I couldn't decide whether to upload this or Chapter 6 of Y&B today... Meh. I guess both. Thanks so much for all of the awesome reviews, as well as favourites and follows. You guys continue to make me feel like a rock star. :P Arawyn Pryde and Didi both asked about an EPOV chapter coming up, and I can't reply to either, so I'll let you know here that the next Interlude is Chapter 14, so not long! Maybe Tuesday or Wednesday? And that run on sentence reminds me to thank my super awesome and wonderful beta, ilovemysteries. :P

Chapter 12

Penance and Atonement

I woke the next morning not long after I fell asleep. It was 5:30. Lights on back at Fort Meade. I tried to get back to sleep, afraid that Eric would be angry if I wasn't properly rested for our mission tonight.

And then I realized what a crock of shit that was. I mean, pissing him off for shits and giggles wasn't prudent; I didn't want to go back to the status quo, that was for damn sure. And I could certainly play politics and mind my Ps and Qs when it was to further my own goals. But I wasn't going to start walking on eggshells to make sure Master's every whim was appeased.

Fuck Eric. I hated how grateful I felt to him. How my stomach tightened and my heart rate quickened and my breath caught in my throat every time I saw him. I hated how already I craved his praise and his approval and his affection. Even worse, I hated that I craved his touch. How in the fuck had that happened? More than anything, I hated how small and alone and scared I felt.

I needed to pull my shit together. Less than two weeks since I'd turned 18 and my strict routine had dissolved. I definitely didn't want the Building H status quo, but I was already getting soft. Undisciplined. Lazy. Ruled by my emotions. No wonder Eric was so pissed off when I was sound asleep outside in the middle of my work day. I should be ashamed of myself. I deserved it.

I got out of bed and did my morning routine. I did four sets of the exercises instead of the normal one to make up for the days I'd skipped. I stretched my telepathy as far as I could, and read what I could from the neighbours. Most were still asleep, but a couple were starting their day. I had no oatmeal, but I scrambled my eggs until they were rubbery and washed them down with a protein shake. I wrote oatmeal on the list.

Eric had left a note beside it.

Miss Stackhouse,

We will be leaving tonight at 10:30. Please wear the dress hanging on the back of your bathroom door. I look forward to seeing you this evening.

~e~

I ignored every good feeling the note made me feel. I went out the front door and started running, headed west. Eric had mentioned that we weren't far from Rock Creek Park, and I found it easily - it was huge and hard to miss. I spent the morning running the more difficult trails, pushing myself when nobody was around to see and I had the privacy to really let go.

I ran back home, and felt every mile I'd run by the time I got there. I steamed chicken and broccoli, and choked it down with another disgusting shake.

I spent the afternoon and early evening between the pool and the dojo, building up a sweat with the weapons and martial arts exercises, and then cooling off swimming endless laps, pushing myself to go faster and harder. Penance for letting down my guard. I should know by now that I will never survive if I allow myself to soften.

I roasted chicken and broccoli the way Maria Star liked to, and it was actually kind of delicious. I drank the shake with it, and realized that my whole body felt like there was an electric current running through it. I was going on less than two hours' sleep, I had pushed and punished my body for hours, but I still felt like I could climb a mountain.

I was standing in the kitchen in my bikini adding chicken and broccoli to the list when Eric came in. His hair was damp and loose, he was shirtless and his button was undone and the fly was half open. A marble statue of a Norse god in Seven jeans, come to life. All of the heat in my body rushed between my thighs. Based on how my mouth and bikini bottoms felt, so did all of the moisture. His expression went from preoccupation to surprise to heat. His eyes raked down my body the way mine had just done to him, and then they met mine. I wondered if my pupils were as dilated as his. Electricity seemed to crackle between us.

He pulled his eyes from mine and walked over to the fridge. I blinked, and shook myself out of whatever the fuck that was. He pulled open the door, stared inside, and then turned as he slammed it closed. He had a hard look on his face, and his fangs were down again. Any lust I was sure I'd seen was long gone. "Why are three of your blood shakes gone?"

