Keeperofwords here: We ran into some technical difficulties getting this next update posted. We sincerely apologize and hope this will be resolved quickly so you can enjoy the next 16 pages. We are on the way to Jersey….
We appreciate your patience and each of you, our faithful readers.
Chapter 24: Hell Manor
July, calm your ass down, you're not the only one hurting here... Cassandra talked herself down, leaning over in the small airplane seat to whisper into her wife's ear.
"It's going to be okay, sweetheart…"
Despite everything, Cassandra truly did believe that, and reassured her wife with a simple sincerity. "You are not alone this time, baby," she spoke again. Shelby gave no response, but stared out the plane window. The blonde frowned at the fact that Shelby had not turned her head to meet her eyes, guessing she was still upset with her from their fight about Dee earlier.
"Shelby...Shelby, please look at me..." Cassandra implored her, her voice growing deeper and more emphatic. "I know we have been having a rough couple of days, and I know that's my fault," she cleared her throat and reached her hand out to gently stroke Shelby's cheek with the back of her finger, asking for eye contact through gentle touch. "I'm sorry, baby. Since my parents died things...have just been so hard, I know you know that and I know it's a dumb excuse. We've had a really bad year and we're both responding poorly to the stress of that, but I have been worse lately and I know that. I have so much pent up anger towards my parents and this whole situation… I blocked out a lot of my childhood, so all of it coming up now is just... and I am so damn sensitive, and I snap at the littlest things now..."
Cassandra rarely admitted that she was wrong, usually due to stubborn pride. That meant she was showing genuine remorse. Shelby turned her head, her eyes finally locking with her wife's as she nodded ever so gently to state that she was listening. She noticed that her wife had not brought up the fight about Dee, but said nothing of it. Honestly, Shelby wasn't sure what there even was to say about it at this point, since Dee was with them, and she really wasn't sure how to wrap her head around the news of the newest court hearing. She was still in shock that she had been called to testify. It had been one thing after the other in the last twenty four hours alone.
"I'm sorry, too," Shelby answered weakly. "Cass, this...this is...what am I supposed to do? When are we going to catch a break? I thought the end of our last court hearing was...supposed to be our happy ending..." she mumbled the last part, feeling juvenile.
"Shelby, honey. You don't have to testify if you don't want to," Cassandra addressed the elephant in the room but kept her voice low, being that they were in a public space. "They have enough against the adoption agency without your case. And as far as our happy ending goes...I think we just have to accept that our lives will never be easy. We will always have mountains to climb, but it's because the universe knows we can do it, you know? As shitty as that feels..."
"They're serving me, I am being called to testify, I have no choice," Shelby argued, ignoring Cassandra's out of character optimism. Shelby's voice was tense from the knot in the back of her throat. She swallowed hard. You will not cry on this plane. "I have to testify. They'll arrest me if I don't, you know better. Besides, I want those bastards to pay for what they've done. That adoption agency is corrupt and it's about time someone filed against them. I'm glad that we finally know who they are, at least…" her thoughts drifted, her eyes glazing over as she fell back into her head.
The adoption agency that her mother had given Rachel to was finally getting what they had coming to them, but that meant that Shelby had to face more of her demons to put them behind bars and sink their business. She was far from the only mother that this had happened to, so she knew the hearing was a large process and that at least she wouldn't be the focus of it.
"Okay, so you have to testify, but you don't have to get invested. You don't owe anybody anything, besides a few words of support arguing against the bastards. That's it. This case is not your responsibility. You are just a pawn in the case, you're not the king. Don't take this onto your shoulders. You have enough going on." Cassandra pushed Shelby's hair, thick and tangled, behind her shoulder to place a soft kiss to the base of her neck.
"You mean you have enough going on," Shelby mumbled.
Cassandra blinked at her wife, bewildered. "Honey, you can't be serious. This is not about me. I know things have been….lately...and I know we're going to my childhood home, but I am not dense. I know you have had to deal with all of this too. You have a lot going on in your head and in your heart. You're too young to be having to deal with so much. This is not your lawsuit. You are just a small part in it."
"I'm a pretty big part, I had the worst case." Shelby argued, missing the point. All she could think about was the memories she was going to have to publicly revisit. A shiver went through her whole body. She felt ill.
"Shelby...Please, honey. I don't want to keep doing this with you. We can't afford to keep doing this. It's draining us both, all of this back and forth. We aren't strong enough to keep going at each other all the time when we both know we're on the same team. I mean what are we even fighting about anymore? We're in this together. We have been, from the beginning."
"I know. I'm sorry. Truly." Shelby placed her hand on top of her wife's and rubbed the back of it gently with her thumb. "I'm just...in shock, I guess. Once we finished the trial this year with the Reverend I just thought we were done with all of the legal issues regarding Rachel. I didn't even think about the adoption agency being taken to court."
Cassandra nodded. Now she was getting somewhere. "It's a lot," she agreed. "It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to be shocked, and overwhelmed. I definitely get that. We just..both of us...we can't keep turning on each other. We have to get better at that. Especially in front of Rachel. She can sense that energy, and...it does more than just stress the two of us out, you know?"
