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Butterfly and Moth
Chapter 10 – The Night that Never Happened
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Tobirama's body froze for a moment as he tried to make sense of Akari's actions. He grabbed her wrist, and pulled away from her, and from her lips.
"What are you doing?" It was the first time there was truly anger in his voice.
The kiss had been brief, but it was enough to leave a lasting sensation. A slight tickle remained on his lips that he tried to brush away with the back of his hand.
Akari grew smaller as his disapproval reached her. Her eyes reflected the light of the fire still burning in the chimney, but she hastily averted them.
Silence returned between them. Not the relaxing and peaceful one, but a silence that was full of tension. Akari didn't leave nor speak. She stood there staring at his feet, waiting for him to say something. But Tobirama had nothing to say.
"Whatever that was, let's just pretend it never happened." It was the best his brain could come up with.
A frown formed on her lips again as she pressed them together. The expression he had seen so often in the last few days. But this time it was accompanied by a look on her face he hadn't seen before.
She pushed past him and sat down in front of the fire.
Tobirama was lost. He couldn't understand.
The same spot he'd sat on before, right to Akari's right side, suddenly seemed inappropriate, too close. So he kept standing there, staring at her back.
Eventually, he said, "We should go to sleep. It's gotten late."
She ignored him. It was a behaviour he wasn't used to.
"Akari," he tried again. "Go to bed. The floor's still cold even in front of the fire. We have a long way to go tomorrow."
"You take the bed if you want to sleep that badly," she shortly replied. Her arms were wrapped around her bare legs, and half her face buried somewhere between them. He could see that she was sulking. Yet it still made no sense.
"Fine," he said, mostly to have a reason to get away from her. He lay down and vanished under the blanket. The cover it provided felt reassuring, as reassuring as a blanket could be at least. He couldn't bear to look at her. It stirred up his mind.
He turned left, and right, and left again, then closed his eyes while lying on his back. But sleep wouldn't come to him.
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Tobirama couldn't tell how many hours passed, or if an hour passed at all. He couldn't tell whether he'd been asleep at times or not. His mind was racing, couldn't find any rest. It kept skipping through the events of the last three days, and it all led to the kiss, over and over.
He massaged his eyelids. It barely helped his state of mind. He was still searching for a rational reason for Akari's behaviour. She couldn't possibly be interested in him romantically. They barely knew each other. And she was the Hyuuga heiress, his brother's student. There was absolutely nothing rational about it.
A peek at her told him that she was still awake, still sitting in front of the fire. The crackling of the burning wood was the only sound in the room.
Silence prevailed. Until Akari sneezed.
The sudden noise tore Tobirama away from his thoughts. He rose, looked at her, and then threw his blanket down at her. She vanished beneath it.
"I told you to not get sick," he grumbled, then turned away from her before she could pull the blanket off her head. He faced the wall next to the bed, and could only wonder what expression she was wearing now.
He stared at the little cracks in the wood and the unique patterns of the logs. Until he heard her move and stand up.
"I want to apologise," she said.
He turned to her, sat up again. But just looking at her confused him. She was standing there, wrapped into the blanket.
"About earlier, I'm sorry that… I don't know why -"
"It's fine," he interrupted her. As much as his mind wanted to hear an explanation for that kiss, a rationalization that made sense, he was too afraid of what she might say. So clumsily, he said, "I don't want to talk about it. I told you, let's just forget it happened."
His words seemed to physically hit her, and she swayed back before straightening herself. "Right," she said weakly. "It never happened."
She waited for him to say something again, but the conversation was over for Tobirama. All he had to do was to fall asleep, and the next day, they would return to Konoha. And finally, he'd be able to continue with his life. All of this would be left behind and forgotten.
"Do you want to lie down?" He was ready to leave the bed to her.
"No!" she blurted out before he could even move. "Please, stay. I'm not really tired." She paused. "Are you? Tired?"
He thought about lying, but somehow, his lips chose to answer truthfully. "Not really."
She nodded. "Do you want to continue talking for a bit?"
"There is nothing to talk about."
"No, I mean, we were talking earlier. About your mother and the conflict between Senju and Uchiha. I'm sorry I interrupted our conversation. I…" She grabbed the blanket that lay over her shoulders tighter. "I'd like to continue from there if you don't mind. After all, nothing happened between us after that. Right?"
