A/N: This is a Shuî chapter. Shuî is a sad boy. Abnegation is fucked up. Read with caution. Specifically, disordered eating, non-denominational christian guilt, familial abuse, and self harm.

Also in this chapter, Shuî doesn't understand colored contacts.

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Shuî's POV

It's been a while since I've chosen to clean. My grandmother always insisted on everything being spotless, and if we couldn't meet her standards fast enough, we'd be punished.

One time, I asked her why she wanted everything to be so pristine if beauty was to be ignored.

I got punished, because no good Abnegation child asks questions.

I thought that when I came here, I'd never clean again. I could live in a dump for all I care.

Three days of being here, and I can't stand the grime I leave behind. I never understood how much sweat, how much blood, how many tears poured out of me, and it's laughable to think that I could ever be okay with leaving them for someone else to clean up. I guess old habits die hard.

"So, let me get this straight. You actually want to help clean up? You know this won't give you points, right?" Tobias asks. I know his name is Four now, but it's hard to separate him from the boy in the rumors. Despite Abnegation viewing gossip as self indulgent, women always did it, discussing any and every non-standard action as the knit scarves for the factionless. I, of course, didn't mean to listen as I cleaned the next room over. Of course I didn't.

"The proper way to end a day is by cleaning after yourself. I'm sure you understand."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm sure you've taught other Abnegations before."

Tobias sighs and hands me the mop. "Yeah, sure, knock yourself out." He goes to get another mop for himself. "Oh, and for the record, you and Tris are the only former Abnegation I've trained."

Oh. Huh. I guess that makes sense. Tobias is the only one I heard gossip about.

I get to work cleaning the mat. There's a large bloodstain left over from Peter and Edward's fight. I'm surprised no one even tried to clean it up.

I wonder if Tobias recognizes me. We never spoke, but my family was in the rumor mill for as long as I can remember. Deaths tend to do that. Suicides tend to do that. But beyond all of that, did he ever recognize the way I sat at church, straight up and back refusing to touch the pew? He sat the same way, stiff backed and eyes avoiding everyone.

I want to ask him everything, but I can't. He buried the Abnegation part of him a long time ago, and I don't want to be the one digging up old corpses.

Perhaps I should have changed my name like he did. My grandmother always ordered me around using my middle name, Adam, since that's what she wanted me to be named in the first place, but most people still called me by my first name. Legal name changes were unnecessary until marriage, so my grandmother wasn't able to force a name change, and I was able to retain a connection to my mother.

I look over at Tobias, and he cleans in the same way I like to. Slow, methodical. It's comforting.

Does he know about the scars on my back? I'm sure everyone in our room has seen them. Even though I shower at different times than everyone, I'm sure they all know. Do they gossip about it? What's there to say? It's all perfectly standard for Abnegation. Asking Crimson to keep quiet about it was kind of pointless, if we're being honest.

Crimson. He was the first person to tell me what I'd been through was wrong. Part of me knew it all along, but hearing it out loud confirmed it.

Crimson. It's strange calling him a he. In Abnegation, you are what you're born as, and any deviation would be selfish. Even forms of self expression like an extra hair cut (or lack of one) are shunned. Even when I first met him, when he helped my sister, I thought he was just a girl. One who was strangely nice for an Erudite, sure, but ultimately just a girl I'd never get to talk to, never get to know. It would be unheard of for an Abnegation to speak to anyone outside of the faction, let alone an Erudite, the faction that's attacking our very way of being.

But Crimson rushed to an Abnegation's aid, without a second though.

Jiao mentioned how pretty she (he, now that I know) was, which was an odd thing to hear. Sure, she had the same appreciation for beauty that I had, even taking it further and drawing the things she found beautiful despite knowing she'd be punished for it, but I'd never heard her say it about a person.

I didn't give the situation much thought after. The Aptitude Test filled the rest of my brain. The anxiety of where I belonged, which I thought would go away after, soon turned into terror.

I belong in Abnegation.

And Dauntless.

And Amity.

I'm Divergent. A secret I have to keep for the rest of my life. Into the vault it goes.

