Hello my lovelies! I hope you are all having a good day and are safe and healthy. This year has been a long one, but I'm thankful to be here and continuing this story for you guys. Your support means so much to me and I can't wait to show you the amazingness that lies ahead. In the meantime, enjoy this chapter and Happy Holidays!
Very special thanks to my beta
**Trigger Warning: Abuse**
Disclaimer: All TMI characters belong to Cassandra Clare :)
Chapter Songs:
**You Don't Even Know Me by Faouzia (Scene 1)
**Dusk Till Dawn by ZAYN ft. Sia (Scene 2)
**Through the Dark by Vanbur (Scene 3)
**So Close to Magic by Aquilo (Scene 4)
Something was wrong.
Clary couldn't quite put her finger on it, but the past couple of days had been confusing to say the least. At first, she was almost certain that she and Jace were making progress. He was no longer the growling, anti-social man she'd met in that convenience store bathroom. Instead, he appeared to actually enjoy her company and his hard exterior was slowly softening.
But then everything seemed to change at the drop of a hat. Where he once held her hand as they roamed the streets of a new city, he now simply walked beside her. The little smiles he gave her, his protective tendencies, and his oddly endearing habit of tucking her hair behind her ear all but disappeared. Worst of all, their easy banter had turned to stoney silence.
It was as if they were strangers again.
Clary had no idea what happened to make it all go wrong. For hours she wondered what could have been the tipping point for him. Was her cheery personality too overbearing? Did she break too many of his rules? Was he starting to realize he'd be better off alone?
Left to her own devices, Clary could think of endless possibilities—each one more heartbreaking than the last. To feel like she wasn't wanted, not even as a friend, wasn't a good feeling at all. Maybe she shouldn't have been surprised, given Jace's reputation—and his own warnings in the beginning—but she thought their situation was different. She thought she saw something in him that no one else did and vice versa, but clearly that wasn't the case and it was naive of her to think otherwise.
When Clary awoke that morning to an empty hotel room, she didn't falter, didn't blink, because it was what she'd come to expect if the past two days were anything to go by. On the nightstand was a note written in Jace's surprisingly neat handwriting. With a sigh, she rose to read it, already having an idea of what it would say.
Went on a run. Be back later ~J
Heart sinking, Clary balled the note up and tossed it in the bathroom's trash bin before starting her usual routine. She had no idea when Jace would be back. It was as if he had a newfound mission to spend the least amount of time in her vicinity as possible. It was almost comical how hard he tried to avoid her, but the joke was clearly on her. The whole thing left her feeling isolated and confused, and there was only one person who could help her dig herself out of the hole she was in.
And of course, Simon picked up after the very first ring.
"What's up, C! How's my favorite redhead?"
Clary's lips tipped up in a smile, that tightness in her chest temporarily loosening at the sound of his voice. "She misses her best friend."
He must have noticed the look on her face because his brows knitted together in concern. "Woah, what's going on? Florida not living up to the hype?"
She shook her head. "We just got in last night, so I haven't really seen much of anything yet, but that's not the problem." Her eyes went to her lap. "I've been having some trouble lately and I could really use your advice."
Simon immediately frowned. "Did Lightwood do something to you?"
Clary's lips parted in shock at that being his first thought. "No, of course not. He's actually been pretty great up until recently."
"What's changed?" he asked, now appearing confused.
She sighed. "I don't know. From the beginning, no one seemed to think that this would work, but somehow we found a way. I know you, as well as everyone else, have heard the rumors about him, but that's not the Jace I got. He's been kind, considerate, and he's constantly looking out for me. I thought he might have started to care about me a little, but now I just feel like an idiot."
"If anything, he's the idiot." Simon pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "He'd be lucky to have you as a friend, and it's his loss if he doesn't realize that."
"Thanks, Si." She appreciated the compliment, but he was clearly a little biased being her best friend. "I guess I'm just confused. One minute we seemed to be getting along fine and the next it's as if he wants nothing to do with me."
"Has he given you any clue as to what's going on?" Simon asked, his eyes showing that he wanted to help as best he could.