He stayed quiet. He couldn't appreciate the way she twisted his words. Obviously they couldn't just continue like nothing had happened. Her actions did not magically disappear or change just because he wished they did. He wondered whether Akari regretted it as well. She had to, looking at the way her eyes could barely meet his.
She sat down on the floor again, next to the bed this time, and leaned against it. Tobirama could only see the back of her head.
"It's fine if you'd rather go to sleep. I just wanted to pass some time talking, really."
Tobirama was not in the mood to talk. But there really wasn't much to do except for sleep or talk, or continue to sit there in silence. And he couldn't go to sleep because it gave his mind too much time to think.
So he chose to stay quiet and let Akari do the talking.
"It must be hard, losing most of your family."
He didn't reply nor react in any way, so Akari decided to tell him about her own life.
"My mother got killed in a conflict between clans as well. I was five when it happened. Of course, they wanted the Byakugan. I barely remember anything about her. Just some stupid etiquette on how to behave properly that she taught me. But picturing her actual face has become pretty hard."
Her voice sounded a bit husky. He couldn't tell whether it was because she was nervous or tired, or if she was actually getting sick.
She turned around to him and rested arms and head on the edge of the bed. "What about you? Do you remember a lot about your mother? I'm sure you must have inherited her looks."
Her violet iris glowed golden in the orange light of the fire.
"No, I don't," he lied.
"I see," she said with a hint of disappointment in her voice. "Well, I guess if my mother hadn't been killed that day, my clan would have never joined Konoha. I'd be in Kirigakure right now, not here. A weird thought, isn't it?" It sounded more like she was talking to herself. Her head was still resting on her arms as she stared into nothingness. "I guess you and I would only ever fight on opposite sides. Who knows, maybe instead of rescuing me, you'd get the mission to kill me. Or kidnap me."
"Do you always talk this much?"
Silence ensued. Then she giggled, which took him aback. It wasn't something he'd expected.
"Actually, I don't. Usually I'm the one asking Inori that question." A soft smile stayed on her lips. "I'm sorry. I'm just trying to make us both forget about… earlier. But I guess nothing ever happened, so maybe I should really just shut up."
Tobirama crossed his arms at the passive-aggressive intonation she used for the last sentence. He couldn't help a frown.
"Then why'd you do it in the first place?" He hadn't planned on talking about this again. But part of him was burning to know. "Why kiss me?"
Akari looked at him again. Her lips slightly parted in surprise. She shrugged and took her time to answer. "I don't know. I just felt like it."
"You just felt like it?"
"It's not that big of a deal, is it?" She smiled at him. "It was just a kiss."
He couldn't quite trust his ears. She didn't strike him as that kind of girl. Then again, most of what he knew about her he had from Hashirama's stories or from their journey over the last three days.
She sneezed again. Once. Twice.
He was not convinced, yet decided that maybe it was best to just let it go. After all, in less than 24 hours they would go their separate ways again. And the reason why she kissed him wouldn't matter anymore. They could both just forget about it.
So he decided to move on. "Cold?"
She got up. "The fire has become smaller, I'll put some more wood on it."
He watched as she wobbled over to the pile of wood with the blanket wrapped around her.
When she turned around again, their eyes met.
They looked at each other for a while. Then, Tobirama said, "You really shouldn't sleep on the floor."
"Are you inviting me into bed?" She smiled again. It was a cheeky smile that somehow didn't fit her well.
"I'll leave the bed to you."
She didn't move and shook her head instead. "You already gave me the blanket. And your pullover. I won't accept more."
He kept looking at her. If she was not Akari, if she was one of his own students, he would not think twice about simply sharing the bed. It was big enough. He wouldn't bat an eye sleeping next to Hiruzen or Danzo, and everyone knew that Kagami always liked to snuggle up on his teammates during sleep.
"I'll keep sitting here then. You can have the rest of the bed."
The blush on her face that was visible even in the damp orange light almost immediately brought doubts to his mind. He didn't look at her as she sat down at the other end of the bed.
"Are you not cold?" she asked, wrapped in the blanket.
"I barely ever get cold. Land of Frost genes, I assume."