The Choosing Ceremony was one of the hardest decisions in my life. I'd have to leave my sister behind. If I stayed, I wouldn't survive. There was too much pressure, like water threatening to fill my lungs. Abnegation was an ocean, and I would drown.

But then I'd have to leave my sister to drown in my place.

My grandmother always favored Jiao, at least a little. I took the brunt of the punishment, but without me there to act as a scapegoat, what would become of her?

But then I saw Crimson. I still hadn't caught their name, they were just the redhead who helped Jiao. I didn't anticipate their choice being interesting, but something about them captivated my attention and wouldn't let go.

They chose Dauntless.

My decision was made. If they could do it, I could too.

"It's okay, I love you. Now go." Jiao whispered when they called my name.

My blood sizzled on the coals.

Boarding the train wasn't a challenge for me, at least not in the way that it was for others. It was only natural that I help others.

And that's when I first held Crimson. I still didn't know their name, but that didn't matter. I could get lost in those green eyes, chasing the flecks of grey that dance in the light.

"Shuî, right?"

I couldn't believe they remembered my name. "Uh, yeah." They stated right back into my eyes, and I looked away. "I never caught yours."

"Oh, uh, Crimson."

I held onto them longer than I probably should have. They pulled away and sat down, and I joined them, breathless.

When they asked for a knife, I handed them my mom's knife. Looking back, I can see why Crimson would find that strange, but for me, it was something I had to take. When Mom died, it was tucked under her mattress. They were going to throw it away, but even at four years old, I knew that it was something precious, something I'd need.

That knife has done a lot of things. Slicing through Crimson's hair is the least violent thing it's ever done.

As Crimson released their abandoned locks, I realized they were like a bird. The arch of their feet as they stood on their tip toes, their legs locked into place, their blue clothes fluttering in the wind, their nose protruding out like a beak. Their touch on the railing is light, fleeting, almost gossamer, like they'll fly away at any moment.

They sat down alongside their brother, and a pang of jealousy attacked my core. They look so different, with Crimson small and warm, and Ash tall and cool, and their personalities match that disparity, but there they were still laughing and talking and smiling. It was nothing like my siblinghood with Jiao. Even though we looked the same, acted the same (as any good Abnegation would do), our relationship was like a candle in a snowstorm. Flickers of laughter here and there, wax smiles that would drip away the moment our grandmother walked in.

If Jiao is like a candle, then Crimson is like the sun. From the first time he hugged me, tears hot against my shirt, fingers splayed against my chest, real and grounded, nothing like his touch on the train's railing. The tips oozed warmth into my skin, absorbing into my veins and passing into my heart, causing it to beat in ways it never had before. I wanted to preserve that moment in time, the first time I'd felt alive. I want him to touch me more. Every casual touch of the arm, every last little glance, I want more, more, more. Crimson's warmth radiates off of him, growing those around them, and I can't get enough.

If Crimson is the sun, that makes Ash the moon. Cold and distant, but beautiful at the same time. As a young child, I often looked to the sky, wondering what it would be like to go to the moon. I knew facts about it, like it had no air and low gravity, but I'd never get to experience that. Yet somehow, everytime Ash speaks to me, I feel weightless, like I'm gliding through the air, like I'm finally important. Ash is like a distilled droplet of the moon, pure and icy and brilliant.

I've heard many myths about the sun and moon. They were as gods, chasing each other through the sky like children playing tag. Polar opposites yet intrinsically linked.

I guess in this metaphor, I am the Earth, moving in harmony yet unable to reach them, locked in an orbit. They affect me greatly, Crimson allowing the fruits of my heart to sprout and grow, Ash allowing the tide of my mind to ebb and flow, and yet there's no way my presence could ever change them. I am the Earth, threatening to drown in my own oceans, soon to turn to ruin.

The bloodstain is gone. I look around, and I've managed to clean the entire room. Guess I got too much in my head.

Four tells me to go get dinner, but I don't. I'm hungry, sure, but I ate enough at lunch. To eat in excess is to weigh in excess, and to weigh in excess is to live in excess, and to live in excess is sin. I don't need to eat, so I don't.

As I walk, I notice the light reflecting on the floor between people's feet. I look up, and rain is spilling onto the glass building above. I stand there, mesmerized for days, weeks, years.

