When It's All Over

by cottagecore-sprout

Before Harry was born, before the prophecy, before Lord Voldemort was powerful, before war broke out in the Wizarding World, the Marauders and their friends were just kids growing up in a world changing around them. They laughed, they loved, they struggled, and, eventually, they fought and died for what they believed in. These are their stories.

11. To Build a Home

Chapter 11: To Build A Home

cw: allusions to/mentions of abuse, implication of homophobic slur

The summer of 1974 was both dryer and hotter than was usual for London, but within the dark and desolate house on Grimmauld Place, it was still as cold as ever. It was unclear whether this was something about the insulation of the old house, which had been lived in by many generations of Blacks, or if it had to do with its magic. Either way, even on the fourth floor of the place, where Regulus and Sirius had their bedrooms, it was cool all day. Sirius joked to Regulus one day when their parents weren't around that the frigidity of the house was due to the frigidity of the people who lived in it. Regulus had laughed despite himself.

The cold wasn't uncomfortable, however, and in some ways it quite reminded Regulus of the Slytherin dormitories. For Regulus, going home for the summer wasn't the happiest event. He now thought he understood why Sirius always seemed far away since he had returned home for the first time from Hogwarts. Hogwarts castle, with its delicious feasts, crackling fires, and picturesque grounds, felt much more inviting than this gloomy house. Regulus, too, couldn't help his yearning for the place that felt just as much like home as their house in London, if not more.

Regulus' first year at Hogwarts hadn't been exactly what he had expected. Of course, he had heard many tales from his older brother about the famed school ever since Sirius had first returned home for Christmas during his first year. Then, Regulus had been ten, and he had eagerly drank in all of Sirius' memories and stories, amazed at the colorful world which Sirius had so eagerly described.

Sirius had told him all about the grounds, ghosts, hidden passageways, his classes, and the adventures he went on. Going to Hogwarts himself, Regulus suspected that his own life there was not quite as exciting as Sirius' stories led him to believe his older brother's was. He wasn't sure if this was because of Sirius' natural talent for dramatics in storytelling, or something else, but he had a suspicion that it was the latter.

Regulus learned quickly in his first year at Hogwarts, when he observed his brother with the other Gryffindors, that Sirius' friends were loyal to him, and he marveled at how happy his older brother looked when he was around them. Regulus also knew that by the end of his first year, he had not made the kind of friends that Sirius had. He was moderately friendly with some of the boys in his dormitory, but didn't know that much about them. Some of them he found, quite frankly, repulsive.

Luckily for him, Narcissa had taken Regulus under her wing. In her capacity as not only a seventh year, but also the Head Girl, this had made quite the difference in Regulus' life at Hogwarts. While the other Slytherins would sometimes mutter about Sirius, shooting Regulus contemptuous looks, they never dared to say anything outright to him about his brother with Narcissa around. Even if she wasn't nearby, everyone knew that whatever they did or said would circle back to her in the end. So they kept their silence, and Regulus was glad of it.

He had been surprised at how friendly and accepting his older cousin had been of him, since they had barely ever spoken to each other personally before, and because she was six years older than him. Sirius had always scoffed to Regulus after family events that Narcissa needed a stick removed from her arse, as she moved around like a robot and sat so straight in her chair she must have an iron post for a spine.

Within the safety of the Slytherin common room, however, Narcissa was different. She lounged on the couches, laughing with her friends and her boyfriend, Lucius Malfoy. She spoke to Regulus with familiarity, asking him to sit with her sometimes and giving him advice for his classes. They never talked about Sirius, or her older sister, Andromeda. Still, she didn't give him lectures about how to be a good pureblood, either, so he was happy to skirt the topic of their family in general.

Even with Narcissa's protection, however, Regulus longed for what Sirius had: true friends. Whenever Sirius told stories about Hogwarts, both before Regulus had joined him there and after, he knew that Sirius was being careful, was holding things back. He never introduced Regulus to his friends, and Regulus only knew their faces by sight, and their names from overhearing other students talking about them.

Regulus had become exceptionally good, over his lifetime living with his brother, at detecting when Sirius was lying. Of course, Sirius hadn't lied much—at least not to Regulus—when they had been younger, but in the last few years before Sirius had gone to Hogwarts, Sirius' lies had begun to pile up.