"No, that's what frustrates me the most. It all happened so sudden, and after a really nice day that I thought brought us a little closer." Clary tucked her hair behind her ear. "So that's where you come in."
His eyes widened. "How so?"
She shrugged. "As a fellow man, you have more insight into the complex male brain. You know better than I do how guys think, so help me out here."
Simon scoffed. "Yeah, I know how guys think, not assholes. This dude is clearly in a league of his own."
"He's not an ash-mole," Clary told him, still not able to help coming to Jace's defense. "I think he just has trouble letting people in, or maybe he doesn't want to let people in. He even made a list of rules we had to follow, as ridiculous as that sounds. Now, though, I'm pretty certain he did that to keep me at arms length."
"The Clary I know would never follow some stupid rulebook, so I'm guessing you broke a few?" he pondered.
She immediately blushed, thinking of all the times they allowed themselves to get close to each other. His hands cupping her face, her arms around his neck, their fingers intertwined. "I might have. So did he."
Simon's lips tipped up into a smile as he nodded to himself. "Okay, I think I see what's going on here."
Clary perked up at that. "You do?"
"Hold on, let me put my asshole hat on." He mimed putting on a hat, making her giggle. "It sounds to me like he's angry with himself, not you. He's used to having total control over any situation, used to people falling in line and practically bowing down to him. Then you came along, with your kind heart and bubbly personality, most likely bringing some warmth into that cold, icy heart of his. But instead of embracing it, he's chosen to stay frozen, and in order to keep it that way, he put up an impenetrable wall between you two."
Clary was stunned into silence. Sometimes she forgot how smart and insightful Simon could be when it really counted. He was an amazing person, but an even better friend. Picking her jaw up off the floor, she finally managed to respond. "Wow, you really are a man whisperer. I never would have come to that conclusion on my own."
"It's just a shot in the dark. I only know what you tell me, so I could be wrong," he told her. "But if I'm right, this guy's got his work cut out for him."
She tilted her head. "What do you mean?"
"I have a feeling that when he's done sulking, he'll realize what a mistake he's made in treating you this way." His gaze turned serious. "I just hope you don't wait around for him to come to his senses. You've been dreaming about this trip for years, C. Don't let him ruin it."
Clary sighed. "What am I supposed to do in the meantime? I'm kind of lost at the moment."
"Do what you do best. Be a social butterfly." Simon gave her a knowing grin. "I've seen the way you interact with people. You make them feel like you'd give them the shirt off your back after just one conversation. So get out there, be yourself, and live out every single one of your dreams. Don't put your happiness in anyone's hands but your own."
"You're right." She nodded to herself, finally getting that kick in the butt she needed. "If it's space he wants, he's got it. I'm not going to just sit around like some bored housewife. My journey isn't over and I'm going to see it through even if I have to do it alone."
"That's the Clary I know." He gave her a drumroll. "So, what's on the schedule today?"
"You know what? I think I'll go have a relaxing day on the beach," she said, feeling content with her decision.
"I wish I could be there with you, but as you know, Florida wasn't on the school's itinerary because they didn't want to risk a hurricane," he said with a roll of his eyes.
"I wish you were here too. It's beautiful, like something out of Baywatch."
Simon got a faraway look in his eyes. "Oh, what I would give to see a young Pamela Anderson running along the beach in that red swimsuit."
Clary let out a laugh, the sound music to her own ears. She felt like herself again. "Sorry, I'm too busy thinking about a young David Hasselhoff in swim trunks."
"Ugh, you ruined it." There was another voice in the background, causing Simon's gaze to stray to the person. After a bit of back and forth, he told them he'd be ready in a second before turning back to the phone. "Sorry, the bus is here to take us to the Space and Rocket Center—something to actually be excited about. They even have a simulator, so I may or may not pretend that I'm Han Solo when I'm in there."
She smiled. "Well, I wouldn't dare keep you from that, so I'll let you go. Thanks again for letting me pick your brain; you're a lifesaver."
"Anything to help," Simon told her. "Now go out and enjoy your day. I want to see pictures!"
"Consider it done." Blowing him a playful kiss, she sent him off with a, "Bon voyage, Mr. Lewis. May the force be with you."
