Max
She stared at Dr. White after she came out of the hypnosis, fully herself again. "Oh, god."
"You're safe."
She nodded, pushing her hair back. "Yeah. I was there, I heard and felt everything when...when I was that other me."
"How do you feel?"
"Mortified."
"You came back."
She nodded. "My kids, they ground me. I kept saying my needs don't matter...their needs matter to me. That's stronger than her and what...It's Noelle or nothing. She made it so I become that...sex toy...if it's anyone but her. She took that from me."
"You can get it back."
"How can I ever trust myself? To let go enough to," Max trailed off. "I had trust and intimacy issues before and now...Can you fix me? I've always been broken."
"We can go one day at a time. I'll see you Thursday."
Max & Kenny
This Max, he thought, the one scooping up her three year old and wrapping her other arm around Kara. She smiles with them.
"We had fun, Mom," Kara said. "It's more fun with you."
Max smiled at Kenny. "Yeah?"
"You have great kids," he said. "I'll hang out with them anytime."
I want you to, she thought, I like you here with us. Feeling the pull in her head, the tinkling of her conditioning, she swatted her thoughts away. I'm not a sex toy. "Can you two give me and Kenny a few minutes? Grown-up stuff."
"Then we can go outside, Mom?" Kara asked. "Please?"
Those eyes, she thought, so much like John. He'd be so proud of her. "All day."
"I can't believe you have two kids some days."
"Me either. When I found out I was pregnant, even with everything else, I was excited to be a mom."
"Ava is adorable."
"Way too adorable. I'm in trouble when she gets older."
"How did it go?"
Max bit her lip. "I need time to work through this. I know what...I see how you look at me. I'm not going to ask you to wait for me to fix this. This is about me, what conditioning is still there and I need to get better before I'll be any good to anyone. I need this space."
"Friends?" Kenny said, holding his hand out to her. "I got your back, Max."
Max shook his hand. "I know, Thanks."
Noelle
"You can't," Noelle smiled. "She belongs to me forever."
Max will kill me, Kenny thought, after she told me about how her conditioning takes over with anyone but Noelle. "She hates you."
"She can only love me," Noelle said, smiling. "Oh, you saw? I knew you wanted her. Did she hurt you?"
Kenny sat back. "What?"
"You better not try again. She might not be so docile. Max loves me. She can only love me. If you try to change that? You won't like what happens."
Max
Screaming like a lunatic in therapy, Max thought, working through my persistnet intimacy issues, trying to get through to the sex toy version of myself. I shut her down, worked through something...I was me in hypnosis. I'm okay.
"Mom!"
"Sorry," Max said, turning back to math. "You know this."
"Why hasn't Kenny come over?"
Because I don't want to lead him on. It isn't fair to him and I'm not sure I want what he wants, even if I ever get fixed. "He has to work."
"He always came by. I think he should be your boyfriend, Mom."
"Are you trying to get out of math?"
"He likes you."
Max gulped. I know. "How would you feel if I had a boyfriend?"
"I know you and Daddy loved each other. Daddy would want you to be happy."
Max hugged her tightly with that. "You are so much like your dad. He'd be so proud of you."
Kara hugged her back. "I love you Mom."
No, Max thought, no feeling the tinkling in her mind at the unconditional love she felt her Kara. I can handle not having sex or relationship...no with them. My kids…
"Mom?"
Never, she thought, I won't.
"Mom?"
Kill them. They keep me from Noelle. Noelle needs me...Noelle loves me…
"Mom?" Kara said.
Shut up, she thought, pushing it away. I don't love Noelle and if she loved me, she would have loved the real me. I'm me. Smiling at Kara. "Sorry, Kiddo. I zoned out. Fractions. We have this."
Kara hugged her again. "Don't go away again, Mom."
Max squeezed her back. For them. I can do this for them. "Never. Do you know how lucky I am that I get to be your mom? That you wanted me to be? And Ava is so lucky to have a great big sister. I love you so much."
Kara hugged her tighter. "You don't have to have a boyfriend, Mom. It can be the three of us."
"You like Kenny?"
She nodded. "He lets us eat ice cream. He makes you laugh, Mom."
"How much ice cream?"
"Not as much as you. Can we have ice cream?"
"Fractions first."
Noelle
"Do you want me to turn it off?" Noelle asked. "Bring her to me."
"Not a chance in hell," Kenny said. "You won't see her again."
"You don't want her to hurt her children? She loves them so much," Noelle sighed. "My Max, she won't like that. Her heart is mine."
"She won't."
"She won't be able to stop herself."
She's lying, Kenny thought, Max wouldn't...I saw her in that state. No… "You won't ever see her again. Good-bye, Noelle."
Max
Deep breath, Max thought, I'm alone. No one is in my head. Don't listen. It isn't real. I'm Maxine Stewart. I'm 32 years old. I have two wonderful daughters. I'm whole. Silencing the voices, she jumped at the doorbell.
"You're going to make me fat."
Kenny looked at her for a long moment. "You okay?"
"Of course I am. Except for fractions throwing me off. Are you?"
