A/N: hey guys! Sorry for the slight hiatus in posting. I ended up having my baby and have been adjusting to life as a new mommy! shes perfect and and wonderful and we are very much in love with her!

In terms of this chapter, I have held onto this for a really long time! Well over a year in fact - I'm excited to finally be posting it: it was definitely a labour of love and I thoroughly enjoyed writing it so hopefully you will enjoy reading it!

Set directly after the episode 4x16, (the dreaded) Right Next Door .

Also mentions brief events from All in the Family (4x13), Playing With Matches (4x14) and DOA For a Day (4x15).

Swirling the remainder of her drink around in her glass, Lindsay Monroe let out an almighty sigh. She hated this feeling. She hated how heavy her heart felt in her chest on a daily basis. Hourly basis. Constant basis.

She was exhausted. Sure, it could have something to do with the 27 hour shift she'd just endured but she wasn't entirely sure that was actually the root cause of her exhaustion. No, the sleepless nights worrying had probably done it. Worrying. Replaying things. Wishing for a time machine… something, anything to make the hurt in her chest go away. She threw back the last bit of tequila and shook her head as it burned on the way down.

She wasn't usually the type to drink her sorrows away, but she'd tried everything else and nothing had worked. She figured a last ditch attempt to self medicate with tequila might not be one of her worst ideas.

Although granted, it wasn't one of her best, either.

She wasn't this person. She wasn't that kind of girlfriend. She wasn't needy or pathetic or clingy. She was sassy, smart and sensible. However, this wasn't sensible. This was… well; she didn't know what it was exactly. Desperation? Heartbreak?

He'd forgotten her birthday. She'd never made a fuss about special days. Never demanded flowers on Valentine's Day. She never asked for a card on their anniversary. But her birthday? Her birthday was different and she didn't ask for much, just a nice bottle of wine and some good food and maybe a goofy birthday card.. She'd asked him if he wanted to go for dinner and drinks and he'd said yes. Granted, he hadn't seemed very enthusiastic but she cast it to one side due to just how low he'd been feeling. She'd texted him the address of the restaurant and had headed there by herself. Something they'd done a hundred times before.

Except, he did something he'd never done before. He didn't turn up.

She didn't hear from him, no apology, no excuse, nothing. He hadn't even wished her a happy birthday that day. Eventually, she'd given up, paid for her drink and left with a very heavy heart. As she was walking home, she'd gotten a call from Mac apologising profusely for ruining her birthday celebrations with Danny but explained that they were needed at a scene. When she arrived without him, Mac had pulled her to one side and had asked how her day was. She'd plastered a smile onto her face and told him it'd been fine. He'd stared at her and she felt like he'd been staring into her soul. She fought with the tears begging to fall and told Mac that she appreciated his concern but didn't want to talk about it. He'd nodded, rubbed her arm and then began filling her in about the scene.

It had taken her a couple of days but once she'd finally confronted Danny about it face to face, she wished she hadn't. She wasn't sure what his excuse would be, what he would say, but she never expected what came out of his mouth. He'd said something about sport stats and steak sides. They were easier to remember, apparently. She'd cried herself to sleep for a week after he'd said that. She could deal with a lot but to be compared to mashed potatoes and green beans? That was something she couldn't deal with. Nor did she want to deal with it.

Quite frankly, Danny Messer had turned into quite the asshole.

She pushed her glass away from her and it automatically got refilled by the bartender. He had tried to make conversation when she first walked in, however he had soon learnt that she wasn't there to talk about her troubles. So instead, he facilitated her in drinking them away the best he could.

She'd done her talking today. It had got her nowhere but she'd done it. She hadn't said everything she wanted to; it hadn't been the place or time. She'd just gotten so angry she couldn't hold it in any longer. But now, she couldn't get the words out of her head. The words she'd said and the ones she hadn't.

I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself… Because I've fallen in love with you and now I have to figure out... how to let that go.

The words were echoing in her ears. She shook her head to try and get rid of the words haunting her. After it had happened, Ruben dying, she'd known instantly in her heart that she'd lost him. He'd gone the moment she laid her hand on his back, trying to give him some comfort after finding out about Ruben's passing. He'd slipped further and further away from her in the days that had passed until they'd found themselves here.

Sure, they'd had moments of normalcy. He'd made jokes here and there, trying to get a smile from her but it had been hard. It almost felt like they were back to their old selves as they'd worked alongside Kendall, solving the street racing case. They'd stolen glances at one another, flirted, made innuendos. Everything they used to do. For a moment, she thought she had her best friend back.