He put a hand to his chest and gave her a nod, clearly in character. "And also with you."
With one last giggle, Clary waved goodbye and ended the call. Just as she'd hoped, with the help of her best friend, she was no longer in that hole. Instead, there was a newfound determination to take back control and give herself what she wanted.
Clary had risked it all when she found the courage to fight back against her father and escape. This was her time to spread her wings, not sit in a hotel room and sulk over some boy. She was on a mission to find herself. To discover how high she could fly, being freed from Valentine's control.
Decision made, Clary jumped from the bed and quickly redressed into her beach attire. Though, as she gathered her things, she couldn't help thinking about Jace and how selfless he'd been when he got them for her. Despite his actions over the past couple days, Clary knew he was a good, thoughtful man deep down. If only he stopped trying to suppress that part of himself, he'd realize that letting people in didn't have to be a bad thing.
But as the saying went, the show must go on.
Clary could only hope that she wasn't in the finale alone.
.o.O.o.
Jace was losing his mind.
After talking with Isabelle, he'd been sure he made the right decision. By keeping his distance from Clary, he was protecting her from any possibility of getting hurt. He'd already let her get closer than anyone in a long time, and it was dangerous for him to let it go any further.
The concept seemed simple enough; he only had to treat her like everyone else that came and went from his life. Like she was just a blip on his radar, not someone he could envision some sort of future with.
There was just one problem with his plan, though. In all his infinite wisdom, Jace didn't account for how fucking miserable this decision would leave him. He thought he could just go back to being her friend while also abiding by his rules, but he should have known better. All it took was one look from those emeralds and he was ready to burn that rulebook to ash.
Everything about her just called to him. Many times, he found himself reaching for her hand in the street, only to reluctantly pull back. Or hesitating to move her hair out of her face, wanting to feel the softness of her skin against his fingertips. The more they were together, the harder it became to keep that wall up between them. She brought out every protective instinct he had, and keeping her safe was starting to become his top priority. Which was why drastic measures needed to be taken.
Since he could no longer trust himself around her, Jace's only choice was to ice her out completely. If he was going to stay strong, he had to avoid her at all costs—but no matter how many runs he went on, drives he took, or workouts he pushed himself through, he couldn't get her out of his head.
He knew the effect his silence had on her; he could see it in her eyes how upset and confused she was. Though, instead of telling her what was up and why things had changed between them, he took the cowards way out.
There was an intense battle inside him between what he wanted and what needed to be done. After all, it would be better for Clary in the long run if she saw him for the asshole he was and not some sort of Prince Charming. Jace would never be the hero in anyone's story, only the villain.
Isabelle was right when she said he'd been playing the game for far too long. He didn't know the first thing about being in a healthy, committed relationship. And even though Clary got under his skin like nothing else and made him feel things he'd never felt before, it would never be good enough. There were too many skeletons in his closet and the darkness in his past made him unworthy of any kind of happiness.
But after going days without her smile and hearing her ramble on about the things that made her happy, Jace began to wonder if his choices made him a sadist or a masochist. He didn't have to wonder for long, though, because as soon as he returned to an empty hotel room and saw that Clary had written a note of her own, he knew it was the latter.
Went to the beach. Be back later :) ~Princess
Even though Jace felt like complete shit, he couldn't help but smile at the note. She'd thrown his words right back at him and her smiley face might as well have been a middle finger right to his face. In a way, he was proud of her. She'd never been one to take his shit and he was glad she wasn't starting now. The note just confirmed that his actions over the past couple days hadn't broken her.
But as proud as he was, Jace still didn't like the idea of her out there alone. Just knowing how clumsy and trusting she was wracked his brain with worry. If something happened to her he would never forgive himself.
But what could he do?
She was her own woman and could do whatever the hell she wanted. At this point, he didn't have the right to tell her anything, and he only had himself to blame. Karma really was a cruel son of a bitch.
Getting his phone from his pocket, he opened the Find My Friends app and checked Clary's location. She was the first non-family member he'd added, but not unlike his family, her safety was his primary concern. So when he saw that she was only a few blocks away at the beach—exactly as she'd said—he allowed himself a temporary reprieve from his worry.
