"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."
Yoda, Episode III
10
Acceptance
I spent the next two days locked in a small cell. The plain room simply had a long bench on one side and a small toilet area on the other. The sunken lights above routinely dimmed for the night and day cycles. For the most part, I meditated and practiced poses to keep my mind busy and distracted.
Every few hours, a guard would push a slice of bread and a bowl of water through the one-way slot on my door. It kept me from going hungry, but it didn't give me the energy that I craved. I supposed that was intentional.
On the evening of the second day, just after the lights began to dim, the lock on my door clanked open. Scrambling to my feet, I lifted my hands to defend myself. Two Stormtroopers clamored in, one holding a pair of binders and one holding a blaster. The first one gestured for me to turn around. I obeyed reluctantly, knowing that I couldn't avoid blaster fire at such short range. After restraining me, they left the room.
When I turned around, I noticed a black, spherical droid had entered. It was on the small side as droids go—probably twice the size of my head—and hovered above the door silently. The longer I looked, the more I realized that this droid was designed to inflict pain. A syringe of green fluid was fixed to its side, as well as various sharp pincers and arms. Its one, red eye gazed at me with eerie silence. Soon after, it began to approach me.
I lifted my leg with the intention to kick the droid away from me. An arc of electricity shot out from one of the pincers, causing me to shout as pain seared up my leg and through my torso. I stumbled back into the rear wall and tried to catch my breath as the smell of singed fabric filled the room.
The droid approached again. This time, it extended the syringe in the blink of an eye and injected the contents into my shoulder. I cried out at the burning pain at the injection site, feeling a stab of fear that it could be poison of some sort. The burning sensation spread through my veins like liquid fire. I dropped to the ground, pressing my face into the cold metal there, and squeezed my eyes shut. Force—be with me!
Am I ready to die?
Master Luke often said that Jedi never die. Rather, their lifeforce returns to the Cosmic Force, the source of all life in the Galaxy. But...where would my consciousness, my self, be?
Gone?
That thought and many others began to slip through the cracks of my mind like sand. I didn't care whether I lived or died—in fact, I didn't care about anything at all. Blinking through my suddenly blurry vision, I rolled myself onto my knees and laughed. What was I so worried about a moment ago?
Everything is fine!
The door snapped open again. Ben stepped through the narrow doorway, his wide frame easily recognizable even with my impaired vision. He looked down at me with a pitiful gaze as the door closed behind him. It warmed my heart that he thought to visit me.
"Ben," I breathed, staggering to my feet. "It's so good to see you."
"Sit down, Pax," he said, gesturing to the bench with a gloved hand. "You're tired."
My restlessness had fallen away, replaced by tiredness. "Thanks." I slumped down onto the metal surface without a second thought. Ben just stood in the small space of my cell and looked at me with a strangely pained expression. "What's wrong?" I asked him.
"Nothing," he mumbled. He was certainly acting strange. "There are some things I need you to tell me."
"Like what?" I blinked to clear my double vision without success.
Ben finally met my eye. "I need you to tell me what my mother is planning, and where my uncle is."
His unusual behavior and tone of voice made me think something was wrong. "Just ask them yourself," I encouraged him.
"Pax." Ben's voice grew demanding. "Tell me where my uncle is."
I squinted at him in surprise. Something is wrong. My instincts jumped to full alert. Something is wrong with me.
"Answer me," Ben implored.
I dropped my head in exasperation. My mind felt as though it was filled with cotton. I groaned when I realized what had happened. "What was that drug, Ben?"
"Never mind that." He placed his fingers under my chin and pulled my head up. When I looked at him, his eyes were warm and friendly. "You're fine."
Leaning away from his grasp, I shook my head. "No…" I closed my eyes, using the Force to sharpen my mind. Like clouds lifting, my complicit thoughts cleared away. To keep them at bay took a great amount of effort.
Ben's anger lashed out at me like tongues of fire. "Don't resist," he barked. "You won't like the consequences."