It was like a bucket of cold water had been dumped on my head. Shit. I had been so intent on getting myself back on track that I hadn't even thought about the stronger blood and the potential for taking too much. I did not make stupid mistakes like this. Ever. "I… I was concerned that my lack of discipline would make me soft. I've been lazy and unmotivated. I put myself back on my schedule as much as possible, and since I'd always had three..." I trailed off. I hated how small and weak I sounded.

I dropped to my knees with my wrists touching behind my back, and tilted my head back to expose my throat, as I had been taught, to await my punishment. I wasn't always so submissive, but if I truly fucked up, I owned it. Every time. The NSA and I weren't always on the same page of what constituted a fuck up and what didn't, though, and it had given me a bit of a reputation for disobedience.

Eric's jaw tightened. "The vampire blood in your vitamin shakes generally comes from vampires who have been sentenced to their final death. They are drained first, and the blood is earmarked for medical research.

The longer vampire blood is stored, the more unstable it becomes. Improperly stored vampire blood can be very dangerous, and can cause the user to go insane. But the blood you get is quite fresh, and it is always stored properly. Even in large quantities, it should be safe."

His eyes softened. "Get up. It will be fine. There was no harm done. It was an honest mistake." He opened the fridge again and took out a couple of bags of blood and carried them to the microwave. I had been dismissed.

I got up and slunk back downstairs to the dojo. Most of the floor was covered in mats, but there was a bare strip next to one of the walls. I pulled the largest sword on the wall, a zweihänder, down from its place, and I kneeled on the bare floor. I balanced the sword across my palms, holding it parallel to the floor with my arms straight out and my knuckles facing the floor. I made sure to never let my elbows bend or my hands move. My arms were trembling within minutes, but I could best my weakness. Penance was the word of the day. I closed my eyes and shoved the pain and weakness in a mental box and set it aside. I breathed. The trembling stopped. I counted out 2700 seconds, 45 minutes, and checking the clock when I was done, I was within allowable range. If I was off by 90 seconds or more, I had to do it again. I didn't have time to be wrong tonight.

I nearly stumbled when I stood up and took my first step, but I caught myself and managed to put the sword away and climb back up the stairs. I nodded at Eric, who was leaning against the dojo wall with his arms crossed, watching me again. He had gotten dressed, thank goodness. His eyes still looked soft, but his jaw was clenched again. I couldn't make sense of his expression.

I stood under the shower for a long time with the water as hot as I could stand it. Finally my muscles relaxed enough that I could reach my head to shampoo my hair. The vampire blood in my system was healing the microtears in my muscles as I showered. By the time I was done, my body just felt pleasantly tired. I would feel fine after a bit of a rest.

Eric had explained that vampire blood was much better than steroids at building muscle; when you work out, your muscles get injured. When they heal, they are larger and stronger. V heals the muscles naturally, only at a greatly increased speed. Do that over and over, you can bulk up and get strong really fast. And that's on top of the supernatural strength the blood gives you.

I came out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. Eric was sitting on the edge of my bed. His whole face was soft now. "Sookie, keeping to a routine is fine, as long as you allow for some flexibility. But to integrate into society, you will need to be deinstitutionalized. I am afraid that I have set you up for failure again by not being explicit in my expectations for you."

He stood up and walked over to me. He put both hands on my bare shoulders and squeezed lightly. His hands were cool and dry and his touch was silent. I closed my eyes, actually savoring the physical connection. "Get ready. There will be drinks and dancing. We will talk more on the way."

The dress was a gorgeous Balenciaga cocktail number, in blue again. There was a pink post-it note stuck to the dress inside the garment bag.

Sookie,

I expect to hear all about how sexy you look tonight, so don't disappoint me. Wear the shoes and jewelry I laid out for you.

Hugs and kisses. Please!

Pam

I smiled for the first time that day. I was ready quite quickly, and thought I looked OK. I blow dried my hair and left it loose, and gave myself a smokey eye and dark red lips. The shoes Pam had picked were of the fuck-me variety, and the jewelry was gorgeous but tasteful.