But, as quickly as she saw the old Danny resurface; the new one would be back just as quickly. He'd failed to show up for work one day and she knew that something was wrong. She'd lied for him and she wasn't proud about it. She'd told Mac he'd called her with a bad cold and Mac had even made a playful joke about her not catching whatever he had. Her heart had ached in that moment. She didn't even know if he knew what she'd done for him; how she and Don worked tirelessly to save his ass that day. Not that it mattered. She did it because she loved him. Because she wanted to protect him and try her best to save him.

But she couldn't. Not from this, not from himself.

It had become clear to her in the last week or so what was needed, what she had to do. How could she let him go though? Where did she even begin? Especially when she didn't want to let him go… not really. She'd gotten used to being someone he loved, or so she thought. He'd never explicitly said it but she'd felt it. She thought she'd felt it at least. He'd pulled the rug from underneath her, bringing her world to a halt and popping the bubble she'd been living in.

He must have thought she was stupid. As if she didn't know what was truly going on right next door. Even if she hadn't been a trained investigator, she'd have worked it out. His body language, avoidance tactics and general attitude would have told her everything she needed without much digging at all. Due to the fact she knew him so well, everything he'd done, she'd seen right through it.

She deserved more. She deserved better. She didn't need his bullshit. She didn't need his attitude, his arrogance, his disloyalty… she didn't need to be cheated on.

She threw back another shot and slammed her glass down on the bar. As the bartender went to refill, she held her hand up in protest. "No thanks, I'm done." she said politely before adding "Can I get the bill, please?" He handed it to her silently with a sympathetic smile. She threw down a handful of bills, making sure a decent tip was included and turned on the barstool, sliding off of it. Her feet ached and her calves hurt. Her comfy shoes had gone past the comfy stage… but there was one more place she needed to stop before she went home. Maybe; just maybe, the liquid courage she'd given herself would be what she needed.

She glanced up at the building and felt a wave of confidence flow through her. She wondered if when she arrived she'd second guess herself. Change her mind even. She stepped onto the stairs and shook her head. He needs to know this. She let herself into the apartment block and pressed the button on the elevator. She'd usually take the stairs but she wanted to get this over with. As the elevator announced its arrival, she stepped inside and pressed the button for his floor. This was it. No going back now.

She waited as the cogs started turning, tugging her up the building sluggishly.

As the doors slid open on his floor, she took a deep breath. God only knew what she was about to find herself walking into. She needed to do this though. Not for him. Not for them. For herself.

She marched down the hallway and knocked on his door. She could hear the low sounds of the tv coming from inside his apartment. She heard his footsteps and eventually the lock turned. He opened the door just enough to see out and she was surprised at the look on his face. Did she see relief? Surely he wasn't relieved to see her, was he?

"Lindsay?" His voice sounded… happy. Pleased?

"Look, this isn't what you think it's going to be." She paused. "I'm not here to apologise for earlier or to try and make things right. I don't want us to talk."

He opened the door wider and leant against the door frame, *is everything ok? Do you want to come in? What are you-"

"I need you to listen to me." She cut him off. "Because I'm only going to say all of this once." She took the breath she needed to get through what she was about to say. "I don't care what you did. You're an adult and I'll respect your choices and decisions. If you wish to sleep with other people, that's your prerogative." She knew he wanted to speak but she continued on. "That doesn't mean I'll stand by or support you whilst you destroy me."

He flinched at her words.

"I could have been all of that for you. I could have numbed the pain. I could have done all of that. Me! I could have been the one you needed. You didn't even give me a chance. You know that I know how this feels. Losing someone you love. I lost a whole lot before, Danny. You know that. I could have helped you escape what you were feeling. We could have done it together. I would have been that person for you but you were so damn stubborn you decided you had better ideas. Clearly you decided that not only would you destroy us, you destroyed the love, respect and everything else I felt for you. Good job." She spat. "How does it feel? Knowing you ruined the best thing that happened to you? You had options Danny. You didn't need to do this. You chose this. There were healthier ways to approach this. Therapy, talking, sex if that's what you wanted. I'd have done anything to help you, Danny. Anything."

She waited for some retaliation. Some fight from him. But instead, he stood there; taking it all. At least he was finally listening.

"I let my guard down for you." She continued. "It took everything I had but I let you in. You don't know how it feels to let someone in and for them to just toss you to the side. You have no idea how much I loved you… becsuse I did. I really loved you Danny.."