At first, Regulus wasn't suspicious of Sirius' periodic disappearances. Their house was large, and he never looked too hard to find Sirius when he went missing. It was an old habit of Regulus', really. Those hours after Sirius was punished by their father or mother, Sirius would hide, and Regulus knew well enough by the age of five that in these moments, his older brother wanted to be left alone. If Regulus looked hard, he knew that he would eventually walk in on Sirius in an abandoned cupboard, in the small gap between the last bookshelf and the wall in the library, sitting on a window seat behind thick curtains in the drawing room, or somewhere similar. But he didn't look, because he knew that Sirius liked to be left to his own thoughts, and to approach him at these times would only cause him to lash out like a wounded dog.

Still, Sirius began to go missing more and more in the last two years before he left for Hogwarts, and Regulus grew accordingly more and more suspicious. Throwing caution to the winds, he began to search the house thoroughly for his brother after a few months of him going missing multiple times a week. Regulus tried to do this discreetly, always abandoning his search if his parents or Kreacher asked what he was doing, but after a few weeks of this, Regulus had come to the startling conclusion that Sirius was actually leaving the house when he would disappear at these times.

Why Sirius was leaving the house on his own was a mystery that Regulus had never been able to unravel, and for some reason, he balked at the idea of asking his older brother about his excursions. Clearly, Sirius was both determined to keep exploring London—if that indeed was what he was doing—on his own, and to keep it a secret from all of the inhabitants of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place. Regulus felt that confronting his brother about it might disrupt some delicate balance within his brother, and it was obvious to him that Sirius' adventures were making him happy, so he held his tongue. Nevertheless, he felt more than a little hurt that Sirius didn't trust him enough to tell him about what he was doing.

Therefore, Regulus knew more than his brother wanted him to, both about his escapades in their childhood, and what he got up to at school. Even since Sirius' first night at Hogwarts, when their mother had received a letter from Narcissa telling her that Sirius had been sorted into Gryffindor House, Regulus had been privy to all of his brother's actions at school in the form of angry narrations from their mother. Indeed, Narcissa had continued to send her aunt updates on Sirius' behavior throughout his first year, reporting that Sirius had become best friends with a blood traitor and two half-bloods, as well as consorting with multiple Muggle-borns in his year.

Regulus wondered if Sirius imagined that he had not heard about his antics through their parents, that they had kept it from him. If this was the case, he was sorely mistaken. With every new letter, Regulus was treated to not only a bout of screaming profanity from his mother, but also a stern lecture from his father about how to behave properly when he finally arrived at Hogwarts.

When Regulus himself had started Hogwarts, he had been overwhelmingly relieved that he would no longer have to endure his parents' reactions to whatever Sirius was doing. However, he also knew that he would have to behave himself, doing all the right things, if he didn't want to be on the receiving end of the admonishments that Sirius got whenever he returned home for the holidays.

Sirius had always been the one who got the most punishments out of the two boys in their childhood, but the level of punishment had increased drastically since Sirius had returned home from his first year at Hogwarts. All of the pent-up rage Walburga Black had been harbouring against her eldest son in the months when he was gone were released in deafening screaming matches, among other things. The difference was also in the fact that Sirius, for the first time that Regulus could remember, was beginning to answer back when their mother taunted him.

If approaching Sirius while he was licking his wounds after a punishment was to risk being snapped at by a wounded animal, talking back to Walburga when she was exploding with rage was like stabbing a sword into a sleeping dragon. Watching Sirius yell back at their mother, Regulus felt his breath catch in his throat, his heartbeat increase as he looked frantically from one to the other, wishing his brother would just shut up before he got hurt. The part of Sirius' brain that held any self-preservation instinct, however, seemed to have been turned off ever since he had been sorted into Gryffindor. Regulus wondered dryly sometimes, when he felt irrationally angry with his brother, lying alone in his bed at night in the big house—which felt empty without Sirius—whether this was courage or just plain stupidity.

Of course, Sirius and Walburga finally reached the peak of their conflict during Christmas dinner almost two years previously. Regulus didn't like to think about that night, about almost carrying his older brother—then thirteen—up the stairs to his bedroom, about Sirius collapsing onto his bed, looking as lifeless as a doll. Regulus had been just eleven then.

Now Regulus was twelve, and he was still waiting for the moment when he would stop being terrified for his older brother when they were home together.