She nodded, but then grew quiet. Her chattiness was gone, and he wondered whether this made her feel uncomfortable.
In the end, Akari wasn't like his team. She had kissed him.
"Let's go to sleep. I'm tired after all." He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. It didn't matter whether she was in the same bed as him or not, he told himself. Tomorrow, they would be back in Konoha. All of this would be forgotten.
But again, sleep wouldn't come, no matter how hard he tried to force his body to relax and feel tired.
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When Tobirama opened his eyes again, Akari was still sitting at the same spot, arms wrapped around her legs. Her head rested on her knees. She was still awake as well.
She glanced up at him, and their eyes met once more.
This time Tobirama looked away.
"Long night today," he murmured, somehow feeling forced to say something after all.
It irritated him when she didn't respond.
"Are you still cold?" He tried again with a question.
She raised her head and slightly straightened. "I thought you wanted to sleep."
She was right. That's what he'd said. That's what his mind wanted to do. But somehow, the rest of his body was wide awake.
"You can lie down here if you want to sleep. I can sit at the end of the bed instead. I slept on your back today, so I might as well hold watch."
He almost immediately declined, but it was too late. Akari was already sitting next to him, just far enough away that their shoulders wouldn't touch.
"I can't sleep," he admitted when she waited for him to lie down.
"Neither can I."
They were sitting next to each other, both leaning against the wall behind them.
"Does it bother you if I sit here?" she eventually asked.
"Why would it bother me?" It was a statement, not a question. Tobirama was still set on treating her like a normal teammate. So he pretended there was nothing wrong at all about their situation, despite his palms being all sweaty.
He wiped them on his pants. Meanwhile Akari was fiddling around with his fur.
She offered it back to him as a cushion, but he refused. So she tucked it into her arms like a stuffed animal.
Tobirama shifted his weight around in an attempt to find a more comfortable sitting position. He wasn't very successful.
"Are you looking forward to being back in Konoha soon?" she asked.
"Of course," he said. "I'm sure your father is going crazy because Hashirama returned without you."
She smiled at him. "Is that what you are looking forward to? Dropping me off at my father's?"
"That's what I came to do after all. To bring you back."
She nodded, but did not seem too convinced. "I've prayed to be back in Konoha as quickly as possible for the last three days. But now that I am here, I somehow wouldn't mind staying another day. A cabin in the woods is quite charming, isn't it?" She looked around. "Well, let's say it would be charming if there were less spider webs and dust."
Tobirama subconsciously followed her glances. They ended on the window, the one with the moth. The animal was still resting on the glass, waiting for a chance to get closer to the light it desired so much.
"Maybe that's why I'm not tired. Part of me doesn't want to return to my life just yet." She squeezed the fur tighter. There was a heavy air about her, one she quickly brushed off. She continued in a more cheerful tone. "What's the first thing you are going to do once we are back?"
"As I said, drop you off in my brother's office. Check if everyone made it back safely. And then, have a look at all the paperwork on my desk. I'm sure there'll be plenty of new documents that need my attention."
She stared at him with big eyes before breaking into a small laugh. "Paperwork, are you serious? That's just sad."
"How? It's my work."
"Some would say it's a miracle that we made it out of the Land of Earth without a major incident. And the first thing you want to do when we get back is work?"
"It wasn't a miracle," he dryly replied. "We had a good plan and solid execution."
"We had a plan?"
"Sure, you scout, I walk."
"Oh, so it was a team-effort then?" There was a slight grin on her lips, and she spoke almost like she was teasing him.
He rose a brow at her, not quite understanding what she was trying to imply. "Of course it was a team-effort."
Her eyes grew bigger as she stared at him with genuine surprise written all over face.
"Really?"
He still couldn't understand. "Yes. I doubt it would have been as easy without your Byakugan. Does that honestly surprise you?"
A smile followed, one that reached up all the way to her eyes.
"A bit, yes. I was worried you'd only see me as a mission. And a burden. You know, someone who bumps into you in fights and falls into rivers." She looked at him again, the smile still on her face. "Thank you."
It felt like the first time Tobirama truly saw her smile. This smile was sincere, and bright.
He looked away. He wasn't sleepy, yet his mind felt tired and exhausted. Just sitting next to her was exhausting.