Shelby reflected, knowing that her wife was right, but feeling too stubborn to admit it out loud. She nodded softly in response, then wet her bottom lip. "Listen to you, talking about energy. You're starting to sound like Dee." she cursed herself immediately for bringing up her aunt, but figured it would be a good test of how serious Cassandra had been.
Cassandra cast a glance behind them at Dee and Rachel, using each other as a pillow and napping during the short flight. It had been an early morning for both of them. Cassandra sucked in her cheek, counted to three, then let out a breath. "Yeah, I guess I did pick that up from her." she elected not to argue or allow herself to get heated. Things were what they were, and getting upset about their company while traveling to their destination wasn't going to change anything.
Besides, she was also pretty focused on the pending lawsuit that Shelby was so suddenly served papers to testify for.
Gods, I hope Susan isn't called to testify too...The last thing we need is for Shelby to see her, or worse, for Shelby to see Dee offering Susan support throughout it...Wonder if Dee knew about it...I can't remember if she seemed surprised when that man came to the door or not…
"Hey…" Shelby's soft voice, a welcome change, pulled Cassandra out of her reverie. "You're not the only one who's been difficult. I've contributed a lot to the tension and I know that. I really am sorry. None of what has happened this summer is your fault..I hope you know that, and I hope you know that I am here for you as we enter this uncomfortable space for you. You aren't doing this alone, either. This week is about you, whatever you need. We will figure this out."
Cassandra studied her wife. The way her chestnut brown hair cascaded down her neck in messy, finicky locks.. The way her sharp cheekbones accented the shape of her eyebrows, and how she had laughter lines already starting to show against her tired eyes. Cassandra felt that tired, too. Nobody should be this tired in their 20s.
"No, this week is about both of us. Every week is about both of us. We can't keep following the "my week, your week" mindset, that's what makes us so tense. It's one day at a time. Hell. It's one hour at a time. This is all about balance, Shelbs." she squeezed Shelby's hand tightly. "We'll make it work. We are going to get into fights over stupid shit. That happens when your soul is exhausted. But it doesn't mean we're forgetting our vows and it doesn't mean we aren't supportive of each other, always."
Shelby nodded and cuddled her head against Cassandra's shoulder. Cassandra kissed Shelby's forehead and then glanced over her to see the New York City skyline coming into focus as they flew into Newark airport. She let out a long sigh, not looking forward to getting off the plane. She needed a distraction.
Shelby breathed slowly for a second, nuzzling her nose into the side of Cassie's neck before taking a deep breath and inhaling her sweet scene. Cassie smells so good…
It was not just the hint of perfume behind tHE blonde woman's ears, it was Cassandra's unique scent that Shelby associated with the dancer's softness, sass, passion, and strength. Shelby could never get enough of it, even when the two were going at each other, and she needed her wife to know that. Shelby licked her lips before placing the gentlest series of three kisses to Cassandra's neck, reciprocating her love from before.
"You are so beautiful, Cassandra Corcoran-July," Shelby whispered, reaching for Cassandra's left hand and pulling it to her lips to kiss her wedding ring. " I promise you, my love, that I will shower you with all of the love, passionately and unconditionally, as soon as we get our darling daughter to bed tonight."
"Don't make promises you aren't intending to keep..." Cassandra's voice grew husky as she shifted her arm around to turn Shelby's hand palm up. She then proceeded to stroke the handlines with her perfectly manicured fingernail. The blonde smiled to herself when she saw Shelby physically shiver, but this time in a good way.
"Mhmmmmm," Shelby hummed. "Be careful," she warned, knowing fully well that if they had the time to do so she would have felt compelled to join the mile high club. "We can't do this here." she said, her voice only low enough to Cassandra to hear her.
"Shame," Cassandra teased, squeezing the inside of Shelby's thigh. She then changed her vocal cadence completely, speaking a little louder. "Would you look at that? Looks like we're about to land. Should probably wake the girls…"
"I can't stand you sometimes," Shelby smirked.
Cassandra's heart fluttered. "I love you, too."
. . .
Cassandra sucked in a long breath, feeling the humid summer air fill her lungs with a weight that spread through her entire body. Looking up at her childhood home, she did not feel nostalgic or intrigued to go through old memories-she felt nothing but dread, and a heavy sorrow that was dragging her energy down faster than she could produce it. She tried to physically shake the weight off and shake the nerves out.
It's not like your parents are in there waiting for you. Just go in already, you don't have all the time in the world to get this done.
She could feel the presence of Shelby, Rachel, and Dee behind her as they exited a cab and Shelby paid the fare. The four girls stood in front of the July Manor and stared up at it in overwhelming disbelief. Shelby was the first to try to break the silence.
"So...this is it?" she asked.
Cassandra nodded. "Home, sweet home," she mumbled. She took another cleansing breath. "Let's get this over with, I left my ibuprofen bottle back at the hotel…"
Shelby placed a comforting hand on Cassandra's shoulder and rubbed it gently before prompting her to lead the way by guiding her towards the door.