Sirius was his usual cheery self with Regulus so far that summer. When Sirius had sought out Regulus on Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, after they had both descended the Hogwarts Express, he had ruffled Regulus' short hair affectionately and said, "How does it feel to belong to the house that finished last in the Quidditch Cup this year, Reg?"

Regulus had rolled his eyes and pulled away from his brother. "We only finished third in the House Cup, though."

"Ah, technicalities," Sirius had said, smirking teasingly down at his brother. Sirius' hair had grown considerably over his time at Hogwarts, having been barely trimmed in his whole three years. It drove their mother crazy, which Regulus supposed was part of the draw for Sirius. "I'm sure Cissy's disappointed that her initiative as Head Girl didn't bolster Slytherin House's success this year. Usually your house does much better."

Regulus had only rolled his eyes again, not responding to Sirius' teasing as they turned to find Kreacher waiting to take them back to Grimmauld Place.

Still, Sirius' joking and cheerful manner around Regulus had become decidedly more forced as they had progressed into the summer, and he made very little attempt to stay civil around their parents. Even as Sirius had gotten better at taking what their mother now routinely threw at him, Regulus felt as if he was watching something crack within his brother, something essential that he didn't think could ever be fixed. Sometimes, Regulus wanted to break down and beg his brother to keep his mouth shut, if not for his own safety, then so that Regulus could stop waking up from nightmares full of flashes of light and screaming. He knew Sirius would never back down, though, so he didn't try.

One day in early August, the two Black brothers were sitting in Sirius' room, Regulus watching as Sirius fasten several hangings to the wall which one of his friends had sent him by owl the previous day.

"You're really serious about his?" Regulus asked him doubtfully as Sirius held up a Gryffindor banner over his bed, trying to see where the best place for it would be.

"I'm always serious, Reg," Sirius said, turning to give his younger brother a wink and a smile.

"But mum will kill you," Regulus said, his voice apprehensive. Sirius let out a short, mirthless laugh, and pulled his wand from his pocket, casting a quick sticking charm so that the banner fastened itself to the wall. (Sirius was rather cavalier about using magic outside of school within the Black house, as he had pointed out to Regulus that it couldn't be detected as long as they were around an adult witch or wizard.) Sirius stepped down from the bed, grabbing another poster from the floor.

"She hasn't killed me yet," Sirius said, unrolling the poster and examining it critically. "Anyway, I've been a Gryffindor for three years now. At some point, mother will have to get used to it."

He turned the poster around to show Regulus, whose eyes widened. "Please tell me you're joking." Sirius laughed again, with a little more sincere humor in his voice this time.

"Not a fan of Bowie, Reg?"

Regulus stared at him, shaking his head in amazement. "I've never listened to any Muggle music, Sirius, you know that."

"Well, lucky for you, one of my friends gave me a cassette player for Christmas," Sirius said, striding over to his trunk and pulling out an unfamiliar rectangular object, putting what Regulus assumed was a tape into it, and pressing play. The soft sound of music began to drift out of it, and Regulus listened as he watched Sirius move around his room, looking for a place to put up his Ziggy Stardust poster. When the first song finished, Sirius turned to Regulus, raising his eyebrows.

"So?"

"It was good, I guess," Regulus admitted. He looked down at the ground, picking up the corner of another poster and turning it over. He snorted, rolling his eyes as he saw that it depicted a stationary, Muggle picture of a bikini-clad girl. He wasn't even going to bother commenting on that one.

The movement of the poster had revealed a smaller photograph beneath it, however, and Regulus bent from his chair to pick it up curiously. The photograph was of four boys, standing arm in arm, laughing at the camera. The photograph had been taken in front of the lake on the grounds, Regulus realized. Of course, he recognized Sirius immediately. The other boys were relatively easy to identify, too, because he had seen his older brother with them so many times at meals, in the corridors, and out on the grounds.

To Sirius' left was James Potter, Sirius' best friend. He had medium brown skin and untidy black hair, the camera flash reflecting off his slightly crooked glasses, his grin wide. James, Regulus knew, was the son of Fleamont Potter, who had invented some famous hair potion, and Euphemia Potter, another famous potioneer. His family was very rich and pureblooded, but they were all blood traitors, from what his mother had said.