He could feel her lean into him just a bit. It was enough for their shoulders to touch. He wondered whether she was aware of how close they were, whether this was all intentional on her part.
Tobirama closed his eyes, took a deep breath. The next day, they would be back in Konoha.
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"Would you want to be a moth? If you could?"
Her voice almost startled him. It came out of nowhere after another span of silence. And with her still just so slightly leaning into him, her voice was close.
It led Tobirama to believe that he must have misheard the absurd question. "Excuse me?" he asked to clarify. But her eyes were fixated on the moth. It was nothing more than a small shadow on the window.
"It has to feel so freeing to have wings that can take you anywhere."
He snorted. "Yes, straight into the next campfire. I'd rather not."
She moved away from him a bit as she straightened herself. Tobirama noticed the exact moment their shoulders lost touch.
"At least they die reaching what they desired all along. It's tragic, and bittersweet. But maybe I'd like to be a moth."
"Right," he said, sounding fairly unimpressed. "Want me to put out the fire so that you don't kill yourself right away?"
She laughed at his words. It was a sweet laugh. Small and short, but also sincere.
Talking to her felt relieving. It stopped his mind from spinning.
She was observing him, staring almost. "Do I have something stuck to my face?" he asked, because asking was easier than allowing his mind to wonder again.
"Do you regret the kiss?"
Her words felt like a punch in the stomach. "This again?"
"That's the last question I will ask for tonight. I just want to know, assuming that no one will ever learn of it. Assuming that once we leave this cabin, the kiss has never happened. Under those conditions, do you regret the kiss?"
Tobirama couldn't answer. It was like his mind refused to comprehend her words. All he could do was stare at her lips. The ones that kissed him.
Her face moved closer to his, her hand rested on his thigh.
"If, when the sun rises, this night is forgotten and never happened, would you regret kissing me again?"
He couldn't say. Part of him clearly did. Part of him screamed that yes, it was wrong, and should never happen. But he couldn't find his voice.
His hesitation was enough of an answer for Akari. And then her lips were on his again for another kiss.
It was short, just like the first time. But softer. Tobirama never pulled away, never forcefully grabbed her wrist, never yelled at her.
She was still so close he could feel her breath brush his lips as she said, "Let's just pretend that all this isn't happening."
Tobirama opened his mouth to speak, but she already pressed another kiss onto his lips. This time, he did more than just not stop her. He kissed her back, and the kiss grew longer.
Slowly, his muscles relaxed.
Kissing her wasn't bad. It made his mind go blank. And after the last few hours of his mind feverishly racing to find answers and explanations, he needed just that. He needed to not think. He needed this feeling that her lips left on his.
Her hands moved to his cheeks again before vanishing in his hair. She held him tight, and close, almost as though she was afraid he'd slip away.
Tobirama kept his hands to himself, until finally, a spark of sense returned to him and he pushed her shoulders back, trying to let her know this would not continue.
"I can't," he said. "We can't just pretend this isn't happening."
"I don't know what you are talking about. We aren't doing anything, are we?"
She seemed amused, but he was not.
"You are my brother's student. You are the heiress of the Hyuuga family. You are-"
She pressed a finger onto his lips to shut him up. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand away from his face, somewhat angry at the way she forcefully interrupted him.
"What are you even trying to do?" His voice was just one step away from yelling again.
Her lips that felt soft against his just a moment ago turned into a hard and fierce frown. Just looking at her made him tighten his grip until she eventually pulled away from him.
Tobirama's body was tense again.
"You keep going on and on about who I am. Who cares? No one can prove that the moon does not vanish when no one's looking at it."
The last part was a ridiculous claim to Tobirama that his mind was ready to argue against, despite being all irritated about the situation he was in.
But the air around Akari changed too suddenly, and it drew his attention back to her. Her supposed carefreeness was gone, and so was the frown on her face. A sober look was all that remained.
"All that should matter is whether you want this or not."
Tobirama snorted.
"For one night, I want to not be Akari Hyuuga. So stop mentioning my father and clan, and your brother. They are not here. They don't matter. If there is a moment to forget who we are for once, it's now."
He couldn't stand the way she looked at him with eyes full of expectations. Glowing eyes he couldn't take his own off of.