I went back to the kitchen, and it was almost 10:30. I was nervous, but I hid that shit behind a mask of boredom. I pulled the fruit tray from the fridge and nibbled on some strawberries. God, fresh fruit was delightful.

Eric came in wearing a tailored charcoal suit with a black shirt underneath, no tie, and looking like sex on legs. Really long legs. Really long sexy legs. I ate another strawberry to cover up any drool, covered the tray, and stuck it back in the fridge. Fortunately, I couldn't do all of that and stare, so it was really useful.

"Are you ready to go?" He held out his hand and smiled. I guessed we were back to touchy feely. I took his hand and smiled back. It wasn't the crazy smile I had when I was a little girl, back when I gave a shit when people thought poorly of me. It was natural, and I'm afraid it looked a little shy. It felt odd on my face.

We went out to the garage, and he opened the passenger door of the Corvette for me. I got in and Eric closed the door, and was almost immediately climbing into the driver's seat beside me. We pulled out of the driveway and headed toward the exit for the highway.

The traffic wasn't too bad at this time of night, and we were soon cruising along at highway speed. With no more need to shift, Eric laced his fingers with mine, stroking my thumb with his. He caught my eye and smiled. "You look lovely, Sookie."

I realized that that was just the second time he'd used my first name. The first was earlier, after my shower. It gave me a little thrill somehow. "Thank you. You do, too. Look handsome, I mean." And I blushed. I actually fucking blushed, like a fucking 14 year old virgin.

I had been molested sporadically from my earliest memories until I was 8. I was raped regularly from 8-12. I had been celibate for the six years since, unless you counted the experience with Quinn, which I didn't. It wasn't the way most people did things. I was very experienced sexually, but I was a romantic virgin. I had no peers. I hadn't even had a crush since third grade, which I didn't even get to finish. I was fond of Tray, but more in a paternal way than anything else, and the rest were generally abusive or indifferent. Definitely not crush material. Little JB DuRone was a cutie, though.

"You didn't tell me anything about the mission."

He smirked at me. "You didn't give me much of a chance yet today."

Ouch. "I deserved that."

"The mission fell through. We had intel that a terrorist was meeting a contact at the nightclub, but they cancelled at the last minute. I figured that we would go anyway. You need experience doing human things. Going out on a date to a nightclub is a human thing. And a vampire one."

The grin was back. And a date? Did that mean that we were on a date, or was I being trained on how to behave on a hypothetical date? If this were that sitcom I'd watched last night, I would spend the evening making the wrong assumptions and making a fool of myself, and hilarity (and my complete and utter humiliation) would ensue. I was not going to wishy wash my way through the night, though. "What in the fuck do you mean date?" Subtlety wasn't my strong point.

"A platonic evening of drinks and dancing, where we shall observe the behaviour of the young adult human in its natural habitat, while enjoying ourselves immensely." Of course, this was accompanied by a thousand watt grin. Platonic. Right. I could do that. I smiled back at him in relief. Mostly.

I scanned the parking lot, and then the club before we went in. Eric watched me, and he looked completely fascinated. It didn't make me uncomfortable; I was more than used to people watching me. I explained, "I'm just scanning everyone's current thoughts to check for threats. There are a couple hundred people in and around here, all told. I could search each one to see if anyone had weapons, or was planning anything illegal, or if anyone is underage, but it would take a while."

"How long?"

I shrugged. "It depends on how many things I'm looking for, how detailed, the minds of the people involved, stuff like that. I could probably check everyone for concealed weapons only in 20 minutes? A half hour? Maybe a bit more."

We really did enjoy ourselves immensely. Or, at least, I did. He was a wonderful dancer, very hands on, touchy feely, and we danced far more than we sat and talked, although we did a lot of that, too.

We were taking a break from dancing, and I was drinking a gin and tonic. Eric nursed a never-ending (or never-beginning, if you wanted to get technical) glass of red wine. I was quite possibly tipsy. My pulse jumped and Eric looked at me and raised one eyebrow. I leaned over to whisper in his ear, so low that it was barely a breath. "He's here." He leaned back out and looked at me, confused. I rolled my eyes and grabbed his hand and dragged him onto the dance floor. A slow song was on, and I pulled him close to me. With the fuck-me pumps, I was only 6 or 7 inches shorter than him. With a tug on his neck, I was able to hold my mouth right up to his ear. "The terrorist is here. Heydar Al-Ameri?"

