things must come to an end. I didn't get to finish my synopsis when ghostly wails from out of the blue made me jump in surprise.

I don't understand: one minute, these acres were deserted – dare I say dead – then the next, BAM! It suddenly became a ghost party! Amorphous projections of people's souls flew everywhere which way throughout the air, each one of them moaning in agony. They didn't appear to be hostile, but their sudden presence did raise some serious red flags.

"Look! A few gravestones away, there's a light! Someone's activated a magic formation!"

It was hard to see with my bad eyes, but with my Farsight skill, I was able to make out the figure Darkness pointed out. The only discernable thing I could make out about them was they wearing a purple robe with a hood covering their head.

"Yup, that's gotta be our necromancer alright."

"Are you sure?" questioned Megumin, "I get the feeling this isn't your run-of-the-mill undead magic-caster."

Darkness brandished her longsword. "Should we charge in and take them down now while they're busy with their dark spells?"

"No! It's too risky! The undead are especially powerful under a full moon night. Let me use my Explosion spell to fully erase them from this mortal coil, it's our safest bet."

"Oh no you don't! I don't want to have to pay for even more property damage! First it was the carrot patches in Mirfield, and then it was the walls of Axel. I refuse to pay a single cent for a smoldering cemetery!"

"Well let's see you think of something better then, Mr. 'Evil Teen Genius'! Aqua may be a goddess, but you can't possible except her to attack a supercharged undead all by herself- -"

"RrrAAAAuuuuGGGGhhhh!"

And there she goes, charging straight ahead at the target in a rage-boosted dash. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying to keep control of her.

"For a lich to be here is unforgivable! As a representative of the Heavenly Realm, I shall judge you!"

Hang on, did Aqua say this guy was a lich? Aren't those supposed to be one of the strongest undead classes in fiction? What the hell is one doing here!?

In a flash, Aqua began stomping the circumference of the magic circle surrounding the lich with her boot. Each stomp appeared to weaken the circle's energy if it flickering like a faulty lightbulb was anything to go by. The robbed figure responsible for the cipher began to cry out.

"AH! St-st-stopppp! Who are you!? Where'd you come from!? Why are you wrecking my magic formation!? Please stop!"

Those pleas sounded awfully feminine for a supposed king of the undead. Was this lich actually a woman? I didn't know liches could be female…

Well, as it turns out, they could. The moment the magic circle was broken, Aqua pounced on the lich, pushing her to the ground and exposing her admittedly pretty face underneath the hood. She had perfect skin and brown eyes, with her matching brown hair flowing down around her neck and slightly obscuring her right eye. Those thick purple robes she donned became unbuttoned during the scuffle, showing off a bust that rivaled Dark's, and that was saying something right there!

In short, she looked nothing like a lich, instead looking more like a human girl. One who was…um, well, well-endowed and had a curvaceous body type now that I'm getting a better look at her…

Keep it in your pants, Spicer! I can already detect Meg giving me the stink eye in my peripheral vision. Why couldn't the lich had been a dude instead? I'm bi, so I wouldn't have mind either way!

"Ha-Ha-Ha! So, you thought you could get away with whatever heinous plot you were concocting, did ya? Well nice try! The great Me was able to nip the bud in your sinful plans!"

"W-w-w-what? No, please, you misunderstand- -"

"Shut up, you affront to the gods! People who stray from their humanity to become revolting undead make me sick. Which is why I'll purify these lost souls and you along with them! Yah!"

With the flick of her wrist, Aqua encompassed the entire cemetery in a bluish glow, reminiscent of an aquarium. The souls, who I guess would be the fish in this metaphor, began to evaporate in what looked like appeasement. Soon the place became an empty and barren landscape again. As for the lich girl…

"AH! Oh no! My body – it's threatening to disappear! H-help, somebody help, please!"

Aqua's triumphant laughs during the purification process stopped shortly after discovering the lich's bangin' bod was still tethered to this world, if only by a thread.

"Eh!? Aw c'mon! My magic should've been enough to purify you! Am I really starting to lose my touch now that I'm technically a demigod? No, this can't be happening to meeeeeee!"

Great, now we've got a crying demigod and a whimpering lich on our hands. What a night for me.

Well, seeing as how this lich wasn't much of a threat, I decided to approach her and attempt a conversation. Y'know, just to get a read on her personality.

"Uh…hey there. I take it from my crybaby partner that you're a lich. That's…cool. So what that's like, huh?"

As her body slowly regained its physical form, the young woman blinked away her tears and stared at me. Right now part of me wishes I had chosen enhanced social skills as my divine cheating power.

"…What's being a lich like?"

"Yeah, I thought liches were supposed to be sapient zombies, but you look like a healthy human."

"Th-that's just because I practice good hygiene…"

Oh. Uh, okay then. I'm not going to press on any further. Let's change the subject.

"You gotta a name or is lich fine with you?"

In the moment, I had completely ignored Aqua, who had recovered from her wallowing only to scold me.

"Jack! What do you think you're doing!? Don't converse with her kind! You might turn into one too!"

"First of all, wow, racist. Second of all, I'm pretty sure that's not how becoming a lich works. Besides, all I did was ask her name, so stand down, useless demigod."

"I am NOT a demigod. I'm a FULL god, darn it!"

And that's when I tuned her out and went back to repeat my question to the docile lich woman standing awkwardly in front of me.

"Oh, well, my name is Wiz. What might yours be if you do not mind me asking."