It was clear he needed a serious distraction, so after a quick shower to wash off the sweat from his run, Jace sat on the edge of his bed and turned on ESPN. Soon, he became lost in commentary and highlights from a few UFC fights. Before Clary came into his life, immersing himself in the world of MMA was the closest he'd come to a happy place. From a young age, he couldn't help but admire the craft. He liked the idea that anyone from any kind of background could become a champion. That when they stepped onto that mat, everything else was left behind and all that mattered was defeating the obstacle right in front of them.
Jace had dreamed of becoming one of the greats, but to be one he'd have to let go of his anger and learn control, discipline. There was so much he wasn't willing to face and that was holding him back. Fighting underground didn't give him the satisfaction he longed for. The fights were sloppy, no holds barred, where no one gave a shit if he lived or died. It was a slap in the face to the art of MMA, but it was all he had. All he would ever have.
When Jace stepped into the ring, he wasn't a fine tuned machine in complete control, he was a beast unchained ready to demolish whoever stood in front of him. It was barbaric, but he was no gladiator fighting for honor. He was just a man filled with rage, looking for any outlet to release it.
So watching other men live out his dream was as close as he'd ever get to feeling any kind of satisfaction.
Jace was pulled back into the present—which had to have been hours later—when his phone began blaring beside him. He didn't know what to expect—a text from one of his siblings? A DM from one of his past hookups? Organizers looking to arrange another fight?—but once he saw what was actually in front of him, his brief moment of calm was shattered by two words.
Hurricane Warning.
Jumping to his feet, Jace raced over to the balcony door to get a closer look. He'd completely spaced out and hadn't been aware of anything around him. The sky was getting darker, and not because night was approaching. The clouds were a dark, angry gray, as if they were going to open to a downpour at any second. And those wind speeds looked nothing like a gentle breeze. He knew Florida's weather was unpredictable, that a sunny day could turn into the storm of a lifetime at the flip of a switch, but he was hoping they'd skate by.
Cursing under his breath, Jace returned to his phone to check Clary's location, his jaw clenching when he saw that she was still on the beach. Surely she had to have known shit was about to hit the fan. Then he remembered the headphones she carried around with her ever since he started his idiotic stint to ignore her. If she was on that beach lost in her music, she could have confused the harsh winds for a strong breeze from the ocean.
It was then that he heard the first crack of thunder, and in an instant the rain came pouring down. One minute everything was fine and the next it looked like a fucking Sharknado movie. He was surprised some sort of siren wasn't going off.
Jace tried to stay calm, but for the next few minutes he could do nothing but refresh his screen, willing for Clary's icon to move. Though, the longer he stood there without anything happening, the more his slim grasp on control began to slip. He should have been out there with her, making sure she was okay. He had no doubt that she could take care of herself, but he'd lose his fucking mind if he just stood by and allowed her to get hurt.
It took another crack of thunder and a flash of lightning for Jace to finally snap. She wasn't moving, and at that point she had to be in the eye of the storm. Without another thought, he pocketed his phone and swiped his keys from the dresser. He didn't bother with any protection from the storm, none of that was on his mind. She was out there somewhere and he had to find her. That was all that mattered to him in that moment.
With determined steps, Jace made his way to the door and threw it open, a man on a mission. But his mission was soon cut short when he immediately ran smack dab into a soaked, shocked Clary. The squeak of surprise she made at his presence was music to his ears.
Taking a step back, Clary looked up at him with wide eyes, her hair plastered to her forehead and cheeks. "What's wrong?"
Just the sound of her voice calmed his racing heart. "My phone said you were still at the beach and you weren't moving. I was gonna go out there and find you."
"In that weather? Are you crazy?"
"I was worried something might have happened . . ." he trailed off, giving her a once-over. She was absolutely drenched from head to toe, but it was her shivers that knocked him out of his stupor. He wasn't expecting this, but he quickly adjusted and motioned her inside as he went to get a fresh towel. "Did you walk all the way here?"
Clary avoided the bed, opting for the small table in the corner. "I didn't know what else to do."
Jace handed her the towel, and she took it without meeting his gaze. "You could have called me."