Well, by the look on Eric's face, this wasn't a test I just passed. But his surprise turned into a smile that was honestly terrifying and panty-wetting all at the same time. I realized that I had no idea whether, as a vampire agent, Eric arrested bad guys or ate them. I mean, the Constitution guarantees the right to due process and all of that, but fuck knows the NSA wiped their ass with the Constitution when it came to me. I didn't think they followed the rules when they didn't have to. Shocker.

He dipped me low, and then righted me, spinning me around. He tucked my hair behind my ear and then put his closed mouth to my neck, for show, and then up to my ear to whisper back. I shivered, first at the cool, closed lips on my throat, and then at the cool breeze on my ear. "You aren't armed."

"What kind of spy do you think I am?" I mouthed. I took his hand and glided it down so he could feel the garter holster on my right thigh. He slipped his hand up under the dress to feel the throwing knives. I got the closed mouth smirk with a quick lift of his eyebrows. He spun me out to the end of his right arm and back in. Cheeky vampire. At least that left my right hand free to hold my goddamn skirt down to keep the knives hidden. I ran my fingers through his hair to pull his ear down close to my lips again. I wet them before I started to speak, and maybe swiped the shell of his ear with my tongue in the process. This game was fun. "Planning attack on Pentagon. Principals meeting tomorrow night. Warehouse in Bethesda. I have the address."

I pulled back to look in his eyes, to make sure he heard me. Apparently, telepathy turned him on. The heat was back, and I could tell his fangs had run out. Did that always mean anger? They were just peeking out from his parted lips. I couldn't pull my eyes away. That whole 'it was like time stood still' thing was such a cliche, but it really did feel like that. We both forgot to breathe; he didn't have to, but he kept up appearances in public to pass as human.

Eric pulled me close to him and the moment passed. I took a deep breath and put my head on Eric's chest. I kept a tab on Al-Ameri, and we danced. I kept Eric updated without the over-the-top flirting. But my head kept leaning against him, his hand rubbing my bare lower back felt incredibly intimate, and we kept getting a little bit lost whenever our eyes met. There was also the matter of Eric's Mr. Happy hard against my abdomen, and I was almost positive he was sniffing my hair. I was high as a kite on endorphins and adrenaline, on top of the gin & tonics and extra helpings of vampire blood.

Al-Ameri knocked back the drink he was holding, and headed for the exit, a cute but dumb redhead on his arm. Apparently, he was going to get lucky. Eric and I were still on the dance floor. I pulled his head down again and wrapped my arms around his neck. I pressed my cheek against his so our mouths were next to each other's ears. We could at least attempt to converse. I whispered, "I know where he's going. Her place. He really is planning on fucking her and leaving, and then staying in his apartment until it's time to meet up tomorrow. She wants to fuck him, too."

"Where are they parked?"

"He parked way out in the boonies by us because he didn't want to get his precious Trans Am dinged, either. There are plenty of cars, though, so we won't look out of place."

"Are you holding up OK? We may need to do a little acting."

"Sure. But I can just hold onto his brain until he drives off, and then we can go out and follow him. As long as he doesn't get more than four miles away or so, we're good."

He pulled away. The grin with lots of teeth was back. "Let's go." He pulled me out the door.

Al-Ameri and the girl, Ginger, were just a couple of aisles over in the parking lot. They had stopped to make out a little bit.

Eric winked at me, and pushed my back up against a pillar and put his face against my neck. I heard him inhaling deeply. I'm sure it looked for all the world like he was kissing me there. Or biting, I guess. I shivered. I had my hands in his hair again. Al-Ameri and the girl had moved on and were nearly to his car. I grabbed Eric's hand and pulled him in that direction, walking backwards. He didn't seem to mind me taking charge, and his eyes sparked with good humour and lust.

The other couple had gotten in his car, and were making out some more. I pushed Eric against an older Dodge that definitely wouldn't have an alarm system and molded myself against him. "You OK?" A touch of concern in his eyes, too.