"You're talking to the one and only Jack Spicer, Super Evil Genius Mastermind, and his Posse of Destruction! I'd have my evil theme music blaring in the background, but my robots aren't here because I didn't bring them with me. They're not really effective against ghost-types."

"…Eh?"

The evil theme music would've sold it for her, I know it.

"Never mind. Anyway, what were you doing before we got here, raising a ghost army?"

"What? No, I would never! You see, being what I am, I can hear the voices of these lost souls. Most of the souls that wander this large public cemetery never received proper burials due to them being impoverished when they were alive. As a result, they were unable to move on to the afterlife and became lost in the process. So, I periodically come visit to guide them back to Heaven."

In other words, she's a good guy lich. Lame. Well, at least she's easy on the eyes and doesn't smell like death.

Darkness stepped forward (with Megumin cautiously trailing behind her) and asked Wiz, "If that's the case, then why not leave it to the priests of this town?"

"T-that's because the priests of this town are rather materialistic. Er, what I mean is, the rites for people without money are postponed, so…"

"So they end up pushing poor cemeteries like this one off to the side," finished Megumin.

Wiz nodded solemnly. Two-thirds of my party gave similar affirmations in response. Can you guess who the outlier was?

"Why is everyone siding with this lich!?" Aqua shouted. "Jack and Megumin I can kinda understand, but Darkness? You're a holy Crusader, I should've expected you of all people to back me up here! I'm your goddess' senior for My sake, you're supposed to be against undead savages!"

"Th-th-that's so hurtful!" whimpered the quote unquote undead savage.

As for the holy Crusader, she dug her foot into the soil while looking down at it and softly responded back.

"Well, under normal circumstances, yes. However, from what I've seen so far of her, I cannot confidently say Wiz is a dangerous malcontent. Besides, she's even doing a charitable service on her own accord. What kind of person, human or otherwise, should be condemned for doing such a selfless act?"

Eh, I personally don't buy it. I've researched cryptids and mythological creatures before, I know what a lich is like: they're the reanimated bodies of radical wizards who wanted to cheat death and become omniscient. But give them a couple of eons and they'll lose sight of anything resembling humanity and just start chaos for chaos' sake.

It's possible Wiz is just relatively young for her kind, but, sooner or later, she and the rest of her lich-y friends will pose a serious problem for my future federation. I'll bet all my pudding cups on it.

That being said, however, I can't deny my innate curiosity to study what kind of kickass powers she has under her sleeves. So even though I'm not entirely keen on trusting her, I will be on the lookout for something that sticks out about her. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right?

" 'Selfless'? She's a freak of nature! Plus, she's the one we were tasked to eliminate in the first place! I say we finish her off now and never discuss this again!'

Wiz sputtered for a second before pleading to Aqua, "No, wait, please don't purify me again! Look, I-I run a small magic shop back in town. It doesn't get good business but, if you have mercy, I'll give you and your friends customer discounts!"

Aqua remained silent.

"…I also serve t-tea on the side…?"

That made Aqua hum to herself before she pointed a finger at Wiz.

"Alright, I accept, but on one condition."

She's already given you two conditions!

"Let someone more responsible and holy take over your graveyard shift. I'm of course talking about me; a goddess is far more suited to guide the dead than you."

The lich teared up (though I can't tell if those were happy or hurt tears) and glomped the ruthless goddess, hugging at the waist with all her might while thanking her to the high heavens.

"Ew, don't touch me! Also, you're breaking the 3-second rule on hugs!"

I feel a headache coming on.

It was early morning when we agreed to visit the little magic shop Wiz said she ran. It was a mom-and-pop type shop tucked away underneath a cheap, one-room hotel. There was a counter, shelves for products, a small table with two chairs, and that's pretty much it. She really wasn't kidding when she said her store didn't get good business.

Although, I think I figured out why she doesn't get a lot of customers, and it's not just the bare bones atmosphere. Every item this airheaded lich had on sale was faulty! And it was always a specific fault too; something that completely defeated the item's intended purpose.

For example, while Wiz was brewing tea for a grumpy Aqua, Megumin asked about a vile of bubbling green liquid she picked off a shelf, and she had this to say:

"Oh, that? That's a concoction specifically brewed for humans to navigate dark places without a lantern by making their bodies glow! You just need to have see-through skin for your insides to shine through."

Humans don't have see-through skin! So what's the friggin' point of it!?

Some are just flat out useless for the average consumer to want to buy:

"Excuse me, Wiz, I have a question about this potion that attracts beasts. Um, w-would it make one more attractive to men with a beastly nature?"

"Sadly, no, it only attracts beast-like monsters. The scent makes them attack the wearer one right after the other without a break."

"I SHALL TAKE YOUR ENTIRE STOCK!"

But then again, my teammates weren't exactly average consumers.

I'll only say this once inside my mind, but thank Aqua for her intimidation factor. If she hadn't threaten Wiz with purification, she wouldn't have bribed us with discounts, and all our quest money we earned from lying about the "necromancer's" death would've been splurged on the junk my party is buying.

"Here is your tea, Lady Aqua."

"Hey, this tea is cold! Your cold, dead lich hands made my tea lukewarm! Make me another one!"

"Yes Lady Aqua, sorry Lady Aqua, right away Lady Aqua!"

If only this shop sold ibuprofen…

Some behind-the-scenes trivia: this chapter wasn't originally planned in my third revision of Season 1. I simply felt as though the anime glossing over Wiz's debut was a disservice to her character, thus this chapter was born out of a desire not to cop out on her introduction. It just so happened that this fell under the spooky month...So I hope you enjoyed this unintentional Halloween special!