On James' other side was Remus Lupin, who had light brown hair and blue eyes, his smile happy but more tentative than the two boys in the middle. Regulus didn't know much about Remus other than that he was rather quieter than James and Sirius, and was a half-blood. In Regulus' second week at Hogwarts, he had bumped head-on into Remus in the corridor outside of the library when Remus had had his head buried in a book, not looking where he was going. Looking up after they had collided briefly, Remus apologized quickly, but his words faltered slightly as he looked into Regulus' eyes, a look of slight shock on his face.

Regulus, feeling uncomfortable, had muttered an apology himself and then ducked around him into the library. He thought he had seem something more than shock in the older boy's gaze, and he hadn't liked it. Was it pity? Regulus had heard the story of Sirius' boggart from the Slytherins in Sirius' year in the first week of classes, and he hated the idea that this boy, who Regulus knew nothing about, knew what happened in his house, to his brother. Had Sirius told his friends about what had been happening ever since the Christmas of his second year? Regulus wondered. He didn't ask Sirius. He didn't want to think about it.

On Sirius' right, there was a small, plump boy with short blonde hair, by the name of Peter Pettigrew. Regulus knew even less about this boy than the other two, as even when he overheard the other Slytherins muttering about Sirius and his friends, they rarely mentioned Pettigrew at all.

"Can you hand me that—" Sirius said, turning, then breaking off as he caught sight of Regulus looking down at the picture in his hands. "Oh," Sirius said, looking shifty all of a sudden. Then he composed himself again. "Could you hand me that poster from the floor?"

Regulus did, and Sirius went back to hanging it up on his wall. Regulus was silent for another moment, then he spoke. "You know, you never talk about your friends," he said, looking at Sirius, who had his back to him as he charmed the poster of the Muggle girl to his wall. Sirius' arm twitched slightly in response to Regulus' question, but he didn't turn around.

"Well, you've never asked me about them," came Sirius' careful reply, and Regulus sighed in frustration.

"Maybe I'm asking now," Regulus said. He realized, then, how desperate he was for answers about the people his older brother spend his time around, even if he had been reluctant to ask before.

Sirius turned, fixing his younger brother with a hesitant look. "What do you want to know, then?"

"I don't know," Regulus said, shrugging. "Anything. James Potter, he's the one you spent a week with last summer, right? And Christmas?"

Sirius frowned. "How do you know about Christmas? I told mum I was spending it at Hogwarts."

Regulus rolled his eyes. "I saw you on the platform, Sirius. I didn't tell our parents about it, though, don't worry."

Sirius smiled slightly. "Yeah, I spent Christmas with James' family, as well as that week last summer." He pauses slightly, then gave his brother another piercing look. "Have you been keeping tabs on me, Reg?"

"You don't tell me much," Regulus replied, a little defensively. "But that doesn't mean that I don't hear things from other people, you know."

"From mum?"

"Narcissa used to send her letters about what you were up to, yes," Regulus admitted. "And from some of the other Slytherins."

"What did they tell you about me?" Sirius said, stiffening. Regulus hesitated, looking at his brother. He decided against saying anything about the boggart.

"They don't say much to me," he said. "I overhear bits and pieces, not much. Just about who you hang around with and stuff. They call you a blood traitor."

"And what do you think? Do you think I'm a blood traitor?"

"Well, you're friends with an awful lot of them," Regulus pointed out. His voice was neutral, and he looked at his older brother curiously, wanting to understand.

Sirius sighed. "Those terms mean nothing, Reg, you know?" He said, running a hand through his long hair. "Blood traitor, half-blood, pureblood…" He didn't say the last one, but Regulus could sense it hanging in the air, had heard it so many times from his mother's and father's mouths, and from the other Slytherins.

"I'm not sure how to explain to you all the stuff that I've found out when I'm not in this house," he said. "But it's all bullshit, Reg. The pureblood crap, it doesn't make us better than anyone else."

Regulus stared at Sirius, thinking of how much he sounded like Andromeda right before she had run from their house, never to return. "I don't understand, Sirius," he said finally. "I'm sorry, but I don't get it. I don't know where you were going all those years when you were leaving the house, I don't know what you were doing, and you never told me. And now you won't even try to explain this, so I'm not sure how I can ever understand it."