She gave Tobirama a moment to consider her words, but Tobirama could not consider at all. The taste of her kiss still lingered on his tongue.
Her voice was no more than a whisper when she said, "If you really don't want this, then just say so. I won't be mad. But don't reject me because of my name. Please."
Tobirama swallowed. He wished he didn't.
It was him who moved his face closer to hers. Slowly, still subconsciously waiting for some bigger force that would stop him. But there was none.
His nose reached hers, and their lips soon followed. They kissed, and kept kissing.
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Their kisses grew hot and needy. And the more they pressed their lips and bodies together, the more comfortable they were with being close. Still, they barely moved and stuck to the part of their bodies they slowly felt familiar with.
Tobirama's hands rested on her hips, on top of his own pullover she was wearing. They were frozen in place. Until she took them and guided them beneath the fabric. Her skin was warm, and soft.
He stopped again.
"Where is this going?" he asked breathless in between kisses. He turned his face away from her to wait for an answer. Her lips met his ear instead. Something, he realised quickly, that didn't exactly put him in a better spot. He felt her breath against his skin, softly tickling. Goosebumps ran down his neck and arm.
Akari too stopped, and straightened herself. She answered by pulling his pullover over her head. For a moment, she kept holding it in front of her to cover herself.
Tobirama looked away. "I don't think this is a good idea."
"Neither do I." Her cheeks were red with embarrassment. But instead of putting the pullover back on, she threw it to the side.
She sat in front of him, naked. Her eyes she shyly averted as she was nervously biting her lower lip. "But I still want to," she finally added.
Tobirama swallowed again. His throat felt dry. He didn't struggle as she softly took his hand into hers, and pulled him with her like a gentle breeze blowing him into her direction.
If only one of his muscles had resisted, her pull would not have been enough. He would have stopped. Instead she lay down on her back, and he found himself on top of her.
Tobirama didn't know what he was doing, but he knew it felt good.
He couldn't stop kissing her. He couldn't stop running his hand up her body, to her breasts.
Only when Akari's hands moved to his pants and started pulling them down did Tobirama stop once more. He was out of breath, his heart beat violently. He pushed himself up, looked at her.
"I can't," he gasped. "Your father would kill me if -"
Again, her finger moved to his mouth. This time, she barely touched him, but it was enough to interrupt Tobirama from speaking. She softly brushed over his lips, which almost made him forget what he'd wanted to say.
"If there is one person I don't want you to talk about while lying on top of me naked, it is my father," she said, as she moved her hands to his hips again and pulled down his pants.
She smiled as she pushed herself up to him to continue the kissing. "Don't worry," she said, pressing a soft kiss on his lips. "He will never know. I promise."
There was something about her that was drawing him in. The golden shimmer of her eyes was like a light attracting him. That and the rest of her naked body that she pressed against his.
And like that, Tobirama decided to give in. Just that one night.
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Tobirama woke up with the first rays of sunlight. It was a quick awakening. One second he was sleeping, the next his eyes shot open with a sense of shock and urgency, feeling like he had slept too long, too deep.
His first sensation was his dry mouth and lips. The fire had heated up the small cabin too much, and the air was hot and stifling. His head hurt. He wanted to get water, open the windows.
His next sensation was the weight of Akari's head on his shoulder that kept him from getting up.
Memories returned. His body froze.
Akari was still lying next to him. She was still naked, so was he.
Tobirama swallowed. His chest felt heavy. He ran his free hand over his forehead and eyes, hid under it for just a moment. He prayed for his memories to be false somehow, but the proof lay in his arms, snuggled against his chest.
He almost moaned in frustration but didn't want to wake Akari. He couldn't face her. He wasn't sure whether he ever could.
His heart almost stopped when her head moved. She scratched her cheek and slowly opened her eyes.
Tobirama was ready for a thunderstorm to reach the cabin and lighting to strike him. He expected her to be angry. And he couldn't face that completely naked. He couldn't stay right next to her.
So he jumped out of the bed to grab his pants. He rushed them on so hastily he almost fell over. When he turned to Akari again, she was sitting on the bed, covering herself with the blanket.
To his utmost surprise, she was smiling at him. It was a shy smile, but a smile nonetheless.