He gulped as he just looked at her, worried down to his core. "How's your head?"
"Kenny, what's wrong?"
"Don't get mad."
"When you start a conversation like that? No promises."
Sparks of the Max I remember in there. Seeing her shock and hurt as he told her. "You're okay?"
"I felt it," she said quietly. "With Kara. The...unconditional love I have for her and Ava and...I can handle being lonely and...I won't let her take them away too. You didn't have to go see her...she's insane...Ow! Damn it."
"Max?" he asked, as she winced. "You okay?"
"She broke me. Changed me...I tried to fight it and couldn't. She drugged and brainwashed me and…Ow, and I can't even...it hurts to think of her badly."
"I know."
"I don't want to see her. She'll...she'll make it worse. Trigger some time bomb in me. That other me, the one you saw...I feel her. I won't let her win."
"Mommy?"
She broke into a grin as Ava ran to her. "Hey there."
"Can we read?"
Get out of my head, she thought, shoving the encroaching music and voices back. I love my kids, I'll never hurt my kids. "Books about tigers?"
Ava nodded. "Please, Mommy?"
She looked back at Kenny. How much time do I have before I'm a complete lunatic? Time bomb. No, I'll beat her. This… "I'll see you around?"
Noelle
Soon, Honey, soon...you won't be able to stop.
Max
"Max...You love me, Max."
She bolted up in bed, jerked out of her sleep by Noelle's beckoning voice. I won't. Feeling it taking her over, she was shoved to the back of her brain as her dreamy smile settled on her face. "I love you, Noelle."
"Come to me, Max."
She twirled her hair and sighed. "I love you, Noelle."
"We belong together."
"She won't leave her children."
"You can get rid of them for her. You are mine, Max, she needs to go away forever."
"I'm staying. She is gone."
"Without them she will be."
Max screamed in her head, pushing back against the interlopers in her mind. No! I'm here, I can see, hear, feel...take control. Neither of them are real.
"Sh," Max said out loud. "It's better like this. Just go to sleep."
"No! You won't hurt my kids!"
"You can't stop me."
Me, Max thought, seeing her reflection in the mirror. That's me. I'll die to stop her. Get control. This is me. All me.
"Not anymore. This is us now, Max. We love Noelle. She is all that matters."
"I love Ava and Kara. I loved John. I chose John, I was going to marry John."
"Lies. We were going to always choose Noelle."
One chance, Max thought, fighting for control of her mind and body. Gathering her strength, she screamed, and took control. Throwing herself against the wall, the physical pain jerking her back to reality. "Get out of my head! I'm not yours! I won't ever give in!"
"Max!"
"Stop!" Max cried, speaking out loud as she took control again. "I'm here. Back."
"Mom?"
She looked up, sore and scared. "I'm okay, Kara. I had a bad dream and fell out of bed."
"Max!"
I love my kids, she thought, banishing her other-self. I'm not...I'm going to be okay for them. "Do you want to sleep with me tonight?"
Kara nodded, running to her and hugging her. "I love you, Mom."
Max squeezed her tightly. "Oh, I love you too. Come on."
3 Years Later
"Hey."
Max smiled. "You're early."
Kenny combed through her long hair, pressing his lips to hers. "I guess I missed you."
Max kissed him back, enjoying his hands on her. "I was going to try to impress you with my barbecue skills."
A fresh start, he thought, her letting herself heal and moving to Vermont. I miss her, us trying long distance and… "I just wanted to see you."
She kissed him again. Oh, I miss him, but he was right. I couldn't stay in Rome, my kids didn't need my stuff hanging over their heads. Noelle locked up, but...I wanted a country between us. I'm whole. Healed. Except for my insane sex drive. "I hope I live up to the hype."
Us, he thought. "Ava and Kara are still at school?"
She nodded. "Yeah. We have alone time…Why are we talking?"
He kissed her again. "Wait, Max."
I love having sex, she thought, and not losing my mind with it. That I can enjoy it, and that this long-distance thing isn't really working for me anymore. I don't want to be alone and the safety of this? Kenny and me...How do I tell him about the others? Both men and women? I should settle down, give my girls a family...my sex drive is insane still. Oh, I don't want to hurt him. "I thought you missed me."
Two years, he thought, one in Rome and this one long distance. To be closer to her family, who she tried to mend fences with. "What would you think about me moving here?"
She smiled at that. "Yeah?"
He nodded. "I know why you left, I get why you couldn't stay, even with us...I love you, Max. I want to be with you, Ava and Kara."
She brushed her lips over his. I can stop sleeping around, I won't hurt him, I won't go through that again. He loves me enough where I can settle down. "I want that too."
"How much time do we have?"
Max kissed him again. I barely had time to shower since I had sex this morning with Grace. "Two hours."
"Come here," Kenny said, kissing her. We're going to be a family. The wife I always wanted, her adorable kids, we can have more. "I love you."
The family my kids deserve, Max thought, kissing him back. The one I wanted with John. Kenny can be enough for me. "I love you too, Kenny."
THE END