The outside of the manor was just as unwelcoming as the inside- the walls were beige stone, with ivy taking over the sides. A barricade. Keeping the family away from the rest of the world. At least it did, when we were a family. Cassandra thought to herself as she unlocked the front door. It creaked heavily when it opened. Her face flushed. She didn't like the fact that she came from old money. It made her feel guilty and made conversations awkward when people realized she was rich. The July family doesn't have problems, especially not in the eye of the public. Other people had it worse than I did, I'm being fucking ridiculous. Terrible memories flooded her brain and argued against that thought, however, the second she opened the front door and stepped into the foyer. An instant headache of jumbled thoughts plagued her brain. Her stomach hurt.
"I think I'm going to be sick," Cassandra mumbled, rushing to the bathroom that she knew her mother only kept up for show. Her mother wasn't there to yell at her, though. She fell to her knees in front of the toilet and felt the contents of her stomach slosh unhappily, but she didn't get sick. She sat there for a moment, then fell against the wall and put her head into her knees. "Oh, what the fuck am I doing here. I can't do this. I should have just let the rest of the family take care of this. They can have all of it, this was a stupid idea…"
She stayed in her thoughts for a moment, willing her head to stop swirling. For a moment, she wondered how upset her crew would be if she asked for them to just go home and forget this trip ever happened. She heard a hesitant knock on the door.
"Cassie?" it was Dee, to Cassandra's surprise. She didn't have the energy to be annoyed. "Are you alright?" there was a moment of silence before she spoke up again, "Does this place have a wine cellar?"
What the hell does that matter? Cassandra asked herself, before realizing what Dee was doing. She appreciated the gesture and attempt for humor, so she decided to play along.
"Yes it does, Dee. Are you ready to go down there to choose one, or should I?" as she asked, she decided that while chugging a whole bottle and forgoing the glass sounded good, maybe just saving one for later might not be that bad. Hell, she might even take some home. She certainly was not leaving it all to her vile relatives. Her parents had contacts with some of the best vineyards in California, and some of the wine in that cellar was valuable.
"Mama? Can I have some too?" Rachel popped her head into the bathroom to join the conversation. " I heard Auntie April say it was good for the soul or something." An excited Rachel didn't wait for an answer, but continued with her usual barrage of thoughts. "This place is huge, I wish I had my socks on so I could slide up these long halls. They could use some more light in here, though. Guess nobody is scared for the dark. Can we start a fire, Mama? That fireplace in living room is like twice as big as ours. This house is so old. Did you guys hire a cook and a maid or something? Maybe we should get a maid so Mommy doesn't have to worry about keeping things clean all the time..."
Cassandra smiled in spite of her dark mood and the ghosts haunting her mind. Since December, Rachel had always been her ray of sunshine.
"My mother cooked for a while, but eventually yes she did hire a chef. You cannot have wine because wine is for grown ups only according to the law, but I am sure my parents have something in this mess of a house that you can have to drink. If they don't, we can run out and get you something, or order something in, okay?" She spoke to her daughter, but didn't start to move from off of the floor until the end of her sentence.
There was a beat in which Shelby joined the posse at the door and they watched Cassandra move slowly towards the sink to splash some cold water onto her face.
"Did you get sick, Mama?" Rachel asked, feeling a little worried.
Cassandra shook her head. "No, Little Star. Just my heart and head are a little sick. But I'll be okay."
Rachel nodded in understanding. Her mama didn't have to explain to her that her heart being sick meant her emotions. Rachel knew that feeling very well. She knew being back at this place was really hard for her mama. Cassandra didn't talk to Rachel much about her past unless Rachel begged her to, but she knew it made her sad so she didn't ask very often. Rachel wasn't sure how she would react to being back at The Reverend's home, and this was a lot like that for her mama. She wondered if maybe her mama's room was her hiding place just like Rachel's room had been hers, for a while.
"Is there anything I can do, Cassie?" Dee asked, wanting to be as helpful as possible. Cassandra took in her question with deep contemplation, unsure how she felt about Dee going through her parents' house without her around.
You're being ridiculous, Cassandra, she's a lawyer and you brought her here to help for a reason. You can't do this alone. She can figure out the office. It has more legal stuff than you know what to do with….sensitive information doesn't matter, Dee isn't going to use it against you…
"Um… yeah, you can start going through my dad's office, if you want? I'm not sure what his passwords or anything are but he's old, there might be a book or something…"
Dee smirked at the word old, but made no comment. Cassandra didn't notice.
"Um...It's the uh…" Cassandra had to think. "Third door on the left, across from the living room. If you find anything important, let me know?"
Dee nodded and gave a silent salute in response before turning on her heel and walking away from the bathroom.
"Mama? What does your old room look like? Is it dark like the rest of the house?" Rachel wondered, feigning innocence. She was a lot more insightful and observant than people sometimes gave her credit for.
Cassandra rolled her neck and then bent down to pick Rachel up and throw her on her hip. Rachel was a little tall to do so as gracefully as she often did with Cadence, but it had the same effect and made the little girl giggle gleefully. "Do you want to go find out?" she asked her daughter.