I pulled him down and mouthed the side of his neck, using my teeth a little, before I nearly panted in his ear. I was quickly losing control of my libido. The one I was sure was non-existent two days before. "He's about to come. He has no plans to reciprocate here, and she's too nice to ask. They'll leave soon."

Eric licked my neck, and I felt it in my clit. I was definitely panting now. He whispered back, "Fool."

I caught his eye and smiled up at him. I licked my lips before I leaned forward and whispered, "Which one?"

We were playing with fire. I was quite sure it started in my panties, but I was getting consumed with it.

And then he threw the metaphorical bucket of water on me again. His eyes hardened and he almost hissed, "Get in the car." And it wasn't 'get in the car so I can drive home immediately and fuck you until dawn,' either. Oh my god. I was out of control. Did I misjudge his feelings? Oh, shit. Did I fail a test? Was that what he meant by fool? Not Al-Ameri for leaving Ginger unsatisfied, or Ginger for not demanding that he takes care of her needs, but me for acting like a wanton hussy? Was I going to have to continue to live with him and work for him after throwing myself at him and flunking the don't try to seduce your boss test? It took everything I had not to drop to my knees in the middle of the asphalt parking lot.

I got in the Corvette and shrunk into the passenger seat. Eric got in and just gripped the steering wheel, looking forward.

I could barely get my voice above a whisper, "I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. I… I…"

He looked at me, shocked and angry. "Sookie! I am not angry at you. I am angry at myself. You are inexperienced and are under the influence of alcohol and vampire blood. You are the asset. I need to take care of you, not take advantage of you."

This felt too fucking close to pity to me. I felt the most impotent rage and shame and embarrassment, and tears stood in my eyes, and I hated it. "Fuck you. I'm not some poor little weak girl that needs taking care of." I felt exactly like a poor little weak girl, though.

He sighed in exasperation. "Sookie…"

I whispered, "They're leaving."

He looked over at me and cupped my cheek. Despite myself, I leaned into his touch. It was so like the gesture that Tray had made before the meeting, but with Eric, I got to feel it. It was little wonder I craved his touch. Being able to have a physical connection with someone was not only pleasant but nearly euphoric after a lifetime of negative stimulus or forced abstinence from all touch. And he had never touched me anywhere my clothes didn't cover. The more I felt that connection, the more I seemed to need it. And our hands hadn't been off each other all night, at least after we put that mess back at the house behind us.

He leaned forward and put his forehead against mine. He seemed to crave my touch as much as I craved his. "Tell me the address where they're going, and I will text it to Pam. I'm going to take you home. You need rest. I know you didn't sleep much last night; the alarm system logs all of the entries and exits."

It was my turn to sigh. "You're giving me whiplash, Eric."

He leaned back in his seat. "I know. I'm sorry. Unfortunately, I seem to be suffering from it as well."

I didn't think sorry was a word Eric said often. I gave him the address and he texted it to Pam, so she could keep an eye on the terrorist.

He started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. Eric had brought up the alarm system, so I took the opportunity to get a little more information. "You mentioned the alarm. What about cameras?"

"There is a camera in the foyer pointed at the front door, as well as in various points outside: front porch, along the perimeter, back door, two on the garage, the pool yard…" He grinned and waggled his eyebrows.

"None in my bedroom?"

"No, of course not. The only ones in the house at all are the one I mentioned in the foyer, and the tamper-proof ones inside my safes."

I had privacy. And I didn't get caught spying last night. I smiled back at him and reached for his hand. We were on the highway by then, so he laced his fingers with mine and kissed my knuckles.

After a few minutes, I broke the silence. "It's inevitable, you know," Tonight had felt very much like we were on the tracks with no brakes. It was exhilarating and terrifying, and I knew that we would be flying over the cliff sooner or later.

Another sigh. "I know." He kissed my hand again, and we drove the rest of the way in silence. Or I assume so, because I fell asleep with my head on his shoulder in the Corvette with our hands clasped together in my lap, and I woke up in the late afternoon alone in bed.