Natsu didn't talk for the entire trip home. They caught the first ferry back to the mainland just as the sun was peeking over the horizon, and spent the trip standing on the deck watching the light spill in pink and red over the ocean. Gray wrapped his arms around Natsu, holding him tight and kissing his temple as the boat took them home.

"Is there anything I can do?" Gray asked gently when they finally walked in the door of the apartment. Natsu shook his head and crossed his arms over his stomach, keeping his gaze on the floor.

"I'm sorry," he said again. He hadn't said anything else since they left the hotel. Gray's heart ached at the expression on Natsu's face and he shook his head, reaching out and pulling Natsu into his arms.

"Don't be sorry," he said gently, kissing Natsu's forehead. "Please?" Natsu didn't answer, just wrapped his arms around Gray's waist and pressed his forehead against Gray's chest. Gray sighed and ran his hand down Natsu's arm, rubbing his thumb over Natsu's wedding ring. "What can I do?"

Natsu didn't answer right away, just held on tightly like he was afraid Gray would disappear.

"I feel so stupid," he said eventually, voice quiet and broken. "You were right. I should have listened to you, and I didn't, and he... he fucking hit you and I just..." He pulled back, staring up at Gray.

Gray shook his head. "I've had worse," he said, giving Natsu a small smile. Natsu looked down, cheeks burning, and Gray quickly shook his head. "No, that's not what I meant." He squeezed Natsu's hand. "It's okay."

"No, it's not." Natsu pulled away and rubbed his face with both hands, then looked down the hall toward the bedroom. "I need to be alone for a bit, okay?" Gray bit back his disagreement and concern, but he could tell Natsu saw it on his face. Instead of getting frustrated, Natsu just sighed. "I'll leave the door open."

"It's okay," Gray insisted. "I trust you."

"I don't trust myself right now," Natsu admitted. Gray watched him rub absently at a scar on his right arm. "Can you stay? Like in the office or something, I just… I wanna be alone but not alone."

"Of course," Gray said gently, kissing Natsu's head. "I'll be right here if you need me."

Natsu nodded, then let go of Gray's hand and headed down the hallway to the bedroom. Gray rubbed his wedding ring with his thumb as he watched Natsu's retreating back, wishing desperately that there was something he could do.

"Hey, Uncle Natsu."

Natsu looked up from his spot on the couch to see Sylvie standing in the doorway with a Frappucino in her hand. She gave him a sad half-smile as she set the drink down on the table, then flopped down next to him and leaned against his shoulder.

He sighed, glancing down the hallway toward the office where he knew Gray was working. It had been three days since they'd gotten home from Victoria, and Natsu knew Gray was trying his best to both support Natsu and let him have space to grieve.

"Did Uncle Gray call you?" Natsu asked, shifting his arm until Sylvie was curled up against him. She didn't answer, just gestured at his phone.

"Is that your mom?"

Natsu looked back down at the picture on his screen. It was the first one that Neelan had sent, of his mom sitting on the slide at the park. Despite his anger and disappointment with Neelan, he couldn't bring himself to delete any of the photos.

"Yeah."

"How old was she?"

"Your age." Natsu sighed, running his thumb up the edge of the phone screen. "Her and Neelan were both really young when I was born."

"Is Neelan your dad?"

"No." Natsu shook his head, biting down the anger that reared its head. He sighed. "Yeah, I guess, technically."

Sylvie rested her head against Natsu's chest and took the phone from his hands, switching back to the photo gallery where Natsu had saved all the pictures from Neelan. She tapped the one of Neelan holding Natsu in the hospital.

"You were so little," she said softly, then looked up at Natsu. "What happened? With your dad. Uncle Gray didn't say."

Natsu sighed, rubbing his face with one hand. "It didn't go well." He looked down at Sylvie's curious expression and tried to push aside his grief. "My parents were kids who made a lot of mistakes, and Neelan is still making them."

"What kind of mistakes?"

"Drugs."

"Oh." Sylvie looked back at the phone, then glanced toward Gray's office. "Like Uncle Lyon?"