It was then that she looked up, their eyes locking while she did her best to dry her hair. "Could I have?"
Her answer was like a punch to the gut. Even though Jace had decided that his safest bet was to distance himself from her, he still wanted Clary to feel like he wouldn't hesitate to be there if she needed him. No matter how much space he put between them, she was never truly alone. But as much as he wanted to tell her that, he couldn't bring himself to do it. It was better that she found out who he really was now, before she put any more trust in him.
Clearing his throat, Jace quickly changed the subject and asked, "Where's your stuff?"
Disappointment marred her expression, but she answered anyway. "I left it in a locker back on the beach. I didn't want to lose anything so I figured that was the safest place for them."
He nodded. "Smart thinking. I'll drive you back to get it once this blows over."
Clary dropped the towel into her lap. "It's okay. I can walk."
Jesus, he'd fucked up royally. Not able to help himself, Jace took a step closer, forcing her to tilt her head back to look up at him. And knowing that it went against everything he'd been telling himself for the past few days, he slowly lifted his hand, his knuckles barely brushing the skin of her cheek. There was a slight intake of breath from her at the contact, and her grip on the towel in her lap became a little tighter.
With a sigh, Jace spoke in a low voice. "I know things have been weird and confusing lately, but I don't want you to mistake my distance for not caring. I'm working through a lot of shit right now, and even though this is as much of myself I'm able to give you, I'd still drop everything in a second if I knew you needed me."
His words were meant to soothe her, but apparently Clary wasn't convinced. Narrowing her eyes slightly, she pulled away from his touch and said, "What I needed was a friend. I don't know what happened between us, but I deserved more than to just be cast aside with no explanation. If it's space you want, wish granted. I can take care of myself." Jumping down from the table, she forced him to take a step back. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to wash the rain out of my hair and put on some dry clothes."
Before she left, another crack of thunder sounded outside, and her responding flinch had him more than a little concerned. Jace knew thunder could be surprising, but that didn't explain the flash of fear he'd seen in her eyes. He wanted badly to make sure everything was okay, but she'd made it clear that he forfeited his right to care when he shut her out. Her words were a kick in the balls, but she had every right to say them. She didn't deserve any of this, and she fucking knew it.
So all Jace could do was watch as she slipped that mask of confidence back on her face and brushed past him to get her things and lock herself in the bathroom.
At the sound of the shower, Jace finally released a frustrated groan and gripped his hair. A woman had never left him so rattled and he wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. The distance had helped, but every time he allowed himself to be in her presence, the more he got lost in her. In her eyes, in her smile, in her kind soul. Jesus, after just a few minutes of being near her again, his hands itched to pull her in close and keep her there for as long as he could.
After a little more brooding, Jace stopped to change for bed just as Clary emerged from the bathroom. Her eyes kept darting to the balcony door where the storm continued to rage on outside, and if he looked close enough, she had a slight tremble to her small frame. She was trying to be brave, probably not wanting him to think she was afraid, but it was clear that she was overwhelmed.
Acting as if he wasn't even there, Clary jumped into her bed and immediately reached for the hotel phone on the nightstand between them. He tried his best to appear nonchalant, pretending to look at something on his phone, but his ears were wide open.
After a moment Clary released a shaky breath. "Hey, Si. I know it's late, but a storm came and I had to leave my phone behind at the beach, but I'm safe and back at the hotel." There was a pause. "Yeah, it's a big one and pretty loud, but don't worry about me. I . . . I'll manage."
What Jace heard only confirmed what he'd thought. She was afraid of storms, and if her fear of heights was anything to go by, tonight would be a struggle. Especially if she thought her only source of comfort was miles and miles away.
After saying a few more words to her friend, Clary promised to get back in touch soon before slowly placing the phone back on the holder. She just sort of sat there for a moment afterwards, her breathing slow and deliberate. As if she was counting her breaths to stay calm.
That battle inside of him was turning into a war. How easy would it have been to drop everything and show her how much he cared? That she was the furthest thing from being alone. But how severe would the consequences be if he did? She'd just showed him that despite his actions, she would survive this—survive him—but Jace wasn't sure if the same would be true if she were to give him her heart instead. To hold something so precious in his hands would be the destruction of them both.