And then I feel Crimson's touch, warm and loving. "Hey, man, where were you?"

"Look up, Crimson."

He stands there with me for decades, centuries, eons as we let the beauty wash over us.

"Back in Abnegation, we were taught to ignore the beauty around us. It's simply a distraction from what's important. Here, I can take the time to notice things like that." I look down at him, and I realize that Jiao was right. Crimson is beautiful, his eyes wide and green and soaking in everything around him.

And then Fin shows up.

Fin is… I'm not sure how I feel about him. He's loud and confident and everything that Abnegation opposes, yet he's everything I want to be. He's like a wildfire, unbridled passion and destruction in his wake. He's threatening to burn the broken, the mangled, the dead parts of me, charring them to ashes in which a new me can grow. He challenges me, not out of hate or spite, or even in any conscious way, but everything he says or does directly contradicts my upbringing, and now that I'm in his territory, I have to adapt fast or be burnt away.

He's wild. He's reckless. He's untamed.

And he's attacking Crimson.

I barely remember entering the room or grabbing the boxing wraps, but when I leave the closet, all I see is Fin grabbing onto him, and my body springs into action before I can even think.

It takes a moment for Crimson's words to register with me. Christ, I misread the situation. But Fin is proud of me for my strength, which doesn't quite sit right with me. I wasn't brave either, just doing the right thing.

Still, he trains us, and by the end, I'm exhausted. But Crimson and Fin don't seem to be too interested in cleaning, so I do it myself. This room's easier, there's no blood, just sweat and footprints.

I watch the two of them lay next to each other, hands clasped, no words, just understanding. My body craves that kind of comfort, to be able to lay with someone and just understand. I want to feel the differences in their hands, Crimson's small and soft, Fin's rough and calloused.

But here I stand, cleaning up our mess.

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Crimson leaves to go shower right before I'm done cleaning. I intend to go back to the dorm and try to relax, but Fin stops me, clapping his hand on my shoulder and squeezing.

"Did you eat dinner yet?" He asks, eyes boring into me.

Part of me wants to say yes just to get him off my back, but I know he's not going to fall for that. While he may act like a Dauntless hellion, I can see in his eyes that there's so much more going on in his mind than most realize. I was wrong in that he's a wildfire. He's a controlled burn, still destructive and bright, but on a clear path.

"I had plenty at lunch."

"Bullshit. Your stomach's growling." He raises an eyebrow, daring me to lie again. But it wasn't a lie, not really. It's the same amount I ate back in Abnegation, if not more.

I shrug a little, hoping to knock his hand off my shoulder. He doesn't budge. Not that I'd expect him to. "To eat in excess is to weigh in excess."

"Shuî. Buddy. In order to succeed here in Dauntless, you need to get strong. And sure, you can throw a punch, but I saw the way you trained, and you ran out of steam fast. Do you even know what calories are?"

"I took Nutrition, yeah."

He sighs frustratedly. "Then if you aren't a moron, and I know you're not, you should know you need more if you do active work."

"Infinity, I-"

"Stop calling me by my full name, it sounds weird. Now come on, we're getting dinner."

And so, he marches me down to the Canteen. He never takes his hands off my shoulder, but he eases his grip a little. I don't even bother protesting, and not just because of the futility of it, but the pit in my stomach is rapidly expanding.

"Yo, Rex!" Fin finally takes his hand off of me to wave. He starts to walk over to one of the sparsely populated (it makes sense, since we're here long after when initiates eat) long tables, towards a short young man with jet black hair. I consider just going back to the dorms, but no, I can't make it if I don't take care of myself.

Rex is definitely a model Dauntless member, with three eyebrow rings and holes in his ears that I could fit at least two fingers through. Piercings don't shock me like they did a couple days ago, but I still can't imagine willingly pushing needles through my skin. "What are you doing here this late, dude?" He asks as Fin sits down.

Fin claps his hand back on my shoulder. "Got so caught up in training this one that I worked up an appetite." He flashes his signature grin, and I still can't believe how sharp his incisors are. "Oh yeah, this is Shuî. Shuî, this is Rex, my best friend and one of the best tattoo artists in Dauntless."