Sirius stared at him for a moment, then walked over and pulled out his desk chair, straddling it to face Regulus so that the two boys were almost at eye level, though Sirius was still a few inches taller, even sitting down. "You knew about that?" He asked after a moment, his voice low. Regulus nodded slowly.

"Look, this is just the kind of thing I'm talking about," he started, feeling angry now. "You treat me like I can never understand things, like I don't notice things, but I do, Sirius. I'm not stupid, and I'm not just some little kid that you have to hide the hard stuff from because I can't handle it. I've been handling the hard stuff for years, whether you want to acknowledge it or not."

The two brothers stared at each other for another moment, and Regulus felt a bit of satisfaction seeing the startled look in Sirius' eyes. There was something else behind it, however, and when Sirius spoke, Regulus realized that it was hurt. "Not like I have," Sirius said quietly, his voice reproachful. "You do understand that I've been trying to protect you all these years, right?"

Regulus looked down, breaking their eye contact, feeling slightly ashamed of himself. Of course he knew. He had known since they were children. But still… "Maybe you should think about protecting yourself for once," he said, looking back up to look at his older brother. "If you didn't always pick a fight—"

Sirius groaned, leaning back slightly and shaking his head. "You don't get it, Reg, I can't just shut my mouth. Sometimes I think I can, but…" He sighed, running a hand through his hair again. Regulus wondered if this was a habit he had picked up from his friend, James, since his friend's hair was always so messy.

"Look, maybe you won the genetic lottery with our family or something," Sirius said, giving Regulus a wry smile. "But for me, it just feels impossible not to rise to the bait. I got my temper from mum, I guess. And they're my friends, Regulus. Do you get that? When our parents are talking about blood traitors, half-bloods, and Muggle-borns, those are my friends they're cussing out."

This, for the first time, gave Regulus pause. He had never thought about this before, never realized that as soon as Sirius had gone to Hogwarts, their parents' tirades had become personal to him. "Okay, well tell me about your friends, then," he demanded, petulantly.

"Well, they're quite bonkers, really," he said, smiling genuinely for the first time in a while. "But brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. James is my best mate, and he's absolutely hilarious. Arrogant little berk, of course, but he'd die for any one of his friends. And kill for us, too, probably, but that would take a bit more. His parents are great, too. Euphemia and Fleamont Potter. They actually cook for themselves, you know, no house elves in their house. Euphemia makes this amazing dahl soup...I never realized how few spices English people use in their cooking before I went to their house. Didn't know how much I was missing out before then."

Regulus looked down at the picture in his hands. James laughed at the camera, his arm around Sirius. Regulus saw the casual arrogance in his stance, but also the carefree smile on his face. He wondered what it would like to be James Potter, with his two adoring parents and loving family. He pushed the thought out of his head quickly, his eyes going to the light brown-haired boy in the picture, whose blue eyes looked steadily back at him from the photograph.

"What about Remus Lupin?" He asked, looking up at his brother.

"Remus is great," Sirius started, a smile breaking across his face again as he thought about his friend, the look in his eyes far away. "Total bookworm, remembers every single thing he reads, and he's great at pretending to be all rule-following for the teachers, but when it comes down to it he's the mastermind behind all of our best pranks and things. Sarcastic little shit, too. He's, well…" A strange expression flickered across Sirius' face at that moment, barely there long enough for Regulus to register it. Still, he knew, in that moment, that Sirius was about to hold something back again.

"He's a really amazing person," Sirius finished rather lamely. Regulus narrowed his eyes at Sirius, but didn't ask him to elaborate. He remembered the look Remus had given him, and the thought occurred to him that maybe the older boy had been startled by the resemblance between him and his older brother, which he had been told before was striking. Everyone in the family had the same grey eyes, of course, but he and Sirius had the same nose, the same mouth, the same cheekbones... Obviously, Remus and Sirius were close. Suddenly, Regulus didn't seem to mind the thought that Remus might know what was going on in the house as much as before.

Sirius continued. "Then there's Pete. I didn't take to him right away, to be honest, in first year, but he got over his twitchiness around us after a bit, and he's actually quite clever, and funny. Good at sneaking around, and always on board to cause some mischief. Marlene and Dorcas both knew James from before Hogwarts, and they hang around a lot, too. Marley's hilarious, and reckless sometimes, to be honest...Stubborn and competitive as hell, that one, so she's got herself in a few more scrapes than she should because of that. Dorcas is probably the smartest person I've ever met in my life, she's basically top of everything, as well as being one of the friendliest people you'll ever meet. Dee kind of calms Marley down a lot of times, but if Dee is angry, well...I envy anyone who's in her way. I dunno, Reg...they're all amazing, y'know? I feel lucky to have them."