Natsu nodded. Sylvie didn't talk about Lyon much. She'd only been two when he'd gone to prison and had only seen a handful of pictures of him. All she really knew about him was how much he'd hurt one of her favorite people.

"Maman said he's getting out of jail," Sylvie said. She picked at her nail polish. "Uncle Gray's scared, isn't he?"

Natsu nodded, thinking of the way Gray had woken in a panic at three in the morning, hand on his shoulder and tears on his cheeks; or the way Natsu had caught him sifting through old family photos the other day. Natsu had watched from the bedroom door as Gray stared at a picture of him and Lyon when they were seven or eight years old, holding hands as they ran along the beach. He hadn't commented on Gray's tears afterward, or the way that Gray had tucked the photo beside his alarm clock on his bedside table.

"Yeah," Natsu said. "He's feeling a lot of things right now."

Sylvie was quiet for a second, flipping through the pictures on Natsu's phone. Eventually she closed the album and navigated to another folder, quickly finding a picture of her, Natsu and Gray from the fair last summer. She set it as the lock screen, then handed the phone back to Natsu.

"Are you gonna talk to your dad again?"

Natsu tipped his head back, looking up at the patterns on the stipple ceiling. "No." By the time they'd gotten on the ferry back to Victoria he'd already had several missed calls and messages from Neelan, but he'd refused to read them, instead deleting his Facebook account and the texts, and blocking Neelan's number. "I don't care what happens to him. I don't want him in my life."

Sylvie curled up closer to Natsu and he squeezed her shoulder tightly and kissed the top of her head.

"I love you, Uncle Natsu," Sylvie said quietly. "I'm sorry your dad sucks."

Natsu huffed out a quiet laugh. "Me too," he said. "And I love you too, sunshine."

what to wear to court

court etiquette

taking anxiety medication before court appearance

parole hearing

parole + victim statement

parole + no contact

Gray stared at the search history on his computer, wishing he could untangle the complicated mess of emotions that sat heavy in his chest. The sun was still rising, spilling soft pink beams of light across Happy, who was curled up next to the computer monitor and purring softly. Gray smiled, running his finger up Happy's nose to scratch behind his ears.

His phone buzzed on the desk and he picked it up, leaning back in the chair.

Ultear [06:03] You're up early. Is everything okay?

Gray [06:04] Just stressing about the hearing. I had a weird dream about Lyon and couldn't go back to sleep.

Ultear [06:04] Did you decide to write a statement?

Gray chewed his lip, considering his answer carefully before answering. He tapped the desk, trying to shake off the strange, restless energy from the dream as he looked at the webpage that was currently open on the computer screen.

Preparing a Victim Statement for the Parole Board of Canada

Victim statements give parole board members insight into the continuing impact of the crime. Victims can also inform the board about any concerns they have for their safety or the safety of the community. Victims may also include for Board member consideration any special conditions on the release. Some victims request that the offender have no contact with them or their family.

Gray [06:06] Yes. I'm going to read it. Are you?

Ultear's response was almost immediate.

Ultear [06:06] No. I want nothing to do with him.

Gray sighed, rubbing his face and leaning back in his computer chair. An envelope sat on the desk beside him with the words Gray-déclaration de la victim-2017 scrawled across it in Ultear's writing. Gray hadn't looked at the letter inside in fourteen years – not since he'd scribbled it out from the hospital bed just after the third surgery to fix his shattered scapula.

His pushed the envelope aside to stare at the sheet of paper underneath that was covered with messy handwriting and crossed-out notes.

Lyon hurt me

My brother tried to kill me

surgery

PTSD

For a long time after Lyon tried to kill me, I wanted to die

I never want to see him again

he was my best friend

I miss him

"You okay, Snowflake?"

Gray looked up to see Natsu in the door to the office, holding a mug of coffee in each hand. His hair was messy and tangled and he was dressed in one of Gray's sweatshirts with the sleeves rolled up to keep them from covering his hands. He looked tired but not unhappy – Sylvie's visit a few days ago had helped bring him out of his grief a little, and it made Gray's heart happy to see a genuine smile on Natsu's face.