Rachel's eyes glistened when she saw her mama smile, even if it was small and forced. She nodded and then wrapped her arms around Cassandra's neck. Cassandra gave Shelby a small wink over Rachel's shoulder-reassurance that she was okay- before leading them all to her childhood bedroom. She tried her best not to think about the memories that were attached to the cold, foreboding stairwell that led to the room itself.
The anticipated creak when she turned the doorknob and pushed open the door never came. While that surprised Cassandra, it did not compare with what she saw behind her bedroom door.
Her full size brass bed was gone and in its place was a deep cherry wooden crib. Her dresser was still there, but its purpose had gone to a dramatic function.
This gives the phrase "I always find myself getting shit on" a whole new meaning... Cassandra thought to herself, somehow refraining from saying it aloud. Gone was her jewelry box. Gone also was the picture of her and her older sister that usually sat beside it. In its place was a simple changing pad with a simple pale pink terry cloth cover. A stack of cloth diapers sat on what had once been Cassandra's bookcase, which had housed her trophies however many years ago. She was never much of a reader, but she had kept a few of her favorite books, and framed awards with her in Ohio. Now, the bookcase held a whole row of stuffed animals that reminded Cassandra of a mini zoo. An elephant, tiger, giraffe, and a fox sat on the middle shelf. The bottom shelf looked like more of the stuffed animals that Cadence actually played with. There was a rich brown teddy bear, a rabbit that looked like something out of a storybook she read when she was a kid, and-
"Look Mama, it's Peter Rabbit," Rachel exclaimed as Cassandra set her down on the floor, but not before Rachel gave her a kiss on her cheek. "It looks just like the storybook."
Cassandra was only half listening. Her heart raced a little as her eyes landed on the final stuffed animal on the shelf. It was a ratted panda bear- a vintage piece with a maroon ribbon around its neck and piercing green eyes. It had belonged to Cassandra when she was really little. Her comfort animal. She took it everywhere.
It had been a long time since she thought about it, but when she saw it, her memory flashed in front of her. Dragging it along to endlessly long parties and to the park, when her mother took her. Stuffing it in her bag when she went to school and hiding it from her classmates so they wouldn't make fun of her. Once she had gotten to middle school, she realized that a stuffed animal couldn't protect her anymore. She hadn't seen it since, and had assumed it had gotten lost or destroyed in the midst of everyday life.
Shelby slipped into the room and stood against the wall, taking in the decor of the room while also watching Cassandra interact with Rachel. The singer had thought that this had been Casssandra's room. It seemed like it had been repurposed into a nursery for the baby. The room had so much pink in it that even she shuttered.
Why do people feel they have to stick baby girls in pastel pink, Shelby thought to herself, hands on her hips as she gave the room a once over.
Shelby was so in tune with her wife, she had heard the softest of gasps from her lover's lips over the excited chattering of Rachel. She let her eyes track to what Cassandra was looking at: it was a stuffed animal that was much older than the others in the room. Shelby knew instantly that it was her wife's.
Rachel, oblivious to her mother's walk down memory lane, fell to her knees and reached out to pick up a kitty cat from the top shelf. One was solid white, with the softest fur that the girl could not help but run her hand through. The other looked like Cassandra's character from Cats- it was red, orange, and black with white markings around the face. Rachel smiled at the memory of her mama's Cats recording.
"Rachel, baby, bring the panda over to Mama," Shelby requested of her daughter, gently taking Cassandra's elbow and leading her to the rocking chair in the room, motioning her to sit down.
"I'm here, love," Shelby whispered.
Cassandra held the stuffed animal, flipping it back and forth and running her hand across its fur. It had been through the ringer, with how often she took it everywhere. She couldn't believe her mother had kept it all this time and had passed it along to the baby. She wondered if Cadence ever played with it, or if it was just for show. She held it close to her chest, staring into the space in front of her, unsure what to think. She felt numb and tired, but also so confused. It had spurred her to think harder about her mother's intentions. Cassandra was starting to realize that Megan July was even more complex than Cassandra had originally thought.
"What do you need?" Shelby asked, concerned about the unresponsive nature of Cassandra's glassy eyes.
Cassandra shook her head. Answers. But that was something she knew that she could never get, with her mother in the ground. She bit her lower lip hard and let out a shaky breath.
"I want to take this home to Cady." Cassandra decided. "We should…" she wiped a stray tear from her cheek and sniffed to clear her nose. "Um… we should go through all of this stuff and take some of it back to her. I'm sure she's missing some of it, and some of it could be helpful…"
Shelby recognized that Cassandra wasn't ready to talk about the toy, and nodded her head softly. "Yeah, of course, let me go get some boxes…" she kissed the top of her wife's forehead and moved out to the living room, where Dee had set a pile of unfolded boxes that they had ordered for the occasion on a side table.
Shelby could hear Dee's voice in the study, It was clear that she was talking to somebody. She caught the word "Holly" and nodded to herself, glad that her aunt was keeping Holly in the loop. Cassandra was in no frame of mind to talk with her best friend right now. Grabbing some boxes, Shelby headed back up the stairs, where Rachel and Cassandra had clearly made progress. Still sitting in the rocking chair, her wife was flipping through a book of some sort.