He looked at Regulus, happiness shining in his grey eyes as he talked about his friends, and in that moment, Regulus felt more distant from his brother than he had ever done in his whole life. He had asked about Sirius' friends to feel closer to him, but now he saw it: Sirius had a new family. A family who made him happy, who gave him Christmas and birthday presents, who thought like him and fought for what he believed in because they believed in it, too.

"Are you going to stay with James for part of the summer again?" Regulus asked, his heart sinking into his stomach.

"Yeah, he invited me," Sirius said. "I reckon I can get mum and dad to let me go a few weeks before the end of the summer, maybe. They're already so sick of me, it shouldn't be hard."

Regulus nodded, trying to swallow the emotion welling up in his throat. Part of him wanted to beg his brother to stay with him, but another part of him wished Sirius could just leave right then. He's already gone, a small voice said in the back of Regulus' head, and he tried to push it away. He's been gone for years, the voice insisted. Regulus shoved it away again, and tried to smile at his brother.

"That will be nice, I guess," he said, trying to look happy for him. Sirius grinned back.

"Yeah, it will," he said, and Regulus knew that his brain was already there, at James Potter's house, eating food cooked by his loving parents who had probably never said a harsh word to him ever, and being with his friends.

At least when he's gone you won't have to worry about him, the small voice said in his head again when he got ready for bed that night. Regulus sighed, realizing the voice was right. Sirius was probably better off with the Potters, and with all of his other new friends, where he was safe. He climbed under his covers, turning onto his side pulling his pillow over his ear and pressing down. He was used to doing this, after all these nights. I definitely won't miss the screaming, he thought to himself as he began to drift off to sleep.

...

Walburga Black had thrown a fit when she had seen Sirius' new decorations for his room. While the Gryffindor banner might have been bad enough, she went absolutely nuts when she saw the pictures of Muggle girls on his wall. Their father, Orion, however, had been much angrier in response to Sirius' Bowie poster. He had called Sirius a word that Regulus had never heard before, and disappeared with him into the drawing room for even longer than usual.

After that, their parents seemed almost relieved at Sirius' request the spend the last three weeks of the summer with his friend, James. Sirius had sent his owl, Caspian, to tell James that he could come sooner than expected, and the next day Sirius left by floo powder for the Potter house.

The house felt very empty again without Sirius in it, but Regulus was used to this by now. He had spent many lonely months without Sirius after he had gone to Hogwarts, and had long since figured out some ways to quench the feeling of emptiness. Sometimes he wandered the big house aimlessly, other times he read in the library, or talked with Kreacher as he cleaned. He knew Sirius didn't like the elf much, probably because Kreacher had learned to hate Sirius from Walburga's rants about him when he was gone, but Kreacher had always been good to Regulus.

These days, when all of these things failed to make Regulus feel less alone, he would go into Sirius' room and lie on his brother's bed and just stare around at the walls. Sirius had managed to cover almost all of the wallpaper with his banners and posters, all of which were stuck there with a permanent sticking charm, something which their mother found out when she tried to remove them after Sirius had left. This had caused another fit, of course, and Orion Black had had to step in to prevent her from setting everything in the room on fire.

As Regulus gazed around at the wall hangings, he wished that he could see through them and understand what was going on in his older brother's head. The posters remained stationary and lifeless, however, yielding no answers. The only thing that moved in the room, other than Regulus, was the small picture of Sirius and his friends, which he had pasted next to his bed. Sometimes, Regulus would roll onto his side and gaze at it, thinking about how he had never seen Sirius that happy in this house, and wondering if he was laughing with James Potter right then, safe away from Grimmauld Place.

The three weeks went very slowly for Regulus, but he still felt almost surprised when September 1st was upon him and he was set to return to Hogwarts. This year, his father brought him to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, giving him a gruff goodbye before Regulus boarded the train back to Hogwarts.