"Hey," Gray said, reaching out and taking one of the mugs from Natsu. "Did I wake you up?"

Natsu yawned, rubbing his face before settling himself down onto Gray's lap. "Mm-mn. Noah called."

"Is everything okay?"

Natsu nodded, tucking his head onto Gray's shoulder as Gray wrapped an arm around his waist. "Yeah, he's just anxious about the party today. He got confused because Kylie mentioned his birthday yesterday and he thought she was coming." He ran his fingers over Gray's necklace. "He really doesn't like seeing her."

Gray kissed Natsu's forehead and combed his fingers through the tangles of pink hair. "It's probably confusing for him," he said.

"Yeah. Sting says that every time they see her, Noah gets scared that she's going to take him away. He's been sleeping in their bed again." He hesitated, then added, "I think Sting wants me to talk to him about it, but he's scared to ask."

"Do you want to?"

"I dunno. Kind of." Natsu picked at his fingernail and Gray nudged his hand away gently. "I wish I'd known my mom. I know it's not the same thing for him, but if she's trying..."

"Have you talked to Noah about your mom?" Gray asked, setting his coffee mug down so he could start to plait the errand pieces of Natsu's hair into something resembling a braid.

"No." Natsu ran his thumb around the rim of his coffee mug. "Maybe I will." Before Gray could ask any more questions, Natsu poked him in the stomach. "We were talking about you, though. Are you okay?" He gestured to the envelope and the website still up on the screen.

Gray didn't answer right away, just kept braiding Natsu's hair until it was in a neat plait, then held out one hand for the elastic Natsu kept wrapped around his wrist. Once it was fastened, Gray leaned back in the chair and sighed.

"I don't know," he said honestly. "I keep trying to figure out what I want to say, but it's been so long. And I don't…"

"Don't what?"

Gray shook his head. "It's so stupid, I just—I don't even know what he looks like anymore. It's been so long; he's probably changed so much. I have."

He gestured to a photo frame on the wall – two side-by-side pictures of himself and Natsu. The first one was from the year after they'd met and had been taken down by the ocean on a sunny summer afternoon. Gray's hair was long and messy, and his cheeks were pink from the sun as he gave Natsu a piggyback ride. The second picture was from their recent anniversary on the ferris wheel Montréal. With his short, choppy hair, pierced ears and dark-rimmed glasses, Gray looked so different from the young boy carrying Natsu across the beach.

"It's not stupid," Natsu insisted. "Nothing you're feeling is stupid."

"You sound like your therapist," Gray said, laughing and leaning in to kiss Natsu's cheek.

"Maybe she has a point," Natsu insisted. He ran his fingers along the stubble on Gray's jaw, giving him a soft smile. "I think…" He paused, and Gray could tell he was searching for the right words. "Okay, I could be wrong, and I hope I don't say this the wrong way. But I think that you're not feeling as scared or angry as you thought you'd be, and it's confusing you, 'cause you spent a lot of time working through all this trauma and you're in a good place now, and you're not happy that this is happening but you're also not devastated by it, and that's a good thing, but you don't know how to deal with it."

Gray frowned, letting the words sink in. "So you think I'm upset… because I'm not as upset as I thought I'd be?"

"Well when you put it like that it sounds stupid." Natsu shifted until he was sitting up in Gray's lap and took a sip of his coffee. "I just think that feelings are hard for you on a good day, and when you're not feeling the things you think you should be feeling, you get even more confused."

"Huh." Gray stared at the sheet of paper on the desk, at the scribbles and dark lines of irritation where he couldn't find the right thing to say. The confusion and frustration that had been coiling around his stomach loosened a bit as he thought about Natsu's words.

"I'm gonna go shower and wrap Noah's present," Natsu said gently, extricating himself from Gray's grip. "You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah," Gray said softly as the words he needed started to come to him. He picked up his pen and leaned against Natsu in a gentle side-hug. "Thank you."

Natsu smiled, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "Always."