Though if things had to continue like they were for the unseeable future, Jace wasn't sure if he'd be able to survive her either.
.o.O.o.
Clary was no longer in Florida.
She was back home in Brooklyn, curled up in her tiny twin bed, her tattered sheets held tightly in her fist. There was a stillness in the air, only darkness surrounding her, but she'd never found peace in the quiet. She knew it was only a prerequisite for something much more sinister, and she had to always be ready.
Suddenly, Clary heard the loud thump of a shoe hitting the bottom stair, the force of it shaking the entire house. Every step after was like a slap of thunder, each one louder than the last. He was in no rush, wanting her fear to build as he got closer. He was a monster who hid in the shadows, waiting until his victim was at their most vulnerable to attack. This time, it seemed as though he was climbing an endless staircase, but she knew he would soon reach the end.
Clary could do nothing but curl inward and make herself as small as possible, wanting so badly to have the power to disappear. The footsteps were coming closer, making her flinch at each thunderous boom until he finally reached her. Adrenaline coursed through her veins as she steeled herself for what came next.
In the next instant, Valentine came crashing through the sad excuse of a barrier that was her door and charged into the room. Sitting up, Clary scrambled to the corner of her bed, trembling as she held her knees to her chest. He was nothing but a shadow, looming tall and shrinking the space around him.
Suddenly a hand came flying out, grabbing her by the hair and yanking her to stand. She opened her mouth to scream, but the sound was swallowed by the darkness. There was no way out. She was helpless to the monster before her and nothing could save her.
His large hands wasted no time wrapping around her throat, making her gasp for air that wasn't there. The room continued to shrink in size, her things falling into a black abyss until nothing was left. Until there was only him.
Her fear only seemed to feed the monster, the shadow in front of her rising to an impossible height. Clary felt her feet leave the ground as she fought to breathe, to gain any semblance of control.
"Did you really think you could get away from this? From me?"
"Please," she begged, her hands clawing but feeling nothing.
"I will forever be a part of you." He squeezed tighter. "No matter how far you run, I will always be there."
"No!" Suddenly, Clary felt the all too familiar handle of a frying pan in her grip. She knew exactly what she had to do. Gripping the handle with both hands, she brought it down with all the force she had, hitting the face of the shadow. The grip on her neck loosened and he got considerably smaller, so she did it again. She watched in disbelief as the large mass in front of her began collapsing in on itself. Her fear only fueled her will to keep fighting and soon he was reduced to nothing but a man on his knees.
Mustering all the strength she could, Clary took off running toward the speck of light at the end of a long stretch of nothingness. She had no idea where it would take her, but she didn't dare look back.
"Get back here, Clarissa!" Valentine boomed, his voice echoing off the walls closing in on her. "You can't escape me! You'll never escape me!"
As the light got closer, all she could hear was her father's sinister laugh as he called out to her.
Clarissa.
Clarissa.
Clarissa.
"Clary!" This voice was different. Instead of causing her pain, it did the complete opposite. The concerned tone was enough to pull her out of the deep recesses of her mind and back to reality. "Come on, wake up, princess."
Clary awoke on a gasp, her body still trembling as she struggled to come to terms with where she was. She wasn't back home with Valentine, she was in a hotel room in Florida.
"There you go," Jace murmured, his hands cupping her face gently. "It's okay, you're safe."
Clary let out a whimper that sounded pathetic even to her own ears, but there was no pity in Jace's eyes. It was then that she noticed how close they were. Her hands were clutching his arms tightly as he held himself carefully above her. It was quite jarring, considering hours before they weren't even speaking to one another.
She opened her mouth to say something, but he quickly pressed a finger to her lips.
"Shh, you don't have to say anything yet," he told her. "Just try to catch your breath, okay? In and out, just like me."
Clary didn't realize she was hyperventilating until he spoke, but with his help, she was able to slow her breaths down to an acceptable pace. When he moved one of his hands to sift through her hair, she closed her eyes on a sigh as the last ounces of fear left her body. He'd always had a way of making her feel protected, and she needed that now more than ever.