I gazed up at him with a mask of determination. "I won't tell you anything."
His lip curled as he said, "You're a fool for taking her side."
I grasped for a response while continuing to hold the effects of the drug at bay. Unable to think of anything, I simply shrugged.
In a fit of rage, Ben pulled me to my feet by the front of my shirt and shook me twice. A spike of fear stuck me before I had a chance to contain it. When he spoke, I felt his breath on my face. "One day, I will become so powerful with the Dark Side that I will be able to read your very thoughts," he spat, gritting his teeth.
My hands clenched and unclenched behind me, powerless to use the Force to defend myself. I had nothing to say.
After releasing me, Ben maintained his fiery glare as he stepped back. I stood shakily before him, still straining to resist the chemicals in my system. He didn't seem to notice my struggle. "Do you doubt me?"
My breath hitched in my throat at the odd question. Sensing his twisted feelings of resignment stronger than ever, I had no reason to doubt his commitment to the Dark Side. "No," I replied.
Ben's indignant smirk burned itself into my mind's eye. Leia had been wrong—he was too far gone. Perhaps not from her reach, but certainly from mine.
"Good," he said. "Now…" He gestured to the droid hovering in the corner, and I flinched away. Controlling my emotions and resisting the drug at the same time proved virtually impossible.
"Don't do this," I said with a sliver of fear. The droid extended an electrically charged pincer towards me. I looked around frantically, but there was nowhere to run.
"I'll be back for those answers," Ben said stoically. The door opened with just enough time for him to slip through.
Whirling back towards the droid, I screamed when the electricity ignited every nerve in my body.
...
The mornings after being interrogated, I felt physically restrained to the floor. Nothing held me there besides pure exhaustion. When the cell door would inevitably slide open again, I would often try to enter a meditative, protective trance. Ben never entered the room while the droid tortured me, but immediately after he would ask the same questions over and over again. I eventually became so tired and passive that restraints were unnecessary.
I often replayed Master Luke's old lessons in my mind.
Let go, Pax. Let go.
Days, or perhaps months, passed.
On a particular morning, Ben entered my cell alone. It was unusual to see him before the droid. I lacked the energy to react at all, so I remained lying on the floor. Ben sat on the bench above me, a shadowy figure in my peripheral. His voice was crystal clear in my ears.
"My Master grows tired of this."
Ah.
My lips moved to form words, but no sound left them.
"He thinks I'm delaying the inevitable."
I slowly summoned the strength to roll onto my side and push myself up on an elbow. Lifting a trembling hand, I pressed my palm to my sweaty forehead. I need to eat. I turned my head towards my morning bread and water.
"He's right," Ben continued. "I don't want to kill you."
Ben's useless words fell through the air like debris through space. After taking a small sip of water, I cleared my throat with difficulty. "Honestly," I croaked, "it would be a mercy."
A long period of silence followed, with Ben clearly deep in his thoughts. I ate slowly, knowing the limitations of my stomach. I didn't bother to look back at him.
"The real mercy would be you coming to your senses." Ben's voice was muffled as though his mouth was covered. "You're tormenting me."
Despite his hypocrisy, my expressionless face didn't move an inch. I felt nothing but peace.
"My Master was wrong about you. I know you can turn." A quiet sob interrupted his words. "If you'd just...please…"
I swallowed carefully as I listened to his childish plea. He and I both knew my fate; one of us denied it, one of us accepted it.
"Please..," he went on. His ragged breathing sounded like thunder in the quiet space.
I glanced over my shoulder to find Ben hunched over with his face cradled in his hands. It was a pitiful sight. "You may steal my freedom; you may torture me..." I drew in a breath to release a tight sigh. "But I will not turn."
Ben sniffed as he turned his face away from my view. "Then I will do what I must," he said without conviction.
After that, we sat in silence for many minutes—perhaps our last moments together forever. My thoughts meandered back to memories of Ben Solo, both terrible and fond, until he silently left some time later.
Trying to jump back into this story to finish it. Thanks for reading! -Scarlet