"Shut the fuck up, you know you're just gassing me up." He rolls his eyes and turns to me, extending his hand. "Nice to meet you, man."

I'm still not entirely comfortable with handshakes. In Abnegation, we simply bowed our heads to each other from a respectable distance. But I shake his hand anyway, because I'm not in Abnegation anymore.

It's funny, I've quickly adapted to being touched by others, but actively reaching out to someone is still strange to me. I hope I get over that, since from the all the physical affection I've gotten since joining Dauntless, I'd love to be able to return the favor.

I grab a hamburger, hoping Rex didn't notice my discomfort. If he did, he doesn't say anything.

"So, Fin, I hear training's going well." Rex says.

"Oh, yeah, it's going great. Everyone's kicking ass, especially Marlene and Uriah. Mar actually knocked Jed out with a single kick earlier." Fin launches into an exaggerated tale, and I try to latch on, but I don't know a single person he's talking about. Once I lose track, I'm lost.

I try to eat some of my food. It's more flavorful than anything I had back in Abnegation, which makes me all the more guilty. Most of the food I cooked went to the Factionless, and even then, I had to focus on nutrition above flavor. I'll no longer have to make cabbage soup every night in the winter. It warms the body, sure, but it drains the soul. It's supposed to have garlic in it to at least brighten it up, but any time I used it, my grandmother would accuse me of poisoning her.

There's at least a couple marks on my back because of that. I couldn't tell you which ones.

Someone snaps in my face. "Shuî. Rex asked you a question."

I blink. "Oh, sorry."

"Fin, you don't have to be a jackass all the time. We all know you're a big softie." Rex smirks a little, then turns to me. "So, I saw you come into the shop a couple days ago. What tattoo did you get?"

"Oh, uh." It's personal to me. Even though it's permanently marked on my skin, it's strange to talk about my family.

"Trust me, I'm not going to laugh at you or anything." His smirk softens into a slight smile. "I've had to tattoo so many naked portraits of people's crushes. I never want to see a naked person again."

"You never wanted to see anyone naked in the first place." Fin snorts.

"Point is, if I didn't hear any gossip about it, it's not going to be embarrassing." He shrugs.

I clear my throat. "I, uh, got my sister's name. I figured if I had to leave her in Abnegation, I could at least bring a piece of her with me." Saying it out loud makes it sound too sentimental. My face flushes red. That's not a Dauntless kind of tattoo at all.

"Aww, that's so sweet!" Fin laughs.

"Holy condensation, Mr. Vigilante." Rex snorts.

"Oh, fuck, that came out wrong." Fin shakes his head. His blue curls are so thick, but the stubble on his chin betrays his true hair color, a deep brown. "I really do think that's sweet. What's her name?"

"Jiao."

"Nice. Think she'll be joining us whenever she chooses?"

It's actually kind of funny imagining Jiao here in Dauntless. She's sweet and uncoordinated, and even her rebellious streak was shown in forms of creativity rather than destruction, a pen to her skin rather than a knife.

"She's planning on joining Amity, actually."

She's told me that many times before, in the brief times between when we got home from school and when I'd have to go get our grandmother from her "volunteer quilting group." She dreamt of the sun on her skin, dancing in a red dress instead of kneeling in a grey one. I suppose I've had that dream, a dream of an easy life, but I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if I wasn't contributing to the greater good. I want to dance, to play, to laugh, but any time I slack off, the guilt gets to me.

Rex's face seems neutral at first, but I can sense there's something under it. Annoyance? I imagine suddenly having your meal interrupted would be bothersome. Maybe I should leave.

"Finny!" A tall woman with blonde hair and an eye-catching blue bracelet yells as she tackles Fin into a hug. She plants a multitude of kisses on his head, giggling wildly.

"Hey, Marona. How you doing, man?"

Man? Oh, uh, oops. I assumed from his figure (curvy, as Abnegation women said about those who were more generously proportioned than themselves.) that he was a woman. I guess he's like Crimson, which I still don't really get, but whatever makes him happy.