"It's my baby book," Cassandra said, her tone emotionless. "I have never seen this before..." she thumbed through the pages, skimming their contents. It was amazingly complete, even down to holding an envelope containing a lock of her first baby curl. "I never expected my mother to be the type to do this..." she continued, her eyes glued to the pages. Cassandra had never even known what day of the week she was born on or what time of day, much less did she know little details, like her first word. Thank god it wasn't "da da"...
"It's in her handwriting," Cassandra said. She looked up at Shelby and shoved the book in her direction, clearly enthralled. "Usually my mother paid people to do everything for us. She even used to hire someone to put up the Christmas tree." Cassandra stood, clearing her throat, and then her mind with a cleansing breath. Don't get too excited that mom is suddenly a good person. Don't forget who she was to you and Monica.
Shelby really wasn't sure what to say in reply. The whole situation was a lot to wrap her mind around, much less talk about. She decided to not reply ,but instead reach over and squeeze her wife's hand, comforting her. There was a beat before she sucked in a breath and turned to address her daughter.
"Whatcha got there Rachel?" She asked, kindly moving to sit on the floor in front of the dresser. The bottom drawer of the dresser had been dragged open, containing the keys and secrets of all of the July sisters' childhoods.
"This one's Cady's baby book, Mommy," Rachel spoke, utterly fascinated. "It says all kinds of stuff about her, like the time of day she was born, and it has that little bracelet she wore home from the hospital on this page, see?" Rachel showed her mother, shifting the book to set it in her mother's lap. "It's not finished yet, though…"
"I will help her finish it," Cassandra decided, reaching into the drawer and pulling out a third baby album. This one was older than the other two, which made her blood run cold. She knew exactly whose it was. She couldn't deal with this. She set it in the "take home" box without even opening it.
"What was that one, Mama?" Rachel asked, tilting her head to the side. Her mother had been meticulously going through each thing, so it was odd of her to just put that one to the side without first going through it.
"Nothing, Little Star. I just don't think we should spend all of our time in just this room. I'm getting a little caught up with things, and we don't have a lot of time to go through this whole manor, you know?" Cassandra cleared her throat. She knew Shelby was staring at her. She didn't meet her wife's eyes. Instead, she stood and brushed off her pants. "On to the next thing." She held her hand out for Rachel to take and lead her out of the room, not even looking back at the box that she fully intended to send back to Ohio, (likely to hide it away there just like her mother had here, where she wouldn't have to think about it).
. .
"Fuck!" Dee tapped on the keyboard of the laptop that sat on the small mahogany table inside of a comparably large main office belonging to Jason July. The study had two computers in it: a standard two-screen PC, and an updated laptop. Dee's gut had told her to start with the laptop. It was password protected, but she had gotten logged on first try using Cassie's birthday, which was both exciting and unsettling. Glancing over the icons that were pulled up and a quick click of pictures was enough for Dee to ascertain that this was actually Megan's computer. Dee curiously hovered the mouse before clicking onto Quicken, not knowing what to expect. What she really didn't expect to find was an account tied to some bank in California. California? Isn't there where Cassie's aunt lives?
Dee's first reaction was to click on the balance, which she did. She picked up her glasses with a slightly shaky hand and slid them onto her face to double check the numbers in front of her. Surely she was not seeing it right...Surely not…
Shit. Shit! There's no way in hell… Dee thought to herself. I need to verify this. I need more information. Where is this bank? Dee clicked wherever the page would let her, as fast as she could. This was just a run of the mill banking software program, but the amount it showed felt like it didn't belong there.
She needed to talk to Cassandra and Shelby, and probably needed to plan on digging around a lot deeper than just looking through these things at a surface level. There was some serious shit going on here... This was a secret account that seemed to be hiding in plain sight. The lawyer could only consider that the easy access was designed purposefully. Megan had wanted Cassandra to find this. If Jason was as oblivious as most men were, he wouldn't have even found it worth his time and energy to keep up with his wife's business.
Dee sprinted up the hall, opening a few doors until she finally found the small powder room.
Coffee, she was definitely going to need more coffee.
. . .
Cassandra rolled her neck, feeling exhausted but like she had accomplished virtually nothing. There was no way in hell they were going to be able to go through everything in the house, and she didn't have a good enough relationship with her mother to know the method to her madness in terms of where the important things were. She felt overwhelmed and unsure where to even go from here. She glanced down at her phone on the couch next to her and picked it up, hesitantly.
Would Aunt Melissa come out and help if I asked her? Flying across the country again seems like a hefty favor to ask of someone, especially so soon after the funeral...though she did say she hasn't been working lately, and that she wanted to be more involved in my life...maybe this could be a...shit, I don't know...a bonding experience? How fucked up is that…
Cassandra threw the question back and forth in her head and sighed, feeling like she was getting nowhere.