When the train began to move, Regulus walked down the corridors, searching for someone he knew to sit with. He caught sight of Sirius sitting with with Gryffindor roommates, a broad smile on his face as he gazed at Remus Lupin, who seemed to be telling an animated story, holding up something that was blocked from Regulus' view for the other boys to see. Regulus sighed and moved past their compartment quickly.

Eventually, Regulus found himself seated in a compartment with some of his Slytherin roommates, including Barty Crouch Jr., Amycus Carrow, and John Selwyn. Regulus had always liked Barty a bit more than his other roommates, while he found John tolerable, if a bit dim, and Amycus positively repellant.

Clearly, Amycus felt the same way at him. As soon as Regulus entered their compartment, both Amycus and his twin sister Alecto, who was sitting with them as well, fixed him with identical glares. It took a while for Regulus to become annoyed with the persistent staring, but eventually he snapped at Amycus.

"What are you looking at, Carrow?"

"Nothing," Amycus sneered. "I heard your parents finally gave your blood-traitor brother the boot this summer."

"You heard wrong, then," Regulus said, glaring back at the shorter boy.

"It's only a matter of time, though, isn't it?" Amycus asked, his sneer becoming even more pronounced. "If he's always associating with blood-traitors and mudbloods. Reckon it runs in your family, though, doesn't it? Didn't your older cousin shack up with a mudblood?"

"Piss off," Regulus muttered, looking away from Amycus. Alecto let out a sinister little giggle, but neither twin said anything more about the subject.

Soon, Regulus realized that his confrontation with Amycus was not the last of the sort he would have to endure over the course of the year. What he had not anticipated—though he supposed he should have—was that now that Narcissa had graduated, the other Slytherins had no reason to keep their nasty thoughts about Sirius to themselves anymore.

So, at the beginning of his second year, Regulus was barraged with taunts about his older brother from his fellow Slytherins. It was not just his roommates, either, it was every single Slytherin who had been the butt of a Gryffindor joke or prank who wanted a go at him. It didn't matter that Regulus was a Black; Slytherin House was full of prominent pureblooded names, and they were all content to use Regulus as an outlet for their disdain and anger.

Soon, Regulus had exhausted the limits of what he could take. There were only so many times he could tell them to "piss off," and he felt even more isolated than when he had been all alone in Grimmauld Place.

He changed his tactics.

When older Slytherins called out to him in the common room, saying, "Hey, Black, I heard your brother is about to get blasted off the family tree," he started to turn and look them dead in the eyes with an arrogant, detached smirk on his face, shooting back: "Serves him right for the scum he hangs around these days."

If in the dormitory, Amycus or John sneered, "Your brother and his blood traitor and half-blood friends need to learn their place, they're not fit to wipe dirt off my shoes," Regulus grit his teeth and forced a cold laugh, saying, "You're telling me, I'm the one who had to spend most of the summer with that blood-traitor."

At the Slytherin table at mealtimes, when Snape or another 4th year Slytherin would make a sly comment about Sirius and his friends, Regulus would scowl and nod, saying "He doesn't even deserve the name of Black, I'm embarrassed to call him my brother."

These tactics seemed to work, as, for the first time since the first of September, the other Slytherins seemed to lose interest in taunting him. Some older students even began to acknowledge him in the corridors, or nod to him as he passed in the common room. By this, Regulus concluded that he had passed some sort of unspoken test, and that the Slytherins had finally decided that he was one of them, and began to treat him accordingly.

Nevertheless, at night, lying in his four-poster bed with his curtains drawn around him, Regulus would stare up at the ceiling, echoes of his words playing over in his head. Did I really say all those things? He asked himself, feeling both revolted and scared.

Another small voice would pipe up, then, reminding him, You're just surviving. He's got it good for himself, Sirius, with his Gryffindor friends. He doesn't know what you have to go through. You don't owe him anything.

Regulus wasn't sure if he really believed it. As he rolled over on his side in his bed, he drew the pillow over his head in habit, then stopped himself. The screaming was in his own head this time, and he couldn't drown it out, or make it go away.

Still, as he stared over at the Gryffindor table the next morning, looking at Sirius, who was laughing with James Potter and Marlene McKinnon, he tried to convince himself again that he was doing the right thing. Sirius would never know about the measures he had gone to fit in in Slytherin House, anyway, so what did it matter? Still, the little voice in his head begged, over and over again: Please forgive me, Sirius. Please don't hate me for trying to survive.