Chapter 8
"I don't know if other people remember their beginning the way I do. I half-remember it, really. I remember bright light, and cold, and pain. I don't know where the pain came from. Everything was fuzzy. Not just my vision. I heard things, and felt them, and smelled them, but not clearly.
"I have the vaguest recollection of following a man, then more pain. I must have run into the forest nearby. All I know is that it was dark, and cold. I didn't know what had happened, why I was in pain and alone. I think I cried. What else could I do? I knew nothing. Certainly not how to help myself.
"But I must have known something. I guess I took some clothes from the place where Victor had stayed. I knew I was supposed to put them on, even though I don't remember seeing anyone put on clothes before. And while I was in the forest, I knew I could eat nuts and berries, but not something like a stick. How did I know that, when I had never seen any of it before? I also had a vague sense that I knew what the shiny rectangle in the pocket of the sweatshirt I'd taken was, though I'd never held one before.
"Over the next few days, my senses began to work better. I could see things clearly and pick out where sounds came from. And my brain seemed to do more. Can you remember your first thoughts? No, I guess not. I don't know what I thought about in those first few days, but I remember when I realized there weren't enough nuts in this place to make my hunger go away. I don't know if I had some sense that there were people in the valley, or if going downhill was just easier. Anyway, that's what I did.
"I passed many big houses, all empty. I didn't try to get into them. I guess it didn't occur to me that they might have anything I wanted.
"The first people I saw clearly were eating outside. A man, a woman and a little girl. I remember feeling a joy like I'd never felt before. I was happy to see the food, of course, but this wasn't like finding nuts and berries. I started limping over to them and made a sound. I didn't know I could make sounds on purpose, so I thought maybe they'd be as delighted by this discovery as I was.
"But they weren't. The little girl screamed, and they picked her up and ran inside the house. I tried to follow them. They were yelling and gesturing at me to get away. I didn't understand, but I went away – though not before taking the food they'd left outside.
"Their food lasted me for a while, but soon I was hungry again. I couldn't explain to myself why they'd reacted the way they did, but I also didn't dwell too much on it. My first encounter with Victor was so fuzzy that I couldn't begin to worry that a pattern was forming. So I kept walking down into the valley in search of people and food.
"Before too long, I came to a street, lined with small houses. I looked up and down, uncertain where to start. Then I saw one with the big door for cars – what's the word, garage? – at any rate, it was open. That seemed welcoming. I walked in, and there was a person-sized door. I opened that too. I had no real plan, but also no way of knowing I needed one.
"The lady at the stove screamed and threw whatever she was cooking at me. Most of the hot liquid didn't hit me, but it hurt terribly where it did. I yelled in pain, and she screamed again. I stumbled back out the door, but her screams followed me into the street. And then people started coming out of the other houses, with long poles with sharp things on the end. One pointed something at me that boomed, but he only scared me. They must not have really wanted to catch me, though. I staggered into the woods, and I didn't hear any footsteps behind me.
"This time, I thought about it. What had I done? Why did they want to hurt me? I probably shouldn't have walked into that house. But was what I'd done so bad that they needed to burn me? I hadn't harmed anyone.
"I couldn't make sense of it, but it was becoming clear that I needed to avoid people. The timing couldn't have been worse. The wind was starting to pick up. While I'd never been through a storm before, I instinctively knew that I needed shelter, but I didn't dare try to hide close to people.
"I might have died if I hadn't been fortunate enough to come upon a space cleared from the trees, with one little building. It was locked, but the snow was starting to fly, so I broke the lock and forced my way in. Everything inside was hard and cold, but it would keep the wind from cutting through me. I remember playing with the little metal handles that made water run, and thinking: Of course that's what they do. I didn't know how I knew that, or how I'd forgotten it, but it was too much to sort out then. There was nothing to do but make myself as comfortable as I could on the floor and try to rest."