The worst that's going to happen is that she'll say she can't come out here. It's not like that would be too shocking. I don't want to make her feel like she has to, either…
She glanced over at Shelby. "We need more help," she admitted. "I am not inviting the vultures of my extended family to come in here, and hiring professionals isn't going to help because they don't know my mother personally and this is a family business. She lived in organized chaos, and I need to make sure we get the important stuff out of here before we sell the rest of it off or whatever we decide to do with it…"
"Well…" Shelby contemplated their situation, sitting down on the other side of her wife. Rachel crawled up into her mother's lap and Shelby ran her fingers through Rachel's hair in thought. "What if you called your Aunt Melissa? Do you think she'd fly all the way out here to help? Maybe she could book a red eye tonight or something?"
Maybe I'm not crazy, maybe it's a logical thing to ask of someone. Or maybe we're both high maintenance.
"I guess I could call her and ask...the worst she could say is no," Cassandra repeated the sentiment out loud, hoping to get the concept through her head that way. She picked up her phone and flipped it over in her hands for a minute before sucking in a breath and clicking Melissa's name in her contacts.
One ring...two rings...three rings…
This is a dumb idea, I can't ask her to fly across the country just because I am acting like a child, she doesn't even know me-
"Hello?"
Fuck.
"Melissa? Mel, sorry," Cassandra amended, remembering that her aunt had asked to be called by her nickname. This was such uncharted territory. Why are you so nervous, July? Get your shit together, she's your aunt, not the fucking Queen of England.
"Cassie, hi!" Melissa's voice was perky and full of optimism. Cassandra let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. It was so refreshing that Melissa was so different now that they were both older. Cassandra contemplated on the fact that she hadn't known her aunt since before she became widowed, and had an intrusive thought that maybe there was some weight to that. "What's going on? Is everything okay?"
"Um," Cassandra's breath was shaky. Things were so far from okay, but that was more than a phone call could fix. "I am at my parents' manor, and I...I am feeling very overwhelmed and like I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and I was wondering…"
Rachel, sensing her mother's anxiety, crawled from Shelby's lap into Cassandra's, nuzzling her head into her neck. Cassandra wrapped one comforting arm around Rachel, grateful for the comfort and familiarity. She elected not to burst into tears.
"I was wondering if it might be possible for you to fly out here and help me for the week? I- I understand if that is asking way too much, I know California is really far away from New Jersey, but-"
"I would be honored to come help, Cassie. It's the least I can do, truly." Melissa cut her off so as to not let her continue to torture herself. Cassandra bit the inside of her cheek. "Let me look at flights and see how soon I can come out."
"Are...you sure?" Cassandra asked. This all felt too easy. Why did Melissa feel like she owed her? She felt even worse asking for favors that she didn't feel she deserved.
"I told you, I'm not working right now, I have nothing tying me up. It's really okay. It will be good to get to spend some time with you and I know your mother well enough to know where she's putting the things you need to go through this week. Everything else I can handle- I can set up an estate sale so that you don't have to worry about it and then you should be good to figure out what you want to do with the rest of the house. Would that help?"
Cassandra nodded and then remembered she was just on the phone. "Immensely." she managed to say. "I...that would be so helpful, I don't know how I would even begin to thank you-"
"You don't have to, it's okay," Melissa tried her best to reassure her. Her tone seemed genuine enough, and warm, but that didn't stop Cassandra from feeling bad. "I will look at flights right now and text you once I find out how soon I can get there. Okay?"
"I..yeah. Yes. Thank you, Mel. I… thank you. I'll hear from you soon then?" Cassandra held her phone between her ear and her shoulder, cuddled Rachel with one hand, and picked her lips nervously with her other hand.
"Of course, Cassie. Don't worry about it. I promise. I'll text you soon." Melissa kept her tone as reassuring as possible. She knew her niece was likely very overwhelmed and frustrated, especially since it was likely she hadn't been back in the manor since Monica's death.
When she hung up, Cassandra knocked her phone down and cuddled Rachel closer, taking a few deep breaths. She had felt so confident that she knew what she was looking for coming in, but now that they had walked through the rooms it all felt like it was falling apart. What did she save and send back to Ohio and what did she sell? What important documents were in her father's study? The last thing she wanted to do was go in there, so she was glad that Dee had elected to do it for her. She knew there had to be lots of important documents that she couldn't just leave there. What the hell was she supposed to do with the manor once they'd gone through everything? Hopefully her aunt would have a better awareness of what to do.
. . .
"Look at me," Rachel exclaimed to her Aunt Dee while bobbing up and down in the lukewarm water of the hotel's pool. It was late enough at night that they were alone in the space, and technically breaking the rules (adult swim started at seven and it was now going on eight thirty), but Dee didn't see the harm in taking her niece swimming when no one else was around. If someone else showed up, Dee decided she could take Rachel back up to the hotel room, but she wanted to give Rachel this experience and she had volunteered to take her before Shelby or Cassandra could agree when Rachel had announced she wanted to go. Dee knew that Shelby and Cassandra needed some time to breathe anyways, and she figured that it was the least she could do to watch Rachel for a couple of hours.