His face said it all. Loved. Past tense.

"I loved us. I loved you. I loved everything about you." She took a moment to compose herself. "But I can't do this anymore. I won't do this anymore. I need you Danny, I do, I need you more than you'll ever know, but not like this. I don't deserve this. I'm not a clingy girlfriend. I cared about you and wanted to help you. I can't help you if you won't help yourself."

"Linds, I-"

"You didn't need to save her." Lindsay said softly. "That wasn't your job. It was an accident Danny, a tragic accident. I can't imagine her pain and I won't pretend to know what she's going through but it was not your job to save her."

"Lindsay please, let me ex-,"

"Save it." She interrupted him, by holding her hand up between them. "I know I pushed you away when the trial came up and you worked so hard to be there for me. I loved you for that Danny, I really did. You were everything I needed and did everything you could for me. You have no idea how much all of that meant to me. I thought I'd be able to repay you all of that when Ruben died. I thought you'd let me be that person. I wish I could have been that person but clearly I wasn't good enough."

"Linds, you are good enough."

"No, I'm sorry. I refuse to stand here and listen to you telling me I'm good enough because I'm not. I'm not good enough and you've made that explictly clear. I'm sorry I've disturbed your evening but I had more things I needed to say to you. Things I didn't say before." She held her hands up in surrender. "That's it now. I'm done. I won't be giving you any more crap. I just needed you to know how I felt."

She turned on her heel and headed down the hallway back towards the elevator. She was sure there was more she probably wanted to say; but for the fear of repeating herself, she left it there. She was sure he'd gotten the message. Whether he cared was a different matter. She wasn't interested anymore if he cared or not; she was interested in alleviating the pain in her chest.

"Lindsay!" His voice sounded down the hallway. It took her a moment but she turned and glanced over her shoulder. He was stood in the middle of the hallway. Dishevelled. Barefoot. And dare she say, broken?

"What?"

"Please don't go, I uh, I really wanna talk."

"I've nothing else to say to you." She said simply. She tore her eyes away from him and pressed the button for the elevator. It hurt but she had to. If she didn't leave now, she'd sink to a level she didn't want to go to. She wanted to keep her grace. Her composure. Her dignity.

"Hey, I listened to you, I've been beggin' you all day to talk"

"Begging me to talk?" She laughed: "is that before or after you asked me how long I was gonna be mad at you for? Or was it when you called me a clingy girlriend and told me you didn't want to have lunch the other day? Correct me if I'm wrong Danny but I certainly don't think you wanted to talk to me then:"

"Alright, I've done this all wrong: I accept that okay? But the least you can do is listen to me." He was closing the distance between the two of them. She swallowed the lump in her throat. This wasn't what she had planned.

"I don't know if anything you have to say is anything I want to hear."

"Maybe not? I got things I wanna say too… don't I deserve a little bit of-" he stopped and let out a long, laboured breath. "You know what, I don't deserve a little bit of anything." He took a step back and she felt a pang of sadness twinge in her chest. "You're right. You're totally right." He stepped back again. "I'm sorry."

She raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips together, silently acknowledging what he'd said. She assumed he was sorry for wanting to speak his own mind when she'd asked him to listen. As the elevator arrived she got on in silence. She pressed the button to go down and waited the painful few moments it took for the doors shut. As they did so, she laid her head against the cold metal wall behind her. Her breaths were hitched as the tears threatened to fall. She was proud of herself. She'd been strong. Respectful. Honest. Brave. Firm.

Didn't mean that she felt any better though.

Running her fingertips through her dishevelled hair, she composed herself as she pushed off of the wall, ready to exit the elevator as it neared the ground floor. The doors took a moment before they opened. As they did, she was met with a sight she hadn't anticipated. Despite herself, she walked towards him, mentally preparing herself for whatever was about to come.

"I don't deserve you. I don't. I don't deserve us, you, anything. I've really fucked up. I know I have. I won't pretend to know what I've done to you, how I've hurt you."

She desperately wanted to stop him. She didn't want to hear anything else; she didn't want an apology or love or kindness. She didn't want to see the old Danny, her Danny. If she was able to see her Danny, all of her composure, strength and determination would come crashing down around her.

"I let things go too far. I coulda stopped it all at any point but I didn't and I gotta live with that. I've done some stupid things that I'm gonna have to pay for." He said,

She folded her arms over her chest.

"You know the real me, Linds. You do. You know me. The guy I am, the one that fought for you, that's who I really am. You know this. Don't pretend you don't know the real me."