"I'm doing great!" He turns to me, his eyes a bluer color than I've ever seen in my life. "Hey, you're Shuî, aren't you?"

"Oh, uh, yeah?"

She grins. "Oh my God, you're the cutest thing! I mean, I know Fin doesn't lie about that kind of thing, but oh my God! I didn't know anything as cute as you could even come from Abnegation."

My face heats up from embarrassment. I'm not even-

"You may want to cool it a bit, Mar." Fin laughs. "He's not used to the way people like us show affection."

"Yeah, you wouldn't want to scare him off before he even gets to the second stage." A severe looking woman with half shaved black hair sits down next to Rex, across from me. She looks me up and down, and he eyes are red. Not just a light orangish brown, but straight up red.

"Oh, shut up, May." Marona sticks his tongue out at her and climbs up onto Fin's lap, and-

You know what? I've already seen Fin make out with someone once, I don't need to see it again. Besides, I've already eaten enough.

"You guys are so disgusting." Rex shakes his head as he gets up, disappointed.

"This is why we don't like it when you sit with us, Fin. You two are a black hole of horniness." May's just absolutely disgusted. Honestly, I completely understand.

"'Kay."

I get up and throw away my tray, and when I turn around, May's right there. "Yo, you heading back to your dorm?"

"Oh, uh, yeah?"

"Good. I'll walk with you. I need to talk to you?"

I gulp a little. She's not smiling, and she's three inches taller than me (though, the platform boots are certainly contributing.), and despite her eyes being red, her stare is as cold as ice.

"Oh, uh, okay."

As we walk out, we pass Rex. "May, what are you doing?"

"Come on, don't you want to know what the hell Fin sees in this little Stiff?"

"Fair enough."

As we cross the Chasm, they're at my sides, and a part of me's worried that May's going to shove me over the side. I never saw Christina dangle from the railing, but I can picture myself in her place.

We cross the Chasm without incident.

"So, are you sucking his dick or something?" May asks we enter the hallway that leads to my dorm.

My eyes widen, and my legs stop moving. "No!" My face heats up. "I mean, uh, I'm not-"

But am I?

May scoffs. "Come on, you're a fucking Stiff. How else could someone as shallow as Fin be interested in you?"

Interested? Is he just my friend because he wants to-

"Geez, May, going straight for the jugular, huh?" Rex leans against the wall, picking at his cuticles.

"I mean, there's got to be a reason, right?"

Rex shrugs. "Fin has weird tastes."

"He's already got that with Crimson. At least he has an interesting face to balance out his meekness." She glances me up and down. "The Stiff's both meek and plain."

I don't understand why she's being so hostile. She just met me, and I'm not threatening her.

"Yo." Someone's hand presses against the wall above me. I glance up. Ash. "These guys bothering you?"

Before I can even stammer out a reply, May laughs. "You even need someone to come save you! Man, Stiff, Fin's going to drop you in like a week."

"You know, for someone who calls herself Fin's friend, you don't seem to have a very high opinion of him." Ash smirks.

May snarls a bit. "Shuî has a voice, let him come up with his own insults." She turns on her heel and starts away. "Oh, and I'm not a girl."

Rex stands up straight. "Don't worry, she's like this with everyone." And then he's gone too.

I finally let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding. I look back up at Ash, and the tension seems to be gone from his body. "Thank you."

"She's got a point. I'm sure Stiff's have some choice words they use." He stands up fully. "I'm not always going to be here to help you out, you know."

I sigh. "Yeah."

"Anyway, I was heading up to smoke. Want to join?" He shrugs.

"You smoke?"

"Yeah." He says, like it's not a big deal. Like it's not one of the vainest things you can do.

"Oh, I was just going to shower and turn in for the night."

"Fair enough." Ash shrugs. He starts to walk past me, then stops. "Oh, and don't tell Crimson, okay? I don't need him worrying over me more than he already does. This'll be our secret, okay?"

"I won't tell him."

"Good." He chuckled his low chuckle. "Have a good night, Shuî."

And as he walks away, it feels like I'm missing out on something. Maybe I should go with him, but I'm already so tired. Still, his presence gives me so much energy, like lightning running through my veins.

Maybe I am gay.