"See how high I can jump?!" Rachel said excitedly, crouching down and then promptly shooting up above the water and landing with a splash back down. She giggled, imagining herself being like a dolphin jumping up out of the water in the ocean.
"I see sweetie," Dee smiled, swishing her legs around as she sat at the edge of the pool and supervised. She longed for this bonding time with her great niece, especially since she couldn't have these moments with Shelby anymore. Living around Shelby all grown up was wonderful, and Dee was grateful to make new memories with her, but she also found herself longing for more memories like this from when Shelby was little. They hadn't had a chance to form a close relationship until Shelby was in high school, and Dee couldn't help but feel that she had missed out on some bonding opportunities because of her sister and sister's husband.
Rachel was having a blast, though. Dee slipped back into the water, moving to stand in front of Rachel.
"Rach, would you like me to teach you how to float?" Dee asked, knowing that would be an important thing for a beginner to learn. Floating took a lot of trust, though, and Dee hoped Rachel was up to the challenge. More importantly, she hoped that their relationship was close enough for Rachel to trust her in this way.
"Would you teach me, Aunt Dee?" Rachel asked, excitedly launching herself down into the water and propelling herself so that she could wrap her little legs around Dee's waist. Dee grinned, swinging the nine-year-old around and causing her to shriek with glee.
Dee settled Rachel back down by rubbing her back and guiding the two of them into the slightly deeper water. "Ok, Rach, you listen carefully to my voice and we will teach you to float."
The lawyer was taken back at the trust she saw pooling in those big brown eyes. Feeling hopeful, she helped Rachel lay on her back on the water's surface and then placed her arms under her for support. Dee was not one hundred percent sure that this would work- it was a lot to ask of anybody to relax their body, trust themselves, and trust their teacher enough to know they would be okay.
To Rachel's credit, she did not panic when she started to sink. Instead, she reached trustingly for her great Aunt and they tried again. It only took Rachel about ten minutes before she got the hang of it, realizing that she had to breathe deeply and slowly in order to convince her body to stay above the water. Dee stepped back to give Shelby's daughter room to stretch out as the water lapped gently around them. Dee could only hope that someday soon, Shelby could have this same level of trust in her again.
"I did it, Aunt Dee!" Rachel cheered, her body tensing at the movement as she fell out of her floating state. Dee dove to catch her before she sank into the water and she grinned from ear to ear. Dee swallowed back memories of Shelby at this age. Hot tears threatened to spill from her eyes but she shook them away. It was her fault that Shelby didn't trust her. She knew that.
"Yes, you did, Rachel. I'm so proud of you," Dee said to her, kissing her on the forehead.
Rachel beamed as they glided back over to the shallow end. She wanted to pretend to be a mermaid. She had a whole story planned.
"Watch this!" She exclaimed as she tilted her head back to wet her long brown hair. "Look! My hair is wavy under the water like mermaid hair!"
Dee felt Rachel's excitement radiating off of her. It was refreshing that the little one was so in love with life. Trust was given freely from the young. Life tended to skew that, and people could get so caught up with the anxiety and stress that came with living day to day that it was hard sometimes to work through the bullshit and just… exist, happily. Dee wondered if Shelby and Cassandra would ever experience that young vulnerability again, with all they had gone through. Guilt ate at her for causing some of that trauma. As she watched young Rachel laugh and play, she could only hope that one day soon, that might be the case, and they could work through their trauma together.
"Aunt Dee Dee," Rachel drew Dee's thoughts back to the present, practically reading her mind as the little girl had been watching her aunt's facial expressions carefully. She could tell that Dee was upset about something. "Mommy loves you very much and Mama does too. It's like when we brought Cady to the mansion and Barbra hid under the bed all the time. They just need some time. They will come around. We are family. We stick together, even though one of us can make a mistake sometimes."
Out of the mouth of babes... Dee thought to herself. Out of the mouth of babes.
. . .
Alone...blissfully alone, Shelby thought to herself, leaning her head back to let it rest on Cassandra's shoulder, then turning ever so slightly to place a kiss to the back of Cassandra's ear.
The brunette was rewarded with the most delicious of groans, which only motivated her to turn in her wife's arms and devote a more direct approach. Cassandra usually took the lead during their more intimate moments, but Shelby, knowing her wife well, could tell that Cassandra was the one who needed some attention first tonight. Cassandra's moan was music to Shelby's ears. She let her index finger push Cassandra's blonde hair behind her ear before she leaned forward and whispered,
"Gods, do you know how much I love you Cassandra?"
She nuzzled her ear with her nose, letting her other hand wrap around her wife's back to hold her steady against the slick surface of the hotel shower. "You listen to me, Cassandra July, I want you to feel my love for you…" Shelby's words cut off abruptly as she flicked her wife's earlobe with her tongue and then trailed the softest of kisses across her arched neck.
When Cassandra opened her mouth to speak, Shelby held a finger to her lips.
"Just feel," Shelby said with a rich low purr, "Close your eyes and feel.."
Cassandra took a deep breath in and then slowly let it out, allowing the tension to leave her neck, then her shoulders, then her midriff, and finally the rest of her body. She closed her eyes as Shelby told her to, feeling out of her element as the submissive, but willing to comply, this time.