She closed her eyes and swallowed the lump in her throat. "Honestly, I have no idea who you are anymore."

He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. "Lindsay, I know what I did hurt you. I know nothing I could ever do will make up for that… but please, please don't let go of me. I know I haven't shown it but I do need you. I care about you Linds, I care about you a lot."

"Danny, you don't. You dont care because if you did, you wouldn't have done this." She was tired. Her eyes burnt, from tears or exhaustion or alcohol, she didn't know. What she did know what that if she listened to any more of what he had to say, she'd be back to square one.

"You've got no idea how strong you are." He began. "You've been brave, compassionate, kind, respectful and lord knows I don't deserve it. But I need you to know how I feel about you. You know how much I care about you. I just can't begin to think of what I'm gonna do without you, Montana, I- please."

She shook her head and put her hands over her ears; like she did in the diner all those years ago. "No," she whispered, "no no-" she took her hands from her ears and prodded him in the chest. "No, you don't get to do that. You don't get to call me that and expect it to be okay. You can't throw that in there after months of nothing and expect me to fall for it. No. That was special. That was before. Don't you dare taint what that used to mean. I'll put up with a lot from you Danny, but I won't let you take that away from me."

"Lindsay please- I'm tryin' to-"

"Trying to what? Don't you see?" She whispered, "don't you see that it's too late? Don't you think I'd kill to go back to how we were? Don't you think I'd give anything to let you hug me and tell me it'll be alright? Call me Montana? Don't you think I want to let you kiss me and love me and make everything okay? Don't you think I wish I could just forgive you and let it all just disappear? You're hurting me, Danny.. you're breaking my heart."

She could tell in his eyes that he'd finally realised the gravitas of the situation.

"I don't wanna hurt you." He said finally. "I don't want that." He let out a long, laboured breath. "What do we do?"

She shrugged. "At this point, I have no idea. You've got some shit to deal with. You need to end one of your relationships; whether that's with me or with her." She said matter of factly. "As for me? Well, I need to find a way of letting you go, don't I." It wasn't a question.

His eyes closed as he fought back tears. "Lindsay, I- I'm sorry."

"I know." She said softly.

"Look, I know you don't wanna listen to me right now and I get that," he said, "I do, I respect what you're saying. But can you maybe think about it? Maybe think about sittin' down and listening. I mean I don't know what I want to say but I need to, I want to; I just feel like I-."

"I'll think about it." She said filling the silence as he trailed off. "I'm not promising anything Danny. I'm not saying that this makes everything okay. I can't even bear to look at you right now, knowing what happened. What you did. But, if you give me time I might be willing to listen to what you have to say." She paused. "I love you, I do. I just, I can't let myself be hurt so deeply by someone who is supposed to love me. I know you've been hurting. I know all of this has been hard… you have no idea how I've been hurting for you Danny. I'd do anything to stop your pain, I would. But right now this-" she gestured between the two of them with her index finger. "This isn't healthy. This isn't right. We can't do this, you know?"

"I know," he nodded. "I just… I don't wanna lose you."

"I didn't want to lose you either." She said, "but I did."

She turned on her heel and tore herself away from him. She'd gone with the intention of not repeating herself over and over and she was beginning to feel like she was. She refused to be sucked in by him, because she knew how easy it would be to let him convince her to go upstairs. She knew how quickly she'd find herself wrapped up in his arms, listening to empty promises and accepting his guilty kisses. She didn't want to lose him. She wanted to fix everything, so desperately. But she didn't want him to feel like he needed to fix her. She didn't want him to refocus his pain and suffering into her and their relationship.

She pushed through the doors of his apartment building and fought with herself not to turn around and take a final look at him. She couldn't. All of her resolve would be gone in a heartbeat. It was hard enough keeping the tears pooled in her eyes from falling.

She loved him but she'd lost him. And despite everything, every ounce of sense and instinct within her telling him to just let him go, get over it. The only problem was, she didn't want to. She hoped that despite everything, they found their way back to each other.

Until then, she'd just be working on ways to mend her broken heart.

There we have it, the monster chapter this has been gearing towards! I hope you guys enjoyed it. I know it kind of goes against what Danny says in the box about him thinking she knew about him and Rikki but quite frankly they were just being lazy so I've taken my artistic license and filled on the gaps.

In terms of the next update, I shall try my best to get it up soon but please bear with me whilst I navigate being a new mama! I will get it up eventually... promise!

Thanks for reading - as ever, any thoughts or comments are very much appreciated!