"I'm sorry for waking you," she whispered, opening her eyes to meet his tired ones. "I'm not usually like this, but with the storm . . . it's hard to keep the nightmares at bay."
"I thought we were done with sorries." He gave her a small smile, but his eyes remained serious. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Clary shivered as she remembered the contents of her dream, immediately shaking her head. "Not particularly."
"Fine by me." His thumb ran across her cheek. "As long as you're okay. You were screaming pretty loud there for a moment."
She wanted to bury herself under the blankets and never come out. "God, you must think I'm some sort of psycho."
His brows knitted together. "Not at all. We all have our demons, some have just gotten good at hiding them. Doesn't make it any less real."
"Thank you, Jace." She bit her lip. "About what I said earlier . . ."
He shook his head. "You had every right. I can't be an asshole to you one minute and your friend the next. You don't deserve to be jerked around like that."
"Then why did you do it?" she asked.
"I wish I knew, princess." He clenched his jaw. "I wish all of this was easier, but I've never been an easygoing kind of guy. I've been a fuck-up my whole life, and I don't want any of that to touch you."
Clary sighed, realizing now what was happening between them. "The monster."
Jace appeared confused. "What?"
"When this started, you told me you'd rather people see you as a monster than someone who had the potential to be good." She looked up at him, really looked at him. "You don't want to give me hope."
He drew back, his head turning as he closed his eyes briefly. "It's the way things have to be."
Feeling the fight drain out of her, Clary nodded solemnly, his words sounding final. "I understand." Her hands left his arms, going around her stomach. "But if this is the last night we have before everything changes, can you do something for me?"
His hand slowly glided down the side of her face, as if he couldn't help one last touch. "Whatever you want."
"Could you stay with me?" she asked, trying to make her voice strong as she met his gaze. "I just—I really don't want to be alone right now."
It took him a moment to answer, indecision clear in his expression. But after a few beats, a resigned look came to his face and he gave her a nod. "Okay."
With that, Jace rose from her bed and went over to his own, quickly grabbing a pillow. When he returned, he immediately put that pillow between them to act as a barrier before he let himself climb under the sheets with her. She gave him a peculiar look, but he didn't let up. "Trust me," was all he said.
Clary didn't question it, simply turning onto her side to face him, blocking out the sounds of the fading storm. Jace lay on his back, one of his hands tucked behind his head, showing off the corded muscle in his tattooed arm. Even laying down, he had a powerful presence that couldn't be ignored.
Despite her nightmare and everything leading up to it, it was the safest she'd felt in years. Because she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, he wouldn't let anything happen to her.
"Thank you," she whispered, allowing that sense of security to lull her back to sleep.
Jace turned to look at her. There were warring emotions in his golden eyes, as if there was something he wanted to tell her, but couldn't. So when he reached across the pillow to brush a piece of her hair out of her eyes, she could do nothing but revel in his touch, knowing that it wouldn't last.
"Sweet dreams, princess." And with that, he pulled away, his gaze lingering on hers for a moment longer until they returned to the ceiling.
It wasn't much longer that Clary found herself being pulled back into a more peaceful slumber. Things may not have been going the way she'd hoped, but she had faith that what was meant to be would be. Like Simon said, she couldn't wait around for Jace to come to his senses.
If things were going to change, their decisions couldn't be based in fear.
But hope.
.o.O.o.
Strawberries.
The sweet scent was all around him when Jace awoke that morning. It left him with a sense of calm that was usually close to impossible to come by. All of the anger and rage inside him was nowhere to be found, replaced by warmth and comfort. It wasn't until he opened his eyes, though, and became aware of his surroundings that he understood why.
There, lying on his chest, was a still dozing Clary. She was tucked firmly into his side, her hand over his heart and their legs intertwined. Her curls were fanned out across them like a blanket, the tendrils an array of reds and oranges under the morning light.
The sight made Jace immediately close his eyes again and curse silently. He'd never allowed himself to be in this position before, never dropped his guard enough to let a woman get this close. But Clary wasn't just any woman. She took everything he thought he wanted for himself and flipped it on its head.