She could feel her wife's hands winding tighter around her, sliding up her back and then back down with the soft scratch of her fingernails. Cassandra sucked in a breath as Shelby adjusted her grip, moving her hand to tease the nerves between Cassandra's legs with a soft flick of her fingers, before moving to pick her up. Cassandra allowed herself to be guided over to the seated area in the fancy hotel suite's shower. Shelby's lips placed hot kisses to her collarbone, sternum, and then to her breast. They were slightly out of the warmth of the water now, but steam had quickly filled the small space and made their wet bodies more comfortable being exposed to the cooler air.
Cassandra started to open her eyes to see what Shelby was doing, but felt Shelby's hand cover the top half of her face. "Mmm mmm. No. Feeling only." Shelby insisted.
Shocked at her wife's sudden authority, Cassandra couldn't find the energy to protest. She could feel her legs being nudged apart, and she allowed the movement, holding the edge of the stone shower seat for balance. When Shelby started teasing with her mouth, Cassandra bit her cheek and tilted her head back, finally allowing herself to fully give in to the need to feel. She had felt so numb, recently. Every single day of her life some new situation was hitting her like a ton of bricks, and she had shut herself down so that she wouldn't break down. For the first time in a long time, Cassandra could feel her body and felt that she was living in the present. For this moment in time, she was able to exist without dissociating.
"Jesus, fuck, Shelby…" Cassandra ran her hands through her wife's tangled hair.
Shelby paused momentarily, "Don't bring him into this…"
Cassandra laughed, feeling the vibration of Shelby's voice against her. "Don't you ever stop again," She insisted.
Pleasantly shocked at her wife's tone, Shelby disobeyed long enough to say, "I'm in charge here."
Cassandra whimpered in protest, but Shelby taking charge sent a jolt through her body that she refused to hold back. Shelby moaned into her in response.
You are alive. You are living. And it's moments like these that you've been letting yourself take for granted- Cassandra was mad at herself for how long it had taken her to realize, but her thoughts were cut off rather abruptly as she lost the ability to think.
Shelby stood briefly and straddled Cassandra's dominant leg, leaning into her wife and placing kisses to her neck to let her cool down for a minute. Cassandra wasted no time, though, in lifting her leg ever so slightly and causing Shelby's back to arch. Cassandra felt Shelby's voice at her ear.
"I love you," Shelby whispered, feeling weak, and grateful for Cassandra's taking control. She rocked against her, Cassandra's skin slippery and warm against her own. Shelby was so wound up that Cassandra's hot breath saying, "Oh, Shelby, I love you so much," was enough for her to fall against Cassandra in a blissful, final breath.
This moment they had taken for themselves was so needed. As their breathing fell into its normal pace, the sound of the water hitting the tile floor filled the space. Shelby took a second before starting to feel chilled. Slowly, she slid off of Cassandra's lap and pulled her to a standing position, dragging them both under the water to warm up again.
Shelby played images back in her head of their day, the week's stressors rolling down her back and down the drain as Cassandar gently started soaping her back with her hands. Cassandra was deliberate, soft, and kept eye contact until she couldn't anymore.
Shelby could not have felt more loved as her wife slowly ran soap across her bottom and legs, before nudging her to turn around. Cassandra slid soapy hands up Shelby's legs, placed a kiss to her stomach, and then lathered her body the rest of the way, stopping at her breasts and massaging for a moment. A small smile-parted Shelby's lips. Cassandra pressed her body against Shelby's as she reached behind her to grab shampoo, running her hands through Shelby's hair and massaging her head. Shelby leaned her head back and let warm water rinse all of her negative energy away. The water was going to get cold soon, she realized, so she switched positions in order to do the same for Cassandra.
By the time they turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, it was only because they had to. The water had cooled, and Dee and Rachel would likely be back from the downstairs pool very soon. Taking full advantage of staying in a luxury hotel, both women quickly wrapped themselves in the soft fuzzy hotel bathrobes before walking, hands laced, to the suite's kitchen. They had brought a moscato from Hell Manor and had been letting it chill in the fridge for a while. As Cassandra used a finicky corkscrew to open the bottle, Shelby wrapped her arms around her wife from behind and laid her head on her shoulder. She was warm and smelled like lavender.
She accepted a glass from Cassandra and took a long sip of it, following her to the living area of the suite. Before they sat down, Cassandra pointed to the window, which was sparkling from the city lights reflecting off of the Hudson. Shelby paused to take in the view, wrapping her free arm around Cassandra's waist. She let out a content breath, feeling for the first time in a while like things just might be okay.
Cassandra drank from her glass and let her mind roam as they looked out over the Hudson. Her heart ached from the memories that the Hudson River brought to her, but she felt a sense of calm wash over her from the comfort of the city. She knew that there was no way they could stay in Ohio forever, and that it was selfish of her to ask that of Shelby when they were so young. She stared at the city lights and then glanced over at her wife, who was in awe of them, as always.
I'll bring you home, Shelby. Cassandra thought to herself. We'll get you home.