"Good morning," she said.
"Good morning," he answered, baffled.
"I guess my dress should be dry again. Could you give it to me?" she asked.
"Yes, of course," he said. He handed it to her and turned away so she could change.
Once dressed, Akari started making the bed and collected the sheets they had put on the floor. Tobirama watched her, still unsure what was going on.
"We spent the night here. The least we can do is tidy up a bit," she explained when she noticed his doubtful looks.
"No one's living here anymore. So how does it matter?"
"I don't expect you to help." She carefully folded the blanket and put it on the bed. Tobirama's pullover was still lying there. She took it, shook it out, then offered it to him. "Thank you for letting me wear it."
He couldn't meet her eyes as he took it back. He put it on again, but it felt weird, strange, like it wasn't his own anymore.
Tobirama put on his armor as well, hoping he'd feel more like himself again. Akari kept cleaning. He wanted to talk to her, but couldn't find the words. He hoped she would start the conversation. But she didn't.
Eventually, she went outside to wash her face.
Tobirama remained behind, and slumped into a chair. His elbows rested on the table, his face he covered with his palms like a troubled man.
He was still sitting like that when she returned. And only sat up straight again when he noticed she stood next to him, waiting. A sigh left him.
"Listen, about last night…" He stopped to search for the right words. He'd gone over what to say ever since they woke up. But there were hardly any words to express how he felt.
"We don't have to talk about it. After all, we agreed this never happened. Right?" Akari spoke calm and collected, and it irritated him. She took the Hiraishin kunai and water bottle to pack them away, acting like really nothing had happened.
"So you were being serious when you said that no one will know of this?"
"Of course. You said it yourself, my father would kill you if he knew." She smiled mockingly.
Tobirama did not feel like joking at all.
She noticed his tenseness, and her expression grew more serious as well. "We will both keep quiet about this. And no one will find out." She tried to reassure him while keeping her distance.
There was this invisible wall between them now that kept them apart, one that neither of them dared to even approach.
When Tobirama eventually nodded and got up to leave, they stood there awkwardly for a while.
He didn't offer to carry her, while she suddenly waited for a permission she had never needed before.
"So, we are leaving for Konoha now?" she asked after a moment of uncomfortable silence.
"Yes." He pointed at his back. "I guess we should…"
"Yes," she agreed and stepped closer to let herself get carried.
Tobirama's heart sank as he felt her weight on his back. He tried to swallow his doubts and memories away when she wrapped her arms around him. But he knew he'd made a mistake. One that surely would have consequences, even if Akari tried her best to make light of it.
They left the cabin behind. They left the night they had spent together behind. And neither spoke to the other.
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The hours passed slowly. Tobirama's mind was too occupied, even though he tried to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. For a long time, he sprinted with Akari on his back, despite his body being exhausted. But he wanted to get back to Konoha as quickly as possible. He couldn't spend another night together with her.
Communication they kept to a minimum. Sometimes she would ask him whether they should take a break. Other times he'd ask her whether she was thirsty.
Until eventually, the sun stood far in the west, and Tobirama stopped.
"We are close enough for me to use the Hiraishin. I can teleport us straight into my brother's office."
She slid down his back to stand on her own. She seemed confused, so he added, "I figured you'd prefer that over me carrying you all the way through the village."
She nodded, and straightened her dress. Their eyes met, and for a moment, they watched each other's facial expression, searching for any hints that might give the other away.
There was none. Keeping emotions locked away was a skill they had both been taught well.
Akari asked him to take a moment to match their accounts of the journey. They decided that everything happened the way it did, except for the last night. Akari never fell into the river, Tobirama never offered her his pullover, and he slept on the floor of the cabin alone like he had intended to in the first place.
"I'm ready then," she said.
Tobirama couldn't help a sigh as he held out his hand to her. She stared at it in confusion, repulsion almost.
"You have to give me your hand for the Hiraishin to work," he explained.
"Oh, right." She too took a deep breath, bracing herself for their return.
She placed her hand into his, and he held onto her just so slightly.
"Ready?" he asked again just to make sure.
Akari nodded, then averted her eyes from him. From now on, one glance could give them away.
A moment later, they were back in Konoha. In the Hokage office, back to their old lives.
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