Case in point, Jace never thought he'd be the kind of man to enjoy something as asinine as cuddling, but there he was with his arms wrapped tightly around Clary's waist, showing no signs of letting her go. When he searched for the pillow that was supposed to act as a buffer, he saw that it was no longer on the bed, but across the room on the floor. It seemed as though he chucked it out of the way—probably out of frustration—at some point in the night.
It was clear that while Jace's conscious mind wanted to keep her at arms length, his unconscious one needed her to be as close as possible. So why, now that he was awake, did he not want to let her go?
He convinced himself that it was because of her nightmare, that after such a hard night, he didn't want to interrupt the peace she'd unmistakably found in his arms. And damn did she look peaceful. Long, dark lashes brushed against her freckled cheeks as she inhaled and exhaled softly. Her face was like porcelain, her features looking even more delicate when she was completely relaxed.
It was almost unfair how fucking beautiful she was. Even in a faded band t-shirt and basketball shorts, she took his breath away, but he couldn't allow himself to feel things any deeper. Shit, who was he kidding? He was already there.
When Jace awoke to her screams of pure agony in the middle of the night, he'd been ready to take on anyone or anything. The sound had been gut-wrenching, so when it came to giving her the comfort she needed, he didn't hesitate. From the look in her eyes, Clary had expected pity from him, but after spending most of his life getting those looks from others, it'd been the last emotion he wanted to convey.
Being with her at such a vulnerable moment had Jace slightly on edge. After she rightfully handed him his ass, he wasn't sure if his help would have been welcome, but it seemed as though the cloak of darkness made it easy for both of them to drop their defenses and just be. It made him finally find the courage to be honest with her, making it clear that none of this was her fault, but his own. Clary appeared to understand his reasonings—even if they were bullshit—but the biggest thing he got from last night was that she was done fighting.
After days of confusion and sadness, Clary now seemed resigned with the way things had to be. As if she would no longer expect more from him, the same as everyone else in his life.
It should have made Jace happy. If he meant nothing special to her, she wouldn't get close enough to get her heart broken. In the end, that was all he wanted, but his decision may be one that breaks him.
Clary adjusted slightly in her sleep, nuzzling deeper into him. The action pulled him out of his thoughts and back to her. Despite their mutual understanding, it was clear that this pull between them wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. The way they were almost desperately clutching each other only proved that fact. So it was up to Jace to make sure they didn't succumb to what their souls so badly wanted.
A woman like Clary was capable of bringing a man like him to his knees. She made him weak, made him want to be better, but nothing he did would ever suffice. So he had to stay strong. As much as he wanted to be the hero, he had to continue to be the monster, as she'd wisely reminded him.
Jace wished things could be different, but the kind of life he'd led so far didn't warrant the happiness he would surely find with her. He needed to stay away, so by the end of their little adventure, Clary could go off and find her Prince Charming. The one who would cherish her and never hurt her.
For a few more moments, though, Jace let go of the worries for the future and simply held her. Lifting one of his hands, he cupped her cheek gently, making her sigh in her sleep. His eyes darted over her face, wanting to commit every inch to memory, because he knew it would be the last time he allowed himself to get this close.
When the time came, Jace closed his eyes on a sigh and leaned down, pressing his lips to the top of Clary's head.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair.
Then, with all the strength he could muster, Jace released his hold and carefully slipped out from under her. Clary must have been exhausted, because she barely budged when he readjusted and draped the covers back over her small frame. He felt the loss of warmth as soon as he stood, but he had to forge on.
After a quick change of clothes, he snuck one last backward glance as he grabbed his things. He'd done the hard part, now it was time to put the final nail in the coffin.
So, with the weight of the world on his shoulders, Jace did what he'd always done when the going got tough.
He left.
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A/N: Still cursing Isabelle? I know, me too. It seems like our boy Jace has a lot to think about, but Clary is one stubborn redhead and won't wait around forever. I'm sure we're all wondering what will be their breaking point, but you'll just have to wait and see. It might just be sooner than you think ;) Until next time, lovelies, here's the chapter fact,
Fun Fact: If you google the word "askew" your